Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#44 - Puberty

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 44

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0:00 | 5:41

Summer's End Reflections

Speaker 1

Well , everybody , here we are again . Summer , that sweet melancholy that I've been talking about since summer began , is finally upon us . Some cold fall north winds are rustling through the leaves . If you look closely , a few of those leaves are starting to tinge and crisp up on the edges . Tinge and crisp up on the edges . Fall fast approaches . How was your summer ? Great , glad to hear it . How's your liver ? Yeah , me too . Me too Laughter .

Speaker 2

Music .

Taking Care of Me

Speaker 1

Music , music oh man , that's rubbish . That's rubbish . Well , as you can probably tell , I am suffering from psoriasis of the liver that's undiagnosed . I don't believe I actually do have psoriasis of the liver , but I will say that all my lack of sleep and this summer's activities have finally caught up with me and we're not doing well . Physically . We are not well , and so , because I need to take care of me , I'm taking care of me . I'm going to just do a very short , simple episode where I talk about puberty for a brief moment . I believe there's a bit here and we're going to work it out . But , of course , because this is starting stand-up and this is just a spitball area , I am going to just share a little bit of what I did and you can tell me if it made you laugh out loud any of it , and then you can wish me well , you can send healing , healing thoughts towards me , and then I'll be back better than ever . And this fall is going to be great , because we're going to put together the summer's content and we're going to shape it into just a world-class stand-up set that is going to rocket ship me to the top of the game , to the top of the heap the game to the top of the heap . Oh , watch out Chris Rock . Here I come , all right , wishing you healing if you are also suffering from psoriasis .

Speaker 1

I discovered some writing

Puberty as a Drug Dealer

Speaker 1

. I did . I'm really happy I discovered it because it's about puberty and I've always loved puberty . I love puberty . No , my kids are right on the edge . Things are happening and that's really when my memory came online and as I was thinking about puberty and what an absolute horror show it is for people's appearances and just it's almost like a the great mutator I thought what would puberty be like if , like it was a drug dealer ? You know what I mean . Like if puberty was personified in a dark alley ? I'm not sure you would take the drugs right , because puberty is basically it's . It's it's in the street corner and he's pushing , he's like , he's like hey little boy .

Speaker 2

You want a little testosterone . You want a little growth hormone . Come on , baby . Come on over here . This shit's going to make you huge dude . Your dick's going to grow , bro . You want your dick to grow ? Come on over . You want to get yoked ? You want some bolder shoulders ? Come on over here , man . I got what you need .

Speaker 1

I got straight pituitary gland right here . You want to start smelling like shit . You want your mom to no longer hug you because you got bo . Come on , you want to get rock hard in the middle of the day for no reason . I got you , I got you . And it's a huge risk , man , if you go into that dark alley and you say yes to puberty , I mean you're taking a huge gamble Because most kids are so cute . You know , I can't tell I'm not going to name names , but like you know that person , when they were 11 , 12 , they were cute . It was like oh , wow . And then all of a sudden , dude , their nose just grows twice as big and just starts glistening with oil and little pus mountains . Come on , man , you want some pus mountains that'll explode and bleed when you touch them . You want uncontrollable mood swings , you want . You want hey , come on over here . You want to hate your parents

The Gamble of Growing Up

Speaker 1

and lash out at them for no reason .

Speaker 1

You want to start crying and not know why I got you , I got you , I think the bit is there . Like if puberty was optional , you know , would you do it ? Oh , little Jimmy's so cute . He's giving me one handsome boy . So I pump the brakes on little Jimmy . Little Jimmy looks like a horse colt with some sort of skin rash .