Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#45 Tegan Webster

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 45

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Speaker 1:

A good morning, good morning or good evening or good afternoon. This is a extremely special Starting Stand-Up episode. We've finally got another voice for you, my friend, my dear friend that I've known since birth, tegan Webster, canadian woman. There's so much to say about Tegan, but this was a little experimental interview. There's so much to say about Tegan, but this was a little experimental interview, and you'll understand why, and I hope you'll be as charmed and fall in love with Tegan, like so many people do when they meet her, and that's all I'll say. So please enjoy this very special episode of Starting Stand Up.

Speaker 2:

Oh man, that's rubbish, that's rubbish. I'm here with Tegan Webster.

Speaker 1:

I'm not supposed to use last names, so I'll say I just tag him. Or a teggy, wedgie, teggy, uh, this woman who's sitting across me. She's wearing a very, very comfortable looking white sweater. She's got a little brown bag with a super weird iphone case. What's going on with the ring on that thing? Is that a ring holder?

Speaker 2:

It's very practical.

Speaker 1:

When did that become a thing where women started wanting iPhone cases where you could put the finger through?

Speaker 2:

I'll tell you for me I have had arthritis since I was 18. That's so early to have arthritis and problems need invention of, and problems in my hands, and as soon as I saw that there was something that could make me hold it in a way that wasn't my whole hand, I've had like every variation of those.

Speaker 1:

So you've been doing this for a long time.

Speaker 2:

As soon as they came on the market.

Speaker 1:

Okay, now, just so you know who I'm talking to. I could never, in a few words, distill who Tagi Weji is to me, but let's get the story straight. You've been listening to the podcast.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

You're one of my oldest friends in the world. But, really you're my sister's extremely best friend, but certainly since moving to Maine, our friendship, wouldn't you say, has has deepened.

Speaker 1:

I would say I would say yeah, and I've always loved taking my sister. One of them, my younger twin sister, was in a horrible car accident and has been in a wheelchair ever since, since 2000, and I can say unequivocally that Taggy Wedgie has been the most loyal, loving, kind, compassionate friend that you could ever dream for your sister or your child. And before we even go any further, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart, I don't want to cry on this podcast.

Speaker 2:

We're taking a turn right now. It's changing now.

Speaker 1:

But anyway, we were at a dinner party a couple weeks ago and another listener, another dear friend of mine, we'll just call him Train. You could tell that he was a fan of the show, but he knew he he just felt like it needed something and he actually this was his idea. He thought, much like uh howard stern, as robin quivers, that I could have taggy wedgie and I actually had an immediate reaction like, oh, that would be so fun, because tagging not only has an incredible, but she's also very quick to laugh and it's very weird doing this podcast because I'm Tegan, this is where I do it, you see that.

Speaker 1:

That's where I go. I literally the whole thing, everything you've ever.

Speaker 2:

That's where you usually sit. That's where I sit, right at my computer. Oh, so this is a change of scenery.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, just a little far back from my desk. But you know it's weird just sitting there and talking and it's so much more fun.

Speaker 2:

Yes, I do think it made me realize that I'm an easy laugh that night. I was like wait a second Hang on. I do laugh.

Speaker 1:

Hold on a second. You just have an incredible sense of humor.

Speaker 2:

I was going to say I also have a really good sense of humor. She's got a pinpoint. Beautiful sense of humor.

Speaker 1:

I was going to say I also have a really good sense of humor. She's got a pinpoint beautiful sense of humor. So I thought, anyway, so that's the back story of why we're here. And we're just experimenting and I think the real, the difficulty moving forward, to be perfectly honest, is how unhinged and last minute this podcast is. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

I can sort of pick up on that vibe.

Speaker 1:

I am sometimes at 8 pm on a Wednesday just like no idea what I'm going to do. And then and weirdly and I've talked about this there's the forcing function of delivering on Thursday morning. That deadline. The time constraint and the fact that all week I inevitably am thinking about things.

Speaker 2:

A little bit, yeah, the brain is tickling all the time.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes, you know, I would say if I were to advertise this podcast it would just be, in all caps, wildly uneven so I can see that. Yeah, I can see that very diplomatic, like our last episode.

Speaker 2:

So actually I thought I heard the last, no, no that's perfect.

Speaker 1:

You haven't listened right to the one that came out today no good good, so good. So what I thought we would do, because it's a five-minute episode.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

So I think it would be perfect opportunity where we're just going to listen to it Okay, you're going to listen to it all. You're going to not feel you have to perform or do anything, okay, and then we're going to talk about it. Okay, it'll be a launching point for our discussion. Does that sound like fun? Sounds perfect. Okay, here we go. Well, everybody, here we are again. Summer, that sweet melancholy that I've been talking about since summer began, is finally upon us. Some cold fall north winds are rustling through the leaves. If you look closely, a few of those leaves are starting to tinge and crisp up on the edges. Fall fast approaches. How is your summer? Great, glad to hear it. How's your liver? Yeah, me too. Me too Me too.

Speaker 2:

That's a good start. You like it? Yes, all right, especially when it's all summer here. Everybody has to have a winter, and I feel like it's so, stuffy, do you like the opening? I do, I thought about that. Do you feel comfort?

Speaker 1:

I'm like how did he?

Speaker 2:

do this. That's good, that's rubbish's good.

Speaker 1:

Well, as you can probably tell, I am suffering from psoriasis of the liver. That's undiagnosed. I don't believe I actually do have psoriasis of the liver, but I will say that all my lack of sleep and this summer's activities have finally caught up with me and we're not doing well. Physically we are not well, and so because I need to take care of me, I'm taking care of me. I'm going to just do a very short, simple episode where I talk about puberty for a brief moment. I believe there's a bit here and we're going to work it out. But, of course, because this is starting stand up and this is just a spitball area, I am going to just share a little bit of what I did and you can tell me if it made, made you laugh out loud, any of it, and then you can wish me. If it made, made you laugh out loud, any of it, and then you can wish me well, you can send healing, healing thoughts towards me, and then I'll be back better than ever. And this fall is going to be great, because we're going to put together the summer's content and we're going to shape it into just a world-class stand-up set that is going to stand-up set that is going to rocket, ship me to the top of the game, to the top of the heap. Watch out Chris Rock. Here I come, all right, wishing you healing if you are also suffering from psoriasis.

Speaker 1:

I discovered some writing. I did. I'm really happy I discovered it because it's about puberty and I've always loved puberty. I love puberty. No, my kids are right on the edge. Things are happening and that's really when my memory came online and as I was thinking about puberty and what an absolute horror show it is for people's appearances and just it's almost like the great mutator I thought what would puberty be like if, like it was a drug dealer you know what I mean was personified in a dark alley?

Speaker 1:

I'm not sure you would take the drugs right, because puberty is basically it's in the street corner and he's pushing. He's like. He's like hey, little boy, you want a little testosterone. You want a little growth hormone. Come on, baby. Come on over here. Shit's gonna make you huge dude. Your dick's gonna grow, bro. You want your dick to grow. Come on over. You wanna get yoked. You want some bolder shoulders? Come on over here, man. I got what you need. I got straight pituitary gland right here. You wanna start smelling like shit. You want your mom to no longer hug you because you got BO. Come on. You wanna get rock hard in the middle of the day, smelling like shit. You want your mom to no longer hug you because you got bo. Come on, you want to get rock hard in the middle of the day for no reason. I got you, I got you and it's, and it's a huge risk, man, if you go into that dark alley and you say yes to puberty.

Speaker 1:

I mean you're taking a huge gamble because most kids are so cute. You know, I can't, I'm not gonna name names, but like you know that person, when they were 11, 12, they were cute. It was like oh, wow. And then all of a sudden their nose just grows twice as big and just starts glistening with oil and little pus mountains. Come on, man, you want some pus mountains that'll explode and bleed when you touch them. You want uncontrollable mood swings. You want hey, come on over here. You want to hate your parents and lash out at them for no reason. You want to start crying and not know why. I got you, I got you, I got you. I think the bit is that if puberty was optional, would you do it? Oh, little Jimmy's so cute. He's giving me one handsome boy Like pump the brakes on little Jimmy. Little Jimmy looks like a horse colt with some sort of skin rash. That's really funny.

Speaker 2:

It's so good you like that.

Speaker 1:

That's like really good, I got to tell you.

Speaker 2:

I'm also in the thick of puberty. Yeah, you are in the thick of puberty, but you have to understand something From my point of view.

Speaker 1:

I record that I have no idea. If anyone finds it funny. So, for me to listen to it with you.

Speaker 2:

No, that was really funny.

Speaker 1:

Just to hear even slight chuckles was a delight.

Speaker 2:

No, I was dying. That's really really, really good. It is a hilarious concept and I just because and I think it's a very relatable concept, because everyone's been through it or seeing their kids go through it- Now I, as I was listening to it this time, couldn't help but just want to ask you about your puberty. Well then, your sisters. I don't have detailed memories of any of the stuff, but amanda and hill forced me to shave my blonde peach fuzz, which made my mom so angry, because when you on your legs, on your legs and armpits oh and they were like.

Speaker 2:

You know, you've got to do it since the time it was like what I have, like a few stories with them where they were like you've got to do it. It's the time. I have a few stories with them where they were like we're older than you. We're going to tell you what to do. We've got this covered.

Speaker 1:

What is your birthday? If you don't mind me asking 1980. They're six months older.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but a school year older and in the summer, the age reflects a year older.

Speaker 1:

It sure does. Okay, oh, so that's great. My sisters forced you to shave.

Speaker 2:

And my mom. Her whole thing was like you never shave, because if you wax then you won't have dark hair growing back.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, all the old wives tales and stuff.

Speaker 2:

Well, it's kind of True, it's true. You're extremely hairy now is what you're saying. They ruined me at age 11. No, I don't know how old I was. You can blame them.

Speaker 1:

That's funny. Do you have a theory? So also let's reveal a little bit about you. What do you do for work Tag?

Speaker 2:

I am a psychotherapist and social worker that works specifically with women who are victims of intimate partner violence Do a lot of them.

Speaker 1:

Listen to Starting Stand-Up. I don't think so I don't think they do. No, I think, just as a side note, as I mentioned before Tegan's natural heart-open, compassionate letter on a path work-wise, that is very authentic and pure for what? We've always loved about her. But anyway, as a I guess, context for my question, what do you think is happening with this early puberty? Do you have any theories?

Speaker 2:

Oh. Not that your job has anything to do with it, no, my job definitely doesn't, but I do think that it probably doesn't it definitely have a lot to do with the food Food.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

I would say environmental impacts are, and that includes diet and hormones that are in things and processed foods, and I don't know, like I can't get into the chemistry behind it, but I think that there's a lot of like evidence-based research about that.

Speaker 1:

One of the proudest things I am of my wife is that she was late menstruating. So I always consider she's, let's say she's. Let's say just for shits and giggles. She's 43. Yeah, she's actually 36, based on her menstruation.

Speaker 2:

Wait, I feel like we're the same.

Speaker 1:

She was like 15. I like to think she started menstruating when she was 19. She was 15, I think, but she was late, late.

Speaker 2:

it's an inside joke that's not that funny, but anyway but I'm not a part of.

Speaker 1:

No, yeah, yeah, no. It's something I whisper to her in intimate moments. It's not your business, and I'll thank you for staying out of it. Yeah, so it's just a, it's just a wild ride. And you know, look, my daughter's 13. She's now five, 10, and she's like early. Yeah, she's early, yeah, and I'm starting to like be like well, look, I mean I was told that I was going to be a minimum of six, seven, smoking an enormous amount of marijuana to try to. Is that true?

Speaker 2:

No, I mean, I definitely when did you find out you're going to be 6'7"?

Speaker 1:

13.

Speaker 2:

That's what the doctor said.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah, you don't know that story.

Speaker 2:

I think maybe I've heard it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but it was one of the worst days of my life.

Speaker 2:

Really.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah, I went in. He felt my balls.

Speaker 2:

Evidentlyly, whatever he saw with my nuts, he determined that I had many more years of it's like um.

Speaker 1:

I'd grown like I think my mom had fucked up the doctor's appointment, so in hindsight I think it was her fault. But basically I was five, four at the last checkup and I went into the new checkup 6 feet Wow. So for those keeping score, that's an 8 inches in one year. And the doctor was like good God, you know, you could sort of see it in his eyes Like wow.

Speaker 2:

Wow, I can't believe you remember that appointment too. What?

Speaker 1:

do you mean? It's literally one of the most seared memories of my life. I know, but as someone who doesn't remember anything, it's really fascinating to me yeah, yeah, puberty is when my memory came online okay I'm so excited about it. But anyway, uh, yeah he, he looked at my nuts and he goes you grew eight inches in one year and maybe it had been a year and a half and he didn't realize. But he goes, uh well you've got a lot of.

Speaker 1:

You've got a few more years of this kind of growth looks like we're looking at a minimum of 6 10. I mean 6, 7, most likely 6, 10, potentially 7 feet and I was a hockey player who is six feet, and all I wanted to do was, like basically get to third base with girls, and I just immediately thought about being a freak you know, being like minute bowl and I got incredibly sad and depressed and I was driving home crying uh, it's like a little like my voice was still high and, uh, I got home and and everyone was like what's wrong with Dave?

Speaker 1:

and he's like. My brother, will was back from college nine years older, so he was like 21, maybe just graduated from college.

Speaker 2:

How tall is he?

Speaker 1:

He's 6'2".

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

And he was fully, like you know, a man at that point 21. And I remember being at the table like head down and my mom's like Dave's going to be 6'10", Sorry, and guess what.

Speaker 2:

It's because I know the family so well.

Speaker 1:

Yeah my brother Will didn't stop laughing for like four minutes, like he started crying laughing. And weirdly it just made me feel better.

Speaker 2:

He was just like Okay, see, yeah, it was just like.

Speaker 1:

And this is what people don't understand. You know, just you know, just you know, sibling cruelty can kind of feel good.

Speaker 2:

You know well, because I can picture your sisters being like he's sad.

Speaker 1:

Don't be, don't be don't dig it like whatever, and then that actually can make you yeah, and then you make jokes, you're like whatever, but it seems like it really the way that you remember it.

Speaker 2:

It clearly had a large impact.

Speaker 1:

You know no one except the best basketball players in the world wants to be 6'10". Nobody, I guess that's right, yeah, and anyway, I'm happy to say that I started ripping bong hits about two years later and we curbed it all and now I'm just 6'4 1⁄2", which is about a half inch.

Speaker 2:

Oh, you were 6'4 1⁄2". Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we curbed it. Okay, we curbed it with aggressive, aggressive drug use. No, that's not true. I think, honestly, the doctor was wrong and he just didn't realize how small my balls are, that's all right. All right, all right, we've hit our time limit.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

We'll stick to it.

Speaker 2:

I think this is absolutely lovely. I love it. It's very fun for me Very fun.

Speaker 1:

So you've got Zoom.

Speaker 2:

I do.

Speaker 1:

So I think what we should do is, occasionally we should get on the horn, and I'll test some stuff out for you.

Speaker 2:

Great.

Speaker 1:

And then we can. I mean, it won't be every week, but it'll be like, because obviously at 11 pm you're asleep on Wednesdays Actually not, but it's probably not my ideal. Do you have trouble sleeping? No, I'm a night owl. Oh, you are.

Speaker 2:

I putz around the house between like late at night Really. I listen to audio books.

Speaker 1:

Tell me more, say more.

Speaker 2:

I just that's when I wake up.

Speaker 1:

What time do you wake up?

Speaker 2:

Like I get my. No, I get my, like I get a very strong second wind almost every night of my life Late. So what's your ideal? I don't get enough sleep ever I'm very sleep deprived. Oh, you are always yes, that's why I was so proud to show you that day. I saw you at meditation.

Speaker 2:

I had eight and a half hours oh wow, that's very rare very rare so give me a typical night of sleep for a typical night is me saying to my husband I know I've said this before, but like, please, I really need to get to bed early tonight and him being like, please, don't ever talk about how you want to go to bed early ever again, because it's a pathological thing where I'm like I need to get sleep, but then, without fail, I'm like but I feel so productive now I feel awake and I do stuff.

Speaker 2:

You're nocturnal, yeah so I organize, I clean, I put things back where they belong. Or you've been to our house. I feel awake, yeah, and I do stuff. You're nocturnal, yeah, so I organize, I clean, I put things back where they belong. You've been to our house, it's big.

Speaker 1:

It takes time, so why doesn't your husband just give you the blessing of sleeping in?

Speaker 2:

Let's get him on the podcast and find out. Come on. Charlie Charlie your life is about to go south. He has so many opinions. No, you and.

Speaker 1:

Mahan are the same. You're both nocturnal.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And when the kids are out of the house, you'll return to your natural rhythm.

Speaker 2:

And in Charlie's defense on the weekends, he lets me sleep.

Speaker 1:

He doesn't sleep in. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

I could. If there's no alarm, I'll just go 11, 12. Yeah two. No, never late, never go to two. No, eight is like late. Nine's amazing, ten, yeah, twelve's like crazy, oh tag.

Speaker 1:

This has been beautiful. I think you know, as a side note, one of the guests I had, kevin Christie. I was like have you done a lot of podcasts? He's like have you done a lot of podcasts? He's like are you fucking kidding?

Speaker 2:

He's a stand-up comedian. He's done a million.

Speaker 1:

And I was like they're so nice. I just feel like I learned so much about you and he's like I actually think podcasts are basically an antidote to male loneliness and it's just like it's a formal way of getting to know someone you never would at a dinner party. You ask different questions and it has to be, it has to have a level of depth. It has. You have to find out about things and it, and it, it so, so, in a weird way. Podcasting is this beautiful way of getting to know your friends.

Speaker 2:

All right, love you, peggy. Bye, love you.