#45 Tegan Webster

Childhood friend Tegan Webster comes on the pod. The next Robin Quivers?

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Transcript

Introducing Tegan Webster

Speaker 1 0:00

A good morning , good morning or good evening or good afternoon . This is a extremely special Starting Stand-Up episode . We've finally got another voice for you , my friend , my dear friend that I've known since birth , tegan Webster , canadian woman . There's so much to say about Tegan , but this was a little experimental interview . There's so much to say about Tegan , but this was a little experimental interview , and you'll understand why , and I hope you'll be as charmed and fall in love with Tegan , like so many people do when they meet her , and that's all I'll say . So please enjoy this very special episode of Starting Stand Up .

Speaker 2 0:58

Oh man , that's rubbish , that's rubbish . I'm here with Tegan Webster .

Speaker 1 1:07

I'm not supposed to use last names , so I'll say I just tag him . Or a teggy , wedgie , teggy , uh , this woman who's sitting across me . She's wearing a very , very comfortable looking white sweater . She's got a little brown bag with a super weird iphone case . What's going on with the ring on that thing ? Is that a ring holder ?

Speaker 2 1:30

It's very practical .

Speaker 1 1:30

When did that become a thing where women started wanting iPhone cases where you could put the finger through ?

Speaker 2 1:37

I'll tell you for me I have had arthritis since I was 18 . That's so early to have arthritis and problems need invention of , and problems in my hands , and as soon as I saw that there was something that could make me hold it in a way that wasn't my whole hand , I've had like every variation of those .

Speaker 1 1:55

So you've been doing this for a long time .

Speaker 2 1:57

As soon as they came on the market .

Speaker 1 1:59

Okay , now , just so you know who I'm talking to . I could never , in a few words , distill who Tagi Weji is to me , but let's get the story straight . You've been listening to the podcast .

Speaker 2 2:15

Yes .

Speaker 1 2:15

You're one of my oldest friends in the world . But , really you're my sister's extremely best friend , but certainly since moving to Maine , our friendship , wouldn't you say , has has deepened .

Speaker 1 2:27

I would say I would say yeah , and I've always loved taking my sister . One of them , my younger twin sister , was in a horrible car accident and has been in a wheelchair ever since , since 2000 , and I can say unequivocally that Taggy Wedgie has been the most loyal , loving , kind , compassionate friend that you could ever dream for your sister or your child . And before we even go any further , I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart , I don't want to cry on this podcast .

Speaker 2 3:07

We're taking a turn right now . It's changing now .

Speaker 1 3:11

But anyway , we were at a dinner party a couple weeks ago and another listener , another dear friend of mine , we'll just call him Train . You could tell that he was a fan of the show , but he knew he he just felt like it needed something and he actually this was his idea . He thought , much like uh howard stern , as robin quivers , that I could have taggy wedgie and I actually had an immediate reaction like , oh , that would be so fun , because tagging not only has an incredible , but she's also very quick to laugh and it's very weird doing this podcast because I'm Tegan , this is where I do it , you see that .

Speaker 1 3:53

That's where I go . I literally the whole thing , everything you've ever .

Speaker 2 3:55

That's where you usually sit . That's where I sit , right at my computer . Oh , so this is a change of scenery .

Speaker 1 3:59

Yeah , yeah , just a little far back from my desk . But you know it's weird just sitting there and talking and it's so much more fun .

Speaker 2 4:09

Yes , I do think it made me realize that I'm an easy laugh that night . I was like wait a second Hang on . I do laugh .

Speaker 1 4:18

Hold on a second . You just have an incredible sense of humor .

Speaker 2 4:21

I was going to say I also have a really good sense of humor . She's got a pinpoint . Beautiful sense of humor .

Speaker 1 4:26

I was going to say I also have a really good sense of humor . She's got a pinpoint beautiful sense of humor . So I thought , anyway , so that's the back story of why we're here . And we're just experimenting and I think the real , the difficulty moving forward , to be perfectly honest , is how unhinged and last minute this podcast is . Yeah .

Speaker 2 4:50

I can sort of pick up on that vibe .

Speaker 1 4:53

I am sometimes at 8 pm on a Wednesday just like no idea what I'm going to do . And then and weirdly and I've talked about this there's the forcing function of delivering on Thursday morning . That deadline . The time constraint and the fact that all week I inevitably am thinking about things .

Speaker 2 5:15

A little bit , yeah , the brain is tickling all the time .

Speaker 1 5:19

And sometimes , you know , I would say if I were to advertise this podcast it would just be , in all caps , wildly uneven so I can see that . Yeah , I can see that very diplomatic , like our last episode .

Speaker 2 5:36

So actually I thought I heard the last , no , no that's perfect .

Speaker 1 5:40

You haven't listened right to the one that came out today no good good , so good . So what I thought we would do , because it's a five-minute episode .

Speaker 2 5:48

Okay .

Speaker 1 5:48

So I think it would be perfect opportunity where we're just going to listen to it Okay , you're going to listen to it all . You're going to not feel you have to perform or do anything , okay , and then we're going to talk about it . Okay , it'll be a launching point for our discussion . Does that sound like fun ? Sounds perfect . Okay , here we go .

Listening to the Puberty Episode

Speaker 1 6:06

Well , everybody , here we are again . Summer , that sweet melancholy that I've been talking about since summer began , is finally upon us . Some cold fall north winds are rustling through the leaves . If you look closely , a few of those leaves are starting to tinge and crisp up on the edges . Fall fast approaches . How is your summer ? Great , glad to hear it . How's your liver ? Yeah , me too . Me too Me too .

Speaker 2 6:42

That's a good start . You like it ? Yes , all right , especially when it's all summer here . Everybody has to have a winter , and I feel like it's so , stuffy , do you like the opening ? I do , I thought about that . Do you feel comfort ?

Speaker 1 7:02

I'm like how did he ?

Speaker 2 7:02

do this . That's good , that's rubbish's good .

Speaker 1 7:07

Well , as you can probably tell , I am suffering from psoriasis of the liver . That's undiagnosed . I don't believe I actually do have psoriasis of the liver , but I will say that all my lack of sleep and this summer's activities have finally caught up with me and we're not doing well . Physically we are not well , and so because I need to take care of me , I'm taking care of me . I'm going to just do a very short , simple episode where I talk about puberty for a brief moment . I believe there's a bit here and we're going to work it out . But , of course , because this is starting stand up and this is just a spitball area , I am going to just share a little bit of what I did and you can tell me if it made , made you laugh out loud , any of it , and then you can wish me . If it made , made you laugh out loud , any of it , and then you can wish me well , you can send healing , healing thoughts towards me , and then I'll be back better than ever . And this fall is going to be great , because we're going to put together the summer's content and we're going to shape it into just a world-class stand-up set that is going to stand-up set that is going to rocket , ship me to the top of the game , to the top of the heap . Watch out Chris Rock . Here I come , all right , wishing you healing if you are also suffering from psoriasis .

Speaker 1 8:38

I discovered some writing . I did . I'm really happy I discovered it because it's about puberty and I've always loved puberty . I love puberty . No , my kids are right on the edge . Things are happening and that's really when my memory came online and as I was thinking about puberty and what an absolute horror show it is for people's appearances and just it's almost like the great mutator I thought what would puberty be like if , like it was a drug dealer you know what I mean was personified in a dark alley ?

Speaker 1 9:24

I'm not sure you would take the drugs right , because puberty is basically it's in the street corner and he's pushing . He's like . He's like hey , little boy , you want a little testosterone . You want a little growth hormone . Come on , baby . Come on over here . Shit's gonna make you huge dude . Your dick's gonna grow , bro . You want your dick to grow . Come on over . You wanna get yoked . You want some bolder shoulders ? Come on over here , man . I got what you need . I got straight pituitary gland right here . You wanna start smelling like shit . You want your mom to no longer hug you because you got BO . Come on . You wanna get rock hard in the middle of the day , smelling like shit . You want your mom to no longer hug you because you got bo . Come on , you want to get rock hard in the middle of the day for no reason . I got you , I got you and it's , and it's a huge risk , man , if you go into that dark alley and you say yes to puberty .

Speaker 1 10:19

I mean you're taking a huge gamble because most kids are so cute . You know , I can't , I'm not gonna name names , but like you know that person , when they were 11 , 12 , they were cute . It was like oh , wow . And then all of a sudden their nose just grows twice as big and just starts glistening with oil and little pus mountains . Come on , man , you want some pus mountains that'll explode and bleed when you touch them . You want uncontrollable mood swings . You want hey , come on over here . You want to hate your parents and lash out at them for no reason . You want to start crying and not know why . I got you , I got you , I got you . I think the bit is that if puberty was optional , would you do it ? Oh , little Jimmy's so cute . He's giving me one handsome boy Like pump the brakes on little Jimmy . Little Jimmy looks like a horse colt with some sort of skin rash . That's really funny .

Speaker 2 11:31

It's so good you like that .

Speaker 1 11:36

That's like really good , I got to tell you .

Speaker 2 11:37

I'm also in the thick of puberty . Yeah , you are in the thick of puberty , but you have to understand something From my point of view .

Speaker 1 11:44

I record that I have no idea . If anyone finds it funny . So , for me to listen to it with you .

Speaker 2 11:51

No , that was really funny .

Speaker 1 11:52

Just to hear even slight chuckles was a delight .

Speaker 2 11:55

No , I was dying . That's really really , really good . It is a hilarious concept and I just because and I think it's a very relatable concept , because everyone's been through it or seeing their kids go through it- Now I , as I was listening to it this time , couldn't

Reminiscing About Teenage Years

Speaker 2 12:17

help but just want to ask you about your puberty . Well then , your sisters . I don't have detailed memories of any of the stuff , but amanda and hill forced me to shave my blonde peach fuzz , which made my mom so angry , because when you on your legs , on your legs and armpits oh and they were like .

Speaker 2 12:41

You know , you've got to do it since the time it was like what I have , like a few stories with them where they were like you've got to do it . It's the time . I have a few stories with them where they were like we're older than you . We're going to tell you what to do . We've got this covered .

Speaker 1 12:52

What is your birthday ? If you don't mind me asking 1980 . They're six months older .

Speaker 2 12:58

Yeah , but a school year older and in the summer , the age reflects a year older .

Speaker 1 13:04

It sure does . Okay , oh , so that's great . My sisters forced you to shave .

Speaker 2 13:11

And my mom . Her whole thing was like you never shave , because if you wax then you won't have dark hair growing back .

Speaker 1 13:19

Yeah , all the old wives tales and stuff .

Speaker 2 13:21

Well , it's kind of True , it's true . You're extremely hairy now is what you're saying . They ruined me at age 11 . No , I don't know how old I was . You can blame them .

Speaker 1 13:34

That's funny . Do you have a theory ? So also let's reveal a little bit about you . What do you do for work Tag ?

Speaker 2 13:47

I am a psychotherapist and social worker that works specifically with women who are victims of intimate partner violence Do a lot of them .

Speaker 1 13:52

Listen to Starting Stand-Up . I don't think so I don't think they do . No , I think , just as a side note , as I mentioned before Tegan's natural heart-open , compassionate letter on a path work-wise , that is very authentic and pure for what ? We've always loved about her . But anyway , as a I guess , context for my question , what do you think is happening with this early puberty ? Do you have any theories ?

Speaker 2 14:32

Oh . Not that your job has anything to do with it , no , my job definitely doesn't , but I do think that it probably doesn't it definitely have a lot to do with the food Food .

Speaker 1 14:41

Yeah .

Speaker 2 14:42

I would say environmental impacts are , and that includes diet and hormones that are in things and processed foods , and I don't know , like I can't get into the chemistry behind it , but I think that there's a lot of like evidence-based research about that .

Speaker 1 15:01

One of the proudest things I am of my wife is that she was late menstruating . So I always consider she's , let's say she's . Let's say just for shits and giggles . She's 43 . Yeah , she's actually 36 , based on her menstruation .

Speaker 2 15:18

Wait , I feel like we're the same .

Speaker 1 15:20

She was like 15 . I like to think she started menstruating when she was 19 . She was 15 , I think , but she was late , late .

Speaker 2 15:30

it's an inside joke that's not that funny , but anyway but I'm not a part of .

Speaker 1 15:34

No , yeah , yeah , no . It's something I whisper to her in intimate moments . It's not your business , and I'll thank you for staying out of it . Yeah , so it's just a , it's just a wild ride . And you know , look , my daughter's 13 . She's now five , 10 , and she's like early . Yeah , she's early , yeah , and I'm starting to like be like well , look , I mean I was told that I was going to be a minimum of six , seven , smoking an enormous amount of marijuana to try to . Is that true ?

Speaker 2 16:04

No , I mean , I definitely when did you find out you're going to be 6'7" ?

Speaker 1 16:09

13 .

Speaker 2 16:10

That's what the doctor said .

Speaker 1 16:11

Oh yeah , you don't know that story .

Speaker 2 16:13

I think maybe I've heard it .

Speaker 1 16:14

Yeah , but it was one of the worst days of my life .

Speaker 2 16:17

Really .

Speaker 1 16:18

Oh yeah , I went in . He felt my balls .

The Doctor's Height Prediction

Speaker 2 16:29

Evidentlyly , whatever he saw with my nuts , he determined that I had many more years of it's like um .

Speaker 1 16:32

I'd grown like I think my mom had fucked up the doctor's appointment , so in hindsight I think it was her fault . But basically I was five , four at the last checkup and I went into the new checkup 6 feet Wow . So for those keeping score , that's an 8 inches in one year . And the doctor was like good God , you know , you could sort of see it in his eyes Like wow .

Speaker 2 16:58

Wow , I can't believe you remember that appointment too . What ?

Speaker 1 17:01

do you mean ? It's literally one of the most seared memories of my life . I know , but as someone who doesn't remember anything , it's really fascinating to me yeah , yeah , puberty is when my memory came online okay I'm so excited about it . But anyway , uh , yeah he , he looked at my nuts and he goes you grew eight inches in one year and maybe it had been a year and a half and he didn't realize . But he goes , uh well you've got a lot of .

Speaker 1 17:25

You've got a few more years of this kind of growth looks like we're looking at a minimum of 6 10 . I mean 6 , 7 , most likely 6 , 10 , potentially 7 feet and I was a hockey player who is six feet , and all I wanted to do was , like basically get to third base with girls , and I just immediately thought about being a freak you know , being like minute bowl and I got incredibly sad and depressed and I was driving home crying uh , it's like a little like my voice was still high and , uh , I got home and and everyone was like what's wrong with Dave ?

Speaker 1 18:03

and he's like . My brother , will was back from college nine years older , so he was like 21 , maybe just graduated from college .

Speaker 2 18:09

How tall is he ?

Speaker 1 18:11

He's 6'2" .

Speaker 2 18:12

Okay .

Speaker 1 18:12

And he was fully , like you know , a man at that point 21 . And I remember being at the table like head down and my mom's like Dave's going to be 6'10" , Sorry , and guess what .

Speaker 2 18:29

It's because I know the family so well .

Speaker 1 18:32

Yeah my brother Will didn't stop laughing for like four minutes , like he started crying laughing . And weirdly it just made me feel better .

Speaker 2 18:41

He was just like Okay , see , yeah , it was just like .

Speaker 1 18:44

And this is what people don't understand . You know , just you know , just you know , sibling cruelty can kind of feel good .

Speaker 2 18:50

You know well , because I can picture your sisters being like he's sad .

Speaker 1 18:54

Don't be , don't be don't dig it like whatever , and then that actually can make you yeah , and then you make jokes , you're like whatever , but it seems like it really the way that you remember it .

Speaker 2 19:07

It clearly had a large impact .

Speaker 1 19:10

You know no one except the best basketball players in the world wants to be 6'10" . Nobody , I guess that's right , yeah , and anyway , I'm happy to say that I started ripping bong hits about two years later and we curbed it all and now I'm just 6'4 1⁄2" , which is about a half inch .

Speaker 2 19:30

Oh , you were 6'4 1⁄2" . Yeah , okay .

Speaker 1 19:33

Yeah , we curbed it . Okay , we curbed it with aggressive , aggressive drug use . No , that's not true . I think , honestly , the doctor was wrong and he just didn't realize how small my balls are , that's all right . All right , all right , we've hit our time limit .

Speaker 2 19:52

Okay .

Speaker 1 19:53

We'll stick to it .

Speaker 2 19:56

I think this is absolutely lovely . I love it . It's very fun for me Very fun .

Speaker 1 20:01

So

Night Owls and Sleep Patterns

Speaker 1 20:02

you've got Zoom .

Speaker 2 20:03

I do .

Speaker 1 20:04

So I think what we should do is , occasionally we should get on the horn , and I'll test some stuff out for you .

Speaker 2 20:09

Great .

Speaker 1 20:09

And then we can . I mean , it won't be every week , but it'll be like , because obviously at 11 pm you're asleep on Wednesdays Actually not , but it's probably not my ideal . Do you have trouble sleeping ? No , I'm a night owl . Oh , you are .

Speaker 2 20:23

I putz around the house between like late at night Really . I listen to audio books .

Speaker 1 20:28

Tell me more , say more .

Speaker 2 20:30

I just that's when I wake up .

Speaker 1 20:32

What time do you wake up ?

Speaker 2 20:34

Like I get my . No , I get my , like I get a very strong second wind almost every night of my life Late . So what's your ideal ? I don't get enough sleep ever I'm very sleep deprived . Oh , you are always yes , that's why I was so proud to show you that day . I saw you at meditation .

Speaker 2 20:53

I had eight and a half hours oh wow , that's very rare very rare so give me a typical night of sleep for a typical night is me saying to my husband I know I've said this before , but like , please , I really need to get to bed early tonight and him being like , please , don't ever talk about how you want to go to bed early ever again , because it's a pathological thing where I'm like I need to get sleep , but then , without fail , I'm like but I feel so productive now I feel awake and I do stuff .

Speaker 2 21:23

You're nocturnal , yeah so I organize , I clean , I put things back where they belong . Or you've been to our house . I feel awake , yeah , and I do stuff . You're nocturnal , yeah , so I organize , I clean , I put things back where they belong . You've been to our house , it's big .

Speaker 1 21:32

It takes time , so why doesn't your husband just give you the blessing of sleeping in ?

Speaker 2 21:36

Let's get him on the podcast and find out . Come on . Charlie Charlie your life is about to go south . He has so many opinions . No , you and .

Speaker 1 21:48

Mahan are the same . You're both nocturnal .

Speaker 2 21:50

Yeah .

Speaker 1 21:50

And when the kids are out of the house , you'll return to your natural rhythm .

Speaker 2 21:54

And in Charlie's defense on the weekends , he lets me sleep .

Speaker 1 21:58

He doesn't sleep in . Yeah .

Speaker 2 22:00

I could . If there's no alarm , I'll just go 11 , 12 . Yeah two . No , never late , never go to two . No , eight is like late . Nine's amazing , ten , yeah , twelve's like crazy , oh tag .

Speaker 1 22:13

This has been beautiful . I think you know , as a side note , one of the guests I had , kevin Christie . I was like have you done a lot of podcasts ? He's like have you done a lot of podcasts ? He's like are you fucking kidding ?

Speaker 2 22:26

He's a stand-up comedian . He's done a million .

Speaker 1 22:28

And I was like they're so nice . I just feel like I learned so much about you and he's like I actually think podcasts are basically an antidote to male loneliness and it's just like it's a formal way of getting to know someone you never would at a dinner party . You ask different questions and it has to be , it has to have a level of depth . It has . You have to find out about things and it , and it , it so , so , in a weird way . Podcasting is this beautiful way of getting to know your friends .

Speaker 2 22:58

All right , love you , peggy . Bye , love you .