Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#46 From Hero to Zero

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 46

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In this episode, David returns stone-cold sober and shares stories about parenting his wonderfully unfiltered son. From YouTube 'facts' and Jersey Mike's obsessions to the challenges of raising kids in the digital age, David explores the delicate balance of maintaining honest relationships with children while trying not to completely lose your mind. Plus, a masterclass in why Jersey Mike's employees probably have incredible right arms.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Starting Stand-Up. My name is David Walton and I'm so excited to be transmitting this podcast dead sober, for the first time in about three months. If the quality deteriorates, you know why. If it goes up, you'll also know why Some of you will have differing opinions on this. Let's get started on this. Let's get started Today.

Speaker 1:

I just wanted to talk more about my son, some things that happened this summer that I think are going to be incorporated into my stand-up act. I will say this is probably not appropriate to share. It is probably something that he will be, something that he will be mad at me for later in his life, if not tomorrow. It may affect him negatively in his social life and his ability to function as an adult in the world. It may negatively impact, rather, his ability to gain employment and to get into good schools and it could also require me reporting to social workers. But anything for the pod oh man, that's rubbish. I got some new material for my son. He's kind of like an engine. I mean it's. He's a really outspoken kid, really interesting, very, very honest and open, and I like he's got an. He's got an original take on the world. You know it's nuts. I mean he's learning most school doesn't teach him shit, so he's learning mostly from youtube. So it's mostly just ridiculous facts that you don't care about. Like hey, dad, did you know that you can grow back a finger if it gets cut off? And I'm like, oh, that's just sounds like some YouTube bullshit, louie. And then he grabs my phone, looks it up and yes, he's technically right. If you young enough age, you lop off the tip of your finger where there's still a little bit of nail nail bed, it will grow back. But anything below the knuckle and you're fucked. And I told that I go, louie, anything below the knuckle is you're screwed. Stop with this stuff. I don't want to hear about your YouTube facts. I do.

Speaker 1:

I do have a very direct relationship with him. I think we've spent so much time together that we're kind of like a bickering couple that loves each other. Or you know he's bless the boy. He's never. He's never annoyed when I'm like, or he's never hurt feelings. So I'm like you're being incredibly annoying, get away from me, stop talking to me. Like you're being incredibly annoying, get away from me, stop talking to me. Nothing, no problem with that. So I like it. It's very freeing.

Speaker 1:

However, I do scream at him, like today. I screamed at my son because I was hungry and I was tired and it was the afternoon and I was doing some BS errand that I shouldn't be doing for my kids, because we do too much for them and they need to learn hardship and we're not doing that. Just kids who think that we should spend an hour going to storage to find the fall motifs for the bedroom because it's after Labor Day and it's now time to decorate for Halloween, which is just absurd and I don't like it and I had to do it. I did it and I hated myself for doing it. So what I did, when I hate myself for doing it, is I take it out on my boy and the kid just has this very unfortunate specific palate where he basically eats a homemade chicken noodle soup, eggo waffles, maybe an English muffin here and there and then a tuna fish sub from Jersey Mike's. By the way, if you haven't tried Jersey Mike's this episode, they don't know it, but it is sponsored by Jersey Mike's. Jersey Mike's is single-handedly. There's only one in Maine, there's now two, but the first Jersey Mike's in South Portland. When I tasted their turkey with provolone Mike's way, that was the last time I ever even considered going to Subway One sandwich and I said I will never do a Subway again. Poor Subway. I don't even know how Subway still exists. I don't see anyone eating in Subways anywhere but Jersey Mike's.

Speaker 1:

I feel bad for the employees, their rear delts just grinding the meat slicer all day. It probably looks like Rafa Nadal. If you guys watch tennis. Nadal had the sleeveless shirts and he kind of looked like one of those crabs on the beach. That's like walking all off kilter. One claw is just giant. Nadal was a lefty and his left arm was. I would say it was one and a half to two times bigger than his right arm. And that's what I imagine the Jersey Mike's meat slicer. When they rip off their shirt at night after a long day at Jersey Mike's meat slicer, when they rip off their shirt at night after a long day at Jersey Mike's and take what's theirs and make love to their partner after a long day, I imagine just a bulging right deltoid, maybe with some tennis elbow or golfer's elbow as well. Just too much work on those ligaments.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, back to my son and his tuna fish sandwich. I just for some reason think tuna fish has too much mercury in it. If you eat it every day when you're going to like all of a sudden have a kid who can't walk straight, evidently mercury F's up your balance, or he just turns into the Terminator from T2 and just I had to throw liquid nitrogen on him, all right, anyway. So my boy asked for Jersey Mike's. He's whining about it and he's had it like four times in the last week and I'm like we're not going and I just lost it.

Speaker 1:

I just did my full monologue of like your life is so good and I, starting tonight, I'm making it really bad. So you know how good you had it. And we're going to reset your brain. We're doing no screens for a month. No, no jersey mics. Nothing, nothing you like is is going to happen. We're going to reset your dopamine so that you just start absolutely loving doing homework.

Speaker 1:

So the truth is, if you just start absolutely loving doing homework, the truth is, if you just just for the same for us, same for adults, like right now I'm day two of no drinking. Actually, that is why I lashed out at my son, I'm sure of it. But no, we have got to stop drinking. It's after Labor Day. I can't drink anymore. That's why my addiction is better in this episode. But you lash out at the boy. You feel a little bad, but it did the trick.

Speaker 1:

Let me tell you something. This kid got home and he was cooperative. He just sat there doing his homework. He never asked to do TV, he shot hoops by himself. And for those parents out there, you know it, sometimes losing your shit like an 80s alcoholic dad is exactly what you need to do to get your spoiled ass kids in line. Get it together. That's one of my favorite lines. Pull it together right now. Oh man, anyway.

Speaker 1:

So I'm gonna work on this bit. I think it's great. You know my if, for those who have listened, I've got a a bit I'm working, working on about my son just being so direct and so open. I'm watching golf and he's like Dad, have you ever masturbated? It's just out of nowhere. I'm not going to get into that bit now, but there's something I'm going to add to it.

Speaker 1:

The story basically goes like this my son is always you know we're very open. He loves to be naked. You know I'm naked. You know shower there's no, there's no hiding anything and he's just always been very wondered, you know, and hoped and prayed in a certain extent that his dick would be as big as mine. And then the other day we discovered that he had googled penis, vagina, boobs and sex and tits, I believe were his words that he had Googled. And this kid, he was in his room way too long. Our spidey senses went up and sure enough, he came clean. He felt like he was very full of shame. He thought he had done something unforgivable.

Speaker 1:

And while I just want to make an announcement, I am strongly against, uh, pornographic material for 11 year olds, uh. But if I were to be honest about my own past, my very dear friend George, up here in Maine in the summer his older brother, we'll call him L Hart they had a terrific collection of penthouse and hustlers in their attic and I remember being 11 years old maybe 10, 11, and just absolutely being stunned and mesmerized by the pictures I was seeing in hustlers and penthouses. Now, of course there wasn't full penetration, if you will, in those days, but still it just seems so mysterious and intimidating and exciting. So very natural, of course, no shame, but I don't think it's particularly good for anyone's real brain to be hammering themselves with pornographic material and my wife is strongly against it only because sex is so wonderful.

Speaker 1:

And the fear is that you know, what happens is kind of what I was recognizing when I was a bachelor in LA, where all of a sudden it was just like people were like, okay, yeah, like I got into eating ass or something. It's like when did in the 90s, there wasn't a ton of ass eating and then all of a sudden it was just like everyone wanted to eat ass. And I don't want anyone, I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, meaning myself, meaning myself, but it just seems. Seems like ass eating is just the equivalent of mish missionary position from the 90s, just like goes with the territory and I just think that that's obviously. Things have just gone haywire because everyone's watching so much damn pornography and I'm just glad that the german porn hasn't taken hold you know what I mean where everyone's just like, uh, I can't get off and unless you, uh, unless you poop on me, um and I do apologize to the germans listening, I really do. It's a bit. I'm gonna continue to work on.

Speaker 1:

It was the first bit I ever did in LA and my only stand-up in LA. Uh, fecal philia, you know, loving of shit, also known as being a German. That's my joke, okay, so anyway, I digress. But the the real point is, I don't want. I don't want my kids watching porn. I mean, honestly, they're gonna, of course they're gonna. They're gonna go to a friend's house at some point.

Speaker 1:

You know the protective mechanisms are going to be off, they're going to find a way, but this was a bit early and I was, I was concerned. Um well, we ended up having some great conversations, but really what ended up happening was my son, who had always, you know, told me how huge I was. Uh, I was taking a piss and he goes dad, your dick is tiny, and uh, and you know, I didn't really know what to say. I laughed and my feelings were not hurt. I'm on, remember, I made a solemn vow to be honest with you guys. My feelings were not hurt. There was a little bit of a well, I guess that's over.

Speaker 1:

It was like the end of a book. It's like closing the hardcover, just putting a book away on the shelf to never be read again. It's like closing the hardcover, just putting a book away in the shelf to never be read again. It's like there that goes, the bubble has been burst. My son now knows that people have absolute monsters. Thank you so much for listening.

Speaker 1:

The way you can support this podcast is by going to Jersey Mike's and asking them to show you their right deltoid when they're slicing your meat. Go, man, that's got to be hard work. Can I see your arm and see what they do? I swear to God, they'll probably give you a free bag of chips or something. They want to show you their arm. I promise you, if you like this episode, folks, you know what to do Absolutely nothing. Don't leave a comment, don't subscribe, don't heart it, don't tell anyone about it. Keep it to yourself. You need these secrets and you don't want anyone to know what you're listening to. That's what this podcast does. We value your privacy. Don't leave any breadcrumbs about your online behavior. See you next week.