Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#48 Sexual Positions at Work, and Why Your Journals Might Traumatize Your Kids

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 48

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I try a CIA-style trick to make people spill without asking a single question (and immediately botch it on my kid). I answer five actually-good questions so you can decide if you like me or have had enough. We get honest about journals as future family landmines, mushrooms/Zen and not caring what you think, the first laugh that ruined me at age six, and whether everyone’s quietly miserable (ask their spouse). Also: cocktail party questions that’ll get you uninvited, the gym’s… ambitious leggings trend, and a calorie-torching position I’m absolutely not doing.

If something makes you snort, tell me—that’s what stays. If it doesn’t, it dies. Press play and let’s find the 1% worth keeping.

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Speaker 1:

Hi, welcome to Starting Stand-Up. My name is David Walton. I am thrilled, genuinely thrilled, that you've given this a chance and I know you've got a lot of things to do today. I hope you're having a nice walk or a drive, or maybe a little elliptical, a recumbent. Maybe you're on the recumbent. Wherever you are listening right now, I wish you tremendous joy, safety, peace and adventure. In the meantime, I've got an episode that I'm happy about, honestly.

Speaker 1:

We explored some different areas and here they are. If you stick around, we're going to go with the five best questions to get to know someone which I discovered and answered, so you can get to know me a little bit better and I hope one day to get to ask these same questions of you. Second, journal discovery concerns A little overshare in journals. How are your journals? Are your journals safe? How would you feel if something tragic were to happen to you and your children found them? How does that make you feel? Then we're going to go unusual cocktail party questions. I think we all can sort of feel like cocktail parties are landminey and we usually have to get drunk to feel comfortable, and these are some questions that will make it even more uncomfortable. Uncomfortable, and these are some questions that will make it even more uncomfortable. And then I learned a CIA information extraction technique that I think you'll be very excited about. It's a way of getting people to talk and tell you things that you want to know and you never have to ask a question. And then, finally, just the epidemic of anus leggings, please enjoy. Oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. So I just asked perplexity, which is my ai of choice, but basically it's chat, gbt, I mean, or it can use them all. Uh, I asked it what are the five best questions to get to know someone quickly? So I thought in this podcast episode I would answer these questions, because it's much more fun to listen to somebody. If you know them a little bit, you know what I mean. First question how do I like to spend my free time? Very simple Meditation, friends, backgammon, tennis, lovemaking kids, watching sports, cooking, doing drugs, traveling, meeting new people, lifting, reading. Second question what's the best moment or memory that shaped who you are? I don't know who I am. Everything shaped me. I think that's a shit question. Let me take that back.

Speaker 1:

I would say my first laugh, my first crowd laugh, six years old church kids service in summer here in Maine. They always do this beautiful thing. Where they do us, they do the gospel, but they they let the kids come up and act it out. And I was a fisherman pulling in a net of fish. I don't know what gospel it is, I'm not, I don't know my bible, but the minister asked he goes. It was really hard to pull the fish in and I remember just being like, oh, it was hard, and I just made this face like I was pulling the hardest thing in the world and the whole place went berserk and I think I got addicted to that at age six. I felt like that is the best feeling. I've been chasing it ever since.

Speaker 1:

Third question when do I feel the most like myself? Honestly, probably on mushrooms. Certain alcohol buzzes Combined with some mushrooms, because I'm sharp, I'm still capable of speaking well and having intelligent conversation, but there's a sort of a love and there's an unblocked enjoyment. What is it? I think it's when I'm the most unconcerned with what anyone's thinking of me and therefore I can be exactly what I want to be, and usually that's some sort of combination of very loving, mischievous and horny.

Speaker 1:

Fourth question what am I passionate about right now and why? I am passionate about Zen, buddhism. It's all I think about and want to do, to the point where I'm not responding to friends. I haven't responded to a text in like a week. I meditated for like three and a half hours. Today I'm beginning to think this is an avoidant behavior, like there's just shit I don't want to do in life right now because of a mood or whatever, and so, when in doubt, meditate. So the why about why I'm doing it is up in the air. I can't tell you why. Whatever my why is, you should be very skeptical of. Whatever my why is you should be very skeptical of.

Speaker 1:

But what I am passionate about is meditating through the Way app by Henry Schuchman. The Way is a relatively new meditation app that is a single path. There are no choices. There's no like today I'm sleepy, I'm going to meditate on that, or today I'm anxious. You are on the path, there is one meditation and you only can get to the next meditation by completing that one. I love it. I think it's incredibly powerful. I've got no skin in the game, but if you have ever thought about meditating and want to just finally do it, this is the app for you. Good luck.

Speaker 1:

Final, fifth question what drives me to do what I do? I think ultimately I just want to be extraordinary, I don't know how else to put it. A fear of being ordinary drives me to do what I do? I think I'm not sure. Put a pin in that one, a little asterisk. I just went through almost four years of the notes app on my phone which I hadn't done.

Speaker 1:

I'm not a go back in time kind of person. I'm starting to worry a little bit if something were to, if fate were to intervene and I were to no longer be on this earth and people were to go through my digital breadcrumbs or my journal, my extensive journals. I haven't been journaling for a number of years now, but I used to sort of in that early 2010s kind of my late 20s, 30s I was doing like 30 minutes of stream of conscious writing, which are all saved. And it's very strange, as my father ends or, you know, nears the end of his life both my parents, you know. If I were to discover, uh, a stream of consciousness journal from his 30s and leaf through it and open a page, and it's just like some sort of like sexual fantasy, that's.

Speaker 1:

I remember my sort of like sexual fantasy. I remember my stream of consciousness. They would be like they would always start with some sort of worry, and I hate to say it, but it would eventually. You know it's early in the morning, you're tired, you're grumpy, you're hungry. You don't know why you made this commitment to doing 30 minutes of stream of consciousness. The only way to make yourself feel better is to get charged up. So I would end up starting to imagine all my dreams for my wife as far as sexually, because, at the end of the day, you know I there's things I want to do, you know there's things I want to do that I still haven't done. And so, ultimately, the journal became the journal.

Speaker 1:

A lot of it is just me fantasizing, and so this is a problem because I, honestly, I kind of know where the journal is. This is a problem because I, honestly, I kind of know where the journal is, but I kind of don't. And if something tragic were to happen to me and my son lived through these things, I worry. I just worry about the impact it would have on the rest of his life. You know, you know what I'm talking about. Anyone else? Okay, all right, whatever, man, it's time to get this shit together. But anyway, um, I think I've overdone it. You know, because, really, who are we? You know if you, if your journal is a real, true, unfiltered stream of consciousness, it's not really who you are. It's what the inner radio is playing, and you know who are you. Are you your inner radio? Of course you're not. If you were your inner radio, you'd be arrested. I know what you're thinking You're a pervert. You're a murderous pervert. I know what you're thinking in a checkout line when you're hungry and impatient You're a murderous person and you're probably also a pervert.

Speaker 1:

My favorite thing well, it's not my favorite thing, but I have this weirdly reoccurring idea where anytime I'm in like a corporate setting or like a sacred setting, like a church, it's always. I always wonder like if, if people had a, a little sign above their head, like floating, like an augmented, you know virtual reality, and it was just like their favorite sexual position. You know, like this idea that we're all pretending to be pulled together is, is, is, is endlessly funny to me. It's just endlessly funny that people think that they're presenting in a professional way, you know, I mean like maybe it's because I'm a clinton, like I was in high school during clinton, but like the man giving like somber State of the Union speeches where the augmented reality above his head is like cigar in pussy. That's his favorite sexual act. And I love Bill, I mean Bill's great Kevin Spacey, you know, just like giving a graduation speech pre-scandal and just flashing, just like I'm not going to even say what Spacey's flashing, like the 62-year-old in accounting, just favorite sexual positions, just floating above everybody's head as they walk through these office corridors. You know, eugenia from Eugenia, that's an old-fashioned name Like Nancy, nancy's like kind of a cute and a rotund grandmotherly presence. She's been in accounting since the 70s and it's just like, as she's at the water cooler, you just turn the corner and above her head floating and have a digital augmented reality, just says reverse cow girl because that's her favorite position. You never know that and that's not even perverted, but it's just like.

Speaker 1:

Let's be honest, for an 85% of the population, sex is definitely the best thing. You know, there's a bunch of asexual people out there, but for people who like it and want it and really enjoy it I mean there was this great article entitled. It was the good old New York Post and it said which sex positions burn the most calories, from doggy style to the butter churner and I was like the butter churner and I didn't realize what it was. But the butter churner, I mean, and I wonder how many people Would be have butter churner floating above their head. I know what I'd have floating above my head Mish only, 100% mish. I don't like to, I don't like to mix it up. Uh um, the butter churner is a hell of a workout. It's essentially for those that don't.

Speaker 1:

The butter churner, the receiver, so the lady in a heterosexual couple. The lady's on her back and really only her shoulders are on the floor and the rest of her is fully propped up by the man who is standing and squatting, squatting, squatting down to penetrate with with his partner, almost vertical. You know, if you're six foot four and you're butter churning, your face is about five feet away from your partners and you are getting a terrific calorie burn. I mean mean probably 100 calories every 10 minutes, sweating, dripping, sweat down. I'd be shocked if anyone's butter churned for more than a minute. Honestly, if you do it more than a minute, then you're like an MMA fighter. Oh fuck, my cat just entered with a mouse in its. Hey, giuseppe, no, no, oh, nouseppe, no, no, oh, no, ah, fuck. What was I saying?

Speaker 1:

The big question I have right now is is everybody miserable? And I think the answer is yes. I think I think you'd have to ask spouses how happy people are. They're the only people that can really give you an honest answer. And can you imagine going up to a cocktail party and being like hello, uh, kate. You know, I've been looking at Richard. Richard's such a fun guy. He's great. He's got so much good energy. Is he happy in the home Cocktail party questions?

Speaker 1:

I got one from a friend's dad. It was like minute two of kind of a cocktail party scene. He goes David. He's a guy I grew up with. I've known him my whole life. He's like David, how's your marriage? How's your marriage? It was the first time anyone has ever asked me that he's like 75, not giving any fucks. He's had a couple absolutes and I just laughed so hard. I was like it's good, it's good, and he's like he's just looking for more. I was like it's good, it's good, and he's like he's just looking for more. I'm like, yeah, I'm definitely not going to get into the incredibly 100 by 100 foot tapestry that is a 15 year marriage in this setting, but I really respect the question and so it got me thinking of, like what are the questions you could ask sort of lightly at a cocktail party and just pick up any of your spouse's you know every friend spouses and be like, is Simon happy early in the cocktail party? No, but no really is. He seems happy here, he's the life of the party, but is he happy? And just kind of look, look suspicious and skeptical, see what happens.

Speaker 1:

There's a video that I just stumbled on that's got me thinking a lot. It was by one of these kind of CIA investigators, someone who specializes in extracting information. I think he was a spy. He was on one of those podcasts telling about the techniques, like the spy techniques, and it was really interesting because you basically gather information by never asking questions. And the example he used is basically like you get in an Uber and you're like I read an article that Uber drivers are the happiest workers of all the service industries, uber drivers have the best sort of job satisfaction and you just make this statement that's clearly I mean clearly not going to be true. But the person will begin to fight the statement because they don't, they know it's not true. So anytime someone hears something that's not true. They're going to prove how they know why it's not true. So you just start making statements instead of questions.

Speaker 1:

I tried it on my son and I go. I hear you were a lot better in the second basketball tryout. They had two basketball tryouts like back-to-back Sundays. I heard you were a lot better in the second basketball tryout. Just to see if you would just open up about what really happened. And God bless the boy, he goes. Who told you that? And I go? Oh fuck, because I really don't lie. So I go. I think I may have dreamed it, which I think is a lie. So I fucked that up because I knew I didn't dream it. I was doing a technique from a podcast and I should have just said no, I'm just doing a technique from a podcast that was basketball. How was it? Instead, I said I think I dreamed it, which is a lie because I knew I didn't dream it. So there we go. I gotta reset the clock time to last lie. Um, damn it. Anyway, he called me on it, which I respected. He just goes. No, he said he goes. Who told you that? And I go? I dreamed he goes, you're lying. I was like fuck man, you're good, you're going to be in CIA.

Speaker 1:

I go to the gym. I go to this gym called Foley's Fitness. It's in Scarborough, maine, beautiful gym, super high ceilings, 50 feet. They got about nine squat racks. You can do everything there. They've got a AstroTurf area you can do like push sleds.

Speaker 1:

It looks like a really serious about building a physique or getting strong is there in southern Maine and what that really means is that it's a ton of dudes and women just trying to get their bodies into the kind of shape where they can fuck. Get their bodies into the kind of shape where they can fuck. I mean the amount of ass work that's going on in the modern day gym. I would say that almost every dude and woman there's women that every time I see them the only thing they're doing is building an ass. Just the hip thrust, the single leg cable, uh, just tiny little movements, the hips and they're wearing these things. Of course, we've probably been over this, but there is now a spandex. It's been around, I think, a number of years. I haven't. I don't think I've talked about it yet, but it's like like it's extraordinary.

Speaker 1:

I mean, what's happening is essentially they're trying to make a pant look like an anus. So they're taking the folds of a legging and they're bunching it in the crack. So already you have a legging that will basically move. If you are a female with a large butt and I say large in a positive, you know like a powerful ass, you're going to have some distance between the outer edge of your cheek and your anus. Let's call it a hand length, maybe seven inches, maybe let's call it a hand length, maybe seven inches. And what they've done is where the fabric goes towards the anus. Instead of, you know, instead of hiding the anus, what they're doing is making the whole ass crack, look like an anus, like wrinkles, like it kind of looks like a long raisin, and it's obviously intentional. And it's amazing to me how many people are just like fuck it. Yeah, like I'm gonna get the leggings that that throw out anus vibes, okay.

Speaker 1:

Well, that's it for the episode. You know, look, I understand, I'm self-aware, I know there's some things in there that were pretty bad, pretty in poor taste, not funny, but that's the whole point. That's the whole point of starting stand-up. You got to throw out 95, 99% of stuff, but occasionally you get something good. So if something tickled you, please let me know, because ultimately, that's what will stay into the stand-up set and that's what I'll use. So, if anything got you Really got you no, blowing sunshine up my ass, that's the game here. That's the game. That's what we're doing. So we're doing it together and I thank you. I really do. It's super fun If you enjoyed this episode.

Speaker 1:

If it was super fun If you enjoyed this episode. If you want to get someone else involved with this, send it to them. Or I'm not going to beg or anything like that. I'm not desperate, but it does seem like, if you ask people to do these things, at the end that you remind them that it's meaningful to you, and it is meaningful. It's the way you grow. It's just the way it is. It's hard to get attention out there, and the fact that I've kept yours for over 20 minutes if you're still here is honestly a fucking miracle. And so I love you. I really do. I genuinely love you.