Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#50 The Fair, The Rabbits, and My Descent into Madness

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 50

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A dad's trip to three agricultural fairs spirals into chaos when his family impulse-buys three male rabbits with surprisingly prominent anatomy. Join comedian David Walton as he navigates ragweed season, questionable parenting decisions, and his new fears about coaching sixth-grade basketball. Plus, unexpected insights into draft horse aesthetics and the lost era of Quaaludes.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hi, welcome to Starting Stand Up. My name is David Walton. I've got an incredible show for you today. This is a response to a lot of questions I've been getting from fans and from listeners. A lot of people have been wanting to know about the main agricultural fair season. My thoughts on bestiality, some questions about inflation, and my thoughts on rabbits and coaching sixth grade basketball. A lot of questions about that. And then finally, some thoughts about quaaludes. So some great questions I received this week, and we're going to answer all of them. So please enjoy the 50th Big 50 episode of Starting Stand Up. Please enjoy. That's rubbish. Okay, hello. Alright. Well, uh, it's ragweed season here, and so while I'm not sick, I do have uh raging histamines torturing my body and my brain. And so it could get a little weird. Could be a little weird today. Definitely feel kooky. It's been a kooky day. I had about two hours lying in bed where I don't think I had a single thought, but I was wide awake. If anyone has had allergies, sometimes you feel like your entire brain has been infected. But it's been a it's been a fun week. Um we've I've lived in Maine for six years and have never gone to the f the the the uh fall fairs. Uh there's the Cumberland Fair, which isn't too far away, maybe a half hour, which is a lovely spot. And then there's the famous Freiburg Fair, which I believe is one of the oldest fairs in the world, the mid-1800s that started. And we went there on a school night. Three fairs in four days. Uh Saturday, Sunday, sorry, Friday, Saturday, and then Tuesday. Long and short of it is you go to a fair, you have a couple, have a couple cocktails while the kids ride on rides that make you vomit, and then you go into the rabbit section of the fair, and your family, despite protests, I believe at one point I said, under no circumstances are we buying a rabbit. And within a day and a half, we had three rabbits. The rabbits are shitting everywhere. Uh, they're extremely aggressive towards each other, so they can't even hang out. They're tiny, they're three pounds, but they're all boys, and if you look, you hold and you look to see if you can see their nuts. Like we have cats, we have Persian cats, which are boys as well. I still haven't seen a penis or a nut on these cats. I mean, they have them, but well, actually, they don't have nuts anymore, but never saw them. Um, these three-pound rabbits, you hold them up and staring at your face is the nutsack of, you know, a an eight-year-old boy, like a significant nutsack. Very creepy, and can't wait to uh lop those off. The beauty of no one listening to me about not getting rabbits is that uh their big point, the whole family's point, was they're all they're only fifty bucks. It's only 50 bucks for a rabbit that's gonna give you joy and love for eight to ten years. And of course, I know that it's not only fifty, it's not fifty bucks. The cage and the castration, because actually rabbits can't really hang out with each other unless they're castrated, and that's five hunge a pop. So I think the moral of the story there is just don't tie on a buzz and uh buy rabbits and don't listen to your family. And now I'm like the angry dad who's like, God damn it, there's you know, the the rat shit, I mean sorry, uh rabbit shit is very hard pellet. It almost feels like uh maybe a corn cereal, it's brown, but you know, when it when the raffids defecate on your couch while you're watching the Ryder Cup or a Red Sox game, I tend to be like, this is disgusting, but then when your son picks them up, you realize that yeah, they they're they're not messy, they leave no residue. A little bit like a goat turd. Anyway, the this is all to say that this episode will be very animal focused. Now I love animals, and that's really the problem. I think if I had to really dig deep into why I didn't want the rabbits, is because I know that once there's an animal in my house, I can't help but care for it and and worry about it and feel for it. So I'm gonna be the one being more anal about the cage, more anal about the rabbit getting playtime. And everyone's being lovely with these rabbits, but I don't know. I I'm thinking maybe in the second half of my life that I'll get into husbandry. One of the cool things about this, these fairs, though, if you have never been to a proper agriculture fair, I mean, the the amount of animals that are on display and that you can buy, I mean, these they're called 4-H pigs. And that's a 4-H pig is a pig that has been raised by some a kid under the age of 18, and they're just gorgeous animals. There's beef, there's beef cattle. Um I did a lot of research on the pigs because pigs are tough ones to eat only because they're they're as intelligent, they're more intelligent than dogs. They're like it's like dolphin, chimpanzee, pig. And there we are just mowing bacon, not realizing, and frankly, you know, bacon may be the tastiest thing in the world, but it's a weird, random, doesn't make any sense what we choose to eat or what we think is okay to eat, which is a way of saying that I am doing a lot of research on rabbit meat. Now, rabbit meat, should things go south, the ones we got are not, they're too small for for eating, but just to give you some stats here, guys, you're gonna like this. So the the the big thing, people who are getting into sort of homesteading and raising your own meat, it's a big deal to get a cow or a pig. It's a lot of work, it's a lot of food, it's a lot of cost, it's a lot of uh smells, sounds, chickens, roosters, pigs. Mmm, you know what I'm um I feel like you're a three-year-old child. But the rabbit meat, let me see if I can pull this up. We got Jersey woolies, okay, which are insanely cute. You can look those up. But check this out rabbit meat compared to other meat types, rabbit has the most protein percentage, so it's 20, 20.8% protein. Chicken's 20%, beef is only 16%. The percentage of fat in a rabbit is 10%, whereas chicken's 11%. So it's the leanest, highest protein. But ultimately, good for bones. So if you're, you know, you know, this whole protein craze, everyone's like, you gotta eat the number of grams of protein of your body weight. So I gotta eat 230 grams of protein, which is just insane. Um, anyway, the rabbits your answer. And the cool thing about raising rabbits is they don't make a sound, they don't smell, they grow really quickly, and they bone. I mean, obviously, they screw like rabbits. You can this these doughs give birth two weeks later, you can inseminate them again. They're ready to go. God, shout out to rabbits. And the New Zealand or the Californian or the Silver Fox, if you are considering it, are the best breeds for eating. Now, we obviously don't eat rabbit. I don't know what rest you probably this rabbits do, it go to Montreal and you can have all these meats, and that's part of the reason I love Montreal. Go there and have a little horse ceviche, which uh I believe is served at one of the nicest restaurants in Montreal. Uh I draw the line in horses, but anyway, I I wanted that some things stood out at these fairs, which are huge. Uh there's probably, I don't know, a thousand animals, and they're all organized in these barns. So you can just walk through and you see these beautiful dairy cows, and then you see uh uh then you see steers and you see oxen. Because what what do we what's the difference between an ox and a bull and a steer? You might be uh you might be asking, and I will tell you. So a bull is a uncastrated male, and they're all about boning, and they are all about venery. They will, they're just there to ejaculate into usually a tube and inseminate cows, and then of course, you know, some fighting in this in Spain. An ox is trained to work, it's a draft cattle, they're typically castrated, and they're they're chosen for like sort of they have a calm temperament and they have a ton of endurance, uh, but they're trained to work, they're trained to pull, and they have these ox pulls contests where they everyone's lined up, you're sitting in this barn, maybe two, three hundred people, and you're just watching two oxen with a yoke pull a sled with some concrete on it. Pretty small sled, but obviously weighs a lot. And some and somehow they I don't know if it's the fastest or they do it the sort of most elegantly, but I cannot tell you how big these oxen are. I mean, they look like dinosaurs. I'm six foot four. These guys are like their their backs are like eight feet, nine feet up there. Some of the oxen I saw, I took some pictures, but truly massive creatures. I mean, you're just jaw-dropping at how big these ox are. And then the draft horse is also my favorite. Now, that's like the Budweiser horse, all sorts of different breeds. I I'm not an expert, but one thing that really stood out for those draft horses is just the glutes. I mean, the the the beauty of these glutes. You know, if you were a lonely farmer and you like a thick, thick ass, uh it would be hard to resist after a few years out in the country by yourself. And just a side note, I did a walk through England and we did the the Wainwright Trail, which you walk from the west coast to the east coast, took about 10 days. Amazing trip. Highly recommend it. The Wainwright Trail. But anyway, you see so many sheep. And there is something about a sheep which are just really dumb when it rains, they stand stock still. Uh, but there was a moment there where I started to just empathize with the shepherds, you know. You haven't you haven't been with someone in in many years, and these sheep will just hang there. They'll just they'll just sit there, they're not gonna move. And some of them, you know, have really nice wool. So, not to say that I would do it, but I get it. I get it. And uh shout out to the shepherds and to anyone who anyone who secretly just has to get it off with a draft horse. Starting Stand-up does not condone bestiality. I just want to make that really clear. We do not condone it. My producers and I are donating to the anti-bestiality charity that we found. But uh I do have empathy for all those lonely farmers out there. Another thing is just the prices now of those games, you know, like throw darts at balloons or throw the rings on the duckies, or uh the the cost, I mean, throw a basketball and and win a jersey. It's like 20 bucks cash for three darts. And I don't want to be the dad who's just like talking about inflation, but my god. I mean, if you if I said yes to everything my son wanted to do as he walked through, there's probably because that's where they really make their cash. The rides, you know, a lot of electricity, they're expensive, but like darts on a balloon with a bunch of 20 cent prizes from China, like that's that's the cash cow, and the amount of times I had to say no to my boy. If I had said yes, I think I would have spent about I don't know, twelve hundred bucks in like forty minutes based on the prices. So beware when you go to these fairs and uh just get ready or take out a big pile of cash if you if you want to spoil your children. I'm drinking a little hot water with uh honey tonight uh just uh you know get the vocal cords going because I do sound a little stuffy. So big news, I really don't know why I did it, but I have agreed to become the head coach of my sixth grade son's basketball team. Now, this is the B team. I've been assistant coaching for my daughter and my son the last three years, and the reason I assistant coach is because I know nothing about basketball. I played hockey my whole life, I don't know strategies, plays, I have a hard time with kids' names. Um, and so I did a lot of I was a hype guy. I was really charged up on people's hype, but uh I'm really nervous. I'm very nervous about being in charge because once, of course, I don't know anything about basketball, and two, I think sixth grade boys are pretty much the worst. You know what I mean? They're kind of punks, but they're still immature enough where you can't like scream at them like you can, like a high school kid, you know. I mean, I can scream at them, but I don't want to. But the real question is like, I think what I'm gonna do is this. I remember talking to a substitute teacher, or it was actually it was a it was a full-blown teacher. And the strategy when you're a nice person, but you don't want to lose control of your classroom, is the first day you essentially are terrifying. You you you come in as a hard ass. So the kids are just like, we cannot fuck because they will smell weakness. I remember Mr. Moynihan at uh at my elementary school, this man was clearly a homosexual, but was married with kids. We all know the type. And he would, he was a math teacher, and he would put his foot on the desk. The desk is a high, a normal, high, pretty high desk. And so he would, he would, that was his comfort, and he would put his right leg up on the desk and kind of like stretch his hip flexors while lecturing. And you know, his package is just front and center, but he was someone that you could take such advantage of, and anytime his back was turned, everyone would just start hucking number two pencils up into those ceilings that have the kind of cheap where the cheap, I don't know what exactly what it's made of, but it's that stuff that the a lead pencil well well hucked will stick right up there. And so anytime he would turn and write an equation on the board and come back, he would turn back and there'd be like four pencils dangling, and he wouldn't notice, and we would all just laugh. And this is very strict school, but he was someone who we we were no one was listening, and there was so much mischief going on in his class. And so what I think I'm gonna do is first day at practice, I am gonna be a tyrant, I am gonna scream, and anytime a kid goofs off, doesn't listen, doesn't hold a basketball, I'm gonna make him sprint. It's gonna be full miracle. They're just gonna sprint the whole first practice, no fun. They're gonna go home being like, this guy is a maniac, and and then I think once that's established, then I can ease off the gas a little bit. Um, I haven't told my son that I'm gonna be doing this. The irony is I've told him he's gotta be a leader out there. I and he is going to fail. I mean, this my son's deepest need, more than I was, I was voted class clown, but his need, he his crack cocaine is making his friends laugh. And he will do anything, he will get himself in trouble, he will drive teachers crazy to get the laugh. And so the idea that he's gonna be some kind of model citizen out there is a preposterous notion, but it's great to say that to him and have him just sincere you look sincerely look me in the eye and be like, you got it, dad. I got you. It's just like within four minutes he's gonna fuck up. But I'm excited. I've never been in charge. It's good to, it's good to the buck is gonna stop with me. Now, this is the B team, and I I don't know the skill level. I'm a little worried that we're gonna be slaughtered in every game, but I think I'm gonna screen bad news bears and mighty ducks uh for the team. I'm gonna go with what's called uh this is one of my big issues with youth sports, and same thing with movies and plays I've been in and TV shows in particular, is you you end up at the end when it's all over, that's when you have the party, and that's when everyone gets drunk and actually kind of falls in love with each other, not in any sort of sexual way, but like that's when we all start having a really good time, and then it's over, and it's like, oh, we just we waited, and now I'm bonded with everybody because we've all seen each other uh with with our guard down full of alcohol, and now I say goodbye to you forever. So my big thing is if I was ever running a TV show, I would do a blackout drunk party right away, right out of the gate. So everyone just and of course some people are gonna get fired, and there's gonna be some awful thing that happens and probably a lawsuit, but for the people that remain and don't get fired, I think there'll be a a level of joy that everyone knows each other and knows who can handle their booze and who's got you know a drinking problem or a drug problem, and and those are the people that you know you know that you're gonna enjoy being around. And so that's what I'm gonna do with the basketball team. I'm going to I'm gonna get maybe we'll screen a movie, uh, have a little pizza, early season, first weekend, and we'll just get the team bonded, and then we'll do our season, and then we'll do the the typical end of season party. But that's gonna be my big move. And then I'm very pleased because I'm gonna design, pretty sure I can use AI to design all our plays and all our practice schedules, and uh I'm gonna be learning how to I'm gonna be learning the the game of basketball and the strategy of basketball uh as I go. Now, obviously I'm hoping that no parents of my team are listening. Uh, and if you are, of course, I'm kidding. This is a comedy podcast, so nothing I'm saying is true. Mm-hmm. But uh look forward to tracking. It should have a lot of should have a lot of good material from this. I think I'm really doing the head coaching job just to get stand-up material. This episode is brought to you by Benadryl. Little known fact, did you know that um the clear NyQuil, you know, the one that's just Z quil? That's just Benadryl in liquid form. Benadryl is basically they they they prescribe Benadryl for anxiety. It's like a over-the-counter Xanny. So if you ever just Oh man. Anyone done Robotusin? I never did it. When we were in high school, that was always like the kind of high watermark of being an absolute fiend for psychedelics if you had done the Robotusin. I never got that high. It seems so beat. It's like you you have to chug, you you puke, and then you trip. But it is over the counter and it costs you about eight dollars. But the tussen never got never did the tussen, but the Benadryl and then Pseudafed. Yesterday I took a 24-hour Pseudafed. Actually, I think I took one today, too. I think that's why I'm so messed up. But oh boy, you just get that little methy tinge, just a little tiny tap of meth when you take a horse pill of Pseudafed. Don't you think? What's your favorite over-the-counter drug? Anyway, this book Friday night uh the Qualude. We missed the Qualude boat, and that was really missing the Qualude boat is probably my deepest uh anger towards God that I was born or my parents, you know, very upset that I was born and so late that Quaaludes were were just going out. They were so fun, they were so good that they literally stopped making it. Can you imagine if they were just like, yeah, we're not gonna make Vicadin anymore because uh, you know, too many people are having uh two glasses of red wine and two Vikis on their transatlantic flight. No, but evidently it was popularized, obviously, in the Wolf of Wall Street, but the lewds, well before that movie came out, I had heard of a guy to remain nameless, but he was a country club fellow, and he knew of a Fortune 500 CEO type, very wealthy man, a lot to lose, and he had um a Swiss laboratory that was making lewds for him and his wife, so anytime they went on vacation on their Caribbean vacations, they were just loaded with lewds. And I, of course, tried to get that man's name and number, and it never happened, but I'll keep you abreast if I ever find lewds. You bring that up in polite company uh for the the age sort of 55-60 and watch everyone's eyes just light up about the joys of Qua Ludes. And so I think they're gonna make a comeback in our lifetime. They already are, there's already some sort of black market stuff going on, and people are trying, of course, but um no such luck. But again, this episode is brought to you by Benadrill, and hopefully one day it'll be brought to you by Quaaluds. Well, that's our show for tonight, and again, if you thought anything was of particular interest, or you'd like me to work on any of these particular subjects and think that they would be rich areas to explore on stage, or you just want to fuck with me, you can reach out, tell me you loved a certain part, even if you didn't, and then I'll work on it and then bomb, and uh that can also be fun for you. But again, your feedback is critical as I build my stand-up uh material. So thank you so much for your feedback for the people who do reach out. I really do love it, and it really, really is helpful. So thank you. Share this with anyone else that you think might like it. Uh, click a like, click a subscribe. You know the drill, it all helps and it all helps support me on this long, beautiful process of getting good at stand up comedy. Thank you so much. Have an incredible week.