Starting Standup in Maine with David Walton

#51 Lesbians, Open Mics, and the Youth Sports Industrial Complex

• David Walton • Season 1 • Episode 51

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Sometimes getting back on stage leads to unexpected connections. Sometimes those connections lead to inappropriate questions we can't ask. This episode covers both.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, welcome to episode 51 of Starting Stand Up. My name is David Walton. I every week mine my own brain for potential stand-up material. And with your help, I find stuff that is more likely to work on stage. This week's episode, uh two episodes ago, I asked you to be my accountability partner so I could get back on the stand-up horse. And if you'd like to find out if that worked, that technique of making strangers accountability partners worked, you're going to have to listen to Find Out. And then we move very seamlessly into some offensive and childish takes on lesbians. And then that segues nicely, very smoothly, into some thoughts on the inbound sexuality of my own children. Some, of course, some complaints about parenting, and some complaints about the athletic industrial complex, the youth sports rather, rather, industrial complex. And then we get a little deeper little philosophy of the difference between half-heartedness and wholeheartedness in uh in our actions. Um and then I sort of land the plane in kind of that nice down, kind of melancholy, inadvisable way to end anything. So uh if that interests you, that makes me very happy. So stick around and please enjoy. Oh man, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. Check to check. Okay. Well, accountability partners, I've got great news. You did it for me. 0.0% chance I go do an open mic tonight without committing to you publicly two weeks ago in episode 49 of Starting Stand Up. I gotta tell you something. What a dream. So I'm gonna keep committing. I commit to stop masturbating every day. We're gonna do knob nom. No booze, no masturbation, knob nom. I did that one year, one month, I believe it was a January 2013. I didn't see heard it's on some podcast, Nnobnom. No booze, no masturbation. It was a very uh the open mic tonight was the the the kind, the brutal kinds where every single person there is a stand-up. So that there were there's some good people, just no one's getting laughs. I did something uh new. Right before I went up, I remembered that advice I'd gotten about, you know, just state something that's obvious in the room that no one's talking about. And again, it was just the sadness. So what I said was first thing I said was, on a scale of one to ten, how sad is everybody right now? And there was sort of a pause, and then people started chuckling a little bit. And then some woman yells, eight, and then we kind of figured out that that meant she was really sad. And I genuinely, my heart genuinely. And she was a she was a a portly young woman, but you know, not she was wearing it well, you know. I she's she just was open, and she said she was at an eight. And so she got came out of the aisle and we had about a seven-second hug, and she really appreciated people, everyone started clapping. And then I proceeded to talk about masturbation. No, not really, but it was a nice way to start. I may try to keep that. It it's it was fulfilling to me, and I think that's the lesson. If I'm fresh, I mean, I literally just got off stage like 45 minutes ago, so I'm fresh. And what in in reflection, and I said this before, but just being able to, even if you're not funny, connecting, really talking and and leaving a positive mark energetically uh is important. And I think that hug got people on my side right away. And then I started with that joke about you know, my favorite thing about Maine is the all-female landscaping cruise, which isn't even my Austin Earl wrote that. But I I have such a hard time with like those quick first laughs, you know, just like, okay, I'm a professional, I'm gonna give you a joke right away. And then I proceeded to not really do jokes. Again, I went back to my kind of podcast vibe where I talked about how I had procured three rabbits, uh, my testosterone was mentioned, and that my testicles have have shrunk to the size of the rabbit's testicle size. And that was really the the closer. And in listening back, I I will say that the there was genuine, it was a good there it was a heartfelt response. So, and then one of the guys, Nate, another success here, Nate, uh, bearded fellow who's good. Uh, he came up to me, he's like, Man, you got some stuff in there. Like, you know, he was basically a potential. And I said, You know what, Nate? Hey, Nate, I think we should be comedy buddies. Do you ever want to have a little writing session together? So much more fun to do it that way. And he was like, fuck yeah. And so Nate and I are gonna get together. He also invited me to do the November show, a 10-minute set. So now I have a goal, now I have something to work towards that will get my ass in gear. I've got you, my accountability partner, and we're off to the races again. The summer's over. We've officially clicked out of complete degenerate mode, and we're back. There's a lesson there in in there somewhere. Just gotta get back on the horse. I had a couple friends just scream at me, you know, through text, calling me a pussy, get it together, and that's also effective. Carrot and the stick. I like both. I mean, I I'll eat carrot while getting hit by the stick. They both work. So um, again, thank you for being my accountability partner. Uh, we've committed to doing a real set, and uh it looks like in November it's gonna happen. Yeah, that's the update. Is it weird? So I'm doing PT, and this lovely young woman named Emily is my PT. She's extremely capable, she's trained all over the place. She knows her stuff. She gives me my needle, and we get to talking, of course, and she called someone her partner. So I was like, Oh, are you a dyke? No, I didn't say that, of course. I said, Oh, you know, this is gonna be really inappropriate, but she says that she had a tough weekend because her partner's mom doesn't like her or is a real so by the end of the weekend she was gritting her teeth, and I said, Did you take it out on your partner at the end of the weekend and just go ape shit on her and pick a huge fight? She was like, No, no. I was like, Oh, I had lesbians all wrong. No, I'm just teasing. I'm gonna take, I can make lesbian jokes because I know lesbians, no, um, just because they're the best. And here's why. I mean, here's my only issue. Because I'm just fascinated. Um and I'm a pervert. And so what I really want to ask is like, what's going on? Like, how's how's the sex life? Uh, what are you guys into? You know, and I feel like I should be able to say that because this isn't someone that is interested in me. You know, it's a it's the equivalent of a dude. And let me tell you something. A few, you know, uh dry needling sessions with a dude PT who and he's talking about his girlfriend, I can skip a lot of steps. And, you know, I'm not gonna ask, like, oh dude, what's he like fucking a dude? Like, I'm not gonna go there, but you know, favorite posizh, you know, is this guy mish only uh like me, or is he is he someone who is she wild? Is everything good? You know, I just like that stuff. Just just like knowing people's wildly personal information, and somehow uh I usually can extract it somewhat easily. Anyway, I just want to know about the scissoring or the 69ing and or the strap-on technology, if that's the thing, you know? And if that makes me a bad person, so be it. I'm just being honest, that's uh would be a fascinating conversation. And I just wonder if I did that in my sixth dry needling appointment. Um, would I be invited back to the gym? Would I be sued? You know, that kind of thing. So, yeah, if you're a lawyer, let me know. Anyway, this delightful lesbian personal trainer, sorry, uh physical therapist, PT, was telling uh about her frustration with her partner's mother, and it just got me thinking about me as a parent. I often wonder what it's gonna be like if I feel like my daughter or son is making a mistake, like keeping your mouth shut, or do you just go like, hey, you do what you want to do, but that dude is bad fucking news, and that dude's an asshole, and I I forbid you. There's a lot coming, you know, down the piper. Sexual, sexual activation in two years. I mean, it's happening, so I guess it'll be fun. I often think, how much am I gonna fuck with these people when they, you know, when Cecilia brings home a boyfriend? The temptation is just gonna be to make this dude's life hell or test him out a little bit. It'll be fun. And then, of course, you know, Louis brings home some complete psychopath, and you're just like, oh boy. Yeah, I bet he has a propensity for a psycho. It's like young, you know, the cliche is that basically young women go for bad boys, and the theory is that, you know, you're looking for strength, you're looking for someone who's bucking social norms, you know. There's something appealing about that because you're like, this person plays by their own rules, you know, and there's there's value, I think, in that. Uh, and thus the propensity for making mistakes as a young woman going for for bad boys who who don't necessarily treat them well. And the same holds true for boys who I think are just uh, you know, mesmerized by females and their sort of maybe their chaotic nature at that age, and so they just hop on the roller coaster and just get torn to absolute shreds. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just me. But um, no, I think it's I'm really excited for this next phase of of parenting. I'm pretty much done. I'm pretty much done with the preteens and the early teens. I'm ready for some adulthood. But I gotta, I'm gonna appreciate I practice a pr I practice gratitude every day for the 45-minute Korean skincare routine that I watch and I support and pay for. And I also support the recap of a television series about superheroes that I have no interest in. Now, I really actually don't pretend anymore. Say uh not now, boy. There's gotta be someone else you can call to talk about the boys and the plot lines. Now I kid a little bit, but not really. It's tough out there. I think if um for those with uh kids in this age range, I think I'm gonna get a support group together because the cliche answer is oh man, 13, oh my god, 12 and 10. God, that's when it gets fun. Yeah, so fun, right? And I'm like, I mean, I'd like to see your kids. Most of the parents of my 12, 13, 11-year-olds are spending, I don't know, 40 hours a week driving them to youth sports games that they will never ever play after high school. Football, tackle football, um, probably soccer, uh, baseball, certainly. That is over after high school for the vast majority. Uh, and those are the biggest ones, which is just baffling. Lacrosse, you're not playing that after high school, let's be honest. Let's let's get real. Field hockey? Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna dedicate my life to driving my daughter around to play field hockey so that at the age of 18 she can never play it again. Doesn't make sense to me, guys. What percentage of kids truly love these sports? And what did we do in the 1900s before sports youth sports were a thing? Like what what were what were we doing? Does anyone have this data? Can someone please send me an article about what parenting was before the youth sports industrial complex took over and became a virus in everybody's mind? What it is madness. Grown men of friends of mine who I and I get there are some I have some friends who truly love it. They'll manage the team, coach the team, they just love sports, their kids love sports. So I'm not knocking that at all. But I know a number of parents who willingly force sports onto their children who aren't that into it, and neither are the parents. And then they spend their adult life driving all over the world, the country, New England, just entire weekends swallowed whole by mediocre, half-hearted sporting events. Madness. Complete madness, and somebody needs to do something about it. I think I'm just regretting signing up to be head coach of my son's basketball team, I'm gonna be honest. Just venting a little bit here. Pretty nervous about it. I really am. I just I want to do something in my life wholehearted. You know, I think my whole life has just been a half-hearted thing. Just one foot in, one foot out. I mean, I'll be honest, I've got one foot in stand-up. I needed I needed accountability partners from strangers that I'm barking at on a podcast to force me to go do it. You know? I'm gonna coach and like the first two weeks I'm gonna be super into it, and then I'm gonna be half-hearted about it. For those who stay wholehearted into things, what's your trick? Please write me. What's the trick to wholeheartedness, please? Thank you. And I thank you in advance for a complete and detailed answer. I am venery? I'm wholehearted about that. Completely wholehearted about venery. Is there anything else? Tennis? Can't play that. Sports and venery. Am I just an incredibly superficial human? Just boning and sports. Everything else is just and then, you know, uh non-ordinary experiences with friends. Yeah, that's it. That's all I that's it. When I say non-ordinary, I mean, you know, either an incredible vacation or uh, you know, an evening out that just has something really high quality evenings out, evenings out socializing, dinner parties, sports and boning, and then snuggling. Yeah. Snuggling with kids. Reading? I can wholeheartedly read with legs intertwined with children. As long as they're not talking too much. That is my deepest peace and happiness. How about you? What do you do wholeheartedly? Where do you find your deepest peace? God, I wish I knew who you were. It's getting pretty awkward alone here at my desk. But I am imagining you in the bathtub, a little pinner, just taking in these words, letting it wash over you, letting it change how you think about your own life. Let's all change each other's lives. You've certainly changed mine. I think we both know that I've um said enough tonight. I want to wish you so much so much wholeheartedness this week. I hope you pour yourself into something and lose yourself. Next week, we will be at exactly a year. The year anniversary episode. 52, episode 52. I believe there's 52 weeks, yep. So uh that's a big moment. No idea what we're gonna do, and I will most likely not plan it until 8 p.m. Wednesday. So not much else to say. If you enjoyed this episode, I'd really appreciate it if you kept it to yourself and didn't tell anybody and didn't comment or like or share. Again, I'm trying to I'm trying to shut this thing down. And we need to get to zero listeners. So just slowly wear it out because I can't quit if I know people like it. That's just not who I am. That's one more wholehearted thing I am. I'm a wholehearted people pleaser. So if it pleases you, then I can't stop. So again, do not share, do not comment, do not like, do not subscribe. Unsubscribe, frankly. That would be helpful. I wish you, again, a wholehearted week. Go take what's yours.