Mourning Your Old Life — When the Person You Lost Was You

There is a kind of grief that nobody talks about — the grief of losing yourself. Not to death, but to a single moment that splits your life into before and after. For Kristen Toepfer, that moment was September 11th, 2018. And the person she had to mourn was herself.

In this deeply personal episode, Kristen takes us back to who she was before the stroke — a nightshift industrial engineer at UPS with nearly 20 years on the job, a model traveling to LA and Nashville for photo shoots, walking New York Fashion Week and loving every second of it. She was fast-paced, on the go, and never once thought a stroke could happen to her at 36 years old. Then it did.

Kristen opens up about what it felt like to wake up from a coma and slowly realize that the life she had built — the career, the independence, the ability to simply put her hair up or do her own makeup — was gone. She talks about the years she lost to not even knowing what was happening, the anger she felt at her past self for pushing through warning signs and smoking cigarettes, and the pity parties she admits she had along the way before learning to pull herself back out.

But this episode is not just about loss. It is about what happens when you stop asking why me and start looking for what is still there. Kristen talks about the moment she found her new purpose — becoming a stroke and aphasia advocate — and how helping others gave the new Kristen a reason to keep going that the old Kristen never had. She is stronger now. More grateful. She doesn’t judge anymore. She notices birds and sunlight and simple things she would have blown right past before.

She also shares what gets her through the hardest days — group therapy, her husband John’s hugs, and the daily practice of finding something to be grateful for before she even gets out of bed.

And yes — the Amazon $2 story makes another appearance.

If you have ever had to grieve a version of yourself, this episode will hit home.

Subscribe, share, and follow Kristen’s journey at kristentoepfer.com

Join Kristen and cohost Billy Montana for monthly episodes filled with advocacy, education, and inspiring conversations.

Together, let's raise awareness for stroke and aphasia and support each other on the journey to recovery.
http://kristentoepfer.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Okay, hi everyone. Welcome to Kristen Toper's podcast. Stroke and aphasia advocate. How are you doing today, Kristen?

SPEAKER_03 1:09

I'm doing well today. Good.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

So today's episode podcast is going to be about mourning your old life. It's going to be a tough one today. So my first question to you is can you paint a picture for us of who you were before September 11th, 2018? What did a typical day look like balancing your engineering career at UPS with your modeling dreams?

SPEAKER_03 1:46

Um I I did both.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

What else? Tell us what else you kind of were like what was your life like before the stroke?

SPEAKER_03 2:15

Well, I was working and I could run. Well no, I can't run yet, but I will be able to run. Um it's just being able to do anything that I I grieve the my own life life uh before um it's a life-changing event, and that's just the way it is. It's not just for stroke, it's for anyone that has a life-changing event.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Did you feel like you were taking uh like looking back now, how many things that were daily things that you would do that you took for granted that now would be like such a struggle for you?

SPEAKER_03 3:21

Um putting my hair up, doing makeup, um just um I have um wick right said wick weakness, and so it's hard to do things.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

Right. So when you were working back before September 11, 2018, like what did what did a normal day look like for you? You get up in the morning, did you make yourself breakfast, have coffee, what was your what was your first task getting up during the day?

SPEAKER_03 4:05

I would get up when I woke up, take my medicine, and shower, and eat breakfast, but I it would be like lunch because I work at I work that night.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

Okay. All right. And then what would take place after lunch? What would you what would be a normal thing for you?

SPEAKER_03 4:34

Then I'd go to work. Um lunch is sort of during the work and then uh how the snack and then I go to I get out of work at 11 and uh 11 or 12 o'clock. And then I go to sleep and then do the same thing over.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

Alright. So um now you had just walked in New York Fashion Week. What did the achievement represent to you at the time?

SPEAKER_03 5:20

It was just being there, taking it all in. It's that's what I w love to do. And I walked for the the last one, I walked for disabilities and not um being a fighter and and yeah, it was nice to go. I didn't uh appreciate it until now.

SPEAKER_02 5:57

How did it feel back then to be living both worlds, like working hard, but then like on weekends doing like photo shoots and feeling all glamorous, like the UPS job and the modeling of two different types of things. So, what was like balancing those two lives like?

SPEAKER_03 6:17

Usually I would shoot or go where the SU went, I would travel to or in the country, and that was it, not all of it, but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:38

So, what was the difference between a workday and a photo shoot day? Like how like energy-wise, like what was it like for you? Like, was it really exciting? Was it like, oh, another week of work? Uh and then it's like, well, photo shoot time, like did you have like like that?

SPEAKER_03 6:57

Yep, getting all glammed up, seeing the people, old friends and everything, right?

SPEAKER_02 7:04

And then traveling to different places, right?

SPEAKER_03 7:07

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

What was the funnest place that you liked being at?

SPEAKER_03 7:15

Um, LA was nice, Nashville was nice. Um those are the ones that I remember the most.

SPEAKER_02 7:27

If there's one place in the world that you could do a shoot right now, where would you want to go?

SPEAKER_03 7:33

I go uh to um Iceland. Iceland you did before.

SPEAKER_02 7:39

Yeah, nice. All right, so when you first woke up from your coma, what was the moment you realized the old Kristen might be gone forever?

SPEAKER_03 7:54

Um I didn't know yet, but when I woke up, I couldn't move each both legs and I couldn't talk, and at least I know the family was there. Um it was a tough battle battle to go from what happened to me to now. Worked hard.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

As an engineer, you were used to solving complex problems with precision and clear communication. How do losing that ability to express yourself clearly affelt affect your sense of self?

SPEAKER_03 8:41

Um, because I don't it's I have aphasia, so it's it's hard to to get my point across, and it's it's hard to read and write.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

Tell me about some of that frustration, because like it's a very important part, like people don't realize about your life. Most people that know you as a model didn't realize the important job you have at UPS and how long you worked with them. So in order to be an engineer, you're solving problems, you're working really hard. So, like, how did this like what was the frustration level for you like that now? Like when you see like things that you can't solve, like that used to be able to solve, like maybe almost immediately.

SPEAKER_04 9:41

It's rather frustrating. Yeah, I would imagine.

SPEAKER_02 9:53

How did it feel to realize you might never return to your engineering career after nearly 20 years with UPS?

SPEAKER_03 10:03

Um, it was very tough to realize it because I've been doing it so long, and then it's it's hard. It was really hard not to be able to go back.

SPEAKER_02 10:22

How did it feel to realize you might never return to your engineering career at UPS after nearly 20 years?

SPEAKER_03 10:33

Um, it was because I woke or I go to work every day and you miss cover co-workers, and I liked my job.

SPEAKER_02 10:49

Yeah. Did you ever grieve the modeling opportunities that might have come after New York Fashion Week? The what-ifs of your career path.

SPEAKER_03 10:59

Well, I did go do a photo show, and I was very I was a lot more heavier than I am now. And being the only one that wasn't that was really overweight made a difference. I had the the the strong will to keep going.

SPEAKER_02 11:23

Well, I'm more specifically talking about like okay, so you walked in New York Fashion Week, and that's when you were supposed to do actually you're supposed to do a photo shoot with me the next day. And that didn't happen because you got sick and you weren't feeling well. So, like, do you ever think back and be like, what if that didn't happen? What if the stroke didn't happen? What what kind of opportunities would I've had that I missed out on?

SPEAKER_03 11:55

I'm sure there's a lot of opportunities with the with the modeling, and then just leaving my living my life. I just don't I have to alter it to keep going.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

But did you have a lot of that like after the stroke and stuff? Did you did you have any of that like you're missing it or you like worrying, like wondering, like you know what am I gonna do now? Yeah. But you stuck through it, you're still modeling, which is a very, very great thing that you have overcome. So I want to talk about something serious right now. Like, people don't often realize that stroke survivors go through a grieving process similar to losing a loved one. Can you walk us through what that looked like for you?

SPEAKER_03 12:57

I I lost myself for a couple of years because I like didn't really know what was happening, and losing yourself is hard, but you can't you have to keep going, but especially with the aphasia, and nobody can understand me until I I I went to speech therapy for two years.

SPEAKER_02 13:27

That was a it was definitely a a long road back for for sure. But I want to ask you, because you know, I know this is a tough subject because it it's making you have to like go back and it's probably pretty upsetting. So, but you know, I want people to understand like what you're actually going through and what you've been through. But were there days when you felt angry at the person you used to be, maybe for smoking, for pushing through those warning signs for not taking better care of yourself?

SPEAKER_03 14:03

Yeah, that's all the above.

SPEAKER_02 14:07

So you'd be like mad at yourself for smoking cigarettes, like were you like, Well, why was I so stupid? Or yeah, yeah, you would get that like now knowing the warning signs, like how long were you having warning signs before it actually happened?

SPEAKER_03 14:28

Um pretty much at the show. I got a really bad headache, and I just pushed through through it.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

But have you had those prior before?

SPEAKER_03 14:42

No.

SPEAKER_02 14:43

If there's one thing that you could have changed about all that, what would you have done? Gone to gone to the hospital earlier, like what what would you have done?

SPEAKER_03 14:52

I definitely would should have went gone to the hospital very earlier than because when I had the stroke, it was kind of like a a night thing. So I couldn't when I woke up, I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, and then I thankfully I got a hold of my husband and he rushed watched washed over. Rushed, yeah, rushed it over back to the house and then took me to the hospital, which is very close. It was uh across the street from the hospital, but thank God like things happened the way it was.

unknown 15:37

Right.

SPEAKER_03 15:38

What happened?

SPEAKER_02 15:41

You know, the sad thing about this podcast is that most people who have never had a stroke are probably not gonna listen or watch this because they don't think they have they don't think they're at risk for a stroke, right? So I didn't.

SPEAKER_03 15:58

I didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

So um no, strokes don't happen in my age. So that's why I really wasn't concerned about it. But now I'm strokes can happen at any age.

SPEAKER_02 16:15

Yeah. So it's up to us to try to educate people, up to you to educate people about what what's happening with all this stuff. So um, how did your husband John help you through this grieving process? What did he say or do that helped you the most?

SPEAKER_03 16:35

Well, he always kept pushing me, which is good. Um, even when I had days of being down, he'll always get me back up.

SPEAKER_02 16:48

That's good. With some some things that he would do to make you smile or to make you feel a little bit more positive.

SPEAKER_03 16:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:57

How did he help you with the grieving process, though? Like when you were like very upset about going through this and being like, my life's never gonna be the same, and just being upset. Yeah. Like, why me? Have you ever had those why me moments? Like, why me?

SPEAKER_03 17:15

No, because I knew it was I don't know it was more like I mean, I've had over the years, I've had a pity pub, a pity party about myself, but then I just realized that I'm still alive and doing some things that I love.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

So you started to find things that you could be grateful for.

SPEAKER_03 17:44

Yeah, every morning.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Yeah, that's a great attitude to have. Okay. Complicated grief. What made this grief particularly complicated for you? Like mourning someone who is essentially yourself.

SPEAKER_03 18:06

Yeah, it was um well says it's I'm different, and my family has stays a little different, but for a good part.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

So how do you think that this has changed you like in a good way compared to the Christian pre-stroke?

SPEAKER_03 18:32

I'm definitely um what's the word? I definitely in and blessed, and I forget the question.

SPEAKER_02 18:49

I said that uh what makes this grief completely complicated, mourning someone who's essentially yourself. So it's like how complex is the grief? Like we have the Kristen that was before the stroke, and then the Christian that was after the stroke.

SPEAKER_03 19:10

It's complex because I didn't really know myself for a while, and then I am I just I'm like I said I'm grateful for my blood least, and it's just hard to know that I was different than now.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

Okay, and now tell me like some of the good things about you now compared to the old Christian. So, what is the blessing in disguise for you? Like, what is the difference, a positive difference within you that you didn't have before?

SPEAKER_03 20:01

I'm stronger now. I well not stronger, I mean I'm stronger in general.

SPEAKER_02 20:09

Um mentally stronger.

SPEAKER_03 20:14

Yeah. Um I'm more of a self-worth now. Okay. Um just being through what I've been through. You just take you don't take life for granted.

SPEAKER_02 20:39

Right. So that's like the biggest takeaway for you, right? Is like now you're grateful for so many things where before you aren't grateful for as much.

SPEAKER_03 20:48

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 20:50

Did you ever feel guilty for grieving your own life uh when you're just grateful to be alive?

SPEAKER_03 20:59

I don't think um guilty is the word. Um I'm just happy to be here and I can smell like literally smell the roses because it smells good and doing the hiking and the the birds and the view. I I like to enjoy the the simple simples of after the life.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

So basically, what's important here that for people to understand is that we as human beings who are healthy that have not had anything traumatic happen, like that happened to you, we take a lot of things for granted every day.

SPEAKER_03 21:56

Yep, even the little things and then

SPEAKER_02 22:00

This has awakened your awareness that now you are grateful for little things that you were never grateful for before.

SPEAKER_05 22:10

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Like now you're appreciating the birds and you appreciate the sunlight or different things that you have taken for granted most of your life. Now it's like those things are just you're happy to be alive, you're happy to be here, and you're finding joy in new ways, right?

SPEAKER_03 22:29

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

How do you explain to people that you can be thankful for surviving while still mo mourning what you lost?

SPEAKER_03 22:40

Um I just I thank God and He just made me survive, and I'm not really sure.

SPEAKER_02 22:57

Yeah, let me ask it to you in another way. So how do you explain to people, because I'm sure people have this question all the time, that know you, and even people that may not know you, how do you explain that you could still mourn your own life, but you're grateful for and you're thankful for surviving all this?

SPEAKER_03 23:25

Yes. Um it just made me stronger, and um I forget.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

So do people ever ask you like about your grieving your own life? No, I think they they knew what was going on, and do you ever get people come up to you and say, wow, you're so you handle this so well, you're so amazing that you've overcome all this and that you're still such a good person, fun person to be around? Do you ever get any of that?

SPEAKER_03 24:20

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

Make you feel good?

SPEAKER_03 24:27

Or I think yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:31

Was there a specific moment when you began to accept that the old Christian was gone and started to get curious about who the new Christian might be?

SPEAKER_03 24:44

Um, I didn't know until like two years, because I didn't really remember much during this broke, and then and after this broke, it I was in V Hab for a month. But I didn't really think things at that point. I was just getting being able to walk. That was what I was um That was the only thing that was on my mind at that point.

SPEAKER_02 25:22

I think kind of the turning point too is around the time you contacted me to do your website.

SPEAKER_03 25:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:31

And then you started to do these podcasts and your book. Because why?

SPEAKER_03 25:39

I want the world to know that my story and the the podcast help me educate things to people.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

Right, so that's a turning point when you decide that you wanted to become an a stroke and aphasia advocate and you wanted to start helping other people so they don't have to go through what you went through, right?

SPEAKER_03 26:05

Right. Or if you want to have a loved one look at my podcast and then be like, oh, that's really what you went through and I didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 26:21

Yeah, it's definitely educational, it's definitely a turning point in your life. Um, you know, so that's pretty awesome that you've been able to get through all that stuff. When did advocacy work first enter your mind? Was it part of finding meaning in this new life?

SPEAKER_03 26:45

Yeah, I just wanted to tell others what I'm going through and then they can. I I just want to help people.

SPEAKER_02 27:03

Yeah, and that's a really great calling for you to have. It's a great purpose to have. Um, so moving forward, how do you honor your pre-stroke self while embracing who you are now?

SPEAKER_03 27:26

I'm not sure what you mean.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

Grieving the old life. So the Kristen pre-stroke was pretty fast-paced, on the go, uh modeling, having fun, cutting it up with people, laughing, joking, you know, partying, right? Uh hitting the runaway like it was nobody's business. You didn't even have to think about walking, you just did it. Right?

SPEAKER_03 28:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:09

And now you are this woman who has become like an inspiration to many people. Um, so how have you like how do you still honor the old Kristen while being the new?

SPEAKER_03 28:29

It's not just speech-wise, it's writing and reading out loud, and it's just confusing sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Right. So, but I think what most people don't get is because your approach is slower now because you have to think about how you want to say things. Um, some people may not realize that you still have the same thoughts you always had. You're you're just as smart as you've always been. It's just processing it from your mind out of your of your mouth or down to like writing or reading or something like that, correct?

SPEAKER_03 29:24

Correct. So have trouble with it.

SPEAKER_02 29:30

Yeah. And how much do you feel like you're improving?

SPEAKER_03 29:36

Um I think I'm improving with the writing, but not as much as I'd like to do.

SPEAKER_02 29:51

Well, I think with doing this podcast with you over the last year, I believe that you've grown a lot. You've changed a lot. You have um you're definitely a lot clearer than you used to be. Um, so I think you're doing great.

SPEAKER_03 30:10

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 30:12

You're a miracle. How do you honor your pre-stroke self while embracing who you are now?

SPEAKER_03 30:22

Yeah, that's that's pretty much it. I I make videos to help and aid stroke victims.

SPEAKER_02 30:35

You just want to make your old self proud for doing the work that you're doing today.

SPEAKER_03 30:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

That's awesome. What would you want to say to other stroke survivors who are in the thick of mourning their old lives?

SPEAKER_03 30:54

Um, I think I know I grieve at all times. Sometimes it's worse than the other. And I just keep telling myself to keep going, be mindful, and use your family too to help.

SPEAKER_02 31:15

Okay, so you uh would basically tell them to look for support and to keep trying to move forward.

SPEAKER_03 31:28

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 31:29

Is there anything about your old life that you that you're actually glad you left behind?

SPEAKER_03 31:36

Um that's I don't it's a whole new world for me and I I like the fact that I didn't really pay attention to it about like everything that's going on. And I would tell her that I was always being encouraged about new things and try new things even though you can't really do that much.

SPEAKER_02 32:23

So what are some things that you're glad that you don't do anymore that Kristen the old Christian used to do that you're glad you don't do anymore?

SPEAKER_03 32:32

I don't judge anymore.

SPEAKER_02 32:36

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 32:37

Because I know I've been through it.

SPEAKER_02 32:42

That's good. What about habits?

SPEAKER_03 32:46

Oh I wasn't well, I was fit, but I didn't doing things that I would do is smoking's bad. I wasn't taking care of myself, and that's what happened exactly. Oh, and that's why I don't smoke anymore.

SPEAKER_02 33:10

If you had a conversation with Priestro Kristen today, what would you tell her?

SPEAKER_03 33:17

I told I would tell her to be more mindful, I would tell her to be grateful for what you have and what you've done. And I just I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 33:36

So if you're gonna have a listener today, even if it was just one listener that you could help, based upon grieving your old life, we've come to learn, we've come to find out that there's a lot of people that have had strokes that don't think they're gonna have one, and they do. And it drastically changes your life. Like one day you're working, one day you're walking in New York Fashion Week, and then the next day you're you just can't even talk for two years. That's a drastic change in anybody's life, right? So you've got two choices. You can either give up or you can move forward. So you've chose to move forward, but what we've also have come to know is that there's so many things that we take for granted when we didn't have a terrible thing happen like what happened to you or other stroke victims. So life changes like this, but you're lucky enough to be alive, you're lucky enough to make a difference in life. What would you tell other stroke victims right now about grieving their old life and how to handle it?

SPEAKER_03 35:02

Well, you can speak to others that to to help. The doctors will help, speech therapies will help.

SPEAKER_02 35:11

When you go through um like your group counseling, how often do people get upset about their and grieve their old life?

SPEAKER_03 35:23

Um, not too many would be, I guess, angry. And then, but it's just a matter of starting a new life.

SPEAKER_02 35:32

Yeah. So does group therapy help with that?

SPEAKER_03 35:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:39

How about family? Do you ever have like private moments where you get upset, like maybe with John, and you saw crying about your old life, and does he help you? And how does he help you?

SPEAKER_03 35:51

It'll just help me give me a hug and tell me it's okay.

SPEAKER_02 35:57

And that's all it takes sometimes, right? Just to feel loved and cared about. So hugs for everybody.

SPEAKER_03 36:11

Yeah, hugs for everybody.

SPEAKER_02 36:14

And Amazon shopping.

SPEAKER_03 36:17

And online. Well, fun fact, when I first started going on Amazon, I thought everything was two dollars. So everything I was buying, I thought they were two dollars. Not pleased. My Amazon, my aunt was my own my husband was not pleased.

SPEAKER_02 36:40

How's your Amazon addiction today?

SPEAKER_03 36:44

Um slow. Trying not to keep ordering stuff.

SPEAKER_02 36:54

All right. Well, that's good.

SPEAKER_03 36:59

Okay, thank you.