Sports Day, Reports and End of Term

End of term season is here!  Between the certificates, sports days finishes, exhaustion and reports, it's easy for both parents and kids to feel the pressure of achievement.

In this episode Ed and Amy dive into how the gospel changes the way we view both success and failure. Appreciating our God given gifts and practical ways to "smart coach" your kids through challenges.

Join us for a surprising theory about snooker balls and the rest we can find in the truth that our value isn't found in an "A" grade, but in being a deeply loved child of the King.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

When I'm talking to my children about why it is worth preparing for an end-of-year test, I am saying.

SPEAKER_04 0:07

Because your life will be ruined if you don't do it properly.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Amy, sincere face. I am holding back from saying you need to get an A or it's pointless. You need to get an A or your life is ruined.

SPEAKER_04 0:21

You're a deep disappointment to me.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

Which, let's be clear, is not true, but that is what I'm fighting. Instead, we are saying we work as if for the Lord.

SPEAKER_05 0:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

We choose to work hard because we have a king on the throne who is watching and he cares and he smiles. He smiles at our effort. He wants us to give it our best.

SPEAKER_03 0:54

Our summer vibes are on, and today we are talking about that moment of moments. It is end of term assemblies, sports days, certificates, award giving. Ed, I'm hoping you've got enough certificate or award to give me today.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

Amy, well done. We're getting to the end of the year. Congratulations. There's a trophy later.

SPEAKER_03 1:15

I want a sticker.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

You want dry ice. Yeah. You want bright lights. Yeah. You want everyone clapping.

SPEAKER_03 1:22

Auditorium of hoorays.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

And that is the difference between me and you, Amy.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

It's ideally you want everyone to give you deep emotional speeches with far too much eye contact. Yeah. Where people go through the various waves.

SPEAKER_04 1:35

Let me just tell you what an encouragement you have been to me this year.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

That's right. Whereas I would much walk away. Whereas I'd rather be in the back row hoping no one's noticed me and just can we please leave this ceremony and go home.

SPEAKER_04 1:48

No, but I'm gonna hand you the way out. That's it. Not bad.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

We are all about those moments. We're all about sitting in the front row and filming every moment, or sitting in the back row and wincing and screaming. We're about the clapping and the awards and the report that lands on the doormat and has your child got an A or a C this year? We're about pulling the year to an end and wondering how on earth are we gonna parent our way through it. That's what this episode is all about.

SPEAKER_03 2:16

Ed, I've got a question for you. Have you ever done competitive clapping? No, I mean at an awards event.

SPEAKER_00 2:25

No.

SPEAKER_03 2:25

No? Do you even know what that is?

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Okay, is it you've got to clap as loud as you can for your own child?

SPEAKER_03 2:31

Well, no, you see, you can't do you can't only clap for your own child because then people will judge you as not being a very nice person. So you have to warmly applaud for everybody's children, but then you need to make sure that it's clear that your child hears and that you are clear that your child is the best. So you have to clap extra loud, possibly even stand up and whoop.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

And do your children know mum is gonna do this? And listen, and do they have to come off and say, Mum, I heard your clapping, thank you?

SPEAKER_03 2:58

Well, I don't know if they've ever thanked me. I don't know if we've had a discussion about it. I just assume that it's what needs to be done. We generally have had conversations about which side I need to sit on, you know, of the hall or the you know the big room. So I'm gonna be standing when they stand up and do a thing, I'm gonna be on this side. So you have to, as you come in, you have to sit on the right, my right or your right, right from the front or right from the back. And there's that panic, isn't there? Whatever it is, the nativity play, the award ceremony, the the certificate evening. Are you gonna get the right, are they gonna the relief when they see you, when your child sees you and you see them, it's all okay. We made it, we're on time, we didn't get the day wrong, we didn't get the time wrong. They know that there's somebody here for them. Parent stress.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Okay, so we should also say that this episode, like every episode in the Faith in Parents podcast, is not just about how loudly do you clap, how proud do you feel, uh, or which row you need to sit in, or how many awards will your child win, but how do we see achievement and progress and failure through the eyes of the gospel? Uh, how does Jesus Christ change how we parent our children at the end of another year, at the end of another set of grades, and at the end of the disappointment? Or let's not assume all the parents watching this are looking at failure down the barrel. No, but how do we even win?

SPEAKER_03 4:27

How do we even cope with success? All of the complexities of life.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Do you have any stories to tell, Amy, of your child coming top of the class? I'm not sure I've got any.

SPEAKER_03 4:36

Um, oh yeah. No, no, like success at like doing things. And normally your children, I find, well, in my case, my children are good at things that I am not good at. So I don't feel prepared as prepared to help them handle.

SPEAKER_02 4:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:50

You know, my I have sportingly capable children.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:54

That's then like I'm almost embarrassed. Like, you know, we've heard the football story before when I have to go and sit in the car because I'm too stressed, because my son has made the opposition goalie cry with his goals.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

It's I think it might be in my top five stories ever that during a football match you were stood by the opposition goalkeeper.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Oh, poor line past your care while the match. Is that right? The match was still heavy.

SPEAKER_03 5:22

It's still going on. The goalie was so they were losing like nine-nil or something. The goalie was crying and like getting closer and closer to his goalpost, like as if just trying to like not be there. My son is galloping up the field again with a football.

SPEAKER_04 5:38

I'm like, no, no, don't do it again, swim the poor lad.

SPEAKER_03 5:42

Which I know is not what football is about. Like, I just can't do it.

SPEAKER_04 5:46

So I just I just need to go. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Do you think this is Harry Kane's mum? Do you think she ever said you can't have more than three dogs?

SPEAKER_03 5:58

No, it's ridiculous, but I'm just I can't do compet competition very well.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Right, Amy, can you tell me then?

SPEAKER_03 6:04

We have Christians in sport for that. Hooray.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

We do. Can you just quickly tell me, Amy, proudest moment, biggest trophy? What no, what is the Smiths? For me personally, no, no, I'm not interested in your achievements, Amy. What is the Smith family, like what what is that moment of winning?

SPEAKER_03 6:18

Oh, I I did feel a huge sense of pride when um one of my sons won the Christian Values Award in school.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 6:28

So it was a little trophy, and it was the end of primary school, and it was like, who has shown the most kindness and compassion? And so I was like, Yes, this is this is totally this is what this is what we live for.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

Great.

SPEAKER_03 6:43

Living and and then I realized that when everyone else was getting achievement in maths and excellence in sport and excellence in English and like all the academic subjects that I thought, oh, it did feel a little bit like this was the consolation prize for not really being good at anything but being quite nice.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 7:01

But that's okay. Ed, what about you?

SPEAKER_00 7:04

Uh I think the ones that we talk about the most in our family is is is either the the awards that your child hasn't yet got one, they've they've rummaged around the bottom of the box. So my family are famously completely without musical gifting. So if when we're and confirmed. Yeah, when we're in a row in church, enthusiasm for singing, 10 out of 10. Right, nobility, none of us can hold a tune. So when my daughter came home with the musician of the year award, we knew this wasn't like an administrative error. This was purely she hasn't won something, what trophy can we give her? And and I think probably it took us a year or two before we could laugh at her and explain that this really wasn't the the turning point in her life, and from here on she could become a famous musician. That she had to know this probably was can every child be awarded something at the end of year six and this was hers. And and the real awkwardness was our worship pastor's child was in her class, who honestly is wall-to-wall gifted, and she didn't win it. And because we love their family so much, we they were able to laugh and not feel angry that they had been robbed.

SPEAKER_03 8:30

So, Ed, why does this matter? Why is this interesting? Why are we talking about it? What has this got to do? Like, why are you talking are you just here as a dad to get some of these things off your chest? Or do you think this is significant? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

More than most episodes, Amy, I think there's a lot of humour to be had. Okay. Uh I think that the reason why this is a conversation worth having, not just for the laughs, is because at the end of the year we're pretty tired. Our children are pretty tired. And firstly, some things could become massive.

SPEAKER_05 9:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Like your child is in one big race on sports day, and they don't just come last, they come last by 50 meters. So, and they care. Uh, I think also, as usual with parenting, we're not just talking about how do we get the child over that, yeah, but also maybe in the sports day or the prize giving or the report, we actually discover as a parent we care far more about something or other, or we think everyone cares as much. So, Amy, we just had a chat. You when you receive your child's report, yeah, what do you notice?

SPEAKER_03 9:50

I go straight to the effort column.

SPEAKER_00 9:52

Okay, and I go straight to the achievement column, which I don't think surprises anyone.

SPEAKER_03 9:57

Uh uh If you get an A for effort but D for performance, I'm still happy.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Exactly. Whereas if you get that for me is a disaster and I need an A for what are the categories? A for performance. They need to they need to strive and achieve. So this is helpful, Amy, because you and I are gonna bring the gospel to bear on one another's heart in this episode, and I can't wait for that. Now, we're gonna we're not gonna go in deep now, Amy. Okay. Now, I first of all want to say I have researched this and I'm fascinated by it. So I can give you a brief history on the world of what do we congratulate our children for and what works. So great, off you go.

SPEAKER_03 10:40

Okay, if our head starts to roll, that's when you know we've had enough. But okay, I'm I'm here for it. Go on stat me.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

I'm starting uh with the self-esteem culture that teachers in schools tell me is probably now at least 10 to 15 years old, and it's gone and it's been sort of discredited. So that was the culture of every child needs to win an award, and participation is everything. So this was the era in primary schools where everyone got a certificate at the end of sports day.

SPEAKER_03 11:12

Oh, everyone got a medal. Everyone got a medal. Got a medal as you ran over the line.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

Exactly. So the the thinking then was uh everyone has to be a winner, everyone has to succeed, no one actually got a medal for winning. Uh instead, everyone got a medal.

SPEAKER_03 11:29

Yeah, the medal for being first and last looked the same.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

And the thinking was this is vital for our children's self-esteem. That without a medal, they'll somehow be crushed. Now, what we've now discovered is children do not benefit from being told they're all winners. Who knew? It now sounds so obvious when I say it. So if we give everyone a medal, children have understood.

SPEAKER_03 11:52

This is now meaningless.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

Is meaningless. I've not done anything. And the kid who actually wins also gets robbed of well done, that's good. You've got a gift at this. Keep going, keep striving, keep trying hard.

SPEAKER_03 12:04

And as the parent who has kids with very different abilities, yeah, I have the child for whom sports day is the one time of the year when they shine, and the child for whom sports day is the time of the year when we would like to be ill because it's when I come last at everything.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

Okay, Amy, so look, you're gonna have to tell us more about this. Okay. Okay. So give us how does the gospel speak to each of those two children? So let's first of all, the child who wins everything, Christian parentess.

SPEAKER_03 12:36

Well, that's the one I found the hardest with my non-competitive mindset. So the whole thing of I have to tell myself and I have to help my child see this is an ability that God has given you, and that you're using it for good. So you are gonna run and you are gonna try your best and you are gonna win and do well, um, but you are not gonna use this ability to crush others. So it's great, and it's great that you delight, and it's great that you you are able to use this gift that you have, but you don't then get to look down on someone else as being slow, rubbish, or less than you because they couldn't do it. So, in the same way that I then say to my academically capable child, the rest of the time, like the other people are thick and rubbish and beneath you because you're cleverer than them, that's not how that's not how we approach this. We we are given gifts and abilities, we use them, we use them well and we uh recognise and support and love others who God has gifted differently.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

Okay, so we're we're into a world now of we are valuable because God has created us. He decides, he looks over everything he has created, and he sees the beauty, he sees the uniqueness, he sees the gifting, and we can do the same thing.

SPEAKER_03 14:03

So I found it much easier to have the conversation with the child who was struggling on sports day, okay, but that you know has a physical disability and cannot run and as well as everyone else and is gonna find it really hard. Okay, that you know, I can I see in you a determination, can I see that God has gifted you? Can I see that yes, there are challenges, but you're overcoming them? Like this is amazing. But then for the child that's like have a good time, go out there and go for it, and like woohoo!

SPEAKER_00 14:35

Okay, so Amy, uh the child who becomes a proper last on school sports day and uh and arguably from the first few seconds of the race is not even in the race.

SPEAKER_05 14:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

There's just simply the bigger issue of could they even get to the finish line?

SPEAKER_05 14:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Now that is not the culture on you, it's not the culture of sport.

SPEAKER_05 15:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

You know, i i i in the normal world of sport, you're competing.

SPEAKER_05 15:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Now, if you want to go on a fun run, it's participation. But a school sports day or just a race. So so how how what's the conversation before and after then?

SPEAKER_03 15:16

But so you see how in the world of faith and the gospel, yeah, your value is determined and set before you've turned up to the start line.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 15:24

So whether I come first or last at the end, yeah, God's opinion of me, God's delight in me, my value as a human being has not changed. So that is the comfort to the outstanding athlete who has an off day. And it's the same comfort for the for the person who is limited. So I think the gospel that I find harder to apply is that when you s when when you get to the finish line and you've won, which you know, we're seeing this so much in the World Cup at the moment, and in all these, you know, these moments of celebration, like to God be the glory, and that I've scored a goal, and that's because of the way he's made me. Like, I'm finding this refreshing because I'm like, oh, okay, you can do it there as well.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

The incredible world of Christians who are footballers. I know it's never been so good. Ebreccheese, my goodness, he's he's speaking well of what it is to be raised in a Christian home.

SPEAKER_05 16:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

Great job, Eberetche. So, Amy, hang on. So, we're what we've got to is we've understood. We arrive at the start line, we open up the report from our school, and the starting point is before we've read anything, before we've got a bead of sweat, we've clarified the value does not come in the grade or the performance or the finish point. We start and finish as deeply loved children of God. That's what it is to be a Christian. Your value is determined.

SPEAKER_02 16:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

Okay. So, uh, Amy, then just to check, why bother trying?

SPEAKER_03 16:54

Now, so this is the difference between you and me. Yeah. So I have to talk myself up.

SPEAKER_04 16:59

So I have to, I'm secure in Christ, I'm loved in him, nothing else matters.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

Right.

SPEAKER_04 17:04

Let's not even, let's not go there.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

Let's not even, let's not even be in a race. No. Why bother running?

SPEAKER_03 17:11

Exactly. So, um, so that's not your struggle. No. So I I have to talk my, I have to remember that it does matter how we live and what we do and how we spend our time and how we use the gifts that God has given us and how we perform and how other people see us responding and doing things. Like I don't bring glory to God sitting on my sofa relaxing. Okay. So I have to get out there and show what a difference it makes to know God and love him. Whereas I think for you, I have to pull you back from.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Yes. Okay, so this is helpful. So when I'm talking to my children about why it is worth preparing for an end-of-year test, I am saying.

SPEAKER_04 17:53

Because your life will be ruined if you don't do it properly.

SPEAKER_00 17:56

Amy, sincere face. That's generally what you're saying. I am holding back from saying you need to get an A or it's pointless. You need to get an A or your life is ruined. You're a deep disappointment to me. Which, let's be clear, is not true, but that is what I'm fighting. Instead, we are saying we work as if for the Lord.

SPEAKER_05 18:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

We choose to work hard because we have a king on the throne who is watching and he cares and he smiles. He smiles at our effort. He wants us to give it our best. And particularly, I'd say, if we're dealing with a gifting. I I think I if we're dealing with the way Jesus has gifted us, if we have a particularly bright child, we want to say he has gifted you for this. And then we we are gonna thank him and praise him for the way he's made us by giving it our all and preparing properly. If he's not gifted us for it, you know, if we have two left feet or can't hold a tune, participation is a thing. You know, I I sing in church because it makes Jesus smile, not because I'm so out of tune, but because he knows I'm worshipping him with my whole heart. So if it's not our gifting, we can participate. We are not crushed to be the worst in the room.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

I'm gonna give you your other favourite story.

SPEAKER_00 19:18

Thanks, Amy.

SPEAKER_03 19:18

So you like the football story, but you also love uh my my son who has cerebral palsy who struggles and did struggle a lot more when he was younger. Uh wanted to know how to skip. So ever there was a phase in the school playground where people were skipping and he could not skip. So control of his right leg and getting off the ground was a difficult thing. So I had two options. You don't need to skip. Skipping is a rubbish thing. The Lord delights in you even if you can't skip. Or you want to learn to skip, we're gonna learn to skip. So he decided to learn to skip, he practiced. We needed bigger, grassy area. We went out for the day to a large field and he spent hours up and down trying to work out how to skip. Do it again, show me again, show me how that and like if you've not just known how to do it, to break it down and you do this little hop and then hours up and down the field. He worked it out. He worked so hard that you're like in that moment of struggle and determination, does God delight in that? There's a limitation, I'm gonna try and perseverance, I'm going for something. Of course, he does. Is that a moment that's just like wow, good on you? And in the same way, I'd I'm gonna try so hard and I'm gonna run because I'm gonna try not to come last because I want to get better at this.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

We do it for Jesus.

SPEAKER_03 20:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:45

We go all out, yeah. Amy, research alert, sorry, we interrupted.

SPEAKER_03 20:51

We've done so we've thrown it in the room.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

It's not an interruption, it's a journey we're on.

SPEAKER_03 20:55

Okay, we've thrown in the bin the um call-esteem culture. Next.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

Okay, we don't just congratulate everyone equally for simply turning up and having a go. Okay, nor do we praise a child, blanket praise for a child. So you're so smart, you're so beautiful, you're so fast. This is not helpful praise because what a child hears, research has shown, is that it becomes in their mind an entirely black and white issue. Like I am a beautiful child, they are an ugly child. I am a fast child, they are a slow child. And in other words, there's no sense there of I can attempt a harder thing. It just be and and they are Oh, it's all static. It's all static. They can't imagine the smart kid can't imagine ever bothering to turn up at sports day because I'm no good at it, I'm not praised for it, I won't do it. Okay, so you could or even I'm smart.

SPEAKER_03 22:00

Now for my age, but I have to keep learning.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

Yes. And for instance, it also means when you come across a challenge in smart world and you can't do it, you crumble.

SPEAKER_03 22:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Because I've thought I was a smart kid. Now I can't do it. Who am I? Where is my identity? Where is my value? So, first of all, we don't just make blanket statements. Uh it's quite brutal. You can do what you like. Okay, okay, right. Next one. Now, this is the one that matters.

SPEAKER_04 22:29

Everything else just delete.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:33

So the keep going because this part of the podcast is really important.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

So research has found, Amy, that what you have just done is the one that works. Ooh. Okay. So if your child has tried hard to do something that was difficult, you are praising them for pushing through despite failure. Okay. So what that creates in a child is that resilience. Now there's clearly a Christian aspect to this. So as your child is learning to skip and it is extremely difficult, you're what you're saying is you're using your body for Jesus. Okay. He is delighted you're trying. And in a broken world, you're going to fail, you're going to fall over, and your body is not the final body you're going to one day have. So it is difficult and it is hard and it's not your natural gift. But you have pressed through. So I got a message from a dad at the cricket club this week that blew me away. So this dad said, Uh my son took a step up and made it into the A team for the first time. He arrived nervous. This lovely dad had said you're going to open the bowling. And my son was like, No, I'm not. I've not played in this team before. I'm totally intimidated, and there's no way I can pitch up and bowl first. And the dad, incredibly, had done his research and said, No, I've looked at how you bowled last week in the B's. It went really well. You're good to go. You can do this. And so, first of all, that dad said, You can do this.

SPEAKER_03 24:10

Not just because of my confident enthusiasm, because of actual information that I know.

SPEAKER_00 24:15

Yeah, and I want to encourage you to have a go, even though you're nervous. He then did it. Now, this story has a happy ending. It went really well. It went really well. He bowled really well. So he got to say well done. But he also took the time to say, Do you see you attempted something you thought you couldn't do? And it went well. If you hadn't attempted it, you never would have found that out. So well done for being brave.

SPEAKER_03 24:41

Smart coaching.

SPEAKER_00 24:43

I got all this in a message, and I I couldn't believe it. And he taught I wasn't there. He taught me through this. And and this is the message I get to sit down with my son and say, you did something you didn't think you could do. It went well. Next time you're faced with difficulty, you can have a go. You also have to say, and if it hadn't gone well, it would have been all right.

SPEAKER_03 25:06

Yeah, but also you can have a go. Not at anything, paragliding, never done it before. But you know, like there's there's a this this is not just a woo over positivity. I can I can take on the world. You know, I have skills and I can apply them. Ed, that reminds me of um somebody else I know. So I'm gonna take you back, because this is the end of term party.

SPEAKER_02 25:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 25:27

I'm going to take you back about 19 years. Wow. Um, might might even be longer than that, you know. Um, to a phone call where you asked me to come and speak and do the kids talk on the first night, having never worked with me before. Wow, Amy. And you said, Amy, I'd like you to do the kids' talk on the first night at the conference we were doing.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

Yeah, for 350 kids. Yeah. And it was the biggest, that was the biggest thing I had ever done at that point.

SPEAKER_03 25:52

Yeah. And I said to you, Yeah, that is a big risk. Like you have never seen me do anything before. I might not do the do it the way that you would do it.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:04

And you said, I know enough about you, and I've checked you out, and I don't want you to do it the way I would do it. I want you to do it the way you would do it. So if I wait till Wednesday, you'll change how you do it. Off you go. Smart coaching, Ed.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

I kind of want to say, Amy, thank you for telling this story in public. And that's got a happy ending as well.

SPEAKER_03 26:21

Smart coaching.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

Okay. So what research has found, and I honestly want to say this is Jesus too. What research has found is it's the struggle, the journey, and the challenge that we're searching to walk our children through. Because this builds resilience, it builds courage. Because Christians can be risk takers. We have the king on the throne, he has got this. Our value is already fixed. He will not love you less if we come in last, and he will not love you more if you come in first. But he smiles, he's got this, and we work hard for him. Let's go. Fall on your face, up we go, is fine. Well done for attempting it. You come first, who knew? It's for Jesus' glory, and don't you dare make fun of the other kids.

SPEAKER_03 27:13

Okay, so smart coach our kids.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 27:17

How do you hard question, Ed. How do you smart coach your own heart when you're going straight for the achievements column?

SPEAKER_00 27:26

And this is the moment, the biggest lesson I learned was actually opening the Bible um with a young man in a coffee shop. And I remember uh we were looking through a psalm and he looked at me and he said, Ed, my dad is disappointed with me. And I know his dad and I knew this kid well. And I just what do you mean? He said, I think my I think I'm a disappointment to my dad. Now I love his dad. I what I'm not doing is disagreeing with what this lad was saying, but I did think his dad would be absolutely broken to hear that. And I think what that particularly taught me was our children know what we are thinking even if we don't say it out loud. Yeah, and I think this this thing about achievement and grades and winning you're a big one, Amy, for control your face.

SPEAKER_04 28:32

I was just it's probably because it's one of my hardest challenges.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

Okay, so your face everything is happening. Okay, I you everyone can read your face like a book.

SPEAKER_05 28:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:42

Our children certainly, what whether our face is as communicative as yours or not, our children read read us like a book. So whether we say, well done, this is a good report or not, they know are we pleased or disappointed? And this young lad was really saying it doesn't matter what grade comes through, it doesn't matter what race I run, I am a disappointment. I never quite meet the standards my dad sets. And the reason that I you know, I I think we can overthink. Sorry, I I kind of want to think more about this, Ron, just move on. Which is it's not just come on, parents, get your game face on, convince our kids that they're doing all right. This is the gospel. The gospel says our children are not defined by a grade. So you know, you might be all used to A's and your child has come home with a C, or you might be all used to winning in football and your child isn't even picked for the team. There's just a moment of you asking yourself Where has this rage come from?

SPEAKER_03 29:54

What does this reveal about me?

SPEAKER_01 29:56

I mean, uh the dis What am I supposed to be learning? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:00

The discovery that I cared more about the under eights football team than I cared about the Olympics was a key moment in my parenting of why does this matter this much?

SPEAKER_03 30:10

Yeah, what what is this fixing in me?

SPEAKER_00 30:12

Yeah. To ask ourselves a question, what gives our children value?

SPEAKER_03 30:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:18

And where does our love for our children come from? Now, look, Christians in sport, you've mentioned them. They are brilliant at this. I I'm I am a bit sporty. I if you don't mind me saying you're not not at all sporty.

SPEAKER_04 30:30

No, I like to do non-competitive outdoor things where nobody notices what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

So Christians in sport, they they only deal with super sporty families. And what they're so good at is saying if you're a super sporty family, as a parent, you probably care a lot about your kid's sport. And if your kid is super sporty, they care a lot. So the the solution is not, oh, who cares? It's just a game of football. We're just kicking a ball around a pitch. No, no sporty family is thinking that. But the great insight I got from them is sport is mostly about losing. Almost no one wins a gold medal at the Olympics.

SPEAKER_03 31:13

Yeah. Or yeah, and it's about that mindset of like, how am I gonna get slightly better? What trading am I gonna do? What like so the moment that we watch of the game and the celebration, the goal and the win, we all think, oh, I'd quite like that. I'd like the medal, I'd like the thing. Let me just show you what it takes to get it. Oh no, thanks, I'm out.

SPEAKER_00 31:29

Okay. So, you know, if sport fundamentally is like 95% losing, then what is it you say in the car on the way home after the next loss? Because if you're only gonna continue playing sport or wanting to get really high performance sports people in your family, you know, you're gonna have to fundamentally be about, are we gonna get up? And are we the Christian version is clearly what does Jesus think of you right now?

SPEAKER_03 31:58

Okay, I want to stretch this because I think in the moment of sports day, awards day, football games, tournament things, we're possibly a bit switched on to this in our thinking. So we're probably thinking, oh, I need to get this right, and I need to watch how I respond, and I need to think about my face and my reactions, and I need to be nice to other people, partly because other people are watching me too. So even if my heart isn't right, I still want to look like I'm a nice person who's got the right goals for my kids. But then the rest of the year and the rest of the time, our kids are watching. So they're watching the things that make us delight and smile and put down our phone and listen, or they're watching the things that we tell our friends about. Oh, they did this amazing thing. Our kids pick up from us, from our facial expressions, from the things that we say, what matters, what we think they're good at, what we value in them. So we just need to be aware what we're saying, why we're saying it, and what our kids are picking up. Not just on sports day.

SPEAKER_00 33:01

Amy, do you want to talk more about that? Or do you want to take us into a passage in Mark that you've recently looked at?

SPEAKER_03 33:06

I think there is a moment that um Mark's Gospel. So we've written some amazing resources in Mark's Gospel. They're a great starter for 10.

SPEAKER_02 33:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:16

Accessible, simple, uh, taking you through who Jesus is and what he does.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 33:22

So Jesus is here, is our first section, the first half of Mark. Jesus arrives on the scene, and then the second section of Mark's Gospel, we go through uh Jesus saves what he came to do. Now, what I love, geek moment, Bible geek moment, Mark's gospel opens with Jesus arriving and his baptism. So there's a great thing that you love of like, imagine you have a load of tins of baked beans.

SPEAKER_02 33:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:50

So all of the people lined up along the edge of the river, they're to be baptized by Groovy John the Baptist, because we all want to live as Christians and we all want, no, we all want to go God's way. Right. We realise we've got a problem. So they go and they get dunked under the water by John. I've just lost where the baked beans are, Amy. So it's the people are like tins of beans.

SPEAKER_00 34:10

Oh, I see.

SPEAKER_03 34:10

They're all the same.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

Okay, they're lined up on the bank of the river, Jordan.

SPEAKER_03 34:15

So person, human being, in my tin of beans, number one, dunk, out he goes on the side. Next one, John the Baptist, John the Baptist, doing the dunking under the water, out we go. All these human beings are like the same because they're human beings, and they're saying we want to go God's way.

SPEAKER_00 34:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 34:35

Along the riverbank, trotting down, comes what looks on the outside like a normal human being.

SPEAKER_00 34:41

Right.

SPEAKER_03 34:41

It's a normal tin of beans. But when this tin of bean goes in the water, the heavens open. Yes, God's spirit descends. Yeah. As a dove. What does that mean? Yes. And a voice says, Yes, this is my son whom I love. I am well pleased with him. Okay. Meanwhile, that's the curtain opener for Jesus is here.

SPEAKER_00 35:06

And everyone realizes this is not just a normal tin of beans.

SPEAKER_03 35:10

This is this is the son of God.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

This is the son of God.

SPEAKER_03 35:12

Well pleasing to God. Okay. Okay. Meanwhile, fast forward, Jesus does stuff, Jesus does stuff. The second half of Mark's gospel opens as Jesus is on his way to the cross.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 35:24

Up he goes up the mountain.

SPEAKER_00 35:26

Of transfiguration. Of transfiguration.

SPEAKER_03 35:29

There we go.

SPEAKER_00 35:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:30

Up there, up in the air, shining. This is my son.

SPEAKER_00 35:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:37

Listen to him.

SPEAKER_00 35:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 35:39

God delights in Jesus.

SPEAKER_00 35:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 35:42

All the time.

SPEAKER_00 35:44

This is my son with whom I am well pleased.

SPEAKER_03 35:47

Yeah. We get to learn who Jesus is. We get to learn his identity. We get to learn his fixed identity as the one in whom God delights, the one who gets it right.

SPEAKER_00 35:57

The identity of Jesus is the Son of God in whom God constantly delights.

SPEAKER_03 36:05

So we then go, Oh, that's not my story.

SPEAKER_00 36:08

Because we're not the son of God.

SPEAKER_03 36:09

We're not the son of God. I'm just the ordinary human being who keeps stuffing up.

SPEAKER_00 36:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 36:14

So I can't possibly be the one about whom God would announce this is my daughter. Yeah. I delight in her. Oh, yes, he does. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:23

Because of Jesus, because I'm forgiven, because I'm in his family, because he has lavished on us that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3, verse 1.

SPEAKER_03 36:34

Because Jesus is here and because Jesus is saved, that is my story. That is my identity. I am a child of God in whom he is well pleased. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 36:44

Nothing changes that.

SPEAKER_02 36:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 36:46

Not a D on my report card. Yeah. And not a last place. And not a not even a certificate in assembly.

SPEAKER_00 36:56

Not the fact that our child is the fifth crab in the end of year production who never moves from the back row.

SPEAKER_03 37:05

It's okay. We can live in this world where things, we're not good at stuff and where things go wrong because we have something that holds us securely all the time.

SPEAKER_00 37:13

Okay, but there's fixed identity. This is this is absolutely outstanding, Amy.

SPEAKER_03 37:17

The challenge that's- Well, wait, yes, because I am well pleased, because God is well pleased in me, I'm gonna that makes a difference. I'm gonna skip on up there, and if I'm the third crab from the left, I'm gonna be an amazing third crab from the left. If I'm in the egg and spoon race and I'm not very good at it, I'm not gonna cheat and put my thumb over the egg. I'm just gonna keep going back and picking it up and keep going back and picking it up because I am a daughter of the king showing you what it looks like to be loved by him.

SPEAKER_00 37:46

Okay, Amy. This is super helpful. We're now gonna do some quick fire case studies.

SPEAKER_05 37:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:54

So the challenge now is we are all clear of what happens on sports day, report gets opened, end of year production, car ride home. We're all clear.

SPEAKER_04 38:06

Facial expression.

SPEAKER_00 38:07

Exactly. We're all clear. We're also all clear what the Bible teaches about where our value comes from, okay, the delight the Lord shows in us, and failure we experience in the world. Okay? So, Amy, uh the child who first of all doesn't want to go into school and wants to take a sickey on sports day, because they know and you know that they are not gonna win. So for them, sports day is simply an exercise in predictable failure. What do we say to that child, Amy?

SPEAKER_03 38:44

I'm gonna be awkward and say there are there are you have options.

SPEAKER_00 38:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 38:49

If this is the first time this has happened, then yes, we have the conversation.

SPEAKER_00 38:54

Okay, give us that one first.

SPEAKER_03 38:56

Give us that one. Okay, this is the first time this has happened. You don't want to go because you what is gonna so we need to talk. What is gonna be hard about today? Yeah, what are you worried about?

SPEAKER_00 39:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 39:04

So we need to not just never mind.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 39:08

Don't be so pathetic, we're going to do it anyway.

SPEAKER_00 39:11

Right. Victorian dad.

SPEAKER_03 39:12

Yeah. So I would also say there's a bit of a difference between age. If we're sort of eight and up, yeah, I would love you to start to ask them.

SPEAKER_02 39:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:20

So please start to ask them, what do you know? What do you know to be true about who you are? Yeah, about what I think about you, about what God thinks about you. What could you say to yourself as you're at the start line? What could you say to yourself to encourage you to even get there? What could I pray for you? So how are you coming in as I'm the support rather than that, oh I want you to go. So we're trying to work, we're trying to get somewhere good together.

SPEAKER_02 39:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:46

And I'm trying to pull out of you what you already know.

SPEAKER_02 39:49

Great.

SPEAKER_03 39:50

If we're seven and under cuddles, we're doing cuddles. Right. And I'm telling you how much I love you, how brave I think you are, how hard I think I understand what you think about today, but you know what's going to make me delight in you is seeing you do the hard things, trusting God in this moment and doing what you can for his glory.

SPEAKER_02 40:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 40:17

So we're going to tell them the answer.

SPEAKER_02 40:18

Right.

SPEAKER_03 40:19

So we're going to tell them the answer if they're younger, and we're going to tell them what success looks like.

SPEAKER_00 40:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 40:23

And if they're older, we're going to try and pull it out of them. Like, what do they already know to be true?

SPEAKER_00 40:28

Okay, very quickly, Amy, give me the alternative that you're hinting at.

SPEAKER_03 40:32

I think if this is like sports day number seven. Sports day number seven.

SPEAKER_00 40:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 40:37

And they have tried and tried, and this is just so hard.

SPEAKER_00 40:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:41

I think there is a moment where I would like to give you the permission slip. You know your child.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:46

You know when this is just like, you know what, we're done. This is just cruelty. Or this is just this is too much to ask. We are, we're not going to go. We are going to do blankets on the sofa, and I'm going to do blankets on the sofa with you. Or I'm going to ring the school. I'm going to get in trouble for saying this now, Ed. I'm going to ring the school and say they won't be there today because they have an appointment.

SPEAKER_00 41:07

Amy, you can't lie. What's the appointment you're going to make?

SPEAKER_03 41:10

I've made the appointment with um a good friend from church at the farm shop.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 41:16

And I would be brave enough to actually tell the school they're broken by this, that if we're finding it hard, I've made an appointment. I mean, I have I have, this has been me. We're going for an appointment with our bastard's wife at the cut at the farm shop because I can't do it to him again.

SPEAKER_00 41:31

Thanks, Amy. I I can feel I can feel people cheering as they listen or watch this, and I'm not going to argue.

SPEAKER_04 41:38

Or audible intakes and breaths.

SPEAKER_00 41:40

Yes, that's right. I want to argue and I'm choosing not to.

SPEAKER_04 41:43

She said that for real?

SPEAKER_00 41:45

She did. Amy, next case study.

SPEAKER_03 41:47

Great. I'm going to be less trouble in this one, I'm really hoping.

SPEAKER_00 41:50

Okay. Uh your child gets three awards on prize day. They get top of the class for maths, English, and physics or whatever the prize might be. What is the conversation before bed that night?

SPEAKER_04 42:08

Spider-Man.

SPEAKER_03 42:10

Great power comes great responsibility.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 42:14

That's that's it. You've been given the great abilities. By God, how are you gonna use this? How are you gonna guard against being proud? How are you like you've you've gotta go there?

unknown 42:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 42:26

Would you? Uh yeah. I want to work out, I want my child to thank God for five things that night before bed.

SPEAKER_05 42:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 42:34

Uh and I want my child to understand that as we've discussed, I want to congratulate my child on where I have seen struggle and effort and courage and say, Well done. But I do not want the child to believe they are smart enough to have earned this gifting.

SPEAKER_03 42:59

Okay, if I was going somewhere in the Bible to say, ooh, I wouldn't do that night because that would be too crushing. I will be looking in the next couple of days. I would be trying to I would be going Pharisee tax collector.

SPEAKER_00 43:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 43:10

And be trying to say, what can you see happening here?

unknown 43:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 43:13

Anywhere you would go?

SPEAKER_00 43:15

Oh, Amy, I I I love Psalm 139. You know, God has knit us together in our mother's womb. And I I I now have this I have this weird thing in my head.

SPEAKER_04 43:27

Oh, about jumpers. I knew you were gonna say this.

SPEAKER_00 43:29

It's either jumpers or it's snooker balls.

SPEAKER_04 43:32

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 43:33

Yeah. The other one I think of is like God gives all of us six snooker balls of gifting.

unknown 43:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 43:40

So you can imagine a snooker ball that says on it, brilliant of maths.

SPEAKER_03 43:43

Are there six snooker balls in a snooker stuff?

SPEAKER_00 43:45

I reckon every I reckon no, there's a lot more, but everyone's been given six. That's my point.

SPEAKER_03 43:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 43:49

No one out there has been given none by God. Everyone all of our children have been given six snooker balls of gifting.

unknown 43:58

But that might

SPEAKER_03 44:00

Florestry. Yeah, no, that's not a joke. I'm just saying, our education system is very narrow.

SPEAKER_00 44:07

I see what you mean.

SPEAKER_03 44:08

So that so you might be thinking, people are now doing that. My kid's not got sick.

SPEAKER_00 44:12

Oh, yeah, no, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, God has given out a snooker ball that says on it, floristry.

SPEAKER_05 44:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:19

We were laughing, in fact, Amy. I'm going to reveal something. Okay. Your daughter has a far better handle on clothes I should wear than I do. She does. So your daughter may be very young, but she instantly knows clothes I should not be wearing and clothes I should be wearing. And she tells me, and I'm amazed and baffled and confused. How does she know? Your daughter has a snooker ball that I do not have that says on it, what are we calling this? It's not quite fashion.

SPEAKER_04 44:48

I just think appropriate appearance.

SPEAKER_00 44:50

Appropriate appearance.

SPEAKER_03 44:52

Don't you?

SPEAKER_01 44:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:53

Which is endearing but can sometimes be very infuriating. Yeah. Do not understand that you can't wear a tartan shirt and patterned Bermuda short together.

SPEAKER_01 45:03

Just in the last month, someone walked up to me and a friend. The first thing they said is, Ed, you look horrendous. And I said, What do you mean? He said, Ed, you're wearing on a highly patterned pair of shorts and a and a tartan shirt. And a tartan shirt and scratch.

SPEAKER_03 45:19

And a football and a football shirt underneath. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:22

And I looked down and I was like, oh. And he had to explain it to me. And I looked awful.

SPEAKER_03 45:28

Your daughter would is making you photo cue cards of how to dress.

SPEAKER_00 45:33

She is. Okay. Amy, I don't know where we've got to. I was on about snooker balls of gifting. You've got six. I'm just sorry. My point is only, I'm really sorry if everyone's just lost. My point is, God has been so kind and has given us snooker balls of gifting. Don't say that to your children. But we all have them. As parents, one job we've got to do is can you spot what gifting our children have got? I shouldn't have ever mentioned snookaballs, should I? I just I just find it helpful.

SPEAKER_01 46:01

It's like a physical object God gives us. I find it helpful the idea of look, here are your six. So and you're gonna break.

SPEAKER_00 46:12

I'm really sorry.

SPEAKER_04 46:13

Put them in the right pocket is out of how far this illustration stretch.

SPEAKER_00 46:17

Play this three times and it will make sense at the end. So my only point is peanuts, are we as a parent, we have spotted our children's gifting and we get to sit with our children and thank God for the gifting they've been given. But our children have tried. I'm gonna stop, Amy. I feel like is it the end of the episode, Amy?

SPEAKER_04 46:36

The emotional plane.

SPEAKER_00 46:38

Okay, come on. Quick last case study for you, Amy. Okay, last case study. Uh you get home, you open up your rapport, or the end of the prize giving, your kids come bottom totally bottom of the class. There's no way to sugarcoat it. Your child is just totally bottomed out. Okay, Amy. To finish, give us a last conversation and don't mention snooker balls.

SPEAKER_03 47:04

Okay. Uh there's the there's the encouragement of the gospel that on our on our worst days, on our best days, we are loved. Um, there's the challenge of do you think that you did your best work? Um, and there's the the upward traject trajectory of what do we do now? What comes next? And I think that's the thing that as a parent I know I struggle to do. You're in that moment of like, how have we got here? Like, what have we done wrong? And you know, let's, you know, you start like that's where all the mum guilt stuff comes in. Like, what have we done wrong as parents that this is where we've arrived at? You've also got to work out what does next look like? How do we pick up the pieces? How do we go again? What are we gonna do differently? What are we gonna learn? How are we gonna support one another? What is there to say to ourselves and what is there to pray?

SPEAKER_00 47:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:55

Because we are gonna go again.

SPEAKER_00 47:57

Yeah. Uh Amy, we're coming to the end of the year. We may we we may be in the debris after the end of the year. Uh could you just give us one thought that we could look to be giving our children uh i in this state of exhaustion and tiredness?

SPEAKER_03 48:17

I think um it's gonna sound cheesy and it's what we often do in like Sunday school lessons um and things like that to explain how Jesus righteousness is given to us. So you know the envelope that has your name on and has your performance inside it. So we all know that we have good days and we have our gifts and we have the things that we're good at, but we do also know that there are there are the times that we mess up. So if you imagined your report card had on it your successes and your failures, a summary of even the last week, the last year, of course, highs, lows, everything in between, things to be embarrassed about. You fold it up and you put it in the envelope, and that is this is who I am. I contain all of this. The glory of the gospel is that Jesus takes our report card on himself and gives us his perfect record. So when we open our envelope, it says inside what God says about Jesus. My son, my daughter, in whom I am well pleased. That's my report card for the end of the year. That's my report card for my parenting, even if I don't deserve it. And that's my report card that my children can have.

SPEAKER_00 49:36

And the challenge is how do we give that to our children for the 57th time in a way that they believe? So we say it sincerely because we believe this to be the case. As parents, we are reminding our children of what is true. Uh a mum recently said to me, How how can we start doing this if we haven't done this enough? She said, like, my kids and our teenagers don't want me to do this. They don't want me to suddenly go all Christian on them. And I did say to her, It's okay if your kids roll their eyes.

SPEAKER_05 50:16

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:17

It's okay if our kids say, Mum, this is what you always say.

SPEAKER_05 50:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:21

Because it happens to be true. So as parents, we get to determine we want to be boring about the things that are true. We want to be boring about the things that are good. And if our children we it's okay to not say anything. There is a time, just give them a great big hug and take them for an ice cream and don't have a big intense conversation. But when you get to the s the moment and you still say the thing that is true they've heard a million times before, if you believe it and you're gonna pray it for them, then it's worth saying again. And it's okay if they're fed up.

SPEAKER_03 50:55

I was once a teenager who did more than roll my eyes at the things that my mum said and the truth that she wanted to repeat and oh, for goodness sake, not this again. I said those things, but I didn't really think those things. What what our teenagers say and what their internal need is don't always match up.

SPEAKER_00 51:14

Great, Amy. Amy, will you pray for us as we get to the end of the year?

SPEAKER_03 51:18

Yeah. Father, we do uh we do ask for your help. Uh we do ask for your help uh to remind us of what we know to be true, to remind us of our identity as your loved children. Uh Father, we pray that as parents we would know and feel that, that we wouldn't feel crushed by um overanalysing the things that we have done or the things that our children are doing, but we would find our security in you and we would offer that truth that um is such a such a balm to our own hearts, to our kids too. We pray for your help, we pray for your wisdom, and we pray uh for an ability to enjoy and to point to you in all of the end-of-term shenanigans. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 52:01

Please join us on the next podcast when predictably, if this is all about the end of one school year, then the next podcast is all about summer holidays. If you're watching this in Australia or South America or Indonesia, you've still got a big holiday. Then you need to be watching these episodes around Christmas time. Amy, just quickly tell us about this second series in Mark's Gospel that we've just released. Where do we find it and what is it?

SPEAKER_03 52:25

Um so it's Jesus Saves. It's um a set of uh seven Sunday school lessons. So there's 13 in total, six in the first part, seven in the second. They're ideal for running in um a church. Uh perhaps if you're new to kids' ministry, uh, they're accessible, simple in language. You could run part one and have a little break, and then you could come back and do part two later, or you could take it all on and go, bang! This is what we're gonna do for the next whole 13 weeks. Ed, there is take-home stuff to help parents join in the conversation. There is gonna be Faith in Families podcast episodes to help the family talk together. So much happening. Games, crafts, all age talks, activities for age groups. It's amazing. Um, I actually have really loved this series. It's been really good fun.

SPEAKER_00 53:14

Back to Jesus.

SPEAKER_03 53:15

Jesus' good news.

SPEAKER_00 53:16

The old song for us all. Faithinkids.org. Correct. And you can also free to download. Amy, stop now. We've got to finish the episode. Thanks for joining us. See you next time. Bye bye.