S2 Ep4 - Finding Strength in Vulnerability: Kat Duggan's Story

Kat Duggan bravely steps into the spotlight, sharing her journey of healing from an abusive relationship, underscoring the power of vulnerability and the importance of professional help. Her story is one of courage and resilience, shedding light on manipulation, gaslighting, and trauma. Through her personal narrative, we are reminded of the silent battles many endure and the transformative strength found in breaking that silence. If you've ever questioned the dynamics of your own relationships or the shadows of past traumas, Kat’s insights provide a beacon of hope and understanding.

As we explore the nuances of relationships, we reflect on the red flags often overlooked in the haze of young love and the delicate dance between compromise and self-sacrifice. The conversation takes a profound turn as we delve into the shame and secrecy that can trap individuals in toxic cycles. Kat’s candid reflections on her journey to reclaim her identity and heal from trauma offer both a mirror and a roadmap for those navigating similar paths. Her experience with body dysmorphia and the healing power of therapy, particularly EMDR, exemplifies the transformative potential of professional support.

This episode is a poignant reminder of the wider impact of domestic violence, especially on children who witness it, and the critical importance of community support. We shine a light on the resources available, emphasizing organizations like Lifeline, Jenny's Place, and more, while encouraging listeners to seek help and build a supportive network. Kat’s story is not just a tale of survival but an inspiring call to action—urging listeners to prioritize self-care and reach out for the invaluable support these organizations provide. Join us in applauding her bravery and drawing strength from her journey, hoping it inspires others to take that courageous first step toward healing.

Check out our socials on Instagram and Facebook at LeaveALightOnPodcast, and connect with us there.

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Transcript

Speaker 2 0:15

Hello and welcome to Leave a Light On Podcast, a show that looks to tackle the everyday struggles in our everyday lives. It's time to shed some light on it. Leave a light on podcasts not a licensed mental health service. It shouldn't be substituted for professional advice or treatment. Things discussed in this podcast are general in nature and may be of a sensitive nature. If you're struggling, please seek professional help or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Speaker 3 0:48

Here's your hosts, shane and Shev. Hey, welcome to another episode of Leave a Lot On Podcast with one half, your host, shev, and alongside me, shane. A every week. Hey, shev Week in week out you're with me.

Speaker 4 0:58

You sounded like Woody Woodpecker, hey how are you doing there?

Speaker 3 1:01

Good, how good are they? Mick, you're a legend. He's got us these new mic stairs and it looks like, if you look at the cover, of Good Morning Vietnam.

Speaker 4 1:10

Oh, you're a shocker.

Speaker 3 1:12

All right, hey welcome. And the reason why. I'm trying to have a laugh this early on because, honestly, today is the day that this episode's going to be pretty heavy.

Speaker 4 1:24

Yeah, today's a big one. It's definitely it has been the most nervous I think I've ever been for a podcast that we've recorded.

Speaker 3 1:33

Yeah, you're lucky I'm here. Oh really, yeah. Yeah, I'm like the wheel on the unicycle. You know what I mean. Without me, we'd go nowhere in this episode. So I'll pull you through, boys.

Speaker 4 1:42

Oh, wait, wait, wait, let's, I'll pull you through.

Speaker 3 1:43

Boys, wait, wait wait, here we go. I'm looking for the button. That's what you get, anyway, without further ado, we've got a song. What do you?

Speaker 4 1:55

Well, let's preference today quickly by saying it's going to be a pretty intense one. So, anyone who is listening, I just want to give you a bit of warning. Obviously, we start every episode, uh, with laugh line um, yep, giving them a shout out to see if there's any extra um resources that you may need or if you may need help. You reach out to laugh line um. 13, 11, 14 is their number. Yep, um, so yeah, this one's going to be a big one. If anyone does have any um, what's the word I'm looking for?

Speaker 4 2:24

I want to say reactions, but that's not the word triggers yeah, if anything is triggered in you and based on this episode. Please, uh, please, please, please, reach out to lifeline, absolutely, um, and if you, yeah, if you, if you need any other help from them, that's 13, 11, 14, um and we'll definitely have at the end of this episode anyway, yeah, it'll be it'll be on the description. So so, without further ado. Today's guest. She is incredible. We've worked with her for a while now. Yes.

Speaker 4 2:48

And this is big for her. Let me just shout that out and we do obviously get into it when we talk to her now. But she really did put herself out there to kind of bring her story to the forefront for a lot of people, to inspire them.

Speaker 3 3:01

Yeah, yeah, I'm really proud of her.

Speaker 4 3:05

Yeah, I'm really proud of her. Yeah, I'm really proud of her. She did incredibly well and her bravery needs to be honored for that. So, without further ado, today's guest is the one and only… Catherine.

Speaker 3 3:14

Dollison, no, catherine Duggan, catherine Duggan, yeah, doll-eye.

Speaker 4 3:35

Cat, welcome to the podcast. Thank you for joining us today, so excited.

Speaker 3 3:39

Thanks, sabini, really appreciate your time yeah.

Speaker 4 3:41

I'm a little bit nervous, yeah, a little bit anxious you, and myself as well, really, yep, I'm a little bit nervous, yeah, a little bit anxious you and myself as well.

Speaker 3 3:47

Really, yep, I'm the Rock. I am the Rock. I'll keep you guys going. Thank, you.

Speaker 4 3:50

I wish you looked a little bit more like the Rock. It would be great.

Speaker 3 3:53

I do underneath this shirt. No, I'm telling you me on Dolly. This is awesome Give me 10 minutes and you'll be right.

Speaker 4 4:08

You had to get that in there, hey.

Speaker 3 4:09

Yeah, dolly, yeah, yeah, she'll always be down in Dolly yeah.

Speaker 4 4:13

Anyway, Kat, thank you for joining us, obviously. So I want to say excited, but I think I'm more relieved, if I can say that, because I feel like this is such a sensitive topic that we're going to be talking about and for two men who do this podcast, I think I am more excited in the fact that, or relieved in the fact that this is going to come from a real personal place for you.

Speaker 4 4:44

And talking before this, this is going to be the first time that you've shared this outside of a very, very close bunch of people.

Speaker 5 4:57

Yeah, it hasn't been shared much.

Speaker 4 4:59

So, yeah, I want to preference maybe starting this podcast just by saying that this is going to be an incredibly tough one to hear for some people, and I want to start by saying that if anyone is struggling in this particular area that we're going to get into, that there are a lot of resources, a lot of people or organizations that they can reach out to for help, which we will let them know. We'll let them know and obviously….

Speaker 3 5:31

In the bottom of our comments as well.

Speaker 4 5:33

The one that we obviously always refer to is Laugh Line, which we preference every episode by starting with, but I really encourage anyone who is struggling in this area or with this particular problem and that they do reach out and just gain a bit of perspective about gain a bit of information is what I'd like to. To call it, just to see how they can then, um, yeah, help get out of it. Whatever you want to call it, um, but just yeah, seek assistance yeah, sure, that's so before, yeah, before.

Speaker 5 6:04

I'm gonna ask you, cat, if you can just talk more into your microphone. Get out of it whatever you want to call it, but just seek assistance For sure. That's probably one of the biggest things.

Speaker 4 6:06

I'm going to ask you, kat, if you can just talk more into your microphone. For me it'd be great.

Speaker 2 6:09

Oh, sorry yeah, thank you.

Speaker 3 6:10

Trigger warning for anyone out there.

Speaker 4 6:13

Yeah, we do obviously start everyone with a trigger warning. But yeah, just anyone who is struggling, just please know this is going to be a good one in that aspect. Let's start off with something a little bit light-hearted. Yeah, Kat, we obviously work with you. Yes, crazy to think that you obviously have been in the mining industry for so long.

Speaker 5 6:34

Yes, 15 years. 15 years this year.

Speaker 4 6:36

Crazy.

Speaker 5 6:37

I was a baby when I started A baby.

Speaker 3 6:39

Just a baby, yeah, you haven't thrown the tail in yet After 15 years is beyond me.

Speaker 5 6:44

Oh look, there's been moments but, it's not too bad yeah.

Speaker 4 6:48

So anyone who doesn't know you, let's talk about who you are today. Who is Kat Duggan Donaldson, whatever?

Speaker 5 6:56

you want to call her Donaldson's the past.

Speaker 3 6:57

Donaldson's the past.

Speaker 4 6:58

We're going to go with Kat Catherine Amy Duggan I have your middle name now.

Speaker 5 7:03

Yes, that's my middle name you are going to be bugging on the two-way now. Have you not heard that on the two-way already? No, not. Amy I get it thrown out there a few times he doesn't listen to it.

Speaker 3 7:12

No well, that's true. I don't like talking to anyone on the two-way.

Speaker 4 7:16

Let's start off with who is Kat.

Speaker 5 7:19

Kat is 34-year-old mum of two, step-mum of one coal miner obviously yes, that's where we met.

Speaker 3 7:28

Oh Shev, I grew up with you. Yeah, I grew up. I was on the Sims Kindy.

Speaker 5 7:32

In my family life. Growing up, we had a very close-knit family. My parents are still together after 43 years this year, which is unreal.

Speaker 2 7:43

Yeah, we have to do this Especially having me as a daughter.

Speaker 5 7:47

That had to have been a lot. Yeah, in terms of my family, I always grew up in a household where affection was always shown, love was always shown, never any really difficult moments. I'm very reserved, would you say, when I first meet people, yeah. Like very protected Walls, go up, barriers, go up until I get to know someone and then I feel sorry for them because then it becomes A little bit easier. Yes.

Speaker 4 8:22

Anyone who does know you knows that you can talk the hard leg off a donkey.

Speaker 5 8:26

I can once.

Speaker 3 8:27

I know you. That's why I think I'll get a long say when were that? Because we both can talk the leg off a camp chair and Dolo's cool.

Speaker 5 8:33

Yeah, you, you sometimes need to actually talk less, obviously if you can't tell already, I do struggle to talk about myself. I'm not one that can really talk about myself comfortably.

Speaker 4 8:45

It's a really I think it's. It's a really hard thing to really like. It's a question that if you had to ask yourself, it's really hard to answer without either being vain, arrogant or yes or kind of you know you're putting yourself in a life that's not true.

Speaker 5 8:59

So it's always struggled with the tell us about yourself. Tell us five good things. Tell us anything.

Speaker 4 9:06

Like I've always struggled to really open up a lot yeah yeah, I mean we're going to peel that can right open today. Yeah, so that's going to be really awesome. I think. For me, I think a lot of people are going to learn. Well, actually, everyone's going to learn a lot about you.

Speaker 5 9:23

Yeah, it'll probably answer a lot of questions as to why I'm so shut off, why I do have this face that says don't talk to me which gets me in trouble a lot.

Speaker 4 9:33

The resting bitch face. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 5 9:40

I have had that said to me quite a lot, especially at work, because people when they start, they just I must just give this. Look like I don't want to talk, look like I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to know you. But that's definitely not who I am.

Speaker 1 9:48

So for anyone that I've done that to, I do apologize.

Speaker 5 9:50

I have had it raised a few times and I am trying to be better, but, yes, that does stem a lot from my past.

Speaker 4 9:58

Yes, yes. So like you said, growing up for you um was pretty, I want to say picturesque in the fact that obviously you've got loving parents, you grew up in a loving household.

Speaker 5 10:08

I never went without. Even though my family was not what I would say well off, my parents made sure I never went without. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 10:17

Do you think that's something you've held on to for most of your life, and the fact that Big time, yeah.

Speaker 5 10:22

Yeah, I'm strong on family. Yeah, for most of your life and the fact that Big time yeah.

Speaker 4 10:26

Yeah, I'm strong on family. Yeah, like, family is the biggest thing for me. Yeah, yeah, so what would you say are the three core values that you've kind of been entrenched in you, with that, obviously, family being very important?

Speaker 5 10:34

Yes, family is important. It's probably the pinnacle of everything. Obviously close friendships are that. Looking back now, I would probably say health is out there too. Yeah, which.

Speaker 4 10:50

I would pretty much also, maybe judging on what you just said, I would say loyalty is probably a big one for you.

Speaker 5 10:55

Yes, loyalty is huge yeah. That's big yeah. Loyalty, I think would be a big one yeah.

Speaker 4 11:01

And kind of would give me a kind of good insight into, obviously, why you have been through what you have been through, and so let's not beat around the bush anymore. In terms of that particular topic, life for you was good in the beginning, like you said, and 15 years old.

Speaker 5 11:23

Yes.

Speaker 4 11:24

It all changed.

Speaker 5 11:30

Yes said um and 15 years old. Yes, it all changed. Yes, explain what happened at 15 years old. Um right, yeah, so at 15 I entered into what I would call my first serious relationship. Obviously, at 15 you're none the wiser to life outside of that. So obviously, obviously, diving into it. It was first love, and at 15, you think that that's going to be well, especially with this person. You think it's going to be the one.

Speaker 4 11:54

Yeah, and I'm sorry. Before you carry on, I want to say let's refer to this person as Jimmy. Jimmy, Just for the sake of saying we don't want to obviously throw anyone into disrespect or anything like that, and I'd prefer just to call him.

Speaker 5 12:11

Jimmy, jimmy. Yeah, apologies to any Jimmys out there that may take offense.

Speaker 3 12:15

This has got no reference to any Jimmy that we know. New partner's name is Jimmy, so this is going to go down like a left moon, but not okay.

Speaker 4 12:22

So we're just going to. The only reason why I had that is because I was listening to that song, jimmy Eat World, in the middle this morning, so that's why Jimmy came out to my mind. So let's refer to you're not into a relationship with Jimmy at 15 years old? Yes, which is pretty young. Yeah, especially, what was this? This was 20 years ago almost. Yeah.

Speaker 5 12:40

Yeah, yeah, 20. How's that 20 this year? Math is good.

Speaker 4 12:44

Yeah, so, yeah. So 15 years old, first serious relationship. Had you had any kind of inkling of relationships before this?

Speaker 5 12:52

Yes, yes, yes, I wouldn't call them serious.

Speaker 4 12:58

Yeah, Lockwood, he's name dropping people. Shev. No, he's all right.

Speaker 3 13:01

No, I actually got name dropped him because he's the drummer of Hurricane Fall.

Speaker 4 13:05

Again A very good band. Yeah, very good band. I'm surprised you don't know them, me, yeah, because they're like country rock.

Speaker 3 13:12

I didn't know about Daryl Braithwaite until I came to Australia. Oh, I make you part of it.

Speaker 4 13:20

Yeah.

Speaker 3 13:21

I didn't know Until I came to Australia.

Speaker 4 13:22

I'm done yeah.

Speaker 5 13:23

Wow, yeah, it's crazy. Is that not part of the test to enter Australia?

Speaker 4 13:27

Well, now it would be yeah, for sure.

Speaker 5 13:28

That would make sense.

Speaker 4 13:29

That's why I heard about it when I came. I know about horses, but they weren't. The song Fair, yeah, anyway, let's continue. Yes, yeah, so you had obviously had kind of relationships before this.

Speaker 5 13:44

Yes, yeah, so you had obviously had kind of relationships before this. I mean they were high school relationships like nothing serious you held hands in the playground Puppy love.

Speaker 4 13:52

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Speaker 5 13:52

Continue. And then obviously got with Jimmy. Yeah, so for the first I want to say 12 months. It was all right.

Speaker 4 14:02

If you had to describe Jimmy in that first 12 months, how would you describe him? How would you describe the relationship?

Speaker 5 14:10

In the first 12 months. I mean, it was loving, it was fun. We always did a lot together when we had time.

Speaker 4 14:33

Would you have called him caring To begin with? Yes, did he show you vulnerability in the first 12 months? Did he open up about some of the things that he maybe was going through struggling? Who he was as a person?

Speaker 5 14:41

No, no, not at all yeah.

Speaker 4 14:44

Did he make you feel safe?

Speaker 5 14:46

To begin with yes. Yeah, I was obviously very close with his family at the time as well. Did a lot with them on weekends, sorry.

Speaker 4 14:54

No, that's okay.

Speaker 5 14:57

And then, yeah, after that it sort of took a turn.

Speaker 4 15:01

Okay, so 12 months in, yeah.

Speaker 5 15:04

Maybe a bit longer than 12 months, yeah, but obviously the first 12 months of a serious relationship, you think it's great, you think they're the one, they're the one you're going to spend your life with.

Speaker 4 15:13

You obviously fell hard for Jimmy. Yes, you thought he was a great guy, you could see a future with this person. Yep, I know being young. Obviously we look back in retrospect and go, wow, I was so young, what were we thinking? Oh yeah, but at the time Jimmy was pretty much a big part of your life. Yes, in the fact that obviously you cared for him. Maybe you could say you loved him. Yep, would you say he was your first love? Yes, okay, I know that there's an interesting stat that everyone has three loves in their life the first love, then there's the first like serious relationship, and then there's their forever love that they want to put it in that. So he would have been the first, okay, A lot to learn from that.

Speaker 5 15:57

A lot to learn, yeah.

Speaker 4 15:59

So this was a big, big moment for you in the fact that first serious relationship you were invested. You knew his first serious relationship. You were invested. You knew his family so you were invested in the family side. He knew your family. So you know you had invested a lot of time. I mean, at 16, being with someone for 12 months. That's a big part of your life yeah you know and you felt safe. You felt secure in the relationship. You felt cared for, I'm presuming did?

Speaker 5 16:24

you did have a bit of a barrier up, though. Yeah, I don't know if they saw something or if it's just the fact that they're baby.

Speaker 4 16:31

Yeah.

Speaker 5 16:32

Like the baby child.

Speaker 4 16:33

It was also your first kind of relationship, so maybe it was that. But maybe, like you say, maybe they were intuitive and they did. Did you see any red flags in those first 12 months? Was there any like inclination of saying like, oh, I didn't like this, or maybe?

Speaker 5 16:48

Looking back now probably yes, at the time no.

Speaker 4 16:52

That's why they say love is blind. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 5 16:55

Like there's a lot of things now I look back and go that probably wasn't right.

Speaker 4 16:59

Probably should have raised a red flag there, but given that it was the first love you past all that. Yeah, retrospect is a beautiful thing.

Speaker 3 17:08

It definitely is yeah, and you tend to put up with more bullshit when you're with someone like that as well, you know what I mean. Like you just sort of turn a blind eye and like what you said love is blind man. Well, I mean just sort of oh, they got a fault don't worry about it.

Speaker 4 17:21

To put it to, to maybe put a pin in the story, this is something I think you can go into any relationship. You're obviously in a serious relationship now, engaged to BJ. Shout out to BJ.

Speaker 3 17:32

Yeah, Jonesy, get your shirt off.

Speaker 5 17:35

Don't encourage that. You know I will.

Speaker 4 17:38

You would know that in a relationship, there's obviously a lot of compromise, there's a lot of sacrifice. You know you, obviously, when you're not in a relationship and it's just you, you can be very selfish in what you want, and then when you start to get into a relationship with someone, this there's got to be give and take in areas, and so there can be irritation, there can be frustrations that you're working through in order to find a middle ground, and those things. So I think it's only natural that you do have that kind of frustration where you go, okay, that might irritate me, but at the same time I'm like, oh, I love this person, I'm going to move through it. So love is blind? Yes, to a degree it's going to be in every relationship. But that's what a relationship is about. It's sacrifice, it's compromise, it's putting up with things maybe that we would find frustrating, but at the same time, you love the person more and you're kind of like, okay, cool.

Speaker 5 18:27

Yeah, that outweighs the frustration.

Speaker 4 18:29

Outweighs the frustration. But then I also think that you do miss certain things, like you say. And looking back now.

Speaker 5 18:38

I kind of wish I recognised that, because it wouldn't have prolonged that relationship.

Speaker 4 18:42

And I think that's something that, if I can hone down on, what I want to get out of today is let's look at those. For people maybe that are in a relationship to be like, hey, these are the things that you need to look out for. But let's go back to the story. Roughly 12 months maybe a little bit more you'd been with Jimmy, things were good, you were great. No red flags up until this point maybe that you were obviously concerned about. Things changed. How did they change?

Speaker 5 19:13

There was jealousy coming to the picture. There was insecurity coming to the picture from his end Without reason. There was no given reason as to why that needed to happen.

Speaker 4 19:27

Were you always a social person before that in the relationship? Yes, yeah. So nothing changed drastically. It wasn't like you started hanging out with other people more, or Nope had the same sort of friendship.

Speaker 5 19:38

I mean.

Speaker 4 19:39

Had anything in his life changed that you were aware of? Had he had something happen? Not that I know of no, so everything was just kind of normal. Yeah, just something shifted.

Speaker 5 19:50

I don't know if it was one of those things you get comfortable in a relationship and then you sort of the walls start coming down.

Speaker 4 19:56

Yeah, yeah and please. The only reason why I'm asking is more context and info, so I'm not trying to justify anything, but yeah, just as much context and info as possible.

Speaker 5 20:06

Nothing what I can recall.

Speaker 2 20:09

It's a long time ago now but thank you.

Speaker 5 20:13

Nothing that I can recall changed in that time. Sorry, I just need a drink.

Speaker 4 20:16

Yeah, you have a drink, that's fine.

Speaker 5 20:20

Good work, mick, thank you. Shout out to Mick, mick keep the guest hydrated since 2024.

Speaker 4 20:27

Top job, mick. Yeah, that's awesome.

Speaker 5 20:31

So yeah, so you were saying and then, looking back now, I didn't recognise it at the time. Looking back now, there was probably some manipulation happened, some gaslighting happened.

Speaker 4 20:43

When you say manipulation and gaslight. Can I ask you just to expand a little bit more? What did that look like? What were some of the things that?

Speaker 5 20:48

you can recall Things like he would want me to do something and the term if you love me, you'll do this. So he's giving you an ultimatum.

Speaker 3 20:59

Yes.

Speaker 5 21:00

And everything was if you love me, you'll do this. If you love me, you'll believe me. Like he would say certain things and if I sort of raised an alarm like hang on, that doesn't make sense or that doesn't seem right. If you love me, you'll believe me.

Speaker 4 21:14

Okay, so emotional manipulation was yes, big time yeah.

Speaker 5 21:19

So that was probably at the time. I didn't recognise it. It was just okay, that's what you do for your partner, sort of vibes. The gaslighting. There was probably things that happened where I knew they'd happened and he tried to turn it around on me or convince me it was my fault.

Speaker 4 21:45

Do you feel like sharing an example?

Speaker 5 21:50

Look cheating happened. Yeah. And I got told I wouldn't have done it if you did this. Okay, I did that because of this. Yeah, like all the blame got turned around on me.

Speaker 4 22:00

How did you take that? When you heard that, was it something where you were like, or maybe I do feel responsible. Yes, okay.

Speaker 5 22:08

It was like obviously I've done this, so this is why this has happened.

Speaker 5 22:13

That didn't happen just the once. Okay, it happened, for what I know, multiple times, but at the time it was all right. This is my first serious relationship. I've got to make it work because I don't want to be a failure. Regardless of what he's done, what he's said, we'll move past it sort of thing. So following the first 12 months, I think that continued to happen. That manipulation, that gaslighting, everything got turned around on me, which, when you're in your teens, is probably a hard time to take, because that's when you're developing the most.

Speaker 4 22:51

It would be. It would be. I think I mean it's the developmental age.

Speaker 5 22:56

Hey, there's that word. There's that word I couldn't say earlier. That's why I didn't say it just now.

Speaker 4 23:00

So you're in that age where you're kind of finding yourself your identity.

Speaker 5 23:04

You're trying to figure out who you are.

Speaker 4 23:05

You're trying to figure out who you are. And so you're in this age now where you're figuring this out, and someone is now portraying or reflecting their own insecurities on you, and so you are trying to figure out your own security with the fact that you're struggling with all not only the external factors of laugh friends, school media, hormones, hormones but now you have someone who's supposed to make you feel the most secure, adding to these insecurities.

Speaker 5 23:35

Yes, throwing their own insecurities onto me.

Speaker 4 23:39

Okay, never an easy thing, no, yeah.

Overcoming Shame and Sharing Struggles

Speaker 5 23:42

It wouldn't be easy at any time, but when you're a teenager and that's when you're developing most it makes it even more difficult.

Speaker 4 23:50

Did you share any of these concerns with anyone at the time? No, no.

Speaker 5 23:55

No, the entire time it was all very suppressed. It was very bottled up, kept quiet, because if I spoke about it I felt like the failure. I felt like I was the one that let the relationship down. I was the one to blame, I was the one that was going to lose friends, going to lose family, because I didn't put the effort into the relationship.

Speaker 4 24:16

Yeah, yeah, shame is an incredible thing to try and deal with. Hey, big time yeah.

Speaker 5 24:22

Especially, I think too, because I was convinced I was the one to blame.

Speaker 4 24:26

Okay, yeah, based on the manipulation, the gaslighting Yep.

Speaker 5 24:31

So everything, any argument, was my fault? Yeah, anything that went wrong was my fault. Yep. Which even people I went to school with would have had no idea.

Speaker 4 24:41

Yeah, yeah, because this was never done in public. This was all.

Speaker 5 24:45

All behind closed doors and then out in public. It was made to seem like the perfect picture.

Speaker 4 24:51

Holding hands, laughing.

Speaker 5 24:52

Yep.

Speaker 3 24:53

I'm just going to show you. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. No, you know what I mean.

Speaker 4 24:59

It's. I don't know. We live in a world that just portrays this everyone. I don't know we live in a world that just portrays this Everyone has to have their shit together.

Speaker 3 25:07

Yeah, Like what you said ages ago on Instagram and Facebook, they put their best life on there. Yeah, but and you look at that, I'm guilty of it and you look at it and go shit, man, he's gone overseas. He's done that. I wish I was doing that.

Speaker 4 25:20

We only ever share the good, and that's what it creates such a misinterpretation of what life is about. Because, let's be honest, how often do we go through something that's tough or hard or, you know, in this situation that literally tests our character to the core, and we never share that. You know, you were saying you know, even up to this point, it's been something that you've… I think I've shared, shared with.

Speaker 5 25:44

I can count on one hand the people I've shared.

Speaker 4 25:46

Yeah, yeah, intimate details yeah, always yeah one of them being a counsellor yeah, yeah and then the other three are people who have been close to me yeah, so, um, you know it's, it's, it's something that I think we really need to change the tide on, and that's why I I preference this entire episode by saying I'm really proud of the fact that you are able to share the story.

Speaker 5 26:11

It was a journey to be able to do that. Yeah, it's taken a long time to get to the point where I can talk about it.

Speaker 4 26:17

But anyone who's walked through some stuff would say the same thing Yep, whether it's in this particular instance of domestic violence, or whether it's depression, suicide, whether it's addiction, it doesn't matter, we all walk a journey to walk through, and most of it starts with the fact that we've got to get over our shame that we feel in that moment of failure, of letting people or ourselves down. Failure of letting people or ourselves down, or you know. So I think that the fact that you are at a point where you've not got to this position where I can share my story.

Speaker 5 26:53

I can talk about it without crying, I can talk about it. I can talk about it without having an emotional breakdown.

Speaker 4 26:57

Yeah, that, for me, is the point where I'm like you are maybe probably 80% of the way there.

Speaker 5 27:06

I've still got a bit to go. I still do have a lot of insecurities and a lot like that.

Speaker 4 27:13

But I love the fact that it's now, and I always preference this. I think for me, any form of struggle that we have only holds power if we keep it to ourselves, the secrecy side of it. If you're struggling with addiction, it's like I'm not going to tell anyone, yep, and therefore it's like I'm struggling and I want to seek help, but I'm going to keep it to myself, yep. You know, if it's uh, you know, in your instance, um, with an abusive partner, it's like, uh, well, because I'm going to feel embarrassed and they're going to think that you know what have I done.

Speaker 5 27:43

What have I done? They're going to judge me.

Speaker 4 27:48

Yeah, and so you keep it secret and it keeps holding over you this power that it's like, well, you need to stay here yeah. And I think I always say and that's what I love, it's something I always come back to on this podcast is the first step when it comes to the AA 12 steps through the Alcoholics Anonymous or any addiction kind of process is the first step is always admit the problem, yep.

Speaker 5 28:09

Yeah, look, I didn't admit the problem until five years ago, maybe. I didn't realize that that was the issue of a lot of other issues in my life.

Speaker 4 28:23

Yeah, yeah.

Escaping Trauma Bonded Relationship

Speaker 5 28:23

So even like I knew that I went through a lot of other issues in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So even like I knew that I went through a lot in that relationship, but probably even up until last year when I had it raised with me that do you know that this issue is caused from this relationship? This issue is caused from this Like so much stemmed back to that particular relationship and what I went through.

Speaker 4 28:42

Well, it's trauma.

Speaker 5 28:44

Oh yeah.

Speaker 4 28:44

Trauma often leads to a whole lot of yeah.

Speaker 5 28:48

And I didn't realise how much of that was actually linked in. Yeah, it's like looking at a road map. Yeah.

Speaker 3 28:58

You start here and all these roads pan off in different directions and that's what it's from, but that is the root of all the problems.

Speaker 4 29:03

Yeah, you know what I mean.

Speaker 5 29:04

Yeah, big a problem, yeah, you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 29:07

yeah, yeah, big time, yeah, um, okay, so let's get back to the story.

Speaker 5 29:09

Um you know, obviously the crack started to happen. Yep, yeah, you had all these issues to begin with. It was all emotional and mental, yeah, um, and then obviously became physical how did it become physical?

Speaker 4 29:20

can you tell us? Would you you mind sharing?

Speaker 5 29:23

the first time. First time I remember we were actually on a holiday with some of our friends and in that group of friends there was a few males, and it was the fact. I was talking to them, nothing outrageous, just a general conversation with these friends that we went on holidays with. When we went back to our campsite, an argument happened and then the violence happened, so I ended up with a few injuries from it.

Speaker 4 29:56

Can I ask you to share a little bit in that aspect?

Speaker 5 29:59

Look, some broken ribs yeah.

Speaker 4 30:03

How did the situation arise with the fact that he hit you? Because up until this point, he hadn't no, he hadn't. So what? He obviously got angry with you.

Speaker 5 30:11

He got angry that I was talking.

Speaker 4 30:13

Okay, you, obviously you try to defend yourself. I'm guessing Absolutely he didn't like that.

Speaker 5 30:19

No, it was looking back now. It was one of those things. Anytime I defended myself or stood up for myself was when things got worse. Yeah. Because obviously I look at it now and it was very narcissistic behavior. And then, once a narcissist loses power is when they go out of control.

Speaker 4 30:41

Yeah, they try to regain it by doing something more drastic. Yep.

Speaker 5 30:44

Yeah.

Speaker 3 30:45

Was any alcohol or drugs or any? No, go out of control. Yeah, they try to regain it by doing something more drastic.

Speaker 5 30:50

Yep, yeah, so Was any alcohol or drugs or any, so it was just all I was sober.

Speaker 3 30:52

Oh wow, yep, there's nothing.

Speaker 4 30:53

So can I ask you to tell. Can you tell me the story of what happened? Like you were in your campsite.

Speaker 5 30:57

Yep, arguments happened. I was accused of flirting, even though there was none of that, and then, yeah, it just went back and forth with arguments. A push happened, I pushed back, defending myself, and then kick.

Speaker 4 31:16

So he kicked you Yep In the ribs, yep, and you ended up with broken ribs Yep. What was your reaction when this happened?

Speaker 5 31:23

My first reaction was holy shit. Second reaction was how am I getting home so I can get out of here? I obviously left that room, left the campsite room, went for a walk upset and then probably 10, 15 minutes later it was all right. I need to go back and fix this, which, looking back now, probably not the right move, but when you've got that trauma bond, when it's your first serious relationship, it's the way that you handle things.

Speaker 4 31:56

Okay, so you went back. Yes.

Speaker 5 32:01

What did that look like? A lot of silence, a lot of silent treatment.

Speaker 4 32:05

Did he show any form of apology or remorse for what he had done? Was he shocked?

Speaker 5 32:14

It was an apology, but whether it was genuine I don't know. And again, it was. If you hadn't have done this, I wouldn't have got to that point.

Speaker 4 32:23

Okay.

Speaker 5 32:24

So again, the blame was put on me.

Speaker 5 32:27

Yep, so for I'll continue on in the relationship. So continuing on. Any time I spoke to a male, it was accusations of you want this person. Absolutely not. That is not how it was at all, even to the extent we'd go to parties. We went to a party one time. We were all drinking at this party because we were legal age and I was hanging out with classmates who we all got along with at the time and he didn't like it, so he left DUI. He got pulled over by the police. I got that blamed on me that it was my fault that he drove under the influence of alcohol because I was talking to people in my class.

Speaker 3 33:20

Yeah, okay, if you weren't doing that, it wouldn't happen.

Speaker 5 33:23

Yeah, so if I wasn't talking to my classmates, he wouldn't have got in the car drunk and driven and been pulled up by police and lost his license.

Speaker 4 33:30

Do you feel like when this started to happen, that there was this form of isolation that was starting to happen, where he was trying to isolate you more and more from people Big time? Yeah, from family, from friends from Yep, Even my family from friends from?

Speaker 5 33:42

Yep, even, even my parents will back me on this. Um, they saw a change in my persona.

Speaker 4 33:54

They they actually said they had lost their daughter.

Speaker 5 33:59

What were some of these changes that they? Um, I had a lot of anger. I had a lot of resentment to a lot of people. Um, I shut off a lot from them, so I'd get home and just wouldn't talk to them. I'd lock myself in my room. There was self-harm at the time as a coping mechanism. There was starvation at the time as a coping mechanism. I just didn't eat for weeks on end because that's just how I coped, to the point I'd go to school, come home and crash out because I was so exhausted. Yeah, so, from the bubbly person I was early teens to then, that was a lot. I had all the angry music playing as loud as I could.

Speaker 3 34:44

There's nothing wrong with angry music. No, I knew you'd like that.

Speaker 5 34:48

So yeah, like the way that I sort of was around, other people changed too, like I was not the bright, happy person I was, or if I was, it was a mask, yeah.

Speaker 4 34:59

Yeah, all right. Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, yeah, were there any other instances?

Speaker 5 35:03

it's a lot yeah.

Speaker 4 35:05

Yeah, were there any other instances that you can think of that kind of stood out to you in terms of it really like this was an instant that, if I look back now, it was incredibly violent or it was incredibly tough? Look a lot of.

Speaker 5 35:19

It was probably more the emotional and mental.

Speaker 4 35:22

Yeah.

Speaker 5 35:22

There were hints of physical here and there throughout, but it was a lot more emotional and mental. Yeah, there were hints of physical here and there throughout but, it was a lot more emotional and mental. Yeah. Like I said before we started recording, I'm probably one of the lucky ones because I did get out, because there are a lot of people who don't get out.

Speaker 4 35:37

Yeah, well, let's go into that.

Speaker 3 35:39

You're probably still in it today. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 35:42

Let's go into that scenario. Eventually it culminated in the fact where you were, like I'm done, had you tried previously to leave.

Speaker 5 35:51

I tried to end the relationship multiple times, yeah. And then it was always twisted back around to somehow manipulate me back in and obviously, being young, that manipulation worked a treat. In the end, it ended up being his friends who encouraged and supported me to leave.

Speaker 4 36:15

When you say his friends did, they know what was going on.

Speaker 5 36:19

Not to the full extent.

Speaker 4 36:20

Okay, so they knew there was issues.

Speaker 5 36:22

They knew there was issues and arguing. Yeah. They knew there was cheating issues.

Speaker 4 36:29

Yeah.

Speaker 5 36:29

Like to the point he'd physically been caught red-handed and denied it to people's faces, saying it never happened even though they saw it yeah.

Speaker 4 36:39

It's pretty hard to deny yeah.

Speaker 5 36:41

So his friends were actually the one that raised that with me. He pulled the shaggy yeah.

Speaker 3 36:45

It wasn't me. It wasn't me. Photoshop's a beautiful thing to have. That's not me, wouldn't get away with it these days.

Speaker 5 36:53

So it was actually his friends that came to me and said hey, I think you need to have a serious look at this because we can see there's issues. I don't think they knew the full extent of it. I don't know if they knew the full damage of it, but they could obviously see a lot was going on and, yep, there was a few of them.

Speaker 4 37:20

that sort of pulled me aside privately and said I think you need to do something about this. Yep, okay, yeah, then what happened?

Speaker 5 37:26

Kat so.

Speaker 4 37:28

How did you get out of it?

Speaker 5 37:29

I actually deliberately waited until he had no family around to Sorry.

Speaker 4 37:35

How old were you at this stage? Sorry, Should have preferenced that, my bad.

Speaker 5 37:39

I was just 18.

Speaker 4 37:40

So you'd been with Jimmy for three years? Yes, until this point 15, 16.

Speaker 5 37:46

Probably closer to four.

Speaker 4 37:47

Closer to four yeah.

Speaker 5 37:47

Okay. So yeah, I'd had my 18th birthday, finished school, and then, yeah, I kind of got to a point where I was like no, this I can't keep doing this, so I deliberately waited until there was no family around for him.

Speaker 5 38:08

He was home on his own and I went to his place and just said I can't keep doing this and obviously the manipulation tried to happen again and I ended up just shutting off to it and leaving, walked out. I vouched to never go back to it. I did get messages from his parents after saying they couldn't believe I did it, while no one was there to support him. Obviously they didn't know the ins and outs of it all or whether it was just the fact that I'd hurt their son. I don't know.

Speaker 4 38:48

Which I mean as a parent. I can understand, yes, but when you don't know the context, it's tough, and it's also for me. I always feel that it's so easy for people to come through after a situation from their own perspective and say why did you do this? But when they're not involved in it, I feel like it's very I want to say, out of line, for lack of a better terminology. I guess Because you know, for instance, in a relationship there's two people, yep, and whenever you hear of a relationship breakdown, generally you only ever hear from it from one perspective.

Speaker 5 39:27

Yes. And so you have a very biased. There's three sides to it. Yeah, you have a very biased opinion. One side, the other side and the truth, and the truth in the middle.

Speaker 4 39:33

Yeah, Yep, and so I feel for you. That would have been tough, yep.

Speaker 5 39:41

And I think too, because even if I spoke about it back then, I don't. Back then I would have felt like I wasn't going to be believed, or I was a drama queen, or I was making up.

Speaker 4 39:53

Well, your whole identity had been torn to shreds.

Speaker 5 39:56

Yeah, Even after ending this relationship, I had coping mechanisms of drinking Like. I would go to the pub four or five times a week, write myself off. It didn't help that I worked in the pub at the time too.

Speaker 4 40:12

So when you said you went to the pub four or five times, I actually went to work.

Speaker 5 40:16

I wasn't drinking at work. I need to clarify that.

Speaker 3 40:18

So you were getting paid by the pub and going here's my paycheck back.

Speaker 5 40:21

Hey, hang on, you would have seen me at that time too.

Speaker 3 40:23

We went to the same one. That was awesome.

Speaker 5 40:28

Yeah, so I turned to drinking as a coping mechanism of trying to figure out where I was in life, who I was in life, I guess trying to recover from what I'd been through. I guess, trying to recover from what I'd been through, trying to identify exactly when it began. Yeah, so it was a lot and I think, because you go through that and you have no self-worth, because you're told that you're nothing, you're told that you're not you're told that you're not good enough.

Speaker 5 41:00

You're blamed for everything. You're told that everything's your fault. Anything you do feel confident about, that confidence gets shut down. It gets doubt thrown at it. So you're always any decision you're making anything, you're doing anything you're feeling. You're always second guessing, because that's what you've been taught in that relationship.

Speaker 4 41:21

Yeah, so up until this point of leaving, had you told anyone about the situations that had occurred?

Speaker 5 41:29

Not to the extent Not to the extent. One of my siblings, I feel like, had an inkling, because they stood between us one time trying to defend me in an argument which is very out of character for them. Like I was the outspoken one of the three of us. Oh yeah, you were yeah. So I was the one who would do that normally.

Speaker 4 41:57

Yeah, but you personally had not shared anything with anyone.

Speaker 5 42:01

No, okay, so it was all people's perception or perspective of the situation. I kept it suppressed probably my entire life since then, except for, like I said, a handful of people not even a handful and until I fully spoke about it last year with a counsellor.

Speaker 3 42:21

A counsellor.

Speaker 5 42:21

Yep.

Speaker 3 42:23

I do have a question. After all this was said and done, did Jimmy actually try? I know you said he sent you messages and all that sort of stuff, but did he try and get you back later on, like when obviously the heat had died down. Did he try again and say hey look, I'm sorry, or even just reach out.

Speaker 5 42:42

Yeah yeah, not with much effort.

Speaker 3 42:46

Oh right.

Speaker 5 42:47

Okay, I think from his side there was a lot of anger and resentment about the fact that I'd left, because even things like 12 months following it, I was out on a walk and saw him driving towards me and he swerved towards me.

Speaker 4 43:03

Wow, yeah, this was a year afterwards. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 43:07

Yeah, so, and even things like seeing him out in public. I'd get to look up and down in disgust.

Speaker 4 43:11

Yeah, yeah, right, Obviously you would, because you lived in the same area. You would have seen him pretty easily and around Yep. When was the first time that you'd ended it, that you then saw him out in public, for instance?

Speaker 5 43:27

So, following ending it with him, it would have been a good couple of months before I saw him.

Speaker 4 43:33

Okay. Is that because you avoided going anywhere that you thought he would be, or, obviously, you were working in a pub at the time?

Speaker 5 43:44

He wasn't a social butterfly like that Okay. If he was going out, he'd generally be going to friends' places rather than going out in public. Okay, okay.

Navigating Relationships After Trauma

Speaker 4 43:55

So kind of, let's move a little bit ahead. Ended with Jimmy. You know, life kind of goes on for you and eventually you get to a point where you're like, okay, I need to move on from this. Yep, how did you do that?

Speaker 5 44:14

Look, for a while it was pretty much anyone who….

Speaker 4 44:18

Gave you any form of attention. Yes, okay, yes, so it was pretty much anyone who gave you any form of attention.

Speaker 5 44:21

Okay, yes, so it was pretty much anyone who gave me attention, not saying that there was one night stands or anything like that, but you gave them attention.

Speaker 4 44:30

Yes, yeah, you enjoyed the fact that someone made you feel seen. Yes, you know, yeah. Felt like maybe they cared. Yes, yeah, yes, you know, yeah. Felt like maybe they cared. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 44:40

Because for majority of that relationship that's not how I felt. Yeah. So anytime anyone was nice to me, it was like this person actually cares. This is what it feels like to be cared about.

Speaker 4 44:52

So you kind of misinterpret nice with caring.

Speaker 5 44:59

Yes, because people are nice, but that doesn't mean they care, and I think it was a form of seeking validation too.

Speaker 4 45:05

Yes, Because at this stage you hadn't had any. No, yeah.

Speaker 3 45:09

Yep.

Speaker 4 45:09

You hadn't had any from the right people.

Speaker 3 45:11

Let's put it that way yes, yeah, and your life was only just beginning as well. Yeah, that's right. Yep, yeah.

Speaker 5 45:20

And beginning as well. Yeah, that's right, yep, yeah, and I think too because I grew up in a household where I didn't see any of that?

Speaker 4 45:24

I had no idea that. Yeah, that's actually maybe a question I should have maybe asked did you ever have your parents like argue or fight in front of you? No, no, so you didn't know confrontation up until this point. No, okay, that's interesting.

Speaker 5 45:38

Okay, so it's like I grew up in a household with one atmosphere and then, I was in a relationship with the complete opposite.

Speaker 4 45:47

That's such a tough one, and I mean this is my personal opinion, because I grew up in a household that was completely opposite. I grew up in a household that I had parents that argued and fought in front of us.

Speaker 5 46:03

Yep.

Speaker 4 46:05

But we never saw like the rectification of that, we never saw them resolve the issue in front of us, yep. So I always saw the effect of the arguing and the fighting but I never saw how to resolve that. And for you, you might have always you've never known what the conflict was.

Speaker 5 46:28

Yeah, or if there was, it was minor disagreements.

Speaker 4 46:32

Yeah everyday stuff, no yelling or anything, it was just minor disagreements. I want to be at. No, I want wine. Yeah, yeah, exactly yeah, exactly yeah.

Speaker 5 46:39

Exactly, you know the hard topics in life.

Speaker 3 46:42

Why don't we just do like the Mexican chick? Why? Don't we have both. I'm having tacos tonight. Actually, I really am.

Speaker 5 46:50

Yeah. Yeah, it's not even Tuesday, not even Taco Tuesday.

Speaker 3 46:54

Taco in my house is a staple, especially Taco in my house is a staple, especially with my kids.

Speaker 4 46:59

Yeah, I can see that I love tacos. I'm only joking. So when obviously now you've, like you said, you've kind of looked for validation through other people and you kind of got it, when was it that you actually first decided, okay, I'm willing to jump back into a relationship?

Speaker 5 47:16

It would have been maybe 18 months following the separation Um which, up until this point, you hadn't really dealt with.

Speaker 4 47:24

It. Would you say no, yeah.

Speaker 5 47:26

No, Even even probably entering the next relationship, I still had a lot of trauma, a lot of issues.

Speaker 4 47:33

Cause you, just like you said, suppressed everything.

Speaker 5 47:35

Yep, yep. Um, I had a lot of trust issues. So even entering into that relationship, there was a lot of trust issues from my side which obviously weren't validated, because he had never done anything wrong like to break my trust and even like when we would go out I'd end up an emotional wreck because I obviously hadn't dealt with it, but he was very understanding to it too.

Speaker 4 48:02

Okay, yeah, so your new partner was a lot more.

Speaker 5 48:05

He was the complete opposite. Okay yeah, big softy.

Speaker 4 48:08

Big softy.

Speaker 5 48:09

Yeah.

Speaker 4 48:09

I'm going to have a push over, not many teasers. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 3 48:14

Big marshmallow.

Speaker 4 48:16

And this relationship that you were then in, do you feel like sharing a little bit about? Obviously, what happened in terms of you guys obviously progressed.

Speaker 5 48:25

Yep. So we went on to get married, yep. How?

Speaker 4 48:28

long from starting to date to marriage.

Speaker 5 48:34

Four years.

Speaker 4 48:34

Four years, four years, four years we were together and then, we got married.

Navigating Communication in Relationships

Speaker 5 48:38

Okay, yep, yep, actually, yeah, four years, four years four years we were together, and then we got married. Okay, yeah, yeah, actually, and yeah, four years, four years and relationship wise.

Speaker 4 48:44

It was, yeah, it was good caring person.

Speaker 5 48:48

Yep yep, yep, would do anything. Would, if I was upset, would do anything to try and fix it yeah, and this was very different for you.

Speaker 4 48:57

Yes, yeah.

Speaker 5 48:58

I didn't know how to feel like that in a relationship.

Speaker 4 49:01

Yeah.

Speaker 5 49:02

I didn't know what it was like to be cared about. I didn't know what it was like to have someone who actually cared about the way I was feeling, to not have an argument blamed on me every single time. Yeah. Even though I probably caused a lot of them because of my own issues that I never dealt with and my own trauma.

Speaker 4 49:19

Yes, I didn't know how to deal with that. Yeah, and then you obviously got married. Yes, okay.

Speaker 5 49:30

How long were you married?

Speaker 4 49:33

for I'm getting you, I'm getting you going, yeah. Four years Four years dating, four years married, so we were together eight years. You were obviously together for a while, yep, and was there any stage that you kind of felt that you needed to deal with some stuff still, that you're still dealing with some stuff that you Looking back now yes, yes.

Speaker 5 49:56

There was still a lot that I hadn't dealt with.

Speaker 4 49:58

But in the moment, in the time, in the moment.

Speaker 5 50:00

no, I didn't realise I just figured I'd moved on from it, I'd dealt with it. Yeah, yeah, and it was sort of like I've made it because I'm in a happy relationship. I'm with someone who cares, so whatever's happened to me in the past is in the past. Yeah, in the past is in the past, yeah.

Speaker 3 50:17

Yeah, did you when you like with your new partner and stuff like that. If you had like a disagreement or an argument, was there any triggers that would come like float back? There was.

Speaker 5 50:29

Yeah, even though it might be, you know, small. Oh yeah yeah, there was a lot of triggers. I probably, looking back now, I probably instigated a lot because of my own issues. I shouldn't say instigate, but a lot of my issues probably made things a lot worse than what they should have been.

Speaker 4 50:48

It's your defensive response yes. Because you didn't want to go through what you were going through again.

Speaker 5 50:53

And so any disagreement there was, I was an accommodator. Yeah. So I would. If we disagreed, I just go all right, this is what he wants. So I accommodated for all of that because I didn't want to be put in the position again that if I disagreed, I had my ass handed to me basically yeah, okay okay, so not that he would ever do that I need to make that very clear. He's not yeah, he's not that type of person yeah at all.

Speaker 4 51:18

Um, obviously circumstances meant that that marriage obviously ended. Yep, I won't ask you to go too much into that, that's fine.

Speaker 5 51:26

Still co parent. He's still co-parent, co-parent and baby Beautiful boy. He's 10 this year. Yeah, beautiful boy.

Speaker 4 51:32

Shout out to Bodes.

Speaker 5 51:33

Bodes, he's the best.

Speaker 4 51:35

Yeah, he's the best, yeah, so you co-parent with him. Yep, and now you have a new partner, bj. Yes, like we've said, Yep, also a bit of a teddy bear.

Speaker 5 51:45

He is.

Speaker 4 51:45

Yeah, bit of a fun dude he is.

Speaker 3 51:48

Yeah. He's a very We've got tremendous amounts of respect for that.

Speaker 4 51:52

Yeah, he's a good dude. He is a good dude. How are, and how are you approaching this relationship differently?

Speaker 5 51:59

Look, I hi.

Speaker 3 52:02

Hi People at the window. Yeah, they just want to say hello.

Speaker 4 52:06

They just want to say hello.

Speaker 5 52:07

Look, I'm big on communication, yeah, so if I have an issue, I do communicate it. Yeah, I make it very clear how it's making me feel, why it's making me feel like that and how we can fix it me feel why it's making me feel like that and how he can fix it, which makes it hard when he's not. I wouldn't say he doesn't communicate, but he likes to keep quiet. Yeah, he's a guy, yeah, he's a man.

Speaker 4 52:32

So I can talk from a man's perspective.

Speaker 3 52:35

It quite means a thinking man.

Speaker 4 52:37

Yeah, but also, but yeah, but what I think it's it's. We grew up in a generation where I would say, probably you were expressing your feelings and what your thoughts were were not something that we were encouraged to do.

Speaker 4 52:52

Yes and so especially from when you have yes when you haven't done it for so long, it's very hard to get into a relationship. To now do that, yes. And secondly, I also want to preference this by saying I think it's very hard for men to express what they're feeling, because it's very tough for us to put into words sometimes what we're feeling, yes. So it's easy for us to, rather than do that, jana, just suppress it, yes, or ignore it. Yes, I used to be of the opinion that if I ignored something for long enough, it would just go away, yeah it would or it would change on its own.

Speaker 4 53:29

yeah, so I can speak from that perspective of saying, like I've had to learn, that for a woman it's very they want you to speak about your feelings.

Speaker 5 53:39

It doesn't matter if it hurts our feelings or what it is. We'd rather you speak about it.

Speaker 4 53:44

We'd rather speak about it, but then we get in trouble.

Speaker 5 53:46

No, but it's….

Speaker 3 53:47

Oh, what this for dinner? Why don't you speak up about it? This is boozy, oh God.

Speaker 5 53:51

That's different, that's a little bit different, want you should?

Speaker 4 53:54

have just spoke up. What do you want?

Speaker 3 53:56

from Maccas. Maccas is garbage.

Speaker 4 54:00

Maccas is garbage. I want a.

Speaker 3 54:02

KFC. What did you speak up? I'm in trouble again.

Speaker 5 54:04

She should have just known to get your KFC, exactly right.

Speaker 4 54:07

You need to stop getting KFC.

Speaker 3 54:09

I love KFC. The kernel's the best.

Speaker 4 54:10

No, it's so unhealthy for you.

Speaker 3 54:12

Anyway, that's a whole other conversation. We should have a K day.

Speaker 4 54:14

No, no, no, no, no um, so yeah, I think, if I can speak from a male's perspective um, it is very tough for us. That doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Yep, I think it's a case of give and take. Have a bit of grace in terms of to say communicate, yep, even if it's not great. Yep, just start somewhere. Yep, just tell me I'm sad, that's easy. Well, I'm not feeling great.

Speaker 5 54:38

Yep.

Speaker 4 54:44

I know my wife and I have this thing that we do sometimes when we're coming home and we'll go where are you sitting at today, where's your battery at? And I'll be like I'm at 40%, I'm at 70%, and then it's like, okay, cool, at least she knows, or I know, that she's either feeling good and she's feeling at 80% or she's feeling really flat today, that she's going to need me to kind of be a little bit more understanding in the situation or be like, hey, is there something I can do to like? But at least in that communication of knowing where we're at, there's understanding, and I think that's the beautiful thing that you're trying to say is that, even if I don't know what I'm feeling, if I'm communicating that at least you understand.

Speaker 5 55:20

Yes, hey, I'm not feeling great Even now. If he's having an off day, I take it personal like.

Speaker 2 55:26

I've done something.

Speaker 5 55:26

Yeah. Which again stems back all the way back 20 years ago.

Speaker 4 55:30

Yeah I say this to my partner all the time is I'll be like are you okay? Yeah, I'm not asking necessarily because I want to know if she's okay. I want to ask because I want to know you're okay with me.

Speaker 5 55:42

yes, because it's an insecurity that I'm feeling and if, like, if he's having a rough time and doesn't want to talk, then I take it personal, like, okay, he's off me. He's had enough of me he's ready.

Speaker 4 55:55

He's ready to go? Yeah, and it's. Which isn't the case. Hopefully it's that security thing and I think, when you've come through the past, that you have security is everything for you.

Speaker 5 56:04

It's taken a long time for me to find any form of security.

Speaker 4 56:07

Yeah.

Speaker 5 56:08

Like I've been through it. I've been through the body dysmorphia. I've been through like I've obviously had the surgeries, the injections. The gym Completely changed. The gym completely changed how I look now compared to back then, and every time I did something to change my appearance, I still wasn't happy with what I was seeing.

Speaker 4 56:26

Because it had to be an internal thing, not an external thing. Yes, yeah.

Speaker 5 56:30

Which I've learned in the past 12 months getting therapy.

Speaker 4 56:33

So yeah, let's talk about that you obviously got to a point where you were like, hey, I've got some shit I need to deal with A lot yeah.

Speaker 5 56:38

I had a very dark time last year.

Speaker 4 56:41

Yeah so again.

Speaker 5 56:43

Only people close to me would have known that.

Speaker 4 56:45

Yeah. So you obviously said okay, I need to go get help and you've now reached out. Can I ask you to expand like some of the things that you've, maybe some of the keys that you would say that you've used?

Speaker 5 56:58

to help with this. I was doing regular counseling.

Speaker 4 57:00

I haven't seen. I'm a big advocate for counseling, by the way.

Speaker 5 57:03

Oh yeah, big time Even just to get it off your chest and get it out in the open, because sometimes that's all you need as well, especially if you're someone like me who suppressed everything, so anytime anything would happen. I never spoke about it.

Speaker 4 57:19

It was just suppressed, because if I don't, speak about it, I don't have to deal with it. Had you seen a counselor prior to?

Speaker 5 57:22

this before I did so. Back when I was in high school, my parents actually took me to a psychologist. I was put on antidepressants, deemed depressed.

Speaker 4 57:33

Yeah.

Speaker 5 57:33

Turns out I was just with an asshole. Yeah, it turns out I was just with an asshole. Yeah, you know what they say.

Speaker 3 57:40

Yeah, bloody Jimmy, they're just fine, you know what I mean. Like antidepressants, the doctors just they're treating the symptom, not the issue.

Speaker 5 57:48

Yeah, exactly. And that's Western medicine, that's what Luke?

Speaker 2 57:52

who was on our previous?

Speaker 4 57:53

podcast who's very much into naturopathy, naturopathy, naturopathy. Thank you. He was saying that that's what Western medicine does, is it treats the symptoms, it doesn't treat the condition. Yes, and so I think that's what you're saying here, is that oh you are feeling sad, so let me give you something to stop you feeling sad rather than be like.

Speaker 5 58:15

Why are you feeling sad when you're in your teens? It's a lot to be told you need to take this to be happy.

Speaker 4 58:21

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 58:22

Like no teens. Obviously some go through a lot more than that, but as a teenager you shouldn't have to resort to that to feel happy. Yeah, Looking back now, it was the situation I was in, not my own issues.

Speaker 4 58:40

Yeah, yeah yeah. Okay. So you went through that and you said, okay, these are the things that I need to do in order to kind of work through the traumas of that.

Speaker 5 58:48

Yep. So when I got to the counsellor I basically had to outlay anything that had happened to me in life. So I gave her a rundown from birth to now and she basically flagged all my current insecurities, all my current issues. They got linked back to this relationship. Any body dysmorphia was linked back to that relationship. Any Any issues I had when feeling outspoken or not heard linked back to that relationship. Even things like dealing like I've got three kids at home, even when I got overstimulated with them and as a parent you lose your shit sometimes Absolutely Even that sort of stuff got linked back to the fact that I wasn't feeling heard with the kids, which was a trigger from not feeling heard back in this relationship. So I actually went through eye movement therapy.

Speaker 4 59:54

It's so popular at the moment it is. It is amazing.

Speaker 3 59:57

Hang on. Sorry to interject. What the hell is eye movement therapy?

Speaker 4 1:00:01

Look, I'm moving my eyes right now. No, no, it's completely different what it's completely different.

Speaker 5 1:00:05

So basically what I went through, the counsellor got me to relive the trauma. So, I had to think back to certain scenarios that had happened, certain situations that had happened to me. I had to say how I was feeling, say… Sorry, technical difficulties. I had to picture that, and then she would get my eyes to move and in doing so. It helped me to deal with the situation. Yeah right. Something. I can't remember the exact specifics. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 3 1:00:38

I've just never heard of it.

Speaker 5 1:00:40

It basically helps you to go back and relive all the trauma and work through it while they're moving your eyes. But it was things like you'd go back and relive a certain scenario and she'd say what colour do you link to that? And you'd have to link a colour. What temperature do you link with that? What shape do you link with that? Whereabouts in your body does it feel Like it feels bizarre to do you link with that? What shape do you link with that? Whereabouts in your body? Does it feel?

Speaker 5 1:01:02

Like it feels bizarre to do yeah it's weird, even the first time I did it I was like what is?

Speaker 3 1:01:05

this Like it felt so bizarre.

Speaker 5 1:01:09

But it would be things like I feel like I've got a red triangle sitting in my chest that's heavy and hot, and then she'd make me work through it. Yeah right, like just by moving my eyes. And she even said, with the movement of my eyes she could tell the anxiety levels dropping. She could tell I was dealing with it. Even things like Are you Googling this? This is a real thing?

Speaker 3 1:01:28

Yeah, it's a real thing. Why just better be pumped?

Speaker 5 1:01:31

Is it E-D-M-R?

Speaker 4 1:01:32

E-M-D-R. E-m-d-r. Yeah right, yes, you focus. The eye movements are similar to rapid eye movement, which is REM sleep, and the goal is to reprocess the memory so it's no longer distressing.

Speaker 5 1:01:44

Yes, so basically it becomes a thing that happened, not something you hold on to.

Speaker 4 1:01:50

Yes.

Speaker 5 1:01:51

So it becomes a memory rather than something you're trapped in. Yeah right, A trauma that you're trapped in.

Speaker 4 1:01:57

It's used a lot to treat PTSD. Oh right, yeah. Well, there you go, PTSD. Yeah right, yeah Well, every day is a school day. I didn't know that.

Speaker 5 1:02:07

To an extent is probably what I had. Well, it is because I probably didn't go and get myself diagnosed with that, but it is, it would be, because that's like you said it plays out after the actual traumatic event happens, so that's why it's called PTSD.

Speaker 5 1:02:24

So that was probably the major thing that helped me, because it was the first time I'd actually dealt with my trauma and even things like. During the treatment I'd start hunched over and as the treatment went on I'd slowly sit up and my shoulders would go back because she could see the relief coming out of me. To begin with, following the treatment it was I probably ended up in a darker place because everything was being brought to the surface, to the point that I ended up in bed, not able to leave bed for a week because I was in such a dark place. And then I went for another treatment and then it went the opposite way my anxiety was through the roof. So it went from having the first treatment to being in the darkest depression.

Speaker 5 1:03:14

I've probably ever been in to then the next treatment after that having probably the highest peaking anxiety I've ever experienced, to the point I had a meltdown at work.

Speaker 5 1:03:26

I don't know if anybody actually knows that except the boss man because I had to call him to get him off my machine and deal with that. So it took probably a solid five sessions before I started to feel the full effects of it and the full I wouldn't say recovery To kind of see the benefits and what was coming through to heal the trauma that you said you were working through. And even things like the way that I deal with my kids. I am a lot more patient now because I don't want them going through the trauma as well. Yeah.

Speaker 5 1:04:05

Even things like if they tell me they've been hit at school, it sends a red flag and triggers me because, I'm like hang on a minute, even though I know that that's what kids do and it's totally different to what I went through, but yeah dealing with that. I've still got a lot to deal with. Don't get me wrong, but from where I was this time last year to where I am now, I've definitely dealt with a lot more, purely because of this counsellor.

Speaker 3 1:04:32

Yeah, good, that's good, that's a good achievement. Yeah, you're a lot better off.

Speaker 5 1:04:37

Yes.

Speaker 3 1:04:37

You know it's only going to get easier the more you do it too yeah that's right.

Speaker 4 1:04:40

Well, I think they liken it to, for instance, if you have a broken bone.

Speaker 5 1:04:45

Yes.

Speaker 4 1:04:46

So if you break a bone and you don't heal it in the right way, they've got to go back, re-break the bone, which is more traumatic, and then from there you've got to start the process of healing all over again, but it grows back stronger and better than before. Yes, so that's obviously the process that you had to work through. You had done this healing, but the healing wasn't correct, so you had to go back re-break it, re-live it.

Speaker 5 1:05:06

I wouldn't even say it was healing yeah. It was just kind of plastered together, dealing with it in my own way. Paper mache.

Speaker 3 1:05:13

Yeah, that's about as well as I was held together.

Speaker 4 1:05:16

Fair enough. Yeah, just some stats that obviously you're talking about domestic violence. In Australia this is as of August 2024, one in four women have experienced domestic violence when it comes to an intimate partner. One in 14 men have experienced violence from a partner.

Speaker 5 1:05:35

That was something I wanted to point out too. It goes both ways. I know, it's very publicized that it's women a lot of the time, but it does go both ways. I know it's very publicized that it's women a lot of the time, but it does go both ways.

Speaker 4 1:05:43

So the stat for that is that 85% of domestic violence cases are women.

Speaker 5 1:05:49

Yep.

Speaker 4 1:05:50

So that still means that 15% are men. Yeah. So this is I don't want to and I know obviously you've experienced it in terms of and shared it from a woman's perspective, but this is, this is a global problem and I want to call it an epidemic because it's massive, it's, it's huge and this is not acceptable.

Speaker 4 1:06:09

Um and so, uh, so that's that's a partner violence, and from an intimate partner, one in four women, one in 14 men. Emotional, obviously, like we said, the manipulation and emotional abuse one in four women, one in seven men. So that's doubles in men, so men experience more emotional abuse than they do physical abuse, which makes sense because physically yeah, physically it'll be tough.

Speaker 5 1:06:33

Generally, a man is stronger than a woman.

Speaker 3 1:06:35

And some girls. Man, they can be just absolutely brutal yeah.

Speaker 5 1:06:41

Sometimes the emotional side of things.

Speaker 4 1:06:43

Does more damage. Yeah, 100%. It's a lot more damaging than the physical, and that's why I said what I said Physical.

Speaker 5 1:06:48

Thank you.

Speaker 3 1:06:49

Keeping people hydrated, hydrated again. Do that for people. He's the water boy over here, but that's why I said what.

Speaker 5 1:06:56

I said yeah.

Speaker 3 1:06:56

Because it is you're 100% right, it is. You're 100% right. It is the more physical damage.

Speaker 4 1:07:01

Well, the emotional often links to the mental, sometimes, yes, which is very tough, and that's not to say that the physical doesn't, but yeah, I feel like the physical can heal quicker.

Speaker 5 1:07:09

It's that whole. Sticks and stones can break my bones. But words, Words, yeah.

Speaker 4 1:07:12

Yeah, that whole thing, that's more power in the words. Side of things, Sexual violence one in five women will experience sexual violence in their lifetime, and this is past the age of 15.

Speaker 5 1:07:24

Sorry this is not before. That was another thing that went through. I wouldn't say violence, but it was the manipulation.

Speaker 4 1:07:29

Yeah.

Speaker 5 1:07:30

If you love me, you'll do this.

Speaker 4 1:07:32

Yeah, yeah. So it's one in five women and one in 16 men experience sexual violence in their lifetime. On average, one woman is murdered by a partner every week in Australia, it's a lot. It's huge, and the US stat for that was 70% of women that go through domestic violence end up being killed by the partner. That's huge. That's two in every three women. So that means that one third of women end up coming out of it like you, kat, to be honest.

Speaker 5 1:08:07

That's why I said at the start I'm one of the lucky ones. Yeah, it's huge and it probably helped I shouldn't say helped, but the fact that I went through it at a younger age, before he got to the point that he could have had that physical strength over me because we were still quite young. That probably was my benefit. I shouldn't say benefit, but that went in my favour. If it had happened this day and age with that same Jimmy, I probably wouldn't be around to tell the story.

Speaker 4 1:08:38

Yeah, a bit different. So domestic violence is one of the leading causes of homelessness for women. Yes, which is huge. It's crazy, I think. Like we said, I think that a few things when it comes to domestic violence is that the, the perpetrator who's committing the violence in this, or or kind of holding the power, is that it's not only the physical power or the emotional power, but it's this power that they feel helpless in this situation. So they take away the finances. Where are you going to go without me? How are you going to support yourself?

Speaker 5 1:09:14

That was another thing I was told. I was convinced no one will ever want you, you'll never be good enough for anyone else. Like, if I'm not with you, no one wants to be with you. So that plays out in your head being told.

Speaker 3 1:09:29

all that too, yeah it surprises me.

Exposing Domestic Violence and Seeking Support

Speaker 4 1:09:32

It takes a toll on you. The last stat I want to just share on this is because I feel like this is quite an important one is that children who have obviously either been involved in a domestic violence kind of relationship with parents. It says, yeah, that many children have witnessed domestic violence, with 418,000 women and 92,000 men reporting that their children witnessed violence. That's literally saw an act of violence in a relationship. That's over half a million people reporting that.

Speaker 5 1:10:08

And that's just what's been reported.

Speaker 4 1:10:10

That's just been what's reported exactly. Yeah. I think this is a stat that I don't feel like. This is a stat that we should be remotely even comfortable with.

Speaker 3 1:10:22

No, not at all.

Speaker 4 1:10:23

Any of these stats.

Speaker 3 1:10:23

let me put it that way I don't feel like this is a stat that we should be remotely even comfortable with. No, not at all Any of these stats. Let me put it that way it's one thing to be like verbal, but it's another thing to see like in front of your kids. Be verbal, but it's another thing to actually be physical in front of them.

Speaker 5 1:10:34

That's not. I feel like it's teaching them the norm. That's exactly right. It teaches them that that's what you deal with that's what you put up with, and then they'll grow up in a vicious cycle where they think it's normal to have that done to them.

Speaker 3 1:10:45

I actually know from firsthand, from a I don't know, I can't remember what like a psychologist or like a domestic violence person or like child protection or whatever is that when kids do grow up in those situations, yeah, exactly what you said, dolly, that it is more likely that they will follow those actions of the father.

Speaker 5 1:11:05

Yeah, They'll either go one of two ways, where they follow in that footsteps and end up with someone exactly the same, or they'll go the complete opposite, with someone who is so soft they won't stand up and protect them they won't do anything because they're the complete opposite.

Speaker 3 1:11:22

Yeah, that sort of unfortunately that damaged for lack of a better term.

Speaker 4 1:11:27

Yes. So let's look at some of the things that we can do in order to get out. So let's just say I am someone who's in an abusive relationship or I'm a victim of domestic violence. Let's look at some of the things that we can do. Kat, I'm going to ask you for personal obviously experience. What are some of the things that you would advise that you would give to someone going through?

Speaker 5 1:11:48

it. Speak up, speak to anyone and everyone that you can, because I think speaking about it is when you gain your power back too, which I've only learnt in the last 12 months gain your power back to, which I've only learned in the last 12 months. So make it known to anyone who will listen that this person has done this. This is how they made me feel, because you gain your power back, but you also warn others too, so they don't go through the same situation as well with that same person.

Speaker 4 1:12:20

Yeah, you and I were talking about this before this and I said I'd listened to a TED Talk prior to this because, like I said, this was probably one of the most nervous I've ever been and I wanted to make as educated well, no, I want to say yes as educated statements as I could, and so I watched and did a bit of research, and one of the things is that I was watching a TED Talk about a woman who had gone through a domestic violence to a point where, like she had a gun point, put her head three times from her partner multiple injuries, broken ribs, broken arms, everything you know and she said the first thing she did when she came out is she shouted it from the rooftops.

Speaker 4 1:12:58

she shouted the fact that this person had done what they had done, told their family, her family, their neighbors, anyone that would listen basically what this person had done, because for them it was a case of to say, if something happened because of the 70% that we said, there would be not a shadow of a doubt of who it would be.

Speaker 3 1:13:20

Take a look at this bloke first. Yeah, shine the light on the at this bloke first, yeah.

Speaker 4 1:13:23

Shine the light on the person that is doing this.

Speaker 5 1:13:25

Yeah.

Speaker 4 1:13:26

And make sure that you're able to get support from the community around you, from people closest to you, and I think that's what you're saying is make it known. Yeah, the power that something holds over you only holds over you if it's in secrecy.

Speaker 5 1:13:42

Yes.

Speaker 4 1:13:43

And we often think that we've got to live with the shame, the judgment of this, but that's not the case.

Speaker 5 1:13:47

And I think too, when you've gone through it, if you've got that trauma bond, you do have some sort of protection for that person too. So you do protect them, you do. Protect their reputation, you do protect their reputation. But that's once you exit that or even before you exit the relationship. But once you exit the relationship you can't hold on to that protection because that will end up worse off for you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 1:14:16

So yeah.

Speaker 5 1:14:16

But there are a lot of support services out there as well, which?

Seeking Help and Resources After Abuse

Speaker 4 1:14:19

we'll definitely get into as well. I just want to add on this I know it's maybe a bit of a hard one sometimes because people don't believe in this, but police is obviously quite a big one. I would say as soon as possible, go lay a case. Get a restraining order is the good one. An RO make sure that the person cannot come within X amount of…. An AVO, An AVO yeah.

Speaker 4 1:14:45

Make sure that that's a big one and then, like you said, seek the help that you need. Like you obviously saying therapy has been such a key for you. It's been what has got me through has got you through the triggers that were triggers aren't triggering me as much anymore. Seek as much help as you can. Say that five times fast.

Speaker 1 1:15:05

Sorry, the things that were triggering me don't as much anymore. Don't get me wrong.

Speaker 5 1:15:09

I still have my days where I'm like whew, this is a lot. But I think the fact that I have spoken openly and got treatment for it helps me to communicate that better. Like. I can wake up and go. I'm having a flat day. I just need you to just have a bit more patience with me today, yeah.

Speaker 4 1:15:29

And I think the key thing for this as well is, once you start opening a medical file on it, you are able to then gain access to a whole lot more resources to help you. So, for instance, like when we're saying, when it comes to the fact that you might feel like you don't have the resources or the finances, or those kind of things, when you start opening these things up, the government has to step in. Now you know there's the Centrelink crisis payments that start to become available for you.

Speaker 4 1:15:56

There's compensation from the victims of crime organization. There's free counseling. That start acting out Emergency accommodation. That's now you're able to access, so the homelessness side of things doesn't become a thing. And then there's obviously increased security measures for you. You have the protection of the police. Obviously you'll be looked after in that aspect.

Speaker 5 1:16:21

You can even get funded to get your security locks changed, security cameras, security alarms, that sort of stuff for your protection.

Speaker 4 1:16:30

Yeah, so these are massive things that I feel are critical when it comes to walking out of an abusive or domestic violence relationship, and so this is maybe some of the things that I would encourage, maybe just seven things I want to just touch on here that we can aim on that I feel would be key in helping anyone who is going through this. The first one is obviously we've said it find supportive friends and family. Get people that are going to get around you, support you, not judge you, yes, but just be there to help you through this Big one. Let go of any form of responsibility. Yep, you said it how many times that you feel like you are the one responsible? Yep, people need to take the limelight of saying that I am the person that's responsible and say I am the victim of this.

Speaker 5 1:17:22

Yep, and that's why you are, which I think is what I found hardest, because I had it convinced to me for so long that I was the one responsible for it all.

Speaker 4 1:17:30

And this is not to sit there and wallow in self-loathing of saying, like you know, I am the one who's now this has all been done, but it's to say this is not my doing, this has all been done, but it's to say this is not my doing. Yes, you know so, so I don't need to hold any responsibility for it. Um, the third thing is know your arts. We've obviously spoken about this. Um, go to the police, uh, go and report it, go to counseling, get that medical stuff and then know what you can then access from that when it comes to the crisis payments, the housing, all of these kind of things. And we will put a whole lot of information in the description of this that we've come to.

Speaker 4 1:18:08

Organizations which I know, kat, you'll touch on once I'm finished here that you can then go to in order to seek assistance. Contact a support group. Whether it's a we're a big advocate for Lifeline, lifeline is huge. Whether it's a we're a big advocate for Lifeline Yep, lifeline is huge. Lifeline may not be the particular people that then deal with the situation, but they will pass you on to people that will be able to help you in the specific area. So Lifeline is huge. 13, 14, 11. Yep, is that, is that, and also when I when I want to say 13, 11, 14, and also what I want to say is Lifeline. We found this out today. Actually, they have a text line. Did you know this?

Speaker 5 1:18:48

Yes, yes, it's so cool. If you don't feel comfortable calling, you can actually send a message. You can send a text message. I've used it. So that would be me, because I don't like calling, I don't like talking, I'm a texter, yes, am.

Speaker 4 1:18:59

I so that number is 0447 13 11 14. So I'll say it one more time 0447. 0447 13 11 14. So if you are wanting assistance from Lifeline that is literally 24 hours, 365 days a week as well, you can text that and someone will text you back, Yep.

Speaker 3 1:19:20

So good so good they're up to date with Yep. It's so good, so good.

Speaker 5 1:19:24

They're up to date with our society.

Speaker 3 1:19:25

That's for sure, absolutely. I can tell from my first experience that's good, yeah, so yeah.

Resources for Domestic Violence Victims

Speaker 4 1:19:31

So quickly zip through this, because I know it's been a long podcast, but it's been very, very informative. So thank you, kat. Last three points look after yourself. Three points, look after yourself. We've said this Make sure you put yourself first.

Speaker 5 1:19:41

Yes, as selfish as that might feel, you've got to put yourself first. Put yourself first Absolutely, because otherwise you'll end up worse off.

Speaker 4 1:19:47

Yeah, seek the help you need. Get support from those around you. Put yourself first. Be selfish in this aspect. Yep.

Speaker 4 1:19:54

Last two things we've spoken about Don't judge yourself Nothing. Nothing you've done, whether you have contributed it or not, it means nothing. Don't judge yourself, because that judgment will be the end of you at the end of the day and then seventh is recognize your strength, the fact that you are willing to get out of this. Take that as the strongest thing that you could ever do in the situation. Like you said, kat, it was the turning point for you, where you were like I deserve better and you sought strength in.

Speaker 4 1:20:22

It was the turning point for you where you were just like I deserve better Yep and you sought strength in that. Yep, Some of the organizations I know you wanted to share some of the ones that you said.

Speaker 5 1:20:29

There's a few out there. Yeah, I know, jenny's Place is big.

Speaker 4 1:20:32

Jenny's Place is huge Carrie's Place. Yeah 1-800-RESPECT. That's a huge one. And that's she linked with Laugh Line? Yes, it's 1-800-RESPECT. So if you can't which will be impossible if you can't get hold of Laugh Line, but if you want to go to 1-800-RESPECT, it's Laugh Line, it's the same.

Speaker 3 1:20:48

I'm pretty sure they also go one further down there. They go into sexual assault calls as well, don't they Like I?

Speaker 4 1:20:53

said, there's a few different strengths. Like I said, if Lifeline necessarily are not dedicated towards domestic violence or whatever, they will put you onto the people that are.

Speaker 3 1:21:05

Yeah, cool, yeah, no, that's all. Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 5 1:21:08

Yeah, you've got White Ribbon Australia.

Speaker 3 1:21:11

Yes.

Speaker 5 1:21:11

Which obviously have their White Ribbon Day as well, to raise awareness, yeah, I love that. Yep. Men's Line, which actually helps support men who might be going through anything as well.

Speaker 4 1:21:23

Because, like we said, this is not only a female thing. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 5 1:21:26

And I actually found a website when I was doing a bit of research, which is yourtoolkitcom, which actually has a checklist with step-by-step instructions of how to exit a DV relationship.

Speaker 4 1:21:38

Yeah, that's funny enough. That's on LaughLines. Is it that's on LaughLines? Is it that's on LaughLines website as well? I?

Speaker 3 1:21:43

want that that's cool, your toolkit, so it basically gives you a guide on if you're looking to exit a domestic violence relationship.

Speaker 5 1:21:50

It tells you how you should do it. It gives you a step-by-step instruction and checklist so you can go through and do the first step. Once you've done that, you move to the second step.

Speaker 3 1:21:59

That's awesome.

Speaker 5 1:21:59

That's really cool so that's for anyone who has no idea where to begin or how to start to exit that relationship.

Speaker 4 1:22:06

I encourage anyone to go onto Lifeline Australia's page as well. They've got a huge bunch of resources on there, and one of the things I pulled up here was some of the steps and stats, a fact sheet on domestic violence, and one of the resources they offer up here was some of the steps and stats, a fact sheet on domestic violence, and one of the resources they offer is that toolkit one.

Speaker 5 1:22:25

Yes, so it's incredible. When I looked at it, I was like that is amazing Because if you are someone who's stuck and you have no idea where to begin, especially if you've got kids or you're in a situation where you've got no idea where to begin. It gives you clear instructions on. This is where you should begin.

Speaker 3 1:22:43

Yeah.

Speaker 5 1:22:44

And then, once you've done that, you go to the next step.

Speaker 4 1:22:46

Yeah, that's awesome, that's really good. So a lot of resources, a lot of tools, and then obviously, there's obviously a lot more than there's a lot more than that, but those are just some of the ones that we have obviously put through.

Speaker 3 1:22:59

We'll chuck them in our episode notes anyway.

Speaker 4 1:23:03

But yeah, I want to say, kat, thank you so much for sharing your story. Thank you for being brave. I'm still shaking like a brick sheet, that's perfectly fine, but thank you, because you have no idea who this might actually help through in sharing your story.

Speaker 5 1:23:21

Look, I hope it can just help one person. If one person is going through it and can get help to get out 100%.

Speaker 4 1:23:27

That's exactly what we advocate.

Speaker 3 1:23:29

She's got the balls to step up. Have you ever heard?

Speaker 4 1:23:31

the story about the starfish, the kid and the starfish.

Speaker 3 1:23:33

No, it must be a South African story, no man.

Speaker 4 1:23:37

So there's this beach full of starfish that have obviously washed up on this beach, yeah. So there's this beach full of starfish that have obviously washed up on this beach, yeah. And there's this kid who is running along picking up a starfish and throwing it back into the ocean Sounds like something Chev would do.

Speaker 5 1:23:48

Yeah, I do 100%.

Speaker 4 1:23:51

This man comes to this kid and says you know there's so many starfish on this. Like, what are you doing? You're never going to be able to do it all, it's not going to matter what you're doing. This kid says it might not matter in the greater scheme, but it's going to matter to that starfish and it's going to matter to that starfish and every starfish. He says it doesn't matter but it'll matter to that one To that one. And that's the beautiful thing about what we're doing. Yep.

Speaker 4 1:24:12

And what you're saying is it might not necessarily be something that reaches millions of people, but if it matters to that one, or that one, that one person that's listening right now.

Speaker 3 1:24:20

that goes. She involves a step up. So your bravery, yeah, your bravery.

Speaker 5 1:24:24

It's definitely shaped me into the person I am, because I'm a lot harder these days yeah. I have barriers too. Like it takes a lot to break a barrier down these days.

Speaker 4 1:24:35

They're cool and that's cool. That's all it's about. So thank you, Kat, for having me on the podcast.

Speaker 5 1:24:39

Thank you for having me. You're welcome.

Speaker 4 1:24:40

Thank you, we appreciate you and obviously we stand in the message that we do not accept any form of domestic violence.

Speaker 3 1:24:49

Absolutely not, yep. Any person that hits a woman deserves the shit kicked in. It doesn't matter if it's hitting or oh well, yeah, we do not stand for any form of violence or abuse in any form shape so thank you for sharing that.

Speaker 4 1:25:01

We stand with you and your cause to fight this.

Speaker 5 1:25:04

And we're a big advocate. I'm glad I've gone on the journey to recovery. I've still got a long way to go, but the first step's taken.

Speaker 4 1:25:11

Absolutely. Anyone who has listened to this who might need any form of help or counselling in this aspect, like we start off our podcast, seek assistance from Laughline 131114. If you want to text that number, 0447 131114, text Laughline Yep they will be able to help you access whatever resource you may need or help you may need. Reach out to them.

Speaker 4 1:25:37

Yeah, they're great If you want to yeah, obviously we thank you for joining us on this podcast. We thank you for enjoying this journey with us, and we just want to continue to shed light on things that matter.

Speaker 3 1:25:45

Yeah of course.

Speaker 4 1:25:46

And things that are shaping this world. So, kat, thank you for being a part of that with us. We appreciate you.

Speaker 5 1:25:51

Thank you for having me Appreciate it.

Speaker 4 1:25:52

You have joined the Leave the Light On podcast community, yeah, and we appreciate you so much for having the bravery to share your story and thank you for just being who you are. That's okay. You shine the light where you are and in the sphere that you are. So thank you.

Speaker 3 1:26:06

Shane, do you want?

Speaker 4 1:26:07

to share the socials.

Speaker 3 1:26:08

Yeah, yeah. So we're on Facebook, which is just Leave A Lot On Podcast. We're on Instagram, which is at Leave A Lot On Podcast. Yeah, we've got Shane's favorite TikTok at Leave. A Lot On Podcast. Yeah, we're on YouTube. Good work, mick. Yeah, youtube, we're on YouTube. We're also on, like our website, leavealotonpodcastcomau, so check that out. That's where you find all of our merchandise. Yeah, and you can also, if you wish to take the extra plunge, you can sign up and be a crew member yeah, so $4.95 a month and you get extra stuff.

Exploring Support Resources for Survivors

Speaker 4 1:26:43

Yeah, and also on our website. If you need any resources or anything like that, we'll have Lifeline oh 100%. All the details on there are linked to their website as well. So if you're looking for anything and that's not only Lifeline we're going to get on board with, like Jenny's Place, Carrie's Place, place like you, said Mary's place. There's so many places yeah so many places there's a place for everyone.

Speaker 4 1:27:02

Shev's place where every voice belongs come over you should see my place, it's clean as yeah, before we get into this thank you very much for joining us everyone we obviously appreciate it we appreciate it and we hope that you have a good week and thank you for joining us and from us stay safe, stay safe hey, thanks for listening.

Speaker 2 1:27:25

We hope you managed to gain some insight from today's episode. Jump onto our socials and reach out, and until next time, wherever you are, let's leave a light on.