How to Heal and Break Free from Toxic Patterns and Embrace Self-Love. With Stephanie McPhail

In this uplifting episode of "Soulful Self-Care Conversations," host Pearl Chiarenza welcomes Stephanie McPhail, a love and life success coach specializing in toxic relationship recovery. Stephanie shares her journey from childhood aspirations of teaching to empowering women to leave unhealthy relationships and rediscover their self-worth. The conversation highlights the impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships and the crucial role of positive self-talk. Listeners will gain insights into setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-care, and embracing their inner voice to foster fulfilling, supportive connections. Tune in for an inspiring discussion on healing and self-empowerment.

 In this episode:

• The significance of soulful self-care in personal well-being.
• The impact of childhood experiences on adult relationship dynamics.
• The role of self-talk in shaping self-worth and relationship choices.
• The importance of recognizing and addressing feelings related to toxic relationships.
• Strategies for evaluating and nurturing supportive social circles.
• The concept of "balcony people" and their influence on personal growth.
• The necessity of setting boundaries to foster healthy relationships.
• The connection between self-acceptance and creating a fulfilling life.
• The journey of healing from toxic relationships and the importance of self-compassion.
• The potential for community support in navigating personal challenges and transitions.

Book your SHERO Roadmap Call now and start creating the life you deserve! https://go.thryv.com/site/4uvhoqjgwcqh5scc/online-scheduling?service=ti1ji4melqygqt7u

Stephanie McPhail is a Toxic Relationship Recovery Expert.

She is a certified Crisis Counselor and Coach
with a Double Masters Degree in Health and Education and a Bachelors in Psychology.

https://www.beinglovedshouldnthurt.com
Gift/book a call

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Linkedin https://linkedin.com/in/stephanie-mcphail-~toxic-relationship-expert~-i-help-women-heal-after-toxic-relationships~-12079a40
Podcast https://www.toxiclovepodcast.com
YouTube https://youtube.com/@BeingLovedShouldntHurt

Follow Pearl on
social media TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook: @Pearlchiarenza

Go to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.wsliving.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Remember to embrace your inner pearl, nourish yourself, and find balance in life. Stay
true to your authentic self and continue working on your personal growth.

Transcript

Stephanie McPhail 00:00:00  Hi, my name is Stephanie McPhail and I am a love and life success coach. I am so excited to be here on soulful Self-care conversation today.

Music 00:00:08  Sunshine, good to see you again. Had to walk out to let you back in. Stuck in a storm of a relationship. Lost my fire. Oh, and I forgot about me for way too long. But its rolled on. Now that ain't no shade.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:00:28  Hey everybody it's Pearl at Women's Successful Living and we are back with another episode of soulful Self-care conversations. And these are always so much fun. I'm really loving the new vibe that we're doing here with the renaming of the show from conversations with Pearl, because we really are deep diving into some really soulful self-care conversations like, how are you pouring into your soul so that you can pour into others that you love and care for, including whether it's your personal life, your business, or your professional career? And so today is no different. I have an amazing guest today. Her name is Stephanie McPhail and she has a toxic relationship, a recovery expert.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:01:03  She is a certified crisis counselor and coach with a double master's degree in health and education and a bachelor's in psychology. She specializes in helping professional women leave toxic relationships and empower themselves after divorce or breakup so they can stop repeating old patterns moving forwards. Be happy, whether single or in a relationship. Stephanie is a host at the top. 2.5% new and noteworthy Toxic Love Transformation podcast and the host of a weekly cable show. She is the author of Being Loved Shouldn't Hurt and has been featured on NBC, ABC, Fox and New York Weekly, just to name a few spots. She is also on the core Council of experts for Iowa University. And I don't know if I said that. Right. So definitely correctly.

Stephanie McPhail 00:01:46  But that's okay.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:01:48  So I'm so excited to have this conversation with you today, Stephanie, because truly, like toxic relationships, you know, it's not even with others, but even with ourselves, we can have a toxic relationship with ourselves too. So we're going to deep dive into that today.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:02:00  So if you're listening to us on podcast platforms, please, you know, drive carefully, but grab a neighbor if you can, sit down and have a cup of tea or coffee with them, or if you're watching us on YouTube, thank you so much. Like and subscribe below because we want you to hear more of these amazing experts we bring on our show. But grab a pen and paper because we're going to deep dive. And if you are new to the show, we're going to do something that we do every time we open the show. And if you are watching and listening for the first, second or millionth time, we're so excited to have you back. So, Stephanie, here we go. I always like to open up with this question. You know, when we're little, I always like to talk to the inner child for a moment. We start on the show. So when we're little girls, you know, we have these big dreams, and we want to, you know, grow up and be an astronaut.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:02:47  The president of the United States, a mom, you know, maybe a businessperson, whatever that looks like for us. And then as we get older and, you know, life starts to happen and we hit the Happy adulthood. That can sometimes change from what that goal was for that little girl inside. So I want to talk to little Stephanie right now, and I would love for you to tell us what did she want to be when she grew up, when she grew up? And how does that correlate to what the big girl Stephanie is doing today?

Stephanie McPhail 00:03:15  Well, okay, so the funniest thing is, is that what I wanted to be as a little girl is literally what I am. you know, it's I was a little girl, and I was I'm like the first picture. I have it switched in, like teenage years, but my original thing is that I wanted to be a teacher, and I had my little green desk with my little chalkboard on it, and I would set up people like my people right in the classroom.

Stephanie McPhail 00:03:39  And I had them set up in front of me, and I would teach them, and then I would write things on my little whiteboard. And so there's a picture of me, like with my head, like on the desk, with my with my students, quote unquote, stuffed animals sitting in front of me. And I was actually a teacher for 18 years. And, you know, and in between all that, I have been coaching and doing speaking events and things like that. So I was pretty. I was pretty aware without realizing it.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:04:06  I love that because that's so much like my dream. I have the same goal. You know, growing up, I always thought I wanted to be I wanted to be a teacher. my high school I went to, they actually had this, like, in my senior year of high school, and I graduated in 1982. So I'm really aging myself. But they had this program and we could go do these work things. So I, I would leave midday at the afternoon and I'd go to the local elementary school near my high school, and I would help be like a teacher assistant with the with the elementary school teacher.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:04:32  And so it was always, you know, a lot of fun because I got to do all these fun things as a teacher, quote unquote. Let me teach you a couple of classes of elementary kids. And so I laughed because I was telling my friend this just a couple of weeks ago, I was like, yeah, I wanted to be a teacher when I grow up. And if I look back, probably the kids that I was going to be teaching, they're all adult women now that I'm coaching, you know. So it's kind of. It's really cool how that, you know, plays out and correlates together. And so thank you for. Thank you for letting us talk to the little Stephanie for a few minutes.

Stephanie McPhail 00:05:05  I love it.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:05:06  So let's get into the world of toxic relationships. You know, and like I said, we have it with ourselves sometimes. And then and also, I think. And you, you're the expert in this area. But I feel sometimes how we talk to ourselves is also a way of who we attract to ourselves as well.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:05:23  Right. What are your thoughts on that?

Stephanie McPhail 00:05:26  You know, I actually this is this is really funny. So I just did a short TikTok video, Instagram video where I was at the gym and I literally the the video just says, hey, someone told me I had a nice ass today at the gym. Can you believe it? And then I said it was me. I was someone and because I 100% agree with that, how often I mean 20 year old me would have not even thought about myself that way. I would have looked in the mirror as I was working out and been like picking all the things I didn't like about my body. And so often, I mean, our body is the most beautiful, precious gift. We can't do anything without it. So why are we so mean to it? And so I really, you know, it really is amazing what we've been trained of, how to talk to ourselves. Because if we're talking to ourselves that way, that we have it lowers our expectations of who like if we don't feel attractive, we're going to let people that are not so nice to us in general come into our lives.

Stephanie McPhail 00:06:22  We're going to accept things that we shouldn't accept because we don't feel worthy. We don't feel like we should be loved. You know, we should be accepted for who we are. And so, yeah, I think, I think we are really hard on ourselves. And I think that's something that if we want to create healthier relationships, we've got to start with being less hard on ourselves and fixing that part first.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:06:42  And it's such a great point, like how we self talk to ourselves, I, I, you know, it reminds me we're talking about little, we're little and things like that. For me, like at a very young age I learned people pleasing. You know my dad did three tours in Vietnam, so my mom was raising us three kids. And so I became that person in third grade, actually would take care of my brother and sister while my mom had to go to work. And of course, dad wasn't home. And so that people pleasing came into play. And then you know that self-talk of, well, I have to take care of others.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:07:11  I have to do for others, you know, otherwise I, you know, they think I don't like them. You know, all those that I'm selfish, all those thoughts come into play. And for me, I you know, I look at my, my siblings and I see where I was able to sort of break free from it and how their exposure longer term to it change because, you know, my dad came home, I think my time at home with Vietnam, I was like around 10 or 12 years old. I was older, and so I was then, you know, I'm babysitting. I'm doing all these things. So, you know, get me out of the house, you know, go and play with my friends and things like that. But and so at like 17, you know, I tell the story. And if you're listening for the first time, I share the story about actually, I've divorced my parents because of their behaviors and the things they said are done not just to me, but for my kids as well.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:07:58  But when I look back, I'm blessed that, you know, for whatever reason, God told me, okay, it's 17. You're going to be able to go out and live on your own and you know you're going to graduate high school while you're still living at home, but you're going to this is what I've got planned for you. And, you know, I often say to my friends, if I had known about emancipation, I might have even done that and gone with my girlfriend and her family. But my journey is my journey. And so the self-talk, you know, I'm I'm glad I have that. And I, I tell myself I'm all the time I'm thankful for that because the toxicity of what my sister and brother went through with the way my father treated my mother, and the way my mother accepted it and didn't understand that, you know, your Catholic beliefs are great, and if I'm Catholic and everything, however, I don't believe God wants you to stay in a relationship that's a narcissist, you know, behavior gaslighting situation.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:08:48  And so watching my siblings grow up in that because my brother was seven years younger than I am, so he was had more exposure to my dad's behaviors that I see some of that in him. My brother is an amazing guy, so don't get me wrong, but I do see some of the tendencies that he has that he works on because of being around that toxic relationship with our parents. And so it's interesting because when I met my husband, who we've been together 40 years now, I remember when I first met him and we were living together, he we would have a disagreement. And I learned the only thing I knew for communication was just shut down. And don't say anything. You just get mad at the person for sometimes two weeks at a time, and you come home and oh, you're not walking on eggshells anymore. And so my husband was not from that kind of family. It's like you talked everything out. You worked it, you know, had communication. And so I would do the shutdown.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:09:37  And so he would be like, what's wrong? I'm like, I don't talk to you right now. And so finally he taught me by him doing this, that taught me open up, speak and share. He would start having the conversation for me and he'd be like, yeah, well, I think this. And I was like, I would not have said that to you, right. And so it he was able to show me. I mean, we met when I was 19 years old, but he was able to show me what a true good relationship looks like. You know, and but I feel like if I had not had that opportunity to move out and do the things that I did, I might have been in other relationships, especially from a female perspective, that were men that were like my father, you know, and and I think, you know, we talked oftentime about that. You know, again, going back to that, that little girl. But what, what up until that seven years of age and affects those relationships that we may have in the future.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:10:24  And so what would love to hear your thoughts on that and have a conversation around, you know, around that. And then also, you know, I know that that's what you help women because I feel like I had a really good friend that was in a really bad, toxic relationship, and watching the struggles for years and years to get out of it, to break free and leave and go back. Leave and go back. It's like that rubber band. And so I love that. Let's dive into that. So I'm gonna open up. You start us where you want to start us on all that?

Stephanie McPhail 00:10:51  Well, there there was so much good stuff there. I mean, one of the things of just like being the oldest, we find a lot of the clients that we work with. And I was in the same boat as you are. I was the one who took care of the rest of the family because parents couldn't handle it for whatever reason. You know, they didn't have emotionally couldn't.

Stephanie McPhail 00:11:06  They were, you know, had their own stuff going on. They were busy with work. But I was the one who was very much the go between. So I took care of my younger siblings. I also left the house at 19 to move out and go live on my own. So you know, I get that part. You are very much not the norm for being able to get out and marry a great guy, so kudos to him and kudos to you because that is a beautiful, amazing thing. That is not the common thing. Normally what people do is they go and they find what home feels like. And if home feels stressful and overwhelming and having to prove yourself, that's what we subconsciously go out and look for, because that's what we think is normal. So one of the things like, so you had a friend that was going that back and forth, the reason why she was doing that is because home probably felt stressful and overwhelming, and it felt like something you had to prove, and it felt like it gave her like anxiety.

Stephanie McPhail 00:12:00  And so when she found that in a partner, she was like, oh, that's what love is. Let me try to make this work. And so what we do is we literally recreate those same patterns of childhood into our adult relationships. And until we heal what home feels like. And so for me, home is it's it's what's in my heart and my what's in my heart. My home is, you know, for me, it was well, love was uncomfortable. So therefore my childhood, that was what home was. And then once you heal that part and you're like, wait, home should be easy. Going home should be safe. Home should be the place that you go to unwind. And you don't have to deal with all the craziness that's going on in the world. When you create that subconscious feeling of what it is, then you don't allow the other stuff. The other stuff comes in and you're like, nope, not feeling it, not into it, and you're not afraid of speaking up for yourself because you know that you are worthy and you know that if this relationship doesn't work out, you will be more than happy on your own and more than willing and able to find another relationship that's going to better suit you.

Stephanie McPhail 00:12:58  Most of us are so afraid of being alone and so afraid that we're the problem, that we settle for breadcrumbs and we accept things that we should never accept.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:13:07  I'm just not going mic drop all over the place like you. You. You said something. Yes. First of all, I know I am very blessed. I you know, I am completely, 100% blessed. I was also blessed with amazing, amazing in-laws. Even my in-law family. You know, I don't call them in-law family really anymore. But even from that side of perspective, and I tell I, you know, my, my mother in law and father in law, they're not here anymore. But I tell them all the time, I'm one of the extra blessings I had was I got to see what true parenthood looked like. The true love looked like from that, from family and parenthood. And so now, in today's world, when, you know, I talk about how I divorced my parents and a lot was because of behaviors.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:13:44  You know, I literally I basically wrote an obituary to my father and sent it to all my siblings. And, you know, just like three days ago, he found me on telegram and sent me this message. And I'm like, you need to leave me alone. I have forgiven you. But, you know, deathbed forgiveness does not happen with me. That's between you and God, you know, and so people can understand it. And then my mom, you know, I had stretched my mom for a little bit longer from my, my life because of her behaviors. And when she came back in and she thought some of the things out of love we were trying to do for her, she she wanted to use it in other ways because her end game, again, being a narcissist, was something totally different than what we're trying to provide for her. I was like, I can't do this, you know, I need to make those, you know, relationships on those boundaries. And people will say to me, this is so interesting.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:14:31  I've had three more people say to me, especially when I speak at events and I share the story, whether your parents have been divorced, your parents and I look at them and I go, okay, let me ask you it this way. If they were my spouse and my partner, Would you say I should stay with that person? And they look back and they take a step back and they're like, oh, I never thought about it that way. Exactly. We, you know, we have a right to choose once we, like you said, once I know in my soul, my heart and what my home is and my heart. I love how you said that to what my home was in my heart. I knew the relationships I needed to have or not have. And you know, and I and I don't have regrets. I know that I can put my head down at night. No, I did everything and anything for both those relationships and, you know, and and, you know, it's not to say the door is never completely closed, but it's on them to show their actions.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:15:18  And if their actions can't match up to my expectations, then I have a fence around my life for them right now. You know, and I but I really want to hone in to what you said home feels like. Because you're right. Our home growing up, it's what we go search for oftentimes. And until we you know, and it's interesting, we talk about we keep going back to that inner child. But until we heal that that stuff that we grew up with, and I laugh, I, I share about this on another one of my podcast episodes where I have this small group, it's called the Shira League and it came out of Covid. I saw this thing where, you know, I saw women online in in bad relationships, in relationships. I got to take care of my kids all day long. Like this. Overwhelm I call it that. I need a Calgon take me away mode, but I'm not allowed to leave my house like this. Overwhelming. So many like, were like.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:16:05  I didn't realize how much I didn't like my spouse. I didn't realize how much our relationship was bad for me. I saw that showing up. So we started this cheerleading program. And one of the things that we're trying to do in the in that it stands for strong, happy, empowered, radiant and original self. And one of the projects we were trying to work on was like healing the Inner Child. And it was so interesting. We actually had to stop at Stephanie. We actually had to stop the program, that quadrant, because they kept blocking and blocking. And I'm like, you guys are just not ready to open this until you're ready to open. I had 1 or 2 that were like, we continued on separately, but they were like, my life was fine. Everything was fine. I'm like, you are saying that, but you're not believing it. You're in your heart of heart. You're not believing it. And so I love what you said. Like we have to heal that, that inner soul.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:16:52  And so when you work like, you know, when you work with your clients, like they're coming in and, you know, like I remember my girlfriend, she really struggled like, well, I'm never going to find anybody that loves me, you know that. You know who's going to love me? Because I've been I'm so broken all these things. And if you're listening to us and you're hearing and telling you that. So first of all, I just want to say you're loved and you can heal. I just want to say that right now. So, Stephanie, will you talk to that that lady that's like listening to us right now and maybe having those thoughts for us.

Stephanie McPhail 00:17:20  Okay, so I have that conversation daily with clients. This is you are not alone in feeling. That is a very common thing. And so the you know, anyone if they're maybe still in that relationship and they're like, I'm just I feel so alone, but I'm afraid to leave because then I really will be alone or they're going through the process or on the other side, there's all these fears that come up, but you have been alone.

Stephanie McPhail 00:17:39  You've just been in a relationship. You've been with someone where you feel alone. That actually feels way worse than you being alone and out of the relationship. Because here's what here's what healing or here's the the fun part of healing. One of the things that I want everyone to to think about is, what are your friendships like? What are the things that you enjoy doing? For a lot of us. Our our our side gig, if you will, with working on the relationship. We're spending hours of energy, of time, of everything in that relationship, trying everything to make it work. And so we are focusing on that instead of focusing on ourselves. And so because of that, we don't do the things that we enjoy doing. We don't have those groups of friendships anymore. Maybe we surround ourselves with other people who are also in unhealthy relationships. Maybe we've lost those relationships because the healthy ones don't want to deal with it anymore, because they don't like what they're seeing either. Maybe we've never experienced a healthy relationship.

Stephanie McPhail 00:18:44  Maybe we've never put ourselves first. Maybe we've never had healthy boundaries. So we want to look at the first thing is look at where you're at. So where what kind of friendships do you have? What kind of outlets do you have to really help you go out there and know who you are? So that's something that's really important to do. Another thing is, is that I come from a very holistic perspective. So I also want you to look at how much. So you'll you'll see me for once while I'm sipping on a green smoothie. I make everybody have an anti-inflammatory green smoothie. It's made with flaxseed, spinach, fruit, water, all sorts of good stuff. But it's there because I had so many health issues when I was dealing with this toxicity, because toxicity causes inflammation. And if you look at lupus, if you look at actually even more, if you look at cancers, you look at all those kinds of things. Some of the root causes are inflammation and stress causes direct inflammation.

Stephanie McPhail 00:19:35  So it depends on what your family history is and what you're more prone to. But we tend to see. I've seen a lot of women with breast cancer. I've seen a lot of clients that have had different types of like lupus or, those kinds of autoimmune disorders. And so there's all these health issues come up. So we want to make sure that you're taking care of you. You're going to the gym I don't care. You don't have to do like a crazy workout. You can walk at the gym, you know, go to get get enough water. Most of my clients are prunes. They come to me and they're drinking 20oz of water a day, ladies. 96oz of water every day. I know that sounds crazy, but that's actually a watch we're supposed to have. So. And you can do it. And I promise that when you do it, you're like, oh my gosh, I didn't realize I could drink that much water. But those kind of things, because we don't have time to make that weight.

Stephanie McPhail 00:20:22  I'll take that back. We say we don't have time. We do. We're just not using our time effectively. So those are two really big things of just learning how to take care of ourselves. And I'll just say a third thing is making sure that we practice the pause. And what I mean that by that, because most of us don't have boundaries. And so practicing the pause is a good way to practice not using up all of our energy on everybody else. So if somebody says, hey, can you bake cookies for the cookie sale tomorrow? Your immediate response might be like, sure, of course I can. I want because we want to feel needed. We want to feel worthy. So if we practice the pause instead, we say, let me get back to you. And then even if it's the five minutes later, if we think about it, how am I going to feel? Does that overwhelm me? Does that make my heart pound in my chest? We really check in with ourselves, and then we can come back and say, you know what, actually, I have too much going on, I appreciate it.

Stephanie McPhail 00:21:13  I'm sorry that I can't, you know, but, you know, maybe the next time, good luck with the cookie exchange or I can't wait. I love baking cookies. I'm gonna do it tonight. I have no problem with it. But check in, because so often we say yes to things that we should say no to. And we should say no to things that we should say yes to.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:21:31  I am going to remember I wrote down practice to pause. I love that part there and everything you shared too, about, you know, about. Taking that pause is so important. But like what you said, the whole the relationship and that you're right, toxicity, all of that happens. And yes, you can drink 96oz of water. I was sitting here laughing, going, I haven't made myself do that recently, but I need to get back on track with that, you know, because it's so true. And and you're right, like, you spend so much more time on that relationship within a relationship with yourself.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:22:00  And so if you're listening to us right now, if you were to stop and say, if I, if I set that relationship aside and really started working on me, does that make me happy? That's one of the things that I do with my clients when I start working with my clients is, I like when you talk about how does home feel? And, you know, does it make how does it light? Does it light me up kind of thing. And I make my clients do a list and I'm like, and and they're like, oh, I can get that done. I'm like, no, no, no. Your first six weeks with me are going to be identifying ten things on your list. I'm like, why is it going to take me six weeks to do ten days, right. Because we're going to break it down like you can tell me, like going to the beach brings you joy, but why does it bring you joy? And then you give me that answer and you're like, well, why does that bring you joy? I'm gonna, you know, really break it down.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:22:41  So it's interesting as we do that and I watch and I help my clients and coach the women I do through that. Oftentimes, especially when it comes to relationships, they'll identify that, oh, that relationship went, you know, that job, whatever that relationship is, or even the one with self is not healthy for me. You know, I'm not taking time to pause. I'm not taking time to say no to something. I'm not understanding that no is a complete sentence. And I can say it as happy as I say yes. And as we start working on that and, you know, start putting self first, then I love I'm still going to go back to it. That's how home feels like. It starts feeling good. The pause I take it to another extreme. At least once a quarter I take a what I call staycation. I'm actually taking a kind of a mini one this weekend. I'm actually leaving. I'm recording this with you on a on a Wednesday. I'm leaving tomorrow.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:23:29  It's the Thursday to go to Pennsylvania, which it's when I recorded this, you guys, it was very, very cold up there. And I'm leaving Tampa, Florida for the cold, but I'm going one again some time away for myself, but two helping one of my clients slash friends start her launch her first event she's ever holding. And to have that space like, you know, it's something I encouraged her. I'm like, it's a great thing for me to kind of get away. And you know that. Pause. I love taking staycations. I love taking that little mini, you know, and even it doesn't mean you have to go somewhere exotic. It just be going to the beach for the day or going for a walk or park, whatever that is for you, or just sitting outside for ten minutes. You know, I think like you said, it's we have to remember that to show up and, and find home in our in our heart. We've got to find a way to put ourselves first.

Stephanie McPhail 00:24:13  But yeah, yeah. And I'll say to you, I mean, I recommend. So like when I work with clients, I have them do a daily accountability sheet because again, we are we tend to be terrible at self-care. it's like, well, I have to make myself a priority. That feels so weird. I want to focus on everybody else. And I'll tell you right now, that's an avoidance technique, because looking at ourselves feels really uncomfortable. So like lean in instead of leaning away. But one of the things is like, what have I done to take care of myself today? So, you know, having the green smoothies, drinking your water, getting your exercise in, having some meditation, doing some of those things that really take care of you. Once a week. When's your break? If you're not going to slow down, you're not going to be able to keep going at the level that you're going. We actually there's a lot of studies that even the highest level executives, they have to like, if they don't make themselves slow down, they actually get sick, they have burnout, they have all these other issues that come up.

Stephanie McPhail 00:25:02  So once a week, and if you can't do it for a full day, a half a day, Sundays, for me or my slow days, it tends to be like I stay in bed, I'll be on my phone in the morning like I have a big breakfast. I don't really do that. Like everything is slower. I just kind of relax into where my pajamas during. You know, as long as I want. That's kind of how my, my day works. And then like every, you know, it could be once a month if you can do that. Or maybe it's every few months, go away for a weekend. Do something where you're rejuvenate, you're hanging out with friends, you're going somewhere different, but you're having a little adventure because life is not meant to be the same boring thing every single day. We've got to have something to look forward to, to reward yourself for. To say like, hey, this is life is to be able to go see new things and have new experiences and share new stories with different people.

Stephanie McPhail 00:25:48  I mean, that's great. And now for if you're an introvert, you're like, you're like, that sounds terrible. Even for you introverts, you should also be looking to interact with new people. Yes, having your time by yourself to, you know, recharge. But everybody, we are social creatures. Find your people that you can feel totally safe with and comfortable with, and go have those adventures by yourself. Find other people to do them with, but go and have those adventures.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:26:11  You just remind me of two stories that's so important. So I'm going to talk to the person who's, you know, an everyday person like us. I'm going to talk to that professional person for a second because it reminded me of two stories. One's mine and one's, Meghan Trainor, when she had her first child. I don't know if you've heard the story which talks about how she didn't love her body, like she just was, like she didn't love her body. And she was going to a therapist.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:26:32  And she had shared the story where her therapist like, I want you to say in front of the mirror naked, I want you to find something beautiful in your body. Right? She's like, oh, I don't understand. Listen, if you're listening to us right now and I told you, stand in front of a mirror. Make it. How does it make you feel? It doesn't feel comfortable for some of us, right. So she's like, okay, let's do this. And she said, I think it took her maybe two weeks, don't quote me on it. But she said all of a sudden she's like, oh, I have that role there because I gave birth to my, my son, you know, so to identify. Yeah, we look at ourselves and maybe you look at it as a flaw. It's really not a thought, something amazing. I mean, like for me, you know, we lost our son. It'll be three years ago this July in a tragic car accident.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:27:08  And I remember probably about six months to maybe a year after he passed. I remember on this one, I, I had, like, these little wrinkles. And I was like, where do I have to go? Like, I'm looking at where did this come from? And I realized that when I equate it to like the timing, I'm like, oh, those are the tears that I shed. You know, those are the markings of the tears that I shed in the loss of, of Matthew. And, and so it's it's interesting like what you said about those. Those stories about how they they don't have to define us. But there are beautiful things that are on us. You know, we we look with flaws, but they're they've got a beautiful story. If you really sit down and think about it. And then the other end of the spectrum, like if you're a professional person and you have a team, I remember I worked for a telecom company. I'm really going to age myself here.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:27:52  This is before you could go online and make your payment online. You had to mail your check in. And it was when you had, you had to pay for your long distance service and your telephone and your landline. I had the team that we would have to process the payments before the end of the month for them, and we were salaried, and we were required to dress in three piece suits to come to work. And so the last like seven days of the month, ten days of the month, my staff, we would be at the office. So sometimes 1:00 in the morning. And so I started seeing the burnout. Like you're talking about that whole burnout, like I'm here all day long. I got to be here at 830 in the morning. So I was like, I gotta do something. This is long before I even thought about coaching or none of this I do today, and I start dividing my team up into groups. I'm like, okay, at this time, you go for a walk and this time you go for a walk.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:28:35  And interesting enough, my other my other team leads from other departments are like, oh, my staff is getting mad because your staff is going for walks and and they already get lunch. I'm like, well, if your staff wants to stay and help us process payments. So midnight, I'd be happy to have people on and I don't have to give my staff those breaks, you know? But of course, there's always no. But I realize, you know, we have we have to do things like that to uplift others, to make sure that they are taking care of them. So sometimes we have to force somebody to take care of themselves. Sometimes we have to make that happen and and get them out there to do that. And, and and make them take that practice to pause as we're, as we're saying, I know that one of the things I always ask my guests, for those that are listening and watching, is I always ask them to share their, their Shiro journey. Like, you know what? What enable them.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:29:21  What was the moment that was like self-care, had to make had to make a priority in your life. And I would love for you to share about your Shiro journey, if you would, with us for a few minutes. I know part of it came from your divorce and the things that you that came up from that. So would you share your share of journey with the others?

Stephanie McPhail 00:29:38  Yeah. So I'm going to do an ultra mini version. And so you'll have to go check out my podcast. And if you want the full thing because it definitely is longer. However, it was really it was I had just went from one unhealthy relationship to another one. I married someone that really should. I should not have. I saw the red flags, ignored them because I thought I was getting older. I thought that this was going to be the best I could get, lowered my standards, all of that. And I got married to someone that strangled me on our wedding night, and I stayed for five years trying to make it work.

Stephanie McPhail 00:30:05  I did everything I possibly could, I researched, I learned, and this is why I'm so passionate about this, because I did all of those things that so many people are probably hearing as well. And it doesn't have to be physical abuse. It can be mental, emotional, financial, sexual, any of those other abuses that go on. And I tried so hard that I lost myself in the process and became a just a shell of who I was. And after throwing him out, like letting him back in, doing that over and over again. Finally one day said, I'm not doing this anymore. And I finally went through with the divorce. And you would think that that would be the beginning of the hero's journey. But it was not. It was actually like the very, very the, the beginning. Because after that I was like, I have a degree in psychology. I'm a smart woman. I'm just never going to do that again. But I kept finding myself in these other unhealthy relationships, and I started to realize that I had some friends that were not so healthy, and there were other things going on in my life, and I ended up getting in a relationship with a guy who ghosted me.

Stephanie McPhail 00:30:57  And him. Ghosting me was terrible at the time, but one of the best things that could possibly happen because my grandmother passed away. He or he goes to me, I got a blood clot. I had pinkeye. I sprained my ankle. All these horrible things happen. And when I was in the hospital with a sprained ankle, I heard a voice in my ear that said, you need to be your own knight in shining armor. Stop waiting for someone to come and save you and save yourself. And I heard it. I literally heard that voice, and I said, Okay, universe, God, whatever I'm listening, whatever I've done in the past hasn't worked, and I don't ever want to do any of that stuff again. That was terrible. That was so bad. I don't want to do that again. And so in that moment, I realized I couldn't keep doing it by myself. I needed a team. So I got a coach, I got a therapist. I got all the people that I needed.

Stephanie McPhail 00:31:47  I changed my friendships, I like, I changed so much about myself. And then all of a sudden, my life just started to go into a direction that I never could have imagined. And that's pretty much how I got to this place. But, I mean, it was a very distinct moment of understanding.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:32:04  I, I, you know, I think many of us have those that moment, but we ignore it. I think we just turn it off. We don't want to listen to it. Because I think for some, if you're listening to us, this resonates with you. You know, I can understand is that we think, oh, I can't do it. So just don't talk to me about it, right? We just think we can't do it. And and really, you can't. Like you said, you grab the team like, you know, hey, number one, you grab the team, but I'm going to step back. The first thing that's important for us to all remember is that who is on your.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:32:32  What I call your balcony. My my friend Lisa and I would call who's on your balcony with you because they may not be the right people then. And sometimes you need an audit that you need to audit your balcony people and be like, you know what? That person doesn't serve me anymore. That person you know is, is because you are who you're surrounding with, like I remember I don't remember what this where I read the stats at, but I remember when I was doing my weight loss journey where I lost over £60. I remember I read this thing that said, who you surround yourself with is also going to affect your eating. And if you are out with people that socially eat to that sort of social thing, you're going to end up doing that. And I was like, oh my gosh, it was so I, I stopped, I stopped at that article. I was like, well, why am I hanging out with? I'm like, oh my gosh, just so and so and so and so on and so and so.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:33:15  But I was like, well, I really love our friendship. So what can I do to make the friendship work? Well, I started not going out and meeting them when they were going to go out to eat. You know, I would do those things and slowly, you know it. In my my my balcony changed because it they still were on this path of unhealthy eating. It just wasn't making me happy anymore. I have to adjust my life so much to being with them. I wanted to be around people who wanted the same thing in life as me. And so it's I love that you remind us that. And we have to remember that if you're listening to us, is that getting like you said? Stephanie, if you want to make a change, don't think you have to do it by yourself, because doing it by yourself is not easy and it's not fun. And so getting a coach like Stephanie, like myself, you know, getting a mentor, somebody reaching out to a therapist, whatever that is, reach out to a friend.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:33:58  You know, that's your first step to do. And and like we said earlier, neither one of us want you to think you're alone, that you and that you're by yourself. I mean, I coach for them. I go coach at and Mary Martha House at the name of the nonprofit here in Tampa, Florida. And it's a beautiful home that's been created for for the helping women that are between homelessness, maybe leaving like we've talked about toxic relationships, trying to start that over but have no place to go. And when I go and I coach them, I talked to them about, how are you going to bounce forward, what are you going to do today to bounce forward? And and you have like literally the great thing about this organization is they have set them up with the support team. They have me as a life coach. They have a financial coach, they have a faith based coach, they have a nutrition coach, they have all those things there. And so that goes the example of you can't do it alone.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:34:45  You need a team. And so and if you feel like you can't afford it, there are resources out there as well to get help with. And you're just going to look up locally for that, for that resource and or reach out to us because you can we'll put everything in the show notes, reach Stephanie as well as myself. But I think it's really important so that you can find a Stephanie that share a journey that that that voice is you're hearing that you can start listening to the voice. And I love that you listen to the voice. Finally. I mean, I know for me, you know, especially with my parents, I really, really struggled because, you know, again, they are my parents. But I kept going back and I asked my father, Billy, he's not our church anymore. But every time I see him, I tell him, you know, God made your voice the one I needed to hear because he said to me, because my parents are in the middle of this divorce after 43 years of marriage, I felt like as a 40 year old, I felt like I was being pulled in different directions, you know, and they literally said, Pearl, we don't get to pick up parents.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:35:37  We love our parents, but it's your ball game of life. And he goes, and I know you love football. So however many people in that field, if they don't belong on the field, they can't play by the rules of the game. They sit in the bench and if you want to let them back in sometimes and see if they can play by the rules, it's okay, but they don't. You can keep them on the bench and you can lock the fence if you need to. And for me, those are like you want the words you heard. Those are the words that I heard.

Stephanie McPhail 00:36:00  I love that, and I'll add to that too, is that I will find I've found other clients too. Is that when we don't listen to that voice, it gets louder and it gets it gets worse. So, you know, because I heard it was like that little whisper for a long time. This isn't right. You shouldn't be doing this. Blah blah blah. And I was like, I don't want to hear you.

Stephanie McPhail 00:36:20  I want to keep doing this. Like, oh, the marriage isn't working. I'm sure I'm gonna figure it out, you know? And it was like the universe was like tapping me on the head like. Hello? Hello. You have to fix it. And with all my health issues, all those things that got louder and louder until I was like, okay, I give up, I'm gonna listen. And luckily, things got better. Like, none of those things happen anymore. So it's just it's actually way easier to listen to that than it is to ignore it and pretend like you don't hear it.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:36:46  Though. And that's so true, because you're right. It does get louder and louder until it says, hey, I'm here. So tell us now, Stephanie, what's life like for you today?

Stephanie McPhail 00:36:55  Well, it's like I mean, it's completely different. I now have two beautiful children. You know, I, I, I was I was a kid and I remember saying, I wish I had a, I wanted to have a son and a daughter.

Stephanie McPhail 00:37:06  And one of the things that I mourned because I didn't have children with my first thank goodness, was that I might not be able to have kids. I was really, you know, it was one of those things. I said, you know what? I can't keep holding on to that. I have to just be happy that I didn't have kids with him. It was not, you know, it was not the right decision. But maybe it just won't happen for me in this lifetime. And so I did. I mourned that I dealt with all of that, but because I did, I didn't go into a new relationship looking to I have to have that or it's not going to I'm not going to be happy or, you know, whatever. And so I was I was able to find my best friend to marry someone that understood me, that was wanting to help other people like I was. And he actually him and I now worked together with clients and we have two we have a boy and a girl, two beautiful kids.

Stephanie McPhail 00:37:47  and we moved from New York to Texas and so completely different environment and life is, is it's interesting, you know, those days where you're like, wow, this is really crazy. But the cool thing is, is that it's interesting, like out there and you have to deal with the other stuff as opposed to being worried. Not that there's not communication that you have to, like always do in relationships, but it's it's a different feeling when you know that here is okay. And then out there in the in the world is where you're going to have to deal with the most types of stress.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:38:18  That is so beautiful. It's so I mean, like you said, I'm very blessed. I'm so lucky I couldn't have picked a better husband, a better father for our kids. And, you know, it's it's such a beautiful thing. And I. It goes to say to, like, when you start being like, okay, this is what I have, you know, how do I make this work, that other things will come up, you know, will come about and, you know, they manifest in different ways for us.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:38:39  And I think it's beautiful. I think it's great you guys are working together as well. I just love that. So for those that are listening to us, how do they find your Stephanie? And also I think you have some stuff happening. So share that with everybody too.

Stephanie McPhail 00:38:49  Yeah, sure. So if you go over to my website, which is being loved shouldn't hurt.com. It is the name of my book. It's the name of my website. if you go over to the courses section, there is actually some new, mini courses that we created, and I'm not sure when this is going to come out, but if it's in February, there's one called Finding Love after Toxic Relationships. Definitely go check that out. there's also access to my private free Facebook group. And if you're saying to yourself, hey, this resonates, I think Stephanie kind of understands what I'm dealing with, and I don't want to do this anymore. How about a call? We don't even have to decide to work together.

Stephanie McPhail 00:39:26  But, you know, if we if we can come up with a plan of what you need so that you can know exactly what steps you need to take in order to create the life that you want to have that is such a freedom. And to know that there's support out there can really be such a freedom. So set that up is called a breakthrough call. Click on that link, set it up, and you know if there's anything else that's on there, don't hesitate to reach out to us. We are here to help. We are here to serve.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:39:51  Yes. And hopefully I believe this will be on time. So like Stephanie said, everything will be in the show notes. You can reach out to her, make sure you just continue to follow her and everything as well. I think that we could go on and on with this whole conversation about toxic, you know, there's so many different realms in our life and different relationships that can really affect us in, in our life. And so I'm so glad we had this conversation today.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:40:11  I love how your story has ended, and I want to thank you for sharing your Cheryl journey with with the others as well. It's very much appreciated. And so before we let Stephanie go, we did let her know ahead of time that we have our better questions about our life cards that we're going to do. So. These cards if you want, I don't get nothing back from it. You can go look better questions better. But I journal with these. I take a picture and carry one of my phones. Sometimes, you know, just different things in the middle of the day, if I just need to take a break and take that pause out to pull one out and just do a meditation or something over it. So, Stephanie, you tell me when to stop shuffling and we'll tell you what the card says. So here we go.

Stephanie McPhail 00:40:48  All right. Stop.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:40:50  All right, so your card says, what deed of mine today do I want to see multiplied?

Stephanie McPhail 00:40:59  Well, okay. Well, the first thing that comes to mind is, is that I have been looking to work with more lawyers, divorce lawyers, and, people in, like, the HR department for, like, their wellness program to help people that are going through divorce.

Stephanie McPhail 00:41:14  I've been really focused on that. And if that can multiply, it. All I keep thinking about is the amount of people that could get help and not feel so alone. If we could get like, work with companies so that we are an automatic service to help them out. How cool would that be? So that's what I would love for that to multiply. Well, just to put.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:41:33  That there right now, let's say that if you are somebody, a lawyer or somebody with H.R. department, I think it's, you know, it's so important. It's one of the things I talk about, too. And I'm in my process of getting my grief coaching certification. And that's one of the areas, too, that I've talked to a couple of women who, you know, they go back to work with me, you know, losses, losses, heavy for everybody. And I don't there's there's no title for the loss of a child. And it's just not a club. I would want anybody to join me in.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:42:01  And at the same time, like when, you know, luckily I work, you know, with self-employed person. So I work from home and, and things like that. But I know some that have to go back to work like a week, two weeks later, like they don't have a lot of time off, especially they don't have any vacation time depending on what kind of job they have. And so like when they go back to work, in some cases, I remember talking to somebody, she's a professional and she says, I have to dress up like, you know, professionally. I just want to go in jeans and, you know, a t shirt if I have to. And I'm like, we need to create that space. We need to create that education for companies that understand you want them to come back to work, but you have to understand there's the life before and that's the employee before, and there's your employee after, and it's two different people. And how do you help them come back to what you need and creating that safe space.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:42:43  So I love that. I hope we multiply that for you. I hope that HR companies hear that for you and and lawyers. I think it will be a powerful you're right. Reach many more people. So for sure. So we've manifested that right now.

Stephanie McPhail 00:42:56  So thank you universe and putting it out there to the universe.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:42:59  Well I want to thank you again for coming. I want to remind everybody that you need to like and share and subscribe below. And also, if you are somebody who is needing, you know, want to just kind of come and join a group of women, we'd love to invite you to surely just go to living and look up the Shira League. And we would love to invite you to come for a visit. But in the meantime, I don't want to remind you that you come into this world. You're this hard, hard oyster you have to work at opening it. The oyster is not very easy to open, but as you open it, you're going to find your inner pearl to greatness.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:43:27  And I hope you go out today and you find your inner product greatness. Thank you for joining us. Hey, everybody. I am so glad you joined us today on soulful Self-care conversations. That was such a great conversation with Stephanie today. I just love her Shiro journey. And what why do I love her share her journey? I love it because she's right. Being in love shouldn't hurt. And like her story, she's taken it and she's been able to create something beautiful out of it. But one thing that really resonated with me is hearing that voice inside. Like she heard that voice said, you need to be your shining, your shining armor. You know, save yourself. You need to take care of you. And I just want to remind you guys of that. Like, how does home feel in your heart? How does it feel right now as you hear me say that? How is it going? Your heart. And if it. If it doesn't feel good in your soul. If you're if you feel like you need some help and guidance on that.

Pearl Chiarenza 00:44:21  As we were just sharing on the on the podcast. Just remember, you can always reach out to me at dot com. You can schedule a free call with me, and we can talk about what the roadmap looks like to your journey for the year and becoming that better version of yourself. Whether it's changing relationships, whether it's changing relationship with yourself or just learning to say yes to you, I know to others, I would love to help you with that and just hop in a call with you. So again, I hope you guys got a lot of of the episodes that Stephanie and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. Take care.

Music 00:44:54  Ain't no rain. All clean water takes so long to leave you in the grip unit. And nobody gonna see you my sunshine. I'll turn my blue sky gray. All I know is at the end of the day. When flowers grow. When it ain't no shade.