Why the cheater is always winning

In this raw, unfiltered episode of The Purple Kool-Aid Podcast, I dive into a controversial but all-too-familiar topic: cheating. Specifically, I unpack the myth of who’s really “winning” in a love triangle involving a man, his wife or girlfriend, and the woman he’s cheating with.

So many women claim victory because “he comes home to me,” while others proudly declare “I don’t have to deal with his mess.” But the truth is, nobody’s winning but him—the one doing the lying, deceiving, and disrespecting both women. I break down how manipulation keeps women fighting each other while he reaps all the benefits, often living double lives with equal intimacy, care, and deception.

This isn’t just theory—it’s lived experience. I’ve been the wife, the side, the in-the-dark, and the hurt. I’ve seen what happens behind closed doors, and I’ve felt the heartbreak that hits so hard it knocks you to your knees. This episode is part story, part truth serum, and all fire.

If you’ve ever been in a situation where someone made you feel like you had to fight for love, compete with another woman, or question your worth because of someone else’s betrayal, this one is for you.

Because this isn’t about judging women. It’s about exposing the pattern—and the man—at the center of it all.

And no, just because he “comes home to you” doesn’t mean you’re winning.

Transcript

What’s up everybody, this is Lois Lane Miami on the Purple Kool-Aid Podcast and I promised you I would be back and I am back. I have so many things that I want to talk about, but then when I get on this video camera, I freeze up and I don’t know what I’m going to talk about.

But today I’m going— I do, I do a little bit. I want to talk to you about when there is a situation when people are cheating: who is winning?

So who is winning when people are cheating, right? And I am talking about a situation between a heterosexual male and female, and he is cheating with another woman.

I am doing this topic because y’all love ratchet shit, right? People like ratchet stuff. They don’t like when you talk about stuff that is not ratchet. So that’s what I’m doing today. Plus, it is kind of fun, right?

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There’s a consensus I see all the time in the comments when somebody says something about a side chick or side piece or a man cheating and his wife and what is going on.

Whenever you look under those types of posts or videos, you will always see something—or a bunch of things—in the comments of people saying:
• “Well, I’m the wife and I get the house,”
• “I get the insurance policy,”
• “He comes home to me.”

And then you’ll see other women saying:
• “Well, I don’t have to clean his dirty clothes,”
• “I don’t have to cook for him,”
• “I don’t have to put up with him,” or whatever the case may be.

So it is my opinion that the only person who’s winning in this situation is the man. You have two women fighting over a piece of garbage—typically is what is going on.

If he is lying to you, he’s lying to both of you.

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Now don’t get me wrong—I am not a traditional person—but I do believe in being honest. So let me make sure this mic is on while I’m saying all this stuff, right?

What I mean by that is if you are in a relationship—I don’t care if you’re male or female or you’re married—and you have committed or said to someone that you are committing to them and that you are not going to see, meet up with, lay down with, or sleep with other people, then that is what you should do.

You don’t need to lie to people. You don’t need to be getting married if you’re not going to honor that kind of agreement.

When you ask someone to marry you, or they ask you, and you guys agree—and whenever people ask someone else to marry them, there’s always an agreement—even if there’s not a written or oral agreement, there is an agreement of the spirit, mind, and body. And you guys know what your agreement is, typically—99% of the time—before you jump into a situation like that.

So if you have said to this person that you are the only person that I’m going to sleep with, or be with, or spend time with, or lay down with, or be intimate with for the rest of our days—or until we get divorced, or whatever the case may be—then you need to honor that. You need to do what you said you were going to do.

Even if you don’t get married—if you move in with a person, or even if you don’t—if you are boyfriend and girlfriend, if you are dating, and you have an agreement with that person, or you know that that person expects, as a part of your agreement to be in a relationship with them, that you will not be seeing, dating, being intimate with, or spending time with other people in a certain manner, then you should be honoring that commitment or being honest about it.

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Now, I’m not saying—and I mean, I’m nobody to be telling people what to do—but I’m not saying to you that you cannot change your mind.

However, if you do change your mind, then you at least need to be honest enough to let that person know that:
• “Hey, I know we had this agreement, but I’m no longer able to do this,”
• “I no longer want to do this,”
• “I no longer want to be in this type of relationship with you.”

And you need to let that person know.

Because to me, being honest is a big thing. It is a huge thing. Especially when you’re dealing with someone else’s feelings and how it may affect them. And especially, especially if you have conjured up this whole marriage thing and you’re religious and you believe in God—or whatever you believe in—and you go into this establishment, and you stand in front of all these people, and you spend all this money, and you say:

“Oh, I want to be with you for the rest of my life and I’m going to honor you”—

And you sit there, and you blurt out all this crap that you’ve written over and you’ve rehearsed and you say that kind of stuff in front of your God or your preacher or your people that you’re going to commit to and honor this person—then you absolutely need to do that.

And if you don’t do that—or if you feel like (checking again guys), if you feel like you cannot do that—then you need to be honest about it, right?

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I think I’ve drowned that subject into—or droned it into—your head. But you already know that. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that when you enter an agreement with a person, you’re supposed to keep that agreement or stand up to that agreement.

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I see one of them crazy mosquitoes that been eating me alive up in here since I moved, right? I love my place, but these mosquitoes are—um—they’re committed. They’re committed to giving me big huge welts all over my body. And I don’t know how they get in, but they’re quick, fast, and in a hurry. They’re like y’all cheating motherfuckers, right?

So anyway, they sneak in—you open the door just a little bit—and they get in and they suck you dry.

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So yeah, you need to honor your commitment.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies—because I don’t know about—I’m not talking about men and women cheating, because a lot of women cheat. Most of the time women cheat for a different reason than the reason that men cheat. And I’m not going to argue about it.

If you want to argue about it, knock yourself out. I’m not going to argue back with you. You can talk to yourself in the comments.

But ladies, when you are with a man who has told you that he’s not going to do this and he’s not going to do that, and he’s going to honor you, and he is messing around with someone else, and he is lying to you or he is not being honest with you, or he is withholding the truth—however you want to flip it—he is disrespecting you.

It doesn’t matter if you have a ring on your finger—he still is disrespecting you. It doesn’t matter if you get the life insurance policy or you got the house or what you think you feel that you have—you are being disrespected.

If a person lies to you or withholds information, and you have an agreement with them and you are in an intimate relationship with them of any type or sort or kind—they are disrespecting you. You are being disrespected.

The more serious the commitment and the relationship and the big event you made around that situation, the more you are being disrespected and made a fool of.

It really does not matter that you are getting the house and the car and the life insurance policy and all that.

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To the women that are also seeing this man—

If he is being honest to you, it’s one thing. If that is all you want right now, and that is suiting your needs, and you honestly don’t want anything else, then it is what it is.

Could you be winning? It depends on what you want out of the situation.

But it is my opinion that the person who is losing the most is the person who is being lied to the most—because the more that someone lies to you, the more it hurts, the more it affects you, the more that it takes away your options and your choice for you to handle that situation because you’re being deceived and you don’t know what is going on.

Now, if you know what’s going on—even if you’re being lied to—and you decide that you want to stay in that situation, then hey, it is what it is.

But do not pretend that just because somebody comes home to you, that makes you better than them.

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And men—they like this, right?

Because if you go in the comments of one of these posts or videos where they’re talking about a wife vs. a girlfriend vs. a side chick or side piece or whatever you want to call it, you’re going to see a lot of men in the comments—even though this is more of a female conversation.

And the reason why you’re going to see a lot of men in these comments is because this takes the responsibility of the deception off of the man, and it allows him to be able to deceive you both and to be able to do whatever he wants and get his way—and you guys can fight over each other, right?

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It’s like—I used to have three dogs. I had a Doberman Pinscher named Lady. I had another mutt dog—we used to call her Pookie Pie. And then we had another dog—he was half Pit, and his name was Muttly.

And Muttly was smarter than both of the females. So they would go and dig stuff out the garbage and they would fight over it. And when they would go and fight, Muttly would walk around the back of them or whatever while they were fighting, and he would go eat the food that Lady and Pookie Pie had pulled out of the garbage.

Because he wasn’t able to do that, but he was able to take advantage of the situation because they were fighting.

And this is exactly the same behavior that is going on.

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Men love to see it. And they love to fill up your head with all these stories of how, “This one doesn’t mean anything,” and then they tell the wife, “Oh, I was just effing her,” and they tell the side chick, “Oh, we just have children and finances together.” And they’re lying to you both. They are deceiving you both.

But the wife is being deceived and more disrespected because that is the person who said to you:

“I love you. I will not hurt you. I am committing myself to you forever.”

Or whatever lie they told you.

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Now, if you’re in it just for the money, or the house, or the insurance, that’s different. But I can tell you that out of a hundred women in the comments of these posts and these videos saying, “Well, he comes home to me,” or “I got the house, I got the ring, I got the money,” and “I got this and I got that,”—they were never in it for the money.

They were in it for the love. They were in it for the romance. And they believed the lie and the deception, and they are hurting—hurting inside.

And then the woman who believes that this man is going to leave this woman and she is waiting? She also is being lied to and is hurting inside.

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Now I can also tell you this, because I’ve been in all these situations, right?

I’ve been the wifey, the side, the in-the-middle, the not-knowing-what-was-going-on, finding out later. I’ve been in different situations. I’ve observed people in different situations. I’ve listened. I’ve talked to. I’ve seen. I’ve heard.

And I can tell you that when both of you—I’m just going to say this—both of you are hurting.

This man is the one who is winning, because he’s getting everything from both of you. And then when you’re fighting with each other, you’re like those two stupid dogs that are fighting while the male dog is going and eating the meat and the garbage or doing whatever he wants—and you guys are going at it.

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Let me backtrack.

Women who I see saying, “Oh, these women are homewreckers”—No. Your man is a homewrecker. Your husband is a homewrecker.

Because if you knew—or if you wanted to accept the knowledge, because a lot of y’all know, but I don’t know—you delude yourselves into believing something else.

If you knew the lengths that these men go to cheat, and that these women that you believe are homewreckers—how they have blocked these men, tried never to speak to them again, have totally left them alone, have walked away—and the measures that these men have used to get them back into their spider web of [expletive]—and you still call them a homewrecker? Then you have to be stupid.

Because these men are pursuing hard—like it is their primary reason for living and their job.

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So, are there women out there who do go after married men for their money or whatever? Yes, there are. And they would be the same as those women that you are when you sit there and say:

“Oh, I don’t care that he’s cheating and that he has a side chick, because all she’s getting is sex and I’m getting the house, the car, the ring, and all this stuff.”

So that means you’re one of those women who’s only about the money. But you’re accusing these women of going after men for the same type of thing.

But in reality, that isn’t what you’re about either. You’re just using that as an excuse to cover the hurt and to cover the pain.

Because you’re hurting, she’s hurting, and he’s having a motherfucking ball.

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Also, he is not just having sex.

Nine times out of ten—now don’t get me wrong, there are guys who just go out of town, they hit it and quit it, or they hit it and quit it once or twice, they have a good time, maybe him and the girl both have a good time, and that’s it, that’s all he does—but nine times out of ten, these men are having the same type of relationship they have with you in your home, around your kids, with that other woman.

They’re having the same or sharing the same amount of intimacy—sometimes even more.

And a lot of times these men really care about these women. They even love them. And they love you—in a way—but they’re still disrespecting you both.

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So I’m saying this to say: Don’t ever feel like a ring and a husband gives you some type of rank or position over another woman. It just doesn’t.

Unless your man is upholding your agreements, your commitments, is being honest with you, and is not disrespecting you—because it is him who is disrespecting you.

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The lies that they tell are immense and crazy.

I had a whole guy where I would go and see him in South Carolina—he was a drill sergeant—and I would stay in his home. He would go to work on the weekends. I would go places with his daughter—it wasn’t his daughter, it was his wife’s daughter—to a museum, to roller skating rinks.

He introduced me to his friends. He introduced me to family members. When he introduced me to his friends, I wondered why they were looking at me like I was a nut. I didn’t know what was going on, because when I spent the nights or the weekends in his home, I had no idea that he was married.

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I don’t know what he did with their pictures. I’m not a digging type of person. I don’t go through people’s stuff. So you know, I wasn’t looking for anything either. But I was 100% in this man’s life. I talked to him all the time.

One weekend, I called his house—because I was living in Miami at the time—and his wife answered the phone. I called and asked to speak to him. I thought it was his sister. I had met his sister.

I can tell you about meeting mothers and sisters and friends, and going with children places, and being flown places, and just… just all kinds of stuff.

Men do unbelievable things—your husbands, your boyfriends—they do things you wouldn’t imagine for or with women that you’re calling “side pieces” and “side chicks.” But they want you to believe—so that they can keep you in your box—that:

“Oh, I’m just getting my penis sucked,”
“I’m just getting ass.”

They’re not just getting their penis sucked. They’re not just—well, they might be. I’m not going to get into all that. But everything they’re doing with you, most of them are doing with this other woman. And that’s what men do.

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So I’m just here to say: I don’t think it’s a good thing for anybody to do to another person.

People should be honest. People should be respectful. People should let people know their intentions. And if they’re in a situation where they can no longer honor an agreement—and it’s going to hurt other people—then I feel like they should let those people know.

But having someone come home to you, or saying, “Oh, well he comes home to me”—is not a flex. It absolutely is not a flex, because you just have a disrespectful motherfucker coming to your home every night who doesn’t care how you feel.

Well, I wouldn’t say they don’t care how you feel, but they care more about their pleasure and their feelings than they care about your marriage, respecting you, or whether or not they’re going to make you look like a damn fool—because other people know too.

They will be carrying on these relationships, their relatives will know, their friends will know, people in your circle will end up finding out by other people. And I frankly think it’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to me that a person that you love and you care for and you plan on spending your life with would sit there—and just for… because you think it’s just for a nut—they’re going to disrespect and embarrass you and not care about how you feel.

So that’s indicative of their personality and the person that you chose to be with. It has nothing to do with that other person.

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And I’m not on that other person’s side either.

Because when I found my ex cheating on me—and I caught him with a woman—it hurt me so bad that I dropped to my knees from the pain in my heart. I could not even stand.

And we were together for years. But we were never married—it is what it is.

But it hurts. It hurts really, really, really, really bad. And the fact that a man can know that something can make you feel that bad and say that they love you and they honor and respect you and go do something like that—that’s not a good person.

And that’s where your focus needs to be.

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Now, if you need a man, or you feel like you cannot live without a man, or you feel like you need a title to be accepted by society, to be accepted by your family, or to be whole—then maybe that’s something that you need to put up with.

But just know that you’re not winning. And she’s not winning. He’s winning.

Unless she’s just using him for this and this and that—and typically, she’s still not winning. And you’re not winning.

Because usually when women say that they’re using men for whatever—they still get involved. They still catch feelings. It is very difficult for a woman not to catch feelings for a man unless he is just icky and she’s really young and she is just really after a check.

And at that point you probably don’t even want them anymore either.

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But don’t let these men be like my dog Muttly—going and eating the bologna or the hamburger that Lady and Pookie Pie pulled out the garbage—while y’all over there ripping each other’s throats apart.

Because only a stupid bih would do that.

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This is Lois Lane on The Purple Kool-Aid Podcast, and I will see you back on my next episode. Have a good night.