Episode 9: The Group Chat

In this episode of the Influence Her Mindset Podcast, call the “Group Chat”, Miko features a diverse group conversating about hot topics such as, dating, relationships, money, and family dynamics. The group shared personal experiences and perspectives on the challenges they've faced.

A major theme was the difficulty of dating as single, divorced professionals in their 40s and 50s. Issues like communication, trust, vulnerability, and compromise in relationships were explored. The group discussed strategies for finding compatible partners who can meet their needs.

Another topic was introducing new partners to children. The general consensus was to wait until the relationship is very serious before making these introductions, to avoid instability for the kids.

The group also reflected on how their upbringing and parental relationships have shaped their own approaches to relationships and money management. This led to an insightful discussion on balancing traditional gender roles and expectations.

The group played a game called "Hood Financial Feud" where the group named common phrases, places, and ways people borrow or raise money in their communities. This provided a lighthearted look at shared cultural experiences.

Overall, the podcast aimed to create an open platform for dialogue around personal finance, relationships, and personal growth. Miko encouraged her group of guests to share the Podcast, tell others about Financial Therapy and to continue sharing their stories to help others make informed choices in their own lives.

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Transcript

We want to be cute, classy and we want to Influence your Mindset. Financial Therapy. Financial Healing. Influence with therapy. Empowering your wallet. She mines her money. Financial Therapy. for us. Influence Her Mindset Podcast. What's up, y'all? And welcome to another episode of the Influence Her Mindset Podcast. I'm Miko, and I'm your host. And today's show is very special because I have a whole group with me today. So, I know you have been seeing the famous group panels like on the Tonight's Conversation podcast on social media and YouTube or what have you. But tonight, I'm going to let you in on my group and we are going to have the "Group Chat"! So today I have selected a very diverse group. We have some Sorors in the house. And we have a DJ in the house. And we even have a published author in the house. And I'm going to let them introduce themselves one by one. We will start right here to my right. 

Okay, hello everybody. I'm Sir Churchill Williams, the author of Inside the Business of C.U.M Management. C.U.M is a double entendre for choices you make. I'm also a screenwriter and CPR instructor and just basically a serial entrepreneur. Amazing father, you know, ex-husband, all of the above. Check out all the boxes. Hello, my name is Riva Hughes. Hello to everybody. I am a divorced mom. I have three kids. an Accountant by profession, and I enjoy traveling, reading books, and going to eat at new pop-up spots in Houston. All right. Okay. Good evening, everyone. My name is Cece. I'm actually in a situation, going through a divorce now, but I am a proud mother of a high school senior. She'll be graduating in 2025. And I adore her much, a lot. So I'm so excited about it. But I'm a little sad as well, too, because it'll be a change for me. And professionally, I am an experienced HR professional. I really, really am passionate about serving the community and making a difference in others' lives. All right. 

My name is Eric Whitaker by day, DJ Redeem by night. I am a Management and Program Analyst for Department of Homeland Security, 28 years. And like I said, my name is DJ Redeem by night. I am a divorced father of three, one deceased, two living. I love to travel, work out. I'm a... Big time Dallas Cowboy fan. Everybody know me by that. So just looking forward to the podcast. All right, all right. So how's everybody feeling today? Great. Y'all ready to get into it? Yeah, let's do it. Happy to be seen and viewed. All right, so what y'all doing for the holidays? I'm like in this group of... wait till the last minute. I haven't decorated. I haven't done a thing for Christmas, but you know, I'm looking forward to being off with the family and relaxing and get my favorite perfume gifts at the store. What's on your Christmas list this year? What are you buying? What do you want? 

Anybody? So, for me, personally, I think Christmas is overrated as far as buying gifts. I have three children, and they all want expensive gifts. Yes, they do. Expensive gifts. That's when you get money. wait until the last minute to go out and purchase their gifts because they're all big, ticketed items yeah I always wait and my son just asked me the other day, Mom, why do you wait till the day before Christmas to buy our Christmas gifts? Because first of all, I don't want to purchase them because they're too expensive. um and yeah, I'm a procrastinator as far as putting up Christmas decorations i need to bring down my Christmas tree uh my kids just love Christmas. I love it too, but I know. Yeah. I'm just a procrastinator. Anybody else got some good stuff? I haven't decorated anything yet. I have a joint custody of my seven-year-old daughter. When she comes back to me, I will decorate, put a tree up for her. She's got everything, but I'll be spending a lot of money on her. And my adult daughter, I'll just send her money. That always works. Money. 

Well, I love to decorate, and Miko, you know that. So, I typically put up a couple of trees every year. I'm not there yet, but just a couple of trees. And they're fully decorated, lots of ornaments, lots of lights. But I really enjoy it. This is like one of my favorite times of the year. I don't really have any plans, but I look forward to relaxing and not being stressed out for a change. All right. And you, sir? No. I thought I heard somebody say they wanted a new Boo for Christmas! What? A new boo for church. A new boo for church. Oh, I thought I heard a new Boo. Okay, okay. I'm sorry. If it falls like that, you know... Okay. It's a hard job to get. It's a harder job to keep. That's right. Tell me about it. All right. All right. Well, today we're about to get into it. I know you think, oh, this is another like money episode or just, you know, just the regular. But no, we're getting into the hot topics. We're talking about dating. We're talking about love and money. We're talking about situationships. We are talking about 

Let's see, social media. And we're even going to play a game called Hood Financial Feud. So I'm ready. Is everybody else ready? Y'all ready? Yes. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. All right. Everybody hit the shot. Yeah. Yeah. So just a little bit about my podcast, you know, influencer mindset podcast is the financial therapy platform. And I don't know if you have heard of financial therapy before now, but I'll just give you a little background about it. It's the practice of financial planning and analysis combined with like counseling and psychotherapy. So, it's really healing for your money related struggles or disorders. And you might be thinking, what's a money related disorder gambling, hoarding, workaholism, financial independence, financial infidelity, overspending, compulsive buying disorder, all kind of things like that. So, the one thing 

that we have in common with the money is relationships. So, you can't really talk about money and finances and healing unless you're talking about relationships. So today we're going to get into like, how does this cross over what does it look like, how you raise and things like that. So, if everybody's ready, we're going to get into it. Okay, let's go. All right. So, let's see. Y'all want to tackle let's see uh Dating, or what do we want to hear first? What's y'all feeling? Let's talk about dating. Let's go. All right. So, let's move on to dating. All right, so dating in your 40s, 50s, you know, how you feeling? I ain't feeling. I'm going to represent. I'm going to represent the single, divorced, Black, professional female. So, I am not dating right now, because I'm just not feeling it. I'm like, I never expected how men lie so much, and they portray or paint this picture of all the things that they can do for you, and how they can make your life better. And then once you start dating them, 

Where is all the stuff you told me you were going to do for me? Where is all the stuff we talked about before? It's just to reel you in. It kind of disappears. So, what did you offer him? PARDON ME? This is my issue with dating, OK I'm all about reciprocation. I am. I have been that person that always went after what I want, tried to be the knight in shining armor. And I end up being unhappy in the end, but I never consider my own wants, needs, and desires. I'm glad you said that. So going forward, it has to be reciprocation. That is not something that women in 2024 are willing to give often. Okay, I'm glad you said often, because we got three women here. 

And I think all of us can agree that we are willing to give back and like have an equal partnership with somebody. But where do we meet these people? Like, where are you going to find people in your status or your, you know, like somebody that can really match you and be equally yoked with you? and then it kind of works out. Like you said it yourself, you know you end up unhappy in the end. So, let's talk about it where are you where are you meeting people uh I've tried online dating. I don't like it at all you have which websites um B L K uh I've tried uh the Facebook dating. And what i what i find is that after a couple of messages, it disappears. 

So, the conversation disappears. So, I say until phone numbers are exchanged, it's literally impossible to meet somebody online because you're never on the app at the same time. So, I'm big on returning my texts quickly, and I will too. But if I send you a message now and you reply back Sunday, I've lost interest. I lose interest quick. So that's the biggest thing. But what about people that's not really on social media a lot? So, say I check my Instagram or Facebook on Friday, and then I might not look at it again until Saturday. I mean, Sunday. Again, until we exchange numbers, it's impossible to meet someone and get to know them. Okay, and so do you... Online, off the table. Yeah, or do you say that up front through the messaging? Mm-hmm. 

I do. Okay. I do want to ask. Okay, so that's an expectation. I normally ask, how has it been working out for you? And then when they say, how has it been working out for you? Well, I find it impossible to get to know anyone until we exchange numbers. Okay. So, I put that out there right away. Okay. I don't think trying to find someone... For me, it's not something that I do. I just live and just move how I move throughout my day. And in the course of the day, you're going to run into people and you just never know where you're going to run across these people that you could be at your worst or not expecting it or don't have any plans on it. You could be at the store where you go all the time and you might see somebody. It just happens organically. I never try to go out and find nothing. It's like on social media, people 

get in my DM and say, what are you looking for over here? I say, I'm not looking for anything in particular. I'm marketing and promoting. You know, now since you came over here, what are you looking for over here? What do you want from me? What are you looking for over here? And contrary to popular belief, a lot of these girls out here is prostitutes. Very true. And there are a lot of them. I'm talking about a whole lot of them. Wow. And I'm like, if I had pearls, I had a collection. What? And that's my biggest turn off. If I know you trying to get me for my money, if you ask me to buy you a drink and a bar, I'm done. Oh my goodness. Because I should be offering to buy you a drink. If you gotta ask me to buy you a drink, that's a red flag. I can understand that. But my biggest issue 

what the dating scene is, it's hard, I can't find nobody that can keep my attention. So, until someone can keep my attention, I'm just, I'm dating myself. How would you, how would you, because I like that, because that's one thing for me, they say, like, these ladies nice looking, you know, first of all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so of course you're going to eat with your eyes first. I see this, I'm like, oh, I like that, I like chocolate. Okay, yeah, my baby mama chocolate. My mom would say, I like that. Right, right. we get in each other's presence and we start conversating, I'm saying to myself, man, I hope she don't open her mouth and don't got nothing up there. So now we're having a conversation and she's able to have a conversation and understand the art of conversation going back and forth as if it was a tennis match. I hit it to you, you hit it back. I hit it to you, you hit it back. Not once I start talking, she start talking, I get louder because I wasn't finished. She gets louder. For the person on the outside looking in, it looked like we arguing. Right. So it 

If you meet somebody that you can just communicate with, now the aesthetics look better because it sounds better. Now I'm finding out that the person on the inside is more than what I just saw from first sight. You know what I'm saying? So I like that I do that too. But what I do is I don't concern myself with it. I just do what I do for a living. Until I get to the point where I want to talk to you, I'm texting you first, I'm checking on you, until I find that... I'm going to be single. But I haven't found anybody that I can't wait to talk to. You know what? I think social media has taken out the organic part of communication itself. Absolutely. You know, what about the old way we used to just meet people normally? But I think, like, as we are professionals, we should join, like, professional organizations, doing the things that we really like to do. Like, I'm in a... 

you know, different organizations. I won't call any specific names, but I’m doing something that i want to do. And in the process of me doing something I want to do, if I find somebody that has a like interest, now we can do something together that we like to do. I don't want to change who I am. So if I’m not going to a club, I'm not going to a club to meet somebody. I'm just being who I am, doing the things that I like to do. If you want to go to a game, a professional basketball game, more football game you're doing what you want to do not changing yourself but you might need somebody doing those things that you like to do so that's my take on it like communication needs to be the main factor like talking every day checking on them being you know concerned about 

Like, how was your day or, you know, like, how are your kids? How is your family? Just going back to what really matters. Yeah, but that's what I'm seeking. Getting back to the basics. I haven't found anyone that I want to. I haven't found anyone that I want to check on. Right. I haven't found anyone that I'm, when I'm at work, when I get up, hey, I'm going to see you tonight. I'm going to go out and have a drink. I have turned down dates. I have, like, backed out on. days because I'm not feeling people like that. So why is that? Why aren't you feeling that? I don't know. What are you looking for? You get bored quick. Yeah, I get bored quick. No, just... Are your expectations too high? I'm just asking. Or unrealistic? I don't think my expectations are unrealistic. I've had enough bad relationships to where I know what I'm not going to put up with anymore. But as far as... You hold it back, bro. 

No, I'm not. No, I just want somebody to strike my interest. So you say, I can't really tell you exactly what I'm looking for because I want to meet that person that, again, I can't wait to talk to them. So what are you not looking for then? Drama. I'm not arguing. I'm a very busy man. You can't be jealous. Do you, I do me. But when we get together, it should be all about us. You know, but understand that I'm a man that wore many hats. So I can't have a clingy woman. You know, I'm a DJ. I'm a DJ. Women around me all the time are going to be jealous. Because I don't have a problem with you coming to sit in the booth with me while I'm DJing if I like you like that. You know, but you can't be jealous. 

I know a lot of people. Before I was a DJ, I was a promoter. Right. So people know me. My ex-wife is like, we can't go nowhere without somebody knowing you. I'm an entertainer. That just comes with the business. Yeah. So, that's key. But did you make her feel like you were doing something where she had to... Oh, no, no, no. She wasn't standing in her... I didn't say she was clingy. Well, you say you don't like clingy people and you don't like them being around you if they're feeling jealous. So, like, do you give them the impression that even though you know so many people, like... No, because... People are coming on to you... No, because I'm the type of man... I don't hang with the boys. Every now and again, you'll see me with dudes, but I'm either by myself or I'm with my woman. If I don't have a woman, I'm by myself. A lot of people know me, but they don't know me. You are Leo for sure. Yeah, I'm an extrovert when I'm in character, but I'm an introvert. Right. Yeah. 

And you know a lot of women, they don't need a reason to feel any kind of way at all anyway. Because if you're looking at a woman that you feel like don't look better than you or that you ain't got to be concerned with, then you'll stay way on the other side of the room and let you be over there talking to her. But if she sees somebody that she's like, uh-uh, who is this? What is this? You know what I'm saying? So it ain't nothing you got to do at all. They got their own insecurities. That's it. Because with me, I'm not insecure. That's all of you. You can talk to whoever you want. I'm not a jealousy man at all. So I need you to be the same way with me. Right, right. I was thinking y'all was going to role play because I'm just trying to see where we going to wrong when, you know. Who going to role play? Y'all two. What do you mean? Like, you approach her if you're in a club. Like, what are you saying to her? Hey, how are you? What's your name? 

Cece, how are you? How are you doing, Cece? My name is Eric. Okay, Eric, how are you doing? I'm doing real good. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you as well. You come here often? No, this is my first time. Why'd you come out? You know what? Just trying something new. Okay. Trying something new, yeah. You live nearby in the area? I do, I do, about 20 minutes away. Okay. So are you enjoying yourself tonight? I'm having a wonderful time. Wonderful. Yeah, a wonderful time. It ain't going to be just... Yeah. So what do you want me to do? You want to go home with me tonight? So, I mean, can we... I feel disrespected because you said that. Exactly. No, I'm just letting her know that. Yeah, exactly. We got to build up. Right, right. I know you're doing, like, the little basic, how you doing or whatever, but, you know, it was so formal. What is he missing? It was so formal. I appreciated the formal. You liked it formal? Yes. I'm a gentleman. That was being respectful to me. I agree. But see, like we were saying earlier, though, so it's a vibe. You know what I'm saying? 

Like, he was just put on the spot to do that right there, so you got to come up with a whole makeshift script. I'm thinking about it. Thinking about what you're going to say. But it wouldn't be much different. That's just the way it would happen. But, like, for me, I don't have no lines. I don't have no lines. Maybe we should ask Sir Church. How would he approach a woman? The only way I ever approached a woman... as if I already knew it was okay for me to approach her, meaning that we had already made eye contact, and I feel like, okay, I can go over there and talk to her. But if you don't make eye contact... So if I see somebody that I feel like she worth, you know, I'm going to shoot my shot and let her, you know, it's cool if she tell me no, I don't know what I'm going to tell her. It's just going to come out and flow naturally. I ain't missed yet, though. 

Shoot your shots, church. It's like the Kobe Bryant fadeaway. Every time he ever shot the ball, you thought it was going in. Nice. So he got to give the gab. Yeah, yeah. He's a salesman. And most salesmen, they come out and give us a bunch of butts. You got to watch the butts. But some women catch on and they go, oh, this nigga, he got it. He just want to get it. It sounds good, but it sounds rehearsed. It's not rehearsed. OK, so the thing about it, no, it's not rehearsed. So, let's just say me and you talking. Me and you talking. You right here. And then I say, ah, you got a man? I do. That is one of my first questions. I am happy. You married? I don't see no ring on your finger. No, I'm not married. Oh, you ain't married. Okay, so you are still available. I am. I am still. Y'all dwelling together? No, I don't do that. Okay, all right. How many kids you got with him? We don't have any kids together. Straight to the kids Sir church? Playing around? Is this serious? A little bit. 

A little bit. A little bit? Yeah, it's kind of exclusive. Are you feeling him? She can't help but to feel me. She's smelling me. I'm right up front. She's smelling me. You got to smell me. Hey, I want to go back to a subject. The difference in me and him, once she said I got a man, I don't care if it's a boyfriend or her. Right. Once I know you got a man, I walk off. So the thing about it. I ain't trying to take you from him. I think that was his thing. We just role playing, though. Yeah, we just role playing. Yeah, but you know. Okay, so let's get into... I really can't say. I don't know what I'm going to say to a woman. Right. I'm going to ask you a question, church. I want to ask you a question. Let's talk about the children. How are you dating a female with small children? Now, before you answer that, you are dating. You're coming over, spending the night, and... 

Your lady friend has asked you to sleep over, and she has a seven-year-old daughter. How are you handling that? I'm not going to really want to do it, but first of all, everything is situational, depending on, you know, what time is it. She already took her, get her homework. She already ate. She already sleep. You sure she sleep? Okay. Well, then I might come through there. You know what I mean? But my thing is... In my earlier years when I was in the dating world, I disqualified females from moving forward with me because they had daughters. Because I didn't want to put myself in a situation to, let's say, I get with you and we become serious. And then, you know, we get together, we married, all of that. And I'm watching your daughter grow up as my stepdaughter. However, she's still a young lady. She's not my daughter, and I'm still a man. So to put myself, to remove myself from possibly being accused of saying, Mr. Church did this, Mr. Church ain't even in the room. 

because all the females in my family, I never been in the room when they had a pamper change. I never changed the female pamper. I'm just going to eliminate myself from even being a suspect in those situations. I got a question. What's a good time for you to introduce your significant other to your children? Okay, so... How long do you go about dating them? I have a seven-year-old daughter. I am not... She's never met a woman. She's never seen me with anybody but her mother. Until I am very, very serious with you to the point where I can see myself being with you long-term, you're not going to meet my daughter. What about the females? Y'all feeling the same way? I respect that. Do you have a time that you will date a guy when he want to come over? Is it no go? You can't meet my children? It's more of a relationship stands. See, again, like I say, everything is situational. Some of these dudes don't want to meet your dang kids. No way. Well, for me, I... 

I don't introduce my kids to a guy unless I've been really, like, dating them over a year. Like, at some point, we are going to want to go out. But as far as spending the night and being over there all the time, like, I don't want my daughter around any man. Like... That's just off limits for me. And he should respect that. Right. And so a lot of times people be like, well, why are you not dating? Like, you know, you divorced. You know, like, what's going on? You don't have nobody? Y'all ain't get married or nothing like that? It's just a personal choice for me. I just never wanted to have somebody in the house with me and my daughter. Because I'm sure somebody trying, right? 

You don't want to surprise me. I'm sure somebody's trying, right? I'm going to tell you what surprised me. What surprised you? What surprised me since I've been in the dating world, now I've gotten used to it, but it just really just threw me for a loop at first. You know, women always talk about deadbeat dads, men that don't do what they're supposed to do, do right by their kids. I find that there's a lot of women out here that don't want to date dads. men with smaller kids. My daughter's seven. I have been turned down by a lot of women that don't want to date a man with a child under 10. I get, well, my kids are grown. Like, y'all got 16, 17 years. I've already raised my kids. And I'm like, 

But I thought it was honorable for a man to take care of the kids. It is. But you just mean the wrong woman. It ain't no big deal. That's what my mom always tell me. She said, it's somebody who won't care about your baby. You can't force a circle into a square. And now I get that. But for instance, I'm like, it messed me up, man. Because I said, every woman I've ever married had a child. And I never considered it. Just dated. Dated Even dated? Yeah. Wait a minute. You said every woman you ever married. Yeah, I've been married more than once. Oh, how many times? Three times. Three times? Three strikes? Yeah. You like being married? Yeah, I do. You jumped out of one to the next to the next? All of my marriages for the last one was for the wrong reasons. It was not for me. I grew up without my father, okay? So I'm like... I'm like a... 

It's like crazy how I am with fatherhood, because I am a father. So my first wife, she got pregnant with my son. She was abusive. I got the scars to show it. She was abusive to you? She was abusive, yeah. I married her anyway, because my son was not going to grow up without me. Let me ask you something. The second time, I was trying to save somebody. Captain Save Em. Oh, a rescue mission. And her kid's dad told her, As long as we were dating, living together, we started living together. And her kids could not come see her or marry her. So her kids could come see her. I ended up just marrying her. Right. How long did y'all stay together? That's the challenge. That's the challenge. This last one, I thought she checked all the boxes. We could grow together. But I married her too quick. Like, my mom was like... 

She's nice, but Erick is smitten. Slow down. Slow down. Right. I tried to tell you to slow down. She told me the truth. And then when we got married, I started seeing things I didn't see while we was dating. So let me tell you something. Go ahead. So that's why I said now, and I'm still not opposed to marriage, but I'm going to be happy now. Right. I'm not only worried about making you happy. Right. I am going to be happy. Right. And you should be. That's why I've never cared about me. And here I am a half a century old. Now I matter. It's not too late. See what I was going to say? When she was telling you to slow down, she could tell you to slow down, but she don't know what that woman doing to you and how that woman got you feeling when you elevated in that padded square. You know what I'm saying? 

And you stretched out horizontally. Yeah, but as my mom said, I was smitten. What do you smitten mean? Smitten means I was so blinded. What had you blinded, though? Because she checked all the boxes. Like what? She was educated. She had good credit. She had a business on the side. She was an educator but had a business on the side. She took care of... She was everything the first two were not. There you go. You ignore some red flags on purpose. A whole lot. Yeah, yeah. And not putting her down, but I'm just saying, when I got married, I'm like, I didn't see all this. Right, yeah. Oh, you probably saw it and act like you didn't see it. I ain't care. Because, again, she looks so good on paper. Right, right. The most important thing is how you make me feel. You know, I like to be with a female to where... 

after going out, dealing with the world, and being who I need to be to make it through the day, if i come home and you ask me how was my day, and I can honestly tell you like, man, baby, this was up today. Right. I want to be able to tell you and be vulnerable with you because if i'm if i'm a gorilla, I don't want to be a gorilla 24 hours a day. I want to come home be with baby and be a chimpanzee. There you go. You understand what I'm saying? There you go. There you go. I want be able to try to save the world. There you go. Nurture me up and charge me up baby. Can I be a little cub now? All of you be real when I come home. All right. All right. I like that. How do you think? Well, let me rephrase this. 

Have any one of you turned into your parents in your relationships? Like the older we get, the more we become like who we first were introduced to like a relationship by. So your first interaction or seeing a relationship was probably your parents or your mom or your dad or whoever it was. Do you now see that you have some of those same traits? I didn't grow up with my dad. Well, mom, I mean, like, just because you're a man doesn't mean that you didn't pick up some of the traits that she probably had in her marriage. I mean, do you see some of that? I was raised with my grandmother the first part of my life till I was nine. Then my mom picked up after that because she was still in college and stuff, but... 

from my mom and my grandmother, they were nurturers they were they saved everybody so you do have something yeah so you did pick up those characteristics. I tried to save everybody. How about you? did you cry when you're DJing and you play uh oh I'm emotional How about you Cece? It's alright being emotional though. It's good to be in your feelings because they're your feelings. You're entitled to feel however you feel. Can't nobody tell you how to feel. Those are your feelings. If you're not in your feelings, you might miss some. That's right. So my mom was more dominant, probably A-type personality. She was an educator, retired principal. You know, I picked up on a lot of her personality traits, and it can be or has been intimidating, you know, to some men. But it also, you know, exhibits confidence as well, too, which can be intimidating, you know, to some men. Can you submit to a man? Hmm. Let's define submission. See? The way you responded... 

She tells me that you have an issue with submission. I do. I do. Because I wasn't brought up that way. See? My mother was the one who made the most money, so she was the breadwinner. She ran a house, right? Defined submission. And was well-respected. Mm-hmm. My dad let her do that. He let her do that. And it worked for them. It did. During that time frame, it did. It worked for them. Do you understand that a man, a man's man, is not going to be able to deal with a woman like you? I do understand that, but I believe in compromising. Situational. Yeah, I do believe in compromising. So... It's not that I'm not willing to submit. I just need to understand what that means. Support. Absolutely. Is very different than submission. But what I found out, what I've discovered is that men are not willing to communicate and share. Some men. Some men. Some men. Men that I've encountered... 

someone that I was married to. We're actually still married. Let's be real about that. So there's some insecurities around being very vulnerable. Right? And we don't see that a lot. Submission says... Is this in the Bible? Of course I'm going to build it. That's the foundation. I just wanted to clarify for myself and for the viewers. Submission says that we have a conversation and we have something on the table And me as a man, I'm going to listen to my significant other. But if I decide that I think this is the best, this is how we should go, are you willing to let me be the man and make that final decision and live with it? Absolutely. As long as that final decision doesn't put us in any kind of harm. Danger. Yeah, any financial burden or things of that nature. But sometimes I'm a risk taker. 

Sometimes taking a risk is what it takes to get us to the next level. You may not see what I see because I'm the visionary. Okay. Okay. So a part of, I'm going to put it like this. The top 1% financial, most of the time are going to be risk takers. They're going to do things that other people would not, didn't have the guts to do. So you need somebody... by your side that's, even though they don't understand it, okay, baby, I got you. Right. Go ahead. I want to support you that first time, but when you, you know, gamble with the mortgage money, you have a problem with that. And so then there's an issue with trust. Okay, that's different. So then I can't trust you. Understood. We're talking mortgage now. Or it could be any kind of deal. I'm not going to put you in the danger of not having a roof over you. Or you're doing something unethical or illegal. I don't know that one. So then there's trust issues. So now you're not the provider. Now you're not the protector. 

And so there are some concerns. I think everybody wants the same thing, but it's just when that word submission comes up, people get a little antsy or whatever. Because, like, I feel like I'm the smartest one in the situation, in the relationship. However, I have met some females lately that I do respect because I see the fruit that they have bared. And if one of those females were to advise me on something, I'm going with whatever play they call in the huddle as if they was the quarterback because I see what you're doing. If you came to me with something and as I'm listening to your presentation, quarter way through, I'm like, This shit don't even make sense to you. Right, right, right. How do you want it to make sense to me? Absolutely. Now, if I'm, okay, baby, that don't sound right, maybe, you know, because if you had a boat, if I'm poking holes in your boat and you're sinking, go back and get your boat right before you come back and make a different presentation. Right. You know, not that I'm telling you no, I'm just telling you not right now. Right. And this is the reason why. Yeah. Now, like what Eric was saying, from whatever he was saying, I'm a risk taker. 

Okay, baby, I need you to trust me on this. I need you to believe me. It's going to help us. However, if we don't hit, you know, don't be tripping now because you decided to go along with it. We're just going to have to bite the bullet on that. You know what I'm saying? And that's where the communication comes in. You've got to communicate. Communication. And trust. And trust. Absolutely. So, Riva.. Yes. Do you know what the perfect relationship would look like for you? I know you said you were divorced. So, I don't think there is a perfect relationship. It's whatever works for you. For me, of course, I'm divorced now. So, within my marriage, I was... I was the one that handled all the finances and everything. I paid all, of course, you know, we had a joint account. I paid all the bills, made sure, you know, everything was taken care of in the house. Because that worked for us. Because by profession, that's what I do. Me too. I budget. So I am an Accountant, so it's whatever worked for us, I was crunching those numbers. But you had a little stash to the side that the females didn't have to portion. Yes. 

Yes. I know, it was a rhetorical question. It was. And I, you know, and going back to submission. It hurt, don't it? It did. No, it don't hurt if you have a man that's leading and you're trusting and, of course, and protecting. Then, yeah, I don't have a problem submitting. Right, right. but in my instance, I felt like I had to always be on guard. I had to always figure out things. He wasn't the one because it kind of worked for us. But now, in my next relationship what I.. I want the man to... I want to be the lady in the relationship. Let me ask you not to cut you off. No, go ahead. Did you see that growing up? Like, we were talking about the parents. So, in my house, I was raised in a two-parent household. Right. My dad was the protector and the provider. Right. My mom never had to do anything as far as finances. She never had to put gas in her car. She never had to take her car to get her oil changed. Right. My dad even... 

I mean, my mom brought groceries, but my mom actually, she worked at a grocery store. That was back in the 70s. Yeah, back in the day. But it's ironic that you ended up with somebody different. It's situational. There was something about that man that intrigued her before they ever got married. But at the same time, the profession, too. goes along with that. Yeah, so it kind of puts me in a position to where, hey, let me take care of it because I'm good at this. We're in charge of things. And that's why the communication, it's nothing wrong with it because it worked for me. Some men are better at taking care of themselves. At that time. Yeah, but now, going forward, I don't want that right. Our relationships were very similar. Like, 

I did all the financial work. I did all the household, everything. And so, you know, I really was almost like the man and the woman in the relationship. But I got tired of it. And I feel like that was the breakdown because... When you're paying the bills, when you're making all the decisions, when you are really leading the household, like if you got a bark, what do you need a dog for? Exactly. And so I'm not saying I don't need a man. Right. But I need a stronger man to lead I agree. And I mean, while we had a good friendship, he just wasn't a good husband. I should not have walked down the aisle with him in the husband role. Why did you? You know what? 

I could have been on a rescue mission like we were talking about earlier. You know, you don't know when to stop. I am a nurturer. I am a helper. I thought I could help him get to where he needed to be because he was a good person. But at the same time, he had too many issues that were above my pay grade. Right. Absolutely. Doesn't mean he was a bad person. He's still a good person. And I thought like, you know, we're having a good time. But what I wanted back then when I married him is not what I want now. out and when we grew we started growing apart I'm growing in my career I'm growing like in my degrees and he kind of still with the hood game you know he's still kind of like oh let me go to south park and hang out you know or whatever and so that didn't work for me when I started being with my colleagues and you know I'm growing professionally and I can't take you somewhere and you 

embarrass me if we go somewhere or, you know. We could not have a very good intellectual conversation long term. But his effort was not where it should have been to keep our relationship together. He was comfortable where he was. Right. And some people don't want to do anything more than what they're doing. And I'm not saying that's him. But I wanted more. And I started progressing. Did you know those things before you decided to marry him? Partially. How long had you been dating him before you decided to have kids? Partially. But like I said, I thought I could help. We always thought you could change. I thought I could change some things. But I'm not on that rescue mission. Who that person is that you dated. That's who they are. Right. But you know what a female will do? They'll ask you, do you have somebody? 

Of course I have something. It's 7 million people in Houston. What I look like not having nobody? Right? I got to have at least something, right? Okay. If you choose. Now, that answer is sufficient because that answer, yes, I have somebody, is 1, 5, or 10. You don't know. Oh, my. But you got a choice now. Because now you have the information, so now you going with the information to decide if I want to entertain this or not. Okay? Yeah. That's what I told my wife. That's what I told my wife. I'm very honest now with women. Even if you completely turned off, I'm going to tell you right where I'm at. Right, because it's the thing. It's the age. Maturity. No, I was like that all the time. That's how I told my wife when I met my wife. I want to impress. Now I don't care if I impress you. 

This is where I'm at. Right. It is what it is. So see, when I met my wife, that's what I told her. She decided she wanted entertainment. She said, well, what am I going to do about all the other girls? I said, you got to outwork them. What? Oh, my goodness. OK. Next question. No, listen. So at the time, I'm 28, 29 years old, own business, two vehicles, motorcycle, own crib, no kids, good crib. I don't have to, I mean, what I got to play with you for? I'm going to tell you what it is. It's up to you to decide if you want to entertain it or not. Now, the good news is I like you and I want you to win. You already got the cheat code. I want you to win. I want you to win. That's the mentality of men that are established. That's how I am now. That's when I was in my 20s. Because the thing is, I made it through my 20s. 

to at least know what I want to do in life and what direction I was going in before I brought somebody into the world that was looking at me for all the answers that I didn't have myself. So I was trying to be selective in the process, like Inside the Business of C.U.M management, before I decided to lay down and apply for a job. You know what I'm saying? And when I lay down and apply for a job, I haven't missed a day of work yet. And I only got one key. It's the same concept, you know, you know like what you like. Right. But I do like all of the different collaborations of what you like in a relationship or what you like. I mean, we definitely have some different point of views. And as we get older, what we wanted before is very different now that's right so 

I think now we would marry more for security reasons. Because you're getting old and you want somebody to take care of you. You don't want to grow old alone. You know what I’m saying? Like, I don't want to be in a house with somebody that I can't live with. Like, right now, I got total peace. And it scares me to really be in a relationship. Like, right now, peace is priceless. When I'm working 8 to 5, I'm dealing with all kind of stuff during the day, I want to come home and just, you know, relax. And if you're not part of the peace train, I'm sorry, I cannot. I can't because when I close my door at night, I want to be at peace. And so I think we're all on the same page of where we want to go moving forward. You got to be a person that matches, you know, harmony, education, activities or interest. You know, I think that's cool. And it's important. 

Some people, you know, some females that I have seen, they... I'll go ahead with the game. Oh, sorry, go ahead. Finish your statement. I mean, you know how some people, they... You was live when you was in your 20s, and now you're in your 50s, and you still think you in your 20s. I'm still alive. You ain't dead no more, though. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about you now. I mean, you know, sometimes they go both ways. Both ways. Because I know some guys that are not here right now. You've seen females that look like they just let go of the rope. And that's why they still have it in their mind. They got the same swag. I get a lot of flack from women in my age group. Because lately I've been dating younger. Because women in my age group can't keep up with me. And I'm not talking just sexually. I'm very active. 

I'm very spontaneous. I like to travel. I like to go. I like to have a good time. They tired. And they're in the bed by 9. It's hard. Exactly. It's hard. You should be tired, too. Baby, I have 72 employees under me. OK. And I DJ. And I'm a single father. Yeah. Yeah, I'm still ready to go. Kudos to you, though. That's a lot. I do want to give you your flowers. That's a lot. Yeah, you got a lot of stamina going on. That's, hey. Fist pump on that. So, what you taking? What kind of supplements you taking? I get my testosterone shots. Oh, baby! Oh, my! We on regular energy. We on pizza. You are holding out! That's why you can keep up with the 25, 26-year-olds. Okay. Okay. All right. So, we appreciate your... All right. 

This looks like a female with a... And then we'll play the fun game, the hood financial feud. I want to ask the one that got the most puzzled face. Okay, time's up. Time's up. I only got one question. All right, you're not going to study it. Just look at it. All right. One person. Give me the first one. The first one is a woman that's upset, that's looking away at the car window. A woman upset? Which one? At the top? At the top. She's looking out the car window because her dude done pissed off. This is the picture. He tried to take it to... To where? You see her looking over her like that? Yeah, I see her. In addition to that, she does look like she's upset. She or he. Cheesecake factory. But there's something like on top of her head. Kind of looks like a bird or a rat or something. All right, what'd you say? Something. She mad because he told her there was going to be a cheesecake factory. OK. Riva? 

She's a queen, and she is, you know, she got a shawl on, so she think, uh-uh, I'm too good for this. I don't have to deal with this at all. Okay, so this top picture can be an old lady with a long chin and a big nose. Okay. You see it? Mm-hmm. You don't see it? Long chin, yeah. Long chin. Big nose, older lady kind of like with a fur coat on. But then it's a young lady right here on the side with a necklace and kind of a hat that's going off to the side. Okay, how about this one? How about this one? Quickly, we got to go to the game. A man and a woman. Yeah, I see two faces. They're looking in opposite directions. All right. And what is this one? 

Fred Flintstone. Fred Flintstone, that's what I was thinking. What? Fred Flintstone? I don't know who that is. There's a meaning behind it. This is actually a naked lady, and her arm is right here. But she has her head like this turned to the side. I do not see that. I don't either. Uh-uh. So the meaning of this is we're guys and girls, but we see things differently. There's always two sides to look at something, two ways to hear the communication back and forth. So communication is a two-way street. There's always two ways to look at something. All right. Did you look at the answers to the game? No, ma'am. Now we are going to play Hood Financial Feud. So I have listed the top answers to these questions. First question says, name places you go to borrow money until you get paid. Payday loan. Payday loan? Neighborhood drug dealer. Oh, Lord. Okay, that's not on the list. The bank. The bank is one. Your parents. A friend. I got family members. Mm-hmm. 

What about the pawn shop? Yes? No? Back in the day, we were going to Kipperman's and, uh... Donate plasma. You borrowing it. You go back and get your stuff after you pawn it. That's giving something in exchange. Well, you still got money, right? Until you got paid? No? Okay. Donate plasma. Ooh, good one. All right. Okay, y'all hear that? If you ever need some money, you can go donate plasma. All right. Okay. Names of ways you can raise money to bury a loved one. Fish dinners. GoFundMe account. GoFundMe. Yes, yes. GoFundMe. Anybody else? Barbecue Plates, Fish Plates. Oh, there you go. There you go. That was the top three? That was the top three? Because grandma and them didn't have a life insurance. Oh, yeah. A burial insurance. The world's finest chocolate. Yeah. The world's finest chocolate. Y'all sell the candy. Put some on there. Popcorn right now. Oh, yeah. Double good. Double good. Expensive popcorn. Right. Please. Okay. All right. All right. 

So this was actually in a stand-up comedian's show. He said, name a place you can hide money in your house. Under the mattress. Under the mattress, yes. Shoebox. Shoebox. Shoebox, okay. A Crown Royal bag. Ooh! Oh, OK. That was way back in the day. OK. I got one of my drawer right now. I know you do. Probably full of change. Just change. A little piece of change. So Chris Rock said, most people don't read, so you can hide your money in the books or the Bible. That's right. The Bible, OK. Okay. Or some old clothes in a pocket. My mom used to hide money in a coat in a pocket. Yeah. That's a good one, too. All right. All right. We got two more questions. Okay. Name a phrase that you use to let people know that your money is short. I'm fucked up right now. Let's keep it PG. Oh. 

But that's one of them. Man, I'm short right now. What's the new thing is the way my bank account is set up. Yes, yes, yes. Man, I can't call it right now man. I might spoil it. I ain't got a pot to piss in. or a window to throw it out right now. You have to wait until I get paid. I'm out of there. I put something on it. Yeah, I put something on it. That's Cedric The Entertainer Hey, baby. Hey, baby. I put something on it. If one of your homeboys asks you, you be like, you didn't ask baby? No, I'm going to borrow some money to give to somebody else. What? I'm saying, like, if my homeboy asks me, I'll be like, you didn't ask baby? Oh, you? Oh, yeah. I got you. I got you. I got your hand for a minute. Yeah, I'm like, what? All right, last question on... 

Hood, Financial Feud. Name some things haters say when they think you got money. I see you big time. Oh, yes. You ballin'. Oh, ballin'. Yeah. She's bougie. Yes, yes. Bougie. Everybody ain't got it like you got it. Ooh, must be nice. Must be nice. What's up, big time? Yeah. If I had your hand I'd cut mine off When I grow up, I want to be just like you. Just like you. What about, ooh, he caked up. Ooh. That's a new way. That's a new generation. Right, right. All right, OK. All right, y'all did pretty good. All right, so finish the sentence for the last game. We got four phrases. Back in the day, did your parents tell you, when we get to this store, don't touch nothing, don't ask for nothing, don't look at nothing anymore? That's what they said. That's what they said. Yeah. All right. Don't say nothing. My mom used to turn around in that backseat and say, 

Don't touch nothing. Don't ask me nothing. Because you ain't getting nothing. Ask up in this store. I'll get you when we get home. That's right. Right? So money don't grow on... Trees. Yes. Let me hold... Sumthing. Something. Something. Something. Something. All right. I'm saying something. Let me hold something. So anybody else got anyone that's different? Y'all can think of, back in the day, the slangs we used. You got some McDonald's money? It's hard out here for a Pimp Okay, it's hard out here. You gotta get the money for the rent. Yes, yes. I got it. Yeah, okay, well. Was this fun? Did y'all enjoy it? Absolutely. Yes. Y'all want to come back for a part two? Of course. Part two. We ready. We ready. We ready. Oh, wow. Awesome. Hey, you know. 

At least you can share the information about Financial Therapy with your family and friends and maybe, like, share the podcast. I know you're going to want to see your beautiful faces on the camera. Yeah, so did you learn anything tonight? I learned that I still need to, you know, start... Continue to save and maybe save with my Crown Royal bag because Mr. E over here has a few at his house. I kind of wonder if they're dollars or they're coins. Are they silver? I know, right? Most of them are silver. Oh, okay. We can put some of them together. That's good, yes. What about you, Riva? Did you learn anything? What did I learn? What did I learn? everything is situational. Everything is situational. I did learn that. Yeah, that was a good point. Thank you, Sir Church. Yes, well, what about Sir Church? Did you learn anything from the ladies? Because I know y'all men got y'all own perspective. No, I didn't really learn anything. I learned something that I was refreshed on something that I already knew. When the word submission comes up, it's like everybody want to put their fists up. But at the same time, I understand that 

Males and females both want the same thing. And, you know, we just all want understanding and communication. You know, if I'm with you on Monday, I'm trying to have a good day. If I'm with you on Wednesday, I'm trying to have a good day. If that happens again on Friday, I'm trying to have a good day. But if we look up, we had a good week. If we could run that concurrent, we had good weeks, we had a good month, we had a good year. We had a good time. Then we have a good time. You know what I'm saying? No, that's just what it is. All right. And it's the peaceful DJ. What did you learn? What I learned? I learned, you know, we always see life through our own eyes and our reality. 

My reality is I'm a provider. I'm going to take care of mine. Anybody that is connected to me, I'm going to make sure they good . I learned tonight that all men are not like that. It sounds like most of you all had men in your lives that didn't lead, that didn't step up to the plate. You all were kind. You all were the leaders. So a lot of times women end up... being in that independent type mindset, because there are some men that don't step up to the plate. Some women present themselves because they come from up under their parents' government. That's all they know. I find myself being critical of women like that, but sometimes it's the reason. Right. But see, you know what the best thing is? You know, I think the best thing is you just take a girl and just tell her, you know, I'm going to take you out and we're going to make it, you know, like it was when you first fell in love in middle school. Just like puppy love. I know you're an accountant. I know you're an accountant, a business manager, you're an accountant, this and that. This is what we're going to do. We're going to go to the movies. We're going to see the new movie, right? 

We're going to get us some Whoppers, some popcorn, some Skittles, or whatever. How are we getting the Whoppers? No, listen. Oh, oh, oh. The Whoppers, the candy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Listen, listen, listen. So what's going to happen is we're watching a movie, right? I'm going to stick my hand in there and get some popcorn. You're going to stick your hand in there and get some popcorn. I'm going to stick my hand in there, blah, blah, blah. Next thing that's going to happen, at some point, we're going to end up with both our hands in there together. then we going to end up looking at each other. I don't think she's feelin it. That's how it happened when you was in middle school and you first started going to the movies. But we're not in middle school anymore. But I'm saying, before you became this educated diva in the image of your mama, you was a little girl. And the first time you fell for somebody, it was when you was a little girl. And that's all good. It can all be so simple. Oh, that I'm never gonna stop being the man that I am I'm gonna always be the knight in shining armor. I'm just requiring you to reciprocate and give me what I need now. So what you... Let me close this out for a second. We don't want to go back and forth with you guys. No, I just got to tell you something. I just got to tell you one thing. From what we've been... What I gathered all night. Keep being who you need to be, but you need to make sure that you... that you decide that you're giving the best version of yourself to a woman that's worthy of that. Bingo. That's it. Good point. Good point. Bingo. Sir Church, for the record, Inside the Business of C.U.M management, C.U.M is a double entendre for choices you make. You can follow me on TikTok and YouTube. Sir! Sir! Are you on Instagram? We're not done yet! Can we just close out? Can we just... Oh, my God. So, look. Yes, we're still on camera. I'm late. Let me just let y'all know. 

The Influence Mindset Podcast, this is what it's all about. You are here, you're free, you're relaxed, but we're talking about those things that we learned as kids, whether they were good, bad, or not. But we're giving you new information so that you can make a conscious decision on how you want to live your life going forward. Yes, our parents might have taught us things. They might have been good. They might have been bad. But now you're free to make your own choices. So we want to help you make smart choices with your money, smart choices for your family and for your own health and your mental stability. So that's what this platform is all about. I'm so grateful you guys took the time to come out and hang out with me. You know, you had a good time. We had the drinks flowing. We had fun. We talked about our fun stories. But again, this is a serious mission that we're trying to change the trajectory of our lives through our families, you know And through the way we get the new information and move forward. I love that. We were talking about dating Maybe next time we'll talk about like cheating, you know, you know What do you guys want to talk about? Right, right That's what it's all about. Can we tell people where to follow us? Okay, I'm going to tag you, but I'll let you close it out one by one. But this is our show. This is the end of our show. Thank you for watching our podcast. I'm going to tag everybody's social media, but I'll let you close it out one by one. And then I'll finish when you get through. Go ahead. You can follow me on Instagram @IamDJRedeemed, All right. I am on Instagram, @Chandy1913. Yes. I'm also on Instagram, @RivaRenae. I'm on TikTok and YouTube, @Sir_Church. And we are on TikTok at the @InfluenceHerMindset Podcast. We are on Instagram at the @InfluenceHerMindset Podcast. You can also reach us by email at influencehermindset@gmail.com And we also have a YouTube channel for our visual learners. And we're on all the podcasts, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, you name it, we got it. So thank you, everybody. That's our show. And give my panel a big hand. Yeah! We did it. We did it. Shout out to our engineer who put up with the big one. Like always. Slam dunk. Slam out the park!!