Leading Her Introvert Way: Conversations about executive leadership, career growth, business and mindset for mid-life Black women.

65: {Listener Question} How To Balance Being An Ambitious Introverted Female Leader At Work, But A Collaborative Partner At Home

• Nicole Bryan • Episode 65

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Ever feel like you're leading two lives—one at work and another at home? Let's tackle the challenging dualities that introverted female leaders face in balancing their personal and professional identities. Together, we'll explore how embracing your true self can radically transform your approach to leadership, not just at the office but in every aspect of life. Discover how to harness the power of authenticity and learn effective strategies tailor-made for introverted women aiming to excel in leadership roles, all while answering your burning questions in our new listener segment.

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Speaker 1:

Hi, lady Leader, and welcome to this episode of the Leading Her Way podcast. This podcast is for you if you are an introverted female leader who wants to be the best leader you can be at, both home and work, or if you are an introverted, ambitious female leader who wants to take your career to the senior leader or executive level. I am your host, dr Nicole Bryan, and I am an introverted female leader myself. I'm also many other things I am a daughter, a stepmother, a friend, a auntie Actually, auntie is that's one role that I I mean, I hold all of my roles very near and dear, but that auntie role is so special to me for so many very reasons. I'm also a executive coach, I am a career strategist, I am a leadership expert, I am a chief human resources officer, I am a psychologist and many things. But probably the most important aspect is that I pull all of these things that I am and everything that I have learned throughout my entire career and pour it into this podcast to serve you.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you are new here, then you may or may not be aware that a couple of months ago, I started something new and different with the podcast, so I wanted to make sure that I was giving you the content that you wanted and you needed. So I actually started taking listener questions Now. Even though I am very, very introverted, I really enjoy hearing from you and every listener about what they like and even what they don't like about the podcast and the content and the topics that we cover here content and the topics that we cover here and so normally I will get feedback from you in my direct messages on LinkedIn or Instagram or you will respond to emails that I send out. But I also wanted to give you the opportunity to be proactive and if you happen to think about a idea or hear something about a topic somewhere else that you wanted to know more about and thought was relevant to what we cover here on the podcast, I wanted to give you the opportunity to ask that question. So I started doing listener question episodes and I will admit that, since this is still new, I haven't opened it up to everyone. The only individuals right now who can submit listener questions to the podcast are those who are subscribed to my weekly newsletter, which covers so much more than we talk about here on the podcast and so much more than we talk about on LinkedIn. So if you are someone who is looking for direct strategies and tips on a weekly basis on how you, as an introverted woman, can position yourself to be the next best leader in your organization or the new organization that you're looking to go to, and just make your way to my website, wwwthechangedoccom that's wwwthechangedoccom. Download my private podcast, Three Secrets to Success for Introverted Women Leaders, and you'll get access to three free resources automatically. You'll get the access to my private podcast episode, you will get access to my newsletter community and you will be one of a small group of women who can submit their listener questions to the podcast.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so let's talk about today's listener question. Now, this one is a really interesting one and, frankly, it's taking us somewhere we haven't yet really gone or directly gone to on the Leading Her Way podcast. Now, I don't know about you, but I have always found it difficult to separate, as a leader, particularly as a female leader, particularly as an introverted female leader, to separate my personal life from my professional life, because I'm one person, you are one person. So to think that we could draw a hard line between what happens outside of work and what happens inside of work is a little naive in my opinion, and that didn't stop me, however, from wanting to do that. I wanted to be able to be who I am at home, like I wanted to be able to be who I am at home, walk into my workplace, leave all of that home stuff outside the door and be someone different, show up a little differently at work, and for years decades actually I tried that and finally I realized it doesn't work. Now it's one thing when your company or your boss tries to force that on you, or even your partner tries to force that on you right, tries to force you to separate who you are at work versus who you are outside of work, but it's a whole nother thing when you have those same expectations of yourself, when we are the individuals who expect that and who have set a standard for ourselves, that we walk around with two different hats a work hat and a non-work hat.

Speaker 1:

That's what I used to do, and I finally got to a place where, well, one, it was just freaking, exhausting. And two, I recognized that it was unrealistic. And three, I was like I saw that I was not expecting that of the other people that I worked with. I was putting that burden on myself, but for my direct reports. I was caring. I wanted to know what they were doing outside of work. I wanted to see their personality big and shine while they were in the workplace. But for me, for some reason, I was expecting something different. But for me, for some reason, I was expecting something different and I was trying to hold back and separate out who I was outside of work versus who I am inside of work.

Speaker 1:

This phenomenon, I mean, we all talk about it. We've talked about work-life balance, and then we said work-life balance isn't possible. We should be thinking about work-life integration. And then we said, hey, integration isn't possible. And we've come up with new terminology. But no matter what you call it, at the end of the day doesn't matter what the label is. It really matters in terms of what you think, what you believe and also how you show up your actions, how you take those beliefs and turn them into day-to-day actions or non-actions, which is why today's listener question rings so very true to me. I feel like this could be me, maybe five, six, seven years ago, asking this same exact question.

Speaker 1:

And while it's true that here, on Leading Her Way, we spend the bulk of our time talking about career and professional life related issues, challenges, celebrations, all of those things we also can't get away from and can't ignore the fact that we are human beings and we have lives, interests, desires that are not necessarily career focused, and so today's question brings together both the professional and the personal life, and so we have Sharla to thank for that. So, sharla, if you're listening, thank you for putting this question out here, and I'm just going to read Sharla's question and then we're going to answer it. So Sharla says as a senior leader, I confidently make million dollar decisions and drive strategic change at work, but at home I catch myself micromanaging my husband and struggling to let go of control, from how he loads the dishwasher to how he handles our kids' schedules. How do other senior leader women successfully switch between being in charge at work and being an equal partner at home? Now, if you are married and you are a leader at work, I know that you can relate to this question.

Speaker 1:

But even if you aren't married, I think Charlotte's question can be extrapolated even beyond the husband-wife relationship, because many of us have other relationships that are central to our lives, whether it's the relationship with our children, relationship with our parents, relationship with friends, relationship with maybe we're dating and those relationships, we also may find ourselves thinking and feeling like we want to lead all the time, or maybe feeling like we don't want to lead all the time but feel conflicted about that. And that's essentially what Charlotte is saying, right? So she is saying, hey, I am in my relationship with my husband, who is my partner. I am in my relationship with my husband, who is my partner, but I'm so used to making decisions all the time at work and being the sole decision maker that often I find myself being at home and talking to my husband as if he is or if I am at work. And how do I adjust that? Or if I am at work and how do I adjust that? How do I make sure that I am truly acting as a partner versus not? So personally, I can think of relationships outside of my romantic relationships.

Speaker 1:

Where this comes into play, I'm always talking about leaders who don't have to always lead right. So, leaders, your natural instinct is to take charge, but sometimes the best leaders also know when and how to follow, and I'm not suggesting that this is the case for Sharla or should be the case for Sharla, but it just making me think about my personal philosophy on hey, even at work, even in the corporate setting, there are times where I, as a leader, I have to make the decision, I have to make the call and I expect my team to follow. But there are other times where I am not making the decision. I don't either have enough information or I'm not the subject matter expert, and I'll rely on my team to tell me what to do, and in those instances, I'm following. I'm literally saying hey, I don't know what's your recommendation, and once they say the recommendation, if it sounds good to me, then I'm off and rolling Like I will support that, I will champion it and we will get it done. But I'm not the decision maker in that instance and thus I need to follow their lead, even though I may be in a quote unquote higher ranking position than they are Right.

Speaker 1:

So to me, the smartest leaders know when to lead and they know when to follow. I think the same could be said at home. Right, you got to know when to lead, when to partner, when to follow. So, sharla, I can honestly say that I have been in the situation, or similar situation that you are right now, where my instinct is to jump in. Right. So there will be things that are happening at home with our boys or with my partner, when he's talking about things at work, or when he's doing things or not doing things around the house.

Speaker 1:

My automatic instinct is a couple of things. If I can do it myself, if you're not gonna do it the way I think it should be done, I can do it myself. Or if I'm asking my partner to I'm making this up, but if I'm asking my partner to take out the garbage or let's say, every Sunday is garbage day and if he doesn't take it out by eight o'clock when I'm ready to go upstairs and go to bed, then my first instinct is either to tell him to take it out even though I clearly know that he knows it's supposed to go out and he's going to do it. He's just not doing it on my timetable or my other instinct is actually to do it myself, which we all know that's probably going to start some type of argument or disagreement, right, because that's his responsibility. He knows it's his responsibility, he's going to do it in his own time. But because I want to feel better, like I want to feel good about knowing that it's done and we don't have to worry about it before I go up to bed.

Speaker 1:

My instinct is to actually do it, which in and of itself, I know intellectually is undermining him and his contributions. But sometimes I can't help myself. And so when I think about your question, charlotte, that's what comes to my mind, which is Sometimes it's important for us as individual women to take the leader hat off, and it's not easy to do that. I know for myself it's not easy, so I can only imagine that for you and others who may be listening it's not easy either. And why is that? It's because it's so ingrained in us, right. Why is that? It's because it's so ingrained in us, right. Being a leader is who we are, is just as important or just as a part of us as being a wife or being a partner, or being a daughter or being a friend. It's a part of who we are. So it's very difficult to imagine taking that out or turning that off per se.

Speaker 1:

And so what I would say in this instance is I think it's important to clarify or to get agreement with your husband about what he needs and what you need. And so if you I'm assuming that he has given you feedback about your tone. Or you're being a micromanager or you have caught yourself in terms of being a micromanager, but I would want you both to be very and this is the psychologist in me coming in here but I think it would be important for both of you to if you haven't already done it to articulate what you need from each other in this regard. So, in regard to the household chores and things that need to be done around the house, or how you guys will partner to manage your household, there likely will be a division of labor, and if you have already divided the labor, this might be an opportunity for you to sit down and talk about how it's working. Sit down and talk about okay, when we say division of labor, does it mean we're truly dividing it and each person does it the way they want to? So if he's taking out the garbage or he's creating the kids' schedules, he gets sole discretion and sole decision-making power over that? Or does division of labor mean that each one of you has the accountability to do it, but you get to share with each other your thoughts and opinions on how it should be done? Those are two very different things. Right and opinions on how it should be done. Those are two very different things, right, but making that decision proactively gives you an understanding or lets you have a leeway of how much you should be contributing, or how much you should not be contributing, to each other's respective roles and responsibilities in the household. So that's one thing I would say. Having that conversation and coming to the agreement on how you're not just what you're going to split in terms of responsibilities within the house, but how you're going to split them, do you get to share or say and tell each other what you think about or recommendations, or is it truly like split and keep going?

Speaker 1:

The second thing I would say is, frankly, charlotte, if you are micromanaging or you find yourself micromanaging your husband and what he is doing at home, then I'm going to bet that you are likely micromanaging at work. You are likely micromanaging at work and I think we all know that micromanaging, as a tendency generally, is not the best way to get the best results from whomever it is that you are working with. So if you're at work and you're micromanaging your team or even micromanaging your colleague hey, I know some leaders who micromanage their own boss and if that is you, then you already know that it may, in the moment, feel good to you, like, feel like, okay, I need to make sure that this actually gets done, but it damages working relationships. It gives you and makes you take on more work and more responsibility than you should. It leads to burnout, like there's so many negative things about micromanaging. So if you're doing it at home with your husband, there's probably a good chance that you're also doing it at work, and I would say that's a bigger issue that needs to be worked on.

Speaker 1:

But if you're looking for thoughts on how you might be able to stop it with your husband, I think that you will need to maybe ask him to. If you're aware of the behavior, then you can actually stop yourself beforehand, and I'll share a story about how I was able to do that in a second. So if you're already conscious and aware that you're doing it at home, then you can actually stop yourself, meaning that you can call the moment in your head and be like, okay, I know I shouldn't be saying this, I'm going to stop and I'm going to walk away from the situation. If you're not already aware of it, that you're doing it already, you might need to ask your husband's help, like, literally honey, when you see or hear me micromanaging you or trying to take over something that you're responsible for, I need you to give me a sign. I need you to give me a signal. The signal could be whatever two snaps. The signal could be honey. You to give me a signal. The signal could be whatever two snaps, the signal could be honey. You're micromanaging. It could be whatever, but some signal that makes you aware that you're doing the behavior that you don't want to do, and then you can actually stop it in the moment.

Speaker 1:

So the story that I was promising you is actually a little bit the reverse of what Sharla is experiencing, where my partner used to ask for my advice and counsel all the time, which I was happy to share. I have thoughts, I have ideas and, as a leader, that's kind of natural for me. What wasn't natural, however, was when my partner would want me to make the decision for him. Right, like, what should I do? And although some people could say, well, he's really just asking your opinion, yes, but he was also asking my opinion on situations that were very, very important to his business and other relationships that he had, and I didn't want to take that. I didn't want to take the decision away from him.

Speaker 1:

So part of my thing as a partner and as a leader, frankly, is I like to empower people. I like people to feel like they have the wherewithal to help themselves. That's part of what we do here on this podcast. Right, you and I are talking and being thought partners every week, but we're doing it because at least I'm doing it, because I want you to have more information, I want you to stretch the way you think. I want you to feel empowered to be able to take your career and your life to whatever heights that you want to, and that's how I feel about my partner as well. And so when the questions were asked of me in terms of what should I do, that's where I would put the brakes on. That would always be my trigger to be like Nicole you don't answer that question, because if you answer that question, he's going to run with it, and that's not his decision, that's your decision.

Speaker 1:

So part of me, in terms of knowing when to lead and when to follow, part of my struggle has always been I have to learn and know when not to offer guidance and advice, even for the people that I love. It's kind of like stories that I hear from so many of you about guiding your children Like your children will come to you and they will ask mommy, mom, what should I do? Sometimes you're able to help them think it through, which is different than giving them the answer, because part of our role as parents is making sure that our children are able to make decisions for themselves. We're preparing them for the world, and if we are always the one doing for them and or giving them the answer, then they're not going to be able to do that for themselves. I think it's similar for our partners, I think it's similar for our friends. I think it's similar for how we deal with our elderly parents. There is a time and place for each of us to lead in all of those relationships, but there's also a time and place for us to follow. And so, sharla, what I would come back to your question we've talked about a couple of things that you can do, but in particular, with micromanaging, we talked about that as well. I would also say, one of the things that Sharla didn't necessarily mention, but I've heard other women who struggle with kind of this situation talk about is the tone of their voice.

Speaker 1:

Specifically, they are so used to commanding at work in terms of when they ask for things or when they make decisions. They're usually instructing people on what to do and what to not to do tone with their children and with their spouse that feels more corporate-y and more directive versus more cooperative and more engaging. I used to have this problem as well, and so that's another thing to watch out for as well. Now, the way that I deal with this and if you are experiencing it, I would recommend that you consider dealing with it too is to practice checking in for understanding. So when you are communicating, often it's difficult to hear your own tone, and even when you do hear your own tone, what you hear may come off different from the people who are receiving it, and so checking in with them to see how they are feeling about what you've communicated and how you communicated it is a good practice to have. So what that would look like would mean that, okay, if you're talking to your spouse and you're asking him about taking out the garbage.

Speaker 1:

Going back to my example that I used earlier, you could also ask how you are coming across. Now, that takes a little bit of vulnerability, but it's so important because you are believing that you're communicating in one way, but it could be being received in a totally different way. So I might say to my honey, I might say hey, I was asking you about when you were going to take out the garbage, but did that come off as a question, or did you feel like I was being judgy, or did it seem like I was asking you, or did it feel like I was trying to tell you what to do? These are the types of questions that gets you to do a couple of things. One it makes you pause and acknowledge that maybe your tone needs some improvement, but then it also allows your partner to see that you're serious about working on it and, frankly, that you want their opinion on how you are coming across. Okay.

Speaker 1:

So once again, sharla, I really want to thank you for submitting this question. I just believe that we, as women leaders, each of us is a single person, and to believe that we, as women leaders, each of us is a single person and to believe that we can separate out those aspects of our personalities and who we are is unrealistic. And so your question reminds us that, as we are one person, there is the tendency that some of our skill sets, and some of our capabilities and some of our strengths, as well as some of our weaknesses and opportunities, will relay over into other aspects of our lives outside of work, but that does not mean that that's a bad thing. What it does, however, is it provides us with an opportunity to holistically look at ourselves as women, as introverts and as leaders, and gives us the chance to figure out who we wanna be and how we wanna show up in all aspects of our lives.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you have a listener question that you want to submit or a topic that you want to talk about on the Leading Her Way podcast, definitely go to wwwthechangedoccom and download the three secrets to success for introverted women leaders. Then you'll have the opportunity to submit your listener question. Until next time, lady leader, keep leading your introvert way. That's a wrap for this episode of Leading Her Way. Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions or ideas for future topics, connect and send me a message on LinkedIn and if you enjoyed today's episode, subscribe and please take a minute to write a quick review on Apple Podcasts. Your review will help spread the word to other ambitious females so they know they're not alone and that this podcast is a community of support for all of us leading her way to the top. Remember your leadership is needed. Your leadership is powerful, so lead boldly Until next time.