Recovery Unfiltered
Taking recovery discussion to a different level. Bringing comedy and the lighter side of sober living along with educating non-alcoholics and alcoholics. Hear real stories unfiltered.
Recovery Unfiltered
Navigating Recovery with Humor and Heart Episode #34
The episode dives into the complex interplay of pain, humor, and the recovery journey. We discuss resentment towards a higher power, the unexpected nature of recovery, and how laughter can help navigate life's struggles, underscoring the importance of community and authentic conversations in fostering healing.
• Laughter as a coping mechanism in recovery
• Navigating resentment towards a higher power
• Understanding pain as a teacher rather than punishment
• Accepting the unexpected nature of recovery
• Highlighting the importance of community in sober life
• Building resilience through shared experiences
• Embracing imperfections on the journey to sobriety
• Cultivating genuine conversations to foster connection
• Finding humor in struggles as a powerful tool
• The ongoing journey of growth and transformation
Thank You for Joining Us.. Please share with friends. If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcoholism please reach out to us. We can get you help. recoveryunfilteredpodcast@gmail.com
You sit on the toilet, don't you Use that?
Speaker 2:as your meditation. Not my wife, not your wife, nor anybody listening to this podcast has eaten a shit sandwich.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Cutting.
Speaker 2:Room Filter. I'm Larry. I'm an alcoholic. I'm Rob, I'm also an alcoholic. We are not professionals. There are no letters after our names. We know very little. However, you will hear the word God and a foreign word in the same sentence. You will also be.
Speaker 1:Rob, we may have to redo this. Just pass us by this podcast.
Speaker 2:It's not for you.
Speaker 1:Our opinions are just that. If you don't agree with what we're saying, that's okay. We're going to love you anyway? Probably not.
Speaker 2:You're not in any way affiliated with AA, so sit back, grab a beverage of your choice and get ready.
Speaker 1:Let's go Hi.
Speaker 2:Rob, what's happening, buddy, to redo that?
Speaker 1:I've been told we need to redo that so many times, but I, but you, just joined two of them you know the two that we've done, I kind of did I kind of just farted around with it, but we've had so but then again, like me and johnny were just singing that old dr pepper jingle from back in the 80s, and word for word people, people get used to people.
Speaker 2:Get used to hearing something you know.
Speaker 1:Here we go here's the thing I could tell you about every podcast I listen to, I fast forward through it. Anyways, there you go, bang, bang.
Speaker 2:You know you got the little 15 second jumps, you, you hit, hit it once and you're through it, you're, you're into the topic right and you?
Speaker 1:get you, get past it yeah, I, I normally so us doing the effort of going back and doing and changing everything. I don't know. Man, people hear it and they recognize hey, that's rob and larry them, stupid little fuckers. God, I gotta stop cussing so much I know I gotta get my.
Speaker 2:I gotta get my grammar fixed you'll be, we'll be fine me and larry been down to the river how y'all doing today.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's john, how come what.
Speaker 2:Our language is bad. We use a southern accent like they're. People in the South are dumber than us. I'm going to West.
Speaker 1:Tammy. Tammy said to never stop cussing and using the F word Cause we did the whole episode on F bomb. But when Katie was listening to this one she's like why are you saying that word so much? But we were pretty wound up on that, not the one that you're going to hear. Right, episode 31.
Speaker 2:She said she needed to laugh and that she laughed.
Speaker 1:That was a fun episode, doug did, he goes. That was one of the funnest ones we've had. I think that was number 31. I was wound up, though we both were.
Speaker 2:We were wound up. We were wound up, it's okay. I still haven't had my surgery, it I know. Hey, we gotta talk to dr pepper, that old lady you cussed at she's got you. You know, she's got you. Hobbled is what you got.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing, and I keep saying this and I'm gonna go back to this listen I don't believe god punishes us. I don't. I have a firm believer in that. We do that ourselves with you, thousand percent. But I will guarantee you he's teaching me a lesson. Oh yeah, he is teaching me a lesson guaranteed. Oh yeah, yeah, he is teaching me a lesson Guaranteed.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, what does it say?
Speaker 1:The sons that he loves yeah.
Speaker 2:He disciplines the sons that he loves. We get disciplined.
Speaker 1:The pain that I have when I drive and I drive a lot and I'm on a plane a lot that the pain that I have every time that goes shooting through me. I just sit there and go. This is all you, larry, just sit there, shut up.
Speaker 2:And it's had to say he just had to call her a fucking bitch.
Speaker 1:Hey, you're going to take every ounce of this, so take it. And you know what? I don't even get frustrated anymore with that pain. I got to laugh when I did, because I just flew back from Arizona and it's only about an hour and 20 minute flight, hour and 30. Actually it was San Diego, sorry, it was an hour and 20 minute flight. And the minute I sat down the pain was just incredible and I was just bouncing back and forth and all I could do was laugh at it. I'm like what am I going to do? I can't do anything and it's my fucking fault.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's a thousand percent. Shut my mouth. Did we learn? Did you learn something from it? Damn right, so I learned from it, grow from it, and we move on, and you won't repeat it, so that's good you know what that hope?
Speaker 1:you won't repeat it. Right and expect the unexpected. Right because it's still there. Right, expect it because that came at me so unexpected that it caught me off guard.
Speaker 3:That's one of those things that I've talked about before, um, where it's already come out of your mouth before you, and realize what you said. You didn't even process it, it just I didn't boom.
Speaker 1:It was an, it was all zero to a hundred. Oh that old behavior, Boom Yep. Crops up thousand percent Old behavior.
Speaker 2:No alcohol needed.
Speaker 1:Nope, old it was a thousand percent old behavior. No alcohol needed, nope Old behavior, that's to tell you. And immediately I felt like shit, but after I was too late, but it was yeah, the cannon ring the bell. What do they say? You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Have you ever tried to do that?
Speaker 3:It's like no, but you know what you could do.
Speaker 2:next it's like having sex with a limp Peter. But sex with a limp peter, but you need a shoehorn.
Speaker 3:How that is gonna work. Stop it. Just just go have a. Just go have a cup of coffee. Because if you felt terrible immediately, why didn't you make amends?
Speaker 2:why didn't you make amends immediately?
Speaker 1:well, we talked about this because, as I walked out right because I grabbed my shirt, I was pissed until the door shut behind me. And then, as soon as I got out in the lobby and that door shut behind me, I was like what the fuck did I just do and it? At that point it was too late.
Speaker 3:So the next time that that happens, what are you going to do? Before you leave the doctor before you even live in the doctor's office. How am I?
Speaker 1:supposed to know what to do?
Speaker 3:well, first and foremost, I'm not gonna.
Speaker 1:I will double check my ass before I walk into any room, right, but we talk about this. Be prepared for the unexpected, you know. Be prepared for what that drink sets. Sits down in front of you at a bar, right? Yeah, I don't recommend anybody sitting at the bar. I talked about that the last episode and I wanted to clarify something lay down.
Speaker 2:I don't recommend if you are a recovering alcoholic recovered recovered alcoholic, which means you mean you've worked your steps and had a spiritual way. As a result these steps, you have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind.
Speaker 1:I don't recommend anybody going to sit at a bar.
Speaker 2:Like I explained that I do but, but again, I don't have a problem if you're one dude, yeah I go to the bar too, but some people can't do, some people still, because they're uncomfortable they have an alcoholic.
Speaker 1:Mind. The book says well, okay, but some people are uncomfortable sitting at a bar. Go ahead, you're right, some people are uncomfortable. That's not that they have an urge for it, they just don't. I don't have any purpose sitting at that bar, right. I have no purpose except to eat. Yeah, people sit at a bar to drink alcohol, right. That that mind. I've always feel guilty about sitting at a bar. I may be taking up somebody's spot that wants to have a couple drinks, I feel guilty. But I also feel guilty about taking up a whole fucking booth and I'm by myself.
Speaker 1:Some step works on this guilt bullshit. Oh, I don't have a lot of guilt, I just you know you just said you feel guilty here.
Speaker 2:You feel okay, I don't have a drink or eat.
Speaker 1:They can sit next to you or they can wait till I'm done. They just don't do to have a drink.
Speaker 2:You know, I just try to be ginger, they know they can sit next to you and have a drink oh wait, you know what you could go have a roy, rogers, you know what?
Speaker 1:here's the thing my what's that fucker's horse's name? Anyway, trigger? Hey, there are no such things. Somebody said uh, larry, you know what? You just have a club soda. When you know we were talking about that, carry your yeti around with you. And I say ain't carrying my yeti around with me because I don't want people thinking what I may have something inside that drink well then just think well, okay, but go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 1:But here, here's the thing, and I do think about this a lot, right, not a lot I, this comes across. I carry aa pretty openly, right, pretty openly. I'm I'm sober out fucking loud. I mean now I I want to clarify something. I don't go around beating on a tom-tom, right, I don't stand in the middle of the beer aisle at the grocery I don't stand in the middle of the beer aisle at, you know, at the grocery store and go.
Speaker 1:You shouldn't be drinking, that I don't give a fuck whether you drink or not, I'll buy you a drink. I don't give a fuck whether you drink or not, I'll buy you a drink. I don't give a fuck whether you drink or not. But you're sober out loud, I'm sober out loud, right. And if somebody's got a problem, talk to me. We'll go find a quiet corner and we'll talk. We'll go over it. But I'm not going to be standing inside of a bar preaching about alcoholism.
Speaker 1:That's not what I'm talking about whatsoever, no, what I get thrown out. My point is I don't want to be drinking a club soda with a lime in it, and a person that I've given amends to across the other side of the bar has seen me drink a soda water and in their mind they're going that fucker's over there drinking again, right, because they don't fucking know. I'm not going to give them the opportunity to think that way.
Speaker 2:I got you Okay.
Speaker 1:If I'm going to drink a soda, it's going to say Pepsi, right on that, motherfucker Right. Or if I'm going to drink a nice tea. It's going to say Gold Peak Tea right on. I'm not going to give them an opportunity. I don't want somebody, because there's still some people that want me to fail.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:There is a bunch of people that I had to make amends to that still want to see me fail. Right, I will. I promise that and I don't have a problem with that. I'm not going to give them pricks the satisfaction of having a chance to say see, look, look, there he is, he's back to it.
Speaker 2:All them fucking tattoos all the tattoos, all that preaching, all that. Look at it. Change the date on that tattoo.
Speaker 1:He's drunken in talk about holding your own self accountable. Put your sober date on your arm yeah, you talk about putting a bullseye. I can't wait for that I don't give a fuck.
Speaker 2:I ain't coming my wife has an uncle. He had been married three times. Wife's name. Wife's name had like a big void void. He tattooed void over it jesus.
Speaker 1:Oh, oh, my God, johnny. Anyways, yeah, welcome back.
Speaker 2:We didn't get into this last time, which I wanted to, and I listened to our podcast again preparing for this one. I had asked you a question about God and you'd only answered the first part of it.
Speaker 3:Well, that's what happens when you give somebody ADHD with ADHD two part questions you may only get one part answer right.
Speaker 2:So the set, you had a resentment.
Speaker 3:So, yes, you, you, if I remember correctly, your your question was you know, did I believe in and did I have a hard time with that, With the higher power part of it? Right? So, yes, I, I do believe I went over that last time. When I got sober and got here and I started doing that step work, I realized that one of my biggest resentments was towards that higher power God.
Speaker 3:I choose to call God. And it went all the way back from okay, why did you do this to me In the beginning? It was like why did you do this to me Right In the beginning? It was like why did you do this to me?
Speaker 2:And we say do this like, take your mother away. Yeah, why?
Speaker 3:take your mother away from me. Why couldn't you help my dad? Why couldn't you do this and why didn't you do that? If you're this God, you have all of this power. Why did you do all this? And I was really resentful towards all of that. It wasn't until I read and understood the book of Job in the Old Testament. And God doesn't do things to you. He may allow things to happen.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:Right, because if you believe in God, yin and yang, good and good and bad, black and white, you know if there is a good, then there is an evil, right? So?
Speaker 1:they're all.
Speaker 3:There has to be an opposite of everything there has to be an opposite, absolutely there has to be an opposite of everything, and so so this and why would a good god allow bad things to happen to good people, right?
Speaker 3:well, right, you know, but I, that's where. That's where it goes back to, where everything that happened led me up to where I am today. You know, I, I, everything, every. I believe that in the in the beginning, that everything, every single one of those things had to happen right to to set the set in motion, to lead me up to all of the bad decision making that I was doing right. And then I had to um, and then I, to get me to where I was, when I was just broken, defeated and and absolutely, uh, willing to just be raw and give it all up did you?
Speaker 1:did you have an original belief in christ? I'm growing up. Or god period, or god period higher power yeah he did, yeah I did.
Speaker 3:You had a good, you had a good knowledge of, but that the god that I, the god that I believed in at the time, was that fire and brimstone you're going.
Speaker 2:Okay, you're going.
Speaker 3:You're going to hell. There's, you know, there's only, there's only one way to get to heaven and and and by god.
Speaker 2:And then the preacher telling you don't do this, don't do this, don't do this. And by the time I was 13, 14 years old, I could remember that son of a, oh yeah, looking at me and basically saying and young man, if you think about it is just as bad as you're doing it. Yeah, son of a bitch, I'm thinking about touching that thing for 10 years, man, what are you talking about?
Speaker 3:so I might as well do it, and I found out if I'm going to hell anyway just for thinking that I might as well enjoy the ride, baby, and here I go, yeah, and that's kind of and that's where it was I mean, I'm not going to heaven anyway, right, that's why you did think, yeah, like fuck it, I'm not going to heaven anyways. And then the only time that I did pray was those nine one one. You know you get me out of this one.
Speaker 3:I'll never do it again, and then, oh god, a bunch of times I got out of that shit. Or you know the accidents, or you know the getting shot or all of the other shit that happened, just like you shared yesterday.
Speaker 2:We don't see his hand Right, we're not looking for it. One, because we don't recognize it too, so we're so To answer that question, yes, In, in, so I don't forget again to answer that question.
Speaker 3:Yes, you know, god was on my original resentments list. He should be.
Speaker 2:You know, and, and, and, and. Yeah, you know, a lot of people had that, john. A lot of people feel that resentment towards God but it was never really his fault.
Speaker 3:No, that comes into that. You know, three years sober that, that epiphany that I had looking in the mirror that day, going Whoa dude, you're really not a victim, know that?
Speaker 1:that's. That's that's what we talked, okay hold on.
Speaker 2:We talked about a little denial last, yeah, and then you know, that's also a victim mentality yeah, that's that victim mentality too.
Speaker 3:Right, like were you? Everything happened for reason. But look at the man that I am today, like you, if each one of those things wouldn't happen, even even when I was doing messed up stuff when I was under the influence. You know the fighting, the arguing with the in the relationships and that kind of stuff you know. Going back to, you know what I watched when I was, when I was a kid.
Speaker 3:You know, and all of those things that I thought were normal. I just thought everybody did that. I didn't realize that. You know your dad, didn't? You know whatever?
Speaker 2:And yeah, I need to function, thinking it was function.
Speaker 3:I need to make this perfectly clear about my father. I loved that man, he I looked up to him, he, he very sick individual, and I still try to teach my children, especially my boys, a lot of the things that he taught to me, just in a much different manner.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:Right, you know the work ethic, the love and just a lot of that, Just a lot of that.
Speaker 2:A lot of do as I say, not as I do. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's one of the other things you used to say to me Do as I say, not as I do. But we don't do that we repeat actions, right?
Speaker 3:So yeah, and then I turned into that, I turned into exactly what I didn't want to. And your father you mean, yeah, being that, you know, because I said, I said last, time doug had said the same thing.
Speaker 2:You know I turned exactly the same thing. Yeah, pat said the same thing. I, you know I had grown up saying I'm never going to be that I'm never going to become that.
Speaker 3:I'm never going to become that. And I became that. And then some you know, because I wasn't working, where he always held a job, and you know there was all of that stuff and and then all the way to I was everything that he was, and then all the way to I was everything that he was. And then some you know that the, the yets that he had, I started accomplishing we're going to talk some more about those, but yet you turned.
Speaker 2:Okay, cause the one thing I, we all know, the one thing I disagree with is when people say I was waiting for you to come back here. I was going to bring this up.
Speaker 1:I wasn't going to let that go. This had to happen.
Speaker 2:No, gonna bring this up, I wasn't gonna let this had to happen, no, right, no, it didn't, it didn't have to happen. You know what I didn't say?
Speaker 3:I, I don't mean that it had to happen, right, but it did happen, it did happen, it did happen and we made happened right and it did happen and it made me the person that I had and that I am today.
Speaker 2:When you, when you turn those, happening when you turn those happenings over to god. He, when we came to the rooms of a with the book, says and we turned, you know, as we turned our will and life over to the care of God here. This is what I am, this is what I've done. What can you do with this? Let me show you, son Right, because I've seen what you can do with it. John, I've seen, rob, what you can do with it, and you're going, robin, I'm going to cause.
Speaker 1:I've talked about this, you're, you're I. I'm going to play a little devil's advocate here. What you're saying is it didn't have to happen, right? It didn't have to. No, and you're a thousand percent correct, it didn't have to. There's a lot of things that didn't have to. God could have gotten me here. There's a lot of things that didn't have to happen. Correct, there's a lot of things that didn't have to happen.
Speaker 1:I think what John is saying, because I have said it myself I needed to go through the things I went through to be the man. I am right. Did I have to be mean to certain people? No, I didn't have to be right, I didn't have to be. Did I have to be right? I didn't have to be. Did I have to do the things I did? I didn't have to. Did I have to hurt the people I hurt? No, I didn't have to. But I did. You did Right. And in order for me to let to stop hating me to do the amends I had to have that I had to do my own amends to myself. I had to come to the realization, because of those struggles, because of that stuff that I did. It made me here, it got me here. It took a certain amount of pain for me to finally break.
Speaker 2:I get that. The only reason I critique people on this is because I want you to be careful, because when you say I had to do this to, get here you're making God the author of your evil, which is not his fault, You're right on that one.
Speaker 1:That's all I'm being careful, but there's a fine line there.
Speaker 2:There's a line there, but we must take ownership of our shit and not blame him for it, but I had to accrue a certain amount of pain for me to be broken.
Speaker 1:That's true, that is true, that's what it took. Yeah, so, anyways, I just wanted we go through this crazy I'm sitting here between you and I agree.
Speaker 3:I agree with both of you, right, I mean?
Speaker 2:I know what people are saying when they say that right, but I don't think they realize what they're saying. Is you know?
Speaker 1:like we learn lessons by our mistakes, so we should um. If you don't, you're an idiot.
Speaker 2:We didn't up until the point. We were in enough pain.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, and you're right, but going through the shit that I went through, looking back, I can tell you there's another thing I want to bring up.
Speaker 2:There's people that are going through bullshit like we went through that are not going to learn from it. They will, and I know a lot of guys that have died before they got this.
Speaker 3:That's where insanity comes in right.
Speaker 1:They've died.
Speaker 3:Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
Speaker 2:But you can't blame God for that because they never turned it over.
Speaker 3:I never blame God for anything, but when you say when people say I had go through a, b and c for god to get me to here.
Speaker 2:You know to be the man I am today. What you're saying is yeah, you know every step that every step that I took, every word that I've spoken has already been written down in some fucking book. And there's no free will, right bullshit there is.
Speaker 1:We make choices sorry, john we, I think we derailed you no no, no, we're absolutely accurate right, no, no, I, I just you know, because we, because we go, it does, rob, it does Words matter, and trust me, I live that daily, because so I even brought that into a meeting.
Speaker 2:I just and if you don't hold the alcoholic accountable, yes, they're going to denial. They're going to find avenues of here and there where it's God's fault.
Speaker 1:It's his fault.
Speaker 2:No, no, no. Own your fucking shit Right and don't blame god for it. Right period.
Speaker 3:So there's there's two parts to that right. So there's there's the early stages of that, where I had absolutely no part in any of that.
Speaker 3:I didn't have any part of, you know, my mom dying or my dad being an alcoholic, or or some of the stuff but then that, then, at a certain point, right, right at a certain point, right At a certain point, everything I became responsible for the things that I was doing. Right. So I still say, in my opinion, is that I still went through everything that I went through to become the person that I am today. Some of it, I don't think that had I not gone through those things, that I would be where I'm at today, and that's just my, my personal belief. Right and even, even even with a lot of the poor choices that I made while, while while under the influence, right, when, whether I was even recognizing that I was making those choices at the time or not, because there's blocks of years that I don't remember, like I can't tell you anything that happened good in 1992, or bad period, like I don't remember the year 1997 also an entire blur when you guys and you and pat were talking about that, the meals group I started.
Speaker 2:I went home and I started looking at some of the things, I started looking at some of the pictures and I went back to one of my Navy times.
Speaker 3:And then you realized that 92 to 94. You realized that you don't remember. There's stuff in there that you don't remember?
Speaker 2:Singapore, Hong Kong, Japan. Oh shit, I'm looking at these pictures. I know where I was at. Okay, I can't remember. Damn, I don't remember.
Speaker 3:Yeah, right, right, son of a bitch.
Speaker 1:Son of son of a bitch right, I know I had a good time.
Speaker 3:I think you know, you think I didn't catch anything. So yeah, damn thing. So you know, just to enlighten everybody, we were talking about blackouts right in a meeting like you're coming in. We were talking about blackouts in a meeting and so not only blackouts, but just time.
Speaker 1:I don't remember see I, I never, I don't have any of that most of the 90s were a blur for me.
Speaker 3:So if there's anybody out there and something happened and it was in the nineties, man I may or may not know, I did that. So if you didn't get an amends, I am truly, I truly apologize, because I don't even remember.
Speaker 1:You said something to well. We were going to talk about yets. Right, I want to get into that yets. But I mean, I wanted to make sure you yet.
Speaker 3:But I mean, I wanted to make you have a lot of them.
Speaker 1:I I don't know he put his, he put down the shovel way sooner than we did. It's you know what. God bless him. Yeah, and I did and did it. But you did and didn't, and you're right, because I've done a lot of damage. I've done a lot of damage internally in my house?
Speaker 2:yes, we're talking about. You know what some?
Speaker 1:people never got a dui.
Speaker 2:They never you know, lost a marriage. They never destroyed a.
Speaker 1:You know there's but I'm gonna tell you right now I never lost a marriage, but you know what and I I I listened to a couple things recently and why it's pulled up on my algorithm, algorithms on is beyond me why this has started happening. But I was listening to jordan peterson speak and he was talking about how you have to lose. You know how a marriage most of the time has to split apart for it to come back together and be healed up. You know, katie and I got into a great conversation yesterday and I know how it got there. But and I'm not going to go down that but Katie and I are able to talk and have conversations now that we've never in the 30 plus years. You know we got married in 91. So it's 33 years, 30, whatever that we've been married and we have better conversations now than we ever have in the entire time.
Speaker 1:And and if you take the period of time that I was at alcoholic, that we were separated, emotionally separated, right, and now emotionally I'm coming back and emotionally I think she's coming back, you know, because emotionally she was done with the marriage too. Right, we weren't physically separated, but we were emotionally separated, emotionally. I had checked out?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because who wants to be with an alcoholic? That's why she now I mean you say sometimes it doesn't bother you, but when she was having more intimate conversations with the dog, right then with you she's gonna, because you were. Well, who wants to talk to us? Right, right, selfish, self-centered, egotistical, right she's got larry wants to talk to himself yeah, well, he does, he cheats cheetos up here, god damn it well, like that, like the meme that I sent yesterday.
Speaker 3:You know, larry gets kidnapped and you know the four hours later he gets returned. Hey, I'm gonna tell you right now, and hearing him talk about sobriety, the rob last or not last night.
Speaker 1:But last night so, but hold on where this is gonna drop. A week week after that, when I spoke at living sober yeah, I literally, uh, I don't know I turned around and I looked and I'd been talking for 45 minutes and I was like, fuck, I haven't even begun to talk.
Speaker 2:Start I was just getting warmed up, she, Priscilla, goes hey, 30, cause it's it's a birthday.
Speaker 3:It's a birthday speaker, you know it's about the birthdays and she goes a half hour.
Speaker 2:I said Larry, and he meant you know, she thought he was joking. I said baby, he ain't joking.
Speaker 3:He ain't joking. He can literally talk to himself for four hours straight.
Speaker 2:Every fiber of his being, to the core of his soul, he's getting ready to go lay down some perfection up here.
Speaker 1:I love to speak, man, you know what Like. I said I have a blast doing it. I feel you know that's why we go into the jail.
Speaker 2:Don't muzzle an ox when he's treading out the grain. The Bible says.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you want to hear a funny one. I went to go into the jail. I go in the first Wednesday every month. They wouldn't let me in jail.
Speaker 1:Well, it's because you don't know how to know when your fucking pass expires, but it was still funny Like they wouldn't let me in. I went to go in. They're not gonna let you in without a valid they didn't tell me what my pass was expired, but still do you know when your driver's license expires? Yeah, it tells me on the birthday yeah on my birthday.
Speaker 3:No no, I did I got that matter of fact when I when I sent the email to the jail. I'm like boy, my, my, uh, how time flies when you're having fun or something like that.
Speaker 1:I was just like sorry man. Actually you reminded me to check mine because I mine came up.
Speaker 3:I got my pass shortly after yours yeah, because when they let us back in after covid, I was one of the first ones back in, so I wasn't even thinking about it. I was honestly thinking it was in february or march when we did our, our annual stuff that we have to do.
Speaker 2:That's the prius, yeah yeah, the Prius stuff, so um there's a yet no one fights the judges Johnny's first, yet trying to get back into jail. Right Fighting to get back into jail.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, yeah, it's just so weird. You know, you go up there and you give him your ID and you're up. He's like we can't let you in. I'm like, well, why? And he's like, wow, and I and I left my buddy that that went in was going in with me that night. He, you know, he goes. I talked to him the next day, he goes. You got really weird. I'm like it was it was only because, you know, before they wouldn't let me out and now they won't let me in.
Speaker 1:Hello, can I get in please? Please, let me in.
Speaker 3:Like I just want to come in. As long as you let me back out after an hour, we're good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that, uh, so back to the yet yeah, so I mean, that was one of the things when I went into rehab, right, when I went into rehab and I sat there and I was listening to these people talk about all this shit that they did and I had that was the hardest thing for me to to understand identify that I was a you know?
Speaker 1:because, like I said before, I knew I was an alcoholic, but I wasn't an alcoholic of their type, right, of their type. I wasn't under a bridge, right, I wasn't under a bridge.
Speaker 3:I never stole from anybody. I never got a.
Speaker 1:DUI.
Speaker 2:Right Never got a DUI All the time.
Speaker 1:Never got a DUI, I never got any of that shit right, but I did lose. I lost probably the most, but those are all yes. So every time you say that, just say yeah, right, yeah I have yet, but I did lose. Probably the one of the most valuable things to me, and that was the respect of my wife, the respect of my kids and the respect of my son-in-laws, and that was the. That was the nail breaker that put me into rehab, is when, when they wouldn't take my phone calls anymore and would not talk to me anymore. That's, that was my, that was my. No, this has got to change. Don't. Don't mind the fact that my liver is failing.
Speaker 2:I'm about ready to die, don't worry about that shit, don't worry about that shit.
Speaker 1:I fuck it because I was wanting to die anyways, and if I died that way it was going to be okay, because my depression was so fucking bad so fucking bad I didn't care if I died, but god, don't take the don't let me drink away the last bit of respect that I think you have for me, and that's fucked up thinking. That's some fucked up thing. Alcoholic thinking right.
Speaker 3:See, that's why I didn't. For the longest time I didn't believe that I was an alcoholic, because I had yet to get a dui, I had yet to ever get in any trouble. You know, when I was drinking I never lost a job. I, you know, I'm perfectly fine. You know I did all that.
Speaker 3:I mean I cut off an ear yeah, while I was drinking like the bike ride of hell over the tracks you know I was such a good drunk driver I guess I didn't get pulled over that. But I can't. You know, I can't ride a bicycle across the road tracks hold on, and you did not need any painkillers.
Speaker 2:They did it with whatever alcohol you had your body yeah, that's all we need, son.
Speaker 3:I wonder what the number was it was it had to be, it had to be terrible way to kill most people.
Speaker 2:I'm sure you know, you it?
Speaker 3:had to be terrible, whatever.
Speaker 1:Whatever it was well, john you, when you were on here last time, I got so enamored by heather being here that I didn't really give you a chance to speak I'm sorry, I talked for an hour and 40 minutes that's a backhanded compliment, if I ever heard it hey, call it what you want.
Speaker 1:Heather I was. I knew john, right, I knew john. You guys know me. I love stories. I love hearing people's and this may sound really I want to preference this in two ways. I love hearing the pain that people went through to see where they are at now, because we all have a story right. Some people are worse than others and nobody's is as bad as what's in your own brain. My right, my struggle that I came out of was probably in me, was brutal.
Speaker 2:It was my, it was. Our stuff's always turned into someone else's because it's our experience.
Speaker 1:It was my pain. So I love hearing stories of other people's pain because I take something out of it and I hope to God that I can use that to help somebody else.
Speaker 2:But we can also empathize too, because we've been there.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And then when they hit something that hits them, that's, they hit something that hits them just like when they have that switch Right when they see the light, when their doctor's switching we go back to our own experience.
Speaker 1:Man, I can feel that Well, here I go talking about Before we couldn't feel anything Talking about Heather again, I'm actually trying to get-.
Speaker 2:Well, go ahead. She was so enamored, John.
Speaker 1:You're not right, john, but by God, if I said I know, I know, I know and I don't care that she wears high heels, it's fine with me. She wears boots, not high heels Both, let's get it straight Both. So we cut you off on telling your stories. We didn't.
Speaker 2:He did, I did.
Speaker 1:And I'll take the hit Quite literally.
Speaker 3:We're done. John, stop Heatherather. How you doing. We turned around and hit the key and we were just like over, we're done, I'm like john, sorry, so he hits the button.
Speaker 2:He's gonna shut your mic off, stop heather how you doing.
Speaker 1:Let's shut john's mic off, john.
Speaker 2:Stop it, john stop so I?
Speaker 1:that's the reason why a I love you. I love you to death. And two, I wanted to bring you back on because I know everybody's story, just like mine. I tell my story for a purpose, right, I tell it for a purpose, so it helps. I wanted to give you an opportunity to to come back in and tell a little bit more of your story about I wanted that second question answered.
Speaker 2:What you did, the resentment towards god. You know because, yeah, and I because I tell you what that is. In the rooms of aa and people come in because either jesus got beat at, either got the jesus beat out of them, or there's always some kind of and I believe wholeheartedly that every biblical and theological heresy begins with a misconception of the nature of God. What is God? What's he like? Not what we're taught. And now, now three of us have a certain experience, as John calls it, which is perfect A relationship with the lover of our soul, the creator of our being. I have a relationship. I don't. It's, it's a knowingness. Now, it's not a faith, it's not a belief, it's a knowingness.
Speaker 1:I know him and here's the thing that I grow. I tell somebody you're not going to tell me what my relationship with my god's going to be like no you know, because he's going to tell I've had that conversation a lot yeah, there's no way
Speaker 1:god don't like when you do that bullshit. Shut the fuck up. How do you know what he doesn't like and like about me? No, you don't know my relationship. No, but no, that's what I tell people. Well, god don't like it when you say that stuff fuck you. How do you know?
Speaker 2:I don't know how they know, how do you know?
Speaker 3:who's the one that said fuck was a bad word?
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know I don't either.
Speaker 1:Do you know what fuck stands for? Society says that I have no idea.
Speaker 2:Society says it's not appropriate. Yes, society.
Speaker 1:Fornication under consent of king. That's what the original stands for.
Speaker 2:Fornication Under consent of king. Well, I've heard that there's also for unlawful carnal knowledge. For unlawful carnal knowledge.
Speaker 1:Something like that Wait, what is shit? I use it just because I don't have a better word Shit. Do you know those of?
Speaker 3:us that-. What does shit stand for?
Speaker 2:They say science says Stack high in transit and shit.
Speaker 3:Science says that those of us that cuss a lot are actually smarter than most.
Speaker 1:Well, I cuss. I hope I can say that.
Speaker 2:And also John if you're debating with someone, you're talking with someone. They start raising their voice. They're getting louder talking with somebody, they start raising their voice.
Speaker 3:They're getting louder. That's a sign of low intelligence.
Speaker 2:It's very much.
Speaker 3:I'll tell you what if you're talking about debates? As soon as you call me a name, and I don't care what it is, you've lost.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, you have absolutely lost. And I don't care what that name is whether it's a cocksucker or a narcissist or whatever like, even if it's true, dirty or not clean or not, it or not clean or not, it doesn't matter. If you weren't there when I did it, shut the fuck up.
Speaker 1:Prove it 20 bucks is 20 bucks 1000%.
Speaker 2:Lips and lips and tongues are tongues, shut up.
Speaker 1:How's your sponsee doing?
Speaker 3:He asked me a question.
Speaker 1:Well, motherfucker go, god damn, you haven't shut up long enough for me to go. I ain't saying another word for two minutes.
Speaker 2:I know how you can push this shit out there two minutes, I'm not saying anything, ready go so, anyway, when we were talking earlier about me coming back, we were.
Speaker 3:We were talking about, yes, right, because I told you that's what I kind of wanted to talk about a little bit.
Speaker 3:That's that feels that I feel like that's what God has has put on my heart is about those. Yeah, so if you're out there and you're still, you know, running amok, whether you're you're drinking or using, you're you're dealing dope Like I was doing, you know, I knew a lot of folks that were manufacturing or whatever, and you have yet to get busted, whatever. And you have yet to get busted, you have yet to get caught. You might want to start thinking about trying to, trying to to turn your life around, because even you know, even after almost and I'm not trying to take a front, but I'm coming up on 22 years, you know, I'm just a couple of months shy, you know. So I mean, it's more than way, more than 21 years of sobriety. You know all of those, all but one of those charges I've been able to. You know there's two different avenues to get to get rid of those things. You can either get them expunged or you can get them reduced from felonies to misdemeanors.
Speaker 3:Um, unless you have a class, a felony, but you need a pardon, you do I do correct, absolutely correct, um, because you know, thank you nancy reagan and her war on drugs. I say that I don't know if it's true or not, but they linked. You know drug dealing and it doesn't matter if your buddy gives you 20 bucks and has you go to get the connection. You know, go to the connections house and you leave there and you get caught. That's still dealing right. You're buying prescription meds on the street from somebody that that is still dealing dope. You know if you're going to your, to your sister-in-law's house and you know she's giving you prescriptions that aren't, that aren't yours, that is still considering dealing Right. If and if the law wants to bind you up, you can and you can't get rid of that Like. That doesn't go away and you lose all of your rights for life unless you can get a pardon from your governor, of whatever state you're in. That's, that's the way the law is written. So you know, I've been trying to do that for a long time. You're eligible after 10 years from your release of custody and one of those yet's is I've, like I mentioned last time, it's been I've yet to go to prison, right, but, um, under the current administration in the state of California.
Speaker 3:Everything was, everything was uh, was basically dropped. Everybody that had an open pardon case in the case in the state of California was closed and you had to go and refile and reopen. And then everything went through the parole board, the California parole board. You know I went through that in a month. Well, the parole board probably looked at my stuff and was like you know, after I refiled and everything was like this dude ain't ever been on parole. You know, he's got this one charge left.
Speaker 3:It was one time. There's no violent crime. There's no, any of that stuff. I mean, I, I meet all the requirements and I've met all the requirements for the longest time, but have yet there's one of those. Yes, every time, you know, a couple of times a year, you know there'll be a press announcement because I always look and you just just depending sometimes Thanksgiving, depending on the year. So I'm always looking at that time and and, oh yep, there's a press release and I go look and every time I get down to you know my last initial, you know my heart starts to race and you know, skip right on by and I'm like, and then I read them, I start reading them, I start reading who got pardoned for what, when they're because lists what their crime was.
Speaker 2:Uh, when it happened, you know whatever. Um, yeah, it doesn't look as good to pardon. You know one. One last thing. So you can, you'll get your guns and go, you know, so you don't have to just bow hunt anymore well, it looks good with a good party some no good. I should you know someone with you know more to me.
Speaker 3:I I believe that everybody deserves a second chance absolutely hands hands down. You know, when I, when I very first filed, you know that was one of my biggest things, you know, is I wanted to go back, be able to go back to, you know, hunting and doing the stuff that I grew up doing with my dad. You know that was one of those last things. You know, the day he died we were going hunting that day, you know. You know so I wanted to be able to teach my son to do those. You know those kinds of things and that kind of stuff.
Speaker 3:Where I'm at now it's, um, you know, I've I've been denied jobs. Um, the state of California has now, you know, made it illegal for you to ask those kinds of questions. Um, you know your criminal history and whatever, but I, but I was sitting in, um, I was sitting in a job interview and they got to the last page and they're like they literally at this job. They literally said to me who do you know here? And I said, well, why? And they said because you would have never made it through this part made it through this far, the first vetting process.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, you wouldn't have made it through the first vetting process I can't remember exactly how they worded it or whatever to even get here. So who do you know? And I said, well, I know him and I know him, and this is a round table interview, right, I said I know that guy and I know that guy, and I know this guy and this guy and this guy. And they're like, well, we still can't hire you. You, because you're a felon, you know? And and I'm just like, okay, fine, which is really funny, because the next job that I got I was going into that facility when I was driving trucks.
Speaker 1:So I'm just like are you right? Did you ever get your hazmat?
Speaker 3:no, you can't. No, but I have my, but I, but I have my twit card what I do so that doesn't make sense to me, so correct, so I so
Speaker 2:you have your what car? It's transportation workers uh identification credential.
Speaker 3:It's a card, it's a transportation worker's identification credential.
Speaker 2:It's a federal clearance.
Speaker 3:It's a federal clearance. It's the same thing as a TSA FastPass. I can use my TWIC card as a TSA FastPass. That's what I use. I qualify for my hazmat license.
Speaker 1:Right, it's all his federal. It's a federal clearance, it's a federal clearance.
Speaker 3:So if I because I have my Class A license the next time, because I wouldn't do it in the middle. But the next time my driver's license comes up and I don't know what that date is, I'd have to look on the card. I can add an endorsement to my license. If I wanted to add my hazmat, All I got to do is go down and get my fingerprints done.
Speaker 1:It's the same but the federal clearance is done. That's what that tweak is.
Speaker 3:Yes, but they're separate. Tweak is yes, but they're separate. So no, I understand that. Yeah, it's the same clearance. Yeah, it is the same clearance, but you have to go through the process twice, right, and they don't even want you to make the appointments the same over there at tsa, like you got to go make your hazmat appointment and then come back again for your for your tweak appointment.
Speaker 3:But yeah, so I I meet all of the requirements that I can. I can drive down the road with a load of gasoline. That you know that, Larry gives me a job and I can haul explosives, but I can't. But that's right, I can't.
Speaker 1:He can drive a truck that he could drive through the fucking capital and burn the whole fucking place down.
Speaker 2:But God damn, don't give him a gun.
Speaker 3:Right, fucking stupid. Yeah, yeah, I know those are just things that I've never understood about the process, right? So you know back to the back to that. Yet you know I that that is yet to happen, do I do? I hope that it happens someday, absolutely. I mean, maybe somebody from you know a news outlet who knows I don't care, you know, it is what it is. I'm not all I really want to say about that is I'm not that person that I was anymore.
Speaker 3:I am absolutely not who I was when, when I was out there running amok doing those things you know none of us are, though I mean you.
Speaker 1:you had to make a change to get what we're at 22 years of sobriety, there's no way you could still be that same no friends, okay, 21.95 you're right.
Speaker 2:No friends, baby, no friends. I'm not a dope dealer anymore.
Speaker 1:I don't do never even heard that before till last night well, you saw last night yeah, first time I ever seen no friends, no friends so what's on the sponsors?
Speaker 2:you know, you know giving their coin, but they wouldn't give it to them. You know, here, happy birthday in two days when you actually have one was one day.
Speaker 1:One was one day well, tomorrow, you can't have this till tomorrow. I'm like right, yeah, no fronts that's absolutely no fronts. Oh, that's been around for a long time. I you know what. Honestly, three years in this, well, I can't say three years now, it's 2.84 I got 5 000 I'm like yeah, so 10 day shy is every 22, no um, april.
Speaker 1:So you know what's funny is our group, we got, we got three birthdays back to back to back. It's all three months in a row kevin, kevin, brad and then me. Yeah, so kevin just had his br. Brad and then me. Yeah, so Kevin just had his Brad, his next and then my big three. You know what's funny is I was talking to we had Jason too. Jason started seven. Yeah, sorry.
Speaker 2:The other, jason got six the week before.
Speaker 1:Jason Allen. No, Jason oh sorry. Well, Jason Allen's been on here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Jason, so is the other Jason been on here? Yeah, jason um, so is the other jason, jason r. Yeah, but I thought he just got seven. He just got six, jason allen got seven. Okay, jason r got six. So that's.
Speaker 1:I just had this conversation last night, um, about that five year to ten year.
Speaker 1:You don't see a lot of people in this program, because life gets right really good so I just had this conversation with, with jim, the one of the guys that spoke I keep saying last night, but this was two weeks ago um, one of the guys that spoke because he just celebrated his, his seventh and I asked him about that and he goes. No, the last two years have been really difficult. He goes but I doubled down on my. He said I doubled down on my when I felt that. He said I doubled down on my on my uh, commitments.
Speaker 1:He says I I just because you everything just gets so good so that's when you know.
Speaker 3:Um, in that area, right there is, when I did the other thing, I reverted back and was hardly going to meetings at all and dry, drunken for a long time and just why I don't, and and I white knuckled it where I said last time but your first, what like?
Speaker 2:my first three years I was everybody. It was like six or six or seven, very, very, very, very yourself.
Speaker 3:I buried myself. I was basically working two full-time jobs. I was working full-time at work and then I was volunteering volunteering full-time so the foundation, we laid, like you and I did then our early cornerstone.
Speaker 2:Baby, you got the cornerstone I never, I never, I've never gone out, I've never gone anywhere. I've always been.
Speaker 3:It doesn't stop the isms from coming back because you know again. We are granted a daily reprieve depending upon what wrong our spiritual condition. Uh, no wait, the maintenance of our spirit.
Speaker 2:I don't like that word. I like the gross shortly into my recovery that I'd said there's no way I could do this, no way I could do it like you guys done it every night. If I'd have done it that way out of I would had, I would have hated, which is fine. All you need to do, and there's, there are. There are, I think, 13 musts in the book. It was get a sponsor work steps right, so let me put this.
Speaker 3:This is this is what I tell guys in the jail all the time right I get to leave bitches.
Speaker 2:No, no, no.
Speaker 3:Well, I don't wear I actually okay I don't wear somebody else's underwear if, yeah, I don't if, if, if you're gonna say that there's, I say I tell them this the only difference between me and you is, one, I'm not wearing somebody else's underwear and two, I get to go home tonight, right, hopefully, right, hopefully, right, but yeah, so because other than that, I don't know guys in jail. You know they put all the dirty boxers in one big washing machine and you don't know who's coming out, who's wearing those. Last week, right, but I try to tell them all the time that if you put half as much effort into your recovery, as you put into your disease whatever
Speaker 3:just half. And if you stop and you think for just a minute, I I know from personal experience. There was times and I never really did this with alcohol to the extreme, but I definitely did it with the dope, um it was. I could remember that there was times where you were talking about that anxiety of not having it in the you know earlier today, where that anxiety would spike so high that my hands would clinch and all I could think of was how do I make this feeling go away? And I need to get high right now, or I need to have a drink right now or I need for whatever this.
Speaker 3:I have to make this go away, right now and if you take half of that just half of that and you put that much effort into your recovery. So I had 20 years of drinking and using so I knew that I had to. I was told early on that I had to put that much effort into there. So if I was an everyday drinker and user, I had to do something that had to do with recovery every single day. Right, I had to, because that's what I had to do at the time to get where I am today I think the reason why I bring it up.
Speaker 1:I had to do that absolutely, but that was your personality, you had to do it. Yes, yeah, I mean there, I want to make darn sure we understand, because I, you know one of the things and we talked and I thought about this after one of our podcasts Rob, you have a good thing, you say this, I know you and I know why you say it. You know we. You have to do it this way. You have to do it this way. You have to do it this way. One of do it this way, you have to do it this way, you have to do it this way. One of the things that I know people have a hard thing about aa is that you they don't. Nobody likes to be told. You have to do this. Bill wilson didn't tell anybody in this book. This is how you have to do it.
Speaker 2:This is the way it's worked for people, right, this is the way further on page 29 it says further on a clear-cut direction is how we have recovered further on, and on page 164 it says this book is meant to be suggestive.
Speaker 3:Only right so.
Speaker 2:And then there's 13, but I you must do this or you won't get this you must do yeah, well, it just says it says you must or you won't get this right, right it doesn't say that you're not going to get the program.
Speaker 3:It says if you want this, you must do this first and and.
Speaker 1:I think and I just thought about that means because in our podcast before, when we were talking about triggers you, we were saying you have to do this, you have to do this and you know, what.
Speaker 2:And I have to do it. No, no, no.
Speaker 1:And you're right. Right, but I think for us and for our listeners that are listening to that listen, we believe it's what we, you have to do. Right Because and the reason why I say it that way is because over a period of time it's been tested and it's been trued that this is the right way. You talk to anybody that jumps in and out of AA. It's because they didn't do it the way we talk about doing it. You listen to those guys that spoke the other night, all those other sponsors that were talking about their sponsees. They all said they jumped in, they did the work, they did this, they did this, they did this. Nobody in this program have I ever spoke to so far are successful at this program that didn't follow this book. What are you two fucking? You two are going in're listening in your books.
Speaker 1:One of you is digging it. You're probably going to the same fucking page, but you guys are digging into something. Rob's brain is about ready to explode over there he's trying to find something no, I'm not fighting, I find anything.
Speaker 2:No, we said we just did it. We must, or it kills us, right uh?
Speaker 1:but. But once again, I know your personality and I know how you speak, but what I want to make sure of is that people that listen to this understand that, the reason why and I'm adamant that way too- I'm very, very passionate, and I'm that way too right.
Speaker 1:But listen, if this program works, if you work it, if you work it, if you don't work it, you're going to be drunk, right? And the reason why I'm okay with saying that is because in the three years I've been in this program almost three years I've watched it happen multiple times. People with 20 years, with 20 years, what are you two looking for?
Speaker 2:We're listening to you. I'm listening.
Speaker 1:Bullshit. You two fuckers are digging into that book trying to find something that I said that you want to bring back up. No, oh I might.
Speaker 3:I was trying to find something that was going to prove your point.
Speaker 2:Oh well, which one was what are we looking for?
Speaker 3:I'll tell you what's up.
Speaker 1:Rob give. Rob and I was on a tirade a couple weeks back. We were saying you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to. If you want what we have, we really suggest you need to do it this way, you do what we've done. If you don't want this happiness. And what do you Keep doing what you're doing. Keep doing it the way you're doing it right.
Speaker 2:You're just going to get what you're doing. Keep doing it the way you're doing it, right? You're just going to get what you get to it. This book is meant to be suggestive, right? Is this like jumping out of an airplane? We suggest you take a parachute, we suggest you pull the rip, or?
Speaker 3:or fucking hit the ground something soft well then another thing we don't live in a feather factory back to where we were, you know, a little while ago. You know, if we go another couple more pages on to page 33, love it, page 33. We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again in in quotations. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are, in short time, as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind nor any any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol and that brings up the last part of
Speaker 3:what you know my story, which is I tell people I say this all the time again can I drink today? Absolutely, I could have a drink today and I would probably be fine. And in really, really short order I'm gonna have two, and in short order it's going to be a six-pack, right, and then, in super, super short order, I'm gonna start to, you know, feel a little bloated because beer's not going to do it for me and I'm going to go back to Jack. We love Jack, love Jack. Jack has all.
Speaker 2:Jack was my first sponsor.
Speaker 3:Jack was my first sponsor. He had all of my dirty secrets right back in the day, but anyway. So then it's not going to take long that I'm going to be having fun.
Speaker 3:Because in the beginning it's always really really fun and you're having a good time, and then, in really short order, I'm going to get really really drunk and then I'm going to want to party some more, because I and death at that point, Because I will stop at absolutely nothing if I put methamphetamine in my body again. I said this a hundred times too. I know that I do not have another recovery in me, Hands down. I'm not that guy that's going to walk into a meeting and say I got one day.
Speaker 1:Right, after all of this time, I would never come back.
Speaker 3:You guys would never see me again. I would disappear off the face of the earth.
Speaker 3:I would go back to being homeless like I was in that last year. I promised my bosses, when they hired me, I I told them my whole story and because not only you know we were talking about, you know the TwitCard and all of that other stuff that where I work we were regulated by Homeland Security right when I work at. So so I, yeah, so anyway, so. So I promised my bosses a long time ago if I ever took a drink again that I would just walk in the door and hand in my keys and walk out. I'm done, I can't do this anymore I'm not going to do it because I know where I'm going to be.
Speaker 3:I've been it been there short.
Speaker 3:Yeah, in in a very, very, very short amount of time because I have done it enough and moved enough and, you know, tried enough and tried to control enough and done all of that stuff and, you know, got clean but never really sober so many times before that I know what's going to happen. I know me because, me john, this guy right here I don't like paying bills and I don't like, you know, having to get up and go to work every day and I don't like having I I still don't like authority, like we never do, no, and and um uh, I'm still kind of a loner, I still like to be by myself and I would get loaded really quick and be done and just done.
Speaker 1:scary thought process though I mean, but that's why that's one of the biggest reasons why me sober.
Speaker 3:That's why I don't. That's why I don't get sober.
Speaker 2:That's why and I why you don't get sober, that's why and I think my, when I say that kind of stuff to my wife, she gets scared. When I say that, no, no, well, yes, yes, words matter, it does, but, and it scares my wife. But what he just did was something we were not able to do before we worked these steps. We were not able to play the tape. No, no, we were not able to play the tape same thing.
Speaker 1:As soon as that is that they set that drink in front of me at the dinner the other night, I instantly recoiled as soon as I saw it.
Speaker 2:I was like like a hot flame, like yeah, I was.
Speaker 1:Like oh, you know I do that every once in a while and then I'll grab it and I'll go take a big old sniff.
Speaker 3:I'd laugh back down.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I, I don't, I, I well, it wouldn't bother me, but God damn it. I never even thought about that until John just said it.
Speaker 2:The only thing I've sniffed was a can of Copenhagen.
Speaker 1:It's like damn, why'd I put?
Speaker 3:that shit in the house the last time I was. I don't know, I've never done that I don't know if I want to. I opened the freezer at the house and there's a bottle.
Speaker 1:Did I just contradict myself? I don't know. I don't know that I've done that. I don't.
Speaker 2:I haven't. I never even thought to do that, because I've never smelled. I didn't have that thought, but I've never smelled it. I don't know. I couldn't tell you what Jack Daniels smells like. Why did I just say it, though I wouldn't want to do?
Speaker 1:that I know a day old. Don't fucking say trigger. That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I don't want that contradiction being run out there no, there ain't no such thing as a goddamn trigger well, there is, he's stuffed in museums. No, I just so gene autry was a singing cowboy. Roy rogers was the king of cowboys, correct?
Speaker 3:I don't, yes no, so where was john wing?
Speaker 1:he's the he's the third and he was the duke, what the fuck are we talking about? Let's get the fuck out of here. You missed my fucking question. What was my sponsor? I'm talking to my sponsor right now.
Speaker 2:You didn't have a sponsor. It's a question.
Speaker 1:We're brothers now yes, what's the question? What I just talked about, I said I would. I don't think I'd ever want to smell it. Am I fucking saying that would be a trigger? No, you just don't want to. No, you just don't want to smell it.
Speaker 3:You just don't want to smell it.
Speaker 1:But yeah, but the thought that went through my head when I said it was I don't know how I would react.
Speaker 3:So the biggest question is why did I want to yeah?
Speaker 1:Well, I just thought about it.
Speaker 3:Dude, we are a walking contradiction.
Speaker 2:We are alcoholics who do not drink, have not drank for almost 22 years, coming up on three years. We are alcoholics that do not.
Speaker 1:We are walking contradictions now you make me want to go smell let's go smell it.
Speaker 2:Oh, crack that bottle. You know it's downstairs. I want to smell it.
Speaker 1:I don't want to hey put my finger.
Speaker 3:I don't want to I guess that's what I don't want to. Let's go smell it.
Speaker 2:No, I want to smell it now. I want to smell it. I'm gonna go smell it let's go.
Speaker 1:Well, hold on.
Speaker 3:Let me pull down my pants first no wow let's get hold on one second one second one second um, I ended every a meeting that I used to do at the original fellowship with this for for years and years and years. And I and I want to do it really quick because, well, first off, we're not affiliated with a in any way, but we do read its book. So on page 164, it says our book is meant to be suggestive. Only, we realize we know only a little.
Speaker 3:God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask him in your morning meditation, which, 164, it says, will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the great fact for us. Abandon yourself to God, as you understand God. Admit your faults to him and to your fellows, clear away the wreckage of your past, give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. Trudge, trudge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then. Thanks for having me on, gentlemen, thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining us today. We hope you learned something today that will help you If you did not come back next week, and we'll try again If you like what we heard.
Speaker 2:Give us a five-star review. If you don't like like what you heard, go ahead and tell us that too. We'll see what we can improve. We probably won't change nothing, but do it anyway.
Speaker 1:Thanks, rob. Come back next week and hopefully something will be different and something will sink in. Take care, this has been Recovery, unfiltered.