Recovery Unfiltered
Taking recovery discussion to a different level. Bringing comedy and the lighter side of sober living along with educating non-alcoholics and alcoholics. Hear real stories unfiltered.
Recovery Unfiltered
The Angry Sober Guy's Guide to Not Being an Asshole
Confronting raw emotions without numbing agents is one of the toughest challenges in recovery. We explore how anger manifests in sobriety and practical ways to process difficult feelings when you can no longer escape through substances.
• Brandon shares his experience at six months sober, describing the challenge of facing life's frustrations without any escape
• Discussing how alcohol numbs negative emotions and the resulting emotional intensity when that coping mechanism is removed
• Exploring the connection between resentments and our own character flaws
• Looking at how unprocessed anger affects family relationships and the importance of open communication at home
• Recognizing that peace and serenity, not just abstinence from alcohol, should be the goal of recovery
• Learning practical techniques for dealing with anger: pausing, identifying triggers, talking to others, and finding healthy outlets
• Understanding that sobriety is about breaking patterns and learning new responses to old triggers
When harboring resentments, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. To live in recovery, we must be free of anger - it's poison for the alcoholic.
Thank You for Joining Us.. Please share with friends. If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcoholism please reach out to us. We can get you help. recoveryunfilteredpodcast@gmail.com
You sit on the toilet. Don't you Use that as your meditation?
Speaker 2:Not my wife, not your wife, nor anybody listening to this podcast has eaten a shit sandwich we didn't have a hand in making.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Recovery. I'm Filder, I'm Larry, I'm an alcoholic.
Speaker 2:I'm Rob. I'm also an alcoholic. We are not professionals. There are no letters after our names. We know very little. However, you will hear the word God and a four-letter word in the same sentence. You will also be offended. So if you are easily offended, just pass us by.
Speaker 1:Please don't, though, stay here. Our opinions are just that. If you don't agree with what we're saying, that's okay.
Speaker 2:We're going to love you anyway, but our opinions are correct, though For the most part. So sit back, grab a beverage of your choice and get ready.
Speaker 1:Just not alcohol. Liquid death.
Speaker 2:Hello.
Speaker 1:Rob.
Speaker 2:Hello Rob, Hi Larry, how are you? Am I sounding all right? That sounds like shit to me. No, you look good, I look good but I sound like shit.
Speaker 1:No, you sound fine, all right. Good, what does it sound like to you? Hollow Really.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's take a look. Don't worry about it, I'm good.
Speaker 1:Your soul's hollow. That's true, but my. That is funny. Welcome back, welcome back. Hey, now I sound like.
Speaker 2:now turn me down. I sound loud to me, but I made it sound good to you. How do I sound, Brandon? You sound fine. Okay, yeah, I don't know what you're fucking worried about. I have a disclaimer.
Speaker 1:Oh God, here we go.
Speaker 2:Because you asked me. Last was this.
Speaker 1:Is there going to be any of that?
Speaker 2:No, no, no, Okay, my wife hates when I do that Thursday last, when I took Bonnie to the airport, and then that first Sunday you said, hey, now that Bonnie's gone, you know, and I said I'm going to do some hunting and fishing.
Speaker 1:Your mouth got you in trouble.
Speaker 2:No, I guess she texted me. She goes have you done any hunting and fishing? I said no, I've done a lot. I go, yes, dinner doing dishes and mowing the lawn. And then, apparently, brandon. I said, uh, yeah, I want to be single for the next, uh, six weeks. I didn't know that. So this was her reply, because she doesn't usually listen to the podcast, but now that she's with my sister, who listens to it every wednesday, she got to hear it. And so here's her reply the fuck, you are single for six weeks. I'll beat you and rip a bitch within an inch of her life. You're all mine all the time, forever, and, if you know my wife, as these two do that is 1,000%, 1,000%.
Speaker 2:I am not a single man for six weeks. I'm still a married man, just without a wife.
Speaker 1:Hi Brandon. Hello, Larry, I hadn't even introduced you yet, so we got Brandon back in.
Speaker 2:Which we have planned, oh yeah, Must be another 90 days then no, you're.
Speaker 1:So yeah, we wanted to bring you back. We've been working through a couple things, and so we're going to dig into some today, cool.
Speaker 3:How you?
Speaker 2:been. We're going to dig into.
Speaker 3:Brandon, I'm having a good day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Not every day has been good, but today's a good day.
Speaker 1:How far along 90? Some days, no. But today's a good day. How far along 90? Someday no, six months in a week.
Speaker 2:So we're at that, which was perfect. Right Now we're at another 90. The first 90, he was like when we got, when I was here it was.
Speaker 3:Oh, I was on fire yeah.
Speaker 2:So what happened, or what?
Speaker 3:what do you catch up? Just trying to move through life without any? Uh, there's just no relief, you know. You just deal with it all day, every day. There's no going home and getting away from anything anymore no escape, no escape exactly. I'm used to I mean ever since I was 14 that every night or all day I was either high or drinking or something.
Speaker 1:And now is this a longer shooting sober?
Speaker 3:off of everything. Yeah right right. This last time I went 60 days in rehab. I waited another 60 days and then I started smoking weed.
Speaker 1:So now you had a sober right.
Speaker 3:You had another numbing process yeah, and now I have there's nothing so I did some death god, you know, in the past you know, I did some uh
Speaker 1:after I saw you yesterday, I did some because you know what's funny is it's not funny, but it's reality. Right I, I go through, brandon, I go through exactly what you go through. Right I, I deal with it a little differently. Um, I shut down, but I'm a sad clown, right, I think.
Speaker 2:Brandon shuts down, I do, but I'm a sad clown.
Speaker 1:It's very hard for people to see it because I shut down internally, but when I'm around people I can open up right. That's part of that depression thing that I went through for a very long time.
Speaker 2:Like the actor.
Speaker 1:Right, that was a mechanism I used when I was around people. I was perfectly fine, but inside I was perfectly fine, but you were dying Correct. So and I'm still that way now, right, I don't want, I don't want to be a burden on somebody else, that's just me. I don't want somebody else to go. Man, larry, you okay, I don't, I don't want that.
Speaker 1:If I'm not okay, I typically will spew that out in a meeting. I mean, you guys have heard it right, or I'll do it on the podcast and I'll do it somewhere. But I've gotten to where I can read people, we can. And I saw you yesterday and I knew that you were struggling, right, I knew that you were kind of getting into that thing. So I talked to Rob and we decided let's bring Brandon on. He was kind of wide open, right, we were going to record today anyways, and I had another topic, but I'm going to deal with this one.
Speaker 1:So I read some stuff this morning and I want to talk about a few of these and I'm going to read the first part and then we'll talk a little bit. It says people in early sobriety often experience anger because they are no longer using alcohol to numb difficult emotions, forcing them to confront raw feelings like guilt, shame, frustration and past trauma that they might have been avoiding, leading to a heightened emotional state where anger can manifest easily. Essentially, sobriety exposes the underlying issues that were previously masked by substance use, key reasons why sober people might feel angry no more numbing Alcohol acts as a depressant, effectively numbing negative emotions. So when someone stops drinking they may suddenly feel the full weight of their issues without a coping mechanism.
Speaker 3:I've got some more stuff in here. Yeah, there's no coping mechanism. After've got some more stuff in here, right? Yeah, there's no, no coping mechanism after a bad day at work, right, which I've had a few now what is it?
Speaker 2:what is a bad day?
Speaker 3:frustration. You know things aren't going right right now. They got us doing I'm a sheet metal worker and they got us doing fiberglass duct. I've never done fiberglass duct.
Speaker 2:I'm not a fiberglass guy yeah, they want us to put this stuff together and it's like I don't know nothing about this but I've watched you work, I mean, but I'm laughing because I see rob gearing right now.
Speaker 1:I know where you're going. Right, I've seen him.
Speaker 2:He's like he's like aaron's, like love our brothers, which is not like me I can't do.
Speaker 3:I mean he's talented he can do anything, it's not in my comfort zone, right, and it's not what I've done for 30 years that I've gotten good at, which isn't what I do in the Bay Area either.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you a question.
Speaker 3:I'm more of a welder and a fabricator and I go to the Bay Area and now I do duct work. Can I ask you a?
Speaker 1:question Sure, can I ask you a question? Sure, did it pay you any differently?
Speaker 3:No, it pays less, okay it pays pretty good.
Speaker 1:Did your reaction? Did your day go? Did you still work eight hours? Oh yeah, so you still got pay, you still went home, you still did all that. Then what the fuck does it matter if you work with fiberglass aluminum?
Speaker 2:He just had to take it out of his comfort zone.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but I'm trying to get you to see something here that it doesn't fucking matter what. But I don't look at work that way, and I also have the. The three-year itch is what I call it. What's that? What is it if, after I work at a company for three years, I'm ready to move on?
Speaker 1:wow, that's a different subject, because when you when you first started a company.
Speaker 3:You don't know anybody in the office. You usually know one or two guys that probably got you hired. You don't know their boss. You don't know anybody in the office. You usually know one or two guys that probably got you hired. You don't know their boss. You don't know all the coworkers around you and all their drama. After three years you've learned all the drama. You know who's lazy, who doesn't do their job, who's the whiner, who's the baby, who gets all the attention. Well, now I've been at this company August will be three years and I'm getting that itch because I know everybody. I know who's the, the golden child, the one that gets all the special attention, and it's just like I'm ready to move on.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to, I hope, but that's just my pattern has been once after about three years I got to move on and here we are in, in the sober life. We are in the process of breaking patterns right which are not easy, right especially. You know those. However, you know what is the and this is human beings. But us, what are the two things? Alcoholics hate change and the way things are right and we live it.
Speaker 3:We're living in either one right that reminds me of a little cartoon that I saw yesterday and I took a picture. I know this isn't video, but you two can see this.
Speaker 2:I'll act it out. And it was perfect. I'll pantomime that.
Speaker 3:This was me right here, I know bitch.
Speaker 2:This is what we got Life and sobriety.
Speaker 3:With a rainbow and a beautiful day.
Speaker 2:This is unbearable, and Life and sobriety.
Speaker 3:With a rainbow and a beautiful day. This is unbearable.
Speaker 1:And then a picture of you sitting in fire going on in the living room and the place is burning down and this is fine.
Speaker 3:I thought well, that's where I've been.
Speaker 1:Why do we get that way Perspective yeah.
Speaker 2:Because Brandon says you know what makes up, because, remember, I never say bad day.
Speaker 1:Right Hard.
Speaker 2:I mean even burying people going through cancer. I've had a lot of hard days. Never had a bad day in sobriety. But perspective Right it means and he said frustrated days because things weren't going his way.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I deal with that. I try to dictate how things go at work, but I'm not the boss. I used to be a boss and now I'm not. But I still try to dictate no, we're not doing it like that, we're going to do it like this. And then I look at the boss and he gets looking at me like you don't get to tell us how to do it. It's like, all right, I'll shut up, but I know how to do things the easy way. And it seems like more often than not we're doing things the hard way. And then that gets frustrating and it's like you know if we'd just done it my way we'd be done already.
Speaker 1:You know, one of the biggest things that has resolved a lot of that with me, brandon, is, you know, my sponsor, who sits over there across from me. He told me one day. He said he said you know, most of your resentments come from your own character flaws. And I had a hard time understanding that for a little bit. But once I actually started to dig into that it made so much sense to me and I know that that little short pecker over there didn't come up with that on his own.
Speaker 2:I'm sure he read it. I am short, don't talk about my pecker.
Speaker 1:But that helped me so much because when I realized that and I really started digging into when that person over there upset when I get pissed off with that person, why am I pissed off with that person, Right?
Speaker 3:Something inside yourself.
Speaker 1:Right, it's something that I don't like that that person's doing. Yeah, I can't change what that person's doing. I can't Right. So what happens? We got to go back to 417. We got to page 417. We so what happens? We got to go back to 417. We got to page 417.
Speaker 2:We got to learn to accept right, we got to just accept that. That's the way.
Speaker 1:It is Right For the moment, right now. And if we do that enough times, eventually those things that come up like that no longer bother us.
Speaker 2:They're still there. They're still there, but they don't bother us At work you say, hey, Rob, we're going to do it their way, we'll make more money because we're going to do it twice, right, you know.
Speaker 2:And that can be frustrating because are they going to learn from it? It doesn't matter, right, it doesn't matter. Like I'm in the same we talked earlier this week a couple times I was frustrated, right, you know? Yeah, because there's a better way to do it. And then they got me guys with 30, 20, 30, 40 years experience with a young boss who wants to do it this way. Well, as long as no one gets hurt, we'll do it your way, but it's frustrating because we can be done two hours sooner, but whatever.
Speaker 1:But it doesn't hurt, and this is what I keep going back to.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter. Peace, right Do? I want peace of heart and mind.
Speaker 1:How do you want to live right, do you? You want to live with that anger and that anxiety inside of you? You don't, I don't. So the only way I can do it is when I feel that coming go. Why? Why is that? Why am I starting to feel that way? What is it about me that's making me feel this way? Right, that guy is not doing it the way I want it to be done. Well then, I have to look at it this way. I have any kind of can I change his thought process? I can give suggestions, but I can't change him because he pays the bills and signs my check, so I'm not going to change him. Same way with doing it. You know, will they come to me and ask my suggestions? Absolutely. But guess, on the other side of that, I got people behind me that don't like the way I do shit, whether it's my wife, my kids, uh, somebody that works for me, somebody that works around me, somebody works under me.
Speaker 2:They don't like the way I do things I'm also bringing for. Speaking of that, I'm bringing the frustrations of that guy right home to my family yes, yes they shouldn't have to deal with that no god, no just because I can't deal with it properly now but I don't even want to live with myself, though.
Speaker 1:when I get like that, if I don't want to live with myself, though when I get like that, if I don't want to live with myself, why the fuck am I going to put my family up to it? We do. I did for years. I don't anymore.
Speaker 2:We close them out and we're inside and they're afraid to come to us, especially in early sobriety, because is he going to blow up?
Speaker 1:Like I used to, if that was one of his tails.
Speaker 2:Is he going to go drink? Well, I, I'm glad he's sober. Fuck, are you? Yeah, I mean, how can they be?
Speaker 3:but here's one thing for the three of us. Well, here's one thing for the three of us right because we, we also believe us another way.
Speaker 2:I mean, we have the same god. And the other book we read says we don't work for that guy, we don't work for. Even the big book says we have a new employer. Yeah, I can go to the fucking page if we want to. Let's go to page 30. Sorry, guys, here we go to the big book. That's why I put that book in front of you, fool. And it's not page 30, it's not page 31, it's page 58, sorry idiot, keep talking.
Speaker 1:Paper, paper, paper anyways. Uh, brandon, that's one of the things that's helped me so much in this sobriety and, honestly, why that come about. Do you want me to shut up when?
Speaker 2:we sincerely took.
Speaker 1:Motherfucker, this is for Brian. God damn it.
Speaker 2:Well, because we don't work.
Speaker 1:What if I had a good thing? I was saying, you just interrupted me, hold on to it, good God, because the big book I got ADHD, I'll forget.
Speaker 2:First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we had to decide that hereafter we had to decide God was going to be our director. He is the principal, we are his agents, he is the father, we are his children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphal arts, because we're always building something in AA through which we pass to freedom, and that freedom is 62. Self is mentioned 12 times.
Speaker 2:When we seriously took such a position, we decided okay, god, you're it, you're my boss, you're my employer. All sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new employer. Being all powerful, he provided what we needed. If we kept close to him and performed his work well, whether it's fiberglass, whether it's sheet metal, whether we're welding, whether we're digging a fucking ditch, provide his work well. Established on such a footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more, we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life, as we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully. We were reborn. So we don't work for I don't work for George Reed I work for I don't work for George Reed.
Speaker 2:Right, I work for God. So, but when I think about cause, I luckily, this whole week I've been digging ditches, picking with my little boss next to me, but Littler than you, he's about my height, but he just does not, don't have the guns. Anyway, I love him, I mean, and he's a smart, but I'm also working with electricians, and every one of these electricians are believers, and I was. They could see me getting frustrated and I could see them getting frustrated. We would bounce anything because Kurt would walk by. Hey, rob, jesus, you don't. You don't work for them. I know it says on your shirt, but remember who you work for, right, yeah, and then I'm good, restart, reset yeah, but but how do we prevent it to get to getting to that part, right, I mean?
Speaker 2:and that's what I can't always because we're human right but we brand has been growling for a while a minute. You've been growling for a minute? Yeah, I have been it's just been not did you take that home with you, or how do you? How do you handle it home? I don't just shut down have you noticed?
Speaker 3:I don't act, I don't fake anything no if I'm not happy, you can see it. I can't uh my pastor has told me. Well, you know, you just fake happiness until it comes.
Speaker 2:Fake it till you make it. I don't. There's no faking it. I don't buy it. It's not going to work.
Speaker 1:I don't buy that.
Speaker 2:There's some instances where act as if especially if you, I mean for those loved ones because they don't know, because we don't fucking tell them and tell them, right, is he mad? Is he mad at his boss? Is he mad because they don't know? Just like we talked about, what do we like? Larry goes. Well, you just told brad, right, I got something to talk to, but I'll call you later what you know, what the alcoholics using me and brandon were just talking about. Well, fuck, it's probably not gonna be good, you know. And we sit there and stew on our family does the same thing. No, is he mad at me? Right, did I say something? Did I not cook dinner? Right, whatever? And they're just sitting there on pins and needles, like they were when we were drinking. So what's the fucking point of being sober?
Speaker 1:No, what's the point of having a sober husband if he's not going to talk to me and communicate Exactly?
Speaker 3:Right, that's where I've been.
Speaker 1:So it's like, if you're going to be like that, you might as well go fucking drink.
Speaker 2:Right, you know.
Speaker 1:I mean, I'm not trying to speak, for your've been talking more. We talk more now.
Speaker 2:She's making sure you're not out chasing girls. I'm on Life360.
Speaker 3:She knows exactly where I'm at 20 hours a day, which is fine Something I heard at church today and we've been hearing it a lot, but maybe I just heard it today finally was that you know you've been. If you've accepted God or Jesus into your life, you've been forgiven and you need to let all that go and no matter what's going on in your life. You've already reached victory, so you should. It should be I don't know if I could say it right, but it should be evident in your personality that you've we won.
Speaker 1:You've won, it should display, and I need to take that and I've been thinking about it.
Speaker 3:It's only been an hour or so, but I've been thinking about that since I left church and I've been trying to. I think that we got home and my wife said well, you could just start spreading the joy here and don't worry about spreading it to strangers right away. She goes just spread joy around our house for now. I said yeah, I'm trying to?
Speaker 1:Is everybody walking around you nervously at home?
Speaker 3:Yeah, every time my kids walk through the room. Are you okay, dad? Are you in a bad mood? I'm like no, I'm fine, I'm just sitting here quietly. I'm like no, I'm fine, I'm just sitting here quietly.
Speaker 1:I feel like saying I'm not drinking. I mean, what more do you want from me? Well, you want a fucking pat on the back for not drinking. But you know what they want dad. Yeah, they want fucking dad, and you know. The sad part about it, brandon, is that we've seen the other side of you. We've seen you happy and joyous.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1:And we have to get there. But but to me it's a process that I have to go through all the time because, like I said, as soon as I feel it I want to resolve it right, same way as I do any instant gratification. As soon as I feel that, that anger or that starting to shut down, that weight starting to come on my shoulder, I have to stop and go. What's causing? Because I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be that person, because I was that person for so very long.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be that person and, for God's sakes, I want to be joyous, I want my serenity, and you guys have heard me say this so many times the alcohol is not why I stay sober. It's not right. I stay sober for my serenity and the peace and the happiness that I have in life. That's why I do it, and if I don't have that, what's the point? Right? So I work on that piece and that serenity more than I do anything else. Like I said, alcohol is not a thought process for me anymore, it's not? Well, no?
Speaker 2:problem anyway.
Speaker 1:No, now my process is how do I keep this peace and this joy that I have found through my sobriety? Right, yeah, by getting involved in AA, by getting involved with the men, by getting involved in helping somebody else. I have found this serenity and by using different ways of of how I deal with my trauma and how I've dealt with my past and how I deal with other people. I've learned that process of I can't change you beyond my nose. I can't fix anything past that I can't. And the more I try, the more angry I get and I just I ceased fighting. I don't want to fight that battle because I'm not going to win, no matter what everybody around me loses. And I lose when I try to change people past my nose.
Speaker 2:Can I share a couple of things as far as a big book, as far as family, we'll go ahead and allow you this one time.
Speaker 1:I appreciate that.
Speaker 2:The page 19. I got to just read you that and I'm grateful that you got a great sponsor, because a lot of the stuff that's highlighted should be fucking highlighted, because it's easier for me to find as it should be in your book, because that's what it says, a good sponsor would have brought his own book.
Speaker 2:Well, I got the big book, but I know where to find it. It says that, the page 19,. None of us would make a sole vocation of this work, which is, I'll call it, some sponsorship meetings, you know. Nor do we think it's effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that the elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of these principles love, tolerance, right A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs in life. So practice this shit at home is what he's saying now. Let's go to the family afterwards, brandon, this would be a great one. The head of the house, which is us, ought to remember this is. This is not highlighted in his fucking book. Like I'm reading shit because there's a highlighter in the back.
Speaker 1:If you want to go ahead and fix that, all right.
Speaker 2:The head of the house ought to remember that he is mainly to blame for what befell his home. He can scarcely square the account in his lifetime, but he must see the danger of over-concentration on financial success or any other success. Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place money first. For us, material well-being always follows spiritual progress to every preceded hope. Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them.
Speaker 3:Yep, oh yeah, I've definitely created all the mess I have.
Speaker 2:So when Jamie said, start spreading some love here, I had to do the same thing because I would go out and someone would call and I'm there, I'm helping, I'm helping. But what about the? What does the big book say?
Speaker 1:Right Home first, yeah home first.
Speaker 2:Right Home first the rainbow you showed me Right, let's get it going yeah me.
Speaker 1:Let's get it going. It's yeah, yeah. That to me, is the number one, because if I, if I don't have a happy home here, I can't, who the fuck am I to go out and tell somebody else how to get serenity and peace if I don't have it myself?
Speaker 1:yeah well, the book says we can't give away that which we do. I just can't do it. I had to go up on. I didn't have. Let me rephrase that words matter. I had the privilege of going up and speaking again Friday night at Maynard's Right I because I had surgery right. This is this is the first recording I've had since I've had surgery. I was still on a ton of pain right. The drive up there hurt like a bit. So what did I have to do? I had to put on that happy clown, that happy clown, and get in front of this group of alcoholics that is the time when we're supposed to.
Speaker 2:The only time that I agree with fake it till you make it or act as if is in situations like that.
Speaker 1:I had to right, I had to get in there. I had a commitment that I had to do. I had to get in there and put on that happy face and talk to them about the peace and the serenity, because if I went in there with a shitty fucking smile and a shitty ass, fake ass shit, they would assault right through it Us alcoholics. We can read bullshit, oh boy, we can read bullshit and from a mile of fucking way if somebody's lying to us or somebody's trying to fill us full of shit. So I can't go in there with a half ass attitude. I have to go in there wide open, with my peace and my serenity.
Speaker 1:And I took my wife on purpose to that one, because her being in there with me created more of that peace and that serenity that I had. If she hadn't have been with me, I may not have had as much as I was able to display Now. When I left there, I got in the truck and cried like a little bitch because I was Where's the baby? Sound play. Now when I left there, I got in the truck and cried like a little bitch because I was where's the baby sound.
Speaker 1:Where's the baby sound? A little bit, give me the baby. Katie hates when I do, but I had to put on shut up. I had to put on that for those people, right? So we have to put on that clown face every once in a while, right, every once in a while it's necessary when we're dealing with a sponsee, when we're working in, when we're doing certain things but when you're in the house of a fucking nether, your own home, or you're with your group of buddies, or your your group of aa buddies.
Speaker 1:Fuck that, yeah, fuck that. Show the pain, talk right your wife. I promise you. I promise you, if you opened up to her and started talking to her about what you're angry with, she is going to walk with you.
Speaker 2:Or not necessarily that he is angry. He's like babe, I just am brand new and I just don't know how to process this right now.
Speaker 1:But why not give her the opportunity to help him? Oh, absolutely. Why Give her the opportunity to sit with you and talk? I do with Katie all the time.
Speaker 3:It was hard, that's my pride. Fuck that pride. It was hard, that's my pride. Fuck that pride, I know. Or just give them the peace of mind.
Speaker 2:Hey, it's not you, this is what I'm dealing with and it's outside and I'm just struggling with it. But just let them know it ain't them until the time they can have that, because it takes time to get to that point of communication.
Speaker 1:For me. I talk to my wife, I open up to Katie more now than I do my sponsor. I didn't. I couldn't do that in the beginning, right because I didn't know how to, but I and I sent her a big fat check a week to take that burden off.
Speaker 1:I I well, all of you guys, but because I do, I have, I have that kind of relationship with my wife and I didn't have it in the beginning, I didn't, but that's three years in the making, I right, and what I had to do is I had when I would come home and I would sit there, but it starts today, brandon.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when I would sit there and I would stew. She would say what's wrong and I had to trust that she wasn't going to be mad at me when I started talking about the stuff that was bothering me. I had to trust that and because I was opened up to her and because I talked to her about stuff, she doesn't, she, she, she doesn't judge me by my thought processes that I that I come through and I promise you, jamie, won't, I, I, I sorry, I hope she doesn't bother that. No, but I promise you, because she put up with your shit through all your drinking, she's in it for the long haul. She, all your drinking, she's in it for the long haul. Oh yeah, she ain't running.
Speaker 2:No, she ain't running, because if she was, going to run, she would already ran. It's not like our wives were perfect, no, but we had the bulk of the work to do because we were the ones, the alcoholics. But what you said about the church service today I struggled with too. I struggled a lot self, uh, uh, shame, guilt, all that stuff that I carry, I mean it's not mine to carry. Never was well. Once, especially once I worked the steps into the best of my ability. But yet for a long time.
Speaker 1:What was the first thing I asked you after doing my amends? One of the first things I asked him I'm like I've done all this, but how do I, how do I do an amends to myself? And we talked about it I can't I still right now. I'm starting to choke up.
Speaker 1:Just saying that I choke up a little bit because I still battle with that. I still battle with that to this day. That, how, how do I still get mad at myself for some of the shit that I put my wife through? When I talk about some of that stuff, I'm like how, this beautiful lady that has stuck by, how did I do that to her? How did I do that to her? How did I do that to her? What a shitty piece of shit, you know how I get through it I was, but I am not anymore.
Speaker 1:But how I get through that is she's still with me. She's still here, so why continue to beat myself up? She's here. She forgave me. If she forgave me, I should be able to forgive myself.
Speaker 2:Jesus forgives us. Right, I should be able to forgive myself and, today, carry on being the man you should have been. But are today, and you know, not perfect by any means, but walk that man.
Speaker 1:You know, we can't fake it Right, we can't overdo.
Speaker 2:Which I appreciate, which is Brandon a lot more, because he's you know how he feels, you know you know where you're standing, you know which is awesome, right, that's genuine and that's why I could say when I first started working with Gabe I mean I was voluntold that I was going to be his sponsor and I thought, wow, I'm barely got 90 days.
Speaker 3:I don't even know if I did, and it might've been just over 90 days he said you guys said, well, you're going to sponsor him. And when I worked with him the first few times I just told myself all right, you're just going to I. So I guess I did fake it. I did, I acted like I had it all together.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:I tried to give good advice, just told him, you know, so that was probably the first step of me being able to put on a front that I didn't.
Speaker 2:I didn't even believe it yet you weren't feeling it at the time.
Speaker 3:Well, no, not really I wasn't, but I and then he came in yesterday and he really needed to talk.
Speaker 1:He needed it.
Speaker 3:And it's made. It gave me that sense of purpose.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 3:I thought, and then you had just told me there was something, somebody you wanted me to see.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:And then, an hour or so later, rob calls me and asked me to come to this, and I don't know.
Speaker 1:The day just went better, just knowing that I had we put ourselves to do right, we put ourselves in there just not drink. Right. Because that is getting to be given the weight of that is weighing on Right.
Speaker 3:I need something more.
Speaker 2:But since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there.
Speaker 2:He is not likely to get far from any direction if he fails not to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. First and foremost, the home, because that's what God put us there. That's the beautiful thing about Jay and good sponsorship. When I when Logan, when Emily was doing her plays and that was getting time, and then Logan started doing sports and then he goes well time and then logan started doing sports and then so he goes. Well, you know, basically, the long the short of it was well, son, it's a good thing god didn't get you sober just to go to meetings and sponsor.
Speaker 2:He got you sober to be a husband, right father, a good husband, a godly father. You know a godly man in the home. That's why don't neglect right.
Speaker 1:it took me a very short period of time to realize from the very beginning I'd you know I think I've spoke about this several times In the very beginning, I was doing a meeting every night, right, and about two, three weeks into it, I finally said fuck, uh-uh, I can't do this. My relationship at home is what I want. That's what strives me.
Speaker 3:That's what makes me Six a week. I was taking just Fridays off until this week. I had to work late Monday and then Tuesday. I usually meet with a guy and we do some Bible study at his house just me and him. I really like that and I didn't go just because I worked late the day before. I worked last Saturday and then Wednesday I usually go to a Bible study, but the week before this was also on church. Today there was a couple guys in there One thinks he's a moral authority of the room and another is just goofy and talks too much.
Speaker 1:Hold on hold on.
Speaker 2:What was said in church?
Speaker 3:was. Those who do not love their fellow believer are lost in darkness and you're not really believing, so I have to take away the principles before I need to have principles before personalities. That way I'm not lost in the darkness. I don't know if that all came out right?
Speaker 1:No, it made sense to me.
Speaker 2:Oh, I got a bone to pick with all that, but go ahead well, I mean, I don't know no, and I think you'll bring, you'll be on the same page on this one.
Speaker 1:Go ahead, but my thing is is, brandon, when I hear, I hear you talk about other people like you just did the moral authority guy the moral authority who I think it is that but no but when I hear that I honestly go. He's got a resentment to that person.
Speaker 3:I did, and that's why I didn't go Wednesday. I went to an AA meeting instead, so you took him out.
Speaker 1:He took you out of what you wanted to do Because you allowed him to rent space in your head to take you out of what you wanted to do.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, instead of just accepting, but it didn't hurt to go do something different.
Speaker 2:I went back to primary and I hadn't been there in over a month. It all depends on your motive.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so it wasn't like I did something, but let me ask you a question I'm going to dig down here a little bit.
Speaker 1:What about that guy? If we took that specific person, what about him? Do you not like? What in your character, in your character defect, does it make you not to like that? Does that guy irritate you?
Speaker 3:the same reason the same reason his boss irritated him yeah, just trying to tell me, or just he tries to project his view of how to how to serve god, so I don't need your view. Well, tell me how the bible tells me.
Speaker 1:Are you see what I'm trying to do here? I'm trying to get you to look at what your? Character flaw. What something about you control?
Speaker 2:oh yeah, is making you not authority.
Speaker 1:So you got to accept that, right. That's me, that's not him. Yeah, you're not changing him at all.
Speaker 3:No no.
Speaker 1:So if you retract back, as soon as that person, as soon as you start to feel about that person, you go well, this is me, it's not him. Right, that? This is me, it's not him. Let it the fuck go. Let him speak. It's who he is. You know. You did what you did. You know what. I don't want to be a part of that, so I'm going to go somewhere else, but don't let that man take you out of your joy and your peace.
Speaker 3:No, no, I just took a week, a day off, a week this week. I didn't go to that.
Speaker 2:Can I dig in one more? Can I take one more shovel?
Speaker 1:Hit me.
Speaker 2:If that that gentleman wasn't there, if you knew the day before that he wasn't going to be there. Oh dipper shitter wasn't going to be there, would you have went to that instead of primary purpose?
Speaker 2:Honestly, probably, probably so, because what you said was and then another person the pastor hasn't been there because he's had other obligations, which makes it better too, Because when he's there, it makes it good, it makes it good, it makes it good, and he hasn't been there and I thought, well, he's not going to be there, and this guy's gonna be there and go something else tonight.
Speaker 3:So so what I'm?
Speaker 2:getting at is hold on, because I went, you know, so I went to primary purpose, you know he, but he didn't blame it on that guy. We think that because if that guy wasn't there, I'd have been there. Right, that guy's there, I'm not going, but I did something else just as good. So it's okay, I justified it the minute we start justifying rationalizing, minimizing, we're lying to ourselves, Right.
Speaker 1:But are we getting the joy out of it that we would have?
Speaker 2:No, Because God don't care. You know what?
Speaker 1:It's like this If you crave a fucking hamburger all day long, you just crave that fucking hamburger and you get home and there's a piece of chicken there and and you eat that chicken. When you're done with that chicken, you're still going fuck, I wish I had a hamburger. Right, it's the same thing for us. If I need a meeting, in my mind, I'm going to go to a men's group somewhere. Right, if I can't find one and end up at a mixed meeting, I'm going to fucking regret it. I'm going to still tell myself, fuck, I need to go to a men's meeting. Right, I need a man's meat, but okay, there again.
Speaker 2:It's all about one word we're missing right, we're not, we're jumping over it's motive right, no, no okay.
Speaker 2:Does god really care? And of course the answer is yes. Does he care about what we do? Yeah, working up, I mean as we go, as, as opposed, I mean as the steps this life. Does he care about what we do or does he care more about why we're doing, why we're doing it? Thank you, yeah, because if he can get a hold of our heart and mind right, right, that'll change the outworking of our hands. But the other another thing, that. But if I'm not, because I wasn't gonna go.
Speaker 2:I called my aunt today and I like love to go church bouncing when bonnie's gone, so I was gonna go surprise my aunt, which I did. Well, I did surprise her. She wasn't there. So I called her. She went looking for a cry. I said, hey, baby, are you coming today? She goes, are you there? I there? I said yeah, I was going to surprise her. No, she's not feeling good. So I was like and I haven't been there for 14 years, I go and I got sober. That's the church I went to. So I was like I go. First thought was like I'm not going. Then I haven't seen, probably don, I'm not going. Then I tell myself why aren't you going to go Because you're afraid a bunch of strangers. You know what am I afraid of? Nah, I'm going, but because my motive was right. If I didn't go I could have justified, rationalized or minimized, but God cares about my motive and I do not make a decision ever where fear is involved.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and this guy that I had the issue with.
Speaker 3:He has no idea. Oh, absolutely, I seen him this morning. He shook my hand hey, how's it going? Where were you Wednesday? Oh no, I had something else to do. I just kind of blew it off. But yeah, he had no idea.
Speaker 2:He has no idea I have an issue. Can I ask you another question when you had an issue with me? You have no problem.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I did because I waited till you left.
Speaker 2:I had a problem with confrontation. One time. Well, it's just a conversation. But after that, when I called and you weren't ready, you didn't want to talk. The next time I saw you yeah, I saw you called. I didn't want to fucking talk. I didn't want to talk to that happy motherfucker. You know, you have no problem saying it to me.
Speaker 3:Why don't you have a problem talking to this brother in Christ? He's a lot older and I don't want to disrespect him, Not to say that I don't want to disrespect you, but I loved it.
Speaker 2:I love the truth.
Speaker 1:Maybe I should, maybe I should confront him and tell him look, I've had an issue with your personality. But to speak the truth in love, that's not.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying I need to pray about that. I'm not saying have that conversation, no.
Speaker 1:I don't think I should. I'm not saying that at all, I'm just, I'm just.
Speaker 2:I just want to make a point, yeah I wanted.
Speaker 1:I wanted to read something else still on the same topic, but I read this one earlier. If you get fucked up and you aren't angry any, if you get fucked up and you aren't angry anymore, then you get sober. You still have that anger that you haven't dealt with yet. If you cannot handle these emotions on your own, then they fester. No amount of self-medication is going to help. Anger is something that that anger is something to experience and control and that takes a lot of practice, humility and pain in that in the ass, control techniques, but it but it is something that you can learn to handle. Yet society is fucked up. No, rage is not normal response. Most people learn to handle it and find some way to squeeze joy out of life any way they can. Anger doesn't get you anywhere, but hedonism sure does. So I had to look that. Hold on, don't get fucking excited. I actually looked it up.
Speaker 1:The pursuit of pleasure, sensual self-indulgence, the Greek culture Serenity yeah, so I mean I read that and I mean we have to find that within ourselves. We can't try to find that in society.
Speaker 2:We're going to be I mean we're going to be angry. It's like we're humans again.
Speaker 1:I get anger all the time.
Speaker 2:It's just. It is what it is. I get anger.
Speaker 1:I get it, but the way I deal with it now is so much different deal with it now is so much different Right. Okay, how do you deal with it now? The way I deal with anger now is I've now I've learned to pause, right, I mean, that was my hardest thing to deal with when I got sober and when I first learned how to deal with this. Part of it is that I had to pause when I felt that that natural explosion you know we just talked about- this with the doctor right, I just talked about this with the doctor and that was natural self-explosion, right, that was natural.
Speaker 1:Old Larry, by telling her to go fuck herself. That was naturally old and that's why I was so frustrated, because that-.
Speaker 2:I thought you said she was a fucking bitch.
Speaker 1:I was trying to clean it the fuck up. That was old behaviors that festered. That's why I was so upset about that, because I thought I had that shit under control. But what do you do with the fire? You, okay, you got to accept it. You got to accept what you can't fix. I couldn't fix her. I couldn't fix her and I can't fix a lot of things when we're angry.
Speaker 2:Right, you said pause. Okay, I'm angry. Right, you said pause. Okay, I'm angry, someone's pissed me off or justify whatever. Okay, I'm angry and I recognize. Okay, it's my character but what angered you?
Speaker 1:it doesn't matter it does matter, but is it self? Is it something that attacked your character?
Speaker 2:flaw. It doesn't once. I've recognized okay angry um brandon attacked my pride, or it struck my pride. Okay, now that I've recognized it, I see the flaw in me. I still got a fire burning, that I got to get out Cause.
Speaker 1:I. You got to talk to another. Talk to someone.
Speaker 3:Cause my daughter.
Speaker 2:I got a hole in the in my daughter's door that she kicked in there Cause then I, so I, we had to talk to my daughter and say, listen, once we, once it's recognized, maybe I could, for me, I'll call Brandon or I'll go outside. I've got kettlebells. I go baby. I've got a Bob right here. I've got a heavy bag right here, swing at it.
Speaker 2:Right Don't break my fucking house. Don't do that again. Because even when, even when, even even we do all this grownup shit and we recognize it, or it's my fucking insecurities, whatever that was.
Speaker 1:You got to find an outlet.
Speaker 2:Get it out, it ain't paying rent, get it out constructively, because I've destroyed a lot of bullshit trying to put that fire out.
Speaker 1:But see, I've never been a physical person. I've never been a physical person like that to punch, to do that kind of stuff. My where I would get it out is I would cut you to a fucking quick with my tongue. Right, I would destroy a person quickly with my tongue. So those are the. So when I, when I have to self, how do you do it, brandon?
Speaker 2:you get? What do you do with the fire? What? Now or he chews on it, it looks like yeah, he chews on it chew on.
Speaker 3:It used to. I was very violent yeah when I was a kid, my grandpa had a drywall business, so I learned at a young age. Yeah, sheet rock, I learned at a young age I could fix a fist hole, no problem. Just don't hit the stud, just don't hit the stud. But I've knocked probably 25 holes throughout the houses I've lived in. Just punch a hole because I know I can fix it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I've knocked a bunch.
Speaker 3:I've broken windows, I've slammed doors to where the hinge cracked. But now hinge cracked.
Speaker 2:In other words, silver, not the hinge, but the door jam would never shut right.
Speaker 3:My front door right now won't shut completely because I've slammed it so hard it's cracked in the door jam itself.
Speaker 2:Hey, I know a guy oh shit, the same guy that did that. He's a talented motherfucker.
Speaker 3:He can fix it. Yeah, but I don't do things in my own house, I do them for somebody else Exactly.
Speaker 1:We'll do that first anyways. So, yeah, I mean just controlling, learning to control our outward behavior. We have to look at it inwardly first, right, and that's that's the key to this is what's causing this? What's causing me to sit here under the fucking thorn bush, and fucking sulk, what? What's causing this right?
Speaker 2:Because that's it. That's a Bible quote, that's a Bible reference from Jonah.
Speaker 1:It's Joe, jonah, jonah. Yeah. So what it's caught? What's causing me to to be like this? We got to look at it internally, recognize it. What caused it? It's? It's so-and-so. Well, what about so-and-so caused this? Well, he was trying to control me. Well, that means I have a. You know, I was pissed that he. It was a pride and ego thing. We'll get the fuck over it. Right, my pride and ego, because we live in, we live, we try to live very humble lives. We, we don't have that. We got to let that go.
Speaker 2:And what the big book says we ask god to help the lord right whenever we look for resentment, selfishness, dishon, dishonesty and fear and anger. When these crop up, we ask God to remove them. We recognize it, see where our part's in it and say, look, we're not flawless, we're not flawless. We will never be made pukey pure, and I don't want to be.
Speaker 1:But here's the thing about it we don't have to live like this, this, that. We don't have to live like that. We don't. I refuse to live like that. I refuse, I literally refuse to live like that. If I, if I'm like that, I will literally look at Katie and go I am angry and I'm pissed. Just leave me alone for a little bit, right, or I got anxiety and then I have to sit there for a few minutes and figure out why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. Is it what caused it? What do I need to fix it right? Nine times out of ten, I can pick up this piece of paper right here and write that shit down and go that looks fucking stupid. Yeah, and it is stupid because when we self-evaluate, what's really pissing us off? That's fucking retarded, and then put it away yeah, I'm working on it.
Speaker 3:I'm I really am'm trying. I don't want to live like that anymore, but there's just times that it's overwhelming.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:And I can't. It's not a switch for me. I the other day I had a moment, or the morning started. Last Monday it started horrible how so what do you mean?
Speaker 2:What's a horrible start. So what do you mean? What's a horrible start.
Speaker 3:Cut off a couple times on the highway. I drive pretty defensively, I don't drive real aggressive. I commute over the Altamont every morning and some mornings people just cut me off and it's like, oh, I was ready to snap by the time I got there and I knew we had a long day. We had a crane pick that didn't start until almost noon and it was a good six hours of work. So I just knew that the day was just compounding and compounding. And I said something on the group text and Pat said Brandon, you need to take a minute and pause and start over. And I'm just like dude, that doesn't work like that for me. I didn't, I didn't answer, I was like dude, they just don't work like that. I don't, I can't just reset.
Speaker 1:Let me, can I ask you a question on that? Were you running late? No you were on time.
Speaker 3:I was on time. I just don't like to be cut off. I used to run people off the road that drove me like that. But now I drive a commuter car and I can't drive like that because I don't drive a pickup to work. But I've put people on the shoulder in my young, in my twenties. If you cut me off, you had better run because I'm coming.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I, I'm on the freeway on the fucking time. That's what started the the midge. We all know what started, I find myself.
Speaker 1:I, I know, but I find myself getting that way only when I'm running late.
Speaker 3:If I'm not running late, I don't give a fuck I normally don't either, but I got to the third time in one morning. It's like all right, dude, my passes have gone.
Speaker 1:But look where you're at. You're on the fucking altamont where everybody's commuting and 99 of those people are running late. Yes, I know, recognize what kind of fucking jungle you're swinging in, I know. And just sit back and grab banana and watch the rest of the fucking monkeys I usually do.
Speaker 3:It was just that day I I knew we had a long day coming and I just I don't just it spiraled fast, but the day went pretty well. I mean, we got done before dark, which I thought we were going to be there well past dark. I mean we're flying this stupid fiberglass duct fiberglass again in 40 mile an hour wind, oh shit.
Speaker 2:Who's?
Speaker 3:holding the tagline. It was my job to grab it and as it's flying up onto the roof, it's sticking out horizontally. I thought this is not ideal, but we have got to get this done. So we got through it, see, and the week got better as it went.
Speaker 1:You ruined the first part of your week by being inside your fucking head.
Speaker 3:Yes, and I'm going to do make a conscious effort to not. I mean the last three or four Mondays and Tuesdays have been horrible. No, because it's all in my head I hate going to work on Monday. Tuesday, in my opinion, is a useless day. There's nothing good about Tuesday.
Speaker 1:You really got to change your latitude.
Speaker 3:I know, I know.
Speaker 1:You've already talked yourself into tomorrow being a shitty day. No, I'm not Not tomorrow, my guy, but these just in the old in my old thought process.
Speaker 3:that's how I looked at it Right. Mondays suck.
Speaker 1:Well, you ain't hungover tomorrow.
Speaker 3:No, I haven't been hungover in six months.
Speaker 1:Right, which is nice.
Speaker 3:I no, I haven't been hung over in six months. Right, it's, which is nice.
Speaker 1:I don't drive to work with guilt and wondering what I said. You know, yeah, you know, I know I have a big week ahead of me. I got a ton of shit going on, but once again, I have to look at it this way I'm not in control on how the week works. I'm not. I don't. It's really the only way I can live. I can't live any other way because if I because I'm a control freak I am fucking horrible. I am the by far the worst that I've ever seen trying to control shit.
Speaker 3:I never thought I was, but I think I am, you are, I think you are.
Speaker 1:I could tell by the way you talk. Yeah, me, I can tell you yeah, but I, when for me I have to let go 1000, I can't. You know what is the biggest. And people make fun of me for this. When I got that new truck from from the company I work for, it's got super cruise on it so you can literally set the cruise control and it'll just drive down the road. You don't ever have to touch the steering. Well, you want to let go of control? Do that at 85 miles an hour going down for you I can do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can. I 1000, I can set that cruise control and sit there and just watch it mine, I'll do that, for I think it's five miles or something.
Speaker 3:I gotta touch the wheel every few seconds, yeah I don't know, but it's just.
Speaker 1:It's just letting go understanding. All I can do is what's in front of me right. Anything past my nose, I can't control it's none of your business.
Speaker 1:It's not. It's not. What I can control is my ability to think, my ability to react and my ability to do what my owners want me to do. That's how I can my wife, my kids, what they want me to do and what they expect out of me. I can control that, right. What they don't expect from me is to be a dry, fucking drunk that they can't speak to because I, they wanted their dad, they wanted their husband, and if they can't talk to their dad or their husband, what's the fuck a point of being inside that fucking house? Yeah Right, there's no point in me being here. I might as well be down at the bar fucking drunk.
Speaker 2:And God, god's the overarching power in all this. However, I still struggle. You know, pat talks about starting over, starting your day over. I can't do it in and of myself. It always takes. I have to have a trigger.
Speaker 1:Well trigger.
Speaker 2:There you go. There is no such thing as a motherfucker. I just want to see what you say, but I have to have a mechanism and I use a mechanism trigger.
Speaker 1:What's the difference, motherfucker?
Speaker 2:I didn't think you'd catch any of that. Anyway, my tool for that is I have to talk to somebody I call a brother right, I just can't do it myself.
Speaker 1:No, I can't either I have to have a reset, and that usually I need someone's help to reset that's where I brad, is my number one spot where I go to when I get like that, because that motherfucker will that motherfucker?
Speaker 2:but I'm proud of you for catching, but I'm gonna catch these.
Speaker 1:So I said that brad will literally put me back in my spot in a fucking heartbeat. Whatever fucking shitty spot I'm having, oh, he'll fix it but it's god that does it.
Speaker 2:Because it is, I'll pray, then I'll call right, and then god's the one that has the power to reset me, because and he says, okay, take a step of faith now, take action, which our whole book's about. Action, right, because we can't sit and stew in our own fucking mind because we're just we're gonna burn out. Take action.
Speaker 1:You'll never think you're waiting to better behavior, but you can behave your way no bottom line is communicating, right communicating when you're inside that fucking head, that shitty committee. That's going on between them. Two fucking ears. I promise you it ain't good. It's not, because when I sit down in that that easy chair and I just sit there and stare at that fucking tv and those thoughts are bouncing back and forth between my ears like a ping pong fucking table and it's going back and forth. It's getting worse and worse and worse and worse. The longer I sit there and allow that fucking committee to to run around up there, it's getting worse because they don't like me, that whole thing.
Speaker 2:No, they don't like me and they don't like my serenity.
Speaker 1:I can promise you that anything that can possibly go wrong that fucking head up there of mine will destroy it that's why, if I stay inside there, the problem with the alcoholic centers and if we and if we don't learn to pick up that phone, tap your wife on the shoulder, said babe, can we talk, son, can we go outside and talk? Grab your grandkid and walk outside and talk to your grandkid. I'm going to tell you right now, they can't fucking argue back, they and they don't write.
Speaker 3:Hey, whatever.
Speaker 1:God, another human being, right, that's it, I mean just talk get it the fuck out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, even if it is somebody else that irritated you. I am fucking. I got guys that irritate the fuck out of me. I could sit here and give advice all day long, but it's still fucking. It's still. I still have it. But what do I do with it? Right, I get it the fuck out of my head because I can't stew on it. I can't because the longer it's in there, the fucking worse it gets. Yeah, and I don't want to go home. I only have a short time with my wife, very short time with her of an evening, very short time with her of a morning. I don't want the last thing she sees of me is an angry, fucking face as she walks out the door. I don't want the last thing I see of her is her ass because she's pissed at me walking away. I don't want that. I don't want that of my kids. I don't want that of you. I don't want that of anything. I don't.
Speaker 2:That's a choice.
Speaker 1:Thousand fucking percent. It's a choice and I ain't going to allow it happen. I don't. I want peace. I want everybody around me to be happy and joyful. I don't want their reason to be upset is me. I don't, and whatever that takes. Can I close with a big book? Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Page 66. It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment Remember resentment is the number one offender.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:It kills more alcoholics than anything. It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. So we're wasting time in that bullshit. But with the alcoholic, which is us, three motherfuckers whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal, for when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again, and with us. To drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free. We must be free of anger. Not alcohol, it says anger. Imagine that the grouch in the brainstorm will not. For us, they may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholic these things are poison. So it's like us drinking poison, expecting that motherfucker to die Right.
Speaker 1:All right, brandon, yeah, you're coming back. Cool, I'm not letting you out.
Speaker 3:That's cool. No.
Speaker 1:Rob.
Speaker 3:This was good.
Speaker 1:I didn't know it. I don't want that to be a therapy session. I mean, you got to remember everything we're doing is helping other people. Right same thing yesterday, when you said you had, you said you wanted a purpose. This right here is purpose. You coming on here and talking is going to help somebody. This is going out to 2200 listeners now and we're growing. So you are helping people by coming on here, talking about that, that and if it does nothing else, it allows you to go out of here going wow, I got some shit to work on.
Speaker 1:Because we always got 14 years of sobriety this guy's coming up on and I guarantee you he still works on shit.
Speaker 2:Every day, every fucking day. You guys help me, because I'm a dipshit.
Speaker 1:We don't stop working on this, because that shit will pop up with me all the time, all the fucking time I got I was started. I hate fucking self-pity. I fucking hate it with a passion. What did I say yesterday? I'm feeling self-pity and I was fucking mad at myself. I'm like what the fuck is going on? I don't like this fucking feeling. I don't fucking do that, but why? Because I'm enabled to do shit right now. I can't go out and do the shit I wanted to do. So I was feeling poor me. Fuck you, larry, fuck you. You did this. You're hurt. You had surgery. Sit your ass down and shut the fuck up. Let your body heal. Right, that's just. It is what it is. So self pity, no right.
Speaker 1:I can.
Speaker 2:I'll send videos of Rob with the. You know the. What is that? What kind of hip do I got?
Speaker 1:I don't fucking know what's that? No metal. You're not big enough to have metal, You're plastic, A plastic hip squatting and stuff and he can't do it Pussy. Thank you for joining us today. We hope you learned something today that will help you If you did not come back next week, and we'll try again If you like what we heard.
Speaker 2:Give us a five-star review. If you don't like what you heard, kiss my ass. I can't say that, can you? Anyway, if you don't like what you heard, go ahead and tell us that too. We'll see what we can improve. We probably won't change nothing, but do it anyway.
Speaker 1:Thanks, rob. Come back next week and hopefully something will be different and something will sink in. Take care, this has been Recovery Unfiltered, thank you.