Recovery Unfiltered
Taking recovery discussion to a different level. Bringing comedy and the lighter side of sober living along with educating non-alcoholics and alcoholics. Hear real stories unfiltered.
Recovery Unfiltered
From Vegas Blackouts to Sober Victories: Nathan's Roller Coaster Recovery
Nathan shares his powerful journey from childhood trauma to finding lasting recovery after multiple relapses. His story reveals how early exposure to family addiction, violence, and loss shaped his relationship with substances and his path to healing.
• Experienced significant childhood trauma including his grandmother's murder when he was eight
• Found early escape through sports but struggled with anger and fighting throughout his youth
• Developed alcoholism and drug addiction following his father's pattern
• Experienced the typical "six to eight month" sobriety cycle before relapsing multiple times
• Reached rock bottom after his friend's suicide and a Thanksgiving Day drinking binge
• Achieved five years of "dry" sobriety before hitting an emotional bottom
• Finally found true recovery through working all Twelve Steps with a sponsor
• Transformed his relationship with his higher power by viewing God through the lens of his own fatherhood
• Now maintains sobriety through service work, including speaking at meetings and sponsorship
• Lives by the powerful reminder that "the magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding"
If you're struggling with addiction or know someone who is, remember that it's never too late to surrender and find recovery. The pain of change is far less than the pain of staying the same.
Thank You for Joining Us.. Please share with friends. If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcoholism please reach out to us. We can get you help. recoveryunfilteredpodcast@gmail.com
All right, we're going to go to work. You sit on the toilet, don't you Use that as your meditation?
Speaker 2:Not my wife, not your wife, nor anybody listening to this podcast has eaten a shit sandwich we didn't have a hand in making.
Speaker 1:Hello Rob. Oh, ain't time yet. Shut up, larry.
Speaker 2:We are not professionals. There are no letters after our names. We know very little. However, you will hear the word God in a whole other world in the same system. You will also be offended. So if you are easily offended, just pass us by. This podcast is meant for you.
Speaker 1:Our opinions are just that. If you don't agree with what we're saying, that's okay. We're going to love you anyways.
Speaker 2:We are not in any way affiliated with AA, so sit back, grab a beverage of your choice and we'll get ready. Let's go, are you serious? Hello, robert. Hey, larry, welcome back. What's with the drums? That was a new one, I don't fucking know. No, at least there's no baby.
Speaker 1:Hey, you know what? I'm gonna make an amends right here to our, to our listeners, our last. Are you really swollen?
Speaker 2:did you hear that?
Speaker 1:come across why are we all seen?
Speaker 2:so low, I don't know. But see, now I sound good.
Speaker 1:Don't fuck with it there you go with the f-bombs, don't mess with it. Thank you hey, what did you say?
Speaker 2:you're making amends. I am but our last two episodes.
Speaker 1:Katie and I were coming down the road, driving down the road and, uh, she was like larry, the f-bombs are horrible and I'm like that ain't that bad and then the very next episode. That was the first one we recorded, then the next one. I think it was 37 that we recorded. Yeah, that was bad, it got off the rails.
Speaker 2:We were wrong.
Speaker 1:We were. Doug texted me and says, hey, I ran out of ink counting the F-bombs, yeah, and you know what's funny, and so I want to apologize to our listeners. It did get off the rails a little bit, right, it was pretty bad. So I mean, for most of the people that know me and know you, it was normal well, we're supposed to be getting better.
Speaker 1:It's not normal discussion. No, but you got worked up and then I got worked up and then I feed off of you, because I only do what my sponsor tells me to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah bullshit, bullshit hey but, why? But why did it happen? What didn't we do before?
Speaker 1:we didn't pray, we did not we didn't pray before either one of those episodes. Do we pray? No, I once again. It's my sponsor's fault. No, absolutely. You know, last week we talked about sponsorship and you know I follow my sponsor.
Speaker 2:And if he doesn't piss you off, you got a terrible sponsor.
Speaker 1:My toys, you know. And then the other night I spoke at primary purpose and I said I spoke for I don't know, 35, 40 minutes.
Speaker 4:Not even one 20 minutes, not even a shit, not even an ass came out of my mouth?
Speaker 1:No, it was great Nothing, it was perfect. And then the poor guy that came up and got his chip right after I started yeah, he threw about five F-bombs in a matter of two sentences.
Speaker 2:But did you see why we were getting pushed right? You know you're through it as you get and I love her to death, but as you gain sobriety right, you're supposed to gain maturity, and she was rushing everybody just to get to you.
Speaker 2:So she's getting 47 years. Jeanette did I'm gonna say her name, I don't care and she was rushing everybody's got to make it quick. Make it quick so she could, you know. So no one left by the time she got hers. That's so still, you know, there's still a lot to be done, even though you've got 47 years of sobriety.
Speaker 1:There's still work to be done. She wanted everybody, but that's okay. If I have 47 years and I'm still alive, I want to make everybody stand on their head and listen to me talk.
Speaker 2:I'll be dead. I don't know what would I be 47 years old.
Speaker 1:I'd be 90. I'd be over 38.
Speaker 2:I'd be 96. Last week, uh, who had two weeks ago, had 37 years sobriety and he got sober at 37 in his age and I said, well, if I do mine, I said 74, which is stupid 76, I'll be 76 years old. If I make that, you'll make it.
Speaker 1:Well, hey, it's only sunday yeah, yeah, right, so we have a guest.
Speaker 2:Who? Who's our guest? I don't know. Guest introduce yourselves drum roll. Don't do a fucking drum roll, though.
Speaker 4:I am Nathan Nathan.
Speaker 1:Okay, couldn't help myself. Perfect Hello, nathan. Welcome in. What's up, larry? Are you nervous A little bit?
Speaker 2:Nathan's going to tell his story.
Speaker 1:You know what's funny is everybody, when they first start, is nervous. Jason Allen, when he first started he was super nervous, Shit. He went off for three and a half hours once he got started. So you'll get in, You'll be telling your story and you'll forget that these microphones are here and you'll just remember we're just three buddies and sitting around talking and telling our stories. So tell us a little bit. Tell us what happened.
Speaker 4:All right, I'm going to start where I usually start, about six years old. Wow, it's when I really first remember anything around that age, and the reasoning why I remember that age is because of the deaths in the family. My great-grandpa died, my great-great-grandma died, another great-grandma died like all within the same, like four or five years old that you don't even understand what death is really.
Speaker 1:Yet Right.
Speaker 4:And my great-grandpa. He was someone that was. I never met any of my regular grandpas, so my great-grandpa was the man figure that I looked up to the most and still want to be like him the most out of any of the male figures in my family. Your dad wasn't around much, my dad was. We'll get. We'll definitely get to my dad. Sorry, I didn't mean to jump on that. He's a big part of my resentments and my upcoming.
Speaker 4:So yeah, that was after that. Some of the memories I have are of my, my father, of him, uh, being verbally abusive to my mom.
Speaker 1:Okay, and always being always drunk, um and you remember that as a very young age. Yeah, yeah and go.
Speaker 4:I remember going fishing with him real young and and being on the side of the bank and not having anything to drink for me, but there was a 12-pack of beer, and so then that's where my very first drink was.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 4:Was on the side of the river with my dad, like you were getting a soda Right, right, and I mean I remember it tasting horrible.
Speaker 1:Yeah Right. Well, we don't drink beer for taste. Never did Right.
Speaker 4:Um, but yeah, that was. That was my first drink on the side of the river with my dad. And then today, now I can realize that at least he was taking me out to the river Right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and so I could see the good in things. Today it's not just all the bad that I focus on anymore.
Speaker 1:How long did it take you to come to that understanding, though?
Speaker 4:It was probably within the last couple of years where I really started.
Speaker 1:Understanding that Okay.
Speaker 4:More so, looking at the positive, in things and being in gratitude instead of just all negative Nice. Okay. So, yeah, and my dad, he was in and out of jail my whole life. I remember many, many times going and visiting him in jail. Some of the times it was behind that glass with the telephone. Oh, wow, okay and then that's a shitty memory and then I remember some, some of the times where, uh like at the old honor farm, okay, you were able to sit at a table and actually have a real and um so uh.
Speaker 4:I remember calling the cops on my dad as a young kid because because him being so verbally abusive to my mom, he was never physically abusive, not in front of me at least.
Speaker 1:When you say, uh, when you were real young, do you know about what age you had to call the cops on him?
Speaker 4:Oh yeah, this is still like seven years old, okay, okay. Wow, wow. And then so when I was um, when I was eight years old, my grandmother, my mom's mom, was murdered by my dad's uncle, and so grief.
Speaker 4:So, yeah, that turned my whole world upside down. Um, I feel like I not only lost my grandma right then, but I lost my mom's bedroom door and crying and trying to get her to come out, and she she wouldn't come out of her room for weeks at a time, she would be just locked in her bedroom. And who was taking care of you? Oh, I was taking care of myself.
Speaker 2:Wow, perfect, yeah, so he's got a great I mean I say a great story, I mean having beat him going through it with nathan powerful story, wow, yeah, so go ahead so, yeah I, I was doing my own laundry, I was walking to school, um, you know, doing all that type of stuff and what town?
Speaker 1:what town this? Is all in manteca okay, all right, so not a small town no, it's all right.
Speaker 4:It was a lot smaller back then and then it is now. But yes, it was still bigger than oakdale. Yeah, um, and this was when, uh, I started learning to deal with my emotions in a, in a with anger okay and I got in a lot of fights and so in this time period we had moved multiple times um. So we get to a new school. There's a you know, I get there and there's whoever the bully tough guy is on campus. I'm going and fighting him right off the get.
Speaker 1:Marking your territory.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you know that alpha type mentality Right, but now I can identify it as that's I just in so much pain. I wanted someone else to feel pain, right, understandable absolutely so yeah, and during this time period there was all kinds of people drug addicts and alcoholics running in, you know, through our house we had, we went from living in a we had to explain that because you guys got some money when grandma was murdered yeah, that's where I was getting okay um, we went from a two-bedroom house to uh, I think my mom inherited like half a million dollars.
Speaker 4:Wow, okay, um, I don't buy a lot of drugs yeah, and so we went into a big five-bedroom two-story house with um very little furniture in the house it wasn't your average uh house in the neighborhood right, right, um.
Speaker 4:So yeah, there was a lot of people hanging around because the money was there right and um yeah, I remember opening underneath my uh kitchen sink and there just being all kinds of empty hard alcohol bottles and hot damn was one of the things I remember sponsored by that was uh before fireball right right, yeah, right now it's smirnoff or no, not smirnoff yeah is it?
Speaker 1:uh, I don't know I don't know.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I don't think it's smirnoff no, I don't either.
Speaker 1:Smirnoff was a um, yeah, fucking alcoholics are we? We can't remember that shit. I didn't drink that pussy. Yeah, I don't think it's.
Speaker 2:Smirnoff? I don't either. Smirnoff was a. What kind of fucking alcoholics are we? We can't remember that shit. I didn't drink that pussy shit. I was Jack Daniels dude. I need no cinnamon, I'd chew gum. If I want cinnamon, I'd chew some Big Red Right.
Speaker 4:So you know, one of the next things that really happened that was significant was I joined the football team. Okay and Pop Warner, yeah, pop Warner football. About eight years old, nine years old maybe, and I loved football. I fell in love with football, just kind of like.
Speaker 2:Larry, because you got to.
Speaker 1:That's what he shared on Friday Got the hit baby the primary.
Speaker 2:You got to hit people and it's okay to do it.
Speaker 1:It's even encouraged. Harder you hit, whack them Harder you hit, the more the coach loved you.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so I played very little the first year right, my rookie year and then the next season I really started getting involved more. The coach actually moved me to running back. Okay. And I was at running back for maybe two weeks and my dad's brother stole the coach's car phone.
Speaker 2:Was that like the bag phones back then?
Speaker 1:Yes, Is this in the 90s? Yeah?
Speaker 4:mid-90s. This was 98 maybe somewhere in there 97 right and uh yeah, so the the the board voted and they kicked me and my sister off the football team awesome because your uncle she was in cheerleading yeah, no, it's football.
Speaker 4:Um, wow, yeah. And so this, this Because your uncle she was in cheerleading yeah, no, it's football. Wow, yeah. And so this between my dad's uncle and my dad's brother and my dad right, this is like where my resentments really started brewing towards my dad, my dad's family, right Towards my dad, my dad's family yeah, and so I would stand by the fence and watch them practice football every day on my bike and just be crying right there watching that.
Speaker 4:I couldn't be there because that was my outlet, right Right. I hated my home life. I hated school because I was always in trouble, which was self-induced right but, um, you know, either sat in the back of the classroom or the front, depending on which teacher it was, so they could keep an eye on you, or or put me as far away as possible right um, but yeah, then.
Speaker 4:Then my dad, one day I was at my great-grandma's house, which was that great-grandpa that I said that I lived up to. My great-grandma was where I spent most of my time, where I spent most of my time, and I was at her house one night and my dad comes in and and he's been on the run for a while and your dad yeah Okay.
Speaker 4:And coming down, probably, or whatever, right. And he um falls asleep on the couch and then there's a knock at the door and it's the cops. And I go, wake up my dad tell him the cops are here. He takes off out the back door and I opened the. I opened the door and at this time I didn't know, you didn't have to let the cops in the house, right?
Speaker 4:But, I did because they asked me if they could come in yeah you could come in right, right and um, he climbs up on the roof and jumps off of the the roof right in front of a big window in the living room and see, your dad jump. I see him jump and I see all the cops and the cop dog all jump on him. Wow and uh. So then I start. That's like where the resentment towards, like, law enforcement and all that start right there because they're taking your dad away right and that, and he went to prison this time he had done been to county enough times that, uh, he ended up going to prison.
Speaker 4:um, he had done been to county enough times that he ended up going to prison, and yeah. So then it's just me and my mom and my sister, and actually my little my brother was born already.
Speaker 2:They were both, they were both born and what's the age difference between you and the brothers?
Speaker 4:my uh, there's one 11 years younger than me and that one that's like 12 and a half years younger. Wow, okay, and so we all uh end up moving to oakdale, and this is in sixth grade. Okay. So you know, 12 years old or whatever.
Speaker 1:Foothill.
Speaker 2:And it wasn't foothill then, though it was after that. That was junior high.
Speaker 1:Oh Right, it don't matter Sorry.
Speaker 4:No, it's sixth grade.
Speaker 2:Where'd you go to sixth grade at?
Speaker 4:Fair Oaks, fair Oaks, okay, fair Oaks, fair Oaks, okay, yeah. And so then you know, this is my Like Seventh or Sixth, seventh school that I've been to.
Speaker 1:Since kindergarten.
Speaker 4:At this time, and I come to Oakdale- Poor thing and. Yeah, self pity right.
Speaker 1:Oakdale Of all people Places.
Speaker 4:Yeah, but so I signed up for wrestling Right when I got here good for you there's a flyer in the in the mail and I signed up for wrestling and I um. I found something else that I loved right and that really helped in that one-on-one combat right that I always, um always seeked in school hours. I finally got to do and you know same crap. I got into fights, lots of fights still dealing with my stuff, with anger. My dad gets out of prison and he comes to Oakdale and moves in with us.
Speaker 1:Your mom and dad still married?
Speaker 4:Yeah, they actually got married right after he got out of prison. So he can move to Stanislaus County.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay. All right Perfect.
Speaker 4:And so he was on parole and I was in football again and stuff. And I don't think there were background checks back then for coaches.
Speaker 1:Probably not.
Speaker 4:And he was one of my football coaches and he was sober at this time, for a minute, wasn't he?
Speaker 1:Yeah, he was completely sober, Worked every day, was a decent dad good at this time um, so you had glimpses of it, of what he could be yeah, he.
Speaker 4:He definitely showed me what what he could be and and what us kids deserved. Good um, and I, I loved my dad, my dad, you, I always have loved my dad. I wanted to be around him all the time and you know that goes back to like those fishing trips and all of that Right right. And so we went through that football season. The next football season he wasn't on parole anymore. Oh, wow. The day that he got off parole Listen to this he started drinking. Wow All right and so.
Speaker 2:And how fast did that go downhill?
Speaker 4:Oh, it was instant, it was instantaneous. He was full-blown alcoholic all over again. Um, and we so during that football season, like you know how riverbank high there. Um, because there was a redskins back then, river oak redskins. Um, you can see the field from the parking lot, and so he'd park where he can see the field and he would be drinking his beer and watching the game from the parking lot.
Speaker 1:A lot of people would do that.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and at this time I'm going and running around with my dad to his shady places and drinking with him, with him, and now he's.
Speaker 2:He's introduced you to. I may not introduce you to, but he was I mean. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he was just you'd have a beer and he'd have a beer. Oh yeah, that was just yeah yeah, he, he.
Speaker 4:And how old were you? Junior high? Yeah, this was junior high wow um. And so for every touchdown that I scored, I got a 32 ounce um miller high life, because they were $1.25 back then wow, what a reward. Yeah, yeah, so you know, I'd score two to four touchdowns a game right, I mean, I got enough for me and my buddy, right. Paragene 101. Good grief. And then you know, going through high school I didn't really go to the high school parties and stuff. I knew where they was going to end up.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 4:I knew I was going to end up at a high school party there's no doubt about it um. So I really didn't do much of that, um, and I got expelled sophomore year for fighting. So I threw away all of my wrestling, all of my football. All of you know I was of course yeah, I was on varsity as a freshman in wrestling.
Speaker 4:All right, I was uh in football sophomore year I got moved up for playoffs for uh onto varsity, yeah and um. So everything I had going for me, it was just all thrown away because temper yeah just anger right and and uh pride and ego right um, you know, I wanted to be the biggest, baddest dude there was.
Speaker 4:Even though I wasn't that big right, I still was going to show you I'm not scared, right? Um, and so from there I moved to mantica. Shortly after that, you moved back back to mantica um with my cousins and uh now, how much is drinking?
Speaker 4:any drugs yet taking apart, oh perfect yeah, I, I actually I started I first time right after not long after I got expelled. I used meth for the first time and it was there in summer and and I, uh, I would, just I would do it on a weekend or whatever, and um party drink, yeah. And then, and then I noticed it was starting to get out of hand and I told my girlfriend in Manteca about it and so I went and moved to Manteca.
Speaker 1:Change geographical change right.
Speaker 4:Right, and so I did that, and it worked with the hard drugs for a pretty long period of time actually, but whenever there was, we had a UFC party and and were you training with the Diaz brothers about this time?
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, that this is when I started training with Nick and Nate Diaz. Um, cause, my cousins grew up with them and so, yeah, we went and trained. I went and trained every day, and and then, um, were you working? And I wasn't working, really. Okay, actually, I went back to school, but it was Manteca 1. It was called a one program and it was for kids that had gotten expelled from high school. I got expelled from the district, not just high school, okay, so there was only a certain type of school I was able to go to, and and I got kicked out of there as well, like, um, good for you.
Speaker 4:You were gonna be the best at something okay I see a pattern yeah, well, yeah, I got expelled for trip for fighting and I moved to manteca and went, started training how to fight, right, right, well, um, but yeah, so this is when I remember alcoholism really starting, like I drank with my dad and stuff, right, that was like the beginning of it. But when I was in manteca, like I said, there was those UFC fight parties and stuff we would have, and I remember just getting so drunk and being in the bathroom thrown up while the fights are going on and all the real fun is actually going on. I thought there's a bunch of alcohol showing up. I drank until I was done. And same thing when we went to Vegas. There was the night of the weigh-ins and I got wasted drunk as soon as we got to Vegas and I wake up and everyone's gone at the weigh-ins and I'm all pissed off because everyone just left without me, right, blaming everyone else for what I did. So, yeah, this is when.
Speaker 4:Now, looking back, I can see when it actually started. How old were you about this time? This was 17 or so.
Speaker 1:So you're traveling to Vegas at 17.
Speaker 4:Awesome, oh yeah, I went down to Vegas at 17. Awesome, oh yeah. And you know, the cousins go up to get the drinks and come hand me a drink, and I'm walking around the casino with a drink in my hand so no one ever says anything, because I already have a drink in my hand.
Speaker 1:Right Know the tricks.
Speaker 4:I did them too yeah. Yeah, and it's a little different back then than it is today in Vegas. Right, they let you get away with a little more than they do now For sure For sure, as long as you're spending money, really that's all they care.
Speaker 1:So I was doing that back in 88. So they really didn't give a shit back then. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And by this time by the age of 17,. I mean according to most. I mean because I've heard a lot of fifth steps and stuff, but you've been through. I mean you've come on that's. You've been through it as a child.
Speaker 1:Already at 17.
Speaker 4:Damaged. I mean, just amazing. Okay, so here we go. So I ended up moving back into back to Oakdale. The girlfriend moved back with me to great grandma's house. That was always my place, where I always was Now before.
Speaker 4:I even moved to Manteca I done, packed all my stuff and moved to great-grandma's house before, because I wasn't putting up with my dad's and my mom's shit back when I was out of there and my mom's shit back when I was out of there. So when I moved back, we eventually break up and that was my first love, and so after that you know.
Speaker 1:You've lived a lifetime before you even turned 18. You lived more shit by the time you were 18 than most people do their entire fucking life and how old were you when we met, like when you started working for tea?
Speaker 2:we would show up because this is what I was still drinking and doing, whatever you know, because they would.
Speaker 4:We have usc fight night in each other's house and we would tear the fucking house up and nate was just you know about this age, or close yeah, this was, this was right about that time period that I'm at and the story is when me and you uh met because of wanting to watch in ufc and having our ufc parties and stuff, right, oh yeah we'd go to rob's, and that's when your world went to hell, when you met that guy oh, we had fun oh yeah, and I had a lot of fun drinking.
Speaker 4:There was there's no doubt about that.
Speaker 1:Isn't that? The sad part is that, when we would, we had a lot of fun doing it until we, until it stopped being fun, yeah, and trying to recapture that fun, that was a lot of the for sure that was a lot of the relapses that had happened and thinking I could manage and control my drinking again, Right?
Speaker 4:Um, so yeah, I end up getting sober again. Wait, I never said I got sober right. I did get sober. I got sober because I took too many mushrooms one time.
Speaker 2:What's the number?
Speaker 4:It was my second time doing mushrooms and I took about a quarter ounce of mushrooms.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't even know. I've never even seen them.
Speaker 4:Usually people take about a half-eighth to an eighth of mushrooms right.
Speaker 2:Psychedelics baby Spongify Psychedelics.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and I took a whole quarter. What did you?
Speaker 2:see, Did you see mechanical elves or anything like that? It's always more right.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's always more.
Speaker 4:I have a really funny story about that. So this was before me and that girlfriend split up and we were living in a grandma's house and she came and picked me up from my buddy's house and we parked in grandma's driveway and it's dark and there's the spotlight coming off the garage and there's creepy shadows and stuff going on and I'm starting to go into a very negative bad trip. And so she calls my mom. My mom shows up and my dad and and uh, they get me in the van and they take me to the hospital. And as soon as I show up to the hospital I see all of my family there, like aunts, uncles, everybody that there, and I'm like pissed off, like what'd you tell everybody about this, for right? She's like what do you mean? I didn't tell anybody. No. She's like what do you mean? I didn't tell anybody. No one's here Like you're tripping.
Speaker 2:You see them, but they weren't there. It's kind of like your old people, uh-huh.
Speaker 1:And then we get into the hospital Hold on a second my old people was a vision from God.
Speaker 2:I get it, but I was going to let it go A little bit different, I know you're right, you're right.
Speaker 4:And so we get into uh, we get into the hospital and I and I'm peeking, hiding behind my mom. And my mom's like, like what's going on Right, and I'm like the trolls over there they're going to see me and the trolls over there they're going to see me, and and she's like they're not trolls, she's like that person's deaf. And so there was like a little bit of differentness that I can see, that you can see Right, and in my mind, because of those mushrooms made it they were trolls.
Speaker 4:Yeah, turn them into trolls and and I'm like, shh, be quiet, they're going to hear, gonna hear you, and she's like they can't hear you, they're deaf, and so like I completely remember that, like it was yesterday, that's crazy and um.
Speaker 4:But yeah, they flushed, you know, gave me that black chalk stuff in the, in the tooth wouldn't know like a toothpaste, squirted into a cup and mixed it with a little water and made me drink that stuff and flush my system out. Came out the same color. It went in both, you know both, uh, both orifices. Yes.
Speaker 4:Um, and, and so I, I got clean and sober right then. Um it, for how long it scared me. There was about a six-month time period and this is the pattern, that six to eight-month pattern that I had of being sober right, and so my mom and dad were heavily in NA at this time, my mom was for sure, were heavily in NA at this time, my mom was for sure. My mom was clean for like 15, 12 to 15 years, sponsored all kinds of people, and I mean she had, like you know, eight to 10 sponsors at the same time at one point and, and so I went and tried what she was doing, cause I can see that it was working, and I did really well in that time period.
Speaker 4:I got a decent job. This was a short time period when I wasn't working for tea, doing electrical and working on a ranch and before and after work on the ranch and you know, life was good until I made a decision to go and drink and and occasionally started doing some Coke and, and then I met the kid's mom, my kid's mom, and and she wouldn't be with anyone that was like that Right, and I didn't have a job. Eventually lost that job. I didn't have a job for this time period, and this was when T was up North and I got sober because I wanted to be with her, and so I got a job that day. I got sober because I wanted to be with her, and so I got a job that day. I got sober that day, started going to celebrate recovery when at it was, back when it was an Oakdale, okay, and so you know, here goes another six to eight month round, okay, and she got pregnant that time am.
Speaker 4:I correct? Yes, and she got pregnant With your help. Yes, yeah, she did not want to be pregnant and this was like she has complications during pregnancy.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 4:And so, you know, ended up talking her into it. And so while she was pregnant, me and her, me and Rob were just talking about this the other day we walk into Shively's to get a burger and stuff there. And I was fishing, not joking I, at first I said joking, but really I was fishing to see what she would say. And and uh, I said, man, I really wish I could have a beer with this, with this burger. Right, she's like you can have a beer, Go ahead, oh boy.
Speaker 4:And I was like oh, oh yeah, Game on. It was on that's this is when it really started to um became everyday drinking and progression, oh yeah and and during this time period we were still doing these ufc fight parties and stuff, because I remember when I was with her going over to your house and stuff too those ufc parties were huge in the nineties.
Speaker 1:Eric used to have those things all the time.
Speaker 4:Well, yeah, this was early 2000s.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, it's still that, that it was big. Anyway, we would tear up furniture. We would wrestle, right. Eric's buddies used to do that shit all the time.
Speaker 4:Yeah, we had. We had a lot of fun. Um but yeah, so then you know, I, I would start started drinking every day, started drinking 20 beers a day. Um, it went fast then yeah, yeah it.
Speaker 4:It definitely uh, progressed really fast this time around. But no hard alcohol. I would drink hard alcohol, but every time that I brought home a bottle I'd leave for work and the next day that shit would be poured down the sink. She wouldn't. I went to a different level when I was drinking hard alcohol. I guess I was a lot more angry Tends to do that, um, so, yeah, so I just gave up on drinking hard alcohol and just drink beer, um, at least when I was around her, and uh, so I would start fights. I'd start fights on purpose so I could take off oh, with your girl.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, um and you live across the street from mom.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and I lived across the street from my mom, and so my mom would hear us start arguing, hear my truck peel out and take off, and she'd be worried for the rest of the night until I came home. She told me this you know, years later and I would take off to the bar and go you the. I thought that I had missed out on a certain time period of my life. I was 22, 23 years old at this time right.
Speaker 4:And so I wasn't able to live my young years. She was, I was 22 and she was 30 when we got together.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, okay.
Speaker 4:And so and then became stepdad to two teenage kids.
Speaker 1:You went from nothing to dad. Yeah, immediately. I had this thought in my life and you were young.
Speaker 4:In my head that my life was over Right and really my life was just getting started Right. You know, that's everything I want. Today is what I had then.
Speaker 1:Right and I just didn't know it. It sucks Right and I just didn't know it.
Speaker 4:It sucks, yeah. So yeah, we eventually had our second kid.
Speaker 2:Two daughters.
Speaker 4:Yeah, two daughters. And one night I was out at the bar. This time around I said I was on a fishing trip. I didn't start an argument, I just said I was going fishing because I did do a lot of that back then. Um, and I ended up taking off to the bar and um, and I went home with a woman and cheated and it's hard to come back from.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and so and and had gotten into this. Uh, this fight, um my, you know, eyes all busted up and stuff, and come home with one shoe and I all busted up and hell of a fishing trip.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. How do you explain that one?
Speaker 4:Right, I don't remember exactly how what I said, because I was completely wasted. When I came home, I think I just got in bed and went to sleep Right, right, like what a dirt bag gets, gets in bed with her right after I just slept with someone else, like horrible. But so eventually she found out. She got messages and stuff and found out. I never admitted to it back then. I still deny, deny, deny, I denied, and um, and so we split up and and and uh, I there was this guy that was, was, was, coming around next door, um to her, to our house, which is her house now, not mine anymore Um, and trying to hook up with her and stuff, right, and we are split up. So really, she had you know she could have done whatever she wanted.
Speaker 4:It wasn't, um, anything I really could have done about it. Um, and I, I threatened to to shoot him, allegedly, um, well, I don't remember saying any of this. I was completely wasted, blacked out, blacked out. And I read the police report and so that's the only reason why I really know what was said. I guess I said I was going to shoot this guy with my 22 and I didn't even have a 22. I had a shotgun and a 40 Cal. I didn't even own one, so I don't know where that came from, but, um, but yeah, so I ended up in jail, um, and then, and then, part of the stipulation when I got out of jail was it's like a no harm, no foul ruling and basically for the next three years, is she so much said that I did something?
Speaker 4:I'd be, doing some pretty good time, right, right, and so I just stayed away, smart. I didn't see my two little girls very little, and that's when I really started partying, hard Drinking drinking drugs.
Speaker 4:And that's when the cocaine started coming in and and um, and eventually, um, the cocaine turned to meth and uh, and there there were lots of different times in this time period when I had gotten sober, and it would be that six, eight months again, you know, I I'd, uh, I'd stopped showing up for work and I would, I would um party for a week, two weeks, whatever it was, and then, whenever I was ready to to come back to work and done didn't have money anymore.
Speaker 1:Right Money ran out.
Speaker 4:My boss would let me come back cause, uh, I was, I was a good employee when I was there, um, and I still work for the same guy today, so, um, so, yeah, it was just that roller coaster of trying to manage my drinking and using and eventually it's really just the same story over and over Right right.
Speaker 4:And then one day this is when the drug use really really was getting bad and those couple of weeks turned into months and months and my buddy, who I'd been in the program with and stuff he committed suicide.
Speaker 1:Was he a guy partying with you?
Speaker 4:Yeah, he was one that partied with me and stuff. But he came to the rooms a little bit, I remember yeah, and he um, me and him stopped hanging out with each other because he'd be trying to do good when I was doing bad and vice versa and so we kind of distanced away from each other.
Speaker 4:Yeah, oil and water and, um, yeah, me and him go to the bar like it's on right, we would wreck, um. But so he committed suicide and and right when I was the most suicidal I've ever been in my life, um, I mean, I, you know, had a tree out in the middle of nowhere that I already had planned to throw a rope over, right, and he committed suicide in his mom's house and he just lived with just him and his mom and his mom's the one that found him and cut him down and all of that. And you'd think that would have been enough to like me to wake up but it wasn't.
Speaker 4:It was about a month later, and you know this is the time period of when, also, it's been past that three years where I can't see my kids and stuff Right right, you know, but I wasn't doing, I wasn't seeing my kids or anything during this time period.
Speaker 4:I was not even really talking to them on the phone because when I would talk to them on the phone I would be in tears and crying and stuff, and so she didn't even want me talking on the phone with them anymore, because it was there's nothing positive coming out of it right upsetting them?
Speaker 4:yes, and I I'm thankful for her that she's good that she uh, did that and protected those girls, um, and so eventually, uh, you know, there comes my last drunk and really I got to go back a little bit because this is a good part.
Speaker 2:That's when you were living in the house, when you were living in her house where your buddy committed suicide and she asked you a question.
Speaker 4:No, no, no, I'm going to jump back before that.
Speaker 2:Okay, good, before we get to that, because that's a good one.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so I had a bright idea that I was going to do this geographical change again and um I moved to vegas oh yeah, here we go right and I was there about two, three weeks total.
Speaker 1:Maybe let me ask you a question. I've heard you. I've heard you talk about this. I I just want to know what were you going to do in Las Vegas. I want to know your thought process. I always am curious of people's thought process of moving to Vegas.
Speaker 4:So my buddy he still is, I think, an inspector for the gas lines there. Okay, all right, and he had an in to get me in All right.
Speaker 1:So you just didn't make a whim to go driving up there. No, no, you had a plan.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I had a plan I had you know, allegedly had pounds of weed with me, Allegedly.
Speaker 2:Good man, good man.
Speaker 4:And went up there, moved in with him, brought my TV, brought all my stuff with me. I was planning on going there and staying there and you know, vegas really just Chewed me up and spit me right out. Oh, I wonder why.
Speaker 2:Is this the time where you lost the car?
Speaker 4:for a couple weeks, yes, and so I was. I was and they're about a week so far and I had been parking in the same casino parking lot the whole time, because it was free parking and I was at the casino every night. And so this particular night I parked in a different parking lot and so I came across this homeless lady and sat on the bench next to her.
Speaker 4:I was in complete depression, self-pity at this time and crying about how I feel and all of my stuff right to her and she was just sitting there listening to me and she's just such a sweet old lady and I, you know. I said are you hungry, do you want something to eat? She's like, yeah, let's go to Denny's. You hungry do you? Do you want something to eat? She's like, yeah, let's go to denny's. And so we go on this walk to denny's through all these little back routes and everything I got. She knows, yeah, that she knows. I have no clue about I got completely turned around.
Speaker 4:I've been there yeah, bought her breakfast and then when I left, when I left denny's, I was headed back towards where I had parked the whole time and my car was not there and I spent a week walking up and down from parking lot to parking lot looking for my car. Dude, where's the car? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:So and eventually I found the car and I headed back home right shortly after that. I found the car and I headed back home right shortly after that with my tail between my legs and, and you know, praying that prayer of I'll never do this again 911 prayer, yes and um, as soon as I got to town. I got some more drugs and some alcohol right when I got to town.
Speaker 1:So much for the prayer.
Speaker 4:Okay, I made it. Now I'm ready to go off the rail again, um, so yeah, so back to uh, right after my buddy, um, committed suicide and, and that night of that last drunk was just, I remember blackouts. I was over on the other side of tracy. This was early morning, um, very foggy day, and then all of a sudden I come out of the blackout again and I'm over on the other side of patterson, oh fun. And I come out of it again and I'm, like you know, over by oak delmore and and, um, I was completely in, completely in self pity that day, more than like more than I ever have been, and I, uh, I was mad at my mom for not and this was Thanksgiving day. I was mad at my mom for not inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner.
Speaker 1:I wonder why she didn't invite you.
Speaker 4:This was 2018. Um, my mom never has had to invite me for two things right before right, so it was all made up bullshit in my head yeah, um, I never made it to my mom's dinner that night and so I went to.
Speaker 4:You know, just driving around I ran into this girl that knew my buddy that committed suicide, and she had said that his mom had been wanting to see me. And this is a month or two after he passed. And so I went over to her house and his kid's mom he had one and a half, two year old I think she was about one and a half at this time little baby Um and his kid's mom was there as well, and and I went and sat down with him, and and I went and sat down with him and I drank some drinks and cried, and right when I was about to leave was what I think was my moment of clarity. And we're in the kitchen and she tells me why don't you get sober so my son doesn't die in vain? I look her right in the eyes and I tell her I can't, and she looks right, looks me at me and tells me right back.
Speaker 4:well then, tell me you won't, because that's what you're really telling me and then I I couldn't tell her that and so I I said I will. Well, I left there, went over to Jason Allen's house and, because I wanted to, I was sick of it, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and I really wanted to get clean and sober again. And I went over to someone that I know've been doing it for about a little over a year at this time and, um, and I talked to him for a while and I left there and I drank a. Uh, my last drink was an angry orchard, which I absolutely hate because his daughter had one in the fridge and um, that just so happened to be one of the drinks that my buddy that committed suicide drink, and so it it. Uh, when I was drinking I was thinking about him and stuff too right, and I just left his mom's house and all of this, and I ended up wrecking my car like twice in back roads on this.
Speaker 4:Uh, ended up getting a ride to the casino, stayed at the casino all night long and hitched a ride with someone that had been up all night tweaking, gambling and going back to Oakdale and got a ride back home, and when I got there, I gave all the drugs I had to my mom and that was like the moment I completely I was done, I surrendered. I didn't have my car anymore. I didn't. I surrendered Like I didn't have my car anymore. I didn't have a job, I didn't have my kids, I didn't have it was. I was physically, financially, mentally, emotionally, completely bankrupt. Your ass was kicked, yes and um, and I started going to meetings. The next day, um started going to two to three um meetings a day. You know the days that there were three meetings I would go. Eventually, my mom let me take her car gained a little bit of trust back. Right.
Speaker 4:So I would hit some Antica meetings and stuff too. Three weeks after I get sober, my mom gets diagnosed with cancer. So really this pushed me even more to want to be something that my mom was proud of and not something that she was ashamed of and and worried about all the time, and it was a big driving factor for me. Um, so my boss also didn't let me get my job back for three months after being sober for three months.
Speaker 1:Stopped, enabling Right. Yes.
Speaker 4:And I had to get. I had to be in town because I lived out in the country at this time. I had to be in town to get picked up by him, so I'd have to get rides to town every morning To go to work, to go to work, to go to work, and I ended up moving in with my buddy that committed suicide, joey, his mother.
Speaker 4:I ended up moving in with his mom and stay in his room staying in his yep, Staying in his old bedroom and really Scott to see firsthand what suicide did to a mother and to a family and what does it do?
Speaker 2:what did you see just?
Speaker 4:the wreckage, just all how, how much they hurt and how much you know it. When you're, when you're in a suicidal state, you think that everyone would be better off without you.
Speaker 1:Type thoughts and it's a selfish yeah, selfish yeah it's completely selfish really and I got to experience really that's not true.
Speaker 2:Like how much they love and care about you is is um and that was the last time you ever had a thought of my vibe incorrect I never again had a thought of suicide, not even you were coming into.
Speaker 1:You were coming into our monday night group at this time. I remember when you moved in with her no, no not yet.
Speaker 4:No, okay, all right I might have talked about it, I think you probably talked about it then, because I'd heard that before yeah, um. So I moved in with her for around eight months or so and I eventually stopped going to meetings. The same pattern, right? Except for this time I didn't pick back up, okay, and I would have those first thoughts every once in a while of drinking, but I never acted on them, right? The second thought was always like oh no, that's not a good idea.
Speaker 2:But you hadn't worked a step, you hadn't really.
Speaker 4:I hadn't worked any steps. I remember I had asked you to be my sponsor when I first came in and didn't do anything.
Speaker 4:And every once in a while I'd go back and do a meeting and just I'd be in tears, I'd be in pain, I'd cry and I'd let it all out.
Speaker 4:And you wouldn't see me for another month or two, right, and I'd let it all out, and you wouldn't see me for another month or two, right. And then I, I, I was two, maybe three years sober and I came in because a girlfriend had told me that I had character defects and and, and that's what she called them was character defects, because she had been in the program before and I was wanting to fix myself for her because I was in love, right. And so I come in and I start working on myself and I really don't want to be around her that much anymore and I start kind of kind of what I've done in relationships I'll, I'll distance myself a little bit and and kind of uh, just not be as loving and caring and stuff as I was at at first. I'll uh put up that wall, um, and stuff as I was at first, I'll put up that wall. And eventually we broke up and I realized I didn't really love her like I thought I did and I didn't really even like her that much.
Speaker 1:Was she in the program?
Speaker 4:No no. She had been in NA years back and stuff, but it just was a toxic relationship really.
Speaker 1:At least she noticed it.
Speaker 4:She was very attractive, that's what. I was wanting. It was lust, not love.
Speaker 1:There you go.
Speaker 4:And so I start coming to meetings a lot at this time. I'm coming every day, Um, and then comes a time period where my mom, uh, is getting sicker and sicker and and, and so I I stopped coming to meetings again about a week, two weeks before she passes, but I was always there with her at the hospice house and I was able to be there for her emotionally and physically and everything because of all that time that I had put into working on myself in the meetings, and really it was.
Speaker 4:I wasn't doing the steps, I wasn't doing the work, but I was learning a lot from listening. I was actually hearing everyone, and so I was just able to be there for her. I spent the night with her, and the last night that I was there I prayed to God that he would take her that night. That's a rough one, and he did. That was you know I. I know that that was. That was a prayer that was not selfish.
Speaker 4:No, that was that was wanting her pain to end. Right. And she had been had cancer for over four years. So I stopped going to meetings again. And Brad, not a Monday group, brad the other Brad in the Oakdale Fellowship, brad B Brad.
Speaker 1:B.
Speaker 4:He called me and he said what's going on, man, where have you been? And I'm like oh, I've just been isolating. And he's like well, you know where that gets us. Right.
Speaker 4:And so a few days later I pass by the stoplight right there and look at my clock as I'm passing through the stoplight and I'm like it's six o'clock and I'm like flip it and go to the meeting. And then I started going a lot again, right, and life started getting a lot better again and during this time period also, I'm actually being um a dad, a dad that's. This is the biggest blessing of sobriety is being able to be a father today, amen and uh, you know, being able to go to this, their soccer games and their um cheerleading, which my daughter I never, I didn't not want her to do cheerleading. I always thought cheerleading's not a sport, like it's not going to get you anywhere.
Speaker 1:And all this and that right, How'd that go?
Speaker 4:for you. I have a shirt that says Cheer Dad on it, all right, so like no matter what my kids are going to do, I'm going to be right.
Speaker 1:Right Like. I'm going to back them up.
Speaker 4:You know, I was just talking about my perspective of God the other day in a meeting and how, when I always thought of God as father, I always thought negatively towards God because because the father, because of the father that I grew up with. But when I think of it as me being a father to my children, and how much I love my children and how much I will forgive them for anything and there's nothing in the world they possibly could ever do that would change that.
Speaker 4:And so when I started thinking about it in that perspective, my thought towards God changed a lot, and that's one of my resentments the way I look at God and perceive God. I have a relationship with God today, but so eventually, right, I get into an emotional state again where, in sobriety In sobriety this was over five years sober Few months before I had six months sober I hit what I called emotional bottom and A few months before you had six years sober.
Speaker 4:Yeah, a few months before I had six years. Yes, a few months before you had six years sober. Yeah, a few months before I had six years. Yes, and I didn't go to many meetings, I wasn't praying, I wasn't doing any readings, I wasn't doing all of what I knew I needed to do to be sane.
Speaker 1:You were just sober.
Speaker 4:Yeah, dry.
Speaker 1:Just sober dry, Dry, Dry yeah.
Speaker 4:Miserable, and so I changed it up. I started going to that Escalon meeting instead of just the Oakdale meeting, and the only reason why I was even going to meetings right now is because I was chairing the Friday night meeting For like a year and a half, so he had to go. Yeah, and and yeah. If it wasn't for that service work, I don't know who knows what might happen Right.
Speaker 1:First of all, service is a good get into service Good comment, Our good, good point.
Speaker 4:It kept me grounded, that was for sure.
Speaker 2:I remember the Escalon meeting. You showed up. I remember what you said, I showed up and I was completely, just miserable.
Speaker 4:I was, I was ready just to quit AA again, I was. I was ready to. To the only reason why I didn't? Because Susan is the which I call my AA mom now she, she's the meeting secretary, the secretary over all the meetings, right, and so I would have to call and tell her that I don't want to do my meeting anymore. And so, like I wasn't going to do that, because I had done, let people in close to me, right, like I never had done before in recovery, I never let anyone in. And this time around was different. I got to know people and let them get to know me was different. I got to know people and let them get to know me. And so I show up to that Thursday meeting and I'm miserable and I go to the Hula's to go get a burger after and Rob's there getting an ice cream cone.
Speaker 4:Fatty and so we have a and and. Uh, I end up asking them to sponsor me and, you know, got got through the steps, is that?
Speaker 1:the first time you ever asked somebody to be a sponsor no, I sponsored them before.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's right. Years, years before he had a couple of them through.
Speaker 1:Through these years I had multiple six, six or something like that All right, I do a step and then not do anything. Run.
Speaker 4:Yeah, fire them.
Speaker 1:Fire them, but not replace.
Speaker 4:Most of the time it was one through three. I do one through three and I was fearful of doing four. I did not want to bring up, like some of the stuff that we talked about right and, uh, even deeper than that. Um, I didn't want to bring any of that up. I didn't want to think about you that had been put so far back in my mind, that, um, and then to tell someone else right step like to share.
Speaker 1:You know that's it takes a lot of fucking courage to do that, but do me a favor though.
Speaker 2:Uh, we're talking about susan. She gave him one of the because I love working words matter. Everybody knows I feel how I feel about words and I agree remember the robisms that I have a lot of, but susan gave one of the best quotes I've ever heard in my life to you. That really touched you and it did every time I think about it. Would you please share that?
Speaker 4:yes, this, this was definitely key, one of the key things pissed you off, but good, yes, of course, my natural instinct is to turn to anger right, I don't have alcohol anymore. So uh um, she text messaged me the magic that you were looking for is in the work that you are avoiding.
Speaker 1:That's powerful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 4:That is incredible and it did piss me off. And she says she knows it pissed me off because I didn't message her back and I always message her back.
Speaker 2:But that's love, right there, that's love 100% as far as you're holding you accountable, she's absolutely right that role, right, amazing woman, but that to love you that much to piss you off, that's I mean, that's what you have to be willing to piss your somebody you love off.
Speaker 1:You got to be okay with that. Katie and I are completely okay with pissing each other off. It's how we get through shit.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, I mean, it's our moment.
Speaker 3:That was love, I love that it's not a motive one more time.
Speaker 2:The magic you are looking for is in the work that you are avoiding to do yep that's powerful. That's the steps. And then now talk about how your life has changed since we did that. The steps, I mean because you know how well god and this is where we're probably and what, if we want to get into the topic I really, really want to touch on this. But what is the difference? I mean five years, and then you had this emotional, you know.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so, um, after going through the steps, after doing that fourth step and doing the fifth step, um, and what?
Speaker 2:was that like? I mean, we talked about what the fears of the fears you had of the four step, and you know there was, as when you were going through them. Do you think, man, did I make too much of this? Or what was? What was it like going through the steps? I mean, tell people what you experienced.
Speaker 4:The fears that I had of doing them were far greater than what it was. Like um, we make that shit up in our head. Oh yeah, like you know the saying, we make a mountain out of a. Yes, sir, it's, it's no doubt like right. I made it out to be such a bigger deal and and the relief that came after doing it was far greater than any of those fears. Um, but it was like when the pain is worse than uh. Oh, what's that saying?
Speaker 2:when the pain, when the, when the pain we're in becomes greater than our fear of change.
Speaker 4:Right, yes, we change yes, so that's what happened. You were in pain and um. So, after doing that fifth step and and sharing with you a couple things that I have never shared with anyone in my whole life, um, it was, it was. It was relieving, um, and like, we talked about this the other night in the meeting as well, but I had that felt, like that raw nerve was exposed, and so I had an uneasy feeling for a week or two, um, but after that it was just all relief, um, and especially my doing the steps, steps six and seven, and um, praying for my character defects to be removed, all of them good and bad. And as far as, like my relationship with God goes now, it's I pray every morning, every night, most of the time throughout the day, if not like throughout the day is not like your typical prayer.
Speaker 2:It's more of just talking to God, like we are that's right Because it's a relationship Right and you have talking to God Conversation Like we are. That's right Because it's a relationship Right and you have a great relationship now Right With your father. Yeah, heavenly Father.
Speaker 4:Definitely, and I thank him for his. You know, most of my prayers are just of just thanks. I just I thank him and I pray for others, and rarely is there anything in there from for me that I pray for. It's um well, the promises say we will not be self-seeking right, and I completely feel that way. Today. I feel like all of those promises have came true and will continue to yeah and and um some slowly, some quickly if we work, yeah, yeah, which is which we'll get into mine.
Speaker 2:Definitely was a lot slower, um, but yeah man, this life is is a totally different deal today it's but since you did the steps god God has to, because now, now there's another avenue that's opened up, another depth, another relationship God has used you to. You've spoken how many times in the last three months.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so right after, right after I went through the steps um.
Speaker 2:What'd you tell God about your Friday night meeting?
Speaker 4:And and this was January 1st my commitment was up on the Friday night meeting. Right and I, and I said I am done with service. I have I've done a year and a half of of chairing this meeting and I'm done. And what? Two weeks later I got asked to speak.
Speaker 1:I was going to ask how'd that work out for you? Yeah, Tell God your plans.
Speaker 4:I was going to ask how'd that work out for you? Yeah, tell God your plans. All right, I got asked to speak in Escalon. Then I got asked at that Escalon meeting to speak at Modesto, the rehab in Modesto, and then. And then I got asked to speak at the Lakes the week after that, and then recently someone asked me to be their sponsor, and then you, and then then God asked to come on here you know, right after that had happened. So, um, god definitely has a funny sense of humor, I think.
Speaker 1:um she's like oh yeah, you're done with service, I'll show you Like Rob said, give him your plans.
Speaker 2:He'll laugh at you. Tell you why you don't make God laugh. Tell him your plans. Watch this you know.
Speaker 1:that's why I say whatever right, Whatever you want, whatever you want, Show me right, Show me.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I definitely I'm not going to say something like that again, but um, but I, I'm, I'm enjoying this. I, I enjoy speaking in front of a crowd of people Um it fills it fills your soul. Yeah, and there's been a couple of people that had came um in from the lakes to the Oakdale fellowship recently.
Speaker 2:And Well, because I mean, let's, let's face it, not many people. I mean I've heard a lot of fifth steps. Maybe not many people have been through. Like Larry said, when you by the age before age of 18, you've lived a lot.
Speaker 1:I mean. I mean pain you've.
Speaker 2:You've experienced more than most people have. Most people have and look where you are. You know most of them don't make it here.
Speaker 2:Most people that have lived your life to 17 are in prison right and will be there, but you know you chose something different and that's it you've got an amazing story, especially to go into those places and tell it, because the, because most people what do we think you know, when you don't know what I've been, you don't know right then they hear nathan's story like I better shut the fuck up, because this, this, this young man has lived and is here to you know, to and here's the thing with nathan's story that I I appreciate so much, because nathan's story is what I heard when I got into rehab, right, I heard nathan's story and I'm like I'm not, that's not me, that's not me.
Speaker 1:Why the fuck am I here? I don't, I didn't have that trouble stuff. I mean my dad drank. I mean at a very young age I had a beer too, but I mean I didn't have that stuff that Nathan went through. I didn't have all that. I'm not an alcoholic Until I stopped looking at the differences and started looking at the similarities and go.
Speaker 2:I drank just like that. Fuck, I drank just like that.
Speaker 1:My depression was like that. I drank like that. Fuck, I drank just like that. My depression was like that. I drank like that. I did the stupid shit that he did. Just because our paths were different Doesn't mean that we're any difference. Of an alcoholic, right, right and it. Once I realized that and I shut my thoughts off of to judging the differences in the alcoholic. You know the differences, man, I, I, I opened up to a whole other realm. And you know, our book tells us we're like passengers on a wrecked ship. Right, we're all in the same, we're all Page 17. Yeah, we're all alcoholics, we're all living this, whether you live in a mansion or you live in a cave, yale or jail.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yale or jail. I mean, it doesn't matter where you came from. We're all alcoholics, we're all living the same disease, and how we get there, the way you speak to people, how I speak to people, the way Rob speak to people we have to have differences of the way we speak to people.
Speaker 2:There's people we can't touch.
Speaker 1:Right, nathan will, absolutely.
Speaker 2:There's people that we can't touch, that Brad will, or Doug will, or and that's the, that's the beauty of this aa right, if I'm talking to somebody and I'm not getting anywhere with them, fine, let me get to somebody else and yesterday, speaking of that, at the saturday morning meeting which I went to, there's a guy who must have been at the friday night I don't remember him there at the friday night meeting, the night before, obviously, and he had shared. I remember, you know, because the talk of steps came up and he shared it, uh and goes. I talked to larry. He was because he, he just got out of maynards with old jed the millionaire okay, yeah, he, his name is warren lauren big.
Speaker 1:Okay, lauren, big guy, big guy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he was with you, big guy, yeah and he said and I talked to larry, which was you he said no fuck that, get in there, get into action, get them things done now.
Speaker 1:don't, don't, don't take your time, cause that's what you know your best thinking got you here Right, exactly why I told him Right, so so that's good.
Speaker 2:What else we got before we come back for another. We gotta, we gotta do a topic here.
Speaker 1:We're going to bring you back. You know, one of the things you talked about a little bit is how you went so far to do your steps. We're going to come back and we want to dig into that a little bit more.
Speaker 2:Right, we want to we're going to use that as a topic your recommendation on what you would have done.
Speaker 1:Differently. Yeah, we're going to use that as a little bit topic.
Speaker 2:Springboard.
Speaker 1:We knew the stories normally take about an hour, hour and a half, and we're and we're about there. I mean, unless you have something else you want to bring in that you feel like you may have left out. You know, here's the one thing that we definitely want in our podcast, and I have a habit of doing this.
Speaker 2:I have a habit of cutting people off and then oh man, I didn't get to say this hey, we didn't really talk to you, we let Nathan do the rest of the shit I did.
Speaker 1:I kept my mouth shut, which, yes, you're welcome, doug, I did, and you know because. Interrupting because I want to know more, I want to know more, I want to know more. Thank you for joining us today, but that's the reason why I want to bring you back, cause we're going to come back. We're going to talk a little bit about the sponsorship side of things. Right, that, not so much a sponsorship, but waiting so long to to start doing your steps, and we're going to talk about that a little bit Cause.
Speaker 1:I know people that have anything else. Nathan, we're going to cut this. We're going to let our listeners digest this one. There's not going to be much anything to do on that phone.
Speaker 2:Right, and, if you want to, at the end of this, recoveryunfilteredpodcast at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:Thank you, rob, thank you, remind me to say that more would you.
Speaker 2:It's your fault, I, I know I suck. What are you going to do? Fucking?
Speaker 1:guy man, god damn it, you're a horrible partner.
Speaker 2:I do the best I can.
Speaker 1:Pray for me, motherfuckers, I'll pray for you All right, nathan? Anything before we get out of here on this one? Nope.
Speaker 2:You're good, that was a good story.
Speaker 1:That was good. I enjoyed that. Nathan. It was good to get to know you a little bit better. I haven't really heard your forth fort. When did you come in before we leave? When did you come in to our, the oakdale group? But what point in your story did you was that after you and rob went through your steps? No, before it was before.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because when you came in when he first came in at first, like when we were at kevin's place right, you were struggling yeah, that was a few years back right, yeah, it was about two years ago, yeah, um I think it was jason or aaron that jason allen.
Speaker 1:I think it was aaron aaron yeah yeah, yeah, but I, I know that you, that jason, came a few times when we talked about you being here, being there, so jason showed up to see you. I talked to jason. I saw Jason yesterday. I told him you were going to be on here. Yeah, he's a Jason's a character. All right, let's get out of here. We'll be back next. Oh God, will you stop punching that one Motherfucker, I got no buttons.
Speaker 2:Sorry about that. I said one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm proud of you. I said one.
Speaker 2:What are you doing that one for?
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining us today. We hope you learned something today that will help you. If you did not come back next week, We'll try again. We don't care.
Speaker 2:If you like what we heard, give us a five-star review. If you don't like what you heard, kiss my ass. I can't say that, can you? Anyway, if you don't like what you heard, go ahead and tell us that too.
Speaker 1:We'll see you next week and hopefully something will be different and something will sink in. Take care, this has been Recovery Unfiltered.