Recovery Unfiltered
Taking recovery discussion to a different level. Bringing comedy and the lighter side of sober living along with educating non-alcoholics and alcoholics. Hear real stories unfiltered.
Recovery Unfiltered
When the Light Returns: A Journey Through Darkness
Grief has no timeline, but what happens when it consumes your entire life for 17 years? In this raw and unflinching conversation, Mike and Jason share their parallel journeys through unthinkable tragedy—both losing teenage sons in the same accident in 2007.
Mike's candid testimony reveals how alcohol became his only coping mechanism after his son Michael's death. "I felt that there's no way I could ever be okay again with this tragedy," he confesses, describing years spent driving drunk, hiding vodka bottles, and pushing away his grieving wife who feared she would soon bury him too. Despite multiple rehab attempts and hospitalizations for pancreatitis, true recovery remained elusive.
What makes their story extraordinary is the bond formed through shared grief. Despite his own pain, Mike dedicated himself to helping Jason's injured son Tyler experience life—taking him driving, shooting, and to wrestling tournaments, all while battling his own demons. "He just let him be the most human being that he could be," Jason acknowledges, expressing profound gratitude for these moments before his own son passed.
The turning point came just eight months before this recording when Mike finally surrendered to recovery. Now both men walk a path of healing, with Jason urging Mike to complete the 12 steps that transformed his own life: "I'm living like that never happened," he says of his trauma, a statement that seems impossible to those still drowning in grief.
Their conversation offers hope to anyone convinced they'll never emerge from darkness. As Mike slowly discovers, healing doesn't mean forgetting—it means finding a way to honor memories while embracing life again.
If you're struggling with addiction, grief, or loss, please reach out to recoveryunfilteredpodcast@gmail.com. Recovery is always possible, no matter how long you've been suffering.
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you sit on the toilet, don't you use that as your? You sit on the toilet, don't you use that. I gotta change this, motherfucker. I'm sick of it. I don't have time for that. Welcome back, rob has three toilets.
Speaker 2:You got the shit, so let's go stop it, hey, by the way, we're back, we're back.
Speaker 1:We're back with jason and mike. But hey, yeah, if you, if you tuning in this week and you didn't listen last week, you may want to go back, because you ain't gonna, you're gonna be fucking lost you need to go back.
Speaker 2:Well, you need to listen to three and four, three and four.
Speaker 1:This is gonna tie it all in 20, 20 and then you're gonna want to list the 41, because if you haven't listened to those, this is like, this is the, this. This is gonna be. This is gonna be good right here. Jason'm going to let you work through this one quite a bit. I'm going to back out and just listen, got it? I'm going to back out and listen. Mike, I love you.
Speaker 3:I just want you to know that Love you too, man.
Speaker 1:You're going to get through some stuff right now and I think it's going to be healing for both of you guys and I'm fucking excited for both of you to watch this through this together and our listeners, everything you know what. Like I've said multiple times, if we, if we save a soul by your guys's story, you know what the memories of mike and tyler will be will be lifted by you guys, saving another man's soul or another woman's soul. So let's go to work jason ask you.
Speaker 2:So what questions were you want to ask him about? Where him and?
Speaker 4:tim were at doing pretty good, because so I've only known mike. The past almost 20 years and it's been the mike I've known has been grieving the mic after tragedy yes, and just distraught you even knew him.
Speaker 1:He was a little bit like that after joseph I know, but I didn't.
Speaker 4:I only met him through wrestling. Yeah, okay, the one year so and so, so, so, anyways, what I, what I was trying to establish, mike, was when you told this story of your first wife and you said you would just drive the streets drunk, and that's where you learn to do all that. So that's the mic that I know and remember I live that's. I know you're not doing it now, but that was through the tragedy and through everything. I know that that's what you did to comfort yourself, to deal with what was going on, and that's what you did and it was just accepted Like um, you would come the next day, I would see your truck and it would just have just fence posts dug in the side of it and I would just be like, yep, fuck, you know let's do this real fast, mike, if you don't mind, and this is probably going to be the rough part.
Speaker 1:So you have, and I'm going to narrate just a little bit. You got joseph, who was in the hospital from last episode. How long was he in there?
Speaker 3:he was in valley children's and he got transferred out. Once. Grace of god got him back there where he belonged, because they put him in an old folks home to either die or get sent home, yeah, so we raised enough hell and I got him out of there, back to where he'd gone, and he started waking up from his coma.
Speaker 2:But you also said at the end of the episode, you said that's when you broke. Yeah, that's where the drinking came in.
Speaker 3:Talk about that break. Well, I started to drink at the hospital. There was a canal out behind it and I'd go out there and pray and stand out there just to get out of the hospital. And because I mean, valley Children's is a sad place, I mean my kid's in there, not knowing if he's going to live or die. And you see the cancer kids.
Speaker 4:Yeah, there's little kids dying.
Speaker 3:There's this stuff, and we stayed at the Ronald McDonald House on the weekends, which I never dreamt of doing. I had heard about it, but that's a really cool place for families. And, anyways, I remember praying and telling certain people that this tragedy had used up all of my strength my faith that.
Speaker 3:I don't have nothing left. I can't take no more of this shit. This is hopefully the last, first and last of this. I can't do it. My stress, the stress level, all that stuff of that time that there's not another one in me to live through.
Speaker 2:What does he come out of the hospital? In what condition does he come? Do you guys get to bring him home?
Speaker 3:oh, he's he wakes up from his coma slowly and he starts moving his eyes and starts being able to reach for things and doing all that physical therapy, which I participate. Parents can do all they want, but he started out just like a baby. You hear the stories he had to learn how to swallow um shitting his diapers. I mean all that. I'm giving him showers and this stand-up thing in the hospital how old was he?
Speaker 3:mike nine wasn't he nine? Okay, I don't know if we ever established that yeah, he was nine might have happened when he was eight. He turned nine. It was overall six months in the hospital and he walked out. They filmed it to give other families hope because he was a straight miracle of God. Amen, Because this neurologist who ties into Tyler in a way not in a way he does In a huge way he was a big-time neurologist who ties into Tyler in a way, not in a way he does In a huge way.
Speaker 3:He was a big time neurologist. He taught in universities.
Speaker 4:He's one of the best neurologists in the world In the industry yeah.
Speaker 3:Taught it, wrote books With brain injury and I found out stuff later. You know that when he did his first prognosis, when he was metaflated in, he had told this er nurse who was expecting him to say he ain't gonna make it because he, joe, tested like wrong for everything, the way they test them when they come in severe pain, all this stuff. So she thought he was toast hutch. Gets done with him and says she asked him what do you think I'm hearing this months after the fact? And he said he's gonna walk out of here and she's like he had never been wrong on a call he's made. But she remembers she said he's wrong this time in her mind. He's wrong because she was the first one on joe and she knew how bad he was His brain actually like twisted in his head, severed. All these nerves, all this crap, every physical thing wrong with him is from a brain. He didn't have a broken bone Wow, it's crazy. But anyways, gosh, I forgot where the heck I was going. Larry, it's okay, what about?
Speaker 4:the break. Yeah, the break started when I broke and it wasn't off the deep end.
Speaker 3:I had quit my casual drinking or normal whatever in church, going to that church and everything that just happened to live my right life for God. I was going to the church every morning and praying on my way to work. They opened it up for whoever not formal just go in the sanctuary and pray. And I was doing that and going to work and had just said okay, no more cat, no more partying on the weekends or after work having a few beers and I had probably been a year or so before the accident that I hadn't even had Friday beer or whatever beer and on that canal bank at the hospital and all this, what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:You can't take no more.
Speaker 3:I can't take. No, I can't never, ever do this. This is too much. I've been there. There was a liquor store right there behind the hospital and I walked in there and got me a tall can and drank it. And it didn't start there and I just had that beer and I remember feeling guilty about it, but I remember saying I can't do this. You know I can't. I can't take this shit. I needed some kind of relief or whatever. You're saying um, the word you use sometimes about getting that relief Bro.
Speaker 4:It was a Vicodin bro for me, yeah.
Speaker 3:Well, I got those later, from after when I rolled my son's truck.
Speaker 4:Hey, but hey, so anyway, sorry, I'm not trying to push no you're good. So there was 15 years bro between that of before I met you and bro. You didn't seem like you were a straight drunk when I met when, I knew you at the wrestling. You were a hardworking dad. You were gone.
Speaker 2:So when did you guys meet?
Speaker 4:So we met the wrestling season of 2007. And Mikey was how old Was the 19?, do you?
Speaker 2:want to jump that far.
Speaker 4:He was 17 years old yeah, we're jumping Go.
Speaker 1:Well, let me ask one question, Jason go well, let me.
Speaker 4:Let me, let me ask one question. Jason, you're drinking from?
Speaker 1:that I want to know for 15 years 15 years. What was that drinking?
Speaker 4:I want to know because when I met him, right he was working as a millwright. He was a hard-working dad, he would be at a lot of the wrestling tournaments because he worked out of right state out he was right.
Speaker 1:So, dude, how was your drinking during that period of time?
Speaker 3:I was totally I guess what they call normal. Okay, yeah, I wasn't that's what I wanted to say okay because he was completely normal.
Speaker 4:His wife was happy, his child was super happy and super blessed no, my michael, michael okay michael was because michael went school, Tyler their best friends. They freaking dude. They had an amazing life. His dad, he had a 72. Michael drove around a 72 C10 four-wheel drive, lifted just hot rod Dude, and him and Tyler drove around just like rock stars in the high school.
Speaker 1:Like you did.
Speaker 4:Rob Thomas, just like you, bro, but that's the life his dad provided. So I knew that he wasn't, he wasn't, he was, he wasn't a wreck.
Speaker 3:He was, he was living a good, solid life yeah. I was. I probably had beers, but you know I'd be out working on the property and have a beer. I was out there building the corral, so after Joseph.
Speaker 3:you brought Joseph home, you and Kim started raiding him and Mike and just started living. Little Mike basically was affected from Joseph's wreck because he was a year old or under, he was walking, stealing diapers, all that, or under, he was walking, still in diapers, all that. And so life got all focused on joe that I mean, not that mayhem and tragedy and so it affected michael in his first couple years. Okay, because he got, he didn't get left on the side, but he was in the hospital running around like a like it was home, right, yeah you know, one thing, though I I have to, I would say was like with tyler and micah.
Speaker 4:My son, micah always had someone to play with because they're a little bit slower, and so micah michael had to have joseph that's my brother and to go sit on his lap. Yeah, I can picture that to be, like that yeah, I know that's a good point.
Speaker 3:I was there I could picture that happening was in this. We lived on south fifth and they'd be. I could be in the kitchen making dinner because kim was working nights or something at save mart or wherever she was, um, and they'd be sitting in front of tv watching cartoons just yeah yeah, joe was head injured but he just had was coming out of it and slowly you know, but he could talk and walk and all that, but about the same mentality as michael.
Speaker 3:About then, yeah, that's so they grew up tight, but michael's michael's like got affected by it because yeah, it was.
Speaker 4:It was just crazy, hey. So now I want to jump forward, guys I'm gonna jump forward on this. So so, mike, I'm gonna bring up some heavy shit. All right, bro, are you okay? Yeah, I'll get, I'll find out. So, fucking mike, I don't know if you remember this, but, dude, I remember. I remember the day of the accident and I remember 2007 my correct 2000 yeah, may, may, uh, 7, seventh 2007, 2007.
Speaker 3:I have to hear it. I don't want it. You don't you don't remember.
Speaker 4:He. It's all a big blur to him still so, cause Mike's never dealt with this shit.
Speaker 1:I don't want to get something up from my listeners, Mike. I mean, how long are you sober right now?
Speaker 4:Eight months.
Speaker 1:I've ever known. I'm sober. He's doing the best I've ever seen. A man I want, I just wanted our listeners to know. I want it to get better man, yeah go ahead hey, so anyways.
Speaker 4:So the boys, so the boys. That day, tyler, they went to an all-star wrestling practice for the sam joaquin valley.
Speaker 4:Um, you know, section uh, all-star team traveling high school wrestling, yes, so they went to that practice where they headed to pitman high school bro for the for the. Yeah, anyways, dude, it was probably five o'clock or so and they were supposed to be home and kim called me and said hey, there's something up with the boys. They're not, you know. The fucking sheriff's office just called me. I go what do you mean? They called you. She goes the, the guys, the sheriffs. He wouldn't tell me nothing. He says he's at my house and something happened with the boys and I said they're fine, you know. And I fucking hung up and I called no, no answer, you know, from either one of them and fucking jumped in.
Speaker 4:Tj was with me and we jumped the truck, drove to his house. Where is this up this street? No, this was at his house, where he lives now off um river road and um fucking the corner was standing in front of Mike's house and he told us what happened and that started our goddamn adventure. Was Mike there? No, mike was working in San Diego. Who was at his house?
Speaker 2:The coroner by himself, waiting for him to come home.
Speaker 4:And you show up and I rushed my ass over and said what's going on and they told me mike had was deceased and tyler was in, you know, probably not going to make it in the goddamn you know hospital doctor's hospital. So so, from mike's side of it, this is what I know because I spent a lot of time with mike. No, so mike was eating fucking dinner at a restaurant in san diego where he was working out of town and fucking. Who told him? His wife fucking called and told him over the goddamn phone, you know, and he fucking said he threw his phone and, um, his buddy grabbed him and took him to the airport and, fucking, you know, got him home. Anyways, who picked him up? Sorry?
Speaker 3:Mike. No, it's all right. Yeah, I mean, I remember vividly how that happened. Yeah, you're the one that told me. Yeah, well, you remembered it pretty good, because I was working down basically on the mexican border, on a power plant in chula vista, where you can see the border from where we stayed, and I was going to surprise my wife. I went down there. I used to never travel that far. If I didn't have to, I wouldn't. But there was a gap between jobs and we were going to go to Hawaii or something and I was getting out of the job a couple days early and I went down there to make money, just because I could make a lot of money in a couple weeks and that will help while we're gone for a couple weeks. Right, and so I'm gonna surprise my wife.
Speaker 3:I leaving after dinner, the guys took me out for a see you later dinner, sitting there in the restaurant, and I'm going to drive home and surprise my wife. Just come in the door and go hey, be there a day before we're leaving instead of the day we're leaving. And we rented a condo from these kids. We were raising's grandma. They had this condo down there.
Speaker 3:Well, her daughter, daughter can't think uh, shauna, we're in this restaurant in chula vista and all of a sudden I look up and I see shauna walking towards me and I'm like, and she goes hey, um, I need to talk to you. And I go I thought it was going to be about dude smoking weed on the balcony at the condo and that we're in trouble right. And um, I go, you can tell me right here. And she goes no, we need to go outside. And so we walk out the door and I stop and she goes further and she keeps walking. Then I start freaking out like what the fuck wrong, right, why does she keep going up further? We stop again. I go, hey, shauna. And she keeps walking until we get around the side. And we get around, and so I go Shauna, what the fuck's going on? And she has me a phone with my wife on it and she tells me you, you gotta come home because michael's gone.
Speaker 3:And I don't remember what she said after that, but I threw the phone, tore up the chain link fence in the parking lot, threw myself all over the ground in the parking lot screaming, and then somehow they gathered me up to get to the airport, because my truck and tools down there, but that's like whatever. So they get me to the uh airport and they're just trying to get me to stay calm enough to be able to get on the airplane. And I wasn't drinking. In fact Shauna bought me a drink to try and get me to settle down. So because they were all worried I wasn't going to be able to get on the plane. And so I got on the plane and my best friend he's standing behind me in the ticket line. I'm like, what are you doing? He goes, I'm going with you. You think I'm going to let you get on this?
Speaker 4:motherfucker by yourself, yeah.
Speaker 3:And so he rode the plane with me. I think we said I said one thing to him and he said one thing back the whole plane ride. I'll never forget it. I said one thing to him and he said one thing back the whole plane ride, I'll never forget it. I said why? And he said he just sat there and I can remember his corn fed. His name is Jim Evans and a true friend, nobody else.
Speaker 3:I could imagine doing this and you know, getting on a plane and turn around and getting on a plane and go back to work. I said why? And he said eye hasn't seen nor ear heard. Well, god, that's a plan for those adults. That's all. It's the only words that were spoken, good man. And we get to the airport and my wife's there and whoever's there with her I don't remember and we drive and I don't really remember. The whole house is full of people standing room. All the high school they had already did a vigil out where it happened, I guess, and the house was just like packed and I was just walking to a daze and then hearing my wife's side of it, like Jason said, she has a CHP. Show up, sit her down. I'm in Chula Wana, I called it and she gets this late on. Her with me on the border, her by herself I can't even imagine. It just takes me back to how this thing fucked me up so bad that it breaks my heart of how selfish I was to her.
Speaker 2:What do you mean?
Speaker 3:She went through all that shit and I went into straight killing the pain, killing everything that she, the enormity of what she went through yeah, A mom.
Speaker 4:She held that shit together, bro, and he fell apart.
Speaker 3:I couldn't imagine. And he fell apart. I couldn't imagine. I remember thinking. I cannot imagine her pain. I want to kill myself and so I can't deal with her. There's no way I could. All I would think about is her breastfeeding, burying him, breastfeeding him and then having some cops tell her to sit down and that her baby's gone and mike.
Speaker 4:You told me that, bro, you, you said the same thing to me a few months after, you know, as we were going through this you know high on fucking vicodin and alcohol and, uh, surviving going through that you told me that same, that same thing. You just said I can't. You know what hurts me the most. You told me two things, bro. You told me that you couldn't. You couldn't deal with your wife.
Speaker 3:You couldn't even look her in the face to know the pain she was going through, and you told me that the only conversation I remember with him last one on the phone was how he was so, uh, he had to pry everything out of him, like he didn't brag, he didn't just say, oh, I, I took first, you know, and blah, blah, blah. Well, when he started they were starting to wrestle in this off-season thing. My wife was like you're not in this shape, look at you, you look like a toad. And and what weight are you going to wrestle? And I remember I was home for one of them. They went to the bay somewhere and, uh, jason probably took him. I said I'm sure. And should.
Speaker 4:I took him to the national tournament. He won the national tournament Rocky Mountain Nationals.
Speaker 3:Out of shape. My wife's going what weight are you going to wrestle? And he goes whatever I weigh, I'm just going to wrestle. And she goes you're going to get killed. And he just said whatever, mom? And he comes home with a first place trophy. But when I was in San Diego I called to see how he did in this tournament because he wouldn't call me. So I go how'd you do in the tournament? And he goes good, and I'm like.
Speaker 3:Humble, yeah, humble, that's the word I was looking for, that he would never just. And I'd be like, okay, I'll ask him, what weight? How'd you do? Good, so I remember going like, okay. Now I got to ask did you place? Yeah, okay, what place did you get First? And I'm like, holy shit, you know, give me something to get pumped up about. You know, I was, you know, proud through the phone because he was out of shape. I think he had to borrow Wren's or somebody's singlet because it was so big, fat boy size. But he was just an animal.
Speaker 4:Do you?
Speaker 1:remember which weight class.
Speaker 3:He was in Jason.
Speaker 4:I don't remember. That's all right.
Speaker 4:His mom called him a toad, so he was not in shape Because he had like an eight pack when he was probably so he probably went out there with a four pack you know, just having fun for a national tournament room damn right and yeah, that was like I was stoked about that just hey, but so, so, through the tragedy and I just want to kind of stay, I want to I want to lead into where you know this thing went and the impact, mike, that you had on my life and Tyler's life, my whole family's life, family's life. And I know we had a huge impact on your life too, bro, because, like I said earlier, I believe that we're the reason you kept alive, um, because you were bound and determined to die, not by your own hand, but any other way, and you were good with just like you did, just like I did, and I felt, and I, and he still feels those feelings, I, I don't feel those anymore, I know. But so, so, after, so, tyler, after we buried Michael, mike knew that Tyler was in a coma, the same as Joseph, and he came to the hospital and he realized right away that he'd been here before and he started putting input in to hey, dr hutchinson is the best neurologist than my and joseph went through this, this, and we got a hold of dr hutchinson. He took mike, called him, he on his, he took their case, he took our case Because of Mike, because of Mike, and he came, got him transferred to the children's hospital. Just it all took off from there and through all that like just to wrap all that up in a cap I was super, we were super blessed to have Tyler come back the way he did, because a lot of kids don't come back. Um, and it was a lot of hard work on all of our part getting here.
Speaker 4:Like I said, mike, attached to Tyler, he, he, his whole life was wrapped around you know, coming and helping Tyler, come into my house every day and no matter what it was, and yeah, we drank beer and took our pills and did every you know, and talked and the best we could and this guy's wouldn't talk about, we wouldn't talk about much. But you know, his friend, one of your friends, gave you a knife, I think when he got on an airport. He had a bro, you had a switchblade knife that you would pull out and you would stab everything around you. You don't remember this, but you're like, why did this happen to my kid? And you would just fuck that knife, bro, bro it was. Do you remember that, mike? He probably don't.
Speaker 3:You don't remember? No, I remember cutting myself up at one time. Do you remember that knife? Yeah, yeah, do you still got it? Somebody probably took it from me.
Speaker 4:Somebody probably took it because they took your guns. They took, yeah, they took everything.
Speaker 2:Well, now, talking about the times he would end up on your doorstep, you'd really walk out and do this.
Speaker 4:That was constant, though that was.
Speaker 3:Mike though that was mike, and you remember that mike would get in his chevy truck and he would always have his beer.
Speaker 4:And, dude, that was a packed ice chest. It was a packed ice. The only time I would stop would be to load it back up. Yeah, he had a packed ice chest, but he would come and he would stay with me for four, five, six hours, you know? Um, that was just our deal.
Speaker 1:That's what we did and you were drinking then too. Oh yeah, okay. So you guys are, you're in misery together at this point I wasn't as drunk as he was.
Speaker 4:I wasn't as bad as him. He was bad I I would, but I was. I wasn't drinking as much, but I was taking the happy pills man that made me okay. I can make it through this and give me hope. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:But he was taking happy pills and drinking he would get hammered let me ask a question real fast, mike, when he got, when jason got sober, how did that?
Speaker 3:do you remember that was that like you know, I found out he was sober was when he walked in a meeting. Yeah, I was sitting in.
Speaker 4:So so me and Mike spent me and Mike had spent probably two, three solid years together. So 2007, 2010. Yeah, approximately, I bought my house up in Bridal Ridge. He helped me paint. He was a part of the family. He was a fixture with Tyler Dude. He would come get. He took Tyler to the CIF state tournament in Bakersfield bro by himself which is Tyler can't walk or move or feed himself or any fucking thing and this dude took him to watch the state tournament. Bro Stayed in hotels with him. Dude, this guy took Tyler everywhere. He just got on the way here he just told me a story of taking Tyler. He would take him and take his shotgun and drive out in the middle of Warnerville road and set up cans and let Tyler shoot. Mike was telling me about that yesterday Shotguns and letting him drive.
Speaker 4:Letting him drive and that he just let him be the most human being that he could be.
Speaker 1:He had a blast, because he understood he did have a fucking blast.
Speaker 3:Thank you for that, mike, he fucking gave my son a lot of life before the end of his life. I would tell him drive it. He took off. I could still see his face. He'd be looking at me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm like what am I?
Speaker 3:doing yeah, and this grin he'd get yeah. And he had His legs stretch out, he can move a little bit. I go. Okay, you got the gas, you got the brake, I get in. I seat belt him, everything. It was as safe as it could be and I mean I wasn't going to let the kid get hurt.
Speaker 4:He's no reckless.
Speaker 3:I wasn't going to let the kid get hurt, though, and he was just lit up like a freaking Christmas tree and he's going real slow and he just can't believe he's driving. And he's like looks at me and I go are you good? And he's like I go, well, drive it like you stole it. And he looks at me, what? And we're going like yeah, and he's just like yeah, and I go stop sign, stop sign. And he took it off the gas. I go get the brake a little, took it off the gas. I go get the brake a little and he gets the brake and we stop. I go right on. You got it, ok, let's go. And he starts real slow again. I go drive it like you stole it. Triter Looks at me again, what? And we're throwing gravel and everything. I'm like yeah, he's just like yeah, and we did that for a while.
Speaker 4:And then home. You know, but we did, I don't remember how many times we did that right, you did. You took them all the time like I hey, I forgot about things face to face. So I want to tell you, thank you, what you did for me and my family, bro, that was you're a huge, you're a selfless man, bro. Well, and you were a huge blessing to all of us, bro, from especially tyler, the last part of his life. That was you're. You're a selfless man, bro.
Speaker 3:Well, that's good to hear thank you, it's good to hear, because I didn't think about it as nothing. I never even thought. I know you didn't, I know and I'm not trying to be like mr humble, it was just.
Speaker 4:I remember you didn't, you were there thing to do and, uh, probably kept me alive it did keep you alive helping tyler.
Speaker 3:Yep um, because I would get just so tired of seeing them lay there that I just have to get him out of there let's, let's talk about.
Speaker 1:So you went into rehab first mike, before jason got sober bro, that was that was just a little quick, just to make his wife happy.
Speaker 4:Bro, that was not.
Speaker 3:I was talking to him on my smuggled cell phone.
Speaker 4:Bro, we've been in the hospital several different times, when he's in there with freaking what.
Speaker 3:Pancreatitis.
Speaker 4:He's dying. In there they're saying he may not make it and he's going going. Bro, bring me some fucking viking in right now. They won't let me in, they won't let dude. Yeah, and I'd bring it to him and he's not supposed to drink. How are you gonna fucking swallow this, bro? And he'd chew them up, dude. No, you know that's, but that's what we did. That's how he, that's how he survived and, as far as I know, that's how he survived all the way till now, till what?
Speaker 2:eight months ago, right here, what brought you in finally, eight months ago? I mean? So we're 18 years after, 17 years after the wreck, yeah, and now you're getting. So now you're really.
Speaker 3:Well, yeah, four times dying with the pancreas. That didn't teach me. Rolling Michael's truck was the first thing. First rehab came out that rolling that truck on warner whatever road that is by the canal.
Speaker 4:Yeah, we just drove by.
Speaker 3:He, I was just about to end up in the canal. I was in the last house on the right before the canal. No, I find that somebody take it. It was going to rebuild it and he's working on it, but he promised me he was gonna.
Speaker 4:You need to talk to him, bro, let's try to get that truck back and let's us do it yeah, it's there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I had it sitting there forever gonna do it, but I couldn't look at it I know um. So I just, I told, rolled it who knows how many times, but that was the first rehab. Four rehabs, four hospital dynes um the last one, eight months ago. It was just god's time, I guess timing, because I was still in the same place, drinking every from when I was awake till, if I was awake, I was drinking. What about the pills?
Speaker 3:no, I was off them for the last couple, two, three years you can only do those for so long, yeah in fact I had a couple left ones and I I actually took them for the right reason and they didn't even phase me. I used to. Like you know, I never ran out my. I had a crooked doctor who kept me in full supply.
Speaker 4:I never wait, he wasn't crooked. He told. He told you that most people in your situation would kill themselves, and so he felt like he was doing the less. He was saving your life by giving you the pills that were keeping you alive versus you just straight killing yourself. And he said it would be better for you to go to a rehab down the road someday, like we are right now, yeah, and be able to pull your life together and make it through this fucking tragedy yeah, that, because the pills just kept on forever.
Speaker 4:I didn't need him, you know no, he was keeping your ass alive. Yeah, I didn't.
Speaker 3:I had no ailing things. But let's see, I started like this, like I don't know, getting sick of it, sick of seeing the pain in my wife's face, sick of the way she was having to live because of me, because right after the accident, instead of grieving, my wife had to worry that she was going to bury me.
Speaker 2:The same way. You told me that a few times.
Speaker 3:I mean literally she couldn't even think about her grief because she never knew where I was and she figured the next phone call was going to be I'm dead. And that was right off the bat because, like Jason said, I couldn't look at her, I couldn't deal with it, I couldn't look at her. Kind of just made me think back about when Joe's accident I said I can't do this again.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And then the worst thing happened, and I wasn't thinking about that when it happened, but the fact that I couldn't even look at her, because I'd want to blow my brains out if I'd thought about her pain. That's what you had told me, bro, and my pain, I did enough damage to myself not caring. I mean I'd be so mad and grieved out Like you hear those people. They call them cutters.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I didn't do it a lot but you can't hardly see it now. But there's a scar from right here to right there and all over my hands that are kind of blending in now that I had a badass Kershaw I called it the man killer and I was just sitting behind the reservoir one day just drinking. I'd go out there and part or no, you know, I wouldn't bother nobody, I was just remember screaming and just took that knife, went in my hand and just to feel something other.
Speaker 3:I don't know, yeah, or or just like I didn't even feel it, I guess I don't know. I don't know why I did it, but I was sitting out there with my arm out the window like this. There's a big puddle of blood under it and some bicycler drove by 10 speeder, guy you know. And all of a sudden I hear somebody hey, hey. And I look up and he goes you okay? And I go yeah, I'm fine, he goes. Well, you don't look like it. And he goes your arm looks terrible. And I looked, I go this is fine, it's clotting up. And stuck my arm back out the window and he's like do you want to talk? And I'm like, no, dude, I don't want to talk. And he finally got me out of the truck, sitting on the tailgate talking and, um, he goes. You know what? He goes I work. He's like a rn or something. He goes your arm needs to get looked at, it's not okay. And I go, he goes I need to call ambulance for for you. I go no, dude, I'll drive myself. Thanks for stopping. So he finally was smart enough to finagle me into letting him call the ambulance.
Speaker 3:But if I would have known who was going to show up first. I would have never let him do it because it was CHP sheriff. The next thing I'm 5150. Rightfully so. And I'm laying there going. Hey, man, oakdale is that way. Where are we going? They really won't answer. And I see where they're pulling up and I kind of know what this place is MPC.
Speaker 2:The Nassau Psychiatric Center.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, and I'm like no dude, when you open this door, I'm bouncing, I'm not going in there. The dude treating me in the ambulance is some high school friend of Michael's. He's like I know who you are, I'm friends with Michael, blah, blah, blah, and it was weird. I told him I'm bouncing. He goes please don, please don't, because I'm gonna lose my job if you bounce. And so I went in. Next thing I'm in bakerfield, a bunch of freaking nuts playing with green oranges and shit, like talking to their souls, and so, yeah, that went all bad. I forgot where we were going but that's all.
Speaker 1:That's all part of the story.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, I couldn't. Oh yeah, there's so much bad in my life. I got finally to a point where you know I would pray to God to help me stop. Because to me rehab I knew I'd been in so many I bounced out of one in the middle of Watsonville in a lettuce field. It was like a prison with Constantine wires. I escaped on the work crew, I jumped out and left and anyways, that wasn't trying to get fixed, I wasn't trying to heal, I was trying to just like get a time out, maybe be able to stop. But the bottom line is I said it in your men's meeting that I felt that there's no way I could ever be okay again in my life with this tragedy. I'm never going to be okay with it. I'm never going to be okay with it. I'm never going to be right again that I'm supposed to be miserable. I'm going to be miserable and grieve this thing, just like I'm doing, until the day I die. Do you feel that way right now?
Speaker 2:No, you said that to Matt too, because you were trying to help Matt get to that point.
Speaker 4:You don't feel like that. No, more.
Speaker 3:I'm getting to where, like I said in the meeting, it's because I believe in Jesus Christ, Amen, Okay, and if I keep living the way I'm living, I'm slapping him in the face for the way he died for me. And if I believe my son's in heaven in a way better place and I'm going to see him again, I can't keep living like this and I can't. That wasn't the thought before I went to rehab. It would be because I would be praying and knowing you know it's a God, help take this away from me, because I thought rehab is just going to be another one of them things.
Speaker 4:You know, 30 days and here I am again and as I'm reaching for like so you feel like and I'm sorry because I just want to touch bases on this, bro, because I felt all this so you feel like you're not doing right by god by living the way you're living god and my wife okay, and your son, you said okay, you said michael and your son, kick your ass.
Speaker 2:If you knew you were at the same time at the same time, it's hard to take away from.
Speaker 4:I don't, because I lived, I've done the same stuff, bro, and I went. I can. How can I ever live? How can I be happy? You can't?
Speaker 1:he can't.
Speaker 4:so I can't like fuck everybody for the rest of my life. I have a black cloud over me and that's what it's going to be, but then, it transitioned into damn, I'm not living right.
Speaker 4:I know God doesn't want me to live like this because he loves me and he doesn't want me to, but ultimately that was that led down the path of trying to get right, but ultimately none of that shit even came close to changing until I I guess I crashed out. I hit rock bottom and I was defeated and I was um, I was like when rob. When I first met rob, the first thing I said was like bro, he goes, I can help you, I go. What I tell?
Speaker 2:you. You can't help me, nobody can help.
Speaker 4:You can't help me nobody can help me, mike, just like you. That's the same same word. Nobody on this fucking planet will ever fucking be able to fucking help me, and that was the fucking truth, what I tell you you said hey, give me one week and do everything I ask. Give me one week. Give me one week, do everything I say and fucking.
Speaker 4:And I promise you you're fucked. I promise you it'll change, bro, and I did what he said. Bro, mike, you don't know it yet, but my life fucking changed just like we were talking on the way here. Bro, my life is something I could never fucking have ever believed I could have. After what happened and what we went through, there's no recovery, there's no living again after that. Bro, I'm living like that never fucking happened.
Speaker 3:Like that never happened. Bro, heard part of your story when you shared it when I walked into a birthday meeting and he was there and then I sat in the back, where I still sit. I don't sit there to hide, that's just where I like to sit, um, and I listened to him and I was like it was cool, but it also was striking nerves and yeah, all that. I was happy to see him. We hadn't seen each other. Yeah, that's how Hold on.
Speaker 2:That birthday meeting was what A month or two ago, when he got his birthday chip. You walked in a half hour late because you always think that meeting starts at 6. It's 5.30.
Speaker 3:He don't produce shit, does he? So that's the first time you've seen him. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn seen each other since probably seven, eight years. Wow, wow, he got clean.
Speaker 4:He was working on sobriety or whatever, when you were still hey, no, no, no, no. I hey, my, I couldn't fucking take you no more, bro. You were fucking breaking my goddamn heart, bro, you were fucking dude. Hey, I'm being honest no, it's not it wasn't in it wasn't in a bad way, but it was.
Speaker 4:Bro, I was going through my own shit because two, three years after the rep we kind of parted ways from our shit. Dude, it was too raw, all of just fucking. I sent Tyler to go live with his mom fucking and I was dude and I started doing fucking meth and you know, I mean that didn't last long but, dude, I couldn't take, I couldn't live in it. No more bro, I couldn't live with what happened to tyler. Michael fucking the wreck. I couldn't. I, I literally fucking couldn't.
Speaker 3:No, there's and so I mean there's no way, you can no bro unless, bro, unless you surrender I went on to Right there, Mike what?
Speaker 1:you just said Dude.
Speaker 4:I went on to cover it up with a different life with Micah and his sisters and coaching the wrestling team and being good and not drinking. And you know, I didn't do none of the steps. I was still. I never dealt with the shit, but I was not drinking. I was doing good for almost three, four years, yeah, and then but it never goes away I still felt the same fucking way that you feel, you know, or felt, or, but until I literally did these fucking steps, which took like a couple weeks, dude, my whole life changed, bro, and I'm and the only reason I'm saying it because it fucking happened like the pain and all that shit we went through is fucking gone. I cry all the time, bro, because I am emotional and I feel I feel other people's pain or hurt. I see empathy, I see kids get hurt and I just like fuck it or crushes me, but I'm I bro, I'm happy Our, our boys are wrestling right now in heaven.
Speaker 3:God, our friend, all of our friends, and we're heading that way. Bro, there's a, there's a. I, I get what you're saying. I remember being or getting to a point where I couldn't take tighter seeing him like that anymore too. You know, it was just like I would feel doing something. I don't know what I was doing, why I was there and I was there, but I remember being brokenhearted every time I left him.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Because, but it didn't keep me from coming back. But I remember just like it was. Just I mean, how could you feel it's like it just breaks you. And finally I remember I was calling this rehab. I had been in before so I remembered it was a good rehab.
Speaker 3:That was basically eight months ago, you're talking about, to New Hope and it was a hardcore place. First time I went it was mostly people trying to. If they do good there they don't go back to jail. I was like the only volunteer. And it's the same place, but different concept with that part. But it's still hardcore. There's nothing there, it's just rehab. You're not there on vacation, right? And I kept calling him hon, I was going to go in. I wasn't going to go in, I'll try and stop. And even gave my wife. I gave him up. She didn't take keys, wallet. She was leaving me enough beer, not dt. She thought they'd be gone before she left to work in the morning. And then I had another set of keys to the truck and I never stopped.
Speaker 3:But I was be puking outside waiting till the third beer would stay down and then I'd be good to go. Then I started getting the vodka. Little guys, the shooters, I had them everywhere. That's how crazy it was. I pictured that Is that a half pint? Is it a small bottle? Whatever it is, picture that as one beer. And so I'd drink that pretty much. Two, three drinks. And just figure it. My head was I just had one beer just now and I never even could figure out why my wife would come home after and how much have you drank today? And I'd be like I just had that, those beers. She left me in the fridge. She'd be like, oh bullshit, tell the truth, she's screaming at me. That's when I got up and did that thing. She goes me in the fridge. She'd be like, oh bullshit, tell the truth, she's screaming at me. That's when I got up and did that thing. She goes, tell the truth, mike, bring it into the light, quit lying. And she's standing there doing this. She's directing airplanes. I can still picture it and I'm like, okay, okay, I mean, mean, I can't just straight lie in her face. And so I went and grabbed the bottle out of the garage, poured it down the sink and she's just gone. Ape shit. She's storming down the hall and I knew I had some airliners hidden in the garage, so I ran out there to get a couple of them down before she came back out the hall I reached for I had him hidden in this football helmet and they were gone. I'm like she found them and she didn't let me know for two days later she goes oh yeah, nice try with the football helmet. Oh boy.
Speaker 3:And I was like so finally I was puking outside saying god, what, what am I supposed to do? And I called the new, new, oh, said I'm coming For real. You know, I had been talking to him a couple weeks. So he said don't drive, take an Uber. And I'm like okay, whatever. So I called my wife, tell her I'm going in. She says I'll come get you, and so she comes and gets me. And it was just different. I was just done. And willingness, yeah, because god, I love talking about this part a little, because people think, uh, what they use as their excuse isn't a god, because he prayed and he didn't I go. God knew what he was doing. He made me willing to take myself in and willing to go.
Speaker 3:I started working the program. I knew the program. I just never did it right. You can't go to four or five rehabs and not know the program yeah, you gotta. But if you don't do the program, there you go.
Speaker 4:You'll never you don't get the result you'll get the reward yeah
Speaker 3:I started working my program in there before they were even talking about that part of the program. God was working on my patience, my willingness to listen and not just trying to stay in my room and tell everybody to screw off and just do my time right. I went to meetings, I shared in meetings. I was just working it in there. It was just different because God made me willing to go and then he gave me, like it says in there, um, god started doing for things for me that I couldn't do for myself, but I was willing for him to keep me. I mean, I would have never sat in. I sat in two meetings before and I'm like screw this drama. This makes me want to drink. So in there I've learned to get back in touch with God. I was going to church drinking. I'd have to have a couple shooters.
Speaker 3:I've done that many times my wife didn't make me not believe. But my wife, she's a prayer partner and a greeter and she comes to me and goes don't talk Hand me a mint. And I'm like, okay, here I'll take the mint. But that's how I went to church. And now even that's better because I can listen to the pastor and teach his teaching. Like I said, I go to AA to sit there, not to warm a seat, but now I go to listen. You do more than listen.
Speaker 2:buddy, he participates in my Thursday night meeting. He's got some of the best More than more than.
Speaker 3:Well, that's yeah, that's happened because, being willing and open-minded and sitting there, it's hard for me to sit and listen to him because it's just hard, it's a chore. And I've sat in there before and this was. I can picture my wife and God gave you two ears and one mouth. Listen and one mouth If you would listen, you know, and I hear great, but I don't listen. Good, I'm learning to listen a lot more that I can tolerate. I mean it's a big chore If you can sit there and throw a meeting and listen to everything.
Speaker 2:Right, no, it's a chore.
Speaker 3:It's not easy sometimes to listen to.
Speaker 2:God put a couple of pricks in your way to keep bugging you. How are those steps coming, Mike?
Speaker 4:Oh, this guy will.
Speaker 1:You know what's been fun to watch. You know what's been fun to watch and this is the reason why I'm so happy to have mike here is because when mike first came into the room there in oakdale, he were there right, fresh out of new hope, and you could see new people when they come into the rooms. Right, you can see it, they. He was just broken, broken and he was, but he. You saw the willingness in his face right. Second, third, fourth meeting in. He started sharing, or maybe he started sharing right away, but and I've said this before that I saw the light just getting brighter and brighter and brighter and brighter, and then you started communicating more and more and more I started communicating that.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm on step three, right, you know and then.
Speaker 1:But then when he showed up at the Monday night meeting, I'm like this boy's got it, he's fucking got it, yeah, you know. And then you shared, and then you shared in. I still remember this, mike, and I may bring up open something you don't want to talk about. You can cut it. I think one of the most prolific things I heard you say is when kim caught you making a noose. Oh yeah, if you want to hit on that just for a minute, oh yeah oh well, how, that's, how bad it was the whole thing was.
Speaker 3:I always say I just the way I look at it, I just wanted to stay in a coma and not think about what happened. That's why until, like you just said, the date jason, a date year when it happened, people asked me how long ago was it? I'm like I don't know. It was yesterday, because it's still yesterday right to me and it probably always will be. I don't think about the time and I don't think about I honestly don't know the year or the day. I have to go look on the back of the dodge that somebody put michael stillman heart of a champion and put the year and better yet, go to where both of our boys are buried, and you'll see it right there yeah have you been?
Speaker 3:there. Uh, I went christmas with kim, to put it. That's another thing that's gotten once or twice, or three times four.
Speaker 4:Have you been there? Yeah, okay, yeah I'm just I'm just uh because I went for years without going. Yeah, I couldn't, no, I, I couldn't go a little night step work out there yeah, we did, I spent a lot of time out there. Yeah, A little help.
Speaker 3:I went out there.
Speaker 4:That's why.
Speaker 3:I was asking, cleaned up, we'll get him out. There Went out Christmas with my wife, which I wouldn't do, because she buys a real tree, decorates it, puts lights and I go out and help her do that. So that's huge because I will use, you won't go. And then I even helped her get the tree and made a point to go do it. And then we went over to Tyler's and I cleaned his up because it was decorated for Christmas and something had fallen over. So I went. If I'm there, we'd clean up Michael's.
Speaker 1:How close were they at the cemetery? 50 feet apart maybe Wow.
Speaker 4:They're buried next to each other.
Speaker 3:Michael's here and Tyler's, like I mean maybe 50 feet, it's not 25 feet, 25 feet.
Speaker 1:Hey, let's ask this question, mike how are you feeling Right now? In general, In general How's the promises coming?
Speaker 2:Gotta work the steps, get the nice set promises.
Speaker 3:Slowly but, like they say, says in there what Sometimes quickly, sometimes slow.
Speaker 2:See this they will always materialize.
Speaker 3:In fact, I don't even know these AA things because I've been going way too much no.
Speaker 4:Hey, you're not going too much until you do the steps.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:You're going through the motions, but hey, I just want to ask you, bro, mike. So do you have a sponsor? Yep, who is it? Do you know? I mean, if you don't mind me asking Tom, tom, okay you got a different one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, good, oh, big Tom.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Good, oh, fuck yeah.
Speaker 3:Good, good, yeah, I've already been to his house. We'll wash his truck. No, I haven't done that. That is not what a sponsorship is about.
Speaker 4:I don't know I don't know if, uh, you know how cool your sponsor is or whatever, bro, but you know, dude, I'm telling you right now that I know that this whole program, the aa shit, it's cool to get in there and get your feet in there and you know, kind of, do what you're doing, but until you do the 12 steps, you're fucking. You're sitting in. I don't deserve any happiness. No, you're sitting in that same space of oh yeah.
Speaker 1:You're just sober. You don't have sobriety, you're not even You're not.
Speaker 4:You're living in denial of.
Speaker 2:But I'm proud to get a different sponsor, something that will take you through the steps, cause that's what you need, brother. But bro, I'm telling you right, he gave me a loophole that worked.
Speaker 3:There's no loophole. No a loophole to have him do it without, like they say, firing somebody. I didn't want to do that.
Speaker 2:Cause it wasn't his fault.
Speaker 3:I didn them or no, I get it, I get it. So I was stuck there and tom goes. Well, you know, you can go through the steps of somebody else and keep your sponsor.
Speaker 4:Tom said that, hey, because I'm telling you. I'll take you through the steps, mike, if you want to go through them. Oh my god, I might need some help on some of it.
Speaker 3:Hey, no, whatever step it is. Hey, mike, basically we're talking about well, I know you will and I appreciate I'll do it, dude, we'll do it fast and hard and it'll fucking be done.
Speaker 4:Thorough, it will be done in two, three, four, as fast as you'll do it. We can do it in a day, bro, if you can do it.
Speaker 3:Well, maybe make a plan for that, and then I'll still this guy.
Speaker 4:Maybe we'll make a plan. No, I'm not against it. Do it with me, bro.
Speaker 3:I still want to do it slower and keep going through it with Tom, but through that part that we both know sucks.
Speaker 4:Me and you, let's do this and get it done, we could do that.
Speaker 1:You know I love you two both so much. But I'm going to side with Mike here just for a minute. I ain't giving you a fucking out by saying this. What I am saying? The same way, that willingness that you had to go into the rehab, you're gonna get that same willingness to get these steps done. Here's the one thing I do know too when you do those fucking steps it, you will literally feel the fucking weight of the world come off of you.
Speaker 4:I keep hearing, bro, I wouldn't be pressuring you so hard. I would never do that to you, Mike.
Speaker 1:This is why the people that love you the guys in here.
Speaker 4:I love you bro.
Speaker 1:This is why they are trying to get you through those, those steps, Because the harder you dig into this shit and get it the fuck out because it's all it's doing is taking up space in your life, taking up space, ruining your fucking life. It's not doing anything.
Speaker 4:It's dead skin that's got to be fucking ripped off bro, and I don't want to do your steps with you I'm too close to you but I will fucking do them for you, bro, to free you, bro, from this, our misery that we've lived through, bro, and it will free your ass. You will be a whole nother man, bro, the man you were 20 years ago, bro. You will be that guy.
Speaker 3:That'd be cool, my wife she will love you. She's so much happier. Just even now it's this no, there's a lot more to come. I know there's more to be revealed, like they say and um, but for reals, the look. I mean not little, I've made a huge yes, you have gains.
Speaker 3:you can see it in my wife, I can see it in your face and she. We just have way more good times. There's hardly. I mean I annoy her period, it's a job of mine, there's so much. But she, me and her, have fun she deserves it. Yeah, big time. And we I'm not staying stuck in apologizing to her, saying I'm sorry for the things I should be, and she knows it she just tells me, like shut up, I forgave you for everything and but I.
Speaker 3:You know they come to the part of forgiving yourself. Yeah, and then that's where I say I just would slap god in the face if for what christ did for me to forgive me took that, that beating. If you read in Isaiah the harsh, the brutal death he took to forgive me, and I can't forgive myself and I think he's not going to forgive me, that's like slapping him in the face and I got tired of that and I can't like we worked through the lie that I can't like. We work the lie that we that I can't be have a life again.
Speaker 1:I want to talk to you a little bit about that, mike, because I went I I work with that. I still work through that with my wife because I got a lot of guilt of what I put my wife through. We have a living amends to our, to our ones that are close to us, or my daughters and my wife. I have a living amends to our, to our ones that are close to us, or my daughters and my wife. I have a living amends and I have to do. I have a living amends to myself, right. So we have to internally live that a living amends to ourselves.
Speaker 1:I forgive myself a little bit each day and I love myself a little bit more each day. When you can learn to look at yourself in the mirror and you look back and you say I like that man right there, right. When you are able to start doing that, the people around you are going to start attracting to that right, the more you can love yourself, the more that everybody else around you just attracts to that love and sees it and that forgiveness and all that stuff just goes out the fucking window. I couldn't love my wife the way I love her now until I was able to start loving myself. That's the difference between where I was at about nine months, 10 months I was 10 months, 11 months, before I finally understood that and when I could look at myself in the mirror and go I love you. That's when. That's when my love for my wife completely changed.
Speaker 3:I like what you said.
Speaker 1:Oh wow, there's beautiful right there.
Speaker 4:You know where that is? Hmm, you know where that is. Yeah, I see her all the time. Oh, do you? Does she tell you or no? I don't think she probably does. Yeah, because you guys probably don't talk about the stuff that Did you see it, jason's hitting on my old lady at the cemetery.
Speaker 3:Damn it, jason.
Speaker 4:Hey, bro, imagine being able to sit there and talk to Kim about how amazing Michael was or he did his, you know, his junior year, wrestling all those accomplishments, and just fill the swell up with pride and joy. Did you do that, huh? Did you do that with her? No, no, but you could, you, hey I would. I wouldn't heartbeat but I know that that's something you probably don't. You don't talk about.
Speaker 3:I know what little people have heard me. Share in a meeting is as far as.
Speaker 4:Yeah, but imagine being able to talk to her about how blessed you were to have those 17 years with him, bro, and she would love that. And you get the steps done and the shit wiped off your plate and you will be able to do that with her bro. Yeah, like I do now. I'm do that with her bro. Yeah, like I do now. I'm so happy and thankful, bro. So what, tyler's gone Dude, I had the most Dude. It was horrific.
Speaker 4:Right, you were there, I'm fucking thankful for all of it, bro, and that's the steps in God, you bro.
Speaker 3:That's the steps in God I'm getting there.
Speaker 4:I'm not trying to pressure you, I'm just trying to help you. I love you bro.
Speaker 3:No, you're not Nobody's pressuring. Nobody can tell Michael what to do.
Speaker 4:I know that, I do know that.
Speaker 3:I know that.
Speaker 4:My wife was here she goes, my name's Michael.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and nobody can tell me what?
Speaker 3:to do when? Okay, let me just say real quick.
Speaker 1:Go ahead.
Speaker 3:Something Jason said, which is what I've always said I want to do, is quit living in misery, and I've said from day one but it hasn't stopped me that Michael literally beat my ass If you come down.
Speaker 1:See how.
Speaker 3:I'm living and treating his mom Right. He did One quick note. I want to talk about that prayer. Oh, I got to bring it. Yeah, I wish I had it with me. I'll get it to you. He whipped my ass before he went home. Christmas or Thanksgiving it was Thanksgiving, I think, yeah, and he's in training, right. So he's eating some white meat. Turkey just rode around the reservoir on a bike with a garbage bag on all that stuff. So he's just disciplined as hell. He's laying there in the entryway and this room we have we call it the dark room now because it's where a lot of michael's stuff is- damn, that's crazy when she cleaned his room out somebody come help her
Speaker 3:my mind it's called that room where all the people were at when I got trophies and all of his. We call it the dark room. It's we don't go in there and it's storage, almost like and and um. So we're laying like right by there and my brother's there. We're all laying there and I'm looking at michael and he's just giving my brother crap, just with his goofy faces all laying there. And I'm looking at Michael and he's just giving my brother crap with his goofy faces and I'm looking over at him and I go I wonder what he could do right now with me on top of him.
Speaker 3:So, I'm plotting there and I wait for him to turn his head like that and I jumped on him and before I don't even know what happened, I was screaming okay, okay, okay, yeah, just okay, okay, yeah, and so just like your, just like your mom's boyfriend, with the chicken wing. He fucked you up and he just let go and went back to where he was, like nothing happened, yeah, so. I'm sitting there going, still thinking about it, going, okay, I'm putting 185 on him. Yeah, all of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I didn't just jump on him and start doing this.
Speaker 3:You know, I just jumped on him, so I go. I jumped on him again, I go let's see what you can do with 185 on top of you. And he goes okay, okay, okay, I'm fucking eating carpet. I went to work. They're like what?
Speaker 4:happened to you?
Speaker 1:Carpet burns all over your forehead.
Speaker 3:My face was.
Speaker 3:I had it happened, I go, what did you just do? And he said some move. And I'm like, okay, I'm not trying that shit again so he could whip my ass quick at that age 17. It was like, anyways, what Larry said, what you, what you said, I got to listen to it over. But cause it will all come back, but you talking about with your wife still like, yep, those things are getting better. Yes, they will, and she I mean we have. If you could see now to me, I'm glad you guys say it, I need to hear it. You saying you see a light, or whatever my wife says she sees, oh yeah people in the room said oh no, you, you're way different.
Speaker 1:I go, you guys are full of shit Way different, because I just feel like I'm not drinking Nope and happiness.
Speaker 3:You know, whatever, I still am stuck in that you can't.
Speaker 3:I don't think about it, but it's a long time of waiting, of telling myself you're going to be miserable until you die and whether I help it along or I'm not helping it along, I'm still gonna be miserable till I die. And the the house where we live that's my only home we've had yeah, so I didn't want to be there. I still have a hard time being there. Uh, he used to mow the yards and I mow. I remember parking it and screaming where are you? You know, you know, and I couldn't. I couldn't mow, okay, but anyways, larry said something about the wives.
Speaker 4:Hey, bless though, bro, All that shit goes away. Bro.
Speaker 3:I'm telling you, bro you know what I know it can be. I've said it, but I haven't done it.
Speaker 4:It's way easier than you.
Speaker 2:I want to celebrate his legacy, not this part I do want to hear about the prayer. His son wrote a prayer.
Speaker 1:We can come back in a couple weeks and start this again. I think there's still a lot here, mike. There's a lot. Mike, you want to come back? Yeah, I'll come back, jason, I'll come back.
Speaker 3:We just scratched. Can you come back? I can come back whenever, yeah.
Speaker 1:No, I want to do the steps with this guy.
Speaker 4:Mike, yeah, no, I want to do the steps with this guy, bro, this works.
Speaker 3:This works. No, I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:No, because there's more there. I think there's more there.
Speaker 3:There is a lot more.
Speaker 4:There's a lot more, bro.
Speaker 3:We skimmed through this last Right, right, but every time I've blocked things off. So bad.
Speaker 4:I need to get triggered Right, yeah, like on the goddamn truck, bro, I wanted to have that in there.
Speaker 1:Here's what we're going to do Kill it. We're going to reschedule this. We're going to reschedule this. We're coming back. If you want to reach out to me or to Rob, or to Mike or Jason recoveryunfilteredpodcasts at gmailcom, we're going to get to the end of it. Love you guys. Give us a call, love you. Thank you for joining us today. We hope you learned something today that will help you If you did not come back next week, and we'll try again If you like what we heard.
Speaker 2:Give us a five-star review. If you don't like what you heard, kiss my. You can't say that, can you? Anyway, do it anyway. Thanks, rob. Come back next week and hopefully something will be different and something will sink in. Take care.
Speaker 1:This has been Recovery Unfiltered.