Recovery Unfiltered
Taking recovery discussion to a different level. Bringing comedy and the lighter side of sober living along with educating non-alcoholics and alcoholics. Hear real stories unfiltered.
Recovery Unfiltered
Sobriety's Impact: A Father's Journey Through His Daughter's Eyes
In this milestone 50th episode, we pull back the curtain on addiction and recovery through the eyes of a daughter as Larry's youngest, McKenna, joins the conversation to share her perspective on her father's journey through alcoholism and sobriety.
McKenna recounts growing up with her dad "Larber," from their adventures showing livestock to the gradual shift as social drinking progressed into something more concerning. With remarkable candor, she pinpoints the moment reality broke through her denial—finding a hidden, half-empty whiskey bottle that her father had lied about drinking. What follows is a raw family account of navigating the crisis, forming what they called the "core four" support system, and the emotional day they dropped Larry off at rehabilitation.
The transformation she describes is profound—not just in her father's physical appearance as the swelling and yellow tint left his eyes, but in the rebuilding of trust and relationship. Perhaps most moving is McKenna's letter to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which she wrote to commemorate her father's first year of sobriety, thanking it for returning her superhero to the family.
Now three years into Larry's recovery journey, McKenna reflects on how her initial embarrassment has transformed into pride, and how the experience has changed her perspective on addiction, family, and resilience. This episode offers a powerful window into how addiction affects entire families and the beautiful healing that can happen when recovery takes root.
Are you watching a loved one struggle with addiction? Reach out to us at recoveryunfilteredpodcasts@gmail.com—our experience might help light your path forward.
Thank You for Joining Us.. Please share with friends. If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcoholism please reach out to us. We can get you help. recoveryunfilteredpodcast@gmail.com
You sit on the toilet, don't you Use that?
Speaker 2:as your meditation. Not my wife, not your wife, nor anybody listening to this podcast has eaten a shit sandwich.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Recovery.
Speaker 2:Unfiltered. I'm Larry. I'm an alcoholic. I am Rob. I am also an alcoholic. We are not professionals. There are no letters after our names. We know very little. However, you will hear the word God and a four-letter word in the same sentence. You will also be offended. So if you are easily offended, just pass us by. This podcast is not for you our opinions are just that.
Speaker 1:If you don't agree with what we're saying, that's okay. We're gonna love you anyways.
Speaker 2:We are not in any way affiliated with aa so sit back, grab a beverage of your choice and get ready let's go. Hello, rob I want to make sure that fucking mic's real close to my mouth, because I don't want you to don't be getting fussy with me, hey, hey before we start what I have to make an amends With who To a woman that's going to hear this, hopefully.
Speaker 1:Your wife. No, bonnie Susan. Did you piss Bonnie off again? Nope, hi Susan.
Speaker 2:So last week Susan says hey, what day is free. I want to take you out to dinner Because me and Susan got sober together For 14th. I said Tuesday's. I got nothing Tuesday.
Speaker 1:Oh boy, oh boy.
Speaker 2:So I'm driving here and for some reason cool hand Luke's kept coming to my head.
Speaker 1:I'm like shit, you're supposed to meet her there. She's there, did you call her?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I called her so and I get so now so I called my wife and she so calendars calendars Rob.
Speaker 1:Okay, how?
Speaker 2:often have I let you down on this. I mean you guys all, never, absolutely not no, and I appreciate it. This is like a rare moment where I actually I know you double booked. You double booked, so next Tuesday I take her to dinner.
Speaker 1:Now you got to pay, then I pay.
Speaker 2:Then I feel like an ass, it happens.
Speaker 1:I mean, mean, you know what? If anybody ever looked at my calendar, they would think I I didn't have any time to sleep. I have to live on a calendar.
Speaker 3:I have to that was beautiful like that yeah, god damn it.
Speaker 1:I muted the mic, but I think you came. That swallow came all the way over onto my mic turn that fucker down. You're loud enough man so your birthday um podcast got a bunch of reviews, did it? Yeah, a lot of people were like that's the best one we've heard in a long time. They're coming in through the itunes ones a lot of places you don't see okay I got you it's just the comments that in there.
Speaker 1:They're just saying that it was one of the funner ones they've seen in a long time. But what was fun is that we went from two pretty serious ones back to back to back. Yeah To bam, we just went to having fun. So they thought it was a good, this will be fun, this one will be fun. So well, we're going to. We're going to.
Speaker 2:What is this 50?
Speaker 1:This is 50. Yeah, this is 50. So we're going to start with the youngest. We are starting with the youngest. Hello, miss McKenna. Hello, that is my youngest. That's my baby girl. That's the baby. So how old are you now?
Speaker 4:I will be 27 on the 23rd, so it's coming.
Speaker 1:Well, I actually taken her fiance down to LA for her birthday and leaving her home alone.
Speaker 4:This has been a struggle and, honestly, I'm not the cleanest mouth, so everybody will probably hear the F word as well coming out of my mouth.
Speaker 1:You're my girl baby.
Speaker 4:Learn from the best.
Speaker 2:If we haven't chased them away by now, that's good.
Speaker 4:I was actually supposed to go down on that trip with them, and I keep telling everybody I'm like. You know. My dad gave the employees two different options. They could either do it the week of the 18th, which was his birthday week, or the week at the 23rd, which was my birthday week, and he chose my fucking birthday week. So, uh, I was actually going to go down, yeah, Well, cause I'm trying to save as much time for the wedding and the honeymoon, so I'm really really not trying to take any time off right now.
Speaker 1:Self-centered, selfish son of a bitch. Yeah, pay $62. Dick.
Speaker 4:God, he's had so many fucking birthdays now.
Speaker 1:I say it, I say it all the time. I am a self-centered all about me. Just go back and listen to some podcasts.
Speaker 4:It's all about me, but at least you're sober yeah.
Speaker 1:So I'm probably going to step back a little bit and let you do some interviewing.
Speaker 2:I just want to know. What do you want to know? Okay, well, we're going to get right into it. Go Jump.
Speaker 3:We love to jump.
Speaker 2:So what I want to know is because he was a noise and we talked about the last part of his dream and when you were in high school, what was it like?
Speaker 4:Gosh.
Speaker 2:What was the family Now? How much older is miranda?
Speaker 1:she's five years 11 months, which is a bit. That's a minute. Yeah, it's almost six years, okay, yeah quite a bit of difference different friends, different circle of friends, different high school era, different grammar school era. Just completely different.
Speaker 2:Different group, yeah yeah, so what was life like?
Speaker 4:honestly, um, when I was in high school even growing up before high school into middle school I was starting to play travel ball and me and Big Larber, we were thick sleeves, we did everything together. My mom stayed at home with Miranda and did all of her cheer stuff and all of her extracurricular activities and he would go with me everywhere we would travel for basketball, and that's when I started to get into showing. So he became a huge aspect in life, with me showing showing animals.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what'd you show?
Speaker 4:I showed um beef and dairy, so I did both. And then, uh, I got a wild hair up my ass, senior year of high school and I showed a turkey How'd that go? Her name? A turkey, how'd that go? Her name was olga.
Speaker 2:She was literally the best thing ever we took first in showmanship. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Honestly, how do you train a turkey? You don't?
Speaker 4:she trained me, yeah we literally got to fair in july and they're like okay, well, which one's yours? I was like I don't know, like her band was like 78 or something I guess like, and so I just picked up a random turkey and we went to show.
Speaker 2:What happened to the turkey?
Speaker 4:Oh, she became like turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.
Speaker 2:I'm sure.
Speaker 4:But yeah, like I said, me and Big Larber, we were literally thick as thieves so we traveled to jackpots together pretty much every weekend. He was hooking up a trailer and pulling with me, so we were honestly best friends. I could say to this day that we're still best friends, so, but pretty much normal, I mean coming home every day and you know he was working quite a bit and he was actually working from home. It's so funny because we always tell everybody like my dad worked from home and so I knew to manipulate and manipulate him and be like hey.
Speaker 4:I need tampons, but can you bring me lunch too? So we loved that, that he worked from home.
Speaker 1:So it was always nice Miranda did the same shit yeah.
Speaker 4:So it was always nice having him close and like having him just here too and knowing that we can always, you know, call him if we needed him, so being able to rely on him when mom was like away from work was nice, so so you were just regular dad drink a little bit oh, I drank quite a bit when yeah, I mean honestly like when what then? Don't fucking ask yeah honestly like they would have friends over um him coaching high school football. He, oh hi Frank.
Speaker 1:Then apparently my dog just come running up here.
Speaker 4:Him coaching high school football. Everybody would come over All the coaches. We kind of bebopped around from different houses. We would go to one coach's house one weekend after a football game. We would go to our house. That was always fun memories. Everybody else had kids that we kind of grew up and ran around with. The coaches would come back after stressful games and have a couple of cocktails, like I mean, or beers or whatever, and that was so normal, yeah it was very, very normal and even in my high school career is the same thing.
Speaker 4:My dad coached at the high school from 2001 up until about. He took a year off until 2016 when I graduated, so he was there for 15, 14 years.
Speaker 1:I was there all through Miranda's, all four years of Miranda's and then all four years of hers, but I was there, I think, four years or five years before Miranda even got into high school.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Coaching.
Speaker 4:So, like I said, I mean 2001,. The school opened, you were pretty much there.
Speaker 1:I started in 03.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so, um, up until my senior year of high school that was just normal. All the coaches used to come and bounce around from houses again, and I used to my senior year I would hang out with them for a little bit and then fall asleep and go to work the next morning, like it was just such a normal routine and nothing was ever a red flag then.
Speaker 2:When did you see a red flag?
Speaker 4:Honestly not until the last year of… what?
Speaker 2:When everything was great, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a red flag honestly, not until the last year, of what?
Speaker 2:but I think it's great, right, yeah, no, it was, life was good. Yeah, it was. Yeah, I mean I I was, it wasn't. Now I'm gonna, I'm gonna ask you a question go ahead. Would she be more apt to say and I know she was the last one in the home, but to see the red flags later, since you guys are of a certain type.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I think. I mean you're going to have to. You know she's going to have to answer these questions. I think the red flags started to come up. You know, I would imagine I mean, she may say the same thing probably, I don't know probably towards the end of my IPC years, right before I bought my trucking company and moved on past that she graduated in 16.
Speaker 2:So that's not too far.
Speaker 1:No, it's about the same time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what'd you see?
Speaker 4:Honestly, I think I was so like I was in my early twenties, like when shit started to kind of hit the fan and how does?
Speaker 2:how did it hit the fan?
Speaker 4:Like him progressing in his drinking. Like you know, instead of seeing one case that he was buying per week, he was now buying two. Like you know, just the progression of it. But, like I said, I was so young and so in my 20s and like focusing on pretty much myself and like growing into this person that I wanted to become. I had just graduated beauty school, still trying to figure out what the hell I wanted to do in life and um back and forth in a relationship. So I really unfortunately and this sounds so shitty to say I wasn't really focused on family at that point in my life.
Speaker 1:It's not shitty, you're just being your girl yeah, I was being 20 a thousand percent
Speaker 4:yeah I was definitely just trying to find myself, so I wasn't home a lot. I used to stay with um, you know my ex at the time. We were always together so, like I said, I wasn't really here a lot so I didn't see much and so I really didn't start to pick up on signs, up until the last year of his addiction. That's when Patrick and I were living here and there was some things that would just kind of throw us off a little bit.
Speaker 4:Such as we knew that he would get up early. He was leaving the house before everybody else was pretty much even awake, and so he. When we would get home from work he would be passed out on the couch and you know. But I was like, well fuck, he's just tired. Like I would be tired too if I was getting up that early, driving an hour, working all freaking day and then driving an hour was that drive to las vanas?
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, time.
Speaker 2:Okay, what was the company that you bought with old boy? That is, that after Before.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, that was before.
Speaker 2:This was before, no, no no, the company was before that she's talking about Right. Yeah, Because I'm one, because the hiccup I want to get to I think all the stress and that with buying the company right you, I think all the stress and that with buying the company right Everything, you're throwing all the eggs in that basket. Then it not working out.
Speaker 1:Kind of was. Was that when everything was that when it started going. You know there was a for for me. I mean for when I started feeling the depression really start to come in. Was, was after that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, I was with the, the one company, for almost 15 years and I kind of topped out as far as what I could do. I couldn't really promote, I couldn't really go anywhere. So I was kind of topped out there. I wasn't going to do anything. So I was looking for other options and what to do and when the trucking company that was presented to me, I jumped on it and I thought it was going to be, you know, I thought it was it Right. I mean, I threw it all in and it just didn't work. And you know a lot of it, I think.
Speaker 1:But my drinking was pretty heavy at the time. It was, you know, and I made some very poor decisions with that purchase. You know I there's some looking back on it now as a sober, as sober business person there are a lot of red flags for me that I should have done differently. But then again, you know, hindsight's 2020 always right. So, but when that didn't work and I realized that you know the financial stress that I'd put the family in and this, this, the hole that I had dug, you know, the depression went deeper and I had a parachute to get out of it and when I went to the parachute. It just wasn't what I wanted and my depression got deeper.
Speaker 1:And then I got another deal with you know as being the general manager, which was a title. It really more than anything else, you know and I think I've said that on the on here before you have and you know, the title was more than that. It was to me was everything. So and I and I'd worked hard to deserve it, I really did. I mean, I was offered the position based off of you know, my knowledge and what I'd done. I just, but I at that time I was so deep in my depression that the you know, the drinking subsided for a short period of time, right until I got you know, until I got in a routine of where I was at with with that company, and it was just a period. Then it was just a slippery slope from there.
Speaker 2:Right, it was just a slippery slope so you'd come home seeing passed out, thinking he's just tired yeah then when did that change? Because we're not talking?
Speaker 4:not too long ago, really yeah, I, we just celebrated three years.
Speaker 2:Uh-huh.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so I mean not fresh, but still fresh. At the same time, there's still a lot of memories that hold on too. But yeah, I honestly just thought that he was tired and so we were like, okay, whatever, not thinking much of it, much of it, and um, he would wake up from his nap.
Speaker 1:Grab a tall can hang out with us eat dinner.
Speaker 2:Go to sleep at 8 30 which is if I ate dinner, yeah, yeah that's very true.
Speaker 4:Yeah, um, so that was just like a normal routine how heavy was it this time? Weight wise or drink wise, weight wise it's so when did?
Speaker 2:you go through that little 40 pound about the the last four weeks.
Speaker 4:Yeah. So no, yeah, we hadn't hit that point yet. So that was just like our new normal. And then I started to see a lot of red flags.
Speaker 4:Patrick would make comments to me about, like you know, your dad's doing X, y and Z and I'm like, oh no, like I think, I just didn't want to believe it and I was just like he doesn't have an issue, he doesn't have an issue. And then you know my mom making it more pronounced that there was becoming a bigger issue. And you know we look right here and we have a fridge sitting right here, because this was Patrick and I's old room and that fridge was purchased with a lock on it to hide all of our alcohol. And as soon as we were given that and my mom sat down and said like, look, we're gonna have to figure this out, because if you know big layer leaves, we're all gonna have to come together and figure this stuff out, because my mom was in such a bad place at that moment he goes where just we had talked about removing him from the house.
Speaker 4:Oh, I gotcha, so, so hold on.
Speaker 2:So this, this, with the lock that we've got here for our water, that we use for use for our water.
Speaker 4:This is OG, that was OG. Yeah, no, I swear to God that was purchased for you.
Speaker 2:For us, yeah, so put your liquor in and lock it from Pim.
Speaker 4:Yeah, but look at that dinky ass lock. It didn't work.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm sure we're a resource.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So there's talk about removing him from the situation.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you, patrick, and it was. It was, uh, mckinnon's fiance, by the way. Yes, yeah, and katie, yeah, um, at that point I think my mom had just exhausted every option, um, but again, that was conversations that would be held downstairs that patrick and I did not see. So we genuinely did not know, like, what they were going through as a couple. They sheltered it very well from us, as you know, a married couple should. I don't think it was to the point where we needed to be involved just yet, but when my mom sat down and gave us you know that, you know it became very real. For me.
Speaker 4:But again, like I said, me and my dad are you know, he's my best friend Like I just could not see it. Like my dad does not have a problem, Like he can snap out of it, and I think that's so normal.
Speaker 4:And I've talked to many people like oh they'll get through it, like it, they don't have an issue. So that's what my mentality was. And it was not till we were going somewhere and it was after Christmas and Patrick was actually working with you guys still, and so he was gifted a super nice bottle of whiskey and we actually hid it in our closet. It was like buried. Patrick hated it. It was like gross. He was not a fan of it anyways and so we were getting ready and he was like babe, like I think somebody drank that whiskey, and I was like what? He's like, yeah, that whiskey, like completely gone.
Speaker 2:And I did not drink that. So was the bottle gone or just bottle empty?
Speaker 4:it wasn't empty it was like halfway through and he maybe had like one glass out of it. So I'm like my dad would not come into our room and do that get in the closet. Yes, find some whiskey yes, drink half of it and drink half of it alcoholic would not do that no, like I was being alcoholic, but lar.
Speaker 2:so Well, an alcoholic would, but Larry wouldn't by God.
Speaker 4:Yes, and so I was just holding out that hope, holding out that hope, and Pat was like McKenna, I'm telling you I did not drink this. So we were actually going to dinner with him and I remember it was just I was loading all my stuff up into the truck and I looked did you go into our room and drink that whiskey? Clicked.
Speaker 3:You knew he was lying, I was like oh yeah, it was fucking wild.
Speaker 4:I have never had that tingling feeling of literally his eyes pierced my eyes and he lied to me and I was like holy shit, there is an issue. So fast forward, a couple weeks we had all gotten COVID together. It was a great time.
Speaker 2:So this is 2020?.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, oh, no 21. My mom went to Disneyland, me, my dad and Pat. It was July actually, so July of 21. We had all gotten COVID together and my dad, my grandfather, was actually in the hospital as well with COVID. He's the one who had the lung cancer, so he was kind of struggling a little bit. My dad was very worried which, granted, any kid should be and he was just off his fucking rocker and we had never seen him like this.
Speaker 2:How so.
Speaker 4:He was just like freaking out. He was pacing around the house Like he had restless leg syndrome, like he just like couldn't grasp, like onto real life, like he didn't feel good. None of us felt good, none of us had really good energy. He was worried about, you know, my grandpa and what was going on with him, and nobody was really communicating with him, but they were trying to let him get better. And so, um, we had some b12 shots left over in our fridge and this fucking guy me and patrick was sitting at the countertop eating soup and he was like your sister needs to come and give me this freaking b12 shot. And he was just being very impatient. And so he took this freaking needle and just shoved it into his arm like crazy. And me and pat just looked at each other and we were like holy shit, like this is not the lair bear that we know. So there was just like those instances and those red flags really became where we were like oh my God, like okay.
Speaker 2:Did anybody say anything to him?
Speaker 4:Like you got a fucking problem, oh my mom was about to drive home from Anaheim because we were blowing her up Like he's going mental, like batshit crazy.
Speaker 1:I was in batshit.
Speaker 4:He had downed a bottle of wine too. I remember you telling us that, not that bottle of wine, right?
Speaker 1:I don't remember.
Speaker 4:I mean I no you had said that day it had fucked you up because you had downed a bottle of wine Probably lied yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I mean. But we were just like holy shit, like granted COVID it, granted COVID whatever. He just was not in the right mindset for sure. So that's when we were just like, okay, you know, there is a bigger issue here. And we were at that point we were really sheltering, like while we were here, all of our friends used to come here.
Speaker 4:This was like the house that everybody came and hung out with. You know, my parents loved, they love all of our friends and all of Patrick's boys love my dad so much and they literally talk about all the time. We've been moved out for two and a half years now and they're like we need to go see Larber and I'm like, yeah, go so, but he would, everybody would just come and drink with Larber, like it was just fun and you know the party house. And so we started to limit that a lot more because we were trying to respect my mom and her, trying to shelter him from all the alcohol, not knowing everything he had hidden and everything that he was doing outside of what we knew. So you know, we were trying to take um steps to help my mom rather than help my dad at that point, because there was no longer any more helping him. So I mean, he made that decision so, and at that point I feel like we kind of disrespected it and we tried to help as much as we could.
Speaker 2:But I mean he already had his own path, yeah, so wow, but really, if you think about it, it it was fast. I mean social drinking. Social drinking, you know, then fun. But then the break. You talk about the depression. I've listened to his story as we talk about this. The trucking company that he bought lost, and then you wanted that title, which is something to get some self-respect back in your own mind. And then the burying everything. Yeah, I mean I just, and it just.
Speaker 1:you know that that period of time that she's talking about does anything that she said is that because you oh?
Speaker 2:I remember all that, yeah but there's going to be different, I'm sure no, I remember all that. And then we talked to katie.
Speaker 4:She's oh yeah, just like the gospels there's some shit that we've all seen, that somebody else hasn't either. You know, like miranda didn't live here when we were going through the dark depths of the shit with him. You know and that is no fault of her own, you mean nobody's fault at all you know, like she had her family, she had her life, like, but she definitely was here and saw a lot of the characteristics of him being an alcoholic and she was the first one to be like, look, you know I, this is serious shit. You know we need to figure this out. And we were just like like, I'll be fine, you know, like, but she honestly was the one who pointed out and be like there's something not right. So I have a lot of respect for her. I know that. You know my mom fought and she obviously had seen all the signs did we try to think what it was?
Speaker 2:besides you guys talking and trying to shield him and help katie, did you guys try anything? You know, like hey dad, did you think I mean it? He's?
Speaker 4:so hard I know yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean we had sat down, and I think that he said like, okay, I'm gonna stop, and so him stopping was him stop buying cases of beer. And then he would make it seem like, okay, well, I'm only buying three tall cans a day what you guys saw plus the whiskey, plus you know x, y and z that we had no clue about.
Speaker 4:But we had no clue. You know him coming out of rehab and talking to you know some of our friends and saying like, oh yeah, like I was buying a pint of whiskey and putting it in my coffee and then I would go to work and have a talk and then do x, y and z and then on my way yeah, even me. I hadn't heard that yet and I was like how the fuck are you functioning?
Speaker 2:we are miracles, I would need my stomach pumped out.
Speaker 1:That's crazy you know, but all that's progression right over a period of time. I mean, I started, I started drinking. You know well my, like I said, the gastric bypass in 07 changed my dynamic of how I drink completely right.
Speaker 2:Completely, and we've talked about that Right.
Speaker 1:I mean, I went from drinking occasionally to drinking every day, right, A couple, not like this, right? So when we talk about it being a progressive disease, you know I can go back to July 3rd is when I got July 3rd. 2007 is when I got my gastric bypass. Six months after that, you know, November, or, sorry, January, February, is when I took my first drink of beer with a neighbor across the street and it kind of just went from there I realized it didn't bother me, my stomach was fine, Fuck it, I'm going to. You know I can drink beer now and I'd start drinking with the neighbors and you know it.
Speaker 1:Just, it was just a social thing for such a very long time. You know, and in my industry, I mean, everywhere I go, it's, you know it, it's bar, bar, bar, bar. We'll meet at the bar, We'll meet at the bar, We'll meet at the bar. You know, and that's just the way life was, and it the conferences I would go to and blah, blah, blah. It was just normal life. But you know, in 2016, or, sorry, 2000, probably right around 17, 18, after I'd bought the company, when me and my partner was together, the drinking would escalate. Then for the beer, right, it still wasn't whiskey. I wasn't mixing the whiskey. Then the whiskey didn't start until probably I don't know somewhere around 21,. Right around there about 20.
Speaker 2:July of 2021 is when. Right, it was just before you can handle the beer, you just can't handle your whiskey.
Speaker 1:It was just before COVID, I know that that I was starting to put whiskey into my morning coffee because I couldn't. You know, I just wanted something to settle the nerves and I wasn't even drinking beer. It was just a little whiskey and the coffee on the way, and then it just escalated.
Speaker 2:Just a little whiskey and the coffee I know.
Speaker 1:On the way, just a little whiskey, and the coffee.
Speaker 2:See how we minimize it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it just. And you know, looking back on it now, I can, you know, looking back, you know I can see the escalation it got to where you know where it got. But you know, when I was in that depths of hell that I was living in the depression. You know I was fighting the depression more than I was fighting the alcohol. Does that make sense? I mean I? I mean I was trying to resolve my depression with alcohol, with alcohol. So I didn't really give a shit about the alcohol. I was concerned about my depression that I was so deep into thinking that this alcohol was helping me cope with it when in reality it was making it five times worse.
Speaker 2:So now, mckenna, once you realized, oh shit, lair Bear's got a fucking problem, what did you think of your father? Honestly, worried, I'm fucking problem. What did you think of your father? Honestly, I'm worried, I'm sure, but did you? Because you know most people children think their dad is superman. You know that's yes, and when you see superman's got cracks, would you think your dad then?
Speaker 4:honestly, that was the first time that I ever saw my dad as an actual human being. So, you know, I see my dad as my dad, but I never saw him as the person who had struggles or the person who was a friend. And you know, I I didn't see him that way until we realized that his addiction was so bad and I saw him as a struggling man. That was the first time that I really like rocked me.
Speaker 2:So, how'd you process that?
Speaker 4:Honestly, it took me a while. I didn't really process it until probably when he got home from rehab.
Speaker 2:Yeah it was. So you guys have been in recovery, the whole family really, and that's the way it is is in recovery together. Yeah, at their own pace in the right way.
Speaker 4:And like every day is new I mean even three years later every day is new. I mean, even three years later every day is a new day. We're still learning, like how to cope with, you know, being like him, being sober, like so what's the difference now?
Speaker 4:nothing I mean other than him not fucking having a drink. But I mean, like you know, you think back and I'm like, especially now we're doing all of these like big events and you know we're with people. We were'm like, especially now we're doing all of these like big events and you know we're with people. We were with people this weekend and they're all drinking and you know, I heard somebody say oh yeah, I've been told not to offer your dad a drink. So like that is different. Hearing people like kind of treat him differently is more kind of upsetting to me.
Speaker 2:How, so why?
Speaker 4:I don't know. Like I feel like it's just it's not normal for them, but it's normal for me. So it's like to hear somebody say that like oh yeah, they told me not to offer dad a drink. I'm like, oh fuck, offer him drinks. See what he says. Like I mean good luck. Like I don't know why, as a stigma, and I mean it's not as bad as it used to be, but there still is yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 4:And now, like, being in this three years, I'm sure as a rookie, you know like me, not being around this aspect of our life and being around people who don't drink, I probably would have been the same way, like, oh, you're an alcoholic, I'm not gonna offer you a drink, like, but now that I've been around this for three years, going now going on four, but, um, you know, it's so normal to me so I'm like you're, you're in a fuck. Yeah, like that's awesome. Like you know my dad, like he is, you know it's. It's so rewarding to talk to people because you don't. They always say like you don't know it could happen to you, until it does. And it fucking happened to us. So it literally like took our world up and shook us around and then put us back on. It was like, okay, figure it out. Yeah, so, um, it's like took our world up and shook us around and then put us back on.
Speaker 4:It was like okay figure it out Like a snow globe. Yeah, so it's like one of those magic eight balls Like are you going to be fucked up today?
Speaker 3:You're like yes or no.
Speaker 2:We've got to buy one for FFI Studios.
Speaker 1:They have them, they literally have them. Outlook Right, not print.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Is it going them? They literally have an outlook right. Not, yeah, is it gonna be a shitty day? Is it gonna be a good day? So, and honestly, I think that's like kind of how you have to take. This is just day by day and that's how we did it. Um, I mean, even the first day you know he talks about, when he called pat, we weren't home, we were going to the races when everything went down and he decided to finally go to rehab. Um, we were going out and we were racing in Glen Helen. So I got a phone call first. I believe that day is honestly a blur for me. I believe it was from my dad first.
Speaker 1:I think it was me.
Speaker 4:Yeah, my dad called me and it was so random and I could tell he was crying and he said hey, babe, I may not see you when you get home. I'm going to rehab and so, um, that's pretty much all he said. And then he hung up and so I was a bomb yeah, I was like what the fuck what?
Speaker 2:do you think? I mean, you think I had nothing? No, nothing I was.
Speaker 4:I think I was in such a complete shock because it wasn't talked about at all.
Speaker 2:Like that word really wasn't. It was talked about like behind the scenes, but not.
Speaker 4:Very much so, like it wasn't. We never sat down and said, like dad needs to go to rehab. You know, like Miranda had said like hey, we probably need to figure something out. My mom had said like hey, you know, we were trying to make him take account for his actions before. We were just like, okay, fuck it.
Speaker 4:Like you know, this is what you need to do so but he wasn't, he was being hard-headed, he was too deep into his addiction. That's okay, like we've figured it out. So, um, I remember I think I called my mom next and I was like dude, what the fuck is happening? Like you know, here we are down in Anaheim, like driving up to Glen Helen or down to Glen Helen, and we weren't here to be in this chaos with everybody and be a part of the family and support each other. Um, my sister called me. She kind of gave me the lowdown and God bless my sister because she literally was the rock through that whole situation.
Speaker 4:Um, but she took that fucking bull by the horns and made moves and started to like figure shit out. And, um, she got it done. And I remember her calling me and saying like, hey, we're waiting for Maynard to call us back. They think that they're going to have him a spot on Monday. Can you guys please be home? We're going to go. And so I was like, yeah, absolutely. He tried to call Pat and Pat didn't answer. We've all heard that story. So Pat honestly did not know what to say and that's his story to tell as well.
Speaker 2:Oh, we'll get that one, honestly did not know what to say and that's his story to tell as well.
Speaker 4:Um, yeah, absolutely I think he saw me hurting so bad as to like feeling like fuck, like we failed, like we couldn't support him to get him through this situation in his life. Um, so he was trying to support me as best as he could and I think he was so fucking pissed at my dad and just like fuck, like I wish he could have figured it out. So I know that's again his story and he'll be able to tell it. So we raced, we got that weekend done, we came straight home on Sunday, figured it out and, thank you, monday they weren't able to get us into Maynard's.
Speaker 2:Hold on See how she said that. Yeah, how'd she say it.
Speaker 1:She said that Monday they weren't able to get us into Maynard's. Get us All right, that's family.
Speaker 4:Yeah, absolutely. I mean honestly, from day one. He did the fucking footwork, but it took us all took us all. Like you know us for we call it the core for me, miranda, larry and Katie, like we are the core for it took us, for plus our spouses, plus the grandbabies, to get us to where we are at today, because I think that without all of us and if we walked away from him, he wouldn't be sitting here. So I give praise to everybody because we did it together as a family. So um.
Speaker 2:How do we decide on Maynard?
Speaker 4:I honestly I think Miranda just started pulling strings and she put a driver through there before.
Speaker 1:I knew Maynard because I I ran a driver through there and I told them just call Maynard, I want to go to Maynard. I knew Maynard because I ran a driver through there and I told them just call Maynard's, I want to go to Maynard's. I knew that's where I wanted to go. Yeah, I'd already been, I'd already made I mean, I already made some inquiries up there once before, so it wasn't the first time. This was just my moment of clarity where I was like I'm not going to be able to do this on my own. Yeah, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Thank you, patrick, for not answering the phone that you didn't even know about.
Speaker 4:Yeah, God, he's really good at that. Sometimes he doesn't answer my fucking phone calls either.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's bullshit.
Speaker 1:I know I'm having that, yeah, it was that, yeah, it was that. I mean, you know, if you were ever looking for a sign, I mean it wasn't a sign, it was just me, because at that point I was like I just, you know. Basically, you know, for me, and I've always said this, earning people's respect is by far what drives me. You know, once I get somebody's respect to lose, it is dreadful for me and I couldn't fathom that I'd lost, you know, his respect in that, because I knew I'd already lost my wife's, I knew I'd already lost my daughter's, I knew Eric had kind of which is Miranda's husband, eric had kind of just said whatever. You know, he's kind of lost out on me too.
Speaker 1:And you know, pat was the last one that I would go out and, you know, hang out in the garage with and at least be able to be social with. And when he didn't answer, you know it was just that's it for me. I got to go Right, it was just the last, it was just that last thing and and uh, uh, yeah, I don't know, I didn't realize we're gonna go that deep, but sorry, no, that's it's all right.
Speaker 2:It's all right I've been waiting for this for 50 fucking episodes I know, let me ask you a question, larry, I'm a great listener. Yep, and I remember, except I didn't remember my fucking appointment today at 5 30 for dinner. Anyway, you've always said that you don't know how people that would get to the depths that we did could just come into the rooms and do it without treatment. Now try to imagine people that do that, but without this. But I had the same thing you did.
Speaker 1:The support system. I'm always impressed with people you know, especially single people that come in, people without kids, people that are. You know that's easier. Well, I, I don't. I. I think I'm impressed. The reason why I say I'm impressed is because if I didn't have anybody, I'd have just fucking drank until I was dead. I wasn't in no hurry to get sober, but at that point I hadn't lost anything. I hadn't lost my job, I hadn't lost my license, I hadn't gotten a DUI.
Speaker 2:Just a self-respect of the respect of the family.
Speaker 1:I just lost the respect of what I pretty much ousted my entire family. I didn't have anything left under this roof that was supporting me. You know, I mean I was like I said a job was fine, I was doing great, I licensed and I hadn't done anything wrong. In the eyes of employment, right, but in the eyes of you know, people ask me. I just had this conversation with somebody the other day. They said, well, everything looked fine. I said, well, you didn't go home with me, right?
Speaker 2:You weren't in the truck with me, right, so?
Speaker 3:now she.
Speaker 2:I don't talk to you. She's much prettier. So now she takes off to rehab. So he's for 28 days. You don't have him. That's good, right? You're thinking he's getting better. What are you thinking as he's going through the year hoping he's? What do you expect to come home? Do you expect anything? Are you just?
Speaker 4:no, let's just see what happens so honestly, I mean I think it goes back to two, like when we were driving up to drop him off, we did the core four all four dropped him off, core four yeah, core four went up, um, that was, I tell people. All the time I felt like I was dropping him off at jail, like it was such a weird feeling, um, but almost kind of like a joyous feeling at the same time.
Speaker 4:Um, we knew some kind of hope yeah, and kept our fingers toes anything crossed, that he was gonna come home and be completely different, friend, dad, spouse. Like you know, we just hoped, um, I'll never forget. We walked around a little bit and kind of saw they put this, put us in this trailer, that little trailer that's kind of off to the side, and uh, they came in and kind of explained on how it worked when overpayment and yada, yada and um, and then they prayed with us and literally like as we all sat there, we wept as a family and it was the first time in a while that it felt like we were one again and I'll never forget that feeling. And when we had to say goodbye to him, we were out in the parking lot and he just held on to my sister and I and wet and we stepped back and he grabbed my mom and wet like a wet I've never seen and I knew then he was going to come home, a different man.
Speaker 3:so, as much as it sounds so weird, that is such a freaking memory for me Because we were saying goodbye to a Larry that we never wanted to see again.
Speaker 4:So I'll forever hold on to that as one of my most favorite memories. And that's again weird, no it's not.
Speaker 2:That has impact. That's amazing. Do you remember who was praying with you? It was Marty.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Marty, I love Maynards.
Speaker 4:I'll never forget either too. I mean, we watched him again. He was like walking into jail, like head held low, walking in, and we watched him walk in and my sister drove us home and oh man, Miranda's driving kind of scares me. But I'll never forget when we got in the car, us three, you know, miranda and I just held my mom and let her do her thing, and we knew that when we drove away, the next time we were going to be back there, it was going to be completely different. Unfortunately, I didn't go up to pick him up.
Speaker 2:So no one came. Did they allow visitation?
Speaker 4:No.
Speaker 2:Yeah they still had that closed down.
Speaker 4:And that was the hardest thing too.
Speaker 2:But maybe that was a good thing though.
Speaker 4:I don't think that he would have had the outcome that he did if we were allowed to, Because I know for a fact that if we took my mom up there he would have said break me out of this bitch, Like I'm going home, so with not my wife stayed away the first Sunday.
Speaker 2:Well, the first Sunday I had a coworker come visit me, but my wife and the kids didn't come up the first Sunday. They came up the second Sunday.
Speaker 4:Yeah. She says, when she came up that she came up, that's when she realized that I had a problem, because the swelling was gone, my eyes were white instead of yellow, yeah, and the shine was gone, yeah, um, so when he came home, completely different person.
Speaker 4:How so crazy the swelling, he was not swollen. Yeah, he was so swollen and I didn't realize it until he came home and even like looking at pictures like before he went and kind of still when he came home I was like holy fuck, like he went, really swollen. But I think my biggest worry was before he left, he had gotten the diagnosis of like his kidneys were barely functioning, like all of that shit, and he was like tasting metal, like everything he was eating like you couldn't eat because it all just tasted like shit to him. So we always say that when we go out to a food place and we don't like it, oh, oh.
Speaker 3:it's just like shit, Cause that's all he used to say all the time.
Speaker 1:Towards the end, yeah, towards the end. It was just my, my everything was just creating acid, just just everything was just kicking back. I had the liver was shutting down. It was just in a bad, bad way and I wasn't, yeah, I couldn't eat. I lost bad, bad way and I wasn't, yeah, I couldn't eat. I lost, like I said, 45 pounds in the last three weeks. But I mean, it's funny that mckinnon said I was bloated. I, I don't remember the bloated. I remember my pants falling off, that I couldn't even fit in my pants your face?
Speaker 4:no, it's probably my face, yeah you look like you got stung yeah, and you're swollen and shiny, but even like your tummy, like it was rounded. Like that's like even looking at you now, even when you came home from rehab like you did not look like that.
Speaker 2:So what was he like? Like the first couple of days, the first weeks. What was he like? So, what was your first? What was your guys' first when you, when you, when he got home from rehab? What was your guys' first conversation, his first when you, when you, when he got over we?
Speaker 4:have boy boys, your has his first conversation.
Speaker 2:What was your first interaction? What was that? I don't even remember, I don't either I remember yeah so while he was away.
Speaker 4:I'll kind of go back to that. Um, we couldn't see him, so we would write him letters. Um, he would write us, and then we would get phone calls and I I think I maybe got a couple phone calls out of that, which was fine, but he would call and check into my mom and then, you know, we would get that. I knew exactly what that phone number was. It would pop up. I'm like oh my God, it's my dad.
Speaker 3:You know like it was so exciting.
Speaker 2:From jail.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 4:But circling back to, I'll never forget walking in and, granted, I didn't know, you know this life of living with an alcoholic parent or an alcoholic person in your life. So I'll never forget. I had to take a couple days off of work when we were taking him in, because we didn't end up taking him in till that wednesday oh, it's tuesday, it was a tuesday okay, so tuesday.
Speaker 4:So I took monday, tuesday off, went back wednesday um, I'll never forget sitting in my boss's office because she pulled me up and she just wanted to make sure I was okay. I mean, she kind of knew what was going on and I just kept apologizing. She was like don't apologize, like. And I was like no, like I'm genuinely embarrassed. And she was like why are you embarrassed? Like this is normal. And now that I look back on that and see how far he's come, I that was such a selfish thing of me to say because I was just thinking about me at the time, like I'm embarrassed of what you think of me. And now I've grown up and realized that I don't give a shit about what people think about me. But she sat there and opened up and said my dad's six years sober, like I have walked your shoes, like if you ever need anything, not cool come and talk to me.
Speaker 4:And it's so crazy to me, especially now because now posting your guys's podcast on my stories, I've had multiple people reach out to me and say, hey, my mom or my cousin or my boyfriend it's touched everybody, right.
Speaker 2:holy shit, yeah, like sometimes not somewhere we don't, sometimes we don't. Most of them, a lot of them that don't share, they don't share, they don't have this, they have the other story. Yeah.
Speaker 4:And so I mean now I'm proudly I talk about it Like man fuck, yeah, my dad's sober. It's an awesome feeling. So now going back, but yeah, so we were writing him letters, whatever the first time that he came home. Or when he came home, my mom went up and got in. I believe uncle philip too. Yeah, I was uh, my brother and sister and my and katie yeah, yeah, which that kind of core for back on that too, I mean his siblings plus his wife like that's huge it was, uh, like I said, I didn't expect.
Speaker 1:I kind of expected my sister to be there, and and because I had talked to.
Speaker 2:I had talked to the first person that when you came out.
Speaker 1:Brother was your brother yeah and you broke.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I can always get him yeah, um that's good, though, baby yeah, so, um, I remember getting a picture of him picking up Cain from school, and that's the day that he came home from camping. We call it his camping trip.
Speaker 2:That's what you call Maynards.
Speaker 4:Yeah, his camping trip.
Speaker 2:That's what they told my grandson the grandbabies.
Speaker 4:Yeah, the grandbabies thought that Papa was camping.
Speaker 1:By himself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Selfish Papa.
Speaker 4:He has camping friends. Yeah, we have camping friends.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:Selfish.
Speaker 3:Papa, he has camping friends. We have camping friends. I'm one of them. Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 4:So Papa came home from his camping trip and he picked up Cain and my mom sent all the pictures and the videos and I think that it was just like holy shit and I'll never forget I had texted Patrick on my way home and I listened to worship music the whole way home. I had so much anxiety. I honestly felt like I was driving to my first job interview Like I didn't know what I was going to walk into, I didn't know who he was going to be Like. I just I was genuinely like I just didn't know.
Speaker 4:And so I mean, obviously he freaking wrapped me up in a big little hug like normal and I'm sure we cried, but I just kind of felt like we fell back into life. You know, like there was obviously some changes. Like we didn't keep a lot of alcohol in the house and that was just out of the respect for him. Me and Patrick collectively made that decision and he used to get so mad at us and he was just like don't fucking alter your lives, because I'm an alcoholic, like you didn't do that to yourself, right?
Speaker 1:so we were like, okay, I mean I was from the beginning, yeah, from the very beginning the bat.
Speaker 4:He was like don't alter your life. Yeah, that monday, like boom gone and just from there on out, like he just took the bull by the horns and ran with it and um, the first year it probably didn't go by fast for you, but I feel like we turned that corner and it was like boom one year sober, like that was such an accomplishment and actually the first year that did you see a big difference when he met the greatest sponsor in the world, jesus?
Speaker 2:I'm around three and life, just life got great this show's about me.
Speaker 1:Rob Shut up.
Speaker 4:I need to get him like a gold fucking star so he can just keep like shining. You know number one, yeah, so Aaron keeps me humble. Yeah, so the first year that we celebrated, I actually wrote a letter to the big book.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 4:Yeah, did we read that here.
Speaker 1:We have not we read it somewhere though.
Speaker 2:We read it. I read it at a no. We read it to the Monday Night Group when we were at Brad's house Right. We all cried. That was amazing. We got to get that and, larry, you sent it in to.
Speaker 1:I sent it in to the grapevine. I don't think it ever. God dang it. I wish I should have brought it out here and read it right now yeah, um, we'll give it.
Speaker 2:I get to read it though. Okay, no, because you won't get through it. It was great, though hold on yeah grab it, hold on, pause this thing, we got time he's meh okay, so we're going where do we leave off at?
Speaker 1:well, we were talking about the letter and we said let's let's read it, so I stopped it, so we can find it Now. Read it yeah.
Speaker 4:Okay, so I was just telling Rob, I actually ended up starting this while you were in rehab.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 4:And just kind of worked on it here and there and then when I knew that obviously your year was coming closer, I ended up finishing it and was able to give it to you on. Your one year anniversary was coming closer. I ended up finishing it and was able to give it to you on your one year anniversary and, um, I've made it a tradition. I actually owe you a balloon for this year, but as a tradition I get a big star balloon and I put like one year down, two year down, three year down, so I need to get that for you a little bit late but yeah, I'm gonna get back to drinking hurry up with that one so, um, but yeah, just trying to keep a good tradition.
Speaker 3:It's like a fucking birthday candle you know like this is just important yes, very, very important.
Speaker 4:So, um, this is. I wrote a letter to the, to the big book, and um, it says dear big book, if you type your name into a google search bar, the big book, it will give an overview of what your purpose is. It states Alcohol Anonymous the story of how more than 100 men and women have recovered from alcoholism is a 1939 basic text and that's in bold and underlined, describing how to successfully recover from alcoholism. As I read that text, I can't help but refer back to how the words basic text. These two words seem so nonchalant to me as I over that text. I can't help but refer back to how the words basic text. These two words seem so nonchalant to me as I overthink it. I can't help but wonder if anyone else has chuckled at that bold statement Google has attached to you.
Speaker 4:The overview of what text lies within you should have a whole lot more credit than what. Google has to say yes, you have helped hundreds and thousands of women, men and women around the world to recover from alcoholism, but you have also given hope back into broken families, parents back to their children, a child back to their parents and a friend back to people who love them. There is so much more that you do that it goes unrecognized. April 12th, a day that will forever be etched into my family's minds.
Speaker 4:This day to me seems like you handpicked my family to practice and spread your word. It's like when people say God handpicked you. I think he did just that. He knew our family, what our family needed at that moment in time and gave my father the strength to finally meet you. I'm sure it was a rocky meeting. There was probably some disbelief, doubt and maybe some harsh words flowing around, but just like any good and healthy relationship, you two worked it out. He poured his heart and trust into you for you to walk him through the hardest times in his life. And you did just that Giving words of encouragement, forgiving statements and powerful scriptures. You got him past his first 30 days. This wasn't a very expensive 30-day free trial.
Speaker 4:May 10th was a new start for my dad and for those who loved him. I will always remember driving home from work, crying and screaming worship music. There was this aching pit in my stomach that I couldn't tell if it was like driving to an interview with butterflies in my stomach or getting pulled over by a CHP for going 90 in a 35. It was just there, very present, and reminded me every second until I pulled into that driveway. The life of my dad, two sheets to the wind, living amongst us in the same exact house became a faint memory. I was now walking into the future, a future where we had no plans, no end goal. We just knew we had work to do to make this house a home again. And you were right there, right next to the soft tan colored lazy boy chair. You were right there every step of the way. Days passed, then weeks and then months, and you were right there every step of the way. Days passed, then weeks and then months, and you were still there. You were now gaining a new persona. Notes written on your pages for better understanding, posted notes on what he felt was important. Hell, you even got a nice new cover. It was no ordinary book cover. It was a nice leather cover with a space to hold your currency and the serenity prayer.
Speaker 4:You may wonder what I mean by currency, because that is not what the chips are referred to. I use this term because that's what I like to think of birthday coins, as it's like working for your first job and getting that first paycheck. The excitement of reaching that milestone in your life has all become so worth it when you go and cash that first check-in. I like to think that. Think it is the same when your brothers and sisters get their birthday coins. They spend minutes, hours, days, weeks and months to get to their next chapter and they are awarded with their paycheck A colored coin that represents their hard work and dedication for X amount of time, just like a job. You work a little harder and you get promoted or you get your next trip.
Speaker 4:It's an accomplishment that is so rewarding to most. You are proud when you get that raise or a promotion, but by God, nothing is better than watching someone get their next currency at an AA meeting. The pride that overcomes your brothers and sisters as they stand up in front of their peers that have pushed and helped them along the way and say I am so-and-so and I am an alcoholic, as they raise their month slash year chip high in the air for all to see. That is an overwhelming emotion that takes a toll on an outsider like me. Hell, I don't even know half the men and women that sit in meetings along my father, but they will forever be family and I am damn proud of them.
Speaker 4:Most kids growing up look at their dads as if they are superheroes, but as you grow up you realize that superheroes are just fantasies and that they are just like me or anyone else, normal human beings who struggle like with everyday life and can't revert time and do all the do-overs. Some struggle more than most, and that's okay. We're human. There is one thing in life that I wish I taught myself sooner is that I can't fix everything and everyone. Again, I am only human. It has been my biggest struggle throughout my teenage to adult years I'm a fixture.
Speaker 4:My way or the highway sounds like larry shepherd huh and we were gonna get through whatever, uh, life has thrown our way. The trend carried into relationships, friendships, work and. But in 2020, I found a broken person that I couldn't fix at that time. It was my turn to hit the highway, learn to live my life with a broken person so close to me but yet so far away mentally. I had no clue that this person would one day turn into my real life superhero, teaching me many lessons on how to let go and let God to believe in myself and push me to reach goals and go further in life.
Speaker 4:He was a breath of fresh air and a light at the end of the tunnel for my family and I all because of you. He's a 6'3, blonde hair, blue-eyed oaky from Waterford that I am so proud to call my father. Some say he even has a bionic hip pretty creepy, but he now became Mr Fix-It, the sober superhero who saved his own life and mended his family. Not many superheroes can say that they have saved themselves, so that's pretty badass to me. Now, with his cape of sobriety flying in the wind behind him, he worked through your steps and became the man we all know and loved. Again, he persevered through hardships and overcame many trials but he did it. He proved to those who doubted his ability to stay strong wrong and showed the mind power he had over his disease.
Speaker 4:Like I said, a superhero over his disease. Like I said, a superhero. Obviously you know him as well as I do, so I like to think that his cape is made out of melted boxes and Kettle Chip original bags Very noisy and well-deserved. If anybody knows Big Claire, he loves Kettle One Chips, so big buck. I'd like to say thank you. Thank you for coming into my father's life and welcoming him with your pages wide open, determined to help a broken family become whole again. You pushed through his stubborn head, I'd say you left an outstanding impression on his first 30-day free trial that he ended up becoming a lifetime member to your word, encouraging my dad to have the strength to help spread your passages and open up the community of brothers and sisters that trust in you. You are now a part of yet another family that has devoted their lives to your word, to trust that you will keep my father around to see his grandbabies grow up and grow old with the love of his life.
Speaker 4:We owe it all to you for giving us our father, friend, son and husband back. We will never be able to thank you enough. Here is your official welcome to the Shepherd family, your sister McKenna Mae.
Speaker 2:That's good yeah.
Speaker 4:Honestly, I haven't read it in so long I forgot too.
Speaker 2:How did that make you feel, seeing that again? Proud, you did so proud and I'm open and I got the big book open to the family after just to pay one of my favorite pages. What am I going to read? I got it, don't? I got highlights.
Speaker 3:It's all your poor book.
Speaker 2:No, but a big book that's falling apart. It says since the home has suffered more than anything else. It is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. That should take you to page 19, doesn't it? That reminds?
Speaker 1:you of page 19, doesn't it? No, yes, it does. I have no idea what you're talking about, top of page 19.
Speaker 2:We feel that elimination of drinking is but a beginning. Top of page 19. We feel that elimination of drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs, which means God didn't get us sober just because we didn't have anything.
Speaker 1:I learned that so early into the rehab. People have heard me say that multiple times. You know I and I don't encourage this and I don't say it's a good thing but I knew from the very you know I, you did a meeting every day for three years. Other people do 90 and 90, you know it's. I knew early on after about two months of, you know, hardcore meetings and meetings and meetings. I needed my wife and I needed my kids and I needed my family. Right, I had to find the balance.
Speaker 2:And that's different for everybody.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And you found yours.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I, you know, I couldn't, uh, god damn it. Um, I couldn't do it every day, you know, because it would have. You know, we've heard brand do do it every day, I do, you know. I remember listen, when Brandon was on here, you know, 90 days he decided to stay in rehab, you know, and he, he created, you know, resentment to it for 60 or 60.
Speaker 1:Right and he created resentment. Well, I didn't, you know, I, I I got to a point where I didn't want to go to a meeting, no more, I just didn't want to go and I hated that. I didn't like that because when I sat down at the meetings I loved them, but I also was missing, katie. I was missing my family. I was missing that and it's the reason why I got sober, you know. I got sober to have a relationship with my wife, you know, and my kids, and I needed that to bolster my, my sobriety. I needed that balance of family and AA. And now I have family, aa and work, because I'm able to balance all three and maintain a very happy and serene life. Sometimes I allow the balance to go over one way and I have to self-correct and I say this Happens all the time.
Speaker 1:You and I talk about it all the time, rob, I see you leaning one direction.
Speaker 2:It's always the same fucking direction, though. Always the same direction that I lean Right, but I appreciate it. I got brothers to bring me back. Rob Right, go do something for your wife.
Speaker 4:Do something for yourself, quit yeah.
Speaker 1:And I knew this podcast was going to be hard to hear For me it was hard. I'm glad. It was fucking great for you and, by the way, mary does not have a cold. I know he's been over there.
Speaker 1:The whole time you know why it's hard for me to hear the pain that my family went through, that you caused that, correct? Yeah, it's hard for me to hear that and I get mad at myself for it, but in the same time I know that that's not me. That's not me, that's not who I am. It is what it is. You know we talk about the living amends and this is all a part of it. Right Is recognizing those pains that I cause and continually trying to strive and do better every day. So that pain subsides in not just me but in my family. Right that? That pain that I caused my wife, the pain that I caused my daughters, the pains that I caused let me, let me ask mckinnon is the pain, the pain that he caused, what he did?
Speaker 4:is it worth it now, seeing that the man you got oh, absolutely there you go and honestly like I think that's what makes it worth it? Oh yeah, because we do something about right, yeah too, like as he gets so emotional, as you know listening to hear this big book, absolutely, but I think it's also him being very proud of us as his girls to see how far that we have come, and I know that a thousand percent All the time, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:So I mean like obviously that's a little bit harder for him to speak up about and you know he's not going to be the first to be like I'm so proud of you guys, like you guys Bullshit. No.
Speaker 1:Bullshit.
Speaker 4:We fucking know. We know, we know, we definitely know, we know.
Speaker 1:I make sure to tell you guys how proud I am.
Speaker 4:Absolutely, but I think that that plays a lot into your emotions. Is you are so proud of us, just as we're so proud? Of you, so I mean, I think it's a two-way street here, obviously, so we've watched you walk your wash. Oh my gosh, work your ass off, as you've seen us work our asses off to get to that mending place too, for sure, yeah, and it's, it was a, it gets better as it goes on yeah absolutely.
Speaker 1:And here's the thing, and I want to remind everybody that's listening this was not. Obviously, I wanted McKenna to be able to come on, miranda's going to come on and I think Katie's going to come on. Now my nose is just all stuffed up and this is what we need, people. No, maybe let's talk afterwards. It's never too late and I think that you know people need to hear this, to understand that these things are real. This is how families heal. This is what families went through. This is you know. I'm using my family to hopefully help somebody else.
Speaker 2:But this is healing. This is healing this once again, again.
Speaker 1:This is good for us, right, but we're using us to help many other people that I pray can, can mend from this right if somebody is going through watching, know that there's light.
Speaker 2:There can be light, there can there.
Speaker 1:can you know, we the couple things that we talked about yesterday, we we were reading the wives in the big book and I don't hate everything about that, the way it's that chapter. There's certain things in there that remind us right, there's some nuggets.
Speaker 1:There's some nuggets in there that remind us of the pain that we caused the wives at home In that chapter. When it's talking about the pains of the wives, that hits home. What doesn't hit home is when they try to give the alcoholic a pass in that book, right, because that and that chapter. But when they're talking about the wives and they're talking about the children and they're talking about that, you know, when they're talking about the wives and they're talking about the children and they're talking about that. I think my biggest, once again, didn't lose my job. Never lost my driver's license. I lost my family and that was, and that was by far the worst thing that I could have lost, right, and uh, I think losing my job would have mama would have been gone.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I mean, shit would have went a lot differently, but I don't know though, because I think that you were so far deep into your shit. I think it, if we ever had to cross that road you were so just kind of like, yeah, fuck it, you know, like you at the end I think that if you lost your job, or if you got pulled over and got a DRI, you're just like ah, fuck it, like, we'll figure it out, like. And then it's moving along. I don't think it would have been a reality check.
Speaker 3:No, I was. I was so far deep into my depression and my drinking.
Speaker 1:I really, you know, I was looking for a place to die, I was looking for a hole to go in, I was looking for some way to check out a reality, and that's what I was doing every day. And you know, thank God, amen, every day, thank God, yeah, that you know I got the awakening that I got before something drastic did happen. Yeah, and I truly believe it wasn't far away.
Speaker 1:I truly believe it wasn't, and I truly believe it's still there. Your body was already failing, my body was failing, but I truly believe that something was about to fail. Looking back, looking on the speed of stuff starting to collapse around me the little stuff, the little stuff, the big stuff wasn't far behind. And I, like I said, I praise God that he woke me up and gave me my my, my moment of clarity when I needed it. And you know, and I say this, that I looked over the edge of that sidewalk at that moment and I had to make a decision of do I go back to my family or do I just keep on this path? Right, and thank God that he gave me the ability to turn around, look at my family and say, no, I choose my family right, because I would have died. There is no doubt, no doubt I would have died and missed all this.
Speaker 2:No doubt I would have died and missed all this one drink away.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, you could have missed all this now I get the privilege to watch me to walk mckenna down the aisle. You know, I got to walk miranda down. I get to walk mckenna down the aisle. I get to watch my grandbabies. I get to. You know, once again, not about me. It's just this is the healing that comes.
Speaker 2:It's about the things that we get from doing this work.
Speaker 1:And that's what I wanted to make sure, and come back around to.
Speaker 2:It's about.
Speaker 1:SRAA. It's about what happened.
Speaker 2:I hope I get to do that one day. Right, not anytime soon, emily, but I will get to do that.
Speaker 1:You know, it's just what we, we, it's just the joy. You know these, the joy that comes out of the pain, I guess is is it comes out of the work.
Speaker 2:Because what do we think? Oh man, how am I gonna have any more? How am I gonna have fun? Right, what am I gonna deal that kind of thing? I've never had more fun in my life than the last 14 years of sobriety doing stuff.
Speaker 4:I mean amazing times yeah, I wouldn't train him for anything I can honestly say that lair bear is actually a lot funner sober than he is a drunk there you go dude, he's a funny guy, you know like, yeah, he was funny when he was drunk but he would say stupid shit and we'd just like where the fuck did that come from? But now he's like tinkers asshole but he makes good fucking jokes and you're like where the fuck did that come from? But now he's like, yeah, he's asshole but he makes good fucking jokes and you're like where the fuck did that come from?
Speaker 1:You're actually funny, Sarcastic and I enjoy it, you know, you know, but I was never, you know, I've never, ever been that like giggly, laughy kind of guy. I'm a very serious individual, Unfortunately. That's just how. That's how I roll.
Speaker 2:We don't let him be serious. Brad doesn't let you, he doesn't but unfortunately I am Right.
Speaker 1:I mean, I'm very, I'm a very. I think constantly about what I need to do next. Right, I constantly think about that and I pray about that. Right, I pray about that because it's not what I want. I, you know, I want to find a hobby. I want to do the things that joy. I want it. I don't want to continue to live like this at 55 years old. In just a few days, I want to be able to.
Speaker 1:This is what gives me joy. You know what gives you. You know, if you ask somebody what gives you joy, working with another alcoholic and that's what it does that gives me joy is working with another alcohol. Doing this podcast gives me extreme joy, right, Reading the stuff about podcasts and knowing how I can reach out to people in a different way, and you know that's what gives me joy. Right, my joy is so inward right that when McKenna says I'm fun and I'm sarcastic and I love that, I thank you for that compliment. I don't see it. I think I'm just being a dick, quite honestly but, it comes off funny, I guess.
Speaker 1:I'm a little, you know, I'm a little blunt.
Speaker 2:That bluntness, oh God, yes.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to give it if I'm not willing to. You know, if I'm not willing to receive it, I ain't going to give it. Standing in line at Disneyland. This was so funny. We're standing in line at Disneyland. I such a hard time because there was a girl in front of me and she was probably four foot two, four foot three at most.
Speaker 1:Well, tammy was a giant to her and she wasn't a little person. She had full, big person features. She wasn't a short, just super, super short. And literally standing right behind us was a girl that was probably six, two, probably close to the same age. I wanted so bad to go first. A little girl, I wanted to go. Did you check your measurements to make sure you're big enough for this ride? She was probably 26 or 27 years old. I wanted so bad to say that. And then I wanted those two to stand next to each other so I could take a picture.
Speaker 1:I wanted to take a picture, so bad I had to bite my tongue. But that's fun shit to me, man. I wanted it so bad, but you know I had to bite my tongue. That shit's funny to me. Anyways, there's a little bit of my quirkiness, I guess. Anyways, mckenna, I appreciate you being honest and open. You are a joy to me and your mother, um, so is Miranda. I mean, you know the the. We are so blessed, my wife and I, that the two daughters that we have just are amazing human beings, that they just know how to handle life.
Speaker 1:It doesn't happen by accident On life's terms and they take care of shit. One of my biggest concerns, as always, is I don't want my disease to flow downwards, right, so I'm very it happens, right. We we deal with it all the time. We see people get excited when their kids come into the program and sit next to him.
Speaker 2:It's like they're not dead right.
Speaker 1:So I don't ever want my kids to even have to go down that road, because if they go down, it's not the alcohol I'm worried about, it's everything else that comes along with it, it's the depression, it's, you know, and I worry about that and I watch it and I just you know, I think, grateful that there is a place they can go.
Speaker 1:Right and I think that I keep very wide open to my, to my kids and to my family and, quite honestly, I'm wide open to anybody that wants to talk about it, about the signs and the help you know on it. And I'm just going to wrap this up by saying you know, if you want to reach out to McKenna, if you're your, your daughter, your son, anything like that, you can become recovery on filter podcast at gmailcom. I will get you in contact with McKenna. And I mean, you know, if you're your dad, your mother, your sister, your anything is struggling, don't be afraid to reach out. There's ways that you can reach them to get them help Right. There is always that way and you know if not, you plant a seed.
Speaker 4:Yeah, something down the road, something given my dad's phone number out countless times, I didn't even ask him, honestly so it's just a random ass number is like do it yeah, I mean, and it's not even like I said, it's so crazy to me the people who have reached out and been like you know, after I post you guys on my story or something like that, and they're like like holy shit, like this is awesome, like my so-and-so, or this person I know is like struggling, like oh, here's their best number. Call him, like, reach out to him. You know, here's the podcast.
Speaker 2:Like one out of 10 calls but yeah, you know, I've had them.
Speaker 4:But the seeds been planted and I had nobody really to talk to when we were walking this journey either.
Speaker 4:So if I could be that person for somebody just as you are for other people as well, that gives me a purpose in life, because I knew what that struggle felt like, and being hopeless and not really having anybody to turn to is a very, very lonely feeling. I'm very lucky that we lived here at that time with my mom and I'm sure she went through her emotions. But to be able to lean on somebody like her, I didn't even think about that as well as yeah, and having them here with katie and katie not be alone going through that she was. You know, katie had a god thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was very katie had a lot of support from and she'll talk about this she had a lot of support from my cousin's wife and from her cousins that live in la. She had a ton of support from my cousin's wife and from her cousins that live in LA. She had a ton of support.
Speaker 4:Oh my gosh, Her phone was ding ding ding ding Like yeah, she was, she was.
Speaker 1:She was well loved by a lot of people.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I mean it doesn't replace her husband. You know it doesn't. I would hope it doesn't, but I mean she did she. She'll probably talk about that when she gets out here, so anyways. So recoveryunfilteredpodcasts at gmailcom. Mckenna, you want to anything else?
Speaker 4:No, I mean, this is amazing. I've had, like I said, I've had so many people reach out to me and be like this is freaking awesome. So I'm super proud of you guys. You guys have come a long way with this thing. So number 50 right here, baby.
Speaker 1:Two more. That's what's so amazing. Is that, rob, like I said, I love you so much because we were supposed to record this coming Sunday but my wife Katie goes. It's Father's Day. I'm like okay. So I told you last night at the meeting. I'm like, dude, we got to record tomorrow and he's like, all right, just tell me what time.
Speaker 2:And it's it's been, and I forgot all about my commitment. That's all right, I'll make it up to you.
Speaker 1:So and I appreciate you, I appreciate that. So, anyways, we're coming up on our one year. This is number 50.
Speaker 2:Baby, come back go sit on the toilet and meditate thank you for joining us today.
Speaker 1:We hope you learned something today that will help you If you did not come back next week and we'll try again If you like what we heard, give us a five-star review.
Speaker 2:If you don't like what you heard, kiss my ass. I can't say that, can you? Anyway, if you don't like what you heard, go ahead and tell us that too. We'll see what we can improve. We probably won't change nothing, but do it anyway. We'll see what we can improve.
Speaker 1:We probably won't change nothing, but do it anyway. Hey, thanks, rob. Come back next week and hopefully something will be different and something will sink in. Take care, this has been Recovery, unfiltered you.