Recovery Unfiltered
Taking recovery discussion to a different level. Bringing comedy and the lighter side of sober living along with educating non-alcoholics and alcoholics. Hear real stories unfiltered.
Recovery Unfiltered
The Valley We Had to Walk Through Together Changed Everything
Larry and his daughter Maranda explore her perspective on his alcoholism and recovery journey, creating a powerful conversation about family healing, forgiveness, and moving forward together.
• Maranda shares childhood memories of her father as a church deacon with an "open door" home for those in need
• Larry's first drink came after gastric bypass surgery in 2007, setting the stage for his later addiction
• The family noticed Larry's drinking worsening around 2014-2015 when Maranda was having her first child
• A series of traumatic events including their dog drowning and family tensions escalated Larry's drinking
• Maranda reveals the pain of hearing her father blame his drinking on her and her husband's past struggles
• Larry had no memory of making this hurtful statement, highlighting how addiction creates wounds we don't recall
• Larry entered rehab in April 2022 after his "moment of clarity" when he ceased fighting and surrendered
• Recovery strengthened both Larry and Maranda's faith, creating healing and new family dynamics
• The conversation ends with mutual expressions of love and forgiveness, showing the ongoing nature of healing
If you're struggling with addiction or supporting someone who is, remember that recovery is possible. Reach out to others, attend meetings, and know that your journey affects everyone around you—both in addiction and in recovery.
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Dear Lord, I just ask that you put your hand on us right now, lord, I just pray that you give us open hearts, open ears and open minds to take in everything that we all have to say. Lord, and I pray that you just walk with us and you take this mountain that feels so high and so daunting to climb and that you just make it a valley. You make it a valley that we can walk through and bring openness and light at the end of it, because you are light, lord, and you bring that into our life, and I just look forward to the things that this is going to do in our life and do in my dad and I's relationship and I thank Rob for being a catalyst for that and I just pray that you walk with us through this time In your name, amen.
Speaker 2:Amen, amen. Let's go to work. You sit on the toilet, don't you Use that as your meditation?
Speaker 3:Not my wife, not your wife, nor anybody listening to this podcast has eaten a shit sandwich we didn't have a hand in making.
Speaker 2:Welcome to recovery. I'm Filder, I'm Larry, I'm an alcoholic.
Speaker 3:I am Rob. I am also an alcoholic. We are not professionals. There are no letters after our names. We know very little. However, you will hear the word God and a four-letter word in the same sentence. You will also be offended. So if you are easily offended, just pass us by this podcast.
Speaker 2:Our opinions are just that. If you don't agree with what we're saying, that's okay. We sit back, grab a beverage of your what Sick of it.
Speaker 3:We just I mean, and here's and I agree, that's what I was getting to we just had a beautiful, heartfelt prayer.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 3:And followed by sitting on a toilet with shit sandwiches. We've got to do something.
Speaker 2:After the one year.
Speaker 3:We've got to come up with something.
Speaker 2:We're getting close to the one year today and I I'm not gonna promise, but I do want another one. Yeah, before we start season, before we start year number two, I, I'm I promise, we'll do something. We may just not do anything, just go straight to talking no, you need something hey that, that voice is my girl you gotta have a hook.
Speaker 3:You gotta have kind of a hook.
Speaker 2:I know we get something. I'll start walking through some stuff, but anyways, hey. So this morning I went pulled into the Saturday morning meeting and there wasn't one car in the entire parking lot and I'm like shit. I had to look at my phone. It is Saturday, right, I didn't miss anything and I texted everybody. It's Freedom Weekend, but that's all right. You know what? One of the? I got to see mikey this morning. I hadn't seen mikey in about a month, so it was great to see him. There was only six of us in there for that perfect meeting.
Speaker 3:It was good it was great.
Speaker 2:You know what and I said this in the meeting today I don't get to a lot of meetings. I do two very important meetings my saturday morning and monday right, those are my important meetings. We my Saturday morning and Monday right, those are my important meetings. We don't do the serenity prayer in our Monday night meeting. That's not an AA meeting, that's just a group of guys hanging out together. We just pray in and we pray out. It is just a group of guys. I hadn't heard the serenity prayer in three weeks. I didn't realize that and literally when those six guys started to say it, I just stopped and listen. It's just sometimes you forget the power of that, of that serenity prayer.
Speaker 2:We take for granted the little things that you don't realize, you miss no no, and it's just, I had not been in that meeting for three weeks and it just it stopped me, but it was good. Anyways, we are on episode two or 52, sorry, episode 51. Yes, sorry, jesus, I'm a little shaky right now, why? Well, my daughter number one is here today. Oh, number one, we had daughter number two last week. We got daughter number one.
Speaker 2:Now let me tell you how this girl started in this world. Oh, we've heard this, but refresh us. This girl started in this world. Oh, we've heard this, but refresh us. This girl started in this world on july 17th 1992. I got that right. Huh got three pounds, two ounces. She lived in an incubator for almost two and a half weeks till she got big enough to where her and her mom, we can hold her and take her out. Three months old she got diagnosed with a tumor behind her eyeball. This girl's been fighting her entire life, from the day she came out, and she is still a fighter, and, god, I love you, anyways.
Speaker 2:So we're going to walk through this and I'm probably going to mute my mic, just like I did last week. I'm going to let Rob do this. I'm going to answer when I need to and talk when I need to. If I can Remember, rob and I talked a little bit before. We made a little live Instagram before this, and these are on Instagram. Oh, yes, you are, rob. You've been on Instagram more than you know. Brother, you can't copyright that ugly face either. It's one of a kind buddy.
Speaker 3:So it's hard to get it I know.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, we're going to. I know it's hard to get it and as we finished up 49, I said you know what 50, 51, and 52 needs to be the family? Right, let's do the family afterwards and that's. You know, it's a chapter in the book and it is definitely something that not only is it healing for me and my daughters and my wife, because, honestly, we're digging into some stuff we've never talked about.
Speaker 3:Or stuff we don't even remember.
Speaker 2:Yes, and McKenna stepped on some stuff last week that honestly came from left field and I didn't see it coming and, um, it got me and I'm sure it's gonna happen again today. Yeah, and I'm sure it's gonna happen again when katie comes on here but you know, the book says more will be revealed more will be revealed.
Speaker 2:And I mean, I was six months along before I remembered some other stuff and two years long before I remembered some other stuff. So it happens right, we, we tend to block some stuff and we tend to not want to forget, but we tend to leave stuff out.
Speaker 3:Oh shit, well, I've, I've, hey, I've packed a lot of shit away. I wanted to forget, right, I didn't get brought up to my second set of steps, right.
Speaker 2:So I mean it, it it is what it is. So, like I said, we're going to work this through and see what happens. Miranda. Hi Hi, my baby, I'm going to let you go.
Speaker 3:Rob. Well, we're going to start about just the way we did with the McKenna. You go Talk to me. Childhood, yeah, I mean just relationship, family, how you grew, because you are five years old or five and a half.
Speaker 1:Almost six. Yeah five and a half, almost six, um so five years, 11 months yeah five years 11 months older than mckenna.
Speaker 3:Um, you know, and that's a lifetime really. That's a whole different set of friends, that's, you're out of high school by that time.
Speaker 1:So for sure. So mckenna, you know, was geez. I, you know, was in kindergarten. When my parents had mckenna, I remember my mom had a schedule c-section. My dad had purple scrubs on. He came out and got me and took me in there to see her and I instantly fell in love with her and I was killing it. As an only child. I bet All the good stuff in life and then I had this little bundle and goodness, I did not know what I was into with that girl. She is hellfire and brimstone, but God she loves big.
Speaker 1:She loves so big. And I'm a mother now myself. I have three little ones, my babies. Yeah, my middle daughter, who is six, is.
Speaker 3:So did you get one of you or did you get a McKenna?
Speaker 1:I got McKenna. I got McKenna Jr, my middle daughter Claire. She's six, about three, seven in August and she, in every facet, reminds me so much of McKenna.
Speaker 3:She just has that fire and she. So you know how to raise her, you know how to navigate her, you know what.
Speaker 1:She has all the things that I think I ever wish I could have been at that age and growing up and I just pray that no one ever dims that in her because she is such a light. She is such a light, she's such a fire and I just know she's going to do amazing things. And just like Kenna you know she's McKenna's killing it in life she's doing amazing stuff. So I'm very blessed to have her. I can't imagine going through this life without her and having you know my parents. It was their plan for me to be an only child. My mom's delivery with me was very traumatic. Um, my parents lost, had a friend that was only child and he lost both of his parents in an accident, and they never wanted me to be alone.
Speaker 1:So they gave me mckenna and it was probably the best gift gift they could have ever given me.
Speaker 3:So I didn't hear that. I never heard that part. I never heard that part. That's good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've talked about that in a meeting that you know we had Miranda and you know we. But we weren't, because we were so scared after Miranda was born that we went through some shit, you know, till about five or six months, you not knowing we were just it was scary, yeah. So we, me and katie were like nope, we ain't doing this shit again. But, like miranda said, about year four and a half we were like you know what this happened to this couple. We don't want to leave miranda alone. You know something happened. So she went ahead and let me go ahead and put a seat in her. And there we went, jesus Christ.
Speaker 3:Well, that's how it happens. I'm sure you know by now I don't.
Speaker 1:I don't know how it happens. It just happened three times and it's a miracle.
Speaker 2:Sorry, Katie, I just that one came out, but anyways yeah.
Speaker 1:Eric slips on a bar of swear and I get pregnant. I had to get my tubes tied.
Speaker 2:I was like I just know it'll happen again that hispanic love bud anyways, okay, so now yeah.
Speaker 1:so growing up, um, you know my dad, we were super, super involved with the church. My dad was a deacon at the church. He he ran Bible study. Our home, our front door, was always open for people coming in and out of it that needed help or just needed dinner or needed refuge. And you know, our home always felt so light and bright and we went to church every Sunday. We were involved in a very small church. We were very intertwined with the pastor's life as well, and you know that was a huge foundation for me growing up. That really changed, probably. I was about 10 years old when our pastor left the church, and not that we fell away, but we were definitely like, not as involved. You shared that with us too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's when I mean, were definitely like, not not as involved. You shared that with us too. Yeah, that's when I mean that once again. That's where I was putting my faith in him and not in God.
Speaker 1:Right. I, he, I was following, you know yeah, we were following pastor, right, I mean we didn't, I didn't realize.
Speaker 2:To another I still have a hard time listening to other pastors I do, but anyways, yeah, it was hard.
Speaker 1:He was amazing. I mean he was very much like a father figure, like a grandfather figure. I mean, if we miss a Sunday of church, it was guaranteed by one o'clock. He was knocking on the door and was like where are you guys at? Is everything okay? We're like, we're so sorry, pastor, we're just sleeping in this morning, yeah. But yeah, let me know, right. Yeah, I just remember our home being open door, like people coming for dinner. My dad was driving truck at that time still too, and he was working in dispatch. And a good sunday for me was when my dad had to go, uh, pull a load, and he would be like, hey, you want to go? And I'd be like, yeah, okay, and we'd you know, he was still big layer at that time and we'd get in the car or get in the truck and we'd go and I'd ride around with him dropping off loads and talking on the CB. Talking on, oh my gosh, cb was so cool.
Speaker 1:I'll never forget seen my dad more proud than when I ate my first double bacon cheeseburger from Jack in the Box. Oh my gosh, he had told everybody about it for like days. She just ate a whole double bacon cheeseburger.
Speaker 2:I was like, oh yes, I did. You know, it's funny. She says that we picked it up at the Patterson Jack in the Box leaving. I've dropped off a load in Centennial, headed back to Stockton, stockton rack to get another load, and we stopped at Patterson. I dropped off a load in sentinel ahead of back to Stockton, stockton rack to get another load, and we stopped at Patterson. I always stopped at that one. I had great truck parking, so I remember that.
Speaker 1:So yeah, but that was. And then you know, when we kind of fall away from the church a little bit, um, that's about when you were 10, you said yeah. I was about 10 and you know we life just kept moving. You know we kept moving and my dad had his weight loss surgery. Um, oh, actually to backtrack a little bit to, uh, no, I'm so sorry we moved out.
Speaker 1:we moved out of the house that we, that I was raised in, really, um, we sold that house and we lived with my grandparents for a little bit before we bought another house Right after my dad had had his gasser bypass.
Speaker 3:Which was in 07.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that I mean that was a pretty big transition time for me. I was a freshman in high school. Okay, yeah, so it was Any sports.
Speaker 3:McKenna did basketball. Yeah, I cheered, I cheered, you cheered. Yeah, all the way through.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I cheered from about first grade all the way up to senior year. What?
Speaker 3:high school.
Speaker 1:We went to Waterford, yeah, so we went to Waterford High School, went to Hickman Elementary. Yeah, my dad was very, very involved. He was, you know, very much I was coaching at the high school.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and he was coaching at the high school. That was like a normal day for us. He would pick us up from school, we would go to football practice with him, my sister and I would be on the sidelines doing cartwheels down the sideline. You know, that was just, that was normal for us. And and when you know, we moved into that house, which is funny enough because my husband and I our first house that we bought is exactly across the street from the house that we lost. Really, yes, out there, uh, no, um, over in in town. That's our second house that we live in now. Um, our rental property now is, uh, across the street from the house, and when we were going to buy it, my parents were like, please don't buy that house, please don't buy that house, because they were just so tainted by that road bad memories yeah what's that?
Speaker 3:is that odd, or god?
Speaker 2:oh, it was, god for sure it's. I mean that that was, that was a lot of trauma that, honestly, I'd never even once again, miranda brought some stuff up.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was looking at, that was yeah, it was some trauma.
Speaker 1:That's all right. Yeah, I mean it's. It was definitely like learning things for us. You know, losing, losing the house for kenna and I. That was like kenna and I think. I was raised on Heather, which was our first street that we sold, and lived with my grandparents, and McKenna feels like she was raised in Goldmine. I was raised in Heather but all my friends lived on Goldmine, so when I was a freshman in high school, all of my friends lived in that area. That was the house that I was living in. When I met my husband, you know, he would roll up in his dad's little beat down work truck and would show up in front of the house and my dad would be like eric, what are you doing?
Speaker 1:it's the middle and I get out of here like so his hat on backwards his curly hair and no driver's license no, he was like 14 or 15 at the time, so that's killing it. Yeah, get away with that shit I know he wasn't going very far, but you know that that house held so much memory for kenna and I that your friends our friends and you know it was a lot of turmoil.
Speaker 1:We could feel it, kenna and I could feel it, and you know it was sad for all of us. But I think, starting really starting from there and moving forward, I just think it was a lot of spiritual warfare that our family was really going through and that was just like the kickoff of it. And you know, as the years went on and you know you start working on things and you start becoming, you go from a child to a teenager. Those are really confusing times and you know, I I lacked a lot of self-confidence and I was just always trying to find that in other parts of my life. And you know, Eric and I we got together when we were juniors in high school and I very much was trying to find my confidence in him. And you know, we found each other at a very young age and we loved really big for really young people and with that you grow and I am very much my dad. I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
Speaker 3:True fact. But you and McKenna, you're both like your dad, but in different ways.
Speaker 2:Yes, she got my heart and she got her mama's looks. Trust me, they're both beautiful.
Speaker 3:I'm glad they got their mother's. Looks, you ain't lying yeah, so I mean but she also got your. Let's go. Yep, get down nose the ground soon, let's just you know, don't wait around McKenna got the same.
Speaker 2:Both my daughters got me and Katie are both the work ethic comes from both of us, because these two work their asses off both of them. They're fucking. Amazing is what they are. Katie and I has never missed a day of work and never been unemployed, thank you, lord right. So these girls have learned from the very beginning work comes first, no matter what, and you ain't handed a fucking thing in life. If you're gonna get it, you better go earn it. So anyways yeah, um.
Speaker 1:So high school, you know eric and I were together, the more so end of our junior going into senior year what year did you graduate?
Speaker 1:we graduated in 2010. Um, my, our senior year was the only year that my dad did not coach football. High school, it was the only year. Yeah, really, mm-hmm. Yeah, because remember that one night that Eric brought all the guys over here to watch have you Do Film with them, but, yeah, that was the only year that my dad didn't coach. So, yeah, like I said, you know, I'm very much an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, very much so, and I have to like talk about things, to get past them and to work through it.
Speaker 3:That's him. It's a thousand percent yeah.
Speaker 1:If I'm not talking about it. There's something.
Speaker 3:I'm always talking to myself, but then I do this to, unfortunately, so I do this yeah, I say, I say nobody's got to punish me, because nobody punishes me harder than you lying there, that's right, that is, yeah, 100 her daddy yeah, we are harder on ourselves than anybody for sure. Ridiculous, but we do it for sure.
Speaker 1:so I mean, when you have a love that big at that young of an age, you're going to go through it and you have to grow together and you grow apart. And I like to say, eric and I had three stages of our relationship. We had our high school stage, our party stage and then the stage that we're in now. So my parents obviously had to watch all of that. So the highs, the lows, the beautiful, the ugly.
Speaker 3:And here we are with what?
Speaker 2:would have number three on the picture oh yeah, you know oh yeah, I stole that out of their house but the strength, but when you do survive.
Speaker 3:That yeah as you have. The strength that comes from that, for sure, is amazing, yeah, whether, whether that's what family's for yeah you're gonna I mean there's gonna be times you're at each other's throat. It just is and they will.
Speaker 1:You know that for sure, and uh, yeah, so in the, you know, in the middle of all that, and life was just moving, you know so you're 31 or 2 I'm 32. I'm about to be 33 in july oh 33, yeah, lord help me, um, so yeah, and I would say, growing up, you know, in that period of time. You know, just keep time frame moving what did you think of his drinking?
Speaker 3:I mean, you're going through high school.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna back up just a minute because she, she brought up a point that, really, honestly, I'd kind of forgotten about the timeline. My first drink was after my gastric bypass with the neighbor. With the neighbor that was in gold mine was in 2007, basically across the street, almost six months after your surgery, after my surgery, yeah, and then you know that's more.
Speaker 2:There's more to the story than just I'm not going into it, but it's just that timeline. That's and I've said this before that that's when I felt like my drinking really got started and miranda nailed it without even me talking about the gastric bypass
Speaker 1:stuff before. Yeah, anyways, yeah. So, um, timeline wise, his drinking. It's super interesting to me listening to like mckenna's episode and just I think I forget our age difference and how aware we are of those things in between, because, you know, mckenna recognizes my dad's drinking really not getting bad until like 2020 and I I track it back to like 2014. Um, I think really, what set off truly some really unfortunate events in our family was our dog drowning in the backyard in the pool. Um, it was after a football game. Our dog, my dad's dog it was.
Speaker 3:You know it was is this the, uh, the dachshund?
Speaker 1:yeah, my dad's dog, uh, broke his back, and he had oh my gosh, I can't. I can't even tell you how much money they had spent to get this dog fixed, oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:He was an amazing dog, though, and so he was in wheels and it was pretty normal practice for um for the coaches to come over here after a game. They would sit in the backyard and they would drink and they would until they all got tired and then they would go home. Well, rowdy had only been home for maybe about a month and he was in wheels and because his back was broken, his back legs didn't work anymore and my dad and them, they came inside and Rowdy had been outside of my dad and my dad came in and walked the coaches out outside and he came back inside and he's like where's Rowdy? And we were like what? And I went running out the back door and rowdy was at the bottom of the pool and the wheels and because the wheels didn't float and the wheels just drug him down and, uh, it was just havoc ensued.
Speaker 1:After that, um, my dad dove in the pool. He had his phone in his pocket. They pulled the dog out of the pool. Um, I was doing cpr on the dog, doing everything I can to save this dog, and it was just pandemonium around me. My, how old were you? I was doing cpr on the dog, doing everything I can to save this dog, and it was just pandemonium around me, my how old were you?
Speaker 1:I was, that was 2014, so I was 20, okay, yeah, so in nursing school or yeah, I was um in that's where the cpr comes in yeah, I was in the middle of nursing school actually and I'm doing cpr on this dog and trying to bring this dog back, and my sister is right here, she's losing her mind 15 years old. Yes, sorry, mckenna.
Speaker 1:She's like losing her mind, my dad's over here losing his mind. My mom is like pacing around and whenever anything happens like that, I just go into like fix it mode, like I just have to fix it. No-transcript. Yeah, it was a lot, um. But uh, a week later I found out I was pregnant with my son. So, yeah, I was actually have. I was actually, yeah, the that's where the rage came from is I didn't know I was pregnant, so sorry. And Cain while he is an absolutely amazing blessing in my life and he saved my life, my pregnancy with Cain was definitely not met with excitement. Eric and I Is Eric the same age? He's 20? Yeah, eric and I.
Speaker 3:Is Eric the same age 20? He's 20? Yeah.
Speaker 1:Eric and I are the same age, we were 20. But Eric was in Kentucky going to school, so he was not here. So I found out I was pregnant with Kane and it was just. It was a very confusing time and it just really set in motion. It was a very confusing time and it just really set in motion, probably about a good year and a half, of just real highs, real lows, and unfortunately, you know, my parents had to be front row seat for all of that and I know that that's that's difficult to watch your daughter go through changes in her body and then have a baby. Then I really struggled with postpartum depression after I had cane. It was really bad, uh, to the point, my parents would have to come up and check on me in the middle of the night to make sure that I was okay and I was just doing everything that I could to survive at that time and that's really difficult. And as a mom now, Talk to me about that.
Speaker 3:Your perspective. 20 years old yeah, all this going on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was 21 when I ended up having my son Now you're a seasoned mother.
Speaker 3:Yeah, talk to me about that.
Speaker 1:I was 21 when I ended up having my son and you know, eric was set to go back to school.
Speaker 3:What was he doing in Kentucky?
Speaker 1:He was wrestling in Kentucky. My husband is a collegiate wrestler All-American but yeah, he was going to school out there and when we found out I was pregnant with my son, I had you know, I was here, he was there majority of the time my pregnancy with Kane and then he came back in April. We had our son in May and it was a lot, you know. We were two kids that had no place having a baby, um, and we were just trying to navigate that, navigate life. And then you add postpartum depression on top of that and it was. It was a lot to navigate and it was very, very difficult. And, yeah, I was in a very, very dark time and my parents were literally driving me to therapy to get help because I was just a shell of the person who I am.
Speaker 3:no, uh larry, I've never heard. I mean you, we've talked about you, but I've never heard this time frame. No, larry, I've never heard. I mean, we've talked about you, but I've never heard this time frame. Timeline a little bit. Where were you at this time, unfiltered? Yeah, I was drinking. Okay, yeah, that's how I escaped and, miranda, what time You're 20,.
Speaker 1:So what year? I was 21 now now. So what age?
Speaker 3:this is 2011 uh, this is no, I wish oh, no, 20, no, this is 2015, so I had my son in 2015 okay, so we've yeah, okay, yeah, so she's, she's right. Uh-huh, I'm not saying somebody else is wrong, I'm just saying her timeline and you're drinking.
Speaker 1:I mean how I know? Yeah, I mean yeah. So this was 2015 and I uh, you know, and it was a rough year, it was keep going.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I thought I haven't played.
Speaker 2:She you did. Miranda plugged it in. Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't work with this.
Speaker 1:I'm so sorry um, yeah, so that was 2015. Um, and the next year was, you know, was pretty rough. We were just trying to figure out life and, you know, sort some stuff out, what I look back on probably the hardest time of my life. I know that I had to walk through to get me where I was now and without that, I mean Eric and I wouldn't be where we're at now. We have an absolutely amazing life. We have an amazing marriage, we have three beautiful kids, we have a thriving business.
Speaker 3:A new home.
Speaker 1:A new home, a dream home.
Speaker 2:It's not just a home, it's a ranch. I know it's a beautiful place.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we have our dream home, a ranch. Yeah, I mean, it's a beautiful place. Yeah, we have our dream home and, uh, we, we wouldn't have been able to be where we're at now, spiritually, emotionally, without, without that, and so, even though it seemed hard at that time, I'm very thankful and it was hard.
Speaker 3:It didn't just seem that way, it was hard oh god, yeah it was.
Speaker 1:It was hard. It was super, super hard and for me, I don't love sitting in those periods of time, I don't even like dwelling on them, because I am a sponge. I'm an empathetic sponge. I will get back into that emotion and I'll sit there for the next two weeks and just beat myself up about all the things that I could have done different. Yeah, and I know that's not therapeutic and I know that's not. That does nothing for me. That's why, um you know, I and the only reason.
Speaker 3:Your experience is now to help the next woman that's getting ready to go through that. You can help guide if they'll listen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the only reason I go back to that is because, you know, again, my dad says you know he was drinking really heavily during that time and, um, I know he was probably just trying to cope. I can't imagine watching my daughter, I just imagine Claire, go walk through that and walk through such a valley that you can't pull them out of regardless of as much as you want to fix it as much as you want to fix it, as much as you want to take that pain away, you can't do it, the heartbreak and the you know the pain.
Speaker 1:I know that that was probably very difficult for them to watch.
Speaker 3:When did it start getting better for you? When did that kind of dark period start getting some light?
Speaker 1:So I had to do a lot of therapy and God bless my therapist. She was absolutely amazing. I was going I started going to therapy twice a week and then it went to once a week and then I saw her for seven years consecutively. She did so much work in my life.
Speaker 3:She was absolutely amazing, um is she a believer or just a therapist? You know?
Speaker 1:no, she's a believer. Yeah, and she, she had her own walk and she helped. Amen, yeah, she had helped quite a bit and I can still. I don't see her regularly anymore, but I know that if I was to pick up my phone right now and call her, she would immediately call me back. She, like she's and she's always rooted for the positive, like she always rooted for you know what was going to be best for me and she was going to help me navigate those situations. Um, but, yeah, that it really got better. Probably I really started to come come around Cain's birthday because we started to see some positive light. I the only thing that I can ever contribute it to is, like you know, when they say God chased the one to bring it back to the 99 he.
Speaker 1:I was running so hard from him. I was so mad. I said I was like God, like you know, I had this vision of a perfect family in my mind and, like you didn't give that to me and I should have been met with like happiness and love at this moment in time. And I was met with so much heartache, like why would you do this to me? I was so mad. Eric had started going to celebrate Recovery, to work on some anchor stuff, good and we were having to go to this co-parenting therapy.
Speaker 3:Did he start coming to school out here? Did he stay in Kentucky?
Speaker 1:He was back here now. After some stuff had happened, he came back and he was going to Celebrate Recovery, to work on some anchor stuff and he had invited me. He was like do you want to go with me?
Speaker 1:while you're running from god I was running and I was like and we weren't together at the time and you know, we were just trying to live life and, you know, move forward and he was like, you know, do you want to go with me? And I was, was like, I guess, yeah, like I'll, I'll go. And they had this group for, uh, codependency and I was like shit, I don't know, that sounds like maybe, maybe I'm codependent, so I started going to that.
Speaker 3:And how'd that work out?
Speaker 1:You know it was. I will only I cannot give enough credit to that program because it was what I needed. At that moment in time, between the therapy and going to the structure of Celebrate Recovery, and like going and hearing people's stories that how God was moving in their life, I was like I need that, Like I want that. And then Eric and I started focusing on each other and started focusing on our family and, just you know, we were like, okay, we're going to, we're going to do this, Like we're going to give this the best shot possible. And it wasn't an option. Like we looked at each other and we were like, if we're going to do this, we're going to do this for our son and we're not do back and forth and we're not gonna be up and down, we're gonna be solid.
Speaker 1:And we vowed that to each other and we stopped listening with god in the middle of god, in the middle of it and we stopped listening to everybody around us and what they thought was best and just focused on what god thought was best for us and we went in head first and thank god we did, because look at us now you know, we're. We just keep moving in the right direction, and three bars of soap later yeah, something like that. Um, but yeah. So, and even though those times were so hard, we we got back together and we've been super strong ever since so when did you jitsu start up with eric?
Speaker 1:so eric, after he came back from college.
Speaker 3:I always thought until, like when we were doing the same, we were doing the dirty. I got to go to your guys's new house and talk to him and I saw that you know the usa tattoo on the back of the wrestling, which is wrestlers, that's not jiu-jitsu, people, that's yeah dude you're a wrestler. So when did jiu-jitsu start?
Speaker 1:yeah. So after um he came back from wrestling, you know, he kind of. We went a few years without him having an outlet and he's so competitive and he's so methodical in the way that he thinks and the way that he moves is so he is just grace in a person like I can't explain him any better. The way he moves is so confident, without being egotistical and without being overbearing. He just moves with there's no other word than grace. And he needed an outlet and he was looking into competition and these things that he could do and his brother started his older brother, caesar, has started jujitsu. Eric was like I'll go try it, and at first he was just kind of like this isn't my thing, like you know and he went a little bit and we went a year and he was just craving competition, he needed something. And so then he really dove into jujitsu. And he was just craving competition, he needed something. And so then he really dove into jujitsu and he started going to a local jujitsu academy and just kind of ran from there and he really fell in love with it and it seemed really quickly he went from it was just like a hobby to it was full force. His head was in it. He was moving forward and I think what really propelled him even more forward was back in 2021, we lost one of our really good friends during COVID.
Speaker 1:He was very young. Tori was not just a huge part of our life, but he was a huge part of my dad's life too. He's one of my dad's football players huge part of our life, but he was a huge part of my dad's life too. He's one of my dad's football players, and tori was god. He was the glue. Uh. Tori was every piece of joy you could fit in one person. He was so jovial, his face would just light up. He could. He had the best laugh. He would just bring every piece.
Speaker 3:What happened?
Speaker 1:He got COVID and he was at home and his oxygen saturations were dropping, and so they called 911 and they took him to a local hospital. This local hospital was so not equipped for all the other things that Tori may have had going on with him as well. Tori, he was overweight, and he ended up having a heart attack and dying, and it shook all of us very much to the core. It was very, very rough. It was very, very rough, and that was in November of 2021 that Tori died. No August.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry. It was August of 2021 that Tori died and I think after that, eric just really took into perspective what was important in his life and he was teaching at the time and while he loved teaching, he had been doing it for a while and he just had this dream to open a jiu-jitsu academy. And he was kind of just like bouncing it around for a long time. And when we got Tori's cell phone back, we were all going through it and Tori was literally texting commercial property owners in his hospital bed, attempting to find Eric a place to open this academy while he's in this hospital bed, thinking of Eric in the next move to help Eric fulfill this dream. And I think that just propelled Eric forward to make a dream a reality. And his dream was to put it in this old pharmacy in town.
Speaker 1:And you know, he looked at me and he was like, hey, I think I'm going to do this. And I said let's do it. And we opened it. Just, you know, on our wing, in a prayer, we put money into it and we prayed over it and we said you know, lord, just do your will with us, what you want. And the day we did pre-signups, we had a line around the door, a line all the way around the block for people to sign up, and it has been truly amazing to me to watch what the academy has done, not only for our community but for my husband. Uh, we are, you know. I will say one thing, do they?
Speaker 3:still do the sunday.
Speaker 1:Uh, prayer and prayer roll, so we do sunday school of wrestling and no it that will start back up in the summer. Yeah, but we do sunday school of wrestling. I just started I.
Speaker 3:I got to do that. He told me about it a while back, but I still got the hip done, so I couldn't you know. But now that I'm on the mat, but you know what?
Speaker 1:I'll tell you this my dad's walk into sobriety and my dad going and getting sober was really the catapult for Eric and I to really dive deep into our faith.
Speaker 3:we're going to get onto that, yeah, so sorry, I feel like we're on a rabbit hole a little bit.
Speaker 1:No, we're good.
Speaker 3:No, yeah, we're right where I wanted to be Cause it was actually fun to listen to that, but honestly, that's why because there's because you were talking about 2021 when Eric you know, was your friend.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but however, cause I didn't his drinking and it's and nobody's wrong. It's all just about perspective, like when you read the bible, you got matthew, mark and luke, you got, you know the three synoptic gospels. Right, talk about the same man. You know from different perspectives, different perspectives. So I did not know that we tried to get him, or you're for the family, but I say we the family, because 2020 I was going through cancer, that's 2021, I was just, when you know, sucked yeah it all sucked.
Speaker 3:Well, I shouldn't say it was great because, like you said, the the battles you went through, yeah, look where you sat now. Yeah the strength we get from that. I went through a lot of you know those battles yeah wow. But you try to get him in to help in 2020 yeah, so actually no um october 2020 so I was actually 2021 those are the mainers.
Speaker 1:Happened about the same time then, so the first actually going back to tori, passing, I, you know my dad, my dad is my dad, my dad it's loud, my dad is voiceless. My dad, he says off the wall shit and it's just larry. Like, yeah, he is who he is, you know like drunk or sober, baby, it don't matter it's.
Speaker 1:He's always been like that and you know it is. It is what it is. But when Tori died we were all in the front yard of my in-laws house. My in-laws live on a really busy town, a busy road in town, and you can always find us. And there was a ton of us just congregated in the front yard of my in-laws house and my dad came rolling up in his truck just drunk off his ass, and my brother-in-law, who's a year younger than my husband, is. He's very meticulous, he's very. He's a very clean OCD, very keeps, keeps his stuff very nice. Uh, my dad came rolling up, drunker than hell, bust into the front of my brother-in-law's truck and one time yeah, and I was not there at the time.
Speaker 1:I came back and he was like hey, your dad was just here and your dad ran into the front of my truck and I was like what? And he was like I think he was drunk. And I was like, no, no, I don't, I don't think so, I don't think so. No, yes, he probably, he probably was drunk. Um, but, yeah, me and eric.
Speaker 3:So is this eric's younger brother yes, yeah, and so you know.
Speaker 1:And then I was like I'm calling my mom and I'm like mom, is dad like out and about, like what is going on? Like he just came over here and ran into the front of edgar's truck and I was like, oh fuck, all right, well, tell him, I'll do it, I'll take care of it, like we'll deal with it. I was like, okay, so there was that. And you know we're all in the middle of mourning and this happens and you know we just have to. You know I'm like, oh no, edgar, I don't think he was drunk. You know what I mean. Like always covering for my dad and always.
Speaker 3:You know those kind of things and McKenna kind of had the same thing from her picture. We'll get through this Everything's alright. But she's in her early 20s, so she's doing the early 20s just living life For sure.
Speaker 1:And I think too, what kind of opened Eric and I's eyes a little bit more that there was like a real big problem Eric and I had just helped. Eric and I had a friend that lived with us for 75 days and we got him sober and got him to rehab and that was talk about a test of your relationship. It was a definite test.
Speaker 3:Especially having him in the house.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what we had. Just it was crazy. And I think Eric had lived with him for a little while and I was when they were younger, in their party stage Eric had lived with while and I was when they were younger, in their party stage Eric had lived with him and I was we hadn't seen him in a very long time. I won't say his name because I just I don't think it's necessary, but uh, we he had. I was driving through town one day and I went, I was going home, and I went past and there was somebody standing on the side of the road and I was like what the heck? So I turned around, went back and sat in, sat in the Walmart, in the Taco Bell parking lot for a little while and I was like, oh my God, that is him.
Speaker 1:And I called Eric and I was like, hey, you know, so-and-so is over here and he looks like crap. He's lost like 50 pounds, he looks terrible. And we had not seen him in like a year and a half. And Eric was like, well, I can't go over there, I'm in the middle of something right now. So I called my dad and I was like, hey, I don't want to approach him because I don't know like what kind of headspace he's in right now. So my dad came down there and I was here at the house and eric came over here to meet me.
Speaker 1:Next thing I know I've heard this one yeah, next thing I know, here comes larry walking in the door with this kid and my dad coached this kid yeah, and my dad had his great guy yeah, amazing kid he had his backpack like all strewn out on the front porch, had like gone through everything because he didn't want him bringing any anything into the house.
Speaker 1:And you know, we thought we were just going to give him a shower and dinner and send him on his way. And 75 days later, uh, eric and I were able to keep him sober, able to get him to meetings, able to get him to meetings, able to get him to methadone clinic. I don't know if you really consider that sober, but we were able to keep him off of anything off the street. For that, long.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we were able to get his VA benefits activated with some help from other people in the community and, um, you know we made that commitment to get him to rehab and we did it. You know he stayed for 60 days. It was supposed to be a 90 day program. He stayed for 60. And unfortunately, he told us, the building got COVID and so they put him all in a hotel and you know he just went right back into that fight and you know, and recently lost him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's recently lost his fight with his addiction. But you know, sorry, I think that taught Eric and I a lot and that prepared us for what was about to happen with my dad.
Speaker 3:We see this in hindsight how God kind of works, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so Eric, not that Eric and I were a little hardened, but we were a little bit more prepared for what we were about to go through with my dad.
Speaker 3:You need to get be hardened a little bit because, if too much emotion, you'll love them to death. You put too many pillows under their ass. You need to be hardened a little bit to take action when action needs to be fucking taken.
Speaker 1:Yeah honest so yeah, for sure, um, and we dropped him off. I think that was like february. We dropped him off at his rehab clinic and so that'd be february 2022 that was 2021 okay yeah, so then I'm mckenna talked about in her episode when we went to disneyland. Yeah and uh, when we went to disneyland, that was end of July and my dad and everybody had just gotten COVID, we took the kids to.
Speaker 3:This is the B12 shot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so this is the B12 shot. And when all this happened and we were in Disneyland and my mom was getting all these calls, my mom was getting all these calls from McKenna and Patrick Dude. My dad is just losing it.
Speaker 3:And you're down in.
Speaker 1:Yeah we're down in Anaheim and disneyland. We're literally standing in line.
Speaker 1:I'll never forget which ride for the peter pan ride, dude, of course, like one of the longest lines too. Mom's like, and my dad's like. My sister was like he's just fucking losing his mind, like he is just speaking gibberish. He's like not making any sense. And my mom's like well, I don't know what to do, like what I don't know. My mom's looking at me. She's like so stressed she's like should I go home? I'm like no, like he's a grown man, like he's gonna be fine, like it's gonna be okay, we'll deal with it when we get home.
Speaker 3:Peter Pan honey literally Peter Pan.
Speaker 1:So we get home from Disneyland and Eric and I had a flood in our kitchen and so our whole kitchen flooded and they had to rip out all of our cabinets. This was a few weeks after we got back from Disneyland and my dad was still just like not in a good way, like I don't know something in COVID just flipped a switch in his brain and he was for lack of a better word very off his record. He was very unpredictable, like you didn't know what he was going to say. You didn't know what he was going to do. He was just on edge all the time Drinking will do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I was very angry.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very fucking angry.
Speaker 1:So I was limiting the amount of time my kids were over here. I was trying to protect them from the situation. And my mom and I were having frequent conversations and there was some people at our house. They were working on taking out the old cabinets and that kind of stuff. And I was at work and I get a call from Eric and he's like hey, your dad just called me and he said he's coming over here. I was like for what? And he was like he says he wants to wrestle and I was like for what?
Speaker 1:He was like's drunk yeah, he was like I have no idea and so we had cameras that like overlooked our front yard and I was like watching the cameras, watching the cameras, and I like see him pull up and he like pulls up all fecocked like in front of the driveway and like gets out and he just like walks into the front yard and I see eric come out of the front door and my dad's like all right, let's go. And these two just start going at it in the front yard just wrestling. My dad's like like wrestling.
Speaker 3:He had to take it easy on you.
Speaker 1:No, Eric was whooping his ass.
Speaker 3:I know, but you still got to take it easy. Yes, because I grapple now with, even though I'm old, with the younger kid, the 20-something year olds, that they don't know how to wrestle, they're learning Jiu Jitsu than me. If you don't take it easy, you can hurt somebody, the older guys or I can hurt you know. So Eric, with experience, could have hurt Larry, so he, even though he was whooping on him, he could have for sure but there's all these workers, hey, but I'm proud of you, buddy get your ass over there and get after it around the front yard like watching.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, why is eric? Being up on this guys being there yeah and like they're like watching eric and I'm watching it from the camera.
Speaker 3:Remember this. What were you thinking? I was angry just want to grapple I was fucking angry.
Speaker 2:The last, probably last year, I was an angry individual, yeah, for whatever reason.
Speaker 3:After covid, I was just fucking angry and I said, and I was for me, because when covid started was in march of 2020, so kind of you know february, march, when it really, when we know the when it first kind of came out. Then my boss died I get died. My grandmother died, 99, I get diagnosed with cancer. Yeah, so then, but I know, but covid went all into 2021.
Speaker 1:It was also so yeah so they're grappling yeah so I'm watching it in the cameras and I'm like what? In the world is going and I'm like calling my mom and my mom's. You know she's just like.
Speaker 3:I don't know Like we're so just she's just glad he's out of the house.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, at that time, we were just living, it was just day to day. We were just living.
Speaker 3:Mechanic. I described the same time.
Speaker 1:We were just.
Speaker 3:Just yeah.
Speaker 1:To me at this point. My dad was just so an unreliable figure for me at that moment in time Like I could not trust him to watch the kids. I couldn't even leave the kids here for like five minutes, I could never even. I never knew if he was drunk or sober Like I never knew, and it was just very limited exposure at that moment in time. Eric and I had our own life. We had our kids we only had the two at the time and we were.
Speaker 3:Just when was baby girl born?
Speaker 1:uh, so everly our third. She wasn't born until 2023 okay yeah, everly's only known as sober papa, so um no where's.
Speaker 3:When was number two born?
Speaker 1:uh, claire was born in 2018. Okay, yeah, so claire. Uh, yeah, 2018 she was born.
Speaker 3:So they're grappling on the front, so they're grappling on the front yard.
Speaker 1:They're grappling in the front yard and he like it was so crazy. It was like he comes over, gets his butt kicked a little bit and then he just gets back in his truck and leaves. Eric calls me and Eric was like that was so weird. I was like what do you say at that point? I'm like, hey, thanks for kicking his ass, I guess like I guess that's what he needed, I don't know. So that was about uh mid august of 2021.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 2021 okay, so I thought tory passed in august 2021. Uh, I don't know that entire three years.
Speaker 2:Last three years is a blur. I was trying.
Speaker 1:I was talking to my mom. I'm sorry, can we? We can cut some of this out, right, I was talking was talking to my mom earlier. I'm trying to like get I get lost in like the timeframe of things, because it was all it was like nine months of just hell.
Speaker 3:Rob, I will tell you, it was like nine months of just From our conversations. The first attempt at Maynard's, I thought well, when you and I talked, it was 2020 of.
Speaker 1:October. No, we're going to get in. Rob and I had a phone call the other day.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, Never mind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I needed to work through some of this. So, just timeline wise, we were in Disneyland in the end of July, yeah, and then our house ended up flooding, so this was August.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1:Oh, my gosh, Tori, died at the beginning of September. Okay, yes, so we're in Disneyland in July, august, the whole wrestling thing happens. Yeah, because our house flooded Right Tori dies in September.
Speaker 3:Wow, yes, this is a roller coaster, it's a roller coaster.
Speaker 1:It was 2021. It was a rough year. So then Tori dies in the beginning of September. September, his august, his funeral is september 25th, so and that I mean that was rough and you know, and uh, it was never easy, but yeah, and then, so september, that's the end of september, and you know it's probably october.
Speaker 3:Okay, so october. Yeah, that's where they were trying to get him.
Speaker 1:So october, the beginning of october 2021. He was still, you know, very much angry, very much going through the motions. And there was a day he was here at home working and I get a call from my mom and my mom's like, hey, have you talked to your dad? And I'm like no, why. And she's like, well, I've been trying to get ahold of him and I can't get a hold of him. And we all knew he was in such a bad way and you know we were. We live out here in the country. There's guns in our house, we have guns in the house. And my mom says I'll never forget this.
Speaker 1:My mom said I'm not being able to get a hold of him and I'm really worried. He did something to himself and I said she sees the day-to-day.
Speaker 3:The day-to the day, yeah, and I said mom.
Speaker 1:I said what do you feel like? And she's like I'm leaving work right now. I'm headed that way, like will you just stay on the phone with me? And I said, yeah, absolutely. So I'm headed this way. I'm she's headed this way.
Speaker 3:We're coming and don't know what you're gonna to walk in.
Speaker 1:We don't know what we're going to walk into. And she, I'm on the phone with her and I have my work phone. I have two phones. I have a work phone, I have my phone, I have my work phone on about to call 911 if she needs me to, and I have her on my other phone. And she walks into the house and she walks in and he's asleep in their bed, passed out, passed out, drunk in the bed. She hadn't, she hadn't talked to him until since, like 10 o'clock that morning.
Speaker 3:it was like three o'clock at this point and she's like oh, okay, he's but okay, but 10, 11, 12, 1, so even if there's five hours and she hasn't heard from him, yes which is not a long time, but what has really been. I mean, you know, I'm saying just for the listeners, I can I, because I know what goes on the the house about alcohol. Yeah, for what Katie had to be thinking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and just all the emotions that he was going through and he had been, you know, so angry, so depressed, so just out of sorts that, that we thought at that point him doing something to himself was not out of a realm of possibility.
Speaker 3:Obviously.
Speaker 1:And you know, we know know there's there's guns here, you know, and my mom really thought that's what she was walking into and for her to have that burden, for her to know that you know she didn't want me here, she didn't want me to find it, she took that upon herself to come home um, did you meet at the same time or is she here?
Speaker 3:no, she.
Speaker 1:I was on the phone with her when she was like he, he's okay, like I'll call you back. So that was like a monday, and I came right here after that and he was just out of his mind. He was so drunk. I ended up taking his phone, calling the owner of the company that he worked for at that moment in time and I was like, listen, I have his phone, you're gonna call me if you need anything. I, we, we gotta fix this. There's something very, very wrong. And so I had been at a position I had only been in this new position since February and that's a Larry Shepard deal, though, too, you know part of that.
Speaker 1:Take charge, yeah yeah, and so I'd call my boss. I was like, hey, I need to take the next two days off. I got to sort this out and she's like, whatever you need, whatever you need, take care of it. So, um, I took the next two days off. My mom had something going on at work that she couldn't be home and I was. I was getting his ass into rehab. And so the next two days, really, I was just here babysitting Larry and, good Lord, I was babysitting a very angry Larry and I brought my laptop, I brought my stuff, I came and sat with him all that next day and he I had his phone, I had my phone, I had my work phone. I was working from the counter, I was doing whatever I needed to do.
Speaker 1:I was calling these rehabs, getting information, called Maynards, talked to Marty, gave him all the information, kind ofnards talked to Marty, gave him all the information, kind of told him what was going on and they were going to start helping me at that point. And you know he's listening to me make these calls and he's laying on the couch and he's just being a dick and he's like I don't fucking need you here to babysit me, I don't need this, I don't need that and I'm just like, okay, like meeting his anchor with grace, to the best that I I could at that moment in time, and we're probably, it's probably about 1230 and he's sitting there and he's sitting on the couch and he looks over at me and he goes. You know, the reason my drinking so bad is because of what you and Eric put us through Right and in that moment in time, through right and in that moment in time every negative thought that I ever had about myself for that situation just came to fruition was validated by not just myself.
Speaker 1:Trust me, I beat my like I said at the beginning, I beat myself up about that harder than anybody ever could. But for my dad to validate that and to take essentially first acknowledge he had a problem because he hadn't acknowledged it before, to acknowledge that he had a problem and to put that problem on me so heavy, so heavy, and I just remember looking at him and saying that is really unfair, that's really unfair that you could say that to me. And he was just so smug. He was just like well, it is what it is like, it's the fucking truth. And I sat there, continued to call rehabs, continued to do what I could do to find him some help, and I was texting eric. Eric was at work and I was like you'll never believe what my dad just said to me. And he's like that's not's not. He's like you can't believe that. You can't, you can't believe that. And even though I know now that that's not true, that that's something that you just don't move past.
Speaker 1:You just don't, you know, you don't wake up the next morning and be like, oh, he didn't mean it, like it's so heavy to bear the responsibility of somebody's addiction.
Speaker 3:To bear, but when you already had that burden on yourself. Yeah, you know the one that brought you into the world. Yeah, lair bear. Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1:To hold on to that and I after that never, never said anything about it. I never, you know I've never brought that back and been like you said this to me, you've done this to me, I've just held on to it and it's not yours to hold on to baby.
Speaker 2:Yeah, hold on a second. So you know the crazy thing about that, sis, and I'm going to address this right now. I had this same conversation with somebody else two days ago and I'm not going to mention the name of it, but they can tell their story when they get the opportunity. But they basically said the same thing and I'm going to tell you this and to any alcoholic talking to that's not yours, to hold on to that's mine.
Speaker 2:Nothing, nothing, anybody did cause me to put that alcohol in me. Nothing. What that was was a angry, self-centered piece of shit that had allowed alcohol to consume him to a point where I was so dependent on it I couldn't stop drinking more than a day without seizures, than a day without seizures. And the fact that these living amends that I try so desperately to do and in the, you know, one of the things that we have to do as alcoholics and we do our, our amends and we do those things is, you know, with our families, we have to live with these things and it's difficult, right, it's difficult the things that bother me the most to this day, right, are not anything that I did to anybody or none of my actions, and not that those were good.
Speaker 3:They don't bother me like today. But the shit that I said to people right and that I remember, the shit that I don't remember, I don't, but the shit that I remember saying to people.
Speaker 2:The hurtful things kill me and that, like I said, you that's, I can't fix, that I can't Right, I can't what I, and until that was told to me, I never even that, never even dawned on me, you don't remember I don't remember it right, I didn't come up.
Speaker 3:I was telling Miranda we were talking. I talked about this.
Speaker 2:I don't. We had our moment, not an ounce.
Speaker 3:Because in his step work this never came out, which doesn't surprise me. I struggle Now that I understand the condition he was in in this time.
Speaker 1:And I struggle.
Speaker 2:I've. It wasn't her, no, no that's surprising.
Speaker 1:I struggled, I struggled with it really heavily.
Speaker 2:It wasn't something I'd said to you, it was another person. Oh, gotcha Completely outside.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, I thought you were like no, no, no not the same situation at all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what's odd. That's what's odd about this is it's within the five day period the same thing has been brought up. I don't remember that yeah but by god, that was no, that is not for you to carry, yeah, not for you to care yeah that's mine yeah but in the moment oh yeah, I can't take, I can't fix that, I can't.
Speaker 1:You know, I'm just sitting and I was just sitting there at this counter like trying to get you help, like trying to I fuck, I took your work phone, I took this, I took that, I took I remember it vividly now, every now I remember it very vividly. Yeah, yeah, and just know taking my guns out of the house. Yeah, doing whatever.
Speaker 2:I remember all that yeah. I forgot all about that Forgot all about that. Is that something, Not a not one ounce of a memory Till this, till this came up, Not not even a thought process.
Speaker 1:Nope yeah, and it was just. I mean, it was really heavy, so he okay.
Speaker 3:So what stopped him from go? Why didn't? Why didn't? Why didn't? Why didn't?
Speaker 1:he was not on board to go at that time, like at that time it was like me and my mom were like you're fucking going. Okay, Now he was from.
Speaker 3:McKenna story. Yeah, mother, the, the women yeah family kind of talking hey, he may not be in the home, you know, going on because you guys seen this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is that's kind of where this is going yeah, so that was october and you know that was two days of hell and us really arranging everything for him to go. He didn't want to go, yeah, no, and he was like I'm fine, I don't need to go I I I'll be better.
Speaker 1:I got this yeah, yeah, okay, um, so he you know, and it was just for me, it was like, okay, bury that away, just keep, keep moving. I got my own shit I have to worry about in that moment in time and you know he's not willing to go, I'm not gonna make him go, and so you know, we kept moving and we went through the holidays and you know same thing, the holidays and we, you know, we kept moving and we went through the holidays and you know same thing, the holidays and we, you know, came through the turn of the year and I could just see the tension, bullying with my mom, and then my mom starts having conversations with me and mckenna of this is this.
Speaker 3:This is what. This is what mckenna kind of talked about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, dad might not be in the home anymore yeah, and these are heavy conversations to have with your grown daughters, like and you know, my mom asking you know if I've got to go or if I've got to leave the house, like essentially what, what should I do? Like what is the plan here? Like should I kick him out? Should should I leave? Like what should I do? And like these are conversations that I never imagined I would have to have with my mom like I, my parents, uh, the d word is not a word that we say in this house.
Speaker 1:We don't say it. In my marriage, now, we didn't. My parents never used that word, and to know that that was a realm of possibility at that moment in time was terrifying. Even at 30 is scary to hear your parents possibly going through that and knowing at that moment in time that I felt as though that was a better solution for my mom than what she was living in in that moment in time. Why bet, like dude, just get out Like you know what, if this is your day to day. Like she had gone to the point where she had put his ass on a freaking allowance to stop him from going to buy an alcohol. Like she had, just as short as, gone to every liquor store here in town and told them don't sell to him. Like she tried everything possible to slow him down.
Speaker 1:He was just a menace to himself at that moment in time yeah he was gonna get it and he didn't give a shit where he got it.
Speaker 3:Well, no, we got to get up, we got to get our medicine. Yeah, got to get made, we got to get right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and listening to her and the amount of money that he was spending on alcohol and her even like taking away his cards and taking away this and taking away that. And then he learned how to use Apple pay and it was just all like downhill from there. So you know, that came and that put us in April and my son was playing t-ball at the time and my dad and mom, so here comes the grandson's t-ball game.
Speaker 3:Dude, what a catalyst, what t-ball game. And Patrick, what a fucking catalyst.
Speaker 1:I love it. Tell me about the t-ball game. Yeah, so my son was playing t-ball at the time.
Speaker 3:Okay, hold on. What is he then like as a grandpa?
Speaker 1:Non-existent. What's he like now? Non-existent. What's he like now as a grandpa? Oh my gosh, you know what, if he could be up their butts, he, he's just like he can't cuddle them enough, he can't love on them enough. He especially my little one, my little, I don't want to say she's like adverse to men, but she is like she'll give you like a moment of her time and she's like all right, bye, like we'll get up except for Patrick know, for some reason she just loves Pat and she'll sit with him, no problem.
Speaker 1:And my husband's dad, her Tutu, she loves Tutu. She'll hang out on Tutu all the time, she talks about Tutu all the time. But other men and my dad she'll be like. Alright, I gave you 10 minutes, I'll see you later.
Speaker 3:Who's that? Who's that in the family? Is that just a brand new personality? Who, oh no, she's brand new.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh, she's a personality of her own. Okay, yeah, but my son, my son is very much as a papa's guy. He'll come like if papa calls and papa says, hey, bug, you want to go run this or you want to go do this, and he's like, yeah, let's go. He's a writer for his papa.
Speaker 2:He'll go wherever we were texting all morning about sacramento, sacramento, hornet games yes, oh my gosh, my 10 year old.
Speaker 1:Oh, he is gosh, he's a light of my life. He is a sports guru and it was so funny. For the longest time he could have cared less about sports, cared less, and it was like a light came on in him and he is a football guy, he's a wrestling guy, he's a jujitsu guy, he is a basketball guy, whatever this season. Is he okay? So he's playing t-ball? Yes, so he's playing t-ball. He's a wrestling guy, he's a jujitsu guy, he is a basketball guy, whatever this season is he okay, so he's playing t-ball yes, so he's playing t-ball he's drunk drunk.
Speaker 1:He ends up leaving, leaving the t-ball game. He ends up leaving like mid t-ball game and my mom is still there. They came in separate vehicles for some reason I had been in a appointment in modesto yeah.
Speaker 1:So he comes and he leaves and my mom, after the game, you know, hugs, kisses, bye, my mom goes home and my mom's probably home for like 20 minutes. She calls me. She's like I need to come over here. I'm like for what? Like, what's going on? She's like your dad's drunk as hell. He's being mean, I'm not doing this anymore. And I was like, okay, like I'm on the way, I tell you. Okay, I was like my mom needs me. I gotta go the way. I tell you. Okay, I was like my mom needs me. I got to go. And so I come over here and he's laying on the couch and he's just like like in a corpse position, like his arms are crossed, and he's just like so drunk. And I go over and I'm like pushing him and I'm like, hey, like what's going on, like what, what's happening, like what are what the fuck, pretty much. And he's like leave me alone. And I'm like, uh, no, like what, what's going on here? Like what are you doing?
Speaker 1:and he's like I fucking told you to leave me alone and he pulls on his big ass long legs and fucking kicks me right in the chest, sends me backwards on my ass, and I got up and just started wailing on him, started punching him, telling him what the fuck? Like you think this is okay, you think we're gonna, you're gonna treat us like this, like this is the fucking end. Like this, you make a fucking decision right now. This is the end. This is where we draw the line when violence gets started. Like this is not okay. And my mom is crying, my mom's pulling him off me. My mom's uh, I'm calling eric. Like my dad just kicked me. My dad, eric's, like I'm on the way. Like eric goes and drops off the kids. My grandma, who is you want to see my dad's kryptonite night? Make him deal with my nana okay, this is his mother no, this is my mom's mom.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, uh, no one can straighten that man out more than that. Five, eight, hell on wheels, lady. And she just looks at him and he gets set straight. I'll tell you that. And so we're, you know, we're calling in all the enforcements, cause we this, this is go time at this point, like we're, we're, we're done, done, and uh, so Eric shows up, my grandma shows up, my grandpa shows up, and he's just this intervention going. I didn't know, there's all these people Go ahead, yeah, trust me.
Speaker 2:I don't remember that many people being there either.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and my we're. You know, we're all telling him that this is done, we're done here we're absolutely done, like.
Speaker 3:so when is it, when does the call to Patrick go out? Then he, larry, says finally, I'm done.
Speaker 1:So I think the call to Patrick happened before I got here, Cause that's why he was like so angry at that point.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, no, no. My clarity came in at the, at the phone call to Patrick which, once again, I want to say this God loved my son-in-law to be. He wasn't the catalyst for the that that, he wasn't the reason why all that happened, he was. That phone call was when, my moment of clarity, that when I came to and I'm like, fuck, I need help yeah, I need, but this is the moment.
Speaker 1:This is the day, oh yeah, oh yeah, it was all that, yeah yeah, and eric and eric came and eric was telling him, you know, like hey, bro, this ain't good. Like you just kicked my wife, like he went from being my dad's son-in-law to being my husband really quick and he was like very much, was trying to stay out of it, not get involved, and he had to get heavily involved at that point it was like this, so did he go to that day?
Speaker 1:oh yeah, you had to wait so even after all that, I got on the phone immediately and called me nerds and I actually talked to marty again and marty was like I remember when you called in october and I was like marty's awesome I was like, yeah, he's, he's coming. I was like what do we got to do? And he was like let's start working on it right now, get me all the information, but I hold on.
Speaker 2:I just want to clarify because, once again, what we talked about that end of that phone call to today. I don't, I don't, I haven't forgot anything into that phone call to patrick to now. You but you already had called my moment of clarity.
Speaker 1:So when that happened, call pat like I think that's why I get confused.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I don't remember everybody being here. I don't I remember you and mom right and eric being here. I don't I remember you and mom right and Eric being here. I don't remember grandma and grandpa being here. That doesn't matter Whatever. All that chaos went and I kept telling everybody I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. And I went to call Patrick Once again. Just a phone call. Thank God he didn't answer. But the reason why he didn't answer wasn't because he was mad at me.
Speaker 2:No, we know now Right, but he didn't answer. And when he didn't answer, once again my 100% moment of clarity. I was staring out the windows right there in the kitchen and when he didn't answer, I stood up, I turned around and I said said, take me to maynard's. Yeah, I was done, wide awake at that point. Yeah, I was done yeah.
Speaker 1:So that was saturday and I called up there and I got you know, I filled out all the paperwork, I got all of his insurance stuff over there. We got that all sorted out and they said, okay, you know, let him keep drinking, don't, don't, let him stop.
Speaker 2:Hold on. They said. They said that to me and I had to put it on speakerphone to make sure everybody else heard that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, same thing they did to me. Yeah, I said wait, I gotta give this one my way, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so obviously they told him to keep drinking and you know they didn't want us to stop, want him to like start going into DTs and everything like that. Um, so then that was Saturday and we all just kind of like hung around, like the tension was just so high, we were like staring at him like he was a freaking caged animal. And then he calls Eric when we finally get home. He's like I want to go on a walk with you and pop tomorrow. And so they Eric and my grandpa, my dad, my mom's dad they got up in the morning and they went and walked to the canal. And my grandpa, my dad, my mom's dad, they got up in the morning and they went and walked to the canal. And my poor grandpa you know he's in his eighties, he, they didn't get very far. My dad got a bum hip and you know they just went on this walk and they had I'm not I don't know what kind of a conversation they had. That's between them three. And then they ended up coming back and I have this picture and maybe my dad will post it.
Speaker 1:I took it on that Sunday. They were all three of them were sitting on the couch reading the Bible together. And Eric, I remember Eric telling him you know, like Larry, this is the time, this, this is now that you got to go, like this, this is the time to make it right, like you've got to do this for you. And we had my dad and I had a separate conversation and I told him I said you've got to do this for you. And my dad and I had a separate conversation. I told him. I said you know you're going and I said, and if you leave early, it will be the last time that you see my kids. I will not put my kids in this situation. I will not put my kids around this. This is not good for them. And he was crying and he's like I can't believe you'd say that to me. And I said I mean it, a thousand percent, I mean it.
Speaker 3:There's a thousand percent shepherd Yep.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that was Sunday. And then Monday they they didn't have the room for him, so on Tuesday they said we're going to take him in on Tuesday.
Speaker 2:April 12th.
Speaker 3:Yep, my sister and my mom and I, we took him up and Okay, 12th Yep my sister and my mom and I, we took them up. Okay, and I've heard three Well, I haven't heard Katie's yet but three, two, this would be third.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Version of the drive up. What were you thinking? Were you hopeful?
Speaker 1:Were you. You know what I think?
Speaker 3:I was just Like if a kid was just like yeah, being there for mom, being there for Katie, yeah, I was there for business at that point.
Speaker 1:I was there for my mom, I was there to get him up there. I was there to make sure he went in there, and the funniest part of this is I don't I've not heard McKenna didn't say this. This man was finding every reason to pull over on the way up there. Oh, I need this. Oh, I forgot this. Oh, I need you. Oh, I need you, oh.
Speaker 2:I don't remember.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh. We had to pull over at like the last gas station before we got up to meet her to get. And he's like, oh, I'll go, I'll go in and get some chew. I'm like, no, I'll go. I went in and got him a can of chew and we kept going. We kept going up up the hill and you know, we get up there and, like mckenna said that marty meets us out front, they put us in this little room again. He's like a caged animal. When his anxiety is bad, he's just pacing around.
Speaker 2:I was mad, I was anxious. I wasn't mad, I was very anxious. At that point, my, my anger subsided. Yeah, I wasn't angry.
Speaker 3:No more anxious that anxiety. Very, very on point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so the, so the already prays over us and, you know, we go outside and we say our final goodbyes to him and he, you know, loving on my mom, and he goes to go inside and we watch him. We stand out there and we watch him walk in and we watch him go in and then my sister and I just loved on my mom and, you know, told her this was the best decision that they are made, that he has made, and we were really happy that he had done it and followed through. And this was just the first steps forward, you know. And then that began like our five days of what was the drive home?
Speaker 1:the drive home. I ended up driving home.
Speaker 3:We you know you didn't stop by a covers and get anything to eat.
Speaker 1:No, no, we came straight down and you know we came. I want to I.
Speaker 2:I want to back up for just a second. Go ahead, Because of where I put us financially. Katie had taken all of our cash and put it away.
Speaker 1:I wasn't going to talk about it. How are you? It doesn't matter.
Speaker 2:It does to me, because this is what Miranda's. So we had to put money down. We didn't have cash. She ended up having $3,500 cash available so I can go in. So that's what she that came from. Her Katie obviously paid her back. We just couldn't get the cash out fast enough for when we get in.
Speaker 3:So Miranda fronted the cash to get me in.
Speaker 2:Miranda got you in. Miranda fronted the cast to get me in. Like I said, Katie had shoved all of our savings, everything where I couldn't get to it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my mom was really stressed when they told us that he was going to have to pay that up front. He was going to have to pay that cost. And Eric and I looked at each other and we were like with no hesitation. We were like we've got it, don't even worry about it, we'll go get it right now. And Eric and I went to the bank and we pulled out the money and we gave it to my mom and my mom was like you know, I'll get it back to you. I'm like I'm not stressed about it at all, like if it gives you peace of mind, like take run, like for that they've ever done for me, like that's minuscule, minuscule.
Speaker 3:That was nothing and so what's 28 days like with him gone, so what's that?
Speaker 1:what's to go back? You know the five, the first five days we don't hear from him because they're detoxing him okay, now I we didn't have phones in.
Speaker 3:All we had was a little pay cell pay phone in the in the rooms.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the same thing okay yeah, so actually the the first phone call, because you know, when I did the intake call with marty, marty was asking me like what's going on? And I had told marty this whole conversation, you know, like he's being really mean to my mom, he's, you know, he kicked me all these things. Uh, he kicked me and you know, marty was like obviously concerned.
Speaker 1:And so when he finally gets these phone calls and they're putting him through pretty extensive, you know, therapy, I get this phone call from him and he is Five days later, five days later, and oh you know, first off, I'm so nervous because I am getting this phone call from my dad, who's in rehab, getting better, and the phone call that I get is met with hey, did you tell them that I kicked you? And I was like uh hi, yeah, I did well, why would you say that? Why would you?
Speaker 1:say that I didn't do that. I was like, yeah, yeah, you did. And he was like well, why would you tell them that I was being mean and that I was saying being abusive to you guys? Like that's not okay, like that that's not right. And I'm like dad, that's literally the truth. Like you literally kicked me, I'm not lying, hangs up on me and I was like, oh, cool, cool phone call like what?
Speaker 3:maybe because everybody who knows our this to our podcast, if you don't, larry's first 20 something days of his 28 days. I didn't give.
Speaker 1:He was a asshole, I was a motherfucker yeah, and I could hear somebody on the other line I don't know who it was, if it was marty or whomever and they were like see, see, I'm not lying to you, you did do that, like they're telling him, like validating that this is true, I mean mean, but he's just coming again.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Cause I hate. I hate to make a big excuse for the alcohol, cause we don't.
Speaker 2:But as you're coming out of the fog, there's a lot of shit you don't you know it's in and out, but yeah, I, I like I, you know, you said it first just fucking, you were telling him how to run mainers, you were gonna fix everybody up there. I mean, I was sober and I was clear thinking. I was just still angry. Yeah, I hadn't really been given the. You know, I had my moment of clarity that I knew I was done drinking right, but at that point I was very pissed off about having to be sober.
Speaker 3:I hadn't really, you know, chris hadn't turned the chairs around. No, there was still a little bit.
Speaker 2:There's still a little bit to happen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So then when he obviously went through all of his days, my mom and his brother and my aunt went in and got him and then when they came down he went and picked up the kids from school and Kane was, you know, so excited to see him, of course, and you know, I promised him hey, you finish these days and you can see the kids, but if you leave early or you don't stick it out, you're not seeing my kids, you're not doing it. And he did it, so he was able to go pick them up from school.
Speaker 2:What was that like that whole day? You know, honestly, I don't remember picking the kids up that day. The biggest part of that day that I remember getting out is seeing my brother and my wife and my sister. Really, the rest of that day was a blur.
Speaker 1:It really was.
Speaker 2:And then meeting Jay and Jeanette the first time. The rest of that day was a blur. It was just I was overwhelmed with just so much new shit coming at me.
Speaker 3:And your personality and hers. Yeah, I want to make it right. I want to make it right.
Speaker 2:I want to make all this. Right I was. I was not going to be held up by anybody. Right I was. I was at that point. I was so ready to get through those steps. Nothing was going to keep me from doing it, and that was the only thing I was focused on. I wasn't focused on going back to work, I wasn't. I mean, I did, but I really all I wanted to do was get through those steps. That's what I wanted.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you know he came out and put his nose to the grindstone. He was working the steps and going to meetings and you know I'm hearing all these things about. You know the things that he's getting involved with and the people that he's talking to.
Speaker 3:What do you see in your father?
Speaker 1:You know he was very subdued a little bit when he came home. He definitely wasn't like his. My dad has a very, very bright light. He's very bright and it was very dim still he was not that bright bubbly person that he is to his core and you know it's very infectious.
Speaker 3:When did you start seeing that more and more?
Speaker 1:Um, I think, really, when he started doing like his amends and when he started feeling that he had a good grasp on his sobriety and honestly, rob, really after he met you and started working with you, I think those lights in him don't fucking blow his head up I'm not god damn it I'm just being truthful, it is true, it's all about the timeline.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true, you know just, I think he had to find somebody that matched his energy and I think Jay was amazing for him and we heard so much about Mr Jay and I met Jay and my dad would take me to meetings and with him and what do you think about any meetings?
Speaker 1:I had been exposed to it a little bit. I like the style of it because I had done celebrate recovery, so I liked it. I definitely thought it was interesting. I went to a birthday one and I thought that was nice and everybody was so inviting and they want to talk to you and they, you know they're so pretty girls.
Speaker 3:He loves the pretty girls.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my dad and my dad. You know, my dad's a dad, as he brought me in. He's like stay away from her, stay away from her, don't talk to her, you know so.
Speaker 2:Somebody thought she was my wife. That was the funniest. No, I think I introduced you as my wife.
Speaker 1:Oh Lord, that wouldn't surprise me. I don't recall that.
Speaker 3:but yeah, and I think well, because what I mean when he met me, you know, when we started working. I also, he also. That's when. That's when the boys, that's when he got involved with the men.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:Right the Monday night, so that.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, I hadn't gotten involved with that yet.
Speaker 3:No no.
Speaker 1:When you started working with me, the first oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure, yeah, yeah, I think when he found that Monday meeting he really found home and that's when he really lit up. The lights definitely came back on. You know he was.
Speaker 2:I felt like I was around my people. Yeah, that's what See. So there you go.
Speaker 3:Head still, my head's still the right side.
Speaker 2:It wasn't me. No, it's that group of people.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and the steps in God, god it's all, god Right, it's all. God Right, however, god uses, god makes and God you know.
Speaker 1:For sure. You know and he was still new into his sobriety as well when Eric and I got engaged. We got engaged in july of 2022. You guys have been together for how long? Yeah, so we have been. We've been together off and on. I will say that because, if not, he'll get me off and on for 15 years. Okay, um, we had had two kids and we, you know, our trajectory is just different, but it worked for us and we got ourselves to listen. We've been married and divorced three separate times at this point and you know what it took us. It took. You know what Our foundation was, so unbelievably strong by the time that we got married.
Speaker 3:That you know we've been through the worst I've never seen. I appreciated that I got to be at the wedding. Yeah, I got to. That was great.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Watching him cry right down the aisle, let me buy.
Speaker 1:She got that from yeah, she got that from pastor rich yeah we came back, we we did it in in the church, and it's always been when I was, uh, about nine years old, my dad did a feet washing ceremony at the church and it always stuck with me because it was the first time that I had ever seen my dad. Really, just that was the first time I'd ever seen my dad pay amends, and at that age you don't understand it. It's just like, okay, my dad's telling me sorry for all these things, for what? But it was so humanizing. I remember, even as a nine-year-old, being like it was so important to me that my dad was like apologizing to me for things that I didn't even like remember. I was like, okay, thanks, dad, like you know.
Speaker 3:So see, and for mckenna yeah larry's humanizing, because she was didn't remember that she was so little yeah, his humanizing came with his alcoholism. Yeah is, when was she, you know?
Speaker 1:yeah, and so eric and I. It was really important for me. You know, eric and I have been through so much and we have come out on the positive, but for me it was, I think, washing someone's feet, just like Jesus did. It's the most humanizing and serving thing that you can do for someone that it just strips away all pride Like, and for me it was let me wash away all of those years that we had to work to get to where we are right now and to almost walk into our marriage. Doing that, it was wow. It was so powerful and we still get people that talk to us about it and you know it was really important that we did that for each other and for everybody else and like all the things that there are so many people that didn't have any idea what was going on and I told Miranda.
Speaker 2:When she said she was going to do it, I was like make sure the pastor kind of, or the make sure he kind of, explains that a little bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Otherwise people are just going to think you're quirky.
Speaker 1:But so he had to explain a little bit why it was happening. So he did a good job and for anybody who's listening, who doesn't know Jesus, he washed the feet of his disciples as to humble himself in front of them. You know, to show them like I'm not above you, that I can't get down on my knees in front of you and wash your feet and, you know, just bring myself down to your level and it's so. Just, it's humbling, it's absolutely a humbling experience and I I encourage anybody that you know, if you've had a big argument with your spouse or you need to go before someone and just lay it all out or child, or child.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah or and you just need to humble yourself in front of them Wash their feet, wash away all of that hurt that is at the bottom and just dump it out. Dump it out after that's a good point Start. New, start afresh.
Speaker 3:So what's Larry like now? I mean, what is your guys' relationship as the family grows? I mean because you got a family of your own McKenna's not quite there yet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, eric and I now have three kids.
Speaker 3:What's he like now?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we had Everly.
Speaker 2:Everly was my engagement gift Before the alcoholism Hold on. No, I mean. So I got out May 10th, her birthday's July 17th. We went to Tahoe.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's how quickly I had to be around that Right, I had to be around all that drinking and it was. I can honestly tell you my obsession was completely gone, even by July, and I can't remember. I don't think we had been through the steps yet.
Speaker 2:I don't even think we've I don't even think you had met, we hadn't met yet no, and you had met, right, we hadn't met yet, no, and uh, yeah. So that was like my first and funny story about that. It's the first time I remember you guys have heard me tell this story. My wife was being a brat and I literally got to, I literally got to look at and go, you're being a brat. Without her having the ability to say, well, you're a drunk, guess what I'm not, you know. And funny thing about it like instantly she's just like, okay, and we, you know it. Then her and I left and had an amazing freaking night after her and I left, but it just anyways. I don't know why I went down that road, but it was that. I just remember having to go up, not having but the opportunity to go up there for her birthday. It was her 30th birthday, right, yeah, it was her 30th birthday, right, yeah, it was my 30th birthday.
Speaker 1:We were actually supposed to get engaged in Tahoe and for some reason I had like picked up Eric's phone and my dad and him were texting about Tahoe was supposed to be a surprise and they were like texting about it and I had seen the text and he was so mad.
Speaker 2:He was like why are?
Speaker 1:you like that?
Speaker 2:I was like, oh, eric was yeah. I was like I was just looking at something. Like I swear we. It was a whole surprise once he got back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so once we got back from Tahoe we got, we got engaged on my birthday. But my dad, he, we all went out drinking and all that kind of stuff after we got engaged. Um, and you know, my dad, you know, made the decision to stay home and you know, do those things and we always, we never had like a negative, like, oh my God, why aren't you going Like, why aren't you going with us, like we just knew that that was right, what was right for him in that situation. But knowing that he was sober and that's just, and being able to see those milestones from a sober view, where it's just just, that meant more than him being there at all, like knowing that he could see it through a sober lens and enjoy it and not forget about it or me not feel stressed about like, oh god, like drunk larry, you never knew what drunk larry was gonna say. Like I was always stressed about what drunk larry was gonna pop off with the family afterward talks about that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So and having those experiences, um, you know, or was just great. Like I, I'm happy that Eric and I didn't get engaged and get married during the sickness of his addiction. You know, like I, I can't imagine yeah, yeah, I can't imagine having that stress of worrying about him at our wedding or what he was going to do or what he was going to say.
Speaker 3:No, that's about as proud as I've seen a man actually that day.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I've said this multiple times the pleasure that I was given to walk her down the aisle was, you know, it's like a pinnacle, you know, and you know, then McKenna decides to do it two years later, so I get the honor to do it again. You know, and it's just and I say this, I was one drink away from missing all that. You know. You know, you know we talk about that turning point. You know it says that our turning point was me looking out those windows in the kitchen and turn around and say take me to Maynard's. You know, with everybody standing there, I could have turned around and said you're all fucking stupid.
Speaker 3:And which I probably said before anyway, but I got.
Speaker 2:I you know I could have, I had the opportunity, I had that moment. But I had my moment of clarity and I turned around and said take.
Speaker 3:I had my moment of clarity and I turned around and said, take me to Maynard's Right, yeah, and if we could bottle that, Larry, and spray it? You know the ones that.
Speaker 2:And you know, and I don't know if I'd fully committed to it or not, I just knew I needed help at that point. Right I was, I was done, done, the fight was over. I ceased fighting that day. I didn't want to fight no more and, uh, my depression was at a point where I didn't want to deal with nobody, talk to nobody. You know, hearing miranda talk about um I, I don't remember I the thought of katie thinking that I'd done something to me, to myself. I hadn't heard that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I don't think, but you could, but you could kind of hear, let me, especially when McKenna was talking about it, you know.
Speaker 2:I hadn't heard it put that way you know, but I'm sure when Katie gets on here she'll be able to talk about it Cause I've, even when McKenna Wait, they mean they the thought of my wife driving home, thinking that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and her not wanting anybody else to come, or that's why I wanted to ask Miranda, because I thought about when McKenna was sharing it.
Speaker 3:Well, mckenna had only not talked to him for five hours, why would she be so worried? You know, because all that stuff going on then. Now we kind of get to a little back, you know, you get more layers.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, and shit, we put people through. Yeah, it's incredible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was a rough day, that was, that was hard.
Speaker 3:A rough day and a great day? Well, no that one wasn't. Yeah, it was. It was a ball game.
Speaker 1:No, that was the first.
Speaker 2:that was our first the T-ball game was the day I left there and came home. I don't, yeah, you know, I don't remember. Here's the best part about that is I don't even remember going to the game. Now, I blocked because, as I've said before, I never drank to black out right, that's never where I wanted. I'm going to assume I went to the game and realized I needed a fucking nap. You know, because that's normally what you know. I drank because you got to be, oh shit.
Speaker 2:I went to the yeah, I went to the, to the other side, and I'm like, yeah, no, I need to go home, take a nap. And I went home and fell asleep, right because I was at that point where, you know, I just didn't want to.
Speaker 1:We like to call it passed out yeah, but that even the day after that sunday, when we knew we were moving in the direction of rehab and we knew he was going to maynards, and he, oh my gosh, he was like sitting on the couch and then I don't know if he was like trying to make light of the situation, he was like, hey, you guys want to see where I hide all my alcohol? And we're like, no, like you know, he was just trying to make like a joke out of it and we were so not in like a joke.
Speaker 3:He was just saying what you want to break the tension?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and he was like, oh, all right, Well, I hide it in a suitcase in the garage. Like we were like, oh my freaking God, Like we don't care. Like you know, at this point we just got to get you somewhere where you can get the help. And you know, he just tried to be Mr Jokester all the way through.
Speaker 2:The funny thing about that is when they did tell Katie to make sure I had some alcohol right.
Speaker 3:Did she go to the suitcase?
Speaker 2:No, no, no. Well, here's the funny part. Right, it wasn't the suitcase, it was my toolbox.
Speaker 1:Anyways, you had two.
Speaker 2:You showed me, you still showed me yeah.
Speaker 2:Against my will. And then when we got home from Katie allowing me to have some beers and some whiskey, then she monitored that I put the fucking whiskey that she knew I had in my fucking toolbox, where I'd been hiding it in a locked drawer. It's just what we do, it's just a habit. Why I did that is still beyond me. And when I walked out there at 2.36.m on april 12th it was in my toolbox and that's where I opened it took my last drink. So, yeah, it's just odd, it's just stupid. Stupid that I think about stuff like that, but it's like the fucking insanity of an alcoholic is just insane. Yes, this stuff. To sit back and think about the stupid shit I did and said and the way I used to try to hide my shit is just God damn. The insanity is just incredible.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Incredible to think that the shit I did to hide my alcohol.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and let me ask you a question. Hit me, three years down the road, three and some change down the road and having your family, you know, as things are healing, what do you?
Speaker 2:I'm struggling right now.
Speaker 3:With what.
Speaker 2:You know, shortly after doing my amends, I remember calling you right. Yeah, and we talked about this with Mike and we've talked about it multiple times and I was having the hardest time of forgiving myself, right.
Speaker 3:Which we do.
Speaker 2:Right and I'd said how do I make amends to my? You know I'd talked to you know I never real properly did my amends to Miranda for a while. I did right before the wedding. Yeah, we did it on the phone.
Speaker 1:I was watching everybody. I was watching him. I'm glad you said that, Doug.
Speaker 2:No, I remember I didn't want to touch base on that.
Speaker 1:No, I remember that I was watching him make amends with everybody else around us you know he talked to, I'm hearing them talk about it and like say that you know we had these conversations, mckenna, I had this conversation with my dad, my mom. He was telling me like a random old coworker attempted to reach out to her to make amends and I was just like damn, all right, like cool, everybody gets amends, but my ass or what you know, and I won't lie, it festered a lot of like resentment because I was like I got some step work for that you know, I was like out here, he's out here making amends to everybody and I and I remember talking to eric about it I'm like, am I not owed that?
Speaker 1:like am I not deserving of that? And again, I'm my hardest critic and I was just like you know, I put in a lot of work to get this man sober and here I am like waiting for like a hey, sorry, you know, like, and so something to talk to me, something, yeah, you know, like something, yeah, you know.
Speaker 2:So my daughter's two very, very different personalities, right heart to heart. More connection with Miranda. You know McKenna her and I can be fucking extremely blunt with each other, right, I know that Miranda is so much like me that she is going to harbor some of this and I didn't know how I was going to do it. Mckenna, I could just say, hey, I fucked up. You know, this is what you know and have my I mean it's fucking out there with McKenna. Miranda, it's not, it's just, it's so much more of a connection in the heart of I know that she's going to, she's going to dwell on it after the conversations, because that's who we are. That's what her and I do with McKenna. I could just say it and it's the fuck out the window, right, she's, she's good.
Speaker 2:Miranda is gonna hang on to it, devour it, and I didn't, I would just I was trying to protect her I was was trying to protect that because I didn't want her to feel like any of this was her fault and it wasn't, it was me, all me. Things said, things did. It was never anybody's fault except for me putting that shit in my body and getting to a point where my body became dependent on it, and at that point the depression hit hard and I went into a hole that I wouldn't want my worst enemy in.
Speaker 3:How are you guys today?
Speaker 1:We're good. Yeah, we I think getting better. Yeah, I think today does this help. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I think it's just not something that we've just touched on. I think just life has continued to keep moving and you know, we I personally, like you said, I don't like to go back, I don't like to sit there, I because I will sit there and I will put myself back into those feelings that I had at that time and I'll put myself in a hole for the next two weeks my daughter's the same way I have to fight out of it, fight like a dog to get out of it, and uh same way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm the same way yeah, I mean to the.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you know this about me, rob, but in 2017 I had I was trying to put cane down for a nap and went into a grand mal seizure. I that set off one of like 80 seizures in five days I'll let my sister tell you about her.
Speaker 3:She's, she was, she is epileptic I'm not, I know but I know, I know what you're talking about, so I got to slap her one time yeah, and they were like they could not figure I was in the icu.
Speaker 1:They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and they were just like the only thing that they could think was like it was just stress that had manifested and that's how it had released itself, was it's? Gotta come out some way yeah, and you know, and so me, my biggest thing is I obviously hold on to that so heavy that it turns physical.
Speaker 3:And I got some step work for you.
Speaker 1:OK, you know what he, my dad, tells me all the time he's I really think you need to walk yourself. I think you need to walk the steps and I'm like, for what? Like, I'm not an alcoholic.
Speaker 2:And we say this all the time Wouldn't hurt my grandmother. There you go.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and she's dead and she's dead. She would help her immensely. But I've taken people through steps that are not alcoholic and they get well. Talk to Brad's wife. Talk to you, know, yeah. Talk to my wife, michelle. There's just a little avenue to get to God, yeah, and then to let shit go because it's not paying rent, kick it out.
Speaker 1:And we you know, I've done a lot.
Speaker 1:I've done a lot of work on myself and I've done a lot to get me where I am now. And you know I'm I'm very happy with where I'm at in life and I'm very proud of where I'm at in life. I've gotten myself, not me. I take that back God and my relationship with God and especially since my dad got sober, I will say that is the biggest thing that myself has gotten from my dad getting sober. Was it really catapulted my relationship with God? And it was. I know that this is an easy place for me to find myself in and I know, you know that this is an easy place for me to find myself in. And I know, you know alcoholism addiction it can be genetic and I know that.
Speaker 3:Even if the alcohol doesn't show up a lot of the isms.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I know that. You know it's something that I have to work on and I know that the only person that's going to get me through that is God. In my relationship with God, and it is super important for me and my husband that we put God at the center of our home and we just I don't want to just sound like somebody that's just talking. I want to talk the walk. I want to talk the talk. I want to walk the walk. I want to be about it, that it just emanates off of me and touches other people around me and just say, hey, I want some of that Like.
Speaker 1:And it's so crazy to me that sometimes we'll hear all the time like oh, you're a lot nicer now than you were in high school. I was like I didn't know I was rude in high school. Like I've always thought I was the same person. But as Eric and I have grown in this business and he's brought more people into our fold and you know it's old people that we used to know and they're like you're a lot different I'm like maybe that's just this new light.
Speaker 1:It's definitely God, it's God, it's God shining through me, and nothing gives me more joy than when Eric and I are sitting down reading our Bibles in the morning, and we've made it a habit that we try to go through the same chapter at a time and we'll drink our coffee and then we'll discuss it. But then our kids get up and they grab their Bibles and Cain comes out and starts opening up his own chapter and Claire's singing worship music in the back, and the baby is singing too.
Speaker 1:She doesn't know what she's singing, but she's seeing it and that has filled me with more light and more hope than anything could have ever and that you know. A lot of that propelling that was my dad getting sober. So maybe my dad not taking those steps, I know we would be where we're at now, but maybe not at this time period.
Speaker 2:I'd have been dead. Yeah, no, that's a true fact, that's. You can tell me.
Speaker 3:you always tell when I hear the story yeah for all of us, and there's a certain you know as it comes to a close.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I, I, you know there's, I think, two things that you know when miranda talks about, you know, well, just come, you know that drive home for Katie. That just the thought of that.
Speaker 1:And you know what's funny, dad, I had a conversation with her earlier today because I was just trying to get timeline and I honestly think she had forgotten about it, because I brought it back up and she was like oh, she probably blocked that. Oh, her face was like.
Speaker 3:Our wives block all kinds of stuff. Yeah, her face was like and they don't want to relieve that shit, no, but yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2:You know it's, it's healing for me and you know what? Do you think, miranda? Is this good for you?
Speaker 1:Oh God, yeah, and I think that's why. Not that I was stressed about it, but when I had the conversation with Rob, the he's like no, he's like I'll call you in a little bit, I'm working. And then we were playing phone tag because I was seeing some patients and when I finally got back to him I'm like listen, I know this is a conversation that I need to have, but I want to do it so respectfully. Not only respectfully to my dad, but respectful to my husband and what we've been through.
Speaker 3:And you handled it beautifully. Thank you, absolutely, absolutely. I just you handled it beautifully.
Speaker 1:Thank you, absolutely, absolutely. I just love you. Two are the most important men in my life, and god, obviously. God, eric and larry, are the most important people in my life and I me. I just always want to pay you guys the most respect and that's why I was asking, rob, like please guide me on doing this, but make it so it doesn't seem like a therapy session, but that we.
Speaker 2:But it is kind of no, it is, it is therapeutic, but you handled it perfectly. I said this earlier, in the very beginning, in the video that you and I did that I'm going to be posting here pretty soon. That it's just God works through this. Rob and I had talked about doing these, these podcasts, having my daughters on, and then the daughters were like we can't do it together, you know.
Speaker 3:Then wait, which you know, which was great, which was probably the best.
Speaker 2:And then you know katie's working, you know, you know she's gonna make it. She's. She's struggling with it a little bit too, you know she's. You know there's a lot. And then you know it's just I don't even know where the fuck I was going just now. I just I knew that this was going to be very healing. And when I spoke to you know, it came up again here just a few days ago, prior to this, that you know that I felt guilty about this and I'm like, for god's sakes, no, please. And then I didn't the the thought of the shit I did, making the people that I love feel guilty about what I was going through.
Speaker 3:I'm just, I didn't want that thing that they had something that they think that they were we've done. Did we cause this? Did we bring this? Yeah, they're at fault that that they had something that they think that they were.
Speaker 2:Did we cause this? Yeah, they're at fault that, that they're at fault for my alcoholism, and I'm like fuck, no, you know, god damn it, I didn't want that, I don't want that. But we caused it, we did. And I hadn't heard that until recently, right till this. We started doing these podcasts right after mckenna's holy shit, the.
Speaker 3:The family conversations are completely different yeah there's been a lot of other internal conversations and you know that, besides what's on here, that have brought a bunch of shit out which is good, because from just from outside, looking in, just from what I've listened to, you know the shepherd family, especially the fab four. You know growing up strong family, great, great, great. Then they had this, and now, where it can go from here is going to be even better you know, I mean, it's just I can't even the core forms by the core for core for I can't even imagine a day without what I have right now.
Speaker 2:Right, what I have right now.
Speaker 3:And I don't know any men that don't appreciate.
Speaker 2:No, I mean they do.
Speaker 3:but you appreciate it as much as any man can, what you have, which God's giving you back.
Speaker 2:Some days I'll be just driving and the gratitude will just overwhelm me of what God has given back to me, just by getting through those steps and turning all my care and all my wills over to the care of God, just saying take this, I don't Take it. Show me what you want me to do. Guide me in how you want me to do this. Guide me in how you want me to go and deal and work through with Miranda. Guide me how you want me to work with Katie. Guide me how you, you know, and just these, work in amends that I'm and we still don't do it perfectly, we don't.
Speaker 3:I'm horrible at it. There's still a lot of grace that needs to be, and I Miranda said this earlier.
Speaker 2:I say some crazy ass shit and I don't mean it, but fuck, it comes into my head and it comes out my mouth. There's not a lot of filter up there, right, but you're getting better. No, no, I'm not. I mean I a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, but I mean I, I don't you know whatever, I'm going down another rabbit hole. But I mean, you know, it's just like I said, going back to what you know, those those being able to forgive yourself. You know, it's just like I said, going back to what you know, those those being able to forgive yourself. Right, you know that conversation still vivid.
Speaker 2:I was turning the corner right down here when I was having that conversation with Rob and I'm like, you know, I just got back from from Roseville doing amends with with my old boss and I'm like I don't know how and I, in my mind, I'm like I fucking hate myself, I, I'm mad at myself for the shit. And Rob, I just remember Rob is like Larry, you that's a, you got to do a living amends for yourself. And I'm like, okay, I it made sense and working through this with McKenna, that now, miranda, it's just like this is. This is ongoing. You know that those always, always ongoing.
Speaker 2:You know you just said the other day that something popped up that you hadn't thought of in a long time, and you know it's just. You know, does it hurt? Yep, it hurts. There was a guy speaking this morning had 20 years of sobriety. He still gets emotional when he talks about some of the shit that he did to his wife. And it's like he still gets emotional when he talks about some of the shit that he did to his wife and it's like, yeah, you know, if you don't, if it's not emotional anymore, then that means maybe, maybe you don't remember it Right. And uh, you know, you know these guys make fun of me now because they I cry on the drop of a hat. Right, it doesn't take much.
Speaker 1:That's not new, I just like to have that.
Speaker 2:Well, you know I've always been a sensitive, soft person. I mean, I just turned to a fucking asshole, you know. Going back to what I was, you know, talking about, you know, katie, that if they would have known the amount of thought processes that were going through my head to keep myself from killing myself, things probably would have been a little bit different, because I didn't even realize that until Miranda just said it, that I was going through it and they were thinking it, and that's scary to think about that, that I was that far, that I was that far, the barn that far the barn on the turn right I was so far that my inward thoughts were starting to come outward, that people could see that that's scary.
Speaker 3:Right I had a gun in my hand in early sobriety. Wow, brutal, painful. When you start feeling these things, you're for me, uh, one in the morning, about three in the morning, where see, I never had that, rob.
Speaker 3:I've heard you guys talk that well, that's why I've never had that if the night terrors right, whatever those, when the emotions come on because you haven't felt. For if you haven't allowed yourself to feel right for years and then it won right one to three in the morning, that's when the shit that you haven't allowed yourself to feel right for years and then it won right one to three in the morning, that's when the shit that you didn't want to feel yeah and I don't. I think for me because for me.
Speaker 2:I think because I wear my heart so far out on my sleeve that I I didn't care who I, I dumped it out that the cash register at the store. I just would let it out. I never had that night terror because when I started dumping it fucking came.
Speaker 3:I didn't care who was listening. Jay had got it, you know.
Speaker 2:But it was still it was just I never had those hard times it already survived I never.
Speaker 3:That's why I tell my guys what I tell you right. I don't care what time the night yeah, call me.
Speaker 2:I didn't have that, I didn't have that available to me once again I didn't have that, because when chris broke open, I fucking spewed.
Speaker 3:I just was guided to Christmas.
Speaker 2:Remember my chicken died right, I had more shit, right, no, I had I just what was her? Name Abigail. Anyways you know I I'm Miranda. I can't uh thank you for this. I can't. That was awesome. I can't un uh thank you for this.
Speaker 3:I can't.
Speaker 2:that was awesome I can't unbreak um what was broken right I. I can tell you that that wasn't. That never was your fault, never.
Speaker 2:I know that that because you are others because you are my child and because we think so much alike, I know that that doesn't solve, that doesn't take that away and only time will take that from you. We have to work through those things the way you and I think we have to work through those things in our own way, but let it the fuck go. I think we have to work through those things in our own way, but let it the fuck go, I promise you, because it wasn't what spewed from my mouth. It was not anything you did. It was the pure weakness of me running to a bottle to solve something that wasn't going to go away with alcohol. It wasn't going to go away. It didn't go away with alcohol, it didn't. It went away because you and Eric turned your faith to God and it subsided that tension that was here and inside the home and inside the home. But at that point my addiction was so far gone that it katie and i's the. The tension in the house was never katie or never the brandon eric.
Speaker 2:The tension was more my alcohol than it was oh yeah, anything else, oh Right, and never, ever was it anybody's fault, anybody's but mine, mine and mine alone. Nobody. Nobody put that bottle in my mouth, nobody. That was all me. I own that shit, own it. Do you love your daughter? Oh my God, that shit. Own it and you love your daughter.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, thank you. I think for me it was again, because I will take anybody's burden and take it on. I got strong shoulders, we do?
Speaker 1:I think that for a long time.
Speaker 1:It was if I could hold that burden for you for a little while and be the catalyst that caused that, and you would come around and I would get that apology that I that I wanted and that I needed and that I could hold on to it.
Speaker 1:And I think when you guys have suggested that I come to do the podcast, I was like I'm gonna have to let that go to be able to move forward, because it's never, was never something that you brought up on your own and that that's what I was talking to rob. I was like, listen, like I waited a long damn time for that event and when I got it, like it was not brought up and you know, it was kind of more like hey, we got to do this before the wedding so I can get it off my chest, so I can be clear of mind at the wedding and I was like this, that's it, where was I, motherfucker? And so I remember calling Eric after him and being like he didn't apologize for blaming me, like blaming us for his addiction. And when I was talking to Rob about it, rob was like Rand, I don't think he remembers.
Speaker 3:It was on the step. I know he does it because it wasn't on the step work. I know he does it because it wasn't in the step work. Larry holds nothing back. No.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I just wish, like I told you, being molested didn't come up for me. I mean, we bury some shit so deep or don't even remember because we're fucking Hurtful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is such a hurtful thing to say. There is no way that this guy would ever lay that kind of burden on my daughters or my wife. Would I ever lay that burden on you guys Ever? That's just not.
Speaker 1:It's a heavy one to carry outside that is not something for you guys to carry.
Speaker 2:That's me. I'm the one that picked that bottle up. I'm the one that put that shit in my body. I'm the one that became dependent on alcohol Me.
Speaker 3:Me. But until that ownership's taken which at that time it wasn't the family that loves us carries it for us. Oh yeah, because of that, love Right, even though it wasn't theirs to carry, right, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I can't, I can't, yeah, I can't go back and I can't put that toothpaste back in the tube. I can't, I can't, I can't hate myself for it, I can't be mad about it, I can't, I turn it over. That's. All I can do is turn that over and I will continue to turn that stuff over when it pops up. You know, your mom and I have a lot of conversations that still happen and I have to stop and go wow, oh, you know, some of the stuff that her and I talk about is just a to this day I still, and you know what?
Speaker 3:But the good thing, about it is we can have this, and because you're so is just to this day, I still, and you know what? But the good thing about it is we can have this, and because you're sober, grandbabies, I mean, the gratitude comes right back. Yeah, yeah, that happened. It sucks, let's have it. But look where we are now.
Speaker 1:Look what.
Speaker 3:God has done now and continues to do.
Speaker 1:A thousand percent.
Speaker 3:Yep.
Speaker 2:This is where so funny you say that my boss has been giving me shit for saying a thousand percent well, you guys, both daughters say it all the time and it's just uh.
Speaker 2:So yeah, you know, the one of my daughters that I've and I've said this from since I got sober, you've heard me say that the one I worry about the most of this fucking disease going downhill, or just the isms, just the isms is my Miranda, because she is just so much like me that we hold it, we carry it, we fucking blame ourselves, we just internalize every fucking thing and the shitty committee between our ears is just they don't make sense and it's all our fault. It's all our fault, it's what we did, and the fear of losing something that means so much to us scares the shit out of us that we fight even harder to keep it. And it's miserable, it's fucking miserable, and the steps allowed me to let that the fuck go.
Speaker 3:Well, it gives us tools when it comes of how to let more go when it comes up on us and how to deal with these things.
Speaker 2:And they crop up. I got steps for you, jesus Christ.
Speaker 1:You know what's helped me a lot with that is I was reading in the Bible when Jesus said the 40 days, his fast of 40 days, and the devil was tempting him, tempting him so heavy, and he said, get behind me, devil. Yep, get behind me. I can't tell you how many times in a day that I not only minister to myself but minister to my sister-in-laws or other people that I talk to who are really struggling with self-doubt or imposter syndrome or, you know, negative negativity towards themselves. I let them know to that and I tell myself on the regular these negative feelings that you have in this negative self-talk, that is not from God.
Speaker 1:That is never ever the devil and that is from in you. When you allow that into your head and you allow that into your heart, you have to. I will literally be driving and be like get behind me, devil, because it is so. This is so not for me that I know that all these positive things that are happening in my life, that are happening in my family's life, that are happening in my kids, that it is.
Speaker 3:It's pissing somebody off.
Speaker 1:It's pissing somebody off and he does not. He does not want to be happy. He comes harder.
Speaker 3:He comes so much harder and like I had you and I want you back.
Speaker 1:Yes, and it's like good sir, please get behind me, I don't have the time for this today. I got, oh, I got a lot of things to do so and for me that has been so unbelievably powerful and just powerful for my mind to like you're doing good. Eradicate it.
Speaker 2:That right she's saying. Right, there is our serenity prayer. Yeah, god grant me, she's doing good.
Speaker 3:No, but if you ever want to go deeper, oh my God, some steps. She's doing it, but you're doing good, I love it.
Speaker 2:All right, sis, I fucking love you more than I can even explain. Say show my heart for both my girls, Not, I mean, you know.
Speaker 3:Let me ask you a question because I'm not there yet my kids I get 20, 23. No families, yet no marriages. What does it feel like? I mean? Because the goal of a parent, as you know, to see your kids grow and get to a certain point, have family and be stable, great human beings.
Speaker 2:You've got two stable great children. I think the joy which does not come by accident.
Speaker 3:They don't happen by accident.
Speaker 2:No, and I think one of my greatest joys in life is my two son-in-laws.
Speaker 3:Well, yeah, you've said that, I mean yeah.
Speaker 2:Talk to me about that. What do you mean? Um, because the joy that I know that my daughters we raised katie and I raised them to have very strong men around them. Right, eric and pat are the two most incredible men I could have ever. I couldn't have handpicked them better.
Speaker 2:Eric is a huge supporter of Miranda. Patrick is a huge supporter of McKenna. They cling to each other, they, they, um, accentuate each other. They, they just everything. They're just perfect together. And I, just as a father and as a mother, you can't you, you tell you until it happens to you and you see it and you can appreciate it. Eric is by far a hero of mine. Just to see what he's gone through, to watch Pat go through what he's gone through to get to where they're at, it's just, it's. So, yeah, my greatest joys in life are those two men for taking care of my ladies and that you couldn't have asked for two better men than those two guys. They're amazing and, like I said, it's the greatest joy in my life to go. My girls are going to be okay. You know, that's what I'm talking about hopefully I get to that spot my kids are going to be okay but I'm just not there yet.
Speaker 2:You're just further down the road and it's just Eric, to watch him with my girls and to watch him with my grandson and just to watch him be the man he is, is just. You couldn't have drawn on a fucking postcard a man better than him. Right, and it's just. But it takes hard times to build strong men, oh my God. What? And it's just, but it takes hard times to build. Oh my god, the you know what we've all gone through as a family.
Speaker 3:You know, you, you know so that's why these times are we're supposed to enjoy lord.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're supposed to enjoy these I think it's really important to especially. You know, we live in a generation now where it's like be a strong female, be a strong woman like no. I will happily be subservient to my husband. My husband is the head of our household. My husband will never lead us astray. And if he leads us astray then I know that he is going to find us a solution to get out of it. And if he says this is the direction in which we are going to go, I'm going to trust and believe that we're going to be a thousand percent Okay On the other side, because our faith in God and God would never leave him astray, and I will if that man wants to open a jujitsu Academy you know what?
Speaker 2:To watch these two knuckleheads to to, to watch them make the decisions they've made over the last four years or three years. For, as a father, to sit back and go and cringe to to, to watch them do it and but know they're walking by the faith of god. It's like, okay, you know and they've, you know they've done. It's just incredible. It's just, and I can't wait to watch because, pat mckenna, you know they're getting ready to start their marriage together. I can't wait to watch that. You know Miranda's done with having kids. And now I tell Pat McKenna all right, motherfuckers, get going. I want more, you know. So, anyways, yeah, miranda, I love you. I love you more than, like I said, and if you want to reach out to Miranda, you want to talk recovery on filter podcast at gmailcom and miranda was the one that made me change that from yes she did.
Speaker 3:Yeah, all the changes she's made have been good. Now we got to get the, the toilet and the damn shirt, oh my god, please take those you sit on the toilet don't you sounds out my wife, even though they're true, yes, they are, but it was time to you know, everything has its time and we are coming up on it, brother. Yes, we are I.
Speaker 2:I got it on video and tape that that rob has agreed to come back and do another year with me. First year is almost done and I asked him to marry me for one more year and he's agreed to it. I can't, I can't go beyond that.
Speaker 3:I made him sign one more year and he's agreed to it. I can't, I can't, go beyond that.
Speaker 2:I made him sign one more year contract. So anyway, baby, I love you. We're going to jump on out of here. Love you guys. Bye. Thank you for joining us today. We hope you learned something today that will help you If you did not come back next week, and we'll try again.
Speaker 3:If you like what we heard, give us a five-star review. If you don't like what you heard, kiss my, you can't say that, can you? Anyway, if you don't like what you heard, go ahead and tell us that too. We'll see what we can improve. We probably won't change nothing, but do it anyway.
Speaker 2:Hey, thanks, rob. Come back next week and hopefully something will be different and something will sink in recovery unfiltered.