Recovery Unfiltered
Taking recovery discussion to a different level. Bringing comedy and the lighter side of sober living along with educating non-alcoholics and alcoholics. Hear real stories unfiltered.
Recovery Unfiltered
A Candid Journey Through Bulimia, Booze, And Belonging
A quiet prayer sets the tone, then the truth rushes in. We sit with Concetta as she maps a childhood of tight control and big love, school years tangled by dyslexia and undiagnosed ADHD, and a relentless need to be seen that bloomed into bulimia and blackout drinking. No melodrama, just the kind of detail you only share when you’re done hiding: raisins in the lunchbox while everyone else had Ding Dongs, a first drunk that turned into a public spectacle, and the way shame can feel like destiny when approval seems tied to your body and behavior.
College offered freedom without guardrails. She gamed the system, outdrank everyone, and used her eating disorder to extend the party. An arrest exposed cracks her family tried to plaster over with treatment aimed at food, not booze. A fast-track marriage checked every box on paper—older attorney, big wedding, picture-perfect home—but left her starving inside. Motherhood brought a pause, then the restlessness roared back: secret affairs, a devastating choice, and the slow collapse of boundaries that once felt unbreakable.
Then came the track. A racehorse named after her. A triple that hit. A pick six that nearly did. Gambling lit up the same circuits as alcohol and bulimia—risk, reward, attention, control—without the mess, until the mess caught up. Concetta’s candor is the point: how control and shame can incubate addiction, how smart people make impossible choices, and how honesty can start to pry open a way out. We end on a cliffhanger—twenty-six arrests and four counties of probation—with part two on the way.
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Let's go to the Lord. Heavenly Father, we thank you for this time, Father. We thank you for bringing Conchetta with us. We thank you for her reaching out. Father, let's take this time, Father, and let's reach a soul. Father, let's save somebody. Let's bring somebody to recovery. Let's save souls all around the world. Father, and with your power, with your grace, we can do that. Father, I ask that you sit with Rob and I as we work through this, work through this interview with Conchetta, that she is able to open up and help somebody. Father, we ask that you sit with Conchetta and you and you sit with her and you help her open her heart. Pour out everything she needs to and be as honest as possible. Father, we say these in your name.
SPEAKER_04:Amen.
SPEAKER_02:Let's go to work. Come on, Rob. Had to mix it up, brother.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. I did it.
SPEAKER_02:You notice they even got notes up here for us.
SPEAKER_01:I can't read that.
SPEAKER_02:You can't read that.
SPEAKER_01:Hi, Rob. Hi. Remember to give our email address. Oh, these are things for you to remember because you people don't know how to reach us.
SPEAKER_02:There. Here. So I tried to put show notes up here so we don't forget. Because every time we record, I forget. There's certain things we just can't forget. And one of them is remember to give our email. We I can't even tell you last time we said if you want to reach us, you can reach us at recoveryunfilterpodcast at gmail.com. What is that, Rob? Recoveryunfilterpodcast at gmail.com. That's right. Recoveryunfiltered podcast at gmail.
SPEAKER_01:Well, this young lady reached us. Did you but she must she came through the email? Okay. Yeah. She came through the email. Speaking of hot dogs, I see Frankfurters. Well, hold on a second.
SPEAKER_02:So remember these guys? Oh. Is that too loud? No.
SPEAKER_05:How did they do, by the way? Did they wait?
SPEAKER_02:So I actually just reached out. I reached out to the lead singer of this. Harbor Drive.
SPEAKER_00:Harbor Drive.
SPEAKER_02:Harbor Drive. I reached out to him right before this to find out if there's any um find out if there's any results yet. And he says, no, it will not. They will not get any results until Tuesday, which is like the 22nd. And this will drop on the 23rd. So we won't have any results, but we will try to have Mary put something out on our on our Instagram as soon as we know because I I don't know how many of our listeners voted. But I mean we've been pushing it pretty hard. Like I said, he uh he was a huge support for us, and I I just want to give him every every opportunity we can, right? He helped to get this platform up and running, and I want to make sure we we do everything we can for him. You know, the other thing that um I've been saying that we need to remind me of is you know, we have a bunch of different countries that listen in and pop in, but we have one that listens to almost every episode, and I would love for this person to reach out for us because, like I said, they listen to every episode. And I'm gonna try my best to pronounce this. You're gonna mess this up. Okay, can you hear me? I can't hear you. Yeah, I'm completely. I think I got you both turned down.
SPEAKER_01:I can't work like this.
SPEAKER_02:You want to come and work this board? No, I don't. You're more than welcome to come over, A-hole. So now we're loud.
SPEAKER_01:Frankfurt, Frankfurt am Inn. Turn it down. Okay. Okay, what do we okay? Let's go back. We have someone in Germany. We have somebody in Germany. Frankfurt, Germany, apparently. You pronounce it.
SPEAKER_02:Frankfurt and Maine.
SPEAKER_01:That's the place? Frank, I've heard of Frank.
SPEAKER_02:I think that's the country.
SPEAKER_01:Well, for Germany's the country. Germany's the country.
SPEAKER_02:That's the state. Or yes. Hess. Hesi, would you pronounce that? Hesse. Yeah. I don't know. I'm sure our listeners will uh will correct us on that. Yeah, we're gonna need correction on that one. But hey, that list that's also almost every episode, and I would love to talk to them. I don't know if they're German. I don't know if they're there on the military. I don't know. Do you know for male or female? No idea. No idea. That doesn't give me all that.
SPEAKER_01:Recoveryunfiltered podcast at gmail.com. There you go. Out of boy, Rob. Our German listener, please uh contact us.
SPEAKER_05:I will let you know that he will respond very quickly. It took him literally two minutes to get back to me.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I do. If it comes through the email and doesn't come through um the the fan mail on on Buzz Sprout, I I can respond almost instantly because I can see it. When it comes through Buzz Sprout, I don't I don't see it as well. So Mary is not sitting in with us today. She had a baby shower to attend, and I didn't want to miss the schedule with Conchetta. And so I got my lovely wife sitting here doing doing the videos and taking the pictures. And she And coming up with questions. And she she will have some questions, I'm sure. She will get involved. You know the best thing about this is when we first started this this podcast, she wanted nothing to do, nothing to do with the microphone. Nothing.
SPEAKER_00:I resisted for a very long time.
SPEAKER_02:And then when I told her that Mary wasn't gonna be here, would she mind sitting in? She's like, no, not at all. So now she's excited. I'm in, and it's fun for her to be here. It took a year. It did. Yeah, because she was on episode 52, was her episode. And then after that, she's been it's been really easy for her. And I appreciate you, baby. Um, it's okay sitting in, and then we won yesterday. Again, we're six and one. Six and one.
SPEAKER_01:The only game we lost, Kinchetta, was the one I coached. And they won't let me live that down.
SPEAKER_00:The dates it was the day of our daughter's wedding, so Larry didn't coach that day. So this is baseball.
SPEAKER_02:This is flag football. Third and fourth grade flag football.
SPEAKER_05:Now your grandchildren?
SPEAKER_02:My grandson.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02:And Rob got roped into it by a friend of ours, and so he was the assistant coach. And then our our friend who volunteered to do the head coaching, he had something come up, and he so he asked me to do it, and I fought it, but I ended up doing it because it was my grandson. And honestly, I've had a blast. It except yesterday, and about the first four minutes of that game yesterday.
SPEAKER_01:You had to make amends, which I appreciate.
SPEAKER_02:I did, and I literally the old coach Shepard from high school football came out at me real quick.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:With those kids, they looked like they were like all still sleeping. And I'm like, what are we doing right now?
SPEAKER_05:Jumping jacks right now.
SPEAKER_02:I had to grab them and pull them to the side. I'm like, what are you guys doing? Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00:How old is this, by the way? Ten years old. Well, he has a very distinctive whistle. Oh, and he just kept whistling. Is he like this way? Whistle?
SPEAKER_02:No, just like just oh no, I can whistle right from my teeth. Yes, and it's super loud. Super loud.
SPEAKER_00:But our youngest and her husband had come to the game yesterday. They'd come back from their honeymoon and he was whistling, and she looked at me and she said, I have PTSD from that whistle. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_03:That is a riot.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and this and this is put on by my church. That's how I used to play before the flag football league. So it, you know, we pray before, they pray after, and all that stuff, and you've got him coaching, you know.
SPEAKER_05:So it's like you got a bunch of youth Christian boys that like playing football. That's beautiful.
SPEAKER_02:For sure. And it was one of those things.
SPEAKER_00:It really is a good league. You know, we've I I mean we've sat at baseball games that have been horrible. The parents are horrible, but everybody's happy to be there. Everybody's supportive. You could just tell that it's a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_02:It's a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_00:The morale, I guess you would say, of it is on that different level.
SPEAKER_05:Well, my grandson is in a he's three and he's in his first um t ball, you know, thing.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Where nobody knows. I mean, the the parents, like my son-in-law, is like on the base with him, and you know, they're hitting, and I'm like, how was he yesterday? He threw off his glove, he's not paying attention, he's running around.
SPEAKER_02:I'm like, that's a lot of fun though.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, that is a and we were just in Disneyland last week for three days, and that was a lot of fun for his third birthday. So yeah, my favorite place.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, we're gonna go back. So, and then I got some other news. So before we get into this, is I've been doing a lot of research on going to video, right? I've been doing a lot of research and I've been hesitating because I the equipment, I want to make sure it's right. I finally found a way that we can get the video on and be very inexpensive, cheaper than what I was originally looking at, but still have high quality. So I'm thinking by the time we record, because we're gonna record again in two weeks, by the time we record again, we you and I will be video, right? Our guests will still be able to determine whether they want to be on video or not, right? I can cut that video off if they don't want to be, but you and I will be on video, right? So all your arm pumps and all that clickbait that goes on, you will have the whole world watching you, Rob. You'll be on celebrity stack. Not about the whole role, but someone in Germany will get to see Pessy.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, Pessy will.
SPEAKER_02:That is so funny. So funny. So, hey, I got we have you're gonna have to pronounce your last name, Conchetta Bianco. Okay, then I got that wrong. Bianco.
SPEAKER_05:Okay, that must be your middle name, but I have to No, that was my Mary, my Mary name. Oh, and after I divorced husband number two, my parents were like, I think it's time that you go back to your your maiden name because I don't think there's gonna be any more weddings. So I was like, Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That's so funny. And your ex-husband drove you today.
SPEAKER_05:And my my ex-husband, he didn't drive because he's a new driver. He's from Argentina. Oh, wow. And so he uh literally just got his driver's license maybe five months ago. So he's like one of those guys that get in front of you and you're like, oh dude, uh-uh. No, get out of the road. So I'm like, he's like, I could drive you, and I'm like, yeah, we want to get there within a three-hour, not a six-hour period.
SPEAKER_02:He drives 50 in the number one lane.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, it's I mean, yeah, yeah, because he's scared, you know. He's 50. Um, how old is Rodrigo? He's 53 and never had a driver's license in this country, and he's been here 20 years.
SPEAKER_01:So that'd be intimidating.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, exactly. So yeah.
SPEAKER_02:So, anyways, tell us about yourself.
SPEAKER_05:I mean, let's see. So I grew up in Bakersville, California, which is a farming country.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_05:Um oil and agriculture is right. People be there Monday. Yeah, I'm so excited. I know I want to I want to get you my son-in-law's number. So maybe you guys are.
SPEAKER_02:I will be in touch with you when I get down there.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. Um, so yeah, I grew up uh, I'm I'm one of three girls. My dad had uh the benefit of having three daughters.
SPEAKER_02:No the filling. I'm in the middle.
SPEAKER_05:Middle of the filling. I am the middle daughter, I'm the middle child, and I am that typical. Oh, you're one of those. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Technical.
SPEAKER_02:We have one of those. Yeah. My name is Claire.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, well, maybe may Claire with a C, cancelled with a C. Maybe it's the C's like that don't work for middle children. I don't know, but yeah. Um, and I, you know, was brought up with two parents that um are devout Catholics and um were full Italian. So we do when you go to video, I would be like waving my hands a lot.
SPEAKER_01:Right. Um yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_05:And um so growing up was was pretty great in the sense that I always knew that I was loved. I didn't have any um severe trauma. I wasn't beaten on, I wasn't, but my parents um have their own set of issues, which is like control. Like, you know, my dad's a workaholic and my mom is a control freak, and everything has to be particular. She's very um anal about a lot of things, and she likes the nicest things, and she wants her daughters to look, you know, we all had matching outfits, and we all, you know, were she was that woman that would be driving us to church very prim and proper, and I would be the daughter that would be leaning out the window, like making faces at people, you know. You know, and it was like always, yeah, that's the scene, right? You know, it's like she had the three girls and that were always, you know, lockstep and doing the perfect thing. And I was the one being pinched in the pew at church. I was the one that was constantly moving around. I had a lot of energy as a child. My mom used to tell a story about how like I was um uh she had a friend that would pick at a certain age would pick us girls up to take us out for the afternoon. And she brought me back and she was all disheveled. Like she had, you know, looked like a wreck, this woman that is normally every hair is in place and you know, completely disheveled and said, never again, you know. I was like under the racks of clothes, moving the racks around, you know, swinging everything. And from the time that I was little, I just had that restless, irritable, and discontent, you know, not and and because I had a different energy than a lot of other kids, um, I felt like my mom um was always trying to tell me to be quiet and not be myself, you know. And so at an early age, it was like, okay, it's not okay to be me. And then I brought that to school and I had that same experience where I was very hyper and uh, you know, wanted to be the center of attention for some reason, and I would get rejected from the girls around me or whatever. And so I had this underlying self-worth issue, like I'm not good enough being conchetta. And so that that has always played in my life. And then I was an at but I was an athlete and I I was horrible at school. You guys, I had a learning disability, so I had dyslexia and probably ADD, but they did not have a diagnosis for ADD.
SPEAKER_02:That's something new. Last probably 15, 20 years.
SPEAKER_05:Right, exactly. And so they didn't know what to do with me. So I would always be in private schools and my parent, I would always be in like the level three reading group. So I couldn't comprehend what I read. I would read words, I would get thrown off by a word that didn't make sense, and then I didn't, I lost anything that would I that I had read before. And also the only way that I could read and comprehend anything is to read out loud, but that's not okay.
SPEAKER_01:My wife's the same way.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, that's that wasn't okay and acceptable to do that. So they didn't have support for people that had learning disabilities. Instead, they just thought you were dumb. And so I also had that stigma of like, I'm all the girls that I was friends with were always in like not accelerated classes, but they were always doing well academically. And I was the one that was getting sent home the report card, take this home to your parents and have them sign it. You know, and so I learned at a very early age how to manipulate the system. I would either take something and change it. Like I at an early age, I learned how to lie and manipulate to be okay. You know, and so what brought on, what was brought on by that was shame. So I had shame at an at a really early age because, like I said, I grew up with this Catholic family, and you hear about Jesus, and I'm in C C D school, and you know, you hear about the commandments and you hear about all these things, and I'm like, oh my God, I'm such a bad person. And so I had this underlying I am really bad. And so what do bad kids do? They behave badly.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:So so yeah, so I think that's what was expected of you at that point, right? Of course, of course. Like, you know, I have so much compassion now looking back for that kid. And my grandson is kind of going through it right now. They are calling us from school saying that he's having some behavioral issues, and I'm just like Do you recognize you recognize the similarities? Yeah, I do. I absolutely do. It's um, I feel like it's some anxiety of trying to fit in, not understanding exactly how to behave. And so he's pushing and he's shoving, you know, and he's not understanding, and then he's hugging, so he's like in that confusion state. And I feel like that's how I was. He is, he's big for his age.
SPEAKER_02:That was me. Yeah, that was me. I didn't know how to act. I was just I I towered over everybody around me. He does too. I just felt like a big dummy because I was so much bigger than when we were in school, when we were in school, yeah, 80s.
SPEAKER_01:You could you could do more so that you know, like the hugging and and the physicality, right? But now they shun that altogether. They do.
SPEAKER_02:Well, they shun the punching in the head. Yeah, I kind of got in trouble for that a few times.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I'm just saying. No, but they but now kind of shunned back then. They do all the time I tried to hug him when I picked him up, but it didn't help. I still got suspended.
SPEAKER_05:Well, yeah, my my my grandson basically knocked down the whole line of kids waiting for the bat, you know, online for the bathroom. Right. And he looks like he's a five, like he can he can go on all the rides. Like he's four uh over, you know, 40, you know, the whatever the 42 inches, he can get on all the rides, but he doesn't have the brain to understand waiting in line. So he wants to not wait in line and he gets frustrated with lines. Yeah, so it's that, you know, when you're bigger, yeah, it's hard, right? It's hard. So um, so yeah, going back to me. So I excelled in sports, and you know, where the girls didn't really like sports, you know, I wasn't the one that was playing with the dolls, I was the one that wanted to play with the balls.
SPEAKER_02:And I'm not talking about man, I had a lot of comebacks for that one.
SPEAKER_05:I know, I know. I I I was like cringe in thinking of that.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you for cutting them up because I'm so I was I was like, oh, this is not good. This is not good. Yeah. What when Larry and I were both athletes, what's your sportive choice?
SPEAKER_05:So um I did everything. So I I basically started out with volleyball, tennis, softball, basketball. I did them all and I ran track. And then I skied. My favorite was volleyball, which is funny because I was short, right? But I was a setter and I'm a I'm a scrapper. So I'll die for everything. Same with tennis. Like tennis was my best sport, the sport that I excelled at the the most, and I didn't like it because I grew up playing in country club tournaments and I would kick everybody's butt. Don't, you know, pardon my French. I was always undefeated. But what it wasn't something, it was something I was naturally great at, but it wasn't something that I loved doing. Like I loved playing softball. Um, you know, I loved, I loved all the things of boys sports. I mean, what that's what I got for Christmas one year. It was like every type of ball that you can think of, and then a set of skis, you know, and I'd been skiing since I was five too. So I'm I'm, you know, one of those those kids that grew up on skis. But um, yeah, so I excelled at sports. And so therefore my I was more I had more guy friends than anything. And um, you know, I I didn't have it wasn't that I of course we have crushes on guys or whatever, but it wasn't something it wasn't that way. It was more like they were my that's who I gelled with better.
SPEAKER_02:Our oldest, our youngest was that way. Yeah. She got along with guys but way better than she did with the girls.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. I always had guy friends, like even in high school, like they would all get drunk or whatever, and after afterwards they would come over, and my mom and I would make them food at nighttime, and you know, whether we would play.
SPEAKER_01:Can you imagine that food? Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Imagine. It was, it was fun. And uh, and so I I just always got along with guys. But yeah, so but but what happened was um academically, you cannot play sports if your academics are not up.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_05:And I had a very, very difficult time, especially when I got into high school, of like, oh my God, like how am I gonna do this? And how am I gonna master keeping my grades up to a 2-0 and be able to play sports, which is where I feel comfortable. And so it was all about manipulation and cheating. I cheated on everything. I flirted with the guys, I learned how to get the homework, I learned how to get the the, you know, can you move over so I can see your your test so I can copy it? Because I couldn't like I literally legitimate tried to read the assignment and understand what that assignment was, but I absolutely could not. I would read something and I would not understand or comprehend anything. So then it was like, why waste my time doing that? So I just learned how to navigate a world of manipulation and lying. And, you know, I remember um my sophomore year, they uh my teacher, one of my teachers caught it um and invited my parents into the office and said, Your daughter has a reading level of a seventh grader. And I probably it probably wasn't even that high. I think she was being nice. That was being generous, yeah. So I um, you know, again, shame, guilt, the whole thing. And through that, um, growing up also, I think managing my ADD, the thing that I was addicted to was sugar. So I was self-medicating my ADD, right? They give kids Ritalin, right? I was doing it with sugar.
SPEAKER_02:And my mother and you noticed that's what it was doing, was calming you down?
SPEAKER_05:I mean, I don't think so.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, oh.
SPEAKER_05:I just was uh it was something that I was addicted to. Like so my mother was such a health nut. My mother is so you guys so anal. I'd be the one that is literally getting raisins in my lunch when everybody else around me has ding-dongs.
SPEAKER_02:You were that mom.
SPEAKER_05:I was that mom. And and and this is way back when. This is before anybody should have before the allergy stuff. No, yeah, be well, just before anybody w had awareness of not to give your kids sugar. My mother is comes from New York. My parents were born in New York, and so my mother was into fashion and looking good and being thin and did not want fat children and didn't want unhealthy children. And I was built, so my mother is very elegant and thin. If you think of like um, oh my god, um, what's her name in Tiff Breakfast at Tiffany's? Um Audrey Hepborn. Audrey Hepborn. My mother is a vision like Audrey Hepburn in yes, absolutely stunning, um, very thin. And my dad is um is a bigger man. And so she and all his family was bigger. And so my mother thought that I favored him body-wise, and so she was always constantly worried about me.
SPEAKER_01:So no junk food.
SPEAKER_05:No, well, no junk food in any in her home, period, but no junk food for me for sure.
SPEAKER_03:Sure.
SPEAKER_05:And so when I was in grade school, I came home and I started crying because the boys were calling me bubble butt. And, you know, and I was like, you know, everybody's teasing me. And so this was in seventh grade, and so she's like, okay, well, we're not gonna have that. So she had me get a I had a gym membership and I was I was being weighed, and I was like, okay, if you don't want to She was weighing you, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Like on a daily or weekly?
SPEAKER_05:No, on a daily, on a daily, because she thought that I was gonna get ridiculed, and so in her mind, she or she had a heavy mother. She did not want that for her child.
SPEAKER_01:She didn't want that, like but she's already gonna give you a body just more, yeah. Just by what she was doing, but she didn't, but in her mind, she's doing the right thing.
SPEAKER_05:In her mind, she didn't know any other way.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_05:She was a control freak, like I said. So she expected. She's still that way. Love my mom, 88. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02:You might as well just said yes.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That answer was.
SPEAKER_05:I I love her, but yes, absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:I mean, it's I guess that's something you can't.
SPEAKER_05:Well, uh She has never, um let me tell you something. My parents, neither one of them have I seen drunk. I've never seen my mother. She my mother will have a glass of wine and like this much is gone, you know, and she's Italian and she doesn't overeat, she does, she exercises, she works with the train, she is very, very disciplined, very controlled. Every single thing. She's never smoked a cigarette, never taken a drug. My dad's never taken drugs, you know, they just don't understand it, right? And so they have this daughter that is like, oh my god. And I am literally stealing change, money, or whatever, and I'm riding my bike to 7-Eleven to get candy. And so I'm doing that behavior.
SPEAKER_01:Because you damn sure can't trade raisins for Noah.
SPEAKER_05:No, well, I I mean, I got in trouble for that too, guys. So I was at school and I had this kid, and you uh we'll say slow because Larry and I, I think we talked one day, and you said you can't use that word anymore.
SPEAKER_02:I can't use no, I got Katie's cousin. She she calls me every time and goes, Larry, you said retard again. Yeah, yeah. What you said it again. Retard means it's just set back. Yeah, that's just what that means.
SPEAKER_01:It's actually an automotive term.
SPEAKER_02:That's right.
SPEAKER_01:That's what you do to a motor.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. If I'd have finished the whole word, then it would not have been good. Add an ED to it, yeah. Don't do that. But I just said retard.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, good.
SPEAKER_05:Well, I had one of those um slower kids. No, Michael. And it was slower than my mother.
SPEAKER_01:My mother would say, baby, my she when I'd come home, I'd be complaining about one of those kids, and baby, he's he's touched.
SPEAKER_05:He's touched. That's cute.
SPEAKER_01:So that's what she would say. He's touched.
SPEAKER_05:He's special.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Well, my, well, my, well, my guy was um, you know, so sweet, but he was very, very slow. And he was um, in those days, that's what they called him, you know. And um, and so he would have always had the ding dong. And so when my when they had open house, my mom comes and um Mrs. Armstrong tells my mom, yo, your daughter's so cute. She trades her raisins for my Sean's Ding dongs every day.
SPEAKER_02:You know, wow, that sounded bad too. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Jesus.
SPEAKER_02:Good grief, Larry.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god, Larry, you're such a riot. But as it's exiting my mouth, I'm thinking, this is a Larry is gonna take it. Hey, but hold on.
SPEAKER_01:Can we have it aside real quick? Uh-huh when it talks about the hostess, right? The ding dong should be called the ho-ho, and the ho-ho should be called the ding dong because of the shape.
SPEAKER_04:That's true. That's true.
SPEAKER_01:Come on, go ahead. Now we're back. So you're trading rude. I've always thought that as a kid.
SPEAKER_00:So yeah, so I something that's been weighing on his mind for 40 years.
SPEAKER_05:So yeah, I was I was like always getting in trouble for doing stuff like that. What did your mom say to that? My mom was uh furious, of course, with me. I was always getting into trouble. Always. I mean, I remember that I was um I was walking around the classroom one time and I had to pick up all the all the papers uh but the tests, and I took one of my good friends' tests who got an A, like I knew all the answers were right, and I crossed her name out, put my name on the test, put her name on the other one. And of course, like that's gonna get found. Of course, of course, the person, of course, Caroline Floor that has straight A's isn't all of a sudden getting F's and you're getting an A. But to me, that made perfectly good sense of what to do.
SPEAKER_02:Insanity.
SPEAKER_05:Insanity, right? And I have that in sixth grade, you guys. So yeah. So then when I went to um high school and my teacher, going back to that story, called my parents in um and told them about my reading disability, um, you know, then they were like, Oh, oh my gosh, you know, they never, I will say this, as controlled as my parents were and like um, you know, really strove for for you to be an excellence, they didn't really worry about my academics as much because they knew I wasn't an academic. Like my older sister Dominique, she was absolutely brilliant, always got A's, was that meek smile, quiet child, you know, in ballet, you know, that was very um yeah, you know, she was just like she always did what she was supposed to do.
SPEAKER_02:Were you mean to her?
SPEAKER_05:She was mean to me. Okay, she was mean to me. She bullied me. She bullied me because we were five years younger.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, well I was gonna ask what the age difference is between.
SPEAKER_05:So there's four and a half, sometimes five years, you know, depending on what time of year it is. And with my younger sister, there's seven years. So we all were almost like only children. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Really, yeah. Yeah. My daughters are. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:So we were almost like we were only children. So when I, my my sister used to have absolutely um, I was that bratty kid that wanted to do everything with her, right? I wanted to be with her. I wanted to wear it. Yeah. We're going we're we're in the same, we went to a a school, a private school that was kindergarten through eighth grade. So you can imagine she's five years older, right? And I want to wear the matching outfits. So I go to my mom, and my sister is absolutely I don't want to wear the matching dresses. I don't, because she's probably getting teased, right? From her people. And I'm like, and my sister was like that kid that just anything that she did, she felt I was a thorn in her side. Like I would go to my mom and go, Mom, can we have, you know, um poached eggs today? Because I knew she hated the eggs, you know. But she was beating me the day before.
SPEAKER_01:So I'm like, okay, that's your way to get back.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my God. I I'm like, can we have those? And my mother would make my sister sit there until the runny egg was in her mouth and like down, and then she would get spanking on the way to the bus because she'd be late, you know, type of thing. So then I would get beat more, I'd be put in a corner and like punched on until she went away to college and I turned around and I was running from her, and I'm now in high school and she's in college, and I turned around, planted, planted, and socked her right in the face, knocked her down. And that was the end of that. That never happened again. So I was like, what the hell am I running for? Uh-uh.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:So anyway, yeah. Um, so when my when I was in uh that high school, I literally cheated on everything that I could find just so I could play sports. Like I I didn't matter, and I don't even know how I graduated, but I did graduate. And on in my set in my junior year, I started to uh a friend of mine had an eating disorder and started was anorexic. And so um I was an eater. I Like to eat. I was kind of gaining weight, especially with hiding the sugar that I was hiding. And every time I would gain weight, my mother would ground me. And so she would take my car away and you have to ride your bike to school. And so there was this whole thing of like, um, if I was, if I was thinner, I would get more things. So the reward was that I'm not lovable at the weight I'm at, that there is a transactional with weight, with, you know, with love. Like I'm not okay. Uh if I won't be loved if I don't look like this. That was the story that I made up. Of course, that's not what she was saying, but that's what I felt. And so there was constant fighting with my mom and my dad. Like my mother was like, I don't want her to be, you know, she would cry in the room at night and I would come by her room and I remember hearing her cry. And so I would get in my room and I would like run all night long and get on the scale and make sure that I was gonna hit this hit the number that I needed to hit in the morning for her, you know. And so I had this all this anxiety and stress. And so I Which is hate which we know now through your, you know, the cortisol and your fat, which is the fat hormone, all that stress was just fighting against you as well as Oh, I mean, she sometimes would, I mean, it happened on occasion where I would she would be in her car and sh I would be running outside, you know, and she would it was it was a punishment. And she didn't know, like she was so confused on what to do because every time she would put some support my way to help me with my weight stuff, I would be the person that was um going and stealing candy or you know, sabotaging it, you know, and she just did not know what to do. And it was wigging her out, and so that would wig my dad out, and my dad and her would constantly fight, you know, and so then I was that person that was causing them to fight. And so the the story that I created was that I am a pro I am such a problem.
SPEAKER_01:You can't you can't do anything right now, nowhere.
SPEAKER_05:No, I felt horrible, horrible inside. I felt horrible for the confusion that I was creating, I felt horrible for the discord that I was creating. My older sister, there was always fighting around me, and she hated it. And my younger sister was kind of hiding, you know, because she was so young. She didn't want to be like she was a hider, you know, she was like the lost child.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:And so um, yeah, that just kept going on. And then when I got into high school and I, this girl told me that she was, I found out that she was throwing up her food and she was um a anorexic and bulimic. I'm like, okay, I was at that time in high school, um, when I was a junior, I was a cheerleader, it was the heaviest I'd ever I would ever be in my life.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, now let me ask you the heaviest you've ever been, which you're tiny.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:What weight are we? Well, I mean, just for the listeners, what kind of weight are we talking about? How much did you weigh? 120?
SPEAKER_05:I no, I 135. Oh, mercy. So tiny. I'm 5'2, but that was a lot. I got you for a high school kid, you know, for a high school girl.
SPEAKER_02:You and Rob are about the same height.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. Very funny. You're saying that's not true. Rob, that's not true. I think you're probably 5'8.
SPEAKER_01:7.
SPEAKER_05:Okay, well, see.
SPEAKER_01:With heels on.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01:No, my boots on. I think I'm 5'7 and a half with my cowboy boots on. I'm touching the sky.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. Might want to always always wear those. Maybe when you go to Disneyland, you might get yourself some lips so you can get on the ride.
SPEAKER_01:So you can get on the big boy rides.
SPEAKER_03:Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_01:Katie, I'm getting it from everywhere. This is bullshit.
SPEAKER_05:So, anyway, going back. Going back to the drama. I'm glad we can laugh.
SPEAKER_01:So you're a junior? So I'm junior. Congratulations. We're talking 82, 83.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. Well, I graduated in 82. So this is more like 81. 81. So um, my going into my senior year, I'm playing volley. I was playing volleyball, tennis, softball, and basketball all at the same time. And I didn't play, I I I wasn't scheduled to play tennis, but my tennis coach came to me and we were building out a our tennis team at Gars's as the uh the Catholic school that I went to. And she asked me, she said, Hey, we need you. Can you come and play? She goes, You don't have to come to any of the practices. You don't have, we just need you at the meets. Um, and this is for the school. And I was like, Okay, if you can square it away with my with my tennis, with my softball coach, who absolutely hated my mother.
unknown:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_05:My softball coach was so jealous of my mother. I don't know why she was, but she hated my mother. We had money. My mother came, you know, dressed to the tilt, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Did they go to school together or something? Or were they the same age?
SPEAKER_05:No, my mother comes from New York, but people did not like my mother. She just was very prim and proper. And um she didn't like her. But for whatever reason, she took it out on me.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:You know, so she but yeah, she needed something from me. But she needed something from me. So I was still on the softball team, but she wouldn't let me hit. Like she would say, You can't hit because you haven't, you know, you're you're the practices, so I wouldn't be at either practice because the meets were the opposite days. So on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'd have tennis matches, and that was my softball practice, and on Fridays and Mondays or whatever. So I was like, I'm doing something for the school that you know the they asked for, but yet you're punishing me, you know, for it. So anyway, that's kind of what my schedule looked like as far as my athleticism. Wow. And where I shined was I never lost a match my entire four years of playing. Actually, I did play for four years at at uh Gars' tennis. Um, and I ended up quitting softball just because it just wasn't because she was just being such a cow to me. You know, it was awful. Yeah. I mean, literally. And she, I mean, I was just like so devastated in how she was treating me. But anyway, she ended up, but we ended up going to the state championships, and I had one of my one of the other girls was also a she grew up a family friend of ours and she played on Wimbledon. So that's how how we were stacked. Like no one was gonna mess with us. We were completely undefeated and we did so well. And you know, it was really the time of my life where my dad and my relationship was so, even though it was so um hard because I was acting out, you know, I was acting out. I'm gonna kind of go back. I know I'm kind of jumping all over the place and I feel bad. My freshman year, I was taken out by the senior girls. And I, before I enter my freshman year, I'm 14. My sister is four, five years older than I was. She was in college. Her college friends come over and they're all drinking, right? And so I was like, I was always that kid that would like, you know, go, oh my God, how many beers is that or whatever? And the guy would go, oh, it's four or five. And she's and and I would go, never drank before in my life. Oh, that's ridiculous. I bet you I could drink you under the table. Like I was always and hadn't had a drink. Never had a drink, right? I would just like be that annoying kid, you know?
SPEAKER_02:And so at least you recognize that.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, of course I do. I was always challenging and competitive. I'm very competitive. And so my mom thought I would never want to drink, and so she said the she said, Oh, really? Do you want to try that? Which is so weird, you know. Hear my mom.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, it sounds sounds odd.
SPEAKER_05:It's very odd. Right. But she thought I'd teach her a lesson. She thought I would I would get sick, never drink again.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, the whole cigarette thing, make them smoke a whole package.
SPEAKER_05:Exactly. Never get and that uh and my my sister, by the way, had put a cigarette in my mouth when I was at at 10 because I caught her smoking, so I was already smoking at that point.
SPEAKER_00:So so yeah. It was the 80s, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:I mean, it's like she's in the bathroom smoking, and I walk in and she shoves a cigarette in my mouth, so I won't tell my parents, right? It's like, so now we're smoking buddies together. Yeah, you know, and it was the only time that she ever liked me, you know. So I'm like, okay, we're smoking together. I want to be like my sister. Um, but yeah, so how did the drinking go? So the drinking ended up, I don't get sick. So just letting you know I have like an iron stomach and I do not get sick, but I will pee myself. So I ended up drinking, like, yeah. It comes out one way. It does. I ended up drinking like the whole six pack or whatever and got drunk and then started crying and like passed out and peed myself. And my dad gets home from work and wants to know what the hell is the matter with me. My mom, and she's like, Are you kidding me? What is going on? So my mom explains the reasoning behind it. Like, I'm hoping she'll never touch it again, right? And then a few weeks later, I go into my freshman year, and the girls, the senior girls, are taking the freshman girls out for the first in front before the first school dance. My dad is the president of the school board.
SPEAKER_03:Outstanding.
SPEAKER_05:And Conchetta decides to go to they take us to a liquor store, and we I buy a bottle of cherry slogan and a bottle of Southern Comfort. And Southern Comfort. No. And I'm like, and I and he and here is my bravado again. And I don't even know if this is gonna get me drunk. This is how I talk to these girls, right? And what do I do? I drink three quarters of the cherry slogan, just like you know, terrible. Yeah. And I end up um literally on the top of the bleachers, because the school dance is in the in the you know, gym, with pat like hitting all my head down the bleachers, like and passing out on the floor. And the one of the teachers who was really liked me was trying to sneak me out of the dance before I got caught by the dean. Didn't work out, so I got in trouble and I got suspended, I got thrown off the cheerleading squad, and I got, you know, suspended for um my first time drinking ever, right?
SPEAKER_04:As a freshman.
SPEAKER_05:As a freshman. And you would think that that would be enough of a consequence, enough embarrassing, right? Because every single student was like watching my dad come pick me up from the dance, putting me in the car, and then my elbow would open the car door and I would flop out, you know, and they and he would shove me back in. And I remember waking up that next morning, and I was like, Oh my God. And my mom's like, Oh, are you happy? I hope you're happy. And I'm like, what is happening? And he she goes, Oh, you see all that hair on your pillow? That was your dad ripping your hair out of your head last night. Oh boy. I know. I was like, oh my goodness. And so I was like, and she's like, and you are gonna get dressed because we are driving to Corcoran to go watch your team that you're supposed to be on that you got suspended from go play basketball. And so it was in the car, like, oh my God, feeling so sick or whatever. And like I said, a normal person would have that kind of a consequence. Right. But it was a badge of honor for me. People were talking about me, right? It was, it was any, any um, you know, like uh what's it called? Any like attention? Attention is better than no attention at all. Good or bad, right? And that's where I lived because um I had that self-worth and self-esteem that was just horrible for me.
SPEAKER_01:At least you're being seen.
SPEAKER_05:No, I'm like, okay, well, people are talking about me. At least somebody is saying something. And if I want to be labeled as crazy and fun, right, right, then that's okay. I'll sit there. So that's kind of where I sat the rest of my, and then I go to my junior year and you know, I'm heavier. I just lost a boyfriend. I always had boyfriends, you know, they would always cheat on me in high school. Lost my virginity when I was 15 with a boy that my mother never knew. I mean, I hope she never hears this, by the way. Um, because how sad. I'm 61. I'm 61 years old, and I don't want my mommy to hear uh that I lost my virginity at, you know, almost 15 years old. I think it was 15 years old, yeah, with my boyfriend. Which again, at that time, there was so much shame locked in, right, you know, as a girl, because your mother tells you, uh, you know, like I said, my mother and father got married. She was 19 and she had never been with any other man. She was a virgin when she got married, and she expected her daughters to live that same way. And anybody else, if you like any girls that were in high school with me that had um multiple sexual partners or was, you know, or was sampling other, you know, whatever it was that they were doing, my mother would not let me hang out with those girls because that oh my god, no, oh my god. That bad influence horrible, yeah, horrible. You can't be guilty by association.
SPEAKER_02:Of course, you know, and that's he said that once or twice.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, yeah, or 10 times. Yeah. And so I was uh, you know, I was always controlled, like a controlled. You can hang out with this group, you can't hang out with this, like you can do this, you can do that. And my mother was always on me and literally she knew exactly where I was going, what I was doing. I mean, I couldn't spend the night over anybody's house because she didn't know how those parents operated. I don't know if they drink, I don't know if they do drugs. Your father and I don't do those behaviors. If you want people to come over and spend the night at our house, that's fine, but you're not allowed to go after. So it was all these rules and regulations that I was embarrassed by. Like, why does everybody else get to do these things and I don't get to do them? Right.
SPEAKER_02:Was your older sister allowed to do a lot of stuff? No. She was so she she had the same rules that you had.
SPEAKER_05:She had the same rules that I had. And your younger sister at this different point.
SPEAKER_02:It was just so they your mom didn't sway one way or the other. It was the same for all three of you.
SPEAKER_05:There were certain things. The the rules were still the rules. I expect you to be a virgin virgin. I expect you not to, you know, I still cheat, whatever. You know, yeah, all those things. But um, and I think with my younger sister being seven years younger than I was, then got a lot uh away with a little bit more. Because your parents were older by that time. Yeah, they were older. My mom was 30, I think 33 years old when she got pregnant with that.
SPEAKER_02:She got tired of fighting because of you.
SPEAKER_05:Well, I was exhausting. Right. Yeah, I was exhausting. I was constantly exhausting. There was always things. I was always getting in trouble. And I even though I got away with a lot, like I did, there was so much there that I was always still getting caught doing something like perfect example. My mom grounds me because of my weight. Can't go, I have to ride my bike to school. This is my sophomore year. The junior girls are coming by in a truck to pick me up. I mean, uh, that are driving by, they're ditching school that day. Okay. So they go, Hey, do you want to come and ditch school? And I'm like, Well, I'm riding my bike to school, you know, I can't. And they're like, that's okay. We can put your car, we we can put your bike in the back of the car. You can be my mom, I'll be your mom. Like, you know, we'll call in each other's moms. And I'm like, oh, okay, sounds great. And I've always been that person that wants to be liked by everybody. I'm a people pleaser, right? So I'm like, okay, sounds great. So these girls do that. They stick the bike in the back of the car. And we go out and we're doing all sorts of stuff, like stupid stuff. We're just going shopping and we're going into places. We called the we called the phones, blah, blah, blah. The next scene is I said, okay, well, drop me by the school and I'll ride my bike home from school so I can say I actually rode home from school, right? So I kind of want to be like a little honest there. Yeah. So I get on my bicycle and I'm riding.
SPEAKER_02:Technically, she's right.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:But I could see this thing's gonna end up good.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god, what do you think?
SPEAKER_02:Come on.
SPEAKER_05:So, anyway, so I'm riding my bike home, and all of a sudden, the football players who are supposed to be at practice, like they uh they pull up next to me, about a group of them, there's like six of them in a truck, and they're like, Oh my god, conchetta, what is going on? And I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, Do you know that school they thought you've been kidnapped? No, but I've been kidnapped, and that's no, so they they go, get your butt in the truck. So they put my bike in the car and they take me home, and now my dad's home from work. And if my dad's home from work, that's not a good sign. And the cops are at my house. Oh boy, yeah. And so literally, my mother was working, volunteering in the cafeteria that day, and the teachers came in and go, Oh my god, Kinsetta's sick today. Kinsha's sick today. What do you mean? So I'm saying anything I did, I always got caught. Like, I am such a bad, like you gotta do your homework first. I mean, come on. I mean, I was just like, whatever. Anyway, but that's kind of how my whole life went, and that's why my mom literally had a stick. Right, you know, yeah, because she was like so like frustrated and didn't know what to do. She just didn't know what to do. And then here comes an eating disorder. So I end up on my junior year. I'm really heavy, broke up. My boyfriend broke up with me, is dating a, you know, one of the younger, cute little tiny girls. And that summer I decide that I'm gonna throw every single thing up that I eat. And I literally come back to school my senior year, like at 110. So I went from 135 all the way down, right? My mom was elated. She was like, whatever you want, we're going shopping, we're going to Beverly Hills, let's go, let's get you a new wardrobe. You know, she didn't like the fact that my boyfriend is dating this person. I'm gonna make sure that you look your best and blah, blah, blah. Come very competitive. And so then I go through my senior year, and I've got all this attention from all these different guys from all these different c um high schools, and I have new boyfriends and all this other stuff. And my mom, like I said, is super happy with me, and life is good. Well, some friends of mine hear them hear me throwing up in the in the locker rooms, and they go and they tell my mom, oh my gosh. So now my mom is on one. My mom is on one too.
SPEAKER_02:Do you want to take a drink of that? Go ahead. I'm like we're not live. I can edit all this out.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, great. Okay.
SPEAKER_01:I do it on purpose to piss them off.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, fantastic. So my mom, so basically what happens is my mom um is like starts to research eating disorders. And this is the this is before bulimia even had a name. This is like right in the height of Karen Carpenter dying, right? So my mom gets on the the phone and because we didn't have internet back then, I don't think so. No.
SPEAKER_01:No.
SPEAKER_05:We did not have internet. So my mom finds out some therapist, um, you know, I go, I go to a couple local ones, and they're just Looney Tunes. They're just such idiots. I'm telling you right now. I went to a psychiatrist and she's asking me why I do it. And I'm like, Isn't that why I'm here? That's exactly right. I'm like, really? I'm like, dude, are you serious? I was like, and all I did was manipulate because what I was I was not allowing my mom to now take something else from me. You're first of all, you're telling me that I have to be a certain weight. I make that weight.
SPEAKER_01:Now you're telling me I gotta be able to do it.
SPEAKER_05:Now you're now you're telling me that I can't have this behavior that allows me to be that weight that keeps you happy. Right. And this is something that you could control. Well, absolutely. And you know, by and and at this time, by the way, I am also in the grips of drinking every single time.
SPEAKER_02:I was just getting ready to ask you where was that late?
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, and you know what? I could drink all the guys under the table because guess what? I would go and throw it up and come back and drink more. And like we would literally I'm that competitive person, so I'm like, shots, let's do 25. I'm like, let's do 25 of them. They can't figure out why they're all plastered, and I'm like still going, going, go ahead. Okay, I'll be right back. Bye. You know, come back. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Were you on any were you on any drug? Not yet.
SPEAKER_05:Oh boy, that comes that comes later.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, I want to see how she called what she calls them.
SPEAKER_00:You had to level up your game.
SPEAKER_05:Oh no, I'm not the cat. When what what did she call them? The uh dry goods. Yeah, the dry goods. No, that was very creative. I think that's a younger mind that comes up with some of that stuff.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I call them powder accelerants.
SPEAKER_05:That's true.
SPEAKER_01:I just call the cocaine.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I didn't do much cocaine.
SPEAKER_05:Cocaine was so good. Anyway, but um my god, so good. My girl fits right into my eating disorder. Come on, man. Don't have to eat. Awesome.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Anyway, and you could function. Exactly. Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_02:Mom probably should have kept a good supply of that around for you.
SPEAKER_05:I mean, my goodness, no. My mother. Yes, she did. But no, so she she basically gets online and finds um UCLA uh has a eating disorder group on uh Thursday afternoons, they're like like 5 or 6 uh PM on a Thursday. And my mom literally drives us from Bakersfield to UCLA every single week.
SPEAKER_01:And as she's driving you said us, just you and her or me and her. Okay.
SPEAKER_05:Me and her, she gets me a very expensive therapist in Beverly Hills that it that you know uh specializes in eating disorders as much as they could in those days.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:Because this was 81 or 82. 82. And so yeah, it was like, what are we gonna do with concetta? This is what we're gonna do. And my mother would literally pull up to UCLA, like with a half an hour to spare, and she's like, I'm gonna go park and I'll be in there in a bit, you know. And I would run over to Mrs. Phil's cookies and I would literally buy like 10 cookies or whatever, and I would be stuffing them in my face and drinking a bunch of water and throwing them up and like, you know, and then going and rallying, you know, and I that's how I live my life. Wow. Like she had no idea you're not gonna do this shit to me. You know what I mean? You're not gonna take away my coping, my coping mechanism. Like this is my this is how I'm coping with all the self-worth, self-esteem, shame, you know, all of it. And I'm building more shame within it because now I'm lying, you know, and my mom's, you know, what felt like it was just like, I cannot stand you, lady. Why are you why do you hate me so much that you're doing this shit to me? Never did I have the emotional maturity to understand that he she loved me so much, right? But there was so much friction between the two of us because I was always doing something that she was constantly having to navigate and try to go behind my back. You know what I mean? It was like just like constantly heightened senses all the time, causing so many problems with my dad and her because they were con she's he's like leave her alone.
SPEAKER_02:So your your and your dad's relationship was super tight.
SPEAKER_05:My dad's and my relationship was super tight in the in the way that he was overweight, he smoked, he didn't drink, he was a workaholic, he made a lot of money, right? He uh had three girls, and I was the most like him. So I was his favorite, even though he didn't could never say I was his favorite. Right. I was the like the jock. Well, yeah, I was the athlete, you know, I was the son he never had. Right, right.
SPEAKER_01:True.
SPEAKER_05:No, right, yeah, seriously. And so there was so much of like the the pieces of him that he didn't like about himself, he didn't like seeing in me. But he absolutely, I was like the apple of his eye in the way that he would brag about me with my sports, he would talk to me, talk to his friends about my sports. All his friends loved me, thought I was so fun, you know. And so I had that relationship with him, and then I would have these rel him, him and my mom's relationship would be frictioned because of how she was managing me that he didn't like.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:And he thought she created this whole thing because if you hadn't started her drinking, look at she likes this stuff. I was waiting for that to come up. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. So, and my dad was also a gambler, you know, he liked to uh play cards. Uh-huh. And my mother was that person that would have dinner on at 6 p.m. And you better be home. I don't care what's going on, you better be home at 6 p.m.
SPEAKER_02:I I and I don't I don't mean to jump ahead of this story, but I I just need to ask this question. Is she still like that?
SPEAKER_00:She is.
SPEAKER_02:Okay. I'm sure we'll go into it more, but it's just she is.
SPEAKER_00:But do you think that's too maybe uh the period of time in which she was raised?
SPEAKER_02:And the ethnic and her ethnicity yeah, her ethnicity. Italian. Italian.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, yeah, my because wait, well now correct me if I'm wrong. When you go out into the can when well, this is what I was told. When I go out into the world, you know, I am, you know, yeah, you are your own person, but you carry my name. So no, uh no. You don't carry my name.
SPEAKER_05:No, you are a Bianca. When you walk outside of this house, they would tell me that all the time. Yes, right. And I'm like, really? Okay, watch. I'm gonna embarrass the shit out of you because I, you know, that that's my rebellion side.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, don't bring any shame to the family.
SPEAKER_05:No, no, no. That is my rebellion side. I have it this rebellious side of me. I don't know why, I just always have. And I don't like being told. I mean, I think all of us can say we don't like being told what to do, right?
SPEAKER_02:I don't mind being told what to do as long as it makes sense. That's always been my problem. If you tell me what to do, and I can logically say, okay, that makes sense, right? But when you tell me what to do and I don't see a reasoning or the outcome of it, I'm gonna fight that, right? Yeah, I think that's me.
SPEAKER_05:I think telling me what to do because you're trying to con it feels controlling that's something different.
SPEAKER_01:I think it's authority that we that we also buck against just authority, like you know, yeah, like they they know everybody's in a power of authority knows better than me.
SPEAKER_02:Once again, I never had a problem with authority if what they're saying makes sense. And I I can logically look at it in my eyes, right? If they say don't touch that hot flame because it's gonna burn you, it's gonna burn you in the street. I still gotta do it because I want to know. No, no, no. If somebody tells me don't touch it because it's gonna cause scars and it's gonna be long lasting, but if somebody says don't touch that hot flame, well, why? Because I told you. Well, fuck you, I'm touching it. Because I said so, right? That that's mean, right? If you explain to me why not to do it and it makes sense, okay, then I won't do it. But if you say because I said so, yeah, uh no. F you, I'm gonna touch it anyway.
SPEAKER_05:Well, my parents were like uh because I said so in the in that in that way.
SPEAKER_02:That I would have had a hard time with.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, my mother, like I said, you know, we would be at church and I would be the one that was like, you know, like turned around in the pew and she was pinching me, or you know, your grandma used to do that to me. She she would literally give us a look. My mother could give us a look, and it that meant you better stop exactly what you're doing right now because I'm telling you, you're gonna get the wooden spoon at home, you know. And I would get the wooden spoon, yeah, you know, and we would get the wooden spoon. And I was the kid, so my sister was the kid, Dominique was the kid that basically would argue with my mom. She would argue, and they would get into the worst yelling and screaming fits, right? As she got older. Not as a young child, but as she got older. Me, I saw that and I was like, okay, I'm gonna do what I want anyway, but I'm not gonna, but I'm gonna yes you and I'm gonna smile at you and say, Yes, mommy.
SPEAKER_00:You know, manipulator in a different way.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, absolutely. I'm I'm the fake, the the mask. I got the mask on. Hi, mommy, how are you? You know, and no, absolutely. She finally got the mask, she understood the mask later on, but yeah, so she would drive me down to UCLA and go through the groups and that whole thing. And that, you know, was uh I was manipulating everybody, I was lying to everybody, I was telling everybody I was I was doing better. But my mom literally, I'm talking about I could not go to the bathroom after I ate a meal, like it, I was not allowed to go to the bathroom by myself. Like it was so much. I I was literally wanting to die.
SPEAKER_01:How long did that last?
SPEAKER_05:A long time, a long time because I so I didn't have the school, I didn't have the grades to get into college, right?
SPEAKER_03:Right, right.
SPEAKER_05:But my boyfriend, another boyfriend, cheated on me and I was devastated. I was going to Cal State Bakersfield. I actually got in there and I was playing on the tennis team.
SPEAKER_02:I was gonna say, you should be able to, you should have been able to get yeah.
SPEAKER_05:I got into something, I got into Cal State Bakersfield. I couldn't get into big if I had the same grades then that I, you know, and tried to get in now. No, their their standards are higher. Yeah, their standards are higher. But in those days, yeah, I got into Cal State Bakersfield and then my boyfriend cheated on me. And anytime a boyfriend would cheat on me or do something to me. Now, let me be very clear. I was never available for any of my boyfriends because I had so much shit going on in my own life that if you if I I can honestly say that now, like looking back, I was like, I was actually never available for them. Yeah, you know, I was I was almost like they were cheating on me with another person, but I was cheating on them with food, I was cheating on them with sports, I was cheating on them with flirting with other boys to get validation, I was causing a Lot of problems between boys fighting over me. Like I would uh be the one at the party where the guys are going at it, and I was like, Oh, don't no get out of here, you know, trying to pull them off, and I got punched in the face one time. But yeah, it was like I whatever attention I could get, I loved, you know. Um, I had a Mercedes when I got when I was 16 years old. Um, my parents, my dad gave us this car. It was a ham-me down for my mom, and he put us in it because it was the strongest car on the road, right? So he's like, you know, safe car, right? He didn't want to get rid of the car. So he's like, okay, so my mom um it went from my older sister to me. And I had this car, and when I turned um when I graduated from high school, my I wanted to go on a trip with my friends. My parents wouldn't let me. They were all going to Hawaii or something, and my parents were like, you could go to Europe, like something educational, but you're not going to Hawaii. And I'm like, no one, nobody was going to Europe. Like, I didn't want to go to Europe. I wanted to go to Hawaii. So I figured if I was at a standstill with them, they my parents would give give in.
SPEAKER_01:80s were all the big Hawaii thing.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Everybody graduated. I'm gonna guess where this is going. How'd you get to Hawaii?
SPEAKER_05:Didn't get to Hawaii.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, you didn't? I was gonna say she sold the car.
SPEAKER_05:Nope. I didn't get to Hawaii. You know what they did? They paint instead of because I waited so long, I couldn't go to either one. So my dad like um had my entire car painted and pinstriped, new radio, new stereo system put in it, so it made it like a more youthful looking car, right? It was an old sedan, it was a sedan, but it was like a Mac truck. Anyway, I get the car back from the from the body shop and I get in my car in the car with all my friends, and we're going to this this um party out in the boonies. And my dad's like, make sure you put the cover on that car when you get there, you know, because that's a fresh paint job.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:You know, I am driving out to that party, and I've got two people in uh one person in the passenger who is a friend of mine that he's been sober like 27 years now, but he was like that guy that was just he wasn't like me in a male version, but worse. You know, I mean it was like worse. So he's in my passenger side. We've known each other since we were like five. We're sitting in the car. I've got two people in the bath, we're like listening to radio, and I decide to pass on a two-lane highway. Coming around a corner. I hit a truck, I was going 70, he was going 70, not a scratch on me, have a scar on my knee. That's it. I guess that car was met like a tank. It was belt like a tank. And stepping out of that car, that other car was my boyfriend that just broke up with me. He was in the passenger side of that truck. Now, what are the odds? Like, so my dad, that was like the decline start of the decline of our relationship. He had a tear for that car. That car got taken to the junkyard and it was never to be spoken again. It was totaled. And it was harmful because it was like the first car that he could afford. My dad has built his business from the ground up. He has been he's gone bankrupt. His company has gone bankrupt. Like he it's like three times and he rebuilt every single time. Right? Lost first first loss was like through um his company, his family business through Cesar Chavez.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_05:Caesar Chavez came with m like armed men to our house when I was young and to have a meeting with my dad. And they basically went after my dad's company about pesticides. And before he could prove that we didn't have any pesticides, we were bankrupt. You know, he literally threw us into so much litigation. So that was one. And so this car was like the first car that he could afford. That was a nice car for my mom. And so it was like a baby for him. And so when that car got totaled, he was so mad at me. He was so he was so disappointed.
SPEAKER_01:And that was like the first worse being yeah, the disappointment. The disappointment. Wow, that was the I would say I would take a belt from my dad long before I'd say, you know, he would look at me and say just that disappointment.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. Right. And my dad, like, we've had some moments. Like, my dad has a standard of how his daughter should live. Yeah. Like, uh, you're not sexually promiscuous. You, you know, even though I love your spirit, you are still a girl. You know, and so he has this compartment where you are here as a woman and he is here as a man, you know, if that makes sense.
SPEAKER_02:No, it does, but uh, you know, as a father of two two women too, I mean, I I don't see that I don't see a problem with what she just said. I don't, as a you know, I I'm both of my daughters were that and Katie was the same way. I mean, we raised our daughters exact what you just said your dad was. That was us. Yeah, right. That's what we strive for. Right. Right. And I mean, that's to me as a father of two two daughters, that's uh well, you explain exactly what I yeah, what I would expect.
SPEAKER_05:He wanted ladies, right? You know, he expected to have ladies. His his wife was a lady.
SPEAKER_03:Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_05:She never embarrassed him, she didn't swear, she didn't, she wasn't that woman at the parties that people were, you know, having fun with and talking about, but not, you know, that wasn't his wife.
SPEAKER_01:No.
SPEAKER_05:And that's the old Italian, you know, don't be at you. No, exactly.
SPEAKER_01:And my Let me be the bad reflection.
SPEAKER_05:Well, yeah. Exactly. My dad was a cusser. My dad was, you know, you know, absolutely is the card guy. You know, he was the dude.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:Right. And he was the Italian man. Right. Right? Okay. I mean, but and they're both, and I'm full Italian. So they both have those traditions. And my parents have been in each other's lives. They've known each other since my mother was five years old. My grandparents were best friends. And so there's a lot of cultural, like they when when my parents have been married 67 years, 68 years. And so they're they are literally like the same person sometimes, you know, because they've been in each other's lives for so many years. And my aunts and uncles too. My I had a my my mother had a brother sister that married my dad's brother and sister, and my mom and dad got a bad boy.
SPEAKER_01:You still had a lot of double cousins.
SPEAKER_05:Double.
SPEAKER_01:I had those, I had the same thing for Frank, Frankie and Eating.
SPEAKER_05:And where they look where they look like your brothers and sisters because you have the same grandparents.
SPEAKER_01:Identical.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:We talk the same. Every time I watch some of our podcasts, like some of the videos, Mary Sands, it looks like Frankie's talking. I talk the same way he does. Same sound. My mouth moves like holy crazy.
SPEAKER_05:Are you Italian?
SPEAKER_01:Uh Portuguese.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, okay. It's very similar. Yeah. Hands, yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_02:Anger.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, anger, exactly.
SPEAKER_02:I've tried to get I tried to get Rob mad, but he just I can't get him mad. Not anymore. No.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. I bet before he got sober he was not that.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I was the black sheep because you know Portuguese and Italians, they'll get mad right now and they're they're on fire. Five minutes later, like, well, what's wrong with the problem? We're kissing. What's wrong with I'm not like that. I'm more of a slow burn. So I'd be I stay burning for a while. And once you get once I get to that point, I don't calm, I break shit and throw shit, and it's not good.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, my the my somebody from I forget who it was. It was like a neighbor kid that basically said, You come from the most uh yellingest family. Like because they're not yelling, we're talking loud, we're passionate. Right. They're not waving our hands and we're passionate.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_01:That that definitely A lot of my girlfriends said that. Why are they that they're not yelling? They just that's how they talk.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. By the way, I got in a lot of trouble with my mom. So every Sunday, we have Sunday dinner at my mom's house. We all go to church and then we meet at one o'clock in the afternoon and we have this big Italian meal that we cook, right? And still?
SPEAKER_01:Still? Okay.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I love food. I'm coming down.
SPEAKER_05:Well, let me tell you, it's it's delicious. But I was over there cooking yesterday and my mother's like, so is this gonna be like an every Sunday thing? Because she knows that I want to do like the podcast. And I said, no, no, no. This is just when these guys are available because they have jobs, you know, and they work, and this is when when I can do it. Well, I'm just not really, you know, we're not young, Conchetta, and there's gonna be, you know, we're you know, it's that guilt, that Italian guilt.
SPEAKER_01:There's gonna be a time where you're not gonna have us anymore.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god, yeah, that's exactly what she said. You know, that you know, we're not getting any younger here, and there's only so many times that we can get together.
SPEAKER_02:And my mom's gotta be in her 80s.
SPEAKER_05:My mother is 88. Okay, she turns 88, she's a Scorpio, and she's a true Scorpio. 88 on the uh 29th, and my dad is 91.
SPEAKER_02:Wow. Wow, how healthy is he?
SPEAKER_05:He drives to Reeler Widge from the Bakersville Country Club every single day. We are scared shitless because we're like, what the fuck? And sorry, the square job. I'm like, why would anybody give these two people they get, you know what? They gave them licenses for five more years this last year. I'm like, what is going on?
SPEAKER_02:Have you seen the license we give to some of these CLs?
SPEAKER_05:Oh no, exactly. What about the guy that was just like in the truck driving and yeah, just horrible? Yeah, exactly. So so yeah, so they have their they they still drive and they still there. My mother has my dad working with a trainer every other day, and you know, she goes to the gym every other day, and yeah, to all their friends are dying off, and they're still they're the you know, oldest ones. But my mom will be on the dance floor with eight-inch heels, like you know, at a wedding, and you're just like dancing with all the young kids, you know, and you're just like, oh mom, I yeah, she's a lot good for her. Yeah, absolutely. She's like so funny. I mean, but yeah, she's alright. But, anyways, um, I can't remember where we were at this point.
SPEAKER_02:It's you so you were in college, you're going to call it.
SPEAKER_05:Okay, so I'm going to Cal State Bakersfield. Thank you for bringing me in. So Cal State Bakersfield, I I'm on the tennis team, and um this boyfriend decides to cheat on me, and I'm devastated. And by the way, um, I've already at this time uh tried to kill myself one time. So I literally pills, yeah, pills. Okay. Yeah, aspirin. You know, it was more attention getting. I was like so destroyed. You were going through everything. I was, I mean, God, it it if you think about where I started as an adolescent, as a child, that I told you from swinging the things, you know, and having a lot of fun, but having behavioral issues all the way up to where I was, you know, in high school, that's a lot, you know, for a kid. So, and you know, people will go, oh, well, you know, it's all self-inflicted, like you were doing these things.
SPEAKER_00:But I was you were trying to self-medicate in multiple ways between sugar and then alcohol and potentially pills or whatever else, whatever would make you feel a little bit normal.
SPEAKER_05:Well, yeah. I mean, I was trying every time I would try to do something to make myself feel better. My mother would say that's not an ad adequate thing to do. You know, that that's not okay. No, you can't do that. Like, well, can I do this? No, you can't do that.
SPEAKER_01:So it was like constantly It's a battle because you I want you here, but I care about how you get there. To us as young, the ends justify the means. I wanted to be bulimic because I can make the weight. Why should that be a problem?
SPEAKER_05:Right. Exactly. I just could not have to be able to do that. Handcuffs after handcuffs after handcuffs. Yeah, no one gave me the manual. And I was struggling with self-worth and self-esteem and body m body dysmorphia and not understanding why someone, you know, wouldn't love me. I just wanted to be loved. Like for who I am. For who I am.
SPEAKER_01:Kind of yeah. And it's like, but the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is, you know, I did bad. Yeah. Shame is I am bad. Yep. And once you get there, why just then I'm just broken. Okay. Then I might as well that's what I mean. Go all the way. Might as well go. I'll have fun. If I'm if I'm going to hell, I'm gonna enjoy the ride.
SPEAKER_05:It was like gasoline for me. So I I had tried to kill myself, and of course that was like ridiculous. It was a fight with my mom, and you know, it was I'll show you. Yeah, it was you know, one of the things for help. Yeah, exactly. And all that did was make her more angry, you know, and and um, and not get get me what I wanted. Like I was trying to call attention to you're not making me feel loved and cared for. And so then um, when I'm at Cal State Bakersfield, like the boyfriend breaks up with me, I'm heartbroken, cheated on me again, embarrassment. And so my mom is that mom, and my first boyfriend that cheated on me that broke my heart, he got a scholarship playing for San Diego State uh for football. And he was a really good football. He's a he was a uh a lineman. And um, and so I call San My mom's like, call San Diego State and see when when uh when their registration. This is the winter. And they like, they're like, oh, um, the registration, last day of registration is tomorrow. My mom packed us up. She like gets us to San Diego State. I didn't even the transcripts hadn't even gone. She didn't know that I did not have the grades because I wasn't getting good grades at Cal State. No, she had no idea. She was just like, No one's gonna make my daughter look bad in this town, and I'm gonna sh uh we're gonna get you out, and you're gonna be the like it was more is that like a geographical cure?
SPEAKER_02:It's a geographical change. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, and so she like said, Okay, we can we'll get you to San Diego State, and um I we will figure out the rest later. So I go into rent, I I register, I tell them the transcripts are coming, right? Transcripts are coming, the checks in the mail, and the checks in the mail, and in those days that kind of worked. I don't know how it worked, but it did. Well, because there was no email or fact, no, they just they had to believe it's in the mail, it's in the mail, and so I get into the dorms, the athletic dorms, there is, and I said, Well, maybe I'll walk on and be a tennis player, walk on. So they put me in the athletic dorms. And um, and then my mother what made a deal with me that if she did this and got all this done, that I would go and attend an eating disorder um group. Like an OA group, but a yeah, it was an eating disorder like group. Like Olivia's anonymous? No, it wasn't that. It was actually a support group. What they didn't have, I don't think they had even OA at those days. I think that was in '82, I think that was before.
SPEAKER_02:I don't think at this time in the 80s, that it was that's not something.
SPEAKER_05:It was just they didn't have a word for the term. When I was at that, when I was at UCLA in that support group, they would literally be doctors and and students that would sit around with notepads and they would watch us and how we behaved, and they would be sitting there. It was not like they would just watch us talk and they would take notes, like there was nothing that no literature at all. No, they didn't understand.
SPEAKER_01:They were writing the future literature.
SPEAKER_05:Yes, exactly. That's exactly what it was. So I didn't get anything out of it, obviously.
SPEAKER_01:So, what'd you find in San Diego?
SPEAKER_05:In San Diego, there was a guy named Dr. Schaeffitz, and he was like, he wrote more articles on eating disorders than anything that was out there. My mom knew that, and so she got me connected with him and said, if you go and see him and as part of his groups, then you could be down here at San Diego State. Because I was like, Hey, San Diego is a distance away.
SPEAKER_01:Four hours away. Yeah, buddy.
SPEAKER_05:Four hours, man. That's not like she can come over. Yeah, I was like, I'll do anything, I'll say anything, all whatever it is that you want me to do, I will do it. And so that's what I did. And so now I am got the freedom that I wanted to do to drink like I could drink. And I was that person that was at every fraternity party. I was like, oh, I was busy.
SPEAKER_02:Open ticket.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, I was so busy. I was like all over the place. I was in the dorms, I was the party girl in the dorms. I mean, my mom and sister came to visit me, and people are like, Canchetta, canchetta, and they were they're like, my mom's like, Are you the town greeter? Like, what is going on every day?
SPEAKER_02:No, I'm the town drunk, mom. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_05:Every single person knows your name. It's kind of crazy. And I'm like, I was either that person because I have such an unusual name, it was either Consuelo, Contessa, Consida, Conchita, like I'd answered anything. I yeah, I know they're talking about me. I was so fun last night. I know, you know, and because I had my eating disorder, I could drink and literally drink anybody under the table, right? And I could maintain where I wouldn't get too messed up, I would be pretty messed up, you guys, because I was drinking a lot and a lot was going in because I was very thirsty. I mean, I'm telling you, I mean, if there was a half a keg for me, I could have taken that half a keg down, you know, it's just that's how I drank. And so, um, and then we would be going to Mexico and getting alcohol from Mexico. And my dad would say, you know, you're not to drive your, I had a convertible rabbit when those were in, you know. Jetta. Oh, yeah, a Jetta. Yep. So it wasn't a Jetta, it was a rabbit. Rabbit, rabbit, it was a rabbit. Cabriolet. Yeah, no, that was my second one. So it was the rabbit first, and then the cabriolet was the second one.
SPEAKER_01:Then the Jetta.
SPEAKER_05:And I would literally, you guys, I would drunk drive so bad. Yeah. I would drunk drive so bad that um, and I was going between not only San Diego State, but USD. So I would have friends that were at USD, and so I would go and I would drive to um bars, and I had my because my sister was five years older than was I always had a fake ID.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:So I was in bars and I was doing all the thing. I was never not drinking. I'm telling you. I did you ever go to class? No. No, I mean I did. I went to class, but I never could do the work. So the transcripts finally come to me. Oh catch up, okay? Not the no transcripts saying I don't get in.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:So instead of like packing up my bags and going home because my mom didn't want that shame, she took me to the extended studies office. And in those days, you could register as an extended study student, not be enrolled through the university, but through the extended studies. It was fifty dollars a unit. Fifty bucks a unit.
SPEAKER_01:Back then.
SPEAKER_05:Back then. Wow. And so a three unit class or a four-unit class, now I have to have a full caseload.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:My parents were paying a fortune for me to go and be a regular student. And I never ever got one unit. Like I never got, I've never no six years. Never won. Six years. Never won. I was such a manipulator and it I was such a train wreck that I was like, I've got to keep this party going. And I did, I did whatever it was. I manipulated however it was. I I literally was a I was a little sister to two different fraternity houses, um, different times, you know, not the same time. But I um and they were wondering, like, how how are you always drunk? Like, how are you always partying? Um, aren't you going to school? I'm like, yeah, oh yeah, my grades are great. My never, you know, always lying to everyone. Right. Right? I would show up at campus at the times where everybody was at Monty's Den, which was like the bar on campus. And I would just like show up there, oh yeah, I've been in class all day, blah, blah, blah, you know. So the first thing that happens to me is I'm at, I'm really drunk. I'm out of it. And I'm out of money. I literally, because be having an eating eating disorder is very expensive, right?
SPEAKER_02:Because you eat a lot, I'm sure.
SPEAKER_05:Because you eat a lot and you're purging a lot, right? And so, like, it's very expensive. And my parents had me on a budget, but I didn't understand what that meant. So I was like, literally, my mom was like, if I get another bounce check in the mail, concetta, because I thought I had her bank account. So I was just writing checks. I was literally just writing checks. I did, I thought, you know, she just I thought I had endless amounts of money. I mean, I had I was I had that stuff going on. I had gotten$1,800 in parking fees because I didn't feel like parking in the right places. And so I would just park anywhere.
SPEAKER_02:That's an authority complex.
SPEAKER_05:No, absolutely. I was just authority issue. I was this. I was this to everything. You know, I literally had my finger up going, I am so sick and I feel so terrible about my life that I don't give a rat's ass. And it doesn't matter what I do.
SPEAKER_01:But now when does all this purging start having a negative effect on your body? Because it's not healthy. I mean, I was like, Or you were just so drunk all the time you didn't even notice.
SPEAKER_05:No, I mean, I was like, uh, I was like maybe about, you know, the thing is with bulimia is you can maintain a body level, uh body at it's not like anorexia. So at certain times I would do anorexia, but I would never be the one. So there's a lot of different ways bulimics are bulimic. You can be an exercise bulimic, which I was doing. Okay. I was like teaching um a lot of aerobics classes. That was when aerobics and jazz are. You know, that was a big Jane Fonda. Oh my gosh. I mean, people somebody texted me not too long ago. Oh my god, Kenchat, I remember, I remember when you were teaching aerobics, and I was like, yeah, I mean, I was like, you know, fun. Right. It's a party, right? It's a party, you know, the way to party. So I was teaching aerobics and I was keeping my my weight down. And so I would have these like fluctuations of like, okay, I'm not gonna throw up and I'm not gonna purge, but I'm gonna exercise to death. So I would exercise to death, or I would restrict, right? So I was restricting, I was either throwing up, I was restricting, whatever it was. But I always needed a lot of money. And my parents were keeping me on a budget. They wanted me on a budget. My mother was kind of getting wise to what was going on. She would see me and she could tell if I was throwing up because my face would expand, my like right here, I'd get puffy, and she'd go, I know you're throwing up. And so then I would have to go into another inpatient, you know, not inpatient, but an outpatient treatment. I mean, it was constant.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:All this managing, you know, is exhausting. She would have me meet her in Beverly Hills and she would look at me and she'd go, Something's going on with you. I know, I know, I can see. I can see that something's going on with you. Like, what how many groups have you been going to?
SPEAKER_02:No drugs at this point. This is this is and she's not upset with your alcohol at this point.
SPEAKER_04:No, she doesn't even know about the alcohol.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, all right. This is just all eating disorder.
SPEAKER_05:This is all eating disorder. That's the only thing that she's trying to manage.
SPEAKER_02:Right. Okay.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. She doesn't really, she doesn't really, as long as my weight is at a certain weight, um, which is on the low end, then I was okay. It was the appearance that she was. It was the appearance. It was the appearance. She didn't want to be embarrassed. She did not want to be embarrassed, and she wanted to be feel like she was controlling something. And so if I was a little heavier in my in my when I was active in my eating disorder, uh it would show up more in my face. And so she didn't like the way it looked. And so then I'm acting out in my my eating disorder. And so she knew. So she got very schooled and and in tune with me. It was almost like um it was almost like she was like part of me, you know.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_05:If that makes sense.
SPEAKER_02:It does. It does. And she was invested in you for sure.
SPEAKER_05:She was so invested in me. I was like, Can you just invest in someone else, man?
SPEAKER_02:Can you just guys and you're not gonna be able to do it?
SPEAKER_05:Can my older oh, my uh older sister hated me because I got all the attention. My younger sister and I had a great relationship, but she was doing everything just to stay under the radar because she didn't want any of that.
SPEAKER_02:I would say at that point she probably loved you because she wasn't she wasn't being watched at all.
SPEAKER_05:No, she literally, my my younger sister kind of was anorexic because she saw what I was going through, so she just didn't eat. So she kind of developed her own eating disorder when she was in high school a bit. It changed in college, but she that's how she was. She's very, very thin in high school. But anyway, so it this went on. And so what happened was I was in my probably close to my last year of being there. And I this is your sixth year, yeah, like sixth year.
SPEAKER_01:Umilder at this point.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, it was awful. I would go to San Felipe on a trip with all the guys, like we would be for spring break, right? Because that's what we did. We went to San Felipe, and we would get a motorhome, and we would have we the wheel of misfortune. And if you did anything fucked up, like you spilled a drink or something, spin the wheel. You have four shots of whatever, you know. And we would go and you would sit there and you would buy a case of beer and you would be in the hot sun all day long, and you would drink that whole case. And the my my um, I had a big brother that was in my in my in the fraternity. I was his little sister, and he came, we came back from that trip and he goes, I don't even want to talk to you. I'm so angry. And I'm like, Why? What's wrong? And he's like, You were so annoying. You were drunk the entire time. You were in showers, passed out. I constantly had to watch you. You were kicking fire, bur like, you know, we were having fires and you were doing you were falling in the fire, like you were annoying. And he had a crush on me, but I always would ended up like hooking up with his friends. And so he like literally was so mad at me. Right. Yeah, I had to make an amends to him when I got sober. Um but sounds like you had a few. I had quite a few. I I had a long list, but yeah, so I I I'm down there and I end up um not having enough money and I'm like super hungry, and I ended up stealing some girl's wallet and grabbed her credit card out of her purse, and I went to like a diner and I was eating, and she called her her card in is stolen, and I literally got arrested at the restaurant. Oh wow, so that was my first arrest. So, what do my parents do? I mean, it's like, oh my god, they are lost it. Oh my god, they were livid, absolutely livid. I ended up going to the place down there, there's Los Calinas or whatever jail, and they get me an attorney.
SPEAKER_02:And I'm gonna push up just a little closer.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, so they they get me an attorney and they clean it up for me, of course, but then they put me in an eating disorder residential program, you know, because it's my eating disorder, and that's the reason why.
SPEAKER_02:Still a no still, they don't have a clue that it's alcohol at this point.
SPEAKER_05:No, they don't know about the alcohol, it's the eating disorder, like that's the problem.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_05:And so, um, so anyway, so that was my first arrest, and I ended up going into Northridge University Treatment Center. That was like there was not a lot out there offered. And I was in there with all these anorexics that were being tube fed, right? They were so under body weight that like to see me, I'm like, what the hell am I doing here? Right. You know what I'm looking at these girls and they're like screaming and crying and won't eat and having to be force fed. And like, I am like, I called my mom, I'm like, I'll never do this again. I'm so sorry. Like, get me out of here. This is crazy. It's almost like one flew over the cuckoo's nest, like crazy. Like these girls are absolutely skeletal. And I was like, Oh my god, I promise you I'll be good, you know. So she comes and she's being the good good codependent. Cause there's one thing about my mom, like, as hard as she was on me, she still wanted me to, and maybe this was about her, but she wanted me to have fun and be able to like be with to have experiences at it's you know, with with friends and things like that. And she would ground me, but then she would always give in. She would always, I would, she would ground me and say, You're not doing this, you're grounded for two weeks. And I could always manipulate her and cry enough to allow her to give in because mom, it's a party, and all these people are gonna be there, and all these guys, you know, do you want me to feel bad and blah, blah, blah? You know, so I would manipulate her and she would always give in. So she would always give in. She'd always be that parent that never held the line, right? And so, and I had done so many things when I was at San Diego State. I got into like head-on collisions in another car drinking and driving, but then drinking and driving wasn't a big thing then. And so I was able to get myself out of it. Before mad? Yeah, it was before any of that stuff, you know. So we had a lot more that we can get away with. I mean, look to be fair, I probably deserved at least 20 drunk drivings. I mean, I it to be honest, you know. I mean I would I would be right there.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. If if we had these when we were in school, oh, we'd be still in jail. I'd be under the jail. Right. Yeah. Right.
SPEAKER_05:So I ended up getting out of that treatment center and I was good for a while.
SPEAKER_00:And did you go home?
SPEAKER_05:I went home for the summer and then um I went back for one more semester at San Diego State. And I don't even know why, but my dad was like, I don't care if you get your degree in basket weaving, like you're coming home. Like this is ridiculous. I'm not paying another dime for you to be partying and you to be down there. You're gonna move home. So I was like, oh my God, my life's over. Okay, got it. And how old are you at this time? Um, I was probably 21 or two. Because I'm a young, like, I'm young, 61, but I was born in 64. So I'm a September baby. So you're a young for your class. Yeah, I was young for my class. So anyway, so I move home and I am like, oh my God, my parents have a curfew on me. And I'm like, and I and my mom knew that I would stay out late with my friends when I was at school, but now I move home, and you guys are telling me I have to be home at 1:30 at night when the bars don't close until two. Like, what the hell? Right. And my dad was absolutely adamant about it. He was so annoyed. He would be waiting, he they would be waiting up for me, and they would be, if I was past two, my dad would lose his shit and say that only uh whores and prostitutes stay past, you know, past that past midnight.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:Nothing good happens after that.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, Katie. Yeah, Katie, Katie. You've been hanging out with her dad? Yeah. What do you what would your dad say, Katie?
SPEAKER_05:No, it was me. Nothing good happens after midnight. Nothing good happens after midnight. You're respectable. What are you doing? Well, who are you hanging out with?
SPEAKER_01:Hold on. Everything good happens after midnight. Yeah. To us. Yeah. To us alcoholics.
SPEAKER_00:There's just too many variables of what could happen. Right. You know, and the longer you're out or the later you're my girls were out, I was so concerned about them. And it wasn't necessarily them that they were doing something bad. You don't trust the other everybody else on the road. Right. That's where my concern was.
SPEAKER_05:Well, and that makes perfectly good sense for where we are today. In those days, like it was like, oh my God. By that time I had discovered cocaine. Not not in a way that I was abusing it. It was in a way that was like party and recreation. Every every once in a while, I would never buy it. It was available. Like if somebody had girl.
SPEAKER_02:I don't know a girl that had to pay for it.
SPEAKER_05:Right. Right. And so I would snort cocaine and I was like, oh wow, this is great because I don't I'm not hungry. Nope. So I don't need to go binge.
SPEAKER_01:I can drink more. I can drink all night long. It's all night long.
SPEAKER_05:I could drink and I and I wouldn't have to worry about necessarily purging my alcohol because I don't feel it. I'm awake.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:Right? So it was like, wow, this stuff's cool.
SPEAKER_02:Miracle drug.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. So I would do that and we would be out at clubs or whatever. And then you don't want to be home at nighttime when you are like lit to the guilt. No. And I living with my parents, and my parents are waiting up, and now you're a buzzkill. And like, I'm like, you know what? This isn't not gonna work, you guys. I'm gonna go find a place to live. And I was working for my dad's company at the time. My dad's like, you've sold me on everything you wanted to do in your life. You're gonna come work for me as a salesperson. I'm like, okay. So probably great at it. Well, it was, you know what happened? I wasn't given anything. I was literally thrown, it was called a blue book in our industry, in our in the produce industry. I was given a blue book, and they're like, go find some new customers. You know, and I didn't get my first sale in for six months, but when I did, it felt amazing. Right. And yes, I was good at it because it was all men on the other side.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:And so there was that manipulation and flirtation going on that some of them from the old school, like like when I would deal with Mississippi or Alabama or those old men, you know, they were like, little lady, I want to talk to a salesman. I'm like, oh hi, how can I help you? And then they're like, You're no salesman, you know, I want a salesman. I was like, I would start giggling with them and like making them feel funny or whatever, you know. But I was, you know, whatever it was. I mean, I always used everything to my benefit, you know? And so um my friend was coming to visit me from San Diego. And I, by the way, at this point, I'm like 22 years old, and I find a place to live, and I'm living with my with a girl that I met at the gym. She was 10 years older than I was, she was a dental hygienist, and boy, could she drink like I could. And I was like, oh my God, this is perfect. Found my perfect person to drink with.
SPEAKER_02:We just become best friends.
SPEAKER_05:No, exactly. And she owned a condo, and she's like, You can run a room for me. And I'm like, perfect. How can how fast can I run out of my parents' house? So I'm out of my parents' house, and that um year she's having a Christmas party. And so she invites all her age group friends, and I'm with all my age group friends. And at that Christmas party, the next day, she gets a call from a guy and says, Oh my God, I really like your roommate. And she comes to me and she says, Hey, conchetta. She said, This guy, he would like to take you out. And I was like, Well, I'll do lunch because if I don't like him, I just want to be stuck for an hour, you know. I'm I'll meet him for lunch, whatever. Okay. I don't even remember the guy, right? I was having so much fun. So I meet him for lunch and I'm like, okay, this guy's not bad or whatever. He's 33. I was 22 at the time. And we meet during the holiday season. It's during like the December time, and he is more of an introvert, and I am like total extrovert, right? Right. And he loved my energy. And I was like, we were never sober. Like I would go and I meet him at his office, and he'd have cocktails. That was when so they would have a full bar at the office, and we would start there, and then we would be going to all these like Christmas parties for him for his firm and all these lawyers and stuff. So I'm around all these older people, and everybody thinks I'm cute and bubbly and all this stuff. And we never had a sober breath together. And within six months, we were engaged, and my mom is planning this big giant wedding. And thrilled. Oh my god, so thrilled.
SPEAKER_02:Marrying an attorney.
SPEAKER_05:I married an at I'm marrying an attorney, right? How awesome!
SPEAKER_01:Everything on the outside looks good.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01:She checked all of her boxes.
SPEAKER_05:We're having this big wedding.
SPEAKER_01:And I'll bet you, I bet your mom at the time was like, all my hard work has fucking paid off. Oh my god. Look what I did. Look what I did.
SPEAKER_05:Exactly. I married the man, I'm marrying the man with two first names. And uh he owns a home. And like he's set up, and like his parents were still married, and my parents like that. And like I loved it because I'm like out. I'm gonna be out for my parents' thumb. Like, I am now not gonna have to be like have to worry about my parents anymore. I'm like, this is awesome. So we end up getting married. We we had a very, very lavish wedding. It was 450 people sit-down dinner, just so ridiculous.
SPEAKER_02:It's had nightmares.
SPEAKER_05:No, it was such, I mean, the receiving line was like three hours long. I was like, I don't even know these people. Like, my parents told me you could have this many people that you can invite. And I'm like, why? And my mom was like, because are your friends gonna bring buy you your china and your silver? They're they can't afford to buy you anything. Like, this is a business write-off for your father and I, and we're doing this this way. And I was like, Okay, well boy, yeah, yeah, exactly. So that's that was interesting. So anyway, we get married, and all of a sudden we're on our honeymoon in Maui.
SPEAKER_01:And um finally got to get to Hawaii.
SPEAKER_05:We get we get to Hawaii, get to Hawaii.
unknown:Fucking wrong.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god, we're in Maui at frigging HANA Ranch at the haun because my husband at the time was like, Oh, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Schreiber, this is where they went. It is such a wonderful location, and I'm like bored out of my frigging gourd. Do you know HANA Ranch is so boring? Like, you could do two days at HANA Ranch, not seven days. And I'm like, oh my God. I just I am drinking like a fish. We have our first argument. I want a divorce, I want to leave. Like I'm over it. Like you are boring. Like, what the fuck? So I like, I'm like, when are we going to Cannipali? And so we get to Canapali, and of course, I see people from San Diego State that I was in college with. And I'm like, yes, my people, oh my God, you know, and we end up ready to party. Ready to party. And then we come home and we live at home. And my girlfriend is still at San Diego State, and she's like, hey, I'm gonna come and visit you. Do you think that we can um do you think that you can get some like party favors?
SPEAKER_02:Okay.
SPEAKER_05:Like, ooh, cocaine, okay, powdered accelerator. Yeah, powdered party favors. And I'm like, I've never had to buy it, I've never had to try to do that. So I don't know where to buy buy cocaine.
SPEAKER_02:Here comes the second arrest. Oh my god. I read that one.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god, not quite, but it's coming, but it's coming. Anyway, so I go to my dad's shipping, the people that work for my dad at the shipping department. Right. Right? I go, Do you know anybody that has any like cocaine or anything? And he's like, No, I don't know anybody that has cocaine. I know somebody that has crank. Heck yeah, come on. And I'm like, oh my god, what's crank? Exactly. I have no idea, right? And so he goes cocaine on steroids.
SPEAKER_02:I like where this is going.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. So he's like telling me about what crank is. I go, okay, sure. So can I have some of that? And so he's like, Yeah, no problem. So I get that.
SPEAKER_02:My head just burned.
SPEAKER_05:I love it. So I get that, and me and my friend and my friend comes to town, and her and I are going out, and like we're doing a line of crank that literally I was up for four days on. That's right. I was like, You save money. I'm like, oh my god, this burns like shit. Like, what the heck is going on?
SPEAKER_01:But once you got past that, what'd you think?
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god, I was like in heaven. Come on, come on.
SPEAKER_01:I was like in post-drip a little bit.
SPEAKER_05:The burn. Oh my god, it was so burning and it was just like wow.
SPEAKER_01:And but I was almost I know under the blood of Jesus, it goes.
SPEAKER_05:Leave it alone. I was so I was kind of aggravated because I really did want to go to sleep. And I was like, oh my god, I could not for four days. I was like, I was literally.
SPEAKER_01:So you might as well drink and have fun.
SPEAKER_05:No, drink and have fun. And because I'm a good exerciser, I had a stairmaster. I had a stairmaster at my house, and I was like, This. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Like more my husband's asleep, can't figure out what's going on.
SPEAKER_05:No, my husband can't figure out what's going on with me, but I'm like, So he wasn't doing these nourants at all.
SPEAKER_01:Comes out, she's just sweating and going.
SPEAKER_05:No, I was like cleaning. Oh my god, I said this is really kind of like some great stuff. And I had to be at work every morning at 6 a.m., which meant I had to drive to Kimberlina. You know where Kimberly is. So I lived like 35, 45 minutes away. So I had to leave my and I had to be there because we had a 6 a.m. meeting every morning. And so I'm like, oh my God, this is kind of great. I'll just have a little line. Yeah. Right? I won't have to worry about eating. I don't have to worry about ever eating. Nope. Right. So therefore my eating disorder is gone, right? No eating disorder anymore. Your weight's on point. Oh, my weight is awesome. Mom's proud. Mom is proud. I am like super good, super tired.
SPEAKER_01:And look, since I'm not sleeping, look how much more time I have to get shit done.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. So I do that for a little bit, but then I don't, but I but after it runs out, after I uh it runs out, I don't get any more. Like I don't buy anymore. And I'm like, okay, no problem. By the way, I'm also playing on a volleyball league with my dad's head of farming, who is the same age as my husband. He's married, has a couple kids. And my dad, to go back, would never really talk to me about business. Like he he never like he was he was the grower. We had a company called Sunworld. I don't know if you know what Sunworld is. It's a huge, it was a huge, we had over 70 commodities. So my dad started it with um two other men. And so is this big international company, and um it was very big and our offices were were at Cumberlina, but my dad never really talked to me and explained the farming piece to me. He just thought that, you know what, you work here, don't embarrass me. And like the we would have to rotate offices. We had offices all over California, and we sorry about that, and we would have to rotate positions um of going and working in different locations. So like one week, um Rob and and you would go to the urine office and you would work in the urbine office while we were harvesting citrus.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_05:And we are part of Urbine Ranch Company. We were part, we would, we would be the marketing arm for their produce. And so we would so we would rotate and everybody in the office would have to rotate. Well, my dad would say, you know, you don't have to rotate, you're not rotating because you're my daughter. So he would throw that out, so which would make it bad for me in the office because the guys would get pissed off. Well, why do you get special treatment type of thing? So I'm like, you're really screwing me up, you know. Why are you doing this? Again, I'm special. Something's different than me. You know, I can't just be a worker among amongst workers. I end up getting pregnant from my husband and I from my husband. That kind of sounded funny. That kind of sounded funny, but you'll understand it as I get going, as I as I continue on, because concetta is a nightmare. I'm telling you, concetta is a whirlwind of a nightmare, and every single aspect of my life is well, we kind of left off on something.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you're playing volleyball with your dad. I was waiting for that. Yad, who's the same age as your husband, your dad's lead farmer farmer, right?
SPEAKER_05:Who actually talks to me and like like is kind of educating me in the farming side of things. Like, you know, really actually, and I'm like so like a mentor. Yeah, like a mentor. And I'm like so I'm so curious because I love my dad and respect my dad so much. And I've always wanted to have that type of a relationship with my dad. But since all the trouble that I've been gotten into, my dad's kind of like pushed me aside, even though I'm his favorite. Yeah, even though I'm his favorite still, and I'm still that person that he loves, I have now a different relationship with my dad. It's built more like he's ashamed of me a bit, you know. And he doesn't want him to be embarrassed, he does not want to be embarrassed. And so, like, no, you're not gonna go and work in these different places, you know, you're gonna stay home with your husband. And my husband, who was at the time when we got married, 33, I was 22. I am now 23, he is 34. Um, we get pregnant, right? And so now I'm on I I go through that pregnancy. I'm not drinking or using drugs or in active in my eating disorder. I'm not doing any of those things. Um, I did only gain like 22 pounds with my daughter, and then I had my daughter, and she was amazing and beautiful, and my daughter Bianca is like the apple of my eye. Um, but after I have her, um I get back into the volleyball league. I'm now drinking and I'm disappearing um like uh once a week to go play volleyball on an inner mural team. My husband, um, I would I want to go out on the weekends with my friends because all my friends are still young and they're not married. And my husband will say things like, uh, you're a married woman and you're not to be doing those types of things. And he knew that he can couldn't control me. So he would call and tell my parents. Oh shit. Oh yeah. He would tattle on me, which made me lose even more respect for him, which I hated him at the end. You know, I was like, Apps, oh my god. I said, You are no man, you can't control your your own wife, and you've got to call my parents. So I and in his defense of nobody could. No, no one could, and I was basically doing what my mother has done for my entire we we have the ability to to emasculate men in my family, three girls, my mother, very strong alpha female, right? Runs the show. My dad. It's not that my dad doesn't, my dad works his ass off.
SPEAKER_02:Inside the house, he doesn't.
SPEAKER_05:Inside the house, he doesn't. She runs the show.
SPEAKER_02:I know the feeling, right?
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:We got some step portrayed, don't we, son? I look at that face. Just saying, Jenna.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Just saying.
SPEAKER_05:It's like why are you looking at me? It's like, you'll pay for everything. You'll pay for everything, but you're, you know, you really don't like it.
SPEAKER_02:Me and your dad should probably talk.
SPEAKER_05:Well, yeah, because my dad could help me. My dad would try to my dad would try to set boundaries.
SPEAKER_01:Try.
SPEAKER_05:Like with me, like when I wrecked that car, that second car in San Diego. My mother never told him. She told him she was putting a down payment for a facelift and took the cash and went and covered my tracks, kind of thing. So my dad has gotten like increasingly upset with my mother because she feels that she's part of the problem as well, right? And he's not wrong. No. But but if you see my parents, like you'll understand how strong my mom is, and no one is gonna tell her what to do. Like, you know, there's that defiance of like she just doesn't take it to the level of I do, of how I do. You did.
SPEAKER_00:No, of how I did. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but she was also probably like, oh, he doesn't need to be bothered with this. I'm just gonna handle it. Yeah. And you know, maybe your dad was gonna be more upset at other things that were happening that were trivial compared to some of the major things that were happening.
SPEAKER_05:Well, my dad's a hothead, he's a frigging Italian bald man that face gets frigging pissed, like you know when he's mad, and he'll he won't hit you, but the there'll be a hole in the wall above your head, you know, type of thing. And he is very has a very loud when he he doesn't, it's a slow burn. But when he's done, he's done.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, ladders go flying.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, it's just like holy crap, he scares the shit out of me. Ladders go flying, yeah. He's scared, he's a scary dude. Two weeks ago. He's a scary dude. He scared every single boyfriend. Like, no guy, everybody was intimidated when they came to my dad.
SPEAKER_00:So after you had your daughter, were you still working for your father? I was still working for my father.
SPEAKER_05:Did it calm you down at all? It did for a minute, I think um the first maybe you know, six months. But then I was like, my alcoholism started kicking in. I was unhappy at home. I wasn't I I didn't like my husband at all. I didn't have any respect for him for sure. Um when she was about two, I uh started having an affair. And I had multiple affairs. He and I developed not just an affair, but it was a love. I was in love with that man. I thought that I was gonna end up with that man. Was he married? He was married, he was married and had kids, and um, you know, we made sure that our families were doing everything together. You know, I was at his house with his wife when she they were at my house with my husband, you know. We were on skiing vacations and we were having this affair, it was just terrible. I end up getting pregnant with his baby. Well, I end up getting pregnant, and I don't know if it's my husband's or his. So I end up having to have an abortion because I don't know. You're worried. I'm worried, like, oh my god, yeah, I know how much time. No, no, no, you're good. I'm so sorry. I'm like, oh my God. There's so I'm telling you, my brother.
SPEAKER_00:So, what kind of guilt did that give you with your kids? A lot of that brain as well, and so much shame, so the torment of loving that man, absolutely not being able to potentially have his child if it was his.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, it was awful. It was terrible. I was heartbroken because I really believed that he was my person because he had so much of the things that I loved about my dad, and I wanted to be close with my dad that he was giving me. And my dad was really basically put me in a corner of like, you have embarrassed me so many times, and I'm so embarrassed by you, and I wanted this relationship with my dad so bad. That was the way I was getting it was through this man. And so I had so much confusion. My eating disorders come back, it's out of control. I'm drinking. And a friend of ours, um that owned a racehorse basically calls my mom and says, Oh my god, I love concetta so much. It was again one of those people that were friends with my parents that always loved me, thought I was like so funny, you know, as a kid, said I named a racehorse after Conchetta and it's gonna be running in Del Mar. And she's like, Oh my god, you know, he was a he was a broker in town that also did grapes. And so I get a hold of Lynn and I'm like, Lynn, oh my god, you named a racehorse after me? And he was like, Yeah, I did. His name is his um the the horse name is Chetta B. And I was like, Oh my god, how do I see this horse run? And he goes, at the off-bed track. And I'm like, Really? Where's that? You know, at the fairgrounds. Oh, okay. I said, Okay, can I come and can you know, I come there or whatever? And he's like, Yeah, come on down. So now I'm at a horse track with a bunch every part of my life was always just men, right? I'm doing things that men do, right? I'm in the produce industry, I'm the only only sale, I mean the only girl in the Salesforce. It's all men, right? I am going down to a track, and now there's all men. And they're like, they think, you know, part of that is ego, like I'm getting so much attention from these men because I look like nothing like they do, right? And and the and it's refreshing to have me around, right? And so you I'm the cute girl coming in.
SPEAKER_01:And then and they don't the the thing that they love, they don't have to change their behavior, they don't have to change their language, they don't have to change anything.
SPEAKER_05:You're accepting it. Accepting, I love it, yeah, right? Love it, and so I go in there and they go, uh and I'm like, so what do I do? Like, I play a couple, I I I put like two dollars to place and show on these horses or whatever, and they're like, that's like kissing your sister. You need to bet triples. That's that, yep. Yep, right. That's a tie. Yeah, that's like kissing your sister. You need to bet triples, or you need to bet you try to. You've never heard that? No, hell no. Yeah, are you serious?
SPEAKER_02:That's a tie. That's like kissing your sister, son. Yeah, I God. That's you know my sister. I I know. I I would kiss her. I tried, she probably slap me. I'm gonna tell you right now, Coach Quasha used to say that all the time. Wait, okay. I know I buy me a little bit.
SPEAKER_01:I heard that all the time growing up as a kid. We'd punch each other long before we'd kiss. I don't know. Go okay, go ahead.
SPEAKER_05:So, anyway, so then they teach me how to play, you know, the these to triples and all these other, you know, how to play, play how to bet. How to bet. And so I end up putting um, I don't know, six or eight dollars on a triple. And I bet Desert Storm. It was right when like all of that, and I was picking the horses' names based on the horses' names. Like I was like, oh, that's a cute one. Okay. Anyway, they were complete lawn shocks, but it hits, right? And I get like$3,300 on a like a you know, and so now I'm like, wow, that was fun.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_05:Another vice. And like a new addiction. Oh my god, it was awful. It was awful. I leave there and I'm like, oh my god, this is so cool. And so I come back like a week later and I bet a pick six.
SPEAKER_02:Oh god.
SPEAKER_05:And I got five out of six on a carryover, and I win 11 grand on like 11 dollars.
SPEAKER_02:You went so I because I understand horse betting. Yeah, I don't she went straight from taking aspirin to doing mainline heroin that fast.
SPEAKER_05:It was the craziest thing. I think I'm I think I'm a professional horse better.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:I mean, look at what I just did. I won third.
SPEAKER_02:You were hooked.
SPEAKER_05:I was hooked. And by the way, in this, I'm also a compulsive spender, right? Anyway.
SPEAKER_02:And it's not like you've ever been told no.
SPEAKER_05:No, I've never been told no, right? Right. And my husband, I I had a like, I don't know, ten thousand dollar credit card bill, right? That was like at 10 grand. And so I'm now like paying off the credit card bill, going, look at what I just did.
SPEAKER_02:Look at what I did.
SPEAKER_05:No, look at what I did. I'm such a good girl.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_05:I'm such a good girl.
SPEAKER_02:I'm gonna do something right now that I don't want to do, but I'm going to because I want to hear the rest of the story. I'm gonna break this episode because there's still a lot here to go. Oh, yeah. There's still a lot here to go, and I want to record another episode with her. So I am gonna break this. I don't normally do this, but I am gonna break this for this for this purpose because I don't want this to go three and a half, four hours, right? I don't. So I am gonna break this. We're gonna come back. This is gonna be a two-part series. This is one's gonna be a two-parter, right? I because there's so much to your story, and I'm thinking in my head, where can I trim this story at? There ain't nowhere in your story I want to trim. So no, no, no. Because everything is leading up to what you just got to, and it's gonna get worse. I could see that coming right now.
SPEAKER_01:Hey, Dave, let me ask you. Does cocaine or methamphetemas come back with the gambling with a boost? Oh, yeah. Oh, baby, I love you. Let's go.
SPEAKER_05:I was arrested 26 times. No way! I was on probation in four counties at the same time.
SPEAKER_02:Oh no. We're coming back. Thank you for joining us today.
SPEAKER_01:We hope you learned something today that will help you. Give us a five-star review. If you don't like what you heard, kiss my eye. You can't say that, can you? Anyway, if you don't like what you heard, go ahead and tell us that too. We'll see what we can improve. We probably won't change nothing, but do it anyway.
SPEAKER_02:Hey, thanks, Rob. Come back next week and hopefully something will be different and something will sink in. Take a look.