How to handle tricky family dynamics

Ever dread those awkward family moments? 

In this honest and practical conversation, parenting coach Camilla McGill was invited onto BBC Radio 4 Woman's Hour to share how to handle tricky dynamics - especially at Christmas. 

Listen in for tips on managing awkward questions, setting gentle boundaries, and helping your child (and yourself) feel calm and confident during family gatherings.

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Transcript

 

You might have experienced those unwanted questions about your parenting style or your career or even your love life or lack thereof, but worry not. 

My next guest is an expert in navigating tricky family dynamics and has some very helpful tips for you. Camilla McGill is a parenting coach and joins me live in the studio. 

Now. Good morning. Good morning. Okay. We'll start with , the parents at aspect of, of, of this first, what anxieties and worries do parents come to you with at this time of year in particular, particularly at Christmas? 

Yeah, I think sometimes parents haven't taken their children to see relatives for some time, you know, Christmas may be the only time of year when they visit grandparents or other relatives.

And so the stakes are high. As a parent, you're constantly wanting to sort of show your relatives  how lovely your children are and when  the children really do also pick up on our own anxiety, they're like little sponges. I always tell my clients this, you know, think about your child as a little sponge.

And so if you're feeling particularly anxious about how your child might behave when you take them to see grandma at Christmas. they're going to be picking up on that.  And then  into the mix is grandma's expectation of how a child should behave. which is often vastly different from which is often vastly different from the parents.

And,  it can start at even at the hello, , your Children can get quite,  the stress of anticipation can make them withdraw. And so, the door opens, Grandma's there, arms open and your child hides behind your leg and Grandma saying, " come on, give me a hug".

And then as a parent, you're then  stuck between the two wanting your child to show affection, but also having sympathy that they're feeling overwhelmed. So it really can get  very tricky. And you feel judged as a parent. And that's your judgment, isn't it? It's the idea of judgment.

 I think the people that we most want. Our approval of is our parents.  And so, it's that that you're sort of saying go and say hello, say hello.  And they don't want to. So it can, yeah, it can just really make things tough. And this can happen at any time of year, understandably.

But what is it about Christmas in particular that makes it? So much more tense. I think  it's like the hype, the songs, the  images of happy families.  It's just that height that Christmas in particular.  It's, it just should be this really happy family occasion. That's a big expectation.

It's the big expectation. Exactly. And it's just that one day. So I think that's probably what makes it worse at Christmas. Then there's also the whole gift giving,  that, you know, comes into it and you, you can get a child that says, I don't, they open it and they say," I didn't want that". Children are brutally honest.

They are. Exactly, we've got lots of messages coming in about this because our listeners have been in this conversation as have many of us. I'm sure you have. Yes. I'll come to your particular tips in a moment, but people are getting in touch to say. Uh, difficult questions around Christmas. Okay, I remember a New Year's Eve party and being asked about when I was going to have kids.

Yeah. Privately going through a long and gruelling fertility journey. Always a difficult conversation. And I wish more people were sensitized to that. Happily, I now have a nearly 12 year old, which is great to hear. So I suppose there's a Is there a balance between perhaps biting your tongue to try and keep the peace, but also wanting to stand up for yourself, defend yourself?

Yes, yes, absolutely. I mean, interestingly, I had, I had this very experience. I'd  lost my first baby during pregnancy.  And I,  my mother in law,  I didn't realize at the time, she didn't mean it, but she asked me how many months pregnant I would be. by now. and it was so painful.

Of course it was.  And I really had to bite my tongue not to say something nasty back. But also I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to  have a voice for that feeling. So I actually thought about it and the next day we went for a walk and I said, You might not have realized it, but it was very painful.

She was so upset. She actually cried. She said, I just didn't realize. So I think, , the other thing, I think if you're anticipating these sorts of questions, whether it's, you know, what are you doing with your career or, you know,  are you still single?  It's quite good to think it through in your head beforehand and play the scenario and work out your response.

Yeah, absolutely. And I'm always advising parents to  have a response that is,  clear and assertive, but doesn't necessarily blame the other person for the question that they've asked. We have another message here that's come in from someone. They text us to say, I was asked how my partner and I planned on having children.

We're lesbians, so it's not quite as straightforward. We don't want kids, didn't seem to be the answer they wanted. So it's not just parents, it's those people. Yes. Uh, even without children. that are having to handle these invasive questions about their love lives, about many things. So  what are your top tips for dealing with those uncomfortable conversations?

It's a great question. And I guess  it would come back to that assertiveness. It would say, I'm sure you're really keen to know that answer.  And actually it's not one that I feel comfortable in giving you. Okay. Um, I think that's just quite a good. That sets some boundaries without being defensive.

Without being defensive. "I can understand why you'd, why you'd want to know. And it's not, it's something we've not decided to share". There's another dynamic here that often comes into play at Christmas time as well. And that's, When you're back with your family, back with your siblings, falling back into those old behavioral patterns from when you were growing up, when you were children together, particularly if you're going back to the family home.

So how can people deal with that as adults? I think, it's also,  trying to think these are actually adults. You know, my bossy older sister, my brother that lounges on the sofa, they are still adults. They are still having an adult life. I feel like you're talking about my family right now. 

And it's trying to relate to them,  in that way. Rather than trying, you know, it happens when we go back,  to a school environment and you sort of revert back to that person you are at school, I suppose it's just thinking,  I'm an adult  so maybe I could say, look, are you going to help with the washing up without that defensiveness.

Another top tip is coming from one of our listeners. They say, I like to add and you to the end of my questions or any questions that they receive difficult questions because it gives them a taste of their own medicine, to have to answer their own questions. Yes. Yes. And what about you? Good tip. Yeah.

What do you do? What do I do when I'm asked a difficult question? Um, I, I mean I think I've often had it more around my children. So, it might be,  Isn't he walking yet? Or,  she still in nappies?  And if I was going to come back, I would  maybe make a joke.

That's quite a good one. Okay. So, you know, is she still in nappies? " You know, as long as she's not out of them by the time she goes to university, we're okay by that.  But tell me about you, what's going on in your life?" So you can cut, you know, whether it's a direct related question or on indirect, just,  just putting, putting the emphasis back on that other person.

Okay. I'm going to be honest with you. I Always filled these types of questions from family members. I tend to just walk away. Which I don't think is the best response.  

Should I be less defensive? I think it's going to help. I mean, if we're talking about navigating tricky family dynamics,  what I'll always say to the parents that I'm coaching is, and  this is very much  related how you relate to your child as well. Think about the result that you want. 

If you don't want a child to have a massive tantrum about something, then, just think, "well, if I speak to them in a really harsh tone of voice, I'm probably going to fuel it". So, equally,  just walking away, it's kind of passive aggressive. So I would say,  it's just always better to try and, and talk things through.

 But, when, when, when related to a child, just think about what result do I want?  I doing this to please the other person? Am  I saying something to my child because,  I know that grandma wants me to scold them, but actually, I know if the result that I want is that I've showed my child that I've really understood they're feeling embarrassed, they're feeling a bit stressed,  they're feeling anxious, then scolding them is not going to help that.

That's a great point. And actually, you've given us some really practical tips there, Camilla McGill, parenting coach. Thank you so much for coming on to Women's Hour this morning. I found that really useful. It's been a pleasure.