Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Turning Conflicts into Connection
Ever feel like your marriage is a battleground where only one side can win? Discover how we turned our heated disagreements into opportunities for growth and unity in this episode of "Doing It with the Daniels." Join us as we share our personal journey through the rollercoaster of marital conflict, reflecting on how our divergent communication styles once clashed and caused turbulence in our relationship. You'll hear Tesa's heartfelt account of learning to express herself without resorting to hurtful language, and Charles' admission of his past mistakes in dominating conversations.
We also delve into the transformative teachings of Emerson Eggerichs' "Love and Respect," which reshaped our approach to resolving conflicts. By prioritizing our relationship over winning arguments and committing to listening with empathy, we found a path toward greater mutual understanding and respect. This episode isn't just about surviving disagreements; it's about thriving through them, fostering a stronger, united partnership. As we wrap up, we reflect on how our newfound unity has fortified our marriage. Let’s strengthen relationships together.
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You were very skilled with your words and so you could say things to kind of push my buttons. I'm just thankful that it didn't push me to going back to the old person. Yeah, you know, because it could have Now that I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 2:You almost got real close.
Speaker 1:I think that was like I'm about to get you up off me. I'm about to get you up off me. You keep playing with me.
Speaker 2:You just got tired of the bad year, for I did. He was like you know what you acted like a real b right now. Welcome to doing it with the daniels, the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry.
Speaker 1:I'm charles and I'm tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life life and enrich your ministry.
Speaker 2:Let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing it with the Daniels. Hey, welcome back to another episode of Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry. Come on, come on. I'm glad to be back here, glad to be back all right, it's another episode, you ready I think I'm ready all right, well, uh, what's on the table today? What do you think we should share with people today?
Speaker 2:well, I think it's gonna tie into where we left off and it's kind of like fighting, arguing disagreements yes all of that yeah, and, and we're not talking about physical abuse, that's not the conversation, but really just those disagreements and heated conversation. Yes, we shouldn't call it fighting, maybe yeah heated, disagreements, agreements, debate, because it's gonna get heated. Yeah, in the relationship you're not going to agree when you are becoming one. The spirit of compromise is not going to always avail itself Right. The spirit of understanding is not going to always show up immediately. Sometimes compromise, understanding, empathy is going to come after a blow up Right.
Speaker 2:Unfortunately. But if you're not careful, a lot of damage will be yeah in that process. Um, back to what you said earlier in our last episode about um fighting resentment, right and bitterness um, I think that is like the seed, or that's the spark, yeah, of the blow up yeah and then when you have a personality like yours I remember your personality was my personality, yeah, your personality because I'm I'm pretty much outspoken. I'm gonna say what's on my mind, right? You, if you feel like it's gonna create tension, you'll kind of hold it in.
Speaker 1:I'm like, well, I ain't gonna say that because I don't want to go there just yet well, I had to learn to read, so I was learning how to communicate in a different way, because my communication wasn't the best back in the day. Well, what was it back in the day? So my communication was really, really bad back in the day. Um, so I think I used a lot of uh, language that I shouldn't have used, and so when I was, when I felt a certain kind of way, it's like I had to hold it because I didn't want it to come out the wrong way, I didn't want to say the wrong things, because I was learning how to communicate differently and I would say better, because I grew up around, you know a lot of. I just grew up around a lot of. What do I call?
Speaker 2:it A lot of colorful language.
Speaker 1:And I think in a lot of you know a lot of people do, and so you don't understand that that's not the way you need to communicate, that's not the way you talk, that God is not pleased with that. So I had to learn that, being an adult, like in my adulthood. So I had to learn how to change the way I communicate, especially when it's heated, when it's arguing, disagreeing and all of that and, even more importantly, with your spouse yes yeah, like that's just not the way we talk about.
Speaker 2:no, I think it's very important that we understand that, that you're going to have disagreements, you can't have arguments, because you're not going to always see things the same way. Although you're one as a couple, you're still two very different individuals, and you know, you and I, we're very different.
Speaker 1:Very different, very different. Nine day.
Speaker 2:But we had to learn to appreciate our differences, yeah, right, but until we learned to appreciate them, those differences Clashing yeah Right, but until we learned to appreciate them, those differences, pre-clashing challenges yeah yeah. Last. And it got heated at times, it did. And so what happened in those heated exchanges? Like, how did you respond to those things? Because once you got saved, I mean you was wanting to live for God and God delivered you from using profanity.
Speaker 1:Right, what did that look like for you? Like a heated debate um I think you know at first, I would hold a lot of stuff in and I probably would do a lot of like slamming of cabinets.
Speaker 2:I just went back in the past. I just want to make sure you told the people the truth.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna tell the truth, I mean, because it is what it is. You know, I had to grow and I had to learn um and so and it's nothing to be ashamed of, it's just what I did um back in the day so while we were taught, while we be in the discussion, that got heated.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you happen to be near a cabinet door yeah, I would slam a cabinet door or something.
Speaker 1:you know it is what it is because you are very skilled with your words, and so you would. You could say things to kind of push my buttons, and I would never, ever win an argument.
Speaker 2:No, I made sure you were you.
Speaker 1:You, really. You made sure I'd never won. My job was to shut you down every time and you did, you did a good job at it, you really did, and so. But I'm just thankful that it didn't push me to going back to the old person. Yeah, you know, because it could have now that I'm thinking about.
Speaker 2:We're close.
Speaker 1:Why you say that.
Speaker 2:Got real close one day it did.
Speaker 1:It did get close one day, oh my God. But what was that about?
Speaker 2:I'm trying to think I don't even remember what it was about, but I know it almost got physical up in there.
Speaker 1:Was it that bad? It was bad, it was bad. But I'm trying to think.
Speaker 2:The man pride in me, can you take it? I had learn restraint and well self-guided holy spirit, the spirit of temperance had to arrest me.
Speaker 1:I think that was like I'm about to get you up off me. I'm about to get you up on me, you keep playing with me, and so um yeah, I'm gonna tell him what you said.
Speaker 2:Hey, I think you just got tired of the bad year for it. I did. He was like you know what? You acted like a real b right now, and you ain't say the word, you just said the letter b and I was like oh, baby, it's oh, we could do it. If that's what you thought it was bad it was bad, it was really really bad.
Speaker 1:I feel bad, I really feel bad. But that was my way of communicating. I think in that moment that was my way of getting you off of me, because you were going in on me, um and like with your words, and I never, ever felt like I and I never really wanted to win, I think, an argument, but I wanted you to hear me and you wouldn't hear me, and so I think that's good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was just like, ok, let me just and you know, in the world and where I come, come from, and what I was used to growing up is like, hey, I, just Because you out, get you up off me, you know, I'm going to shut you down, and I wasn't using that language anymore and I was having to figure out a different way to communicate in that. Not even that, but just heated conversations. You know what I'm saying? Because that will take you back and that's what a lot of people that use profanity, that's what that one thing that they said a struggle with is, when they get into heated conversations, they can end up backsliding and going back, and so I didn't want to do that in that moment, but I mean thank.
Speaker 2:God, you never. You never did. Thank God you never did. But it was just it. Like you said, it's learning how to navigate those things in a new way, right, a way that honors God. But I think even with that, we didn't honor each other because, like I said, my goal was to make sure you didn't win and you knew that you wouldn't know when you went over. Talk to me, you want to out, talk me, right, right, which created damage within itself because, like you said, you didn't feel heard, right, and then, at the same time, for you, it just it brought up a level of frustration that could have took you back, taking you back to an old place, right, or put you in as a wife and kind of shut down mode, like there's no point in me even talking to you.
Speaker 1:Right, and that's how I feel. A lot of times I felt like you know, what I say doesn't matter, because you're not hearing me, you're not really understanding and you're not listening to what I'm trying to convey to you.
Speaker 2:Now, when you say, under hearing me, what you're really saying, because we had to learn this, you're really saying I want you to show understanding about what I'm saying Exactly, and I don't think I think we messed up because I were listening. Well, I know, for me, listening wasn't about understanding. No, you just was about waiting on you to pause so I can jump in yeah and attack you already in your mind, got what you're saying oh yeah, I'm finna. Dissect everything you're saying, dismantle it and show you where you wrong. Right, so you can.
Speaker 1:You realize, you the problem and that's what you did for a while right and it was wrong it was wrong, unfortunately, yeah uh, but that I don't think that's what I did no, no, you didn't do that.
Speaker 2:I think for me that that came from a place of pride, right? Uh, not wanting to be wrong, not wanting somebody to point out something about me they didn't like Exactly and really putting it back on you, you did that. There may have been some gaslighting in there along the way that's painful, like no, it ain't me, it's you Exactly. What you see is not what you think it is. You just got to deal with it you.
Speaker 1:the problem, it's all you. I'm I'm fine, but you gotta work on you yeah and really in the reality it wasn't all me yeah, it got.
Speaker 2:It got real ugly. But I will say this as we navigate through that, I think one of the first things that we learned that really began to help us was, uh, this one principle that we teach, even to other couples, that your spouse is not your enemy, not your enemy. And once we start implementing that, we stop fighting each other because we still had disagreement, yeah, but we stopped looking at each other like you're the enemy, exactly, and I gotta eliminate and annihilate the enemy, yeah, because you fight like that and like it's not physical, but with your word yeah you really you're trying to destroy that person, if you're able to, for for some people it's profanity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, cuss you out, because I know that's what's gonna bring you down. For me I'm not gonna cuss you out, but I'm gonna show you where you wrong and you think it is wrong and you just all jacked up and you are the problem. Right, right, right and so, but either way, it's still tearing one another down.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, and we had to learn. Number one we're not each other's enemy. We have to work through that and we had to learn how to talk to each other, communicate in a way that was still respectful, right, while getting our point across. I think what helped us with that. As I think back to those times, you remember the time we had the conversation about I times. You remember the time we had the conversation about uh, I think I said to you one time I was like man, you talk to the people on your job better than you talk to me. Yep, you did, and we, we started talking. We actually had a conversation about that, like we're in a covenant relationship. Yeah, we helping each other, pay these bills and everything by it and take care of our family. Why would I talk to you that worse than I talk to the people I work with? You see what I'm saying? Yeah, we go to work and we so nice and sweet and everybody loves us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then you come home and you dogging your spouse out.
Speaker 2:Yes, you disrespectful, you mean you inconsiderate. We had to come to understand. That's not right. You're my covenant partner.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You're my wife, I'm your husband. Why would I talk to you that way Exactly? If I talked to anybody, it'd be to be the people on the job.
Speaker 1:Yeah, talk crazy.
Speaker 2:But but seriously, that really helped trick us Right.
Speaker 1:I was like no, wait a minute. We quote maybe you've read about uh, the person that wins the argument in emerson ari's book, yeah, love and respect.
Speaker 2:He had a line in there, and I mean just one line, but it really made a big impact on I know me and I think us yes, as a couple, but I think me so because that was where I was.
Speaker 2:He said whoever wins the argument loses the relationship that's so good and when I saw that, I was like wow, and I began to see how, over the years, me winning arguments was pushing you away, away from me, and I didn't get it. I didn't understand that that's what I was doing. I thought I was shutting you down and you was like going away and being done with it. Okay. Now it's like, okay, you realize I win, it's over, hey, let's go on with life. But really it would.
Speaker 2:It could have been feeding that seed of resentment yeah and bitterness and rejection, because when you're not hurt, you feel rejected, exactly rejection, and it was like I don't want to be close to you I don't want to connect with you, nope.
Speaker 1:I don't want to connect with you. I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to talk with you. Nope, I don't want to connect with you. I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to talk to you because every time I bring somewhat of maybe just an issue or concern of mine about you, you just don't shut me down, and so in my mind I was like I ain't going to talk to him about none of that. Even if I had a thought of coming to you and talking to you about something, I was just like it's like I would talk myself out of it because of past issues and past relationships and or things that you may have said in the past, and I was just like you know, I just have to deal with it.
Speaker 2:With not wanting to feel yeah, rejected or unheard, or Definitely unheard yeah yeah, I think that's huge.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean that's something we have to navigate through and make a decision that in our communication we both have to work on, yeah, I did. Let's make sure. Ok, we're going to disagree, but here's the other principle let's make sure we honor God.
Speaker 1:Yes, even in our disagreement. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's where, excuse me, that's where the fight came in. For us to really make that transition of this can't just be a tag mode. It has to be a communication that God is still honored, right In how we're talking to and treating one another.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And that's when it made it bigger, because it went beyond. I'm just talking to you. You start to say a minute, god is observing this conversation, although it's just me and you in the room, right. God is aware of everything we're saying to one another. He's aware of how we're making each other feel right in this conversation. Yeah, and I think for me, I didn't want to talk to you at times because I didn't like door slam. You know like that was triggering for me, like you, you slamming doors. I'm mad, I'm thinking, oh, we get ready, you want to do something?
Speaker 1:Or if I raise my voice.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, cause I'm that was, I ain't like being yelled at Like, don't yell at me.
Speaker 1:But you don't understand. I was not being heard. So you know, women, when they feel like they're not being heard, what do they do? They project their voice. Not being heard, what do they do? They project their voice and sometimes I don't even feel like I was yelling, yelling you because you know I would say I would say this is yelling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say I'd be like why are you yelling at me? I'm not yelling at you. I'm like you don't hear that your voice is because I would stay, I would be intentionally calm, and some of that was because I knew it would only frustrate you more. So let me stay very calm and very pleasant tone. And so when you get worked up, why are you yelling? I'm not yelling. Like you didn't hear the change in your voice.
Speaker 1:And see, some of that was mostly passion, Passionate about what I'm trying to convey, what I'm trying to tell you right now. You're not listening. That's all that was I felt, because you know, yelling is just like you were hollering, like you screaming.
Speaker 2:I don't think I've ever done that well, I guess talking loud yeah, I didn't like, because you don't typically talk loud it's.
Speaker 1:It's a different tone for you yeah you're typically very soft maybe louder, but it's passionate because I'm trying to get through what I'm trying to say and you just wasn't listening, you wasn't getting it. So I just I had, I felt like I was, I had to do those things sometimes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in the beginning, and I think we do that. We find ways to cope with, ways to navigate around which, if we don't get the proper tools, yeah it makes us even more toxic exactly yeah, and I think we did.
Speaker 2:Here's another thing we do what we saw. Oh yeah, in our own home, oh yeah, we thought work, um, when really it didn't. Both of us come from broken homes. Yeah, our parents are both divorced, right, and we saw disagreements, we saw arguments, we saw all of that and we saw how those things were handled. Yeah, I know, in my household it was like it just kind of got real quiet, went away or whatever you know, but it was almost like I think I would hear my dad at times like if he disagreed, he just disagreed and you wasn't gonna change his mind, like you talked, you blew in the face, whatever you know, and I think I also took that approach, like that's why I would kind of shut you down like yeah, this is whatever this is.
Speaker 1:Like I'm the man is what I say.
Speaker 2:I'm the man and you shouldn't be arguing me anyway. But it was totally wrong and I had to learn to hear you. I had to learn to open my heart to receive even the steps that we put in place and we can't about. In the book that I wrote communicate and connect, where we talk about those communication things that help couples, I wrote communicate and connect where we talk about those communication things that help couples and that's really, yeah, those tools, those steps are what really changed our?
Speaker 2:it for the better. Yeah, I mean because we begin to implement that one skill of empathy. Yeah, and I remember when I learned it and started implementing it into our communication, what began to happen, like I put myself in your shoes and I began to hear you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And when you begin to talk to me and I heard you and I was in your shoes and tried to feel what you felt our arguments were like done, they were like that.
Speaker 1:No, it was more like we were talking to each other and getting an understanding.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because you would say how you felt and instead of me snapping back, twisting around, turning on you like you need to deal with it. Get over whatever I said.
Speaker 1:You're right and you know, when you started that, I was like I was thinking to myself uh, you know, because I'm used to getting all this other stuff, you know, from you, and so when you started I was like wait a minute, it's something different, you know, and I wasn't used to that. And so then I had to learn how to start back opening up, because I didn't really want to open up to you anymore, and so that was a new thing, that I had to learn that. Ok, it's safe, now I can go to him and I can say these things.
Speaker 2:Because I didn't even tell you, no, I just started doing. You just started doing it, and that's why, even in the book, I tell people, uh, that you don't need your other spouse or partner to be on board, so you use these strategies exactly to start improving your relationship yeah, because I never knew yeah, you didn't know until later.
Speaker 2:When I told you what I was doing, I was like I was trying it out, yeah, to see if it worked. I was like I was trying it out, yeah, to see if it worked. I was like, ok, I'm going to try this, I'm going to try that. And as I began to do it, I realized everything you were saying, because you love me, we're a couple. It was valid, yeah. And when I looked at it from your perspective, not mine I realized I needed I should have done that different, right, or I should have said some things different. So we love for the other person to be wrong. Disagreements don't just pop up out of nowhere.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:It's a way we think, in a way we view things, and oftentimes it's a very selfish view, but when I step out of my own view and stepped into your seat and your role and how you saw it or how you felt about it, I was like I would feel that way too if that was done to me. I apologize, I was like I would feel that way too, if that was done to me. I apologize.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it was like at first. He was like wait a minute, oh, I'm being punked or tricked or something. I was like what Hold up? But it changed, it did.
Speaker 2:It started to change and we it almost to a point we stopped. We really stopped fighting. Yeah, we still had disagreements, yeah, but really stopped fighting. Yeah, we still had disagreements, yeah, but they weren't fighting. No, we had discussions. We started understanding each other better, yeah, and we grew from there and that's where we begin to as we wrap up this.
Speaker 2:we kind of got into learning to pray differently yes, in our, in our marriage and that really, I think God began to open our hearts and shed some light, yeah, on how to navigate our marriage, in a way, once again, that honors him.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And how we pray for one another and deal with those differences or those disagreements. Right, because even here we are, 19 years later, and we are still becoming one.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know there's a lot that has happened.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But we're still different. We still don't agree on everything, but we're so much. We still don't agree on everything, yeah, but we're so much better at understanding one another.
Speaker 1:So much better yeah.
Speaker 2:Or even accepting those differences and being okay with them, yeah. So we learn how to fight better. Now we have more peace. Yes definitely, and we celebrate our differences now. Now I did not appreciate your differences. Now I appreciate them because I see the value they bring to my life, right To our family, to our ministry. I'm glad you're not like me, cause that'd be a mess.
Speaker 1:Oh two, two of you walk around here. Yeah, that wouldn't be good.
Speaker 2:But see, but see, I also. My differences are also the strengths where you're at yes so yeah, and so that's where the balance comes in, and when we learn to appreciate that things started to move a whole lot better. Yeah, it did, and we stopped being hit in all these different areas.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We learned how to stop fighting each other, fight the real enemy the right way and work together, which is what God ordained for marriage.
Speaker 1:It was good.
Speaker 2:It got better. Come on, it got better it got a whole lot better. Come on, we're wrapping this one up. Hey, it was all good, y'all closes out. I think I didn't say it enough. You said enough.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was good. It was good, so I hope y'all enjoyed this episode of doing it with the daniels.
Speaker 2:We will catch you on the next one, all right hey, thank you for joining us, for doing it with the daniels. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast absolutely, we'll see you next time, thank you.