Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
I'm Tired of the Disrespect
Ever wondered how to maintain respect in your marriage even when you don't feel respected? This episode, we tackle that tricky question head-on, sharing personal stories and practical advice to help you navigate those moments. Charles and Tesa dig into the complexities of sustaining mutual respect, exploring how the initial efforts to impress each other can fade over time, leading to feelings of being taken for granted. Through our own experiences, we emphasize the importance of mindful communication and the dangers of letting negativity erode your relationship's foundation.
Join us as we candidly discuss the challenges of respecting boundaries and the harmful impact of disrespectful communication patterns. We reflect on our personal struggles, revealing how adhering to biblical principles has transformed our interactions. From avoiding phrases like "shut up" to understanding the critical balance of love and respect, we share insights on continuous effort and mutual appreciation, essential for a healthy and loving marriage. Our conversation is a testament to the growth and understanding required to maintain a respectful relationship.
In our final discussion, we highlight the significance of aligning our actions with spiritual principles and maintaining a right standing with God. By seeking divine guidance and steadfastness in faith, we underscore the importance of giving respect unconditionally, regardless of reciprocation. We also stress the necessity of prayer and righteous actions in navigating marital challenges.
Thank you for tuning into Doing it With the Daniels, and stay with us for more enlightening discussions next week. Don't forget to like, comment, subscribe, and share our podcast!
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How do you respect your spouse even when you don't feel respected?
Speaker 2:Here's the thing. I feel Welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles.
Speaker 1:And I'm Tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry.
Speaker 2:Let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing it with the Daniel. Hey, welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles, I'm Tisa, and we are your hosts for the day. Baby, what's up?
Speaker 1:Nothing, much. What's?
Speaker 2:going on. I'm good you ready to jump in again.
Speaker 1:I am ready to jump in.
Speaker 2:Awesome, awesome. Well, listen, what are we talking about today. I know it's going to be good.
Speaker 1:So today I'm going to start us out with a question. Is that okay?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's a little different.
Speaker 1:It's a little different, but I think it's going to be good.
Speaker 2:Okay, what you got.
Speaker 1:So how do you respect your spouse, even when you don't feel respected, or respect it?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's a good one that's a good one. That's a good one, all right, so we're gonna answer it at the end.
Speaker 1:We're gonna answer it at the end.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we'll come back and we'll answer it at the end. Okay, oh, that's good, that's good. Well, so what are we jumping in into?
Speaker 1:Respect.
Speaker 2:Still the same thing, same thing. Yeah, respect, wow, okay.
Speaker 2:Well, I think that's a big deal in a lot of relationships it's a huge deal yeah, when it comes to respect, especially after you've been married for a short period of time, I don't think it takes long. It takes long for people to navigate their relationship before they get to the place where they start feeling like they're being taken for granted, right or overlooked, or no longer being considered or treated with the same level of respect and value. That's typically there when you first meet someone to start dating. I mean, you know, when you meet somebody, you come in giving them your representative.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Most of our representatives are great people, right.
Speaker 1:They are awesome people.
Speaker 2:How was my representative?
Speaker 1:Great, how about mine? Pretty good, pretty good, pretty good Until. Good, pretty good Until.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't remember. You don't remember, I don't remember when it went sour it, just you know. It went sour you know well, you know when you're with somebody and you're seeing this person a certain type of way, and then all of a sudden you get another aspect of them and you're like, oh you ain't as sweet as I thought you were.
Speaker 2:You got another side to you. I see, and I think in marriage you get to that at some point. It's like wait a minute, what's this? We got to navigate this other thing that comes in to really try to destroy the relationship.
Speaker 1:Do you think it could be? We just get comfortable with one another.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's the key word. You get comfortable with one another and you stop showing that respect. Or, I can go to this point you stop trying to impress that person.
Speaker 2:You know, when you first meet somebody, you really want to impress them. As you're growing in the relationship, you're still trying to impress them. You want them to still like you over the long haul. But when you feel like you got them, you know, I think it's that idea that it clicks when, oh, I got you, now you're not going anywhere. Right, I can let my guard down. I can stop trying to really impress you and try to make you like me or see the best in me. Maybe you already see that. So now, if you see some other parts of me, you're more forgiving. You kind of let it go and so we become comfortable with it.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to figure out. When did I become comfortable with you? When do you think?
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know if you're even all the way comfortable with me now. You know, I don't think women become comfortable as quickly as men. I think, just as a woman, you all, naturally, are just reserved in certain areas. Now, not all women, some women are just a little out there, but I think a lot of women with class and a certain level of respect for themselves, even in their marriages with their spouse, they're not just you know whatever, whereas for men we kind of at a certain point, you know, we're like okay, I got you, you love me. Hey, I'm going to be a man, and we start belching and you know all the burps coming out and you know the gas and all of that and all you know all that goes on within the relationship.
Speaker 2:And so a lot of people are like I can't believe you did that in front of me, I can't believe you're doing that, and it's because the whole representative piece is going out the window and it's kind of like. I don't view it as disrespect, it's just uncomfortable. But what happens when you get so comfortable that you start losing the level of respect and value you should have in the relationship? Right, yeah, what kind of ways have you seen in relationships, whether it's ours or others, where, when that respect is gone, what starts to happen?
Speaker 1:Well, you start to talk like not you, don't you just be disrespectful towards your spouse. Especially with your language, with how you talk, what you say, all of that so that's what I'm trying to think about like a time where we had an issue where I guess I'll say what I may have been kind of disrespectful in certain ways towards you in our marriage, because I know it happened early on, you know, yeah, during that time, and I think you actually called me out on it a couple times.
Speaker 2:You know, when you first start dating you talk real good to each other, even when you have disagreements. You see what I'm saying. Yeah, like you make up because you really like each other. Most people now, some people fight like cats and dogs. You know they just have probably communication challenges and emotional management challenges, all that. But you typically work through things a little bit better when you really like a person, love that person. So you talk different. But as you get married, as you said for us, there comes a time where, oh, you start kind of shooting off and it's like huh, what was that?
Speaker 1:about yeah, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:What was that about, I think, for us. I think one thing that you did in our relationship is when you started saying shut up.
Speaker 1:Hmm.
Speaker 2:When I would say something that you didn't like.
Speaker 1:Not one of my finest moments.
Speaker 2:No, no, but it had become normal because you got uncomfortable and it's like okay, well, we in this, you shut up talking to me.
Speaker 1:I said that yeah. Well, you said it first, though.
Speaker 2:No, I don't know about all that. You don't think so I don't know about all that. It was me. We both have said it at some point. Uh-huh, but it's just like you know. Yeah, you shut up, talk to me. Okay, you shut up, talk to me too, and so you end up going to places that you didn't go before. Yeah, it's almost like breaking out of certain boundaries of respect in a relationship.
Speaker 1:I think, though I and I'm not making excuses like it was wrong. I shouldn't, I shouldn't have said that at all, but I think in those moments when I was saying, that it was probably because you were shooting off on me about something and I just needed to get you up off me, and so I would probably just go into that man, shut up, or something like that.
Speaker 2:That man, that man, that Memphis man.
Speaker 1:So, but it was really bad and I feel like once I understood like the word and what God says about women respecting their husbands is like okay, I was like whoa, I need to really check myself, because this is not. I'm not honoring God and I'm not honoring you by saying that. And so I had to learn how to communicate, because it's like you probably was saying something to me that I didn't like, but instead of me telling you what it was, I just was, I would just go there, and that's not the place that I should have went to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's true for both of us, even for me, as I started to look back and realize where the Bible talks about husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. When you really start to internalize that and you meditate on those scriptures, it changes your perspective of how you treat and interact with your spouse once you're in their marriage. I mean, we can be really reckless, yeah, with our mouths and we don't realize too. When I think about the scriptures that we're referring to now in ephesians 5, we can be reckless with our mouths and we forget that it dishonors god yeah.
Speaker 2:When we do that, you know we think well, we just dishonor one another. But marriage is a God ordained idea. Right, it's a God union that God has put together. It's a covenant God put together for two people especially. We know, like us, he brought us together. And I think that's another good point too, where just because God put you together doesn't mean it all Perfect. Yes, it don't all come together just perfectly. You still got to go through the process, although God was a part of bringing you together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because we're two imperfect human beings.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So you know everything's not perfect and so we always tell people there's no perfect marriage.
Speaker 2:Not at all.
Speaker 1:So you can have a good marriage but, no marriage is perfect. Like you're going to have disagre disagreements. You're going to see things differently.
Speaker 1:You're gonna go through those times where you have to have tough conversations and you got to learn how to communicate, and I think that was the thing for me. I had to learn how to communicate instead of like saying things to get you off of me when you were trying to talk to me about something, or maybe say something that I didn't like. I think usually it was saying something that I didn't like, yeah, and I would go another place, and I shouldn't have.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then too for me. I have to admit that I push your buttons at times. On purpose, because I knew it would set you off, I knew it would frustrate you, I knew it would make you mad and I just would antagonize.
Speaker 1:But why? Because you could.
Speaker 2:Because I could, because I could, and then too, because sometimes I just you was getting on my nerves or whatever you was saying. So you know how you do before you mature in a relationship. It's almost like shooting back. It's like, okay, you throwing this and that at me. Okay, well, let me hit this and this, and you kind of go back and forth with that and then you get tired talking about it because nobody's getting anywhere. Your pride is involved, right Ego is involved, and then you're just kind of like man, shut up. Talk to me.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, and I didn't like that at all. I didn't, it just irritated you, I didn't. Yeah, it irritated me is what I'm used to. This is what I do, or I used to do, and so I would go there. And I wasn't trying to go there, I was trying to be different, I was trying to be this changed person, and so I was just like why does he keep doing this?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know I'm the type I don't mind picking on you. I know it becomes, it's entertaining.
Speaker 1:See, and I had to learn that. I had to learn that because I didn't understand. You know, that's how you are.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's not a bad thing, but back then it's just like I just wasn't ready for all that, but at the same time I had to learn to respect kind of your boundaries.
Speaker 2:That you didn't like it, right? You know what I'm saying. So if you didn't like it, then it's something that I should have pulled back on, but we had to grow to that, yeah, yeah, yeah, we had to grow to that and learn the value of truly respecting and honoring one another in the relationship.
Speaker 2:And I think those scriptures we talked about was a big part recognizing God and how he felt about how we talk to each other, like sometimes people minimize that you know, you, my wife, I'm your husband, so God's not no, god's a part of all of this. If we're going to be a God ordained couple, if we're going to honor him, and so the way we speak to one another needs to honor God and be a representation of how we should treat one another in the church, as Paul often the apostle Paul laid out that marriage should be a reflection of the marriage union of Christ and his church. So when people see our marriage, they should see the relationship that we have with Christ. Yes, they should see a honorable and respectful relationship, especially among believers. Right, and many times we really don't represent Christ and his church well in our marriages because we mistreat one another, we devalue one another, we don't respect one another as we should.
Speaker 2:I think the biggest revelation that came is I think there was one day I came home and we had kind of been at odds with each other or was at odds with each other. And I came back around and I was like I said you know what this is bad? This is not good for us to talk to each other. And I came back around and I was like I said you know what this is bad, this is not good for us to talk to each other like that. I said we don't even talk to people we work with like this.
Speaker 2:And I think I started talking to you like you don't talk to your supervisor or your boss at work, like you talk to me. And he was like what do you mean? I said well, you don't tell him to shut up, do you? And he was like no, I said well, why you tell me to shut up? I'm your husband. You just work for him, right, but you okay with telling me to shut up. Don't he make you mad? Sometimes he was like yeah. I said well, why don't you tell him to shut up then, since you can tell me to shut?
Speaker 1:up yeah. And I think that was a light bulb moment for me. I'm just like, wow, that is true, like you go out here and you're respecting everybody else but the one that you're doing life with, the one that you're supposed to pray for love and nourish and respect and honor and reverence all of that Like you're respecting them but you're giving all these other people all this respect out here. So that was like a turning point for me.
Speaker 2:I think I had to like reevaluate yeah, I think that was for both of us, because even I thought about it. I didn't deal with my co-workers that way. It was respectful, and here's the thing I wanted them to see me as a respectful person. So why do I want to see these people, want these people to see me as a respectful person? So why do I want to see these people, want these people to see me as a respectful person? But I don't want my wife to view me as a respectful person, like you supposed to let it go. You supposed to, you know, not pay attention to it. No, you're a person too, exactly, and you should see if, if other people see me as respectful, you should feel like I'm respectful towards you. That's right. Yeah, so that became a big thing.
Speaker 2:It really helped us be more respectful towards one another and really think about. Wait a minute, how am I treating my spouse? How am I honoring my spouse at home and not going out here trying to honor everybody?
Speaker 1:else and make everybody else feel good yeah, that was a big turning point for us, for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that helped us tremendously.
Speaker 1:Yes, it really did.
Speaker 2:And point for us, for me, yeah, that helped us tremendously. Yes, it really did, and I think it brought a new level of understanding of how we engage with one another, and that's when we really had to start working on communication, exactly. Okay, let's work on how we talk to one another, and even if you felt like saying something out of the way, I'm not going to say it. If I can hold it at work, guess what? I can hold it at home guess what.
Speaker 1:I can hold it at home, exactly, yeah. Or you know, just going to you and just talking to you about how I felt, about what you were doing or what you said, that helped me, cause I just used to shoot off. You know, that was my get get off me. You know mechanism so, and I had to learn how to talk, how to, how to actually go to you and say, hey, I need to talk to you about X, y, z and be honest about that, without all the extra stuff. I guess it's without the emotional part. Yeah, you know, and so that helped me out a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's huge. I know for me, because of certain experiences in life, having gained a certain level of emotional management, I'm very and just my personality. I'm very mild-tempered, yeah, very calm personality. I'm very mild tempered, yeah, very calm. Yeah, we've never had a drag out shouting, screaming, yelling at one another like that's not even. No, even if, even if it went there like I don't even you probably would leave no, I wouldn't leave. I'll probably just look at you like what is this, like what's that?
Speaker 1:when I say leave, I'm just like just take a moment and just hey, I'm going for a drive no, I'm not even do that, because I'm just gonna be like what's, what's like who you?
Speaker 2:yelling at that's what I'm saying. Who you hollering at like?
Speaker 1:bring it, but we just never.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that that never happened no, no, that's never been a thing. Yeah, I think voices have been elevated yeah, yeah, but it was minor you know, nothing crazy, crazy with that. You know, but then we really kind of bring it back around to wait a minute If this is not respectful, if this does not honor bring honor to our marriage, and then we learn this as well, that I think the whole winning the argument situation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was you right there.
Speaker 2:You always wanted to win. I wanted to shut you down.
Speaker 1:You shut me down every time.
Speaker 2:Yes, I did, and that's why I was like get off me.
Speaker 1:I had to get you off me.
Speaker 2:But you know, what helped me is when I found out that winning those arguments Loses the relationship I was losing the relationship. Yeah, I was losing the relationship, and that's when that started to change me as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And how I handled you in those relationships. Because I realized that, yeah, I might be shutting her down and I feel like now that's disrespectful to your partner because it was cutting off your opinion, your views, the things you wanted to share with me. It was just counseling all of that. And I realize now I was losing your heart. Every time I shut you down, another piece of you was like okay, let me withdraw.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because do you remember, in those times when you would want me to talk, I would say I can't talk to you. Yeah, I can't, I can't talk to you, and that's. And the reason why is because I felt like I couldn't get through to you. Yeah, and when we were talking, have conversations, or when you were on, that shut me down moment I was just like you know, sometimes I felt like what's the use? Because you're not going to listen to me, you're not hearing what I'm trying to say, and so, yeah, you were losing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think women go to that. I think men also go to a shutdown. They just go silent. And here's one of the dangerous things when it comes to men when a man does not feel respected by his wife Respect is a big thing for men in general. So when a man doesn't feel respected, he feels the need to take his respect, and some men turn violent toward their spouses in order to feel respect. That's why guys fight in the street. Many times it's over respect, right. And so when they don't feel respected at home, some turn to those same tactics of I'm going to beat respect out of you so that you know not to disrespect me.
Speaker 2:So men really have that need for respect, just as the Scripture talks about. Women have that need to feel loved and valued and with that, love is a level layer of respect. So I don't want people to think when you say love your wives and Bible says love your wives it means just love them, don't respect them. Well, if you love her, you're going to respect her. Yeah, yeah. So that's, that's big. But I think that really made that turning point for us yeah, it really helped me.
Speaker 2:Now back to what's this question again, so we can answer the question and maybe help somebody with that, because I know there are a lot of people who struggle with that type of situation.
Speaker 1:So how do you respect your spouse when you don't feel respected?
Speaker 2:Oh, here's the thing I feel. Some people say respect is earned, not given. I totally disagree with that statement. I feel like respect is given. If you're a respectful person, you show respect even to people who don't show you respect. Exactly so, even in a relationship when you don't feel respected, you still show respect. When it goes back to, the Bible says God is not mocked. Whatever a man sows, that shall he also reap. Look, just because somebody s disrespect to you doesn't mean you show it back to them Exactly.
Speaker 2:You don't render evil for evil.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:You don't give vengeance, you don't put vengeance on people because of what they did to you. If you're supposed to be a respectful person, you show them respect.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:You still respect them, you still honor them and you pray for them that God will open their eyes and their understanding so that they will give the same respect back to you. What do you think? Those are my thoughts on it.
Speaker 1:That's exactly what I was going to say. Take it back to the word and what does the word of God say? And do that. And so if I'm respecting you, you respect me. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2:And, I think, the last part, we'll end with this it doesn't feel good and it's not easy. It's not easy, and so you have to ask God, you have to ask Holy Spirit to help you do it Exactly. It's not going to feel good.
Speaker 1:No, it's not going to feel good. It's not going to feel good to be disrespected.
Speaker 2:No, not at all. But if we approach it that way, we want to stay in right standing with God, right? So let me do what I'm supposed to do.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:And pray God, help to navigate this, so that my other partner will see hey, we've got to do some things different.
Speaker 1:Right, so always do the right thing, do the right thing, especially according to the word of God.
Speaker 2:Absolutely 100%. Well, listen, thank y'all for joining us. We're glad to have you for another episode of Doing it With the Daniels. We'll see you next week. Hey, thank you for joining us for Doing it With the Daniels. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast. Absolutely. We'll see you next time.