Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Blended Families- "You Ain't My Daddy"
Imagine never envisioning yourself married to someone with a child until a profound sense of faith guides you into the role of a step-parent. Charles shares his transformative journey from initial hesitation to embracing the path of step-parenting, alongside Tesa, who opens up about her fears and hopes of finding a partner who could truly love her child as their own. Together, they reveal the heartwarming story of how acceptance, faith, and love can create a beautiful, supportive family dynamic.
Balancing discipline and affection in a blended family can be a delicate dance. Charles and Tesa provide insights into the emotional challenges of accepting each other's roles in disciplining their children. Through personal stories, they highlight the journey from initial struggles to a united front, emphasizing the importance of raising respectful and well-mannered children together.
Finally, we explore the concept of a "bonus parent" and its powerful impact. Reflect on personal anecdotes about step-parents who became pivotal figures of stability and love, despite initial resistance. The discussion underscores the necessity of love, honesty, and commitment in blended family dynamics. We conclude with practical advice for couples to wholeheartedly support each other and their children, thereby enriching everyone’s lives. Join us for an episode filled with heartfelt stories, practical tips, and uplifting encouragement for anyone navigating the complexities of blended families.
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What do you think the role is for the biological parent and the step parent when it comes to blended families?
Speaker 2:That's. That's that's big, I think. Welcome to doing it with the day is the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry.
Speaker 1:I'm Charles and I'm Tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry.
Speaker 2:Let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing it with the Daniels. Hey, thanks for joining us for another episode of Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles, I'm Tisa and we are here for another episode. Baby, you ready to jump in? I'm ready. Good, good, good, how you feel. I'm feeling good today, feeling good, you feel good.
Speaker 1:Look good.
Speaker 2:Come on, oh, come on. You talking about me, or you you, oh, okay, come on, you look good too. Oh, thank you. I always like how you look. You're so good, we feel good. Play good. When you play good, they pay good. They gotta make that money. Don't let the money make you after that what we talking about today we are talking about blended families today. I think that's a hot topic it is a very hot topic.
Speaker 2:It's a lot that goes on with blended families and it needs to be addressed okay, all right, so let me pose this question for you.
Speaker 1:Okay, what do you think the role is for the biological parent and the step parent when it comes to blended families?
Speaker 2:that's. That's. That's big, I think. Biological parents. We're talking about two parents, one probably in the relationship, one out we can look at both of those and then the step parent, which would be one in there. Come on, look, let's answer that at the end. Okay, I think that'll be good, all right. So at the end, hey, y'all hang on to the end and we'll address that for you, especially those of you struggling with navigating your blended families. So what's up? So we're a blended family, we are a blended family and what that looks like. So it's interesting. What about you?
Speaker 1:so my parents are divorced, but they didn't remarry until later, so I didn't have to grow up, you know, with a step parent or anything like that lucky you, so I was lucky in that aspect, yeah, but I had. Well, we have a blended family, yes, so we had to learn how to navigate that. So how do you feel, or when you decided to, to get married? I don't think marrying a woman with a child was something that you were planning on doing it just kind of happened yes, no, I wasn't.
Speaker 2:I mean, as a young man in my 20s, I mean I had this vision I'm gonna marry this woman and we're gonna just gonna be her and I, and then from there we'll start to produce children together and grow our family that way. Yeah, I never had the thought of I would marry a woman with a child. It just wasn't something that I considered like it. I never thought that would be my life. Yeah, you know, but like you said, it happened. Yeah, and that comes from number one. I wanted to be with who God had for me and if God had a woman with a child for me, I was cool with that. Now, if he had a woman with multiple children for me, I don't know, you don't know you have to pray about that one.
Speaker 2:Oh, I fast and pray, I don't know, because that's a lot of responsibility.
Speaker 1:It's a lot of responsibility, but a lot of men do it yes.
Speaker 2:And I respect and commend those men because it's a big deal, right, it's nothing to play with. I mean, you're taking on more responsibility than a man who's just marrying a woman. Yeah, you're taking on what they used to call back in the day a ready-made family, exactly you know. So you're going into it with a family.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I don't want women with multiple children to feel like they can't get a man because they have multiple children.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we know women who have multiple children.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That are married. Yeah, there are men who are willing to. They love you enough and will accept you and your children exactly, and would be happy to take you on, yeah, and build their life out that way, and it does not bother them one right.
Speaker 1:So so you can have a happy marriage even if you have children. Don't feel like, because you have two or three kids that you know you're not gonna be able to find anybody yeah, definitely, definitely, I think it's.
Speaker 2:I think it's a great opportunity, yeah, um, for both parties, I mean especially for the children. Yeah, if you marry the right person that's going to be a father or a mother to your children and play their role as they should, I, it's going to bless those children tremendously.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So for me, when I was um dating you and you know had Tyler, I used to always feel like I'm not going to find anybody to love my child like his biological father would.
Speaker 1:And that was just so crazy to me. You know, looking back and thinking back on that, um, because you know God sent somebody who like really really loved my child, just like that was his child, and so I can say that that's something that you did. You loved him like it was. He was your own, not even you, but your family, like your mom, your, your sisters. They never use like step anything. It's like Tyler is like your child and so there's no difference. They don't play, they didn't pay a difference when you know Trey came along and you know Tyler was by himself for the longest.
Speaker 2:He got all the attention, so he got all the attention.
Speaker 1:He was so spoiled and you know he took really good care of him. But I just look back on that and I'm just like man. I thank you, god, you know you sent me this man who really loves my child, um and you just treated him like he was yours, and I just really really appreciate that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we've all heard the horror stories of things that go a different way. I was blessed because my mother, uh, when I got ready to marry you, I shared with her you know, yeah, I want to marry her and yes, there's a child involved. How do I approach that? I think it's the question I kind of posed her and she kept it real simple. She didn't go into any elaborate detail, she was just like you know what to do, do what's right. She said love him like he's your child. If you're going to marry her, then you have to accept her child as he's yours. Yeah, and you love him, you take on the responsibilities of a father and you give him all of the duties that are owed to him as a father. If you're not going to love her and her child as you should as a husband and as a father, she was like don't marry her, you don't have to marry her.
Speaker 1:So if you're not going to do what you're supposed to do, don't do it, because then it gets in a situation of you I'm not treating you right and you're seeing your child not being treated and loved properly yeah which is going to obviously going to create problems between us yeah, and so those were some of the signs that I was looking for to see how you treat him, versus so much of how you're treating me, because I didn't want to get with somebody who was going to disrespect, be mean to my child just because you know they can, or they really didn't like him, and so I was looking for that, but I never saw any red flags or signs that you know you were going to be like really mean, vindictive, treat him a certain kind of way, you know, and so that's why I felt comfortable moving forward with you, because I knew it was important, you know that I find somebody that would treat my son like that was it? Like you were his own, like he was yeah, so that's one thing that I can really appreciate. But I think it wasn't easy, I would say, because, especially when the discipline came into place, it was really really hard for me to be okay with you disciplining him in certain aspects, and I remember, you know, when they're so young and they're so little, you just like, oh, like, oh, that's my baby, and you don't want them to get a whooping. You know it's like I can whoop them, but I don't know about you whooping them yet Whooping Don't be talking about whoopings over here.
Speaker 1:I don't want to say about whooping, disciplining, no so. But you know it was hard, was hard for me, you know, um, because I had to really really know that you loved me and that you loved him, and so when they're little, you know, you just don't, you don't want nobody touching your baby, right? You don't want nobody whooping him. And so it was really hard for me.
Speaker 1:I think, um, when he had to get a whooping when he was really, really young, you remember I used to have to leave the house, yeah, I would get in my car and I would have to leave the house because I could not stand to hear him, uh, getting in trouble yeah you know, and so that was really hard for me. Um, back then, but I think it kind of switched when he got like in middle school and he had to get a whooping and so I wasn't leaving the house, then I was like, yeah, get him.
Speaker 2:Whoop, that trick get him.
Speaker 1:I didn't say that I didn't say that, but I remember you was, you was whooping him. He had did something like so bad and I was like yeah, and I'm in the background, get him. You know, because such and such and I'm like oh my god, this is crazy. But and it was still hard for me, uh, but I knew, because you were doing that, that you really loved him. You know you really cared for him, you cared about him, you wanted him to grow up a certain kind of way, you wanted him to be a respectful young man. You know you just didn't let him be just wild out here. So I can really appreciate that.
Speaker 2:But it was hard, yeah, it was really hard I know we believe that we cannot spare the rod.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:You know, everybody doesn't agree with disciplined children. I'm a firm believer, we're firm believers. They have to be disciplined, otherwise children can go crazy. It's not all corporal punishment. It's not all whoopings like that.
Speaker 2:You know there are different aspects because we see there's a different way we discipline our oldest child. While he may get them, it's different. There are different ways we can go with him and that's the thing people have to realize. With your children, all your children, are going to be different. Yeah, how you discipline them needs to be different. You can't use the same thing for every child. Because some kids need whooping yeah, some don't need whooping, right. Some you just got gotta take something from you, right, you take them from. They fall right in line. Yeah, you know they just value things so much, or whatever it could be. So I think that's that's key. I remember the first time I had to get him, had to get Tyler we were still dating, mm-hmm, and it happened just naturally. It wasn't anything like you want me to get him or he had been falling out in the floor throwing tantrums. He was just at that age and you kind of just let him just holler like whatever.
Speaker 1:He'll stop when he's done and I was like so I would get him later.
Speaker 2:Oh, you didn't get them in front of me.
Speaker 1:I didn't get them in front of people. Oh, okay, no.
Speaker 2:But I got them. Well see, I thought I was like okay, so need some discipline around here, because you just letting him act a fool, because you remember when we would go to the restaurants and he would, You'd take them to the restroom.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'd take them to the restroom. And I used to have to say you want to go to the restroom, I want to go to the restroom. But sometimes I'm like come on, go into the restroom and I would take care of him in the restroom, go back out. He's a perfect child. But yeah, I didn't really like just discipline my child in front of people. But oh yeah, he got it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think he was doing all that and throwing his little tantrum and probably the first couple times I didn't say anything. But after that I just got tired. I snatched him up so quick, like you better stop. He like what just happened and I looked at you like well, hope that was okay, like we in this now, hey, hey.
Speaker 1:But that was nothing compared to like at the house, Like when we got married and you know.
Speaker 2:And it wasn't any abuse, no, no, no, like it was really, it was love, it was discipline.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, we're never going to abuse our children, no. But we are going to discipline them and raise them in the proper way because we don't want them to get out here in society and lose their mind.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly.
Speaker 2:So being a blended family is real. Like I said earlier, I think If a man is going to marry a woman with children, if a woman is going to marry a man with children, number one you need to make sure you're truly going to love and accept those children Right Like you're going to accept that person Exactly? And if you're not, leave them alone. That's not the relationship for you. Don't talk about, I'll try it and it'll get better. No, you would do better to go on about your business. Yeah, exactly Because.
Speaker 1:Don't talk about.
Speaker 2:I'll try it and it'll get better. No, you would do better to go on about your business.
Speaker 1:Because what you're going to do is you're going to damage those children.
Speaker 2:You're going to bring harm to those children because you're not going to treat them right and you may not do anything directly to them, but they're going to feel the lack of love in the home.
Speaker 2:They're going to feel the lack of value in the home and that one spouse. What will happen is they will try to overcompensate for what their step parent is not, is not doing. Yeah, and that does not work right. You can try your best and that child will know you love them, but they're still going to see that this parent here does not treat me right. They don't care for me. They may not even want me here right exactly and that's. That's hurt, yeah, and harmful to children.
Speaker 1:Especially and I think people need to just really understand that the children are affected. Yes, More than anything.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And it just it takes them into like their adulthood, and sometimes that's why they act out. Yeah, because of home life, yeah, because of what they have to deal with at home, and they can feel when they're unloved. You know what I'm saying? They can feel when they're not wanted, and so I think it's very important that, if you're going to marry somebody with child or children, that you really, really understand that you're not just getting that spouse, you're getting them and what comes along with them. It's a package deal, it's a package deal.
Speaker 1:And you have to accept the whole package, yeah. And if you don't want the package, hey, move on. Move on, ask god to send you somebody else with no children. And I think people need to be real and say you know, I don't want to have, I don't want anybody with kids. If you know that deep down inside that you don't want that, then you need to. You know, not get with anybody and saying, yeah, you know, I'm gonna see. Like you said earlier, let me see if it's gonna work. Just go on and just be done with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, be honest about it, yeah be honest about it because, like I said earlier, you're going to hurt those children. Yeah, in the long run you may never know it, because most times children don't have a voice right when they're growing up or they get blown off like you don't know what you're talking about. But that child knows what, what that child is feeling right and as they get older they'll be able to articulate yeah. Yeah, I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel valued, I didn't feel wanted, I didn't feel appreciated by by you yeah and it.
Speaker 2:It also can damage that child's relationship with their biological parent.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2:It can breed resentment.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, yeah, because they already have to deal with certain things you know already, with the biological parent not being there.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So it just adds on to that. You know that trauma.
Speaker 2:A hundred percent, mm-hmm, I think that's so real. But there's a way you can do it right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Love them like they're your A hundred percent, I think that's so real.
Speaker 2:But there's a way you can do it right. Love them like they're your child, show respect for them and give them the duties. If you're going to be a parent, be a parent. Which means for me, like with Tyler, I took a position of that's my son. So whatever I would do with my son, I'm going to do with him. We're going to go to sports. We're going to do to sports. We going to do sporting things. We going to hang out. I'm going to feed you. We going to talk. We going to talk about girls as you grow up. We going to talk about life. We going to talk about bullies. We going to talk about whatever. If you need a parent at school, guess what I'm showing up at the school.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and see, I love that about you because when a lot of people meet, you says this when I met your husband, it was no step, nothing, that was his child and uh, and nobody like you didn't have to tell anybody that, hey, that's really my stepchild or that's not my biological child. You never like walked around doing any of that. They said when I met him that was his child and they didn't even know it unless we told them right, you know yeah or unless they looked at him maybe and saw you know oh, he looked just like your mom.
Speaker 2:But they say, if you feed them long enough, they start to look like you. Yeah.
Speaker 1:But I love that. You know people, people can they say that about you, like you know when they meet you. It was never Tyler was step anything. That was his child, and so that's how you approached it. You know, with people that you knew and people that didn't know and people that did know it was never. Yeah, this is my stepchild or anything like that. It was your child.
Speaker 2:I knew what I had experienced being a stepchild Not all bad, but not all good either and I did not want to put that on somebody else. You see what I'm saying. I didn't want him to feel. I didn't want him to ever feel what I felt yeah as a stepchild I wanted him to know that I might not be your biological father right but I love you and wherever I gotta show up for you, I'm gonna show up for you.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna be there for you and I'm gonna do everything I can to see you succeed in life. Yeah, and that is what it is.
Speaker 1:And you did that yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, I did the best that I could, you did that and so much more.
Speaker 1:Yeah Did more than a lot of people would do. Yeah. I mean we do what we can.
Speaker 2:Yeah, to make everything work the best way it can work. Yeah, so back to your question, your original question. Go into it, tell me again so I'll make sure I'm clear on what you asked me. I don't remember. Oh, you don't remember. Okay, you asked me what's the role of the biological parent and the step parent, right? Yes we're gonna make you some note cards or something, so you get remember usually I have it in my notes.
Speaker 1:I don't think I write right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you just want to ask questions so so I think we talked about it in this episode yeah the role of the biological parent, or setting those boundaries and really understanding, uh, as a, as a step parent, you function like a parent, right? Like move the step out. You're just a parent. Yeah, be a parent to that child. Um, the biological parent has the, has the responsibility of supporting. Like, don't make it a, that's my child, you got nothing to do. No, when it comes to discipline, when it because when it comes time for shopping, you, you want some of my money, right, right. When it comes time for food, you want me to pay for the meal. I can't sit. Sit at the table. I'm paying for you, baby, I ain't paying for your kids.
Speaker 1:No, that's crazy.
Speaker 2:So if I'm going to be a parent that feeds them and puts a roof over their head, then we're going to be a parent at all times, and so both parties. So the biological parent has to understand that this parent has a right to correct your children, and you may need some understanding about what that correction looks like, because a certain level of trust right needs to be there for that, uh, step parent to do certain things in correcting that child, discipline that child.
Speaker 1:That's when all parties, all the adults, need to be able to, if possible if possible if possible, they need to get together and talk about what they need to do for the well-being of the child yeah you know what I'm saying take the children in consideration and if y'all can talk about you know boundaries or what will work and what won't work, then you need to do that, because I know some people with blended families. You know they don't discipline the child. They send the child to the biological pair and make them be the disciplinary because they don't want you know the other person discipline and or anything like that. But you gotta kind of talk and figure out what works for you, because everybody's situation is different yeah but it always needs to stem back to what's best for the child, what's?
Speaker 2:best for the child at the end of the day, all parties involved yeah need to consider what's best for the child exactly and and, like you said, there needs to be an understanding between the parents that are involved in that process. If the biological parent outside of the home, the other parent is not in the child's life, yeah, then obviously the biological parent and the step parent need to work together and have that understanding right. If the other biological parent is involved, then they all need to understand on what this relationship looks like, and I think that still goes back to what you said. We work together to do whatever is best for the child which means we need to get along.
Speaker 2:We don't need to be bickering and arguing back and forth and acting crazy with each other. We need to do what's going to be best for this child. See, all of our parents all of us as parents have history, yeah, but we have to be careful that our histories don't shape the future of those children.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2:And so I think, understanding that, even when it comes to like ballgames, let's just use this, for example when we go to the ballgame as a step-parent, I got a right to be at the ballgame. Yeah, step parent, I got a right to be at the ball game. Yeah, just like the biological parent, right, but I'm going to respect that biological parent. Yeah, wanting to be involved. I'm not going to get in the way of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you see what I'm saying so.
Speaker 2:So when the biological, when the kid, wants to hug his biological parent, I'm not going to try to run and get the help for hug first. Yeah, no, that's that child's father or mother or whoever. I'm gonna let them have that, because that's they should have, their relationship yeah you know. But at the same time I want to hug too right, because you live in the house with me, you know I take care of you I love you, just I want.
Speaker 2:I'm cheering for you too, right you know. So, real step parents really want, they want the same thing yeah, exactly but I think we have to know when to step back and make hey, yeah, that's that biological parent and their child. I gotta respect, yeah, their relationship, you know and that, and the biological parent also has to respect it. Here's something key that biological parent can't sow bad seeds into the child, especially when they're with them outside the home.
Speaker 2:And then you send that child back to bring chaos back into their family unit with the parent and the step parent. Like, like, don't do that. If you're a biological parent and this the step parent is doing right by your child raising your child, loving your child, providing for your child Don't say little crazy stuff, yeah, when that child is with you and you sow seeds in this impressionable child to try to turn them against a step parent because you don't like the fact that you're no longer with. You know the mother or the father. Don't do that. Grow up, yeah, be mature and realize, hey, it didn't work out right, but I'm not gonna poison my child and then make them toxic to the relationship when they go back home.
Speaker 1:Yeah. You see what I'm saying, yeah.
Speaker 2:Hey, are they treating you right? You're doing good. You're doing good in school, they're providing for you. Okay, then you keep doing the good work. You show that man respect, you show that woman respect and you don't get out of line or I'm going to get you Right. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, and then they learn wait a minute. I need to respect this step-parent and teach them to value them. Like, wait a minute, that's your, I'm the one that you came from, but, due to circumstances, this person is a good person. They're doing right by you. Respect and value that you see what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I look at it now. Some people use the term bonus parent.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've heard that.
Speaker 2:I think that's a great term, yeah it is good. Most of us we have two parents. We got a biological mother, biological father right.
Speaker 2:But in a step-parent situation, while you know it's not the greatest of circumstances if you get the right one. You got a bonus parent. You got somebody else now that's taking on the responsibility of your well-being as a child, even as an adult now. My mother and my stepfather I had a great stepfather growing up. He was kind to us. I mean, we played ball together. He was like a father as much as he could be up. He was kind to us. I mean, we played ball together. He was like a father as much as he could be. Now he's never heard me say this, but I'll say this on our podcast Me and my sisters was like man, you're not our daddy, man, you know, but we got a daddy. We don't need you to be our daddy. You married to our mama.
Speaker 2:You was in middle school though right, yeah, well, I think, yeah, middle school going to high school.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, don't need you be no daddy to me.
Speaker 2:But as we grew up and matured I realized he did play a role a fathering role.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, and he did it well, although he did as best as he could. He would have done more If you would have allowed it. We didn't allow it. We didn't to be more of a relationship. As I get older, I see the error in that now, but I was younger and I was mad because my parents weren't together and I'm like you know, I don't need no replacement. My dad, but he's a good he is a good man.
Speaker 2:He's a good man he's kind and I'm grateful for him being married to my mother yeah that he was willing to take my mother and her children and provide a comfortable life for us. We didn't have a bad life. You see what I'm saying. He provided a level of comfort that my mother would not have been able to do on her own. You see what I'm saying, and even that is not perfect, but I appreciate what he did do, because he didn't have to do it Right.
Speaker 1:He is a's good man and I just, I love, I love that, love that story, and glad that you recognize it now, because you couldn't see it as a child, you know um I was trying to defend my dad. I got it, dad and even with, you know, tyler coming around like he's not like acting like oh well, that's not her biological grandchild. Like he's not like acting like oh well, that's not her biological grandchild, Tyler.
Speaker 1:You know he did more with Tyler than he did with Trey, you know almost because you know the dynamic, like they going out deer hunting, you know just all kind of stuff Fishing and everything Like yeah, and it was just amazing to see you know how he loved him and you know he didn't have his.
Speaker 2:you know, biological yeah, I think divorce, if divorce is involved, or just having children out of wedlock, yeah, it's not the ideal situation, especially for us as believers yeah but it can't. It doesn't have to be a bad it doesn't have to be terrible if the adults involved exactly would handle it with dignity, respect and honor for God and value for those children and that's what I was going to say.
Speaker 1:Like, with God being present, I feel like my situation was really, really it wasn't as bad as I thought you know it could have been. You know, having a child and and trying to figure out, you know, am I going to get married? And then you know, because you've got to consider all of that, not only are you marrying somebody, but you've got to figure out their side how are they going to treat your child, you know? So it's all of that that plays a part, and I was very grateful that God was with us you know through all of this.
Speaker 1:So it was good.
Speaker 2:Sounds good to me. Well listen, I enjoyed that Did you enjoy that.
Speaker 1:It was good yeah.
Speaker 2:Hopefully that helps some couples out there that are in blended families or those that are thinking about marrying someone with a child. Listen, we're all for it. We support 100%. Just make sure you do it the right way, exactly, and really love that child the same way you're going to love that, that partner.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And honor God and man. God can bless that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it can be a good thing.
Speaker 2:It can change a child's life.
Speaker 1:Yes, it really can. I think our son really knows that you love him.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I love him. Oh man, that's my dude right there. Well, listen. Thank you all for joining us for another episode of Doing it With the Daniels. We'll see you at the next. Go around, Take care, hey. Thank you for joining us for doing it with the Daniels. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast. Absolutely. We'll see you next time.