Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Juggling Love and Parenthood
Ever wonder if your marriage might be taking a backseat after kids enter the picture? Get ready for a heartfelt conversation on "Doing it With the Daniels" as we unpack the often-overlooked shifts that occur in a marriage post-children. By sharing our personal journeys, we shed light on how prioritizing your relationship with your spouse can lead to a more stable family environment for your kids. From redistributing household tasks to managing potential conflicts, we offer actionable advice and stories from couples who've successfully navigated this new chapter in life. Whether you're a new parent or juggling multiple roles, you'll find practical tips to keep your marriage strong.
We shift gears to discuss the importance of prioritizing your marriage over your children for a healthier family dynamic. Too often, couples let their relationship revolve solely around their kids, leading to long-term strain. We dive into how maintaining a strong marital bond, even by something as simple as regular date nights, can prevent dysfunction from becoming the norm for your children—and even your grandchildren. Drawing on biblical principles, we stress that a solid relationship between spouses is the cornerstone of a harmonious family life. Tune in for essential insights on balancing the attention between your spouse and children, ensuring your family thrives in love and unity.
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What I realize is that couples that put all the focus on children usually end up having problems in their marriage. Yeah, but couples who keep the focus on the marriage, the children are automatically careful.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because the husband and the wife are together Exactly. Welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles.
Speaker 2:And I'm Tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry.
Speaker 1:Let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing it with the Daniels. Hey, thanks for joining us for another episode of Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry. We are here today with another episode. Thank you for joining us. What's up, baby?
Speaker 1:you ready, we ready, ready, ready to jump in. Listen before we jump in, let me encourage everybody. We appreciate you guys watching, uh, these episodes and we want to ask you to make sure you subscribe to our channel, make sure you like it, like this video, as well as share it and give us a comment if we, as we navigate through this episode, tell us what you're thinking, tell us what comes to mind. We just want to hear from you, all right, we love to hear from you guys, so talk to us, all right. Hey, hey, my dear, what are we talking about today?
Speaker 1:we're talking about marriage after children marriage after children, wow, and I mean we understand that, because we went into this with a child and we also added a child to our marriage. So I mean, what do you think about that?
Speaker 2:I feel like you were more affected than I was, so what is your take on that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was interesting. I mean, obviously you had already had the child and was being a parent. I mean, obviously you had already had the child and was being a parent, but adding a husband. I think you're still affected by it, you know, because somebody else is now coming in disrupting the dynamics of you and your child's life and you know that's a prominent figure as a father coming in and a husband being added to the mix For me. I came in with the awareness of there's a fathering aspect. That's a part of this, that I'm responsible for a child's life, as well as making you feel comfortable enough to trust me to be a father in that child's life. So I think we all went through certain changes. We all were affected by it, but it wasn't bad. No, it wasn't.
Speaker 2:I think we all went through certain changes we all were affected by it, but it wasn't bad.
Speaker 1:No, it wasn't. I think ideally is. We think about couples who are married and there are no children involved and then they have their first child. Yeah, how does that impact the marriage? Because I mean, when there's no responsibility to take care of a child, where do you go from there? Because before that you're just kind of doing what you want to do. Both parties can take care of themselves. They're responsible adults. I mean, you, you want to take a trip, you just go. You have to worry about school and packing kids and all of that. You just do what you want to do as a couple. You don't have to worry about getting a babysitter who's going to watch the child. You have to worry about roles of who's going to take care of the child. None of that comes into play, yeah, um, in those situations. But when it does come into play, how do those relationships begin to change?
Speaker 2:I think it begins to change because there's sometimes there's conflict you know, in taking care of the child and I think for the woman is pretty much the majority of the, of the of the responsibility is on her yeah she feels that yeah and so she can sometimes become resentful and bitter because it's like I'm doing all of this, what are you doing, you know?
Speaker 2:and then it's like when they're babies getting up at night, it's a lot, you know, you try to rotate, okay. Well, I got up last time. It's time for you get up. This is a lot of changes in the relationship when kids come into play.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think every couple is different Just trying to navigate hey, we added a child. What does this look like?
Speaker 2:I think it's really good for every couple to do what's best for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and some couples I think need guidance.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:They need somebody they can trust a trustworthy couple that can guide them through how to handle this addition. It's a welcomed addition yeah, it is, but it brings greater responsibility and can bring a stress on the relationship because it's new. It's something new, you can't ignore it Right, and it has to be properly handled.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's not always easy no like you mentioned some of the things of getting up at night, who's gonna get up? I mean, in some cases, if a mother's nursing, like when we had trade? Yeah our youngest child you nursed, so there were no bottles for me to get up and prepare for the most part, yeah, unless you know it was pumped or something yeah, but for the most part that was something you had to take care of I wouldn't say you had it easy, I did, have it easy, I did.
Speaker 1:And that's why we say couples have to navigate it based on their relationship because you really took control of just that mothering role and nurturing, and I'm gonna take care of this child and and so for me it was like, hey, just go, do you? You know, I started a business during that time and I was gone a lot of part of part of major part of the day, while you were there with.
Speaker 2:But I stayed home for a while too. Yeah, and so I think that's a big thing, because what about when both of them work?
Speaker 1:Both couples work and we did. We experienced that, yeah, and both of them work. Both couples work and we did we experienced that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's like it's a lot that comes in, like who's going to get the child ready in the morning, who's going to drop them off at daycare, who's going to pick them up. You know all of that that comes into play. Who's going to take care of them when they get home, who's going to, who's going to bathe them, who's going to cook you know who's going to clean up, who's going to get their clothes ready for the week? Who's gonna pack the diaper bag, all of that?
Speaker 1:so it's a lot of responsibility it's a lot of responsibility and I think that's where couples need to discuss, and some of it you won't be able to discuss but because you just won't know, you won't have a context for these changes yeah and you've got to be flexible and you've got to be prepared to put to adjust, yeah, with the changes that come in the dynamics of the relationship.
Speaker 1:Now I think the key is just because children are born into the relationship. You can't lose who you are as a couple, right, and that's where a lot of couples mess up. They become so focused on raising children that they forget that they still have to care for their relationship.
Speaker 2:I think I'm guilty of that. I remember when Trey was born, it's like, ok, I got this little life that I have a response before and I got to take care of. And I'm like, yeah, you know you good, you know, take care of yourself. And it was me and him, you know, for the most part, like when he was first born, right, just all the time Attached at the hip, attached at the hip. And I think sometimes we subconsciously, as women, because we're nurturers, that we do that to our husbands. We kind of push them away and everything is about the baby and you got to bring balance to that.
Speaker 1:And I think we as men take advantage of that to a certain extent. We kind of push everything dealing with the baby on you all where we can help. We can't do everything, but we can help. And, to be honest with you as a man, being completely transparent, we don't really have the desire to do all of the baby care stuff. You know, we just want to be fun dads, we want to be good dads, we want to enjoy our child, but that, that's why you don't want the responsibilities yeah, sometimes the responsibility becomes a challenge.
Speaker 1:Now I'm not, you know, the responsibility of the daily care yeah, the task I don't want people to be confused of no, we want to take care of our child we want to provide for our child, we want to love our child. But the daily task, yeah, those little things, yeah, most fathers aren't really interested in that.
Speaker 1:We'll do it yeah but it's not something we're just excited. Oh, I can change pampers today. What color is their poop? You know, mothers look at that. They evaluate that stuff. Oh, it's runny, oh it's solid, oh, they need to eat this.
Speaker 1:You know, mothers are all in tune with what's going on in that baby, where fathers are typically going to be like, oh they, they seem to be all right, everything. Yeah, I changed the pamper. What it looked like, I don't know. I just changed the pamper. You know you don't care what it looks like, um, and even feel what they're gonna eat. Hey, whatever we got, feed them something as long as they're not crying. That's why you see a lot of fathers when the baby start crying, what do they do? Take the baby to the mother here, your baby crying because many times, like, what do I do? I don't know what to do with this, so so women seem to gravitate to all of that a little more than men do.
Speaker 1:But you can lose yourself in the relay. You can lose the relationship in the process of putting so much attention on the child. Um, I was talking to a couple, I was talking to someone not too long ago who was in a relationship. They've been married for several years and they have raised their children. Their children are adults, they're grandparents now. But he was sharing with me some of his challenges in the relationship and what it came down to is they haven't given attention to the relationship. They became parents and they put a hundred percent of the time they were together into being parents and so everything is about the child, raising the children.
Speaker 2:We're doing everything for the children and we get together. It's because of the children.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all of that yeah, everything became about the children and, and because of that, they lost their spark, they lost the reason for them getting married. Yeah, they lost that, and so now it's all about the children, about children, children are grown they're gone and now they're. They're like okay who are we?
Speaker 1:yeah, without the children, yeah who are we without the children? What do we have now that these children are gone? Because that's the part that was never nurtured right when it started going? I'm sure what probably ended up happening is they both recognized it at the time but they ignored it because they could throw themselves into the children. Yeah, so we, we come together on the children. We have a common bond, a common goal. We want our children to succeed and be successful, but we're ignoring the failure of our relationship and you recognize that once the children are pretty much out of the household yeah, you would think so, but here's where the conversation went to beyond that.
Speaker 1:Now they have grandchildren guess what?
Speaker 2:everything is about the grandchildren?
Speaker 1:it shifted yeah so, now that we can't put the focus on the children, we're going to put the focus on the grandchildren, still allowing us to ignore that something's off here and this is where kind of this conversation went to with this man who was just like I don't know if I want to be in this anymore, Like I'm at a point now where I'm ready to deal with the reality of what we've been ignoring exactly and I think a lot of couples end up getting in that place.
Speaker 1:It may not get to the point of children growing up and now grandchildren some get, get there before that they realize we're missing something we don't have. We've lost our reason for being married. Our togetherness, our partnership has has gotten lost somewhere and now we're focused on other things, trying to fill in the gap, just to stay together, and I think that's, I think I understand that, but I still think it's a danger it is very dangerous because it's just like they.
Speaker 2:Now you're married, but you don't. You don't really know that person anymore. You guys didn't grow together. You put everything centered around your kids and we even talked about that in our relationship. We was like, okay, we gotta do some things because these kids are growing up and they're they're gone. They're going like one's already out, the other one's gonna be out four or five years, yeah. And so we was like, okay, so what is our life gonna look like once he's gone?
Speaker 2:you know, for me and you, because it's just gonna be us yeah and so that's why, you know, we try to tell couples to stay together, date, get to know one another make sure you like each other yeah make sure you stay in love with each other.
Speaker 1:Make sure you have a life outside of your children exactly raising.
Speaker 2:That is good, because I feel like a lot of people. Once you start having kids, they become your life they become your life and it's fine, but you gotta have balance with that. I feel like you know if you're going on a family vacation, you need a vacation with just you and your spouse yeah, you know, and it may not be a vacation.
Speaker 1:You may go out of town for the family, you might do a staycation for you and your couple.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but whatever it is, you got to learn to do both. If you're going to, you know, do a family day. You need to do a day with just you and your spouse.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You got to make time for just you and your spouse without the kids, that's true, and for just you and your spouse without the kids, that's true. And I think it's hard because you got kids, you gotta find babysitter, you gotta find somebody that you can trust. You know nowadays so much going on with kids so you gotta find somebody that you can trust to watch your child so you guys can have that alone time to go back and reconnect. It's all about reconnecting and making sure that you stay connected.
Speaker 2:100 I think that's that's vital, and to maintaining order yeah the proper order, the godly, the biblical order for family, exactly, I think, keeping that in mind yeah, becomes important, and so the biblical order number one is god or jesus is at the head yeah right, the bible says christ is head of the man.
Speaker 1:uh, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so we got to keep that in perspective, that God comes first. Yeah, and then second is the husband.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay. And then third is the wife, and then fourth are the children yes, okay.
Speaker 1:The children. The children are number four. They at the bottom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they at the bottom, although're so cute and we love them and oh my god, but they still at the bottom what I realize is that couples that put all the focus on children usually end up having problems in their marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but couples who keep the focus on the marriage, the children are automatically cared for because the husband and the wife are together. And then, when God is in the marriage and they keep God first, god begins to be the center of all of that, all of what they do as a couple and as a family. But when they lose sight of that, it never fails. When a couple loses sight of who they are as a couple and they only focus on the children, it gets bad yeah, it is chaotic yeah, you can't.
Speaker 1:You may. You may do great at taking care of children, but if you're not taking care of your spouse and you all are in a healthy place, the children are affected by it because you become dysfunctional. Guess what? Those innocent babies, no matter how small or how big they become, if they're children in your household, they are affected by that dysfunction. They notice.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:They notice when things aren't right.
Speaker 2:They notice when y'all not talking. Yes, they pay attention.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they notice when somebody is frustrated, they notice when y'all not getting along, they notice all of that. When y'all not getting along, they notice all of that and if it doesn't change, it starts to become their norm and they start to be like, oh, this is just, this is how relationships are and I mean we're going down the road. Yeah, but if you look down the future for a lot of those children, they grow up thinking that's a relationship. So guess what they learn?
Speaker 1:dysfunction at home and they go and carry out that same dysfunction in their relationship. Yeah, as they get older and unfortunately that becomes dangerous.
Speaker 2:It's very dangerous.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it starts a cycle of dysfunction. And it's all because the order of the family changes Got rearranged from what God ordained it to be. But if we keep that order and we make sure, hey, we got to stay together. We got to stay on with one accord on the same page. We got to make sure we're healthy, make sure we're loving each other, we're respecting each other, we're spending time with one another and we're making sure we're good.
Speaker 1:Yeah because if we're good, we're going to make sure they're good together. We're going to function as two parents not just maybe one parent, putting all their attention over here, but ignoring this side of things, and it's easy to do, very it's very easy to do.
Speaker 2:I'm guilty. I think I did that with the boys. Everything was about the boys, making sure they were together and make sure everything was fine with them, and I'm thinking you're gonna be okay because you're grown and you know. You know how to take care of yourself and I'm not slacking, you know, anyway, when it comes to you. But I think my main focus was the kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I had to adjust and shift and change, in that, when I realized that I was, the balance was off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, people would be amazed how important attention is in a marriage. Children need attention but your spouse also wants attention yeah, your spouse wants to be engaged with you know, and if you're always blowing them off or you're, you claim to engage but really your mind is somewhere else. You focus on the kids, it's, it's. It can bring a separation in the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so you always have to keep that order in place, even when it comes to um spending time with god. Yeah, you know you gotta make sure that you do that, but then you also have to make sure you spend time with your spouse. So it's it's the order it's.
Speaker 1:It's balanced all the way across the board. How do we maintain balance with children, with our spouse and with God? And we got to constantly evaluate.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because you can get off really easy like you mentioned earlier yeah and because you're just going through the most you're doing, many times people are reactive yeah they do what they think is most important and so, as a result of doing what they think is most important, they ignore some other things, when really you just need to look at how do I balance all of the important, because all of it is important.
Speaker 2:All of it is important.
Speaker 1:How do I balance all of the important things in my life so that I keep building, keep growing and everybody is taken care of? Because a husband who's not taken care of is not a happy husband.
Speaker 2:Not happy.
Speaker 1:Not happy. A wife who's not taken care of is not a happy wife. You see what I'm saying, so that attention is necessary on both sides. Where men, it's not always children Sometimes they get distracted by other things, whether it's their hobbies, hobbies hanging out with other people, whatever the case I'll say video games is a lot of.
Speaker 2:I hear a women, a lot of women saying stuff about these days yeah, that's these days. Yeah, these days, I think, when we were coming up, mostly men were going to play basketball yeah so, and that was a lot. You know that he gonna play basketball, you know, but that's what they did then. But now it's more of the video game yeah and so trying to navigate all of that and making sure that, hey, I'm getting the attention I need and not the video game is getting all the attention.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's a lot and it's easy to do, because when you have children, if a husband's looking at his wife give a majority of her time to the children, well, naturally he's probably thinking, well, what can I go do? And in that little window, in that span of time, the woman can become so engaged with the children that it becomes her norm. Yes, the man, if it's video games or whatever, he becomes so engaged with that that that becomes the norm yeah and then they look up and a year has passed and it's like what's going on?
Speaker 1:why am I always in this room playing games and you're always in this room with the children? You see what I'm saying. And then, once the children grow up, now the problem really shows up. Yeah, like, wait a minute, why? Why are we even here? Once again, we're back to being roommates. Yeah, what we're doing, or it's?
Speaker 2:like when the kids go to grandma's house for a week or they go to a summer camp. Then you're kind of looking at each other like, okay, what we do, what we do without the kids and be happy when the kids come back. Yeah, because you don't have a life without them. You haven't created a life without your children. Yeah, so I mean, if you, if your children, go away for a week, you should be finding something to do together with your spouse something exciting.
Speaker 2:You should be excited about being together alone, with the kids, I mean all of that, yeah, 100, I totally agree, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think that's important, so I think that help. That will help couples who, after they get married and children, come along yeah just keep them, to keep things in perspective. The marriage is still important. Yes, your spouse is still important. Yes, you have another responsibility to take care of this child, but it doesn't mean you can now ignore the responsibility to provide that attention, that love, that nurturing for your spouse.
Speaker 2:So keep the order. God, husband, wife, children.
Speaker 1:And it'll be a blessed family, all right? Well, y'all, that's what we got for you today. Pray, you're blessed by this, and don't forget to like and subscribe to our channel. Make sure you share this and comment below. Let us know what you think about it. Let us know what you want us to talk about. We'll be happy to give you more information, all right, god bless. Hey, thank you for joining us, for doing it with the Daniels. If you wanna keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to Like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. We'll see you next time.