Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Our #1 Rule
Ever wonder why some marriages withstand the test of time while others crumble under pressure? Today, we're pulling back the curtain on the crucial practice of maintaining privacy in marriage. Drawing from our nearly two decades of experience, we promise to reveal the hidden dangers of oversharing marital issues with friends and family. Get ready to understand why turning to professional counselors instead of well-meaning but unqualified loved ones can be a game-changer for your relationship. Our personal stories will illustrate how our commitment to keeping marital matters private has fortified our bond and helped us navigate challenges as a united front.
Join us as we unpack the importance of presenting your spouse in a positive light publicly, despite any internal conflicts you may be experiencing. We'll discuss the negative impact of airing grievances outside the marriage and the long-lasting discomfort it can create during family gatherings. From emphasizing the value of resolving disputes privately to the nuanced dynamics of managing adult children, this episode is packed with practical insights to help you build and maintain a sturdy, harmonious marriage. Tune in, and discover the strategies that can empower your relationship and elevate your life.
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think it's vital that the couples understand that, that, yes, there are people, whether it's a therapist, a marriage counselor, someone like that yes, you go in and you have to share, you have to divulge that information in order to get the help that you need. But just sharing it with your mama now, no, that's that's. That's not what you want to do. Your auntie now that's been married five times and can't keep a man no, you don't need to be talking to her about marriage advice. Your uncle, who think he played other years since 93?
Speaker 1:No, stop talking to them. Welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles.
Speaker 3:And I'm Tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry.
Speaker 1:Let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing it with the Daniels. Hey, we're back for another episode of doing it with the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry. We're so glad to have you join us again today, baby. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be here. Come on, we better jump in here and get it going. What are we talking about? It's happy to be here. I'm happy to be here. Come on, we better jump in here and get it going what we're talking about.
Speaker 3:It's gonna be a good one. Today. We're talking about keeping people out of your marriage oh, keep them folks out your marriage. So when you say them folks who we talking about?
Speaker 1:oh, we talking about everybody everybody everybody, everybody everybody, I mean mama, daddy, sister, brother, everybody keep co-workers.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes everybody.
Speaker 1:Grandmama, granddaddy, yes anybody you can think of, keep them out. I think that is for us in our marriage, almost 20 years now, that has been the number one rule as a matter of fact I thought about this um, our family doesn't really, they don't really know much about our marriage and our journey over these last few years. They just know that we've been good yeah, right this is the first time they're hearing of the challenge. Now, obviously they're not idiots, so they know that we have had to navigate things right but they haven't gotten it firsthand from us.
Speaker 1:We've never shared and divulged information about our relationship. We've held things pretty close.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, that's one thing I think that we did. We never like, I never got mad at you and call my mom to vent.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You know, or my dad or anything like that, or cousin or anything like I never. Or my best friend, like I never called anybody to tell like what I was frustrated with you about. I always took that to God.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's not good, I think, for me. I can't. I don't have that testimony because I did share one time, you know, and I learned why that's our number one rule, um, and it didn't. It didn't blow real bad externally, yeah, but internally you were really hot at me, yeah, and uh, I think it was just in the moment, conversate in us conversing and just talking about, yeah, you know this, this, that and the other, and just sharing that. And when you found out about it, you was just upset about it and, to be honest with you, looking back now I realized that person couldn't help me anyway, right, like you had nothing to offer me, but just, you just want to hear my business, you just want to hear what's going on in my marriage and really, you want to hear something that's not good. Yeah, some you something you think is juicy because nobody, because on the outside, everybody's like, oh, they look like they great, perfect. So I got some inside information that this is and really what I was sharing. Yeah, it wasn't me. Yeah, it wasn't anything?
Speaker 1:No, you know, but even that was too much. Yeah, it was. Although it wasn't big to us, that person may have thought oh yeah, they got this going on.
Speaker 1:And some people just love to find the faults, and especially when they're not happy in the relationship they're in. And so you got to be watchful of people you know for the viewers. You got to be watchful of people who are always looking for the, the details of the, what they call the tea, the tea people always looking for the tea in your relationship. When people come looking for the tea, tell them there are no teas, teas in alphabet. Get you an alphabet, do that, but I don't have any t's for you, no t for you. Right, this is your relationship, is yours, and so that's why our number one rule has been keep others out, keep people out of your relationship, and that includes everybody.
Speaker 3:Now, we got one situation worked for us. I think that we had to go through that to get to where we are now, because had that not happened, I don't know if we would have done that so quickly yeah, or really been so rigid about it you know some things you be you're flexible about, but a lot of things, some things I think you need to be rigid yeah
Speaker 3:and like stern with and and, and say this is what it is and we're not going to violate this rule in our marriage and it's it's helped, or each other beneficial, you know because and I think the the big thing is, when you go around telling things that go on in your marriage to people that really can't help you anyway, especially family and when you guys make up and you go around that family, the family is gonna do what. They're gonna look at them upside their head like, okay, I can't believe she with him, I can't believe he did that, I can't believe he said that. You know all of that, you got all of that going on and y'all are fine now, but the family, they don't forget what you shared with them. And then they'll even look at you like she's still with. You know what I'm saying? Not knowing that this is a marriage, we're going to have issues, we're going to have things that that transpired, but we're going to work through it yeah and so you know that you're going to work through it.
Speaker 3:You might just hit a bump in the road and you just kind of got to work through it, but you need to work through it the best way possible, and telling everybody, um, what your spouse is doing is not the best way.
Speaker 1:It's not the best way, yeah, I mean, I think people definitely want to have an outlet, yeah, and so I was going to say with you know, you keep others out. There is an exception to that, yeah, like in our role, we're pastors, so we offer spiritual guidance and and counseling and advice for couples, and so we are a. We are couples, um, and so we are a. We are, we are supposed to be a trusted third party, yeah, which means we're somebody that you can come talk to, share what you're dealing with and we help you navigate through that and it it's never, shared outside of that environment.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and the thing I love about it is we don't look at the other spouse um crazy we're not there to judge, no, we're not there to like so me a whole lot and
Speaker 3:for me, I I forget. I don't try to hold stuff and remember what people said about their spouse once we talk to them. I don't try to remember none of that stuff because I don't want that to be in the back of my mind, right? Or I don't want to look at this person a certain kind of way, because people make mistakes, people do things and you got to be able to forgive yeah and I love that about us is, when we meet with couples, or we don't, we don't like hold, you know, hold things over their head.
Speaker 1:No, no we're here to help yeah, and we don't take sides yeah, we're here to help, we're not to hold things.
Speaker 1:We're not here to hold things against any one of those parties within that marriage, because both of them are guilty. You know, that's one thing we've learned from the jump. I don't care what the problem is, both parties are guilty. Both parties played a role in whatever brought them to us, and so I think it's vital that couples understand that that, yes, there are people whether it's a therapist, a marriage counselor, someone like that. Yes, you go in and you have to share, you have to divulge that information in order to get the help that you need. But that is a special situation. The the circumstances call for that. But just sharing it with your mama now, no, that's that's. That's not what you want to do. Your auntie now, that's been married five times and can't keep a man no, you don't need to be talking to her about marriage advice. Your uncle, who think he play other years? Since 93.
Speaker 1:No, stop talking to them. They're not going to help you navigate your marital problems. They're going to have you, like them, divorce, single Out here, thinking that the opposite sex is your enemy, right, you, you know, they the enemy and they must be taken down at all costs. And that's not. That's not what this is. Your spouse may have made a mistake, yeah, or they may have just done something you didn't like right whatever the case may have been, you can work through it you can get over, you can overcome it, but you need to deal with it within that marriage unit.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, and it's usually calming down and really processing, because sometimes we just we're just so heated in the moment, we just want to want to get it out, so we got to call somebody. Yeah. And if you would just stop and calm down and usually pray and get in the word and ask God to help you, then you know those things. You'll find that most of the time it's little stuff, it's not even big, it's not even worth it. And sometimes you even forget. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, after a while you forget, because I mean think about the things we've been frustrated or angry about over the years. We forgot most of that stuff.
Speaker 3:It was little petty stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we, we forgot most of that stuff. We would have to really petty stuff. Yeah, we have to really sit here and really think when was I mad at you? When was I? At the time it may have seemed like a big deal, for us a lot of stuff stemmed around ministry yeah that's.
Speaker 3:That's the number one thing for us is always um ministry stuff, but other than that we'd be fine.
Speaker 1:I mean, hey, it's because that's one of the most challenging things you can do in life. So wherever the challenges hit, that's where the frustrations are going to come in through the marriage, and that's where both couples have to be really sensitive to one another and realize I can't put my partner out there to my family or to other people to make them seem like a bad person. Because whatever image you portray partner out there to my family or to other people to make them seem like a bad person, because whatever image you portray to them because they don't know your partner like you do whatever image you portray to them, that's what they're going to see unless your partner come around them and yeah, now you come around you act crazy.
Speaker 1:Hey, that's on you, you know. But as a as a partner, as a spouse, you should always want your spouse to be seen in the best light. Yeah, you should want your, your family, your friends, your co-workers to admire, or have a level of admiration for your spouse. They shouldn't, your spouse shouldn't, walk in and immediately they feel people looking at them crazy because you have talked about them so bad. Right, you know they shouldn't.
Speaker 1:They should know all of the details of your going on in your marriage what they said to you, that you didn't like, what they did, that you didn't like yeah, like stop. That that's not a healthy way to build a marriage, nor is it.
Speaker 3:Nor is it a healthy way to live right, everybody should know your business you need to have some trusted individuals or I don't say individuals, but just a trusted maybe couple, yeah, or your pastor, and be very selective about yeah, now your pastor.
Speaker 1:You should trust your pastor you don't trust your pastor. You got other problems right, but even couples a trusted couple, but even be careful with that, careful with that make sure you got the right couple, that you can trust, that you know that's not going to go out and share your business and, like I said, I don't even share, but just love to hear things that are going on, you know, in your marriage, judge you, yeah, all of that.
Speaker 1:But I'm asked to go back to our rule. Keep up for me. I don't have trusted couples that I just share stuff about my marriage. We don't have that. If we need to talk to our pastor, our leader, our spiritual leaders, we will have that conversation. But talking to just another couple that we're friends with, we might like them but we don't like you enough to tell you our business. I agree, we love you, but we're not going to tell you what's going on in our relationship.
Speaker 3:we can have date night, we can have double date night, game night, we can play, we can go out to eat, but we are not going to tell you right the challenges we have in our relationship, because we've learned over the years there's no value there yeah, right, but you know, I think now when people have date night, couples, couples night, and they get together with couples, it seems like somebody always wants to be the one to give marital advice. Yeah, just because they may have been married for a couple years, and not even a couple years, maybe one or two years and then people feel like, you know, they're in a place where they can give marital advice to um other couples. And I don't, I don't know, I don't know if we were ever in that place where people were trying to get give us advice. We did experience that once, did we?
Speaker 1:yeah. Well, I don't remember, so it probably wasn't that good advice, but I do think. I do think as couples overcome, they can share their experiences. But I think they also have to know their lane, know how far to go with it. Hey, we had this experience, this is what we did. It might work for you, it might not. Like, don't go into, y'all should do this and he should do this and she should do that. Stay away from that. Yeah, if you want to share your experience, your testimony, the victories you had, great. Maybe I can learn something from that.
Speaker 1:But when you call yourself giving another couple advice and you're not qualified or you really haven't overcome because I don't like to see couples you know they're giving great advice. One year A couple just came to mind, but I won't say their name You're giving great advice about marriage and you're presenting your marriage. That is so. Or a few months later, it's a different case. So people have to really be careful and make sure their relationships have been tried and tested. Like for us, this is 20 years in that we're actually doing this and sharing. We've been guiding couples regarding marriage for years, but this is the first time we're really pushing out further and really letting people know, hey, we can help you, we can try to help you further. And really letting people know, hey, we can help you, we can try to help you. Our goal is to help you navigate some of those early years of marriage and and and years of children coming into the marriage. And even you know we have an adult child.
Speaker 3:So having an adult child navigate, because that's different, it is people don't realize when your children become adults, that still affects you as a parent, which affects the marriage because you're trying to navigate that child through the early stages of their adult life so it doesn't stop at 18?
Speaker 1:yeah, it does not. It doesn't stop at 22, 24, don't stop at 24.
Speaker 3:So, um, it's, it's a lot you know um, but I think the gold, the, the rule keeping people out, is just very, very good I think. I think that is like a golden rule almost.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's just our number one rule. I think it's work for us. I would hate for you to come around. My family and my mother or my sisters look, look at you upside your head because of something I've told them about you, that you've said to me or did to me, that we've since forgiven each other and forgotten about, and now they have a wall up or a barrier to you in the family because I mismanaged our experience or that information and I think that's what we're trying to get over to couples Like don't mismanage the faults of your partner to the point that you turn other people's hearts against your spouse, and these are people who have nothing to do with your relationship.
Speaker 1:They have no invested interest. You know they may love you, like with family. My family loves me, right. They have an undying love for me. I know that they love you, right? They?
Speaker 3:have an undying love for me. I know that.
Speaker 1:They love you, right, but? But I married you and brought you into the family. They accepted you and they love you because you're my wife, right? But I mean, we got to be real about it. You do something to me. It's easier to turn on you. You see what I'm saying. It's same with your family. It'd be easier to turn.
Speaker 3:Wait a minute, what are you doing? Turn on you.
Speaker 1:You know, if I, if I mistreat you, they would. I'm telling you they would. They ain't gonna believe it. No, they'll believe. They'll believe your dad would be like tell charles, I need to talk to him.
Speaker 3:My dad maybe, but my mama's side you can do no wrong no that's. If it's anything, it's me what I do.
Speaker 1:No, that's not the case but, but truly, that's how family loves their own. Yes, they love their own, and they will believe that that person oh, this is what's going on, this is what what's happening. I can't believe they're doing it now. They may not confront it they may not say anything because they respect the marriage, but internally they'll feel something about that person yeah, and then when they come around, it's like the elephant in the room.
Speaker 3:Nobody's saying anything, everybody's all smiles, but you could tell like that person will be able to feel what's being projected. You know, they can feel, you know the, the, the dislike, they can feel the talk, they can feel all of that stuff and it just makes it awkward. So then when family gatherings come around and that spouse doesn't want to go, that's why why you don't want to go- it's because of the way I feel when I'm in this environment with you because of things that you said things about it and shared some things.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, that's why you just it's not a good thing, it's not good.
Speaker 1:It's not good. It's not good, not a good look. It's best to make the rule now. We're going to work these things among us, yeah, and when we walk out of the house, we're going to walk out of here with a united front, mm-hmm.
Speaker 3:You see what I'm saying. What would you say about if people say, well, well, you're just being fake? I don't agree with that, I'm just asking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, don't agree with that. I'm. I'm just asking yeah, no, no, I'm responding to the question. I would say we're not being fake, we're just not. We're not airing out all of the the matters of our relationship, which is just like going to work.
Speaker 3:Well, every day you go to work, you don't want to be there but what does your job tell you when you, when you cross the threshold of the door?
Speaker 1:yeah, you leave your personal life at home. You come here, put a smile on your face and you get the job. Get the job done. You serve these customers, you do your job, you, whatever, and when you leave out of here, you pick the cares of your life back up and you do whatever you want to do, but as long as you're here, yeah, you represent this company, you do what you're supposed to do.
Speaker 1:It's the same thing, I think, in a relationship. When we walk, walk out of our home, we're going out into the world, and all of what's going on in our home, the challenges that we're having in our marriage, don't belong on the stage of the world. They don't belong at our job, they don't belong at the family function. So we have to come to an agreement that, hey, we ain't feeling each other right now, but here's the key that doesn't mean I don't love you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, we won't work it out right.
Speaker 1:So I'm not being faked by still showing love towards you and being cordial, and I mean we're believers yeah so, as believers, I shouldn't be out here acting crazy anyway.
Speaker 1:Exactly. You see, I'm talking about believer couples who are believers. Why are we gonna act crazy? Because we got a disagreement. We got a disagreement. We haven't resolved it yet, but we're going to get it resolved, exactly Right. So we're not going to go out here and show out and then get back home, work it out and we just left an impression of, oh, they got problems in their marriage out there and they never know when we resolve it, when we get over it, all they saw was, oh, when they going through, that's how they act when they got a disagreement, that's what they do, and people form an opinion about your marriage and you as an individual, and that's not what we want to portray. I don't think that's what anyone should portray. When you walk out of your house, you need to get it together. Hey, we together. We united.
Speaker 1:We have some differences, but in this setting, oh hey, we together, we united, we, we have some differences.
Speaker 3:But in this setting, oh, we together yeah, we ain't going nowhere and try to work your differences out as soon as possible the bible talks about that.
Speaker 1:We should not let the sun go down on our wrath, which means before sunset yeah like. That's something else that we try to do before the day is over we try to resolve yeah whatever, because I mean you don't sleep well when you don't get any sleep.
Speaker 1:No, I mean we don't some people, you cold-hearted, mean evil, vindictive, hateful, and you might sleep like a baby, but people who really love their partner. You don't want to try to sleep with the weights and the cares of life on you through the night, because you don't really rest. No, you don't you don't rest and then you wake up in the morning and that same thing is staring you in the face right, so you gotta deal with it.
Speaker 1:So it's best to just deal with it as soon as possible then you have somebody who, trying to be super spiritual, call you, was in my spirit, what's going on? They said oh, I'm good, just pray for me. You know, somebody just won't be in your bed. You'll have people that call you, people that call you when you and your spouse are in disagreement and you all right. What's going on? You sound different. I'm all right, I'll be fine. I'm just navigating through some challenges. You don't have to go into detail. Well, they heard it in it in my voice. You ain't okay. You heard it in my voice that I'm working through some things, but if God don't tell you the details, I'm not giving you the details in my marriage.
Speaker 3:Now, other things we can talk about, but in my marriage, no, if I'm mad at my spouse, no, I'm not telling you that I'm mad with my spouse yeah, you know, so you just have to be careful with that, uh, and don't let people manipulate you into sharing things about your marriage and your relationship that you don't need to share yeah, and be careful with people that's always looking for information from you, but they never give you any information about what's going on with their marriage or their life, so so you got to be aware of that, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think back to our number one rule. Number one rule keep other people out of your business.
Speaker 3:Keep other people out.
Speaker 1:And if you do that, just keep that straight across the board. Unless you're getting therapy or unless you're getting counsel or spiritual advice from your pastor, unless you're getting that, keep that rule in place and I promise you, you, your marriage, would deal with a less chaos from the outside, because people won't know what to poke at or what to look at. You won't have people looking at you and your partner with all types of indifference because of things that they've heard and things that have been shared about the relationship. I mean, people know.
Speaker 1:No marriage is perfect no, marriage is perfect I was just thinking that, yeah, nobody's marriage is perfect.
Speaker 3:People have good marriages, but there are no perfect marriages and we don't have to give you the details we don't have to give you the details of the imperfection right exactly yeah, we just keep working to iron the bristles out. Keep working at it. Yeah, sound good to me, I love it all right.
Speaker 1:Well, listen, thank y'all for joining us for another episode of doing it with the daddyiels. We are so glad to have you listen, subscribe to our channel, make sure you keep up with everything we drop. Every video that drops, make sure you get it because you subscribe, turn those notifications on, like this video, comment, share it with somebody you believe will benefit from it, and listen. We can't wait to see you at the next episode. All right, god bless. God bless you. Take care, we'll see you soon. Hey, thank you for joining us for doing it with the Daniels. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. We'll see you next time.