Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
I Don't Like How You Talk to Me!
Communication can make or break a marriage, and after 20 years of navigating the highs and lows together, we've learned that it's not just about what you say—it's how you say it. Tune in as we share stories from our own marriage, highlighting the power of both verbal and non-verbal communication. By understanding the subtle cues of body language and tone, couples can turn misunderstandings into opportunities for growth, fostering healthier and more respectful interactions.
Non-verbal communication often speaks louder than words. Many of us pick up these cues from childhood, which can impact our interactions and sometimes lead to unintended hostility. This episode offers a guide to developing mature communication skills and the importance of navigating difficult conversations with empathy and clarity. By exploring how effective communication can prevent emotional distance, we delve into the true essence of maintaining a strong and supportive relationship.
The art of communication is more than avoiding disagreements—it's about knowing when and how to tackle them. With insights rooted in personal experience, we emphasize the importance of active listening and the role empathy plays in preventing misunderstandings. From managing non-verbal signals to addressing emotional gaps that can arise in routine conversations, discover practical steps to ensure your relationship grows in closeness and trust. Plus, we share a sneak peek into our two books that can further enrich your journey toward a fulfilling partnership.
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I can go off to somewhere else in space, or I just be somewhere else like oh yeah, what was you saying?
Speaker 2:I'll be like I'm back, I left, Right here I'm talking. Welcome to Doing it With the Dales, the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles.
Speaker 1:And I'm Tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry.
Speaker 2:Let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing it with the Daniels. Welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry. So happy to have you join us today for our podcast, doing it With the Daniels.
Speaker 1:We back what's up, come on, we back, and I'm excited.
Speaker 2:Come on, it's always a good time. Look, let's jump straight in today.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:What we got. What are we talking about today?
Speaker 1:We're talking about. I Don't Like how you Talk To Me. Ooh that's going to be so good. It is good.
Speaker 2:You just pulled that one out your back pocket, right hey?
Speaker 1:to write stories.
Speaker 2:Look how many times have you said that to me.
Speaker 1:A lot.
Speaker 2:How many times have I said that to you? Oh, not that many, not that many. I think I've got my own variation of what do I say? You say I don't like how you talk to me. What do I say I don't know what you do. Why are you talking to me like that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, or this is what we're not going to do.
Speaker 2:I think you know, at the end of the day it's still communication.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And we're checking each other to a certain extent on how we're communicating and I think we've learned over the course, over years, of our marriage. This year we'll celebrate 20 years, 20 years. It's been a lot of learning and a lot of growing with our communication.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I would be honest and say I really didn't know how to communicate. I was a terrible communicator, I would do. I did a lot of non-verbals, you know, I think in the beginning. And so I had to really really learn how to communicate effectively, because I didn't know, and sometimes I feel like we do what we see our parents do and a lot is caught Right, and so I think I caught a lot of things and plus, you know just how they are, who I am and DNA and all that stuff you know plays a role. Yes, so I had to really learn how to communicate.
Speaker 1:Yeah because I didn't. I really realized. I didn't know how to communicate.
Speaker 2:I think we learn how to communicate in general together, but also learning how to communicate with one another.
Speaker 1:Yeah, especially in marriage. So when you get lock your life with somebody and do life with them every day, I mean it's like, well, you say they're anointed to get on your nerves. So there's so many things that are going to happen, where you're going to have to learn how to talk through issues, talk through things that happen. So that's when the learning part comes from. And so, since we had those issues, it taught me how to communicate. First it taught me that, hey, I'm a terrible communicator, and then it taught me how to learn how to communicate yes, I think that's good what you said, that we, through those experiences, we learned how to communicate with another.
Speaker 2:So I mean, those experiences aren't bad if we view them as growth opportunities, learning opportunities.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had to learn that it's not bad that we go through those things, but I had to grow from them, so I had to learn what to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say and how to say it. You know, sometimes I really realize it's not what you say is how to say it.
Speaker 2:you know, sometimes I really realize it's not what you say it's how you say it a hundred percent of the time. Yes, I agree, I totally agree. Yeah, and I think we learned some valuable lessons from that. So let's jump in and get started. Okay, let's go all right. So we're talking about communication.
Speaker 1:Like, let's really get down to the nitty-gritty of it when you know what factors really play into communication um, I think a lot kind of like what we talked about earlier nonverbals, so your words may speak, but your tone and body speaks volumes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's real. That's real, I think many times we think, as long as what I'm saying is heard, that's all that matters, but not understanding that all of the extra that goes along with what we say, what is?
Speaker 1:extra, extra are like eye rolls.
Speaker 2:Eye rolling, neck rolling, neck rolls, banging on stuff.
Speaker 1:Slamming cabinets. Looking off yeah.
Speaker 2:You know all of that.
Speaker 1:Looking off, raising your voice.
Speaker 2:Yes. Your tone of voice yeah, all of that plays a role. Yes, your tone of choice yeah, all of that plays a role all of that plays a major role in the message and the feelings yeah, that are actually communicated, yeah, when we share something yeah, even folding your arms.
Speaker 1:I think you talked to me about that once yeah, folding your arms represents hostility like I didn't know that if we told you fold down, like okay, now you hostile yeah, I didn't even know that, because in my mind I'm'm like, I'm just, I'm not, you know, but for you that represents hostility. So I had to learn okay, okay, don't fold your arms. I don't want him to think I'm mad, or something.
Speaker 2:It's like either I'm hostile or I'm fed up with you. It's kind of what that communicates. All of that plays a role in anybody who's looking at communication, even children. They play a role. It plays a role in what do you say and how you say it. They're looking at all that we learn from from childhood. Yes, to watch all of that, because it tells us really what's what's fully encompassing that message that's coming out of your mouth.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good. I think I learned a lot from childhood, like I said earlier, yeah watching my parents, just watching other people, and you just catch things and you just start doing what they do, not knowing that that's not the right way to respond to like an argument or a disagreement well, the reality is that most of us never really develop the skill of communication, and it's a skill that can be developed.
Speaker 2:We just think, as long as I can talk and use words that we are familiar with, yeah, then I'm communicating.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that's not really fully developed communication in a mature state yeah, I was very immature in my communication because I would hold things yeah and so I would hold it hold it until hold it until until the volcano erupted. And when it erupt, it was not good and it just come out like it just, it would come out just really bad. Yeah, it would come out with a lot of hostility, a lot of yelling, a lot of um, just attitude and just attitude yeah all it what attitude.
Speaker 2:I mean I told you that's what my deal breakers when we were dating. I was like I ain't dating nobody with a bunch of attitudes yeah, you got, and that's why that's why I realized you was really sweet. But after you get married, okay, how sweet a person these, the real them comes out. You don't get on their nerves and you're gonna see a side of them that you may not see before the I do.
Speaker 1:It's so crazy how people can mask that until they say I do, and you be like where all this come from.
Speaker 2:It's because you don't want to lose them. Is that what it is? You can break up with me before we get married, but after we get married it ain't as easy to leave, right? So now, now you think you can just show out. Uh-huh, yeah, some people do do that. Is that what I did? No, I don't think it's what you did.
Speaker 2:I think it was just the evolution of, of learning to communicate in difficult situations because in marriage you're going to have difficult conversations, yeah, difficult experiences where you really got to work on your communication and learn how to navigate those things and really navigating those difficult times. A lot of that weighs on how well the couple can communicate with one another yeah, that's right.
Speaker 1:It's even in the beginning stages where that two becomes one part yes, that is. That's the rough place, because you're trying to get to know each other. You're living together now and all of this is new, so you gotta learn. If they're a morning person, you know, because I pop up in the morning and I'm like good morning, it's gonna be a good, beautiful day, what we gonna do today, and we gotta do this and this, and you'd be like be quiet so it's just all of that.
Speaker 1:It's like you're learning, but then you got to also learn them at the same time, and how they communicate, and all of that and you got to figure out what the hot buttons are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because we all have hot buttons. We all have sensitive areas where there's certain things I know. If I talk about those areas it might be a problem, but you learn that over the course of time, and even here's a big deal, even having to ask Holy Spirit to teach me how to communicate with my wife how to say certain things to you, because I didn't want it to become an argument or disagree.
Speaker 2:And we really don't argue, really never have argued, we just disagree. Yeah Right, we had our strong disagreements, but it was never any of that, just constant back and forth stuff. But even asking Holy Spirit like, show me how to talk to her about this. Uh, and then there were times holy spirit was would tell me don't say anything about certain things, um, because it just wasn't the time, yeah, and so I don't want people to think that it's avoidance.
Speaker 1:It's not avoidance, it's just you got to have wisdom and when to say certain things, even to your spouse yeah, because sometimes I feel like he had you said something in that, in that moment you would have made it worse.
Speaker 2:Yeah and there were times I did. Yeah, there were times Holy Spirit was like, be quiet, don't say. I was like, nah, she got to hear this, she need to hear this. And I said it. Oh, and it made it worse. Yeah, I realized why. He told me yeah don't say that. And I should have listened, you know, because in the times that I did listen, things went better, much better. But it's a part of learning, it's a part of me getting out of the way and not feeling like, no, we need to communicate.
Speaker 1:I need to say what I need to say yeah, because everything that doesn't need to be said when we want to say yeah, exactly, and I've learned to calm down and think and go pray and versus just, you know, running and saying whatever I need to say.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's just because it comes out better when you do that, because sometimes you just be in the moment and then sometimes, when you calm down, you realize it really ain't that big of a deal. It's just, you know, little stuff, and I think it's the little foxes that we don't pay attention to. Like the Bible says, it's the little things that we can kind of go running with and blow up on yeah and you make.
Speaker 2:You make something bigger than it didn't needs to be so I think that reminds me of a conversation we had a few days ago where you was explaining how you felt about something and I was like, okay, yeah, I got, I hear what you're saying and almost kind of blowing it off, but just like I get it, I already know how you feel about this. Okay, whatever, let's just move on, or whatever. And you asked me. You was like well, what, what is it? What do you hear me say? I say, well, you're saying this, this and this, and he was like all right, that day you really just let it go, like you didn't even try to yeah discuss it further and in my mind I'm like, well, that must be it.
Speaker 2:She just don't want to talk about it. Maybe she's not ready to admit that that's what it is. But about a day and a half later you came back. You said now what? And you did it in a such a nice way and it just shows the progress of our relationship over the years. He was like now what did you think I was trying to say? Like you didn't come in accusing me, that's really like I used to.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, a lot of people do. They come. You said you and it's like no, yeah, your approach was tell me again what you think I was saying. And I said, well, I thought you said this, this and this, and you said, no, that's not what I was trying to say, right, and I say it. Okay, tell me, explain to me what you were trying to say, because I that's the understanding I have.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And you begin to break it down and give me understanding on what you were saying and why you were saying it, and when you finish, I was like OK, I was wrong. Whatever, I assume whatever I thought you were trying to communicate was totally wrong. But the good thing about is that number one, instead of you getting angry the first day because that's where most disagreements come in misunderstanding. Right, I wasn't understanding you. Clearly, you didn't try to yell it into me, which is what most people do. When they feel like they're not heard, they try to yell it.
Speaker 1:Yelling doesn't bring understanding well, I, I knew that had I tried to change or change your mind in that moment, you already had your mind made up that you knew what I was saying. And I was like he think he know, or he think he got it figured out, but that's just not it. And I had to go evaluate my heart on this, on the subject too. I was like that ain't what I know, that's not it. And so, after I talked to God, I evaluate my heart, I did some internal things, you know, you know, just really looking at you, know myself, and I was like and then I went to God and I'm like God, that's not, no, that's not it. And so I had to sit with it for a minute and then I was like, okay, let me talk to him about it. So what did you? What did you think I meant or what did you think I was talking about? So that's how I've kind of approached it this time yeah because you can be so like yeah, I know, you know.
Speaker 1:So I was like I'm like I'm not finna finna go here. We not finna go go there.
Speaker 2:So I was like, okay, I'm gonna let him know for a couple days and then we'll come back and revisit it and I felt like I knew because it wasn't the first time that topic had come up exactly like okay, yeah, okay we're back to this again.
Speaker 1:But that's why I had to do some re-evaluate. I had to really like search in my heart and figure out like hey, do I feel like this is this is he right, is this true?
Speaker 2:and I was like, no, that ain't it so and I broke one of the rules of communication, which is suspend your judgment that's good and because I did not suspend my own judgment, I don't.
Speaker 2:Whatever you said had to go through the filter of what I already believe and it's called in communication. If you study communication, it's called interference. So you're sending a message, but my own judgment about it and assumptions creates interference and distorts the message. Right so that I hear what I want to hear the message right so that I hear what I want to hear. Your what you're saying gets skewed in my mind so that I understand it the way I already think I should understand, instead of understanding the way you're communicating right.
Speaker 1:So it could it be because it's come up before you know you just absolutely, okay, absolutely.
Speaker 2:I think it's when you visit, you visit a thing a few times it's like okay, yeah, I know this is, but you have to give leeway for your partner, your spouse, to change, yeah, to evaluate their own heart, their own thought process, their own beliefs and adjust right, because I wasn't in that place that I was years ago.
Speaker 1:I had changed and actually grown you know from that, and so I guess you probably thought, yeah, here we go again. I already know how this is going to end.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so that wasn't right, that wasn't true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's what helped. That's what these tools and strategies with communication have helped us to overcome, so that we don't live in their place. And, like we said, this happened a few days ago ago. So, although we still make these mistakes, we're able to go back and revisit and re-implement the tools and then get over that hump and come to that place of resolve and understanding, which is what the goal is about. Yeah, people have to understand.
Speaker 2:This is not about being perfect no, when what we always say right there's no perfect marriage and you're not going to be perfect in your communication or anything you do, but as you learn better, you do better exactly, and you work at being better, right, and that's how you navigate and approach, you know, communicating with your spouse and not only that, like communication with your spouse, but it helps you be a better communicator on your job at church.
Speaker 1:You know, I've learned that I'm a better communicator like not only here, but in other settings.
Speaker 2:It's helped me.
Speaker 1:And so I don't hold stuff so much. Now I'm going to come to you and I'm going to say, hey, can I talk to you about the XYZ? And sometimes I have to be patient with you because I realize he don't want to hear what I got to say, but I got to tell him anyway, and that's a part of it, and that's what I got to say, but I got to tell him anyway.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's a part of it, and that's where we have to pray, yeah, and know your spouse. Yeah, because I had to learn where you're sensitive. You know you got to learn where I'm sensitive or where I just don't like certain topics.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know and how that's you right there. You don't like certain topics. You'll be like worry about yourself.
Speaker 2:yeah and then you try to force. No man, that's where we get to that. Look, I don't like how you talking to me. Yeah, you know, you need, you need.
Speaker 1:I think we said that a lot like well, I say you need to rephrase how you said that exactly, and sometimes I do, I get it, I I do, but I think you realize you don't like what I'm saying, but you realize I'm right what you're saying is right.
Speaker 2:I just don't like the way you say it, like something you say I don't like. When you come back, you need to like tell me what I need, you need, you need to. You need to watch how you do this. Oh girl, what you mean I need to watch how I need. If you want to suggest or you want to advise that I do, then do that. But you come with, you need to. I'm like wait a minute, I fixed it.
Speaker 1:You did fix it after I brought to your attention a few times, like what you mean I need, you need to mind your own come tell you what I need to do but I fixed it, I'm working on it, yeah but it's a part of it, because I think we was talking the other day and I was saying I think I did say that you need to da, da, da, da, da and um, and then in that moment I was like, well, let me say it like this yeah and then I and I fixed it.
Speaker 1:You was like well, I really appreciate that. And I said well, I said I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that, I meant to say it like this. And so it's like that awareness piece, you know, didn't mean any harm, I wasn't hostile when I said it or anything, it just was like yeah, you y'all need to such and such such.
Speaker 2:You just kind of jumped out there with it, kind of how you thought about it, yeah, but I like what you just said awareness. There's a because we're able to point out those things, what we don't like about each other's communication. It can bring a heightened level of awareness, yeah, to us so we can make the adjustment. And that's the key couples have to be willing to listen to each other, yeah, so they can make the adjustments in their communication because it makes you better at the end of the day.
Speaker 1:You know, not perfect in my communication. I'm getting better you know, just by listening to what you say and you know feedback, you know telling me, you know you might not want to say it like this, you might want to say it like that. You know, and that helps, that helps me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're both getting better. I mean even, and that helps, that helps me. Yeah, we're both getting better. I mean even. It goes beyond just our relationship. But because you know we're helpers one to another, you might help me even in my preaching. You help me like okay, maybe you want to say that a little different, or just be aware that when you say it this way, here's what it can, here's what people can think or the way they can view it, and so you need to add more context to it to help give understand, and so that's that's the benefit and the value of having feedback.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it took me a minute to say that because I was like I don't know if I need to be saying it because you'd be like let me, let me pre, you do it when you preach. I'll be like I'm just trying to, you know you know, you know I can't fix everything.
Speaker 2:You know I'm gonna want to be me but, but if I can improve, Exactly. That's the value of it Having somebody to give that feedback to bring improvement.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and positive feedback. You know I try not to be negative, but it's something that will help Right, will help us, would help. You know the people and you know that's just all I'm trying to do 100% and listen with empathy and all that good stuff, Absolutely. I'm learning that. I have to learn how to listen a little bit better too with my communication, but that's another topic. That's a big part of communication.
Speaker 2:That's really the foundation of it. Effective active listening is a big role role, so let's talk about this right here. So, if we look at at kind of the, the main undergirding point of this is that effective listening is not just about hearing words. It's about fully understanding the feelings behind them and responding in a way that shows love, care and respect, right. So the end day, that's really what we're trying to get to. We kind of get to a place of we don't just say whatever, but, as we say it, we also understand the feelings that are provoked, as well as the feelings that are giving off and receive from the sender and the receiver Right, because they both play a role. Off and receive from the sender and the receiver right because they both play a role. And the goal is can we maintain?
Speaker 2:love and care and respect as we navigate, whatever exchanges we have in our communication like that's. That's really what this comes down to. I don't want you to ever feel rejected yeah when you communicate with me.
Speaker 2:I don't want you to ever feel unsafe, because that's why a lot of couples don't talk. We learned that early on we did. There's certain things we wouldn't say to one another because we didn't feel safe enough exactly. I don't know what you're going to do with this information right when I give it to you. I don't know how you're going to respond yeah, when I say this. So I'm not gonna be vulnerable and open that side of me to you yeah, and I did that a lot.
Speaker 1:I held a lot in. I just didn't know um how, how, I just didn't know how to number one, um talk about it, and then when I did, it came out the wrong way and so it was received wrong, you know, and so and it's hard.
Speaker 2:I mean people don't realize. Even in marriage you don't want to seem weak right so, even in marriage, couples try to present their strong self instead of being honest and, like couples, don't always like to say you hurt me yeah your words hurt me yeah and a lot of times couples can say a lot of hurtful things to one another and I think we realized that early on too, because one thing that you can never take back is your words.
Speaker 1:Take the words back, you're gonna apologize.
Speaker 2:You can forgive, you can move on, but those words, the impact, the sting that they have, still it still exists, yeah, when they come out of your mouth. So you got to be careful what you let come out of your mouth. Yeah, yeah, I think that's a big deal that's.
Speaker 1:That was. That's good. I'm glad we learned that early, because I don't think we've had like a lot of damaging words no, no, we were careful, we had a few little things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, like when you told me you hate me, yeah, that was a dagger and you hate me, you really hate me, oh, okay.
Speaker 1:What you do. I don't know, I don't remember that. I remember that, but I can't even. You see, that was so long ago, I don't even remember.
Speaker 2:I remember exactly how long ago it was. It was 15 years ago.
Speaker 1:Oh, that was a long time ago.
Speaker 2:Yes, I just remember because it hit me in a place.
Speaker 1:Oh, so sorry.
Speaker 2:I'm still healing. You're still healing 15 years you're healing. Well, I'm still here. I just. You know you got the scar, but that's how we learn we it was. They didn't destroy us, but we learned from them. All right, so look, let's keep going here.
Speaker 1:You must have been cutting up if I said that.
Speaker 2:I just hit a hot button and you didn't like it and I wouldn't let off of it.
Speaker 1:That's communication right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So that's why my communication was not good, because I would retaliate with stuff like that, and that was immature, you know.
Speaker 2:It was. It was a. It was a. You didn't like what I was saying, so you hit me with the. I hate you. You was acting like taraji and baby boy my god, I ain't you, jody look so, so look, let's look at this. Why does it matter? Um, I think communication matters, because poor communication leads to misunderstanding, frustration and emotional distance. We didn't talk about that, but we was experiencing that at one time.
Speaker 2:If you don't listen with empathy and clarity, the relationship will suffer. Effective communication is the lifeblood of a thriving marriage, which was something that we talked about, and without it you risk emotional burnout and disconnection. I think that biggest part is we saw misunderstandings, we saw frustration, but a lot of couples what really hits them is when they hit emotional disconnection or emotional distance. People don't realize that if you don't value and have good communication with one another, you will gradually grow apart.
Speaker 1:Mm, hmm, and you start that cycle of just doing life.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, especially if you got kids. You know you just go to work, you come home and it's just a mundane thing. It's like almost like your roommates.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because you don't realize that you guys are growing apart. You're not growing close.
Speaker 2:Because what brings the closeness is healthy, loving, caring communication. That's right. What creates distance is unhealthy, misunderstanding, harsh communication, and it happens gradually and it'll be there, you won't even know it's happening.
Speaker 1:It sneaks up on you. It sneaks up on you. You don't even realize it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a lot of couples are growing apart slowly, although they're still functioning and they're still talking around certain things. They think they're okay, but really those disagreements are killing, it's eroding the foundation of their relationship and they don't even know it. They think it is not a money thing, it's not the children, is not work, it's not stress, it's. It's the lack of healthy communication that fosters love and support and acceptance acceptance and that caring the feelings that need to be conveyed between the two individuals to strengthen the bond between them is not happening Right. And they think, oh, because we're going on with life, we're OK, but you're really not and you really don't find out that you're in a bad place. Until Mike at the water cooler at work I'll start complimenting you and telling you how pretty your eyes are and how you like your hair and you start enjoying talking to mike. Yeah, right, and mike is some random dude, he's not a real guy.
Speaker 1:I was gonna say why ain't that gotta be mike?
Speaker 2:well, well, look, I need to do like the people do now. Your work, husband yeah and your work wife and they start, you know, telling you how nice you dress and how good you smell for me, and you know, and all that kind of stuff, and you start enjoying that type of communication yeah, because you're not getting it at home you're not getting it at home, you're not able to work through things at home.
Speaker 2:They show care and attention. Even you may be talking about a work project, yeah, but the way they engage with you, you like it, because at home it's always a tussle, it's always an argument, it's always a problem or it's nothing.
Speaker 1:It's just, we're just going through this routine of let's, you know, just house stuff. We're paying bills together, we're taking care of the kids, we go to work, we come home, we eat, we sleep.
Speaker 2:You know, there's nothing in between, you know, and so that sneaks up on you yeah, it sneaks up on you and you, substituting what the communication you should have at home. Now you're having that level of communication outside which, if you're not careful it's going to lead to. It can lead to emotional affairs and then to a physical affair. You now you find yourself in infidelity.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:So I think it's significant that we really let people know what the main core of their communication is. We've talked through a lot today and, as we get close to wrapping this up, I think it's imperative that we make sure they understand that what you say is not really the biggest part of your communication. You know, we teach the couples that we counsel that the words, the actual words that they speak, is only 7% of the communication, of the message.
Speaker 1:And you know, everybody always put that at like 75, 85. You know they put it at the highest, but when they find out that it's like 7, they like oh.
Speaker 2:So they put it at the highest, but when they find out that it's like seven, they like oh, it's 7% of the feeling that goes into, or what's felt when they speak. It's only 7%. Then 38% is your tone. So the tone you use carries more weight in what the person feels than your actual words. And then, finally, your non-verbals. You're like we talked about your, the eye contact, the, the body movements and gestures.
Speaker 2:all of that is, uh, 55 percent wow it's 55 percent of your communication, the message that you're communicating, and so what that tells us is that couples really need to be more aware of their nonverbals. Put your nonverbals in check before you try to craft your message and use all the right words. Make sure your well-crafted approach doesn't get muddied and distorted by your lack of attention to your non-verbals yeah, that's good.
Speaker 1:I had to learn that my non-verbals yeah, I like this.
Speaker 2:The power of what you say and the feeling behind it is in the non-verbal communication. Um, often we think that the words are the most important part of the conversation, but your tone, your facial expression, body language, they all convey so much more. As a matter of fact, I love what we have here. You know, we've kind of talked through this and look at our own notes. It really determines whether or not you're building trust and intimacy in your relationship or you're breaking down the trust and the intimacy in a relationship. All that's hinged on the quality of communication, and primarily the nonverbal. That's kind of our teaching system. We won't get to teach you that. But if you need more, you just have to sign up for marriage counseling. But that's that's really like that's the thing for marriage counseling. But that's that's really like that's the thing. If you don't get that together, you can be destroying your marriage all while thinking you're saying the right thing, I agree.
Speaker 1:So how can it be applied?
Speaker 2:what steps can they do? So I think let's give them some quick steps or just things to be aware of that they can begin to give attention to.
Speaker 1:Okay, so let's. So. Number one is listen non-verbally, maintain good eye contact, which that was hard for me. I don't know why I just couldn't nod and lean in to show your present and engage.
Speaker 2:That's another one.
Speaker 1:That's another one, cause you know I can go off to somewhere else in space or I just be somewhere else like oh yeah, what was you saying?
Speaker 2:I'll be like I'm back. I left, right.
Speaker 1:Here I'm talking and so, um, and I don't think, I think a lot of people kind of struggle with that, um, because you know you're talking and then you really don't want to be talking about what you're talking about, you don't want to hear it. So so you kind of just zone out.
Speaker 2:But that's exactly what it conveys. I'm not interested in what you're saying, right, right.
Speaker 1:So you got all of that.
Speaker 2:And that doesn't build love and care and intimacy.
Speaker 1:No, it doesn't. That says what I'm saying is not important to you. So I had to learn hey, let's try to make eye contact the best way you can.
Speaker 2:Try to nod and be like yeah, okay, I understand, I had to tell you like, say something, I just made a point. Say yeah, okay, say something.
Speaker 1:I couldn't say nothing because it wasn't going to come out right. So I just had to be like hmm okay, so listen, actively Respond. Just had to be like hmm Okay, so listen, actively Respond with simple verbal cues like I see, or tell me more. Like you going in on me, I ain't going to say no, tell me more.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, those are examples. I understand. We just want people to say something to show that you're engaged in the conversation. It's like you're on the phone with somebody and they get quiet. You say uh-huh, just to let them know you still listen.
Speaker 1:So they keep talking, yeah that's to keep the conversation flowing. So you know, just got to let them know. That's that part where you're letting them know that I hear you yes, yeah so yes that's right.
Speaker 2:All right summarize after listening.
Speaker 1:That's number three. Summarize after listening. Reflect back on what you heard.
Speaker 2:I think that's good because people don't do that, because what I said and what you heard, maybe two different things and I'm just like no, that ain't it and I'm finding that to be true so much more as I pay even more attention to my communication. Yeah, even as a, as pastors, as leaders, you know sometimes I be, I preach on sunday. I'm bringing ministry, this. Now I preach and people come up to me after church and be like, yeah, that mess really good, I got this, this, this. I know that I'll be thinking myself I didn't say that no, that's not even what I was trying to say so either.
Speaker 2:I didn't preach it right or you didn't hear right.
Speaker 2:Right, and so it's sorting out. And that's where, for me, I take the responsibility of let me go in work on how I communicate this message to ensure that what I'm trying to say is what gets heard. Yeah, you see what I'm saying, because, if not, it can happen all throughout life, in different arenas, that you think you're saying one thing and that's what people are hearing, but they're hearing something totally different because of where they are in their life and the lens or the filter. Yeah, that they're hearing it through it's just different.
Speaker 1:That's why we're not the same. That's why I think, summarizing and going back and saying, okay, what did you hear?
Speaker 2:well, you know why people don't like to do that? Because when we counsel couples like I ain't doing that. I heard you like no, but you want to make sure yeah when we started doing it, it helped our relationship tremendously, because there were many times we thought we hurt each other, but we didn't I.
Speaker 1:I realize a lot of people don't want to look stupid yeah they just don't. You know, they were like to even ask questions. You remember in high school nobody wanted to raise their hand and ask questions, to act like they didn't know certain things in school.
Speaker 2:It's kind of like that, like and see, I was the kid that everybody got mad at because I was asking questions. I wanna, can you say that again? Did you say this? And they're like shut up, we ready to go? I'm like, no, you shut up my education. What? What can you? Can you show me that again? But see, here it is. I'm trying to get understanding. They didn't understand either. Yeah, exactly you see what I'm saying, but they just wanted to move on to something else. And that's how kind of.
Speaker 1:That's how we do with our let's just move on, but you don't even understand what's going on, or you act like you understand, or you interpret it your way through your own filter, and it's wrong. Yes, so that's good, uh. Number four is avoid interruptions. Let your partner speak fully before responding. I am guilty, guilty, guilty. I am so guilty you listening to respond?
Speaker 1:yes, cause soon as you say something, I'm like oh, I got something for that. Hold on, don't say nothing else. I need to interrupt you to say what I gotta say, and so I'm very guilty of that not letting you get stuff out, because I feel like it popped in my head and so I gotta say it, because if I don't, you're gonna forget and it's probably good to you.
Speaker 2:You're going to forget and it's probably good to you and you want to make sure you get out Now you need to hear it is, but, but the reality is that that's not active listening. No, that's what we had to learn. Both of us had to learn. Yeah, because I was the same way. Oh, let me go, no, no, no, oh, let me go get you together. And so we listen to respond instead of listening to understand.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we listen to speak instead of listening to fully understand the message that's being related to us by our spouse. Yeah, and that's really that's not good listening. It's a that's considered poor listening. Yes, we don't great listener.
Speaker 2:Now, if you interrupting your poor listening, if you're not understanding or you're, uh, hearing the person with empathy and gaining a full understanding, yeah, you're a poor listener, and empathy involves taking yourself. So we're talking just for now to say I really have to put myself in your seat. Yeah, if I'm going to be empathetic, I have to try to hear it how you would hear it, think about it, how you would think about it right and understand how you would understand it. Think about it how you would think about it right and understand how you would understand it right, and then come back to myself and speak to you out of that understanding right, not my understanding exactly right, because there's some things that you may take seriously and it's really important. And if I'm just me, my judgment is that stupid, but it's not stupid because it matters to me exactly. And if I'm empathetic, I say okay, I understand how you feel about this yeah let's discuss it or let's do this or do that, whatever case.
Speaker 2:but empathy is something we don't typically do. We just feel like I feel how you, I feel, you feel how you feel and we just got to come some kind of common ground or agree to disagree. Yeah, you're not gonna get anywhere. You're gonna have're going to have stalemates in your relationship and that emotional distance is going to continue to increase until one day you wake up and be like I just don't think this is working out, no, no, no it's not working out because you all let the communication break down and you didn't maintain healthy communication that keeps the intimacy, the closeness there, the bond in the, in the marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2:That's really really don't get on that winning and losing stuff I'm a win. I'm going to tear you, shut you down and if you shut up, I won. I'm seeking to celebrate you, stupid you. You may have won the argument, but you don't realize you are destroying your relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah we had to learn that. Well, I never was trying to win.
Speaker 2:I think you was trying to win.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you shut me down left and right. I was winning, you was winning the arguments, but you was losing. Yes, lord and I when I learned. I said oh, let me lose. So the bottom line in um in all of this is effective communication in marriage is not just about what you say, but it's how you listen and respond non-verbally. Listening with empathy and attentiveness builds love and connection absolutely listen y'all.
Speaker 2:We're gonna stop right there. We can talk about this all day and try to help y'all, but hopefully we gave you some valuable nuggets and things that will really help you in your communication, in your marriage, as well as maybe some other arenas. But definitely strengthen that relationship, strengthen that marriage. Start working on your communication today. All right, I've got two books out. One is there. You can look at the links on the description of this video. There's an e-book. One is an actual physical book that you can order on amazon or what have you, and both of them will help you to grow in your relationship and will expand further on some of the things that we share with you today. All right, so listen, we thank y'all for joining us. We look forward to seeing you at the next one. Right, see you next time. See you next time on doing it with the daniels. Hey, thank you for joining us for doing it with the Daniels. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. We'll see you next time.