Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Marriage Needs Fences, Not Walls: The Power of Boundaries
Exploring the significance of boundaries in marriage offers couples invaluable insights into protecting and enhancing their relationship. We delve into the purpose of boundaries and how they can serve as a safety net against misunderstandings and external influences.
• Understanding boundaries as protective limits in marriage
• The importance of keeping others out of marital issues
• Navigating communication with exes respectfully
• Ensuring respectful communication as a vital boundary
• Tailoring boundaries to fit individual relationship needs
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Just because you're married doesn't mean you become ugly all of a sudden. Mm-mm. You know, I tell people that all the time you know you got married, you didn't turn ugly.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So you still see attractive people and people still see you as attractive. Uh-huh, welcome to Doing it With the Dales, the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles.
Speaker 2:And I'm Tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry.
Speaker 1:Let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing it with the Daniels. Hey, welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry.
Speaker 2:So glad to have you back again today for another episode of our amazing podcast. All right, what's up, babe? What's up, so what's going?
Speaker 1:on. Not much you good I'm good, how about? You, I am doing great that's good.
Speaker 2:Why are you? Why are you?
Speaker 1:so calm, you're not excited. I'm always excited. Okay, what are we talking about today?
Speaker 2:Today we talk. I'm really excited about this one, so we're talking about.
Speaker 1:Never mind, I think it's going to be good. I think it's going to be good. Okay, we'll be good, I think it's going to be good.
Speaker 2:We're talking about boundaries in marriage. Yes, boundaries.
Speaker 1:Interesting. Well, what do you think about boundaries when you think about marriage?
Speaker 2:I think boundaries serve as protection for you in marriage. It's not a bad thing. I think a lot of times people look at boundaries like it's a bad thing.
Speaker 1:You know yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's actually, it's for your protection.
Speaker 1:No, I totally agree. I totally agree. I think boundaries are, when we talk about that, I think about like the basketball court and you have the out of bounds line or the baseline, and if you cross over that, you're outside of the, the area of play. Right, you know, there's a vast area where you play the game and you can do almost anything within that area, within the rules, and enjoy the game, right, uh. Same with driving, like, in order to keep everybody safe, you drive in your lanes, you know, and as long as everybody stays in their lane, it stays safe. When people start getting out of their lane, that's when it starts going bad, right, things get get dangerous then, uh. And so I think, in marriage, marriages, each couple, each relationship has to understand boundaries within their marriage and those boundaries could look different for every relationship. Yeah, boundaries could look different for every relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it does look different for every relationship. Some, some some people you know do stuff that others can't do in in their marriage when it comes to boundaries, but it's it depends on your marriage yeah, your marriage and discovering what those boundaries are.
Speaker 1:I think some, some boundaries are key boundaries, healthy boundaries, that all couples can learn from as they hear about what works for others and then consider, well, how does that fit us? Does that fit our circumstance? Should we implement that? Or, hey, should we look at something else? But, whatever it is, think about what keeps the marriage safe. And I'm talking to those listening today hey, if you're watching, go ahead and like, get that like button, subscribe, so you never miss any one of our episodes and that you're on board with us. All right, so like, subscribe, share and give us a comment, let us know what you think. All right, so I think that's that's key. Like you said, boundaries fit everybody differently, every every relationship differently, and they should really put those things in perspective for them. But I think boundaries are necessary for everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think every couple should have um boundaries yeah, definitely yeah, but it'll look different it does look different because if you don't, you can get into the danger zone and you can get there unexpectedly yeah you know you don't. You don't mean to fall out of bounds when you're playing basketball Right, but it happens. You don't mean to run out of bounds when you're playing football most of the time yeah, but it happens, right, you can get pushed out of bounds, you can get hit out of bounds, and sometimes it's just you shouldn't play close to the boundary line.
Speaker 2:Exactly. That's good. I like that. Yeah, so one of the things that, um, that we're going to talk about is keeping others out yeah, and then, you know, I think we kind of hit on that in another episode.
Speaker 1:One of the key things that we kind of believe should be a part of a relationship, but but that's a boundary it is keeping others out of your business.
Speaker 2:Yes, in your marriage, everybody should know your business exactly when you start telling everything, you're out of bounds yeah, I don't feel like you should tell um intimate details of your marriage. Your marriage struggles, problems, issues, things like that. It just shouldn't be talked about freely amongst your friends, family, coworkers, mom, dad, aunties. You just shouldn't do that.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I just feel like every couple should implement that as a boundary. You know you should have trusted individuals where you go and seek counseling and when you're having issues because we all have, you know, issues in marriage we're going to have situations that come up and you just need to have the right people to talk to and it's just not good to to talk to any and everybody about a situation that you have going on yeah, a lot of people mess up when they have trauma like you were mentioning trauma in the, in the relationship and they feel the need to vent.
Speaker 1:Yeah, here's another one too. We talk about keeping others out. We didn't mention this, but this is a good one too. We talked about keeping family out your aunt, your uncle, your cousins, your niece, your nephew. They should know the inner workings of your marriage, your siblings, your parents. They should know, because they don't always recover when you, when the relationship recovers, right. But the other side of it is this I see a lot of people they go and they put all their business on social media oh, that's a good one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, go shooting off because that's a. I guess people use that as a place to vent. Yeah, and then because why do you do that? Because you get comments back. You get people talking to you about your situation and sometimes it makes you feel better about what you're saying. You don't really have nobody telling you the truth, you just have people agreeing with you.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And that's not good.
Speaker 1:Right. I think it's dangerous because you're just spreading information to people who have no invested interest in your marriage, to people who have no invested interest in your marriage, and and so if you, feel the need to vent once again.
Speaker 2:You need trusted advisors and people that you can go and share that information with, knowing that it won't go any further than that space and I'll say this like you're, you're telling your side, but there's always three sides to a story is your side, is their side, and then there's a truth somewhere down in there, and so they're hearing one side, it's one sided story, so they're agreeing with only what you're telling them, yeah, and so that's why you and that other you, you and your spouse need to go together and sit with somebody so they can actually hear both sides, yeah, and give you the right advice.
Speaker 1:Hopefully an unbiased perspective on it, because a lot of times we believe what we believe and the other part believe what they believe, but when you take somebody who's not in it, they can hear what's not being said. They can see what's not being recognized in the disagreement or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2:And give you an honest judgment, yeah, on what's going on, but I think that social media piece needs to be a boundary for a lot of relationships.
Speaker 1:If you and your spouse have a disagreement, we shouldn't open facebook and see it, you know. We shouldn't see it on instagram, you know, because you put an image and a caption about what's going wrong in your relationship. We shouldn't see that. Yeah, see what I'm saying? That's, that's not healthy and it's not beneficial to your relationship. I've seen different people post things and and thank god, I saw somebody the other day posted something about their relationship and I mean it was bad. It was really bad. They were really saying some negative things, uh, and later on they took it down and I was so grateful to see that they removed it that's good from social media.
Speaker 1:But at that point I mean it's the internet, social media, it's already out there people already thinking oh, what's wrong with them, oh, what's going on over there, oh, what happened? That's none of their business, it's none of our business. Yeah, but when you put it out there, you cross, you cross a boundary line and you start bringing other people into your marriage, and that's a place where they don't belong right, exactly I agree.
Speaker 1:So so you need it's kind of like growing up, especially you grew up in a black household yeah you know what go on in his house stay in his house now I'm not saying that that's 100 okay, because it was a lot of trauma that took place within those confines, but when you talk about marriage, there is some truth to that. Regarding your marriage, that what goes on within your household and I'm not talking about harmful things, I'm not talking about abuse and all type of craziness- but, just your disagreements.
Speaker 1:Those things don't need to be shared. Every time you and your spouse have a disagreement, exactly right. You're gonna have plenty of those over the life of your marriage. You're gonna have plenty challenges and even if it gets even worse, if it becomes something of infidelity of that nature, even that stays in your marriage?
Speaker 2:yeah, because you're gonna what. What happens when you work through it? Yeah, you know. Then all the people that you've told are looking at your spouse like I can't believe she stayed with him or I can't believe he stayed with her.
Speaker 1:You know, I've seen a lot of couples. They will forgive, yeah, but but a lot of people, I mean, they have nothing to forgive on the outside, but they don't. They don't easily forget, no, they don't hold it. And every time they see you they remember and they whisper it.
Speaker 2:I mean, people are just like that, unfortunately. Yeah, but you don't have to have that. If you don't put your business exactly, go ahead, all right. So the next one is not communicating with exes this is a good one.
Speaker 1:I like that one because there's a lot of people out here that you know think it's okay to have conversations with their exes. You know, I remember one time my spouse look in the camera had a phone conversation.
Speaker 2:What wait a minute, you gotta fix that.
Speaker 1:No, you can't, I ain't gonna let you say that was wrong that's not how it went did you have phone conversation?
Speaker 2:but did you not approve it?
Speaker 1:I did approve it. But I said you had a phone conversation. How was I gonna deny you grown? How?
Speaker 2:did it happen? It was. It was very respectful. You're trying to put me out there on front street, but but not a situation was.
Speaker 1:There was an ex of yours from years past like childhood, like middle school yeah, yeah, and I'll be honest with you for me, uh-huh, them kind of exes don't really count.
Speaker 2:No, because that was my friend. Like you, you know that. Be that what you say, it's my friend, my friend, my friend. See you want to throw little shots over here. So it's my friend. So we were friends for real, we good.
Speaker 1:That's how it start we just friends, we just friends.
Speaker 2:It ain't nothing like that.
Speaker 1:Middle school. But this guy from back then, and I mean what is middle school? So your number was the same in middle school. Uh-huh See, we gonna get on you Because he had your current phone number.
Speaker 2:We was friends though.
Speaker 1:But we dated in middle school. How did he get your number later on down the road?
Speaker 2:I'm trying to think, maybe high school, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Maybe high school. There's some gaps in the story. Now let me finish telling my story. So one night we're at home and he calls your phone. It's never happened before, never happened. He calls your phone and he says he has something that's happened, real serious situation, real traumatic. And he calls your phone in a panic and he says I need to talk to you about something. Um, in that case he was mentioning he couldn't reach anybody else and he needed somebody he could talk to and share what was going on.
Speaker 2:And um, we just got married right?
Speaker 1:we've been married for a short while a short while and he made the statement. You know he wasn't trying to be disrespectful and he did ask you to ask me if it was okay if he had that conversation with you, and so I did. I said it was okay. After hearing what the situation was and what was going on, I did say it was okay and you had the conversation and that was it. That was the last time you all spoke. As far as I know, what you ain't confirmed or denied- what do you mean?
Speaker 1:what do you mean? What I mean you. That was the last time you all spoke, as far as I know if I saw him like in the street.
Speaker 2:Hey how you doing something wrong with that yep.
Speaker 1:Oh, my god, you got permission, but but anyway, I gotta ask for permission.
Speaker 2:Hold on, let me go. Let me hold on before I say hey to you. But is it okay for me to say hey?
Speaker 1:I just see but but anyway, that situation, yeah, um wasn't a bad situation, but it was I. He handled it respectfully, yeah, and it wasn't a bad situation, but he handled it respectfully and it wasn't an ongoing thing. And I still feel the way I feel. Until next time you find somebody else to call, I mean I still feel that way. Don't call my wife. I mean, I know this situation is rough, but you can call somebody else next time and find you a 911., because this ain't it. And so that's one of those things, because it can lead to other things. It can lead to oh, I called you before, let me call you again, and then it can lead to frequent conversations yeah that can go other places and so you need boundaries.
Speaker 1:It's like, no, we're not talking like that. Okay, this is a one-time thing. I understand you're going through and I don't want anything bad to happen as a result of what's going on in your world, and we understand that. But this is not. I'm not your helpline.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, and I think some couples have to realize that you you may have somebody from your past or x or whoever, but I'm not your lifeline anymore yeah don't call me when you get in a bad situation, like you need family or friends or somebody else in your life, yeah, that can help you and that's a boundary I think we have to set up. Yeah, the couple should set up in their relationship so that they don't get sucked in in something that is well-meaning but turns into something else because of prior interaction yeah, with a person yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2:Um, even when we were, um, we weren't married, but I think we were dating and you, with the ex, told me that was gonna always be your friend. And I was like, well, that ain't gonna work, because we get married. How's that gonna look, you know? And so I in my mind, I'm thinking so, when we get married, is he gonna always be talking to her? Because you're saying that's gonna always be your friend, and so, um, that's why I don't understand sometimes how, uh, women or men can have friends of the opposite sex and get married and still be around and the spouse be okay with that. I guess it works for some people hey.
Speaker 2:However, they set it up um because sometimes that friend, that uh, that that friend becomes, I guess, friends with the spouse you know, some people have made it work, and that's why I'm not.
Speaker 1:We're not saying this is a hundred percent absolutely. You gotta do it the way we say it. I know for us. Yeah, we've, and that's why I'm like we're not saying this is 100% absolute. You got to do it the way we say it. I know for us. We've chosen that. That's not something we want in our relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we just didn't do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we didn't do it and we don't want that. We don't want friends of the opposite sex that we're just like. I just don't feel comfortable with a female being my best friend, and I'm married being my best friend and I'm married.
Speaker 1:See what I'm saying yeah, or I wouldn't be comfortable with you having a male as a best friend and we're married and y'all talking and texting. It just doesn't look good, it doesn't give off the right thing and it could create the wrong type of dynamic. It's almost like a door for the enemy to come through, if given the opportunity, and so I think for us we would just rather keep those doors shut. We're not saying because you have a friend of the opposite sex that you're absolutely wrong or you're in sin or you're doing something ungodly or you're cheating. It's not necessarily the case, but the potential, I believe, increases when you have that, yeah, so that's good.
Speaker 2:Um, other than that, I don't. I don't think we had to have these conversations.
Speaker 1:I think we just went into it like I think we had them, but we had the same understanding about it like we didn't, I think. At first I had a different view because I was like it's my friends always be my friend. But you know, looking back now and you know, at the time making that gesture, I realized that was foolish, Like and this was an ex, so it's an ex, that's a friend. How are we going to just be friends and we have history together.
Speaker 2:That wasn't like middle school history.
Speaker 1:You know, we young adults history, and that just shouldn't be that ain't gonna work yeah, it was unhealthy. It wasn't a good thing, but I was transitioning in my relationship from being a bachelor to having all the friends I wanted to oh, getting married.
Speaker 2:So you mean, I keep going, keep going. I just have friends, everybody, everybody got friends Everybody in the world.
Speaker 1:if they're friendly, they have friends.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right.
Speaker 1:We ain't going to go into that, no.
Speaker 2:So the next one is maintaining appropriate conversations with others.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is huge what do you think about that?
Speaker 2:I just feel like you shouldn't certain things that you shouldn't talk about with your friends, your-workers, your you know, just just people in general. When it comes to your marriage, there's certain things that are off limits, yeah.
Speaker 1:I've seen people go to work and have conversations about their spouse with somebody on their job it's not good. Uh, yeah, and and really, if you're talking to the opposite sex that could have an interest in you, I mean, even if they don't have an interest in you, it's still not a healthy place to talk about your spouse and what they did, or what they didn't do yeah, and you're, you're, you're giving somebody the bullets to the gun to fire and aim at you at your marriage, and it's just, it's not a healthy thing.
Speaker 1:So, you have to be careful of the conversations you have and create boundaries there. So if I'm at work, you know we're not talking about my spouse, as far as you all know.
Speaker 2:We great Right, you know what if it's just not talking about your spouse, but just, you know, uh, friendly flirting or anything like that?
Speaker 1:and you gotta be watchful of that too. Be careful of that, because I mean just because you're married doesn't mean you become ugly all of a sudden. You're not telling me that all the time you know you, you got married, you didn't turn ugly yeah so you still see attractive people and people still see you as attractive.
Speaker 1:So when you get married you have to have boundaries in your life yeah that, hey, I'm married, so certain things we're not going to talk about, certain gestures and people are not stupid. Yeah, you know, when somebody's flirting with you like most of the time you know it. That's your cue to remove yourself from that situation and avoid that at all costs, and you may it may even have to change the way you're interacting with that person. I remember a situation that I had come on tell it.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna tell it situation I had years ago where, uh, this young lady I was working with and and you, you know me, I'm just a nice guy. Nice, I love to be kind to people, I love to make people laugh. I'm always cracking little jokes and just just smiling, just having a good time. Well, it was this young lady that worked, that I work with, and when we didn't work in the same department or what have you, but when we would see each other, I would speak to her. She was real nice. I was nice to her and you know I crack little jokes, different things, we work and go about my and I thought nothing of it. I thought I was just being a nice, friendly guy. And she told somebody else that I liked her. I can't remember what all she said I liked her and something else, whatever.
Speaker 1:And the young lady came and told me the person she told came and told me like, yeah, she said that you liked her and you was this, that and the other. I was like I said she ain't lost her mind. And I was mad. I got real mad about it and I ended up. You know what I said? I said I ain't never talking to her again. I said I'm done with her. I said I can't believe she would go and say something like that she did to me yeah, I'm being nice, I'm being kind to you, and you going to say that about me as if I got any interest in you at all, and I was like I'm done with that. And it got to a point where I was like I'm not even speaking to you because you saw her, but you didn't see her hey, y'all, she got and went on about my business.
Speaker 1:I got no, hey, you know how you doing no nothing because I had to put a boundary around it, because you, you're thinking this is something that is not right and if you start spreading rumors like this, that goes against my character, that's a reflection on me as a man, as a husband. Yeah, no, we're not doing that. That's right. So you have to have those boundaries in your life to protect your marriage and your relationship, because people will take stuff and run with. I mean, and I, when I realized you used to tell me you need to stop being so nice because women think you flirting with them.
Speaker 1:I'm like don't nobody think that I'm like no, and I saw it firsthand Like what you that desperate for a man because somebody speak to you and is kind to you and make you think they want you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, tell nobody, I want you. Well, I'm so glad you learned that lesson, because I was trying to tell you and forewarn you about that, because you just, you know, you nice guy floating around, floating around, you know just kind of I didn't say floating around, just, you know, being nice and friendly, making people laugh.
Speaker 2:You know this is who you are and I recognize that. And I recognize that. But I recognize, when I'm with you and you're, you know, interacting with the opposite sex, I realize that they take that as, oh, he like me or he flirting with me, and so I would try to tell you, oh well, you might need to chill out on that. And so I stopped saying anything. I was like, ok, god, you're going to have to work this out because he don't get it. And so that situation had to happen and it's like, after that happened, it was like, oh, I got it. Now I got it. You know, you was like hot, like oh I didn't like that.
Speaker 2:No, disrespectful and I'm glad you know it had to happen and it happened the way it had to. For you to get it, um, because you don't want, you know, to keep going on through life doing that stuff and you got all these women thinking you like them.
Speaker 1:That's a myth, yeah, but you got to have those boundaries and so, by creating those boundaries, it was a total shift.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you shifted totally.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it was good, it was a good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was good. It was an eye-opening experience, I believe, for you, yeah.
Speaker 1:For for you, yeah, for that. It kept me safe and it probably you never said it, but it probably brought another level of comfort and security to you like exactly. I know that there that potential of anything is being cut off yeah yeah, all right what we got so that was good.
Speaker 2:I like that, uh, keeping communication respectful yeah, and I think that we'll.
Speaker 1:We'll wrap up with that, but communication is important and that is. Some people define this as knowing how to fight, how to disagree, and that is you got to stay respectful towards your partner, your spouse, when y'all get off like there has to be boundaries, there has to be some kind of governing rule in your communication that there's certain things.
Speaker 1:I'm just not going to say to my spouse yeah, it's certain words I'm not going to use with my. It's just certain things I'm not going to throw and use against you not only that, what about the silent treatment?
Speaker 2:yeah, you know, that's disrespectful that's disrespectful not being engaged when you know they're trying to talk to you and ask you questions and you just kind of, I guess, they say to shut down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like you put that wall up and I think some people do that so they don't go off the deep end, but at the same time, I think there's a way to do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:There's a way to say well, let's table this for now and we'll come back in 15 minutes. Now you can't be like we'll talk about that later, where later is not a time on the clock or date on the calendar, so let's not talk about later, let's set a day and time, hopefully just a time.
Speaker 2:You don't need to go to the next day.
Speaker 1:You don't want to let the sun go down on your rack, so let's set a time, okay? I'm I'm heated, you're heated give me 15 yeah, let's come back.
Speaker 2:Listen 15 minutes, yeah.
Speaker 1:And let's continue this conversation respectfully. So it doesn't get out of hand Exactly, but all that I'm done. I ain't talking to you. I don't want. Don't talk to me. I don't want to talk about that. That's out of bounds.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because the relationship, healthy communication, even with the hard stuff, yeah, it needs to be talked about.
Speaker 2:Because just because you stop talking about it does not mean it goes away, and then when you're talking and you're going back and forth, nobody's hearing each other. So you've got to really bring it down and make sure you're being respectful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so let's go a little further with that. I know we're running close to our time, but when you talk about healthy boundaries with communication close to our time but when you talk about healthy boundaries with communication, like, don't use intimate details of information that I gave you, yeah, because I trusted you with it because you're going to damage the trust yeah if you do that if you throw that up in my face, don't make me not want to tell you nothing else Like oh, you won't go there, OK yeah.
Speaker 1:You will mishandle that and your spouse will not trust you with the inner workings of their heart and of their life.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know and you'll lose something in a relationship and don't take shots at one another, don't take what we call low blows. Things that you know are sensitive areas Now you. Things that you know are sensitive areas, now you hit that when you want to hurt me. That's out of bounds. You need boundary lines there where you don't go there with the relationship.
Speaker 1:You just have to be careful with that communication and so, like we said, word use and how we talk about one another and bringing up stuff that you shouldn't bring up, those things need boundaries. Yes, if you're going to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's good. What do you think about that? I think that's good.
Speaker 1:I think that's good for most couples, most relationships and marriages they should really think about it, I don't think many of them think about it. They should think about what are our boundaries, what are our rules for our relationship, to make sure we don't cross boundaries with one another and do damage to each other, you know every marriage is going to face some damage. Yeah, but we don't need unnecessary damage. Exactly If we set the proper boundaries in place.
Speaker 2:And then just know that your boundary doesn't look like. If you got friends and family that's married, everybody's boundaries are going to be different, yep.
Speaker 1:Well, look, I enjoyed it. That was good.
Speaker 2:That was good.
Speaker 1:All right, listen, thank you all for joining us today. We hope that you were encouraged and this was helpful to you. Don't forget, if you didn't already like this video, subscribe to our channel, leave us a comment below and share with somebody you think it will be helpful to. All right, we can't wait to see you on the next episode. Take care, hey. Thank you for joining us, for doing it with the Daniels. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to like comment, subscribe and share this podcast absolutely, we'll see you next time.