Unequally Yoked? Navigating Spiritual Growth in Marriage

Tesa and Charles share insights on navigating the complexities of spiritual growth within marriage. They explore the importance of understanding and supporting each other's spiritual journeys while managing expectations. The conversation emphasizes patience, love, and the potential for unity even when partners are on different spiritual paths.

• Understanding individual spiritual growth rates 
• The risks of comparing marriages to social media portrayals 
• The importance of small invitations in spiritual engagement 
• Breaking the idealized mold of couple spirituality 
• Navigating pushback and pressure in faith discussions 
• Trusting God's timing for your partner's growth 

If this message resonates with you, share it with your spouse or other couples who might benefit from this podcast!

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Transcript

Breaking the Dream Marriage Image

Speaker 1 0:00

Just like we tell couples council couples, we tell them to kill their mold or break their image, their dream marriage or whatever they thought marriage would look like and how their spouse would be and what their life would be. We're like you got to break that. You got to take a sledgehammer and smash that thing to pieces. Welcome to Doing it With the Dales, the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles.

Speaker 2 0:28

And I'm Tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry.

Speaker 1 0:36

Let's dive in together and discover the joys of Doing it With the Daniels. Hey, welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry. Thank you for joining us today for the podcast. Dear, how are you today?

Speaker 2 0:50

I'm good. How are you?

Speaker 1 0:52

I'm good. I'm good, how are you? It's all good, it's all good, what up man?

Speaker 2 0:59

I don't say that I ain't never said that what you say what you say?

Speaker 1 1:03

I don't know. You say something, what it do. I don't say that you said. I said that I ain't never said that. What'd you say? What'd you say? I don't know. You say something, what'd it do I?

Speaker 2 1:08

don't say that either. What?

Speaker 1 1:10

are you saying you said something? I don't say that. What is wrong with you?

Speaker 2 1:16

you had. You said that before, not on the podcast, so wrong with you.

Speaker 1 1:22

I'm just messing with you. So what are we talking about?

Speaker 2 1:24

today?

Speaker 1 1:25

I don't know what are we talking about?

Speaker 2 1:27

so when your spouse isn't as spiritually strong as you, interesting, it's very interesting.

Speaker 1 1:34

So so basically, what we're talking about is when couples are not at the same place in their walk with god yes but you're still, and how do you go forward progressively and productively in the marriage when you're kind of moving at a different pace, a different rate of speed in your growth? Right, maybe, given more intentionality, more effort seemingly, is coming from one spouse than the other? What does that look like? Especially, both of you are believers you believes, you know. We talk about believers, people who really love God, but the truth is that couples don't always grow at the same rate yeah, the same pace, yeah, so doesn't mean you don't love God, right, you know.

Speaker 1 2:17

And it doesn't mean they don't love each other, right. They're just not as focused on the things of God as a unit Right as maybe they would like to be. And it may just be a process, a development process that they have to go through to get there. But it's not a reason for divorce, it's not a reason for division, right? It's not a reason to be at odds. It's something that they have to learn to balance and work through as a couple.

Speaker 2 2:46

Yeah.

Speaker 1 2:47

Right, and I think it's. It's important for couples to remember that you can't force your spouse to be anything, so you have to be willing to grow. So if couples are there today, if you're there today or you know somebody um man, always like and share this podcast, it'll be a blessing to them, uh them, especially if you know somebody who's struggling with that and trying to figure out how to navigate that dilemma, because some people cause it to to allow them to be frustrated yeah, with their partner friction in the marriage absolutely.

Speaker 1 3:17

It can cause friction in the marriage and it doesn't have to. No, and I would probably say it shouldn't. You shouldn't allow it, but you have to know how to manage your expectations of your partner. You can't have this big ideal of what your marriage should be like as a couple when it comes to your walk with God. Because, just like we tell couples, we counsel couples, we tell them to kill their mold or break their, their image, right, their dream marriage or whatever they thought marriage would look like, and how their spouse would be and what their life would be like, you got to break that. You got to take a sledgehammer and smash that into pieces otherwise it can be.

Speaker 1 3:59

It can be an idol that will come in and torment your marriage because, more than likely, your spouse is not going to be what you dreamed of when you was 14 and 16 and 18 and all these big expectations and selfish goals that you had. No, I call them selfish goals because we make goals. It's all about right, this is what I want I want to be this way.

Speaker 2 4:20

I want to act like that I want my husband to do this, I want him to act like this, I want to talk to me like this, I want to treat me like this, all of that and most men feel the way.

Speaker 1 4:27

I want her to look this way, not knowing this way right right, you know she's gonna have all this nice hair, but then at home she's wearing a bonnet.

Speaker 2 4:35

You know, you know she don't look like nice hair and wear weave she wear weave, right.

Speaker 1 4:41

You just don't know. Hey, it's different, and then too you might be fine at 25, but what happens when you get 45?

Speaker 1 4:50

hopefully you still 55 things may change is all I'm saying so if you still have this dream that you're trying to live out at a certain place in your life, but that's not what you have yeah it can ruin something great yeah so you got to kill that. So saying that, to say some people have this idea of their spiritual walk with their couple we're gonna pray together every day. We're gonna read the bible every day, we're gonna, we're gonna worship together we're gonna sit in church and hold hands, and it may not be that you don't know how it's going to work out.

Speaker 1 5:23

It doesn't mean you all don't love God, which you said earlier, but your whole view of it may have to change.

Speaker 2 5:29

Yeah, it's going to be different. So what's one of the common struggles?

Speaker 1 5:33

What is? What is one of the common struggles? I think that is the common struggle of wanting your spouse to kind of be there with you. What do you say? What do you say?

Speaker 2 5:41

one of those common struggles is I say one of the common struggles is just your mindset, kind of what we've been talking about. It's kind of like I'm trying to think about what we did as a couple was one of the struggles, because you were, you were further along than I was, not that I didn't love God or anything, but I was just like I have to do all that. You know, as far as in ministry, preaching, all of that, you know, I think I sung in a choir and stuff like that.

Speaker 2 6:08

but that was pretty much it. But just having that passion, I don't think I had that for the things of God. Back then I was just like I love God, I want to do what he say. Do I want to be obedient, and I felt like I was fine. And I think, sometimes we lack understanding yeah when it comes to that, not that I'm just like I don't want to do things, I'm just probably didn't even know or I didn't even realize that God called me to do you know anything.

Speaker 1 6:36

So it's like, okay, I'm just here to be, you know, good little Christian yeah, I mean, I think that's the that's, that's the idea behind it, like, well, I feel good about my relationship with God. All that extra stuff I don't really need until we grow into it. You see, I'm saying we, as we begin to grow and we want to see growth, then it kind of changes.

Speaker 1 6:57

Yeah, I definitely had to grow into it, yeah yeah it, it changes, and so sometimes your partner is just not in a place where they feel like they need to go as hard as you may feel. You want to go after god. Their, their passion, their, their fire, their desire may not be there and you should always pray for them to have that, but you got to also understand it's up to them right when they get it.

Speaker 1 7:22

So that goes into focus on your own growth mm-hmm, I think, I think that's one of the main keys that they should look at. So when you realize you and your spouse have a different approach to your walk with God, mm-hmm, don't try to make them walk at your pace right because it's going to feel like you're dragging them along right, and I think at times that's how it kind of felt with us, like I was trying to pull you along, like come on, you're like no, I'm fine.

Speaker 2 7:48

Yeah, encouraging me in your in your way, you're encouraging me, but you're also pushing me, and it's making me feel uncomfortable, because you're pushing me to do things I'm not ready to do yet, and so I think that's when it kind of backfires yes on us.

Speaker 1 8:02

Yeah, it definitely. It definitely backfires because you start to get that pushback and then your, your spouse, starts to feel some kind of way about pushing back, because it's like you can feel like, well, maybe I don't want God yeah, and it's not that I'm pushing back against God, I'm pushing back against your pushing me into.

Speaker 1 8:25

So it's the spouse that I'm pushing back against, like I'm not ready for what you're trying to push me into. Because if me and God are okay, if I feel okay with my relationship with God, with where I am you pushing me is because you're not comfortable with my relationship, not because I'm not comfortable yeah with my relationship, not because I'm not comfortable exactly you want me. You want more for me before I want more of god for myself yeah, that's good, and I think that's what couples have to realize.

Speaker 1 8:50

Your spouse has to want more of god for themselves, otherwise now you start to create this push-pull effect in your relationship and that's that's not what god wants for, uh, married couples right right. He wants them to be an encouragement and a strength to one another so help them when we say uh, focus on your own growth which what are some of the things that they they can do?

Speaker 1 9:13

that is, if you're in the word you stay in the word right right, but you don't have to take every scripture that that god lights up to you or you get excited about, don't? Hey, let me tell you what I read today, because they're gonna be like, okay, and you're not gonna get the response you want, then you're gonna get that. You can get discouraged. You're gonna feel like they're not involved or we're not in this together yeah and you're making it something that it doesn't have to be exactly so, so you focus on your growth with god.

Speaker 1 9:41

you stay in the word. You do your your daily devotion. If you do a daily devotion, whatever your discipleship walk is with god, you keep doing what you've been doing, whatever feeds your spirit and causes you to grow. You do that for you. But don't try to push that on them. Don't try to get them to be as excited about God as you are. They might not be there, right, right? So, yeah, you pray, you like to spend your time praying, but if you get up at 5 am to pray, Don't try to wake them up and get them up and say, hey, come on, we got to go pray at 5.

Speaker 1 10:18

And then if they say, no, don't look crazy and try to say, well, you're just rejecting God.

Speaker 2 10:22

No, they're not rejecting God.

Speaker 1 10:23

They're rejecting you.

Speaker 2 10:24

Yeah.

Speaker 1 10:24

So and you don't want to feel rejected and what that's telling you is back off.

Speaker 2 10:28

Yeah.

Speaker 1 10:29

Pray for them. But, you got to let them walk this thing out Exactly Themselves.

Speaker 2 10:41

You take care of you and let them walk through what God has given them to walk through at the pace they're ready to receive it. So I guess you know we're living in an age where you know social media. You see all couples. They they do their little devotions together, they pray together. You see all that. So what would you say to somebody whose spouse is not necessarily there or ready for that is that's? Is that something that they need to try to push on them as well, or no?

Speaker 1 11:03

I would say get off social media, stop copying the the 90 second reel of somebody that you don't know right because some people are staging their relationship. They're staging this stuff for social media right and then you think that that's their life and it's not. They probably don't even pray together. They probably don't even read the scriptures together.

Speaker 2 11:26

Yeah, but they stage it for a reel in front of a camera and post it and tell you these are couple goals, yeah I would say this, I would say and one thing, you got to do what works best for you, because just because we got friends that may pray together, read or worship and study the Bible together, that might not work for us. And so we have to do what works for us. And so, you know, we tried that at one time who are we going to pray together? Well, after we did it, we realized that don't work for us, we don't like that, and if we have to come together for an agreement, we will, you know in that. But back then, when we were trying to do that, I was in a different place, you were in a different place, so it was uncomfortable for both of us, I think. And so we had to realize okay, we'll revisit this later, yeah, and I mean right now we being transparent?

Speaker 1 12:17

we still don't. We don't pray together regularly. We have our own prayer life. I have my relationship with god. You have your relationship with god right. You spend your time with god. I spend my time with god. It's not a all right, baby, let's go pray. All right, let's go read the bible together. That's not how it works. Yeah, sometimes I'm praying and reading the bible and you're taking care of the kids. Sometimes you're spending time with god, you're away with god and I'm doing other things, or whatever the case may be, yeah, it's. We have our own, our own relationship and we don't try to force that on one another now when we need to come together and pray the prayer of agreement yeah we come together, we pray the prayer of agreement over our children, over our ministry, over those within our ministry.

Speaker 1 13:04

Whatever we need to do, we may come together to multiply the power and the grace yeah that is on us, through that, through their prayer of agreement yeah, but we had to keep.

Speaker 2 13:12

We had to pray for tyler, yeah, but that's not.

Speaker 1 13:15

That's not a everyday thing like oh, let's grab hands and let's pray together every day. Oh, let's sit down with a cup of coffee and do our daily devotional every day. That's not what we're doing now. If that works for you, great, and some couples who want that yeah where you have one couple who's weaker but they're going to the stronger spouse saying, hey, do this with me. Now you got that open door to say, okay, come sit with me and I'll show you what I'm doing. Right, or we can read this together.

Speaker 1 13:45

But they have to be open to doing either um, either through them opening the door or through an invitation that they are willing to accept yeah so I would say this I think when, when your faith produces peace, when your faith produces peace instead of pressure, right, that's when it will draw your spouse in.

Speaker 2 14:10

Yes, and.

Speaker 1 14:12

I think that's the key. Your walk with God has to produce peace in the home, not pressure on your partner.

Speaker 2 14:18

Yeah, not pressure on your partner?

Speaker 1 14:25

yeah, and when it does that then you.

Embracing Differences in Spirituality

Speaker 2 14:26

You create a space for god. Yeah, to pull at the heart of your spouse. So that means it's just organically happening, yes, and you're not pressuring them.

Speaker 2 14:32

You're not making something happen you're being an example that they can see, yeah, but you're not creating pressure for them right saying you got to be like me and sometimes that's the turnoff because, sometimes, as believers, we can do too much, and it can also come off as being religious you know we come in, we feel like you know we're talking, all this talk and it can make the spouse feel like they're in one level and then you're way up here and so how can I expire to that?

Speaker 2 15:03

and so it can do, it can backfire. Actually, what it does is it backfires and it pushes that spouse further away. When you're trying to and you're you're you're trying to do in your mind, you're thinking you're doing the right thing, but it pushes them away and it does the total opposite because, your spouse looking at you like you're doing too much it's almost like that back in the day when we used to have that person that came around us and they were.

Speaker 2 15:30

They were just, you know, kind of like everybody was so bad and they were just so good, and all that so it just kind of puts you in the mind of that.

Speaker 1 15:41

Yeah.

Speaker 2 15:42

You know back then so they can kind of look at you like, oh you're. You know you're doing the right thing and I want to do it, but the way you're going about it is it's just all wrong, absolutely.

Speaker 1 15:52

Now I would say this the next step is use small invitation.

Speaker 2 15:57

Yeah.

Speaker 1 16:04

To, as I just just mentioned, to encourage them. It can be hey, I've got a good devotion today um.

Speaker 2 16:07

Would you like to read it with me?

Speaker 1 16:09

and you have to give them space to say yes or no. Or sometimes they may say well, you read it and I'll just listen yeah till you read it out loud. Well, whatever it is, that's a, that's an open channel, that's an open door. It's small, right, they're not jumping all in, and I think you have to minimize your expectations, like you should have. Small in small invitations, right.

Speaker 2 16:30

Yeah, without the big expectations like don't, don't push them too fast, yeah yeah, don't expect them to jump on like yeah give me one of those devotions, buy me one of those bibles I'm about to go all in with god.

Speaker 1 16:40

no, don't expect that. Don't expect them to jump on like, yeah, give me one of those devotions, buy me one of those Bibles I'm about to go all in with God. No, don't expect that. Don't expect them to wake up excited like, yes, this is going to be amazing. Let's do all things, jesus.

Speaker 2 16:49

They're not there yet, yeah.

Speaker 1 16:51

Right. So be patient with them and lower your expectations of them, because if you can give a small invitation and they say well, you read it and I'll listen, that's progress. Right, exactly Right, or if you say well, how about we pray together? And they say OK, let's, let's pray together. And they say you lead. Don't try to make them lead prayer. If they say you pray, you lead, but I'm here, we can pray, but you lead.

Speaker 2 17:15

Lead the house.

Speaker 1 17:16

Why don't you leave to pray? He don't know how to pray. And it's okay and it's okay, but maybe if you do it, you model it, he can learn.

Speaker 2 17:29

Yeah.

Speaker 1 17:30

In a safe place where he doesn't feel judged.

Speaker 2 17:32

And then one day.

Speaker 1 17:35

And don't be talking to the portals of heaven and all of that yeah, keep it simple because they're they are learning from you, even though they may not say they're learning right from your example exactly. And then one day, if you do it that way, one day, they may say okay, I think I can do this, and they'll say you know what? I'm? A leap predator. I'm gonna give this a try.

Speaker 2 18:00

Exactly.

Speaker 1 18:01

And when they do it, you encourage them.

Speaker 2 18:02

That's why you hadn't set the bar so high that they feel like they can't. They can't get there.

Speaker 1 18:07

Yeah, don't go up into tongues, no, just pray, just pray. Some people just they just do too much. If I had to do all that, look you just do it and whatever, yeah, but they will get there. No, I'm not saying that they shouldn't strive for those things.

Speaker 2 18:30

Yeah.

Speaker 1 18:31

But God has to put a hunger and a desire in them for those things Exactly, and so that's where you pray in your private time for them, to God. Give them that hunger, give them that desire.

Speaker 2 18:41

That encounter with him. Yeah, give them that encounter with god where they're not just trying to do something and be religious. Yeah, but they really have it for real in them, because that's that's good, because if god does it it's gonna be for real. Yeah, if you do it, it can always go. You know they can have it one day and the next day they going on off to something else so you want to make sure that god does it, and so that's why you got to trust in God's timing.

Speaker 1 19:08

Yeah.

Speaker 2 19:09

And I tell people all the time let God do it and don't you try to do it. You got to make sure that it's a God thing.

Speaker 1 19:15

Yeah, and when you do it that way, when you have the small invitations and the small, or you do it without big expectations, it allows you to create a dynamic where a door is open, a door is presented, it's open, they can accept it or they can reject it, and you don't take it personally if they reject it you can be okay with that and you can continue to move forward with them.

Speaker 1 19:47

You don't have to feel guilty. Or they didn't receive it and they don't have to feel guilty for saying no, right, so don't flip out because they don't go along with it. And when you do this, do it this way. It prevents that dynamic of the relationship from becoming a battleground yeah and it maintains the connection in the marriage and that's the goal.

Speaker 1 20:10

You want to keep the connection. You don't want to turn your walk with god as a couple into a place of tension yeah, that's good because, remember what we said before, it's the peace that's going to draw them. Yeah right, not, not the tension, you're not the pressure yeah it's the peace, so you want to maintain that peace, even when they're not as receptive to your invitations.

Speaker 2 20:34

Yeah, one thing I do want to say I want to go back is some spouses they don't, um, do certain things in front of their other spouse, um, because of you know, the other spouse may be doing too much, so you may not see them doing all these things reading, praying, worshiping but when they're alone or when they're driving in their car, they may have that time with God. They're just not doing it around you, I think. I think I used to do that when it came to us. I would, I would go off somewhere and have my own time where you probably didn't see you know a lot of that but I was doing it outside or the house or whatever. I was alone.

Speaker 1 21:13

I know for me I had a space in the house. I was usually going to a different room and you knew I was in there praying and worshiping, reading or whatever. I think for you you probably did a lot of that in the car. You would go somewhere, you would drive or go somewhere and, you know, have your music and you would do that in the car, maybe pull over somewhere go to the park read lunch break, yeah, so it's different it's different and you just gotta trust God.

Speaker 1 21:37

You know me, I'm all for expressive, expressing your relationship with God.

Speaker 2 21:41

I'm all for it being evident that you are in love with Jesus yeah but people have to grow to that expression yeah, and then they have to be comfortable around you sometimes yeah, you know, they just, they're just not comfortable yet. They're not there yet.

Speaker 1 21:57

I think they grow to it. And then too, I will say this, the next phase of it I think they have to be on fire yeah, for God when you get on fire. I think that's when it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter like you go beyond the, I'm growing into it to that fire pushes you yeah and that's what. That's what we want our spouses sometime to catch that fire.

Speaker 1 22:18

But if they haven't caught that fire, in god, that passion that fervency yeah, you've got to let them move their own pace and pray that the fire of god will get on.

Speaker 2 22:26

Yeah.

Speaker 1 22:27

And that begins to shift things. Where, yeah, your tears are flowing, they'll lift their hands and they'll cry out to God because the fire of God is now engaged in their life. So I think that's what we want to see Want them to jump straight to the fire.

Speaker 2 22:41

Yeah.

Speaker 1 22:41

And some people. Just they got to be ready to receive that fire.

Speaker 2 22:45

Right, that's good.

Speaker 1 22:47

So what's our next one?

Speaker 2 22:49

So call to action.

Speaker 1 22:50

Well, I think we have to trust God with timing. I think that's a big thing. We have to trust God with the timing and not push them before they're ready, right, which is kind of what we kind of get into. Remember that your a as a spouse is not to turn yourself into a spiritual coach, right? You're not their spiritual coach, you're not. Let me give you some books to read. Let me give you some prayer manuals.

Speaker 2 23:18

Let me let me show you how it's done. Let me show you how to do this. Let me show you what this scripture says. Let me you know. Then you, you turn into, like you said, their coach and they're like I don't want to listen to you.

Speaker 1 23:29

And it's because, as we're growing, we want to share that growth. We want to share that growth and, in sharing that growth, the first person we're going to share with typically is going to be our spouse. We want to share that growth with our spouse and we want them to be just excited as we are, as excited as we are, and that may not be the case.

Speaker 2 23:49

Right.

Speaker 1 23:50

So so you have to be careful that you don't take them. Take your spouse on as a project. It's my job to coach you into the things of God, is that what you feel like? Oh no, I didn't feel like that. Well, I'll say this I didn't think of it in those terms. I took the position as a husband that it was my responsibility to help you grow into the things of god, so I think it still showed up the same way yeah where I was trying to put come on come on, let's go do this, let's do spend time praying.

Speaker 1 24:22

Come on, get in the word, let's do, and really I need to just let you kind of go at your own pace go at your own pace and navigate through it and, as you move at your own pace, be there to support that.

Speaker 1 24:34

Yeah, and that's what ended up happening. And when I started to step back and stop worrying about you moving at a certain pace, you started moving at your own pace and it just gave me space to support you as you grew. And then here's when it became good, when you started asking me. You started asking me about things in the Bible scriptures that you were reading, things that you felt God was pulling at your heart, and as you begin to do that, then it opened the door for us to have those engaging conversations without me trying to pull you into those conversations, it just organically happened yeah, and even with that I had to.

Speaker 1 25:12

I couldn't go too far yeah like because I can get excited, and just dig in here and you're like, okay, that's enough it's too much like come on, you want to talk about this. You're like no, I just want to know about this yeah but all this extra stuff, okay, that's. That's too much. Let's just stick right here. When I get to that, we'll talk about that.

Speaker 2 25:28

Yeah, yeah, so that was good. I remember when all that happened and um, so when it kind of opened up for me and and for us. So what?

Speaker 1 25:38

what I learned is forcing it never speeds up the process slows it down right, it's, it's only. It only happens by love yeah forcing it slows it down, like you said, but love helps to accelerate. Yeah. So I had to learn to show love. And love wasn't based on your performance and how much you were doing to show me your walk with God. Yeah, it was just me loving you. Yeah, and then you loving God and feeling like you could pursue God without the pressure.

Speaker 2 26:12

You could pursue Him at your own pace, because I love you know. That doesn't mean your spouse doesn't love God. Because, you know, they love God. They just don't have, like you said earlier, that fire yeah.

Speaker 1 26:23

And I had to trust you and I had to trust god in the process. Yeah, knowing that it'll come together, yeah, it'll get there and it did. But but that's where I had to realize it wasn't about me getting you there, it was about god getting you there, and I'm just here to love and support you. So that's the whole thing about that.

The Stages of Spiritual Growth Together

Speaker 1 26:40

Don't become their coach, don't become their spiritual coach or whatever you want to call it well their mentor right, I got a lot of on Because most of the time, your spouse don't want you as their mentor. Mm-mm Right, it just doesn't work. They don't want you to be their mentor Now, until they get to a place until they're ready to receive that from you. Yeah, but until they're ready you can't just make yourself that in their life in that lane. Yeah, love them, accept them where they are and let god work on the rest of that and when they're ready to receive more from you.

Speaker 2 27:11

That's right. So if that's where you're at today, we will say keep praying, stay steady, breathe and and trust god, things will get better yes, 100, so listen.

Speaker 1 27:21

If this message hits home for you, this podcast hits a place. Uh, definitely, share with your spouse, maybe encourage them to listen. This is a good one. I don't think they'll feel like you're trying to push something on them. I think it will encourage them. It'll encourage you. Share with other couples. Just put it out there you don't know who it may help on your platforms. Like and subscribe so you don't miss the next podcast. It's going to be good, all right, so we'll see you Bye. Hey, thank you for joining us, for doing it with the Daniels, if you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast.

Speaker 1 27:55

Absolutely. We'll see you next time.