Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
What Nobody Tells You About Marriage
Charles and Tesa share valuable insights about what they wish they'd known before getting married, offering a transparent look at the realities couples face and how to navigate them successfully.
• Love doesn't fix bad habits - it often magnifies them
• You can't read each other's minds - clear communication is essential
• Arguments aren't about winning but understanding each other
• Marriage needs maintenance even when things are going well
• Friendship matters more than romance for long-term success
• Money will expose your different approaches and values
• You marry your spouse's family and their dynamics too
• Investing in learning about marriage is crucial for success
• Setting healthy boundaries with extended family is necessary
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I felt like, well, you know, you should know what I like. You should know that I want to go out on a date. You should know, you know how I'm feeling. You should know to go buy me something, bring it home, make me feel special, like all of that stuff in my mind. I'm internalizing this thing and I'm like he should know all this.
Speaker 2:You should know I'm a woman. Be romantic, uh-huh. Welcome to Doing it With the Daniels mantid. Right, welcome to doing it with the daniels the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry.
Speaker 1:I'm charles and I'm tisa. Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing it with the dans.
Speaker 2:Welcome to doing it with the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry what's? Up, babe, what's up? You just couldn't, couldn't help myself. You had to jump in.
Speaker 1:That's all right. I figured I'd do it with you this time. That's all right. So what's up you ready, I am, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, ready ready, ready, ready ready this episode is gonna be good fun, hopefully um enjoyable engaging.
Speaker 2:Hopefully they'll get a couple laughs out of it and and learn some things yeah, I think this one would be good for couples who are married kind of to reflect on some things, and for couples who aren't married to really consider some things uh, as we talk about this episode, I think it'd be good, I think there's some, some good stuff here. Um, that'll be beneficial, it's uh well, go ahead. I don't want to get ahead of myself. I'm excited you? What are we talking about?
Speaker 1:so we are talking about what we wish we knew before we got married.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yes, I think that's always kind of something once you, once you're married, to reflect on. You think back to all the things you wish you would have known so that you could go into it with a different perspective and not get kind of smacked across the face with some stuff that was totally unexpected. When you first get married, you come into it thinking all we need is love.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh.
Speaker 2:All we need is love, and as long as we love each other, man, we're going to conquer the world together. And then you realize, man, marriage is about a lot more than just love.
Speaker 1:Yes, so what we found out? Love does not fix, what bad habits love covers.
Speaker 2:but love covers, but it don't make it all better.
Speaker 2:It's some stuff that still got to be dealt with while we're in love yes so, so that's definitely good, so, yeah, so let's talk about that, because I think this will help all the couples you know, whether they're engaged, they're dating, they're married newlyweds it'll really help them to really, you know, really hone in that perspective of marriage and maybe fine-tune their expectations. Yeah, of marriage. You know, I think about, just as recently as last night, you and I, as we laid in the bed, um, preparing to go to sleep. I mean, at that point our lights were off, everything was all lame. They're really trying to go to sleep but we ended up talking and I said to you, I said, baby, did you think, when you thought about marriage, did you think about us laying in the bed and just talking about life, children, family, like the stuff that concerns us, celebrating the joys of what we see god doing in other people's lives, but yet thinking about the things that concern us, that need our attention? And we were both like, no, like we didn't think about this part.
Speaker 2:I think some people call it pillow talk to a certain extent it's where you know you're there and you're just talking to your, to your spouse, about the stuff that concerns you in life, but you don't think about that. When you think about getting married, you think about the love and we're going to build a family.
Speaker 1:How many kids are we going to have? Yeah, what are we traveling to?
Speaker 2:But you never think about when life hits. And this is the person you talk to, this is the person you confide in this is the person you build that intimate relationship with, because it's likely you don't have this person you build that intimate relationship with, because it's likely you don't have anybody else you can talk to no so it becomes a big part of the relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it does, so I don't think we did that in the beginning I think we did.
Speaker 2:I think we did maybe not as much now, but I think we did a little bit okay. I think every couple kind of you kind of have that, especially with women.
Speaker 1:Maybe it just looked different back then. Yeah, it was different, different concerns.
Speaker 2:Different phase of life when we first got married. So let's jump in, let's go ahead and save our couples, let's save these couples some time, some heartache, some stress, some pain, by telling them some things that we wish we would have known starting out in our marriage or before we got married. Okay, and let's, let's do that. So number one I think we kind of hit on it. But what do we have? What's the first thing?
Speaker 1:So the first thing is love, and with that. So love does not fix bad habits.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. Love doesn't fix bad habits. As a matter of fact, a lot of the things that may annoy you about your spouse before you get married, when you get married, love doesn't make those things go away.
Speaker 1:It magnifies it.
Speaker 2:It makes it bigger. Yes.
Speaker 1:And you be looking like oh, my God. I wish I would have known this before. I think a lot of people say that they find themselves saying that I wish.
Speaker 2:I would have known this before.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of people say that they find themselves saying that I wish I would have known this before. I wish I would have saw this before.
Speaker 2:I said I do, or I got married yeah so, as a man, if, if, like for me, when I get out the bed I mean when I get in the bed at night, you know, I kind of slide my socks off and they're on the side of the bed. But when, when I got married, I didn't magically like, yeah, I'm gonna put my socks in the dirty clothes hamper now because I'm married it. No, I get in the bed and they still hit the side of the bed.
Speaker 2:So, whatever habits, whatever traits, your partner has before you get married, they're probably still going to have those same traits after you get married. If there's something that you see about them before you get married and you're like, oh, that's nothing, I just love them, okay, it's great that you love them. You love, keep on loving them, because once you get married, that thing isn't going anywhere?
Speaker 1:no, it's not, and so for me, I think mine was patience, and so I had to ask God to help me with my patience, and as far as being married, um, and so that was a big thing for me yeah, yeah, because you don't automatically become more patient with your partner no after you get married.
Speaker 2:I think people are very patient while they're dating because they want to create that great impression and I want you to see me as a maid and want to be with me, but then if your patient is. Patience is thin once you get married. It's probably gonna get thinner.
Speaker 1:It's gonna get thinner and when you're dating people show up as their best self. They're what we call it their representative. They're, they're um that's another word that we used to say, but they're representative, and they're they're um that's another word that we used to say, but they're representative. And you showing up as, like, the best, the best you that you can be in those moments, and so. But when you get married, it changes, right?
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, you show up and say, hey, this is the real me, let your hair down and it's kind of flops and it changes and it's like, oh okay, that's why I be like, why I ain't noticed this before it's because you got relaxed, but you did notice it.
Speaker 2:You noticed it. You just tried to oh it be.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we say, oh, it's okay, it'll be a deal, I can live with that and everybody else around you notices it.
Speaker 2:If it's outward like that, they notice it, like, ooh, they like that. You're like, yeah, but I love them, okay. But when you get married it's outward like that, they notice. They're like, oh, they like that. You're like, yeah, but I love them. But when you get married it's like I can't stand it. And everybody you're all your friends around, yeah, we told you about that before you married, but you was like but I love it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're like we weren't that bad yes, it was, it was just the same.
Speaker 2:You just didn't know you just didn't notice it because you were so in love you didn't give attention to it. You thought it would get better yeah and it didn't. So you're absolutely right love does not fix bad habits. So the key to that is whatever you notice now start working on it before you get married yeah or if you notice something early in the marriage, start working on. Don't wait till you get mad. And there's this big blow up to address it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, address it now, while you so madly in love yes, and you can do it in a healthy way and say hey, you know, I don't really like when you do that or that's kind of annoying. I still love you. I just noticed that you do this. Is there a way we can adjust around that and you can do it before it gets to the point where you endure it? And then you get into the marriage and you're trying to just take it and all of a sudden boom or you try and change them right, or you try to change that person, yeah yeah, so that's good.
Speaker 1:So another thing we learned is you can't read each other's mind. That's a good one, because when, when we got married, I just expected you to know certain things oh my god, you should know this.
Speaker 1:You know and um, and that was putting a lot of pressure and, I think, unexpected expectations on you, but you felt like I felt like you. Well, you know you should know what I like. You should know that I want to go out to on a date. You should know. You know how I'm feeling. You should know to go buy me something, bring it home, make me feel special, like all of that stuff. In my mind. I'm internalizing this thing and I'm like he should know all this you should know.
Speaker 2:I'm a woman be romantic right, but really, you know what it goes to. Sometimes we get comfortable as men and it's like I got you now. So all of what you saying I should know and I don't. I don't know that you itching for a date night. I don't know that you want to go out. I don't know. You just want to spend time, yeah, or that you want me to think about you when I'm out and get a a nice gift, or not, something expensive, you know, but just something that says I'm thinking of you.
Speaker 2:Um, didn't know it, had to learn it. Then you know, finally I would come to you, are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay, okay, you know, I took it as face value. You say you okay, you must be okay, not really understanding no, you're not okay. And that's where you had to express exactly and share. Hey, this is how I'm feeling. This is what I'm thinking yeah, this is what I need from you. You have to communicate as a couple.
Speaker 1:And I had to not expect you to read my mind and know everything, because you don't know how I'm feeling, you don't know what I'm thinking, and so with that I had to calm down. I'm like, ok, let me go and talk to him and tell him Like I just feel, like I think one one time I was like I just feel like we roommates you know what I'm saying, so I expected you to see it and know it. But you like what you talking about and I'm like, well, we just going through life, we don't date, we don't go out to eat, we don't. We just don't spend, we're not spending any time together.
Speaker 1:And so you can get into that routine as a couple, and I'm feeling like you should know it and see it, and you just going on like you, you don't notice nothing.
Speaker 2:yeah, and, and we as men, we don't get it and we need that. I can remember even more harshly you saying to me like you know, I feel like you don't really pay attention to me until you want to get in the bed. Oh, you know, like that's all you want, you know. But I think a lot of men I'm saying that for this, for the sake of a lot of men who may be hearing that from their spouse and trying to figure out like what are you talking about? Like yes, this is a part of marriage, yes, it's the part I'm thinking about and all that other stuff you thinking about. You need to vocalize that yeah to me.
Speaker 2:So I know that those are concerns, because no man wants his wife to feel that way if he really loves her yeah but we don't know. Y'all feel that way because we think y'all want what we want.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we don't not all. Well, you know, you got some that are kind of, but a majority of women.
Speaker 2:It's not. The man is typically going to be the driver yeah in that area of it. When it comes to sexual intimacy, it's going to be the man most of the time in our experience, but but for women they want something beyond that the intimacy, the, the non-sexual touch the time together and sometimes you have to express that you can't expect them to know, you can't expect him to know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, because he in his mind hey, I want you, you want me, let's do it like we married, we in this thing. Right, let's go and it's not that they don't want to, and you, hey, you're a woman, you can speak to this, but it's just.
Speaker 1:There are other pieces that go around that yeah, yeah it's the dating, it's the communication it's the connection it's that's what we want. We want to feel like we're connected to you before all of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we could do it I'll even give them this right here. This is a gold nugget form, for we teach this to some of the couples when we take them through um, their their marital training course, um, and we teach them that about love between a man and woman. It shows up different.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Men feel love through sex. Right, Come on. This is going to help some people for real. Men feel love through sex. Women don't have sex because they feel love. Yeah right so when a man wants love, he wants that expression of sex. When a woman feels in love, then she's willing to have sex. It's not the other way around, and that's why men and women are so different and you have to find that balance. So a man's response, a husband's responsibility is to make sure your wife feels love.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly Because her feeling of love will cause her to freely give of herself to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but for a man he'll. He don't need none of that.
Speaker 2:In the moment he will feel love. So I'm telling you that'll help a lot of couples. If they can find the balance of that and understand how to manage those expressions and expectations, it will help them in that area.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good. So something else we learned is fight.
Speaker 2:Let me say this because it's good too to know this that in the marriage, if you feel something, say something, because you shouldn't wait for your spouse to crack the code on your emotions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good, right, don't try to figure me out. Yeah, yeah, you should notice. Figure it out. Look, look, listen to my body language. You see something off. You know, sometimes they don't realize things are off right they just feel like everything's fine absolutely okay.
Speaker 2:Come on, let's go. I wanted to make sure we say that yeah that was good.
Speaker 1:So the next thing we learned was fights aren't about winning. That's a good one. That is a good one. That's you all day.
Speaker 2:Because when we got married and we I mean you know you don't get married to argue, I was hoping we never have arguments.
Speaker 1:but we did, but disagreements happen.
Speaker 2:Do you have disagreements and they happen over and over again. You don't just have one. No, you know we don't just have one, you have several, you have many through the course of the, the marriage. As long as you're together and you're growing and you're changing, you're dealing with life you're going to disagree right, because you're not going to be the same people and you're not going to deal with the same issues. But with that, you have to understand that these disagreements are not, as you said, they're not about winning, which for me, they were one time it was about winning.
Speaker 2:It was about me being right and you seeing it my way and I was wrong and we're gonna stay in this until you see it my way and for me, it wasn't necessarily you was wrong. It was just that you have to see that I was righter than you. I was more right than you were. That was a trying time.
Speaker 2:Let me tell you and so so we had to kind of navigate through that. But I didn't realize, um, that in winning per se winning the, the argument or the disagreement every time I won I was losing you to a certain extent.
Speaker 1:Yeah it's pushing me further and further away. Yeah, and it and it made me not want to be able to talk to you about certain things, because I'm like, okay, if I come to him, he's not gonna number one, he's not gonna hear anything that I'm saying and he's not going to. Um, he's not going to number one, he's not going to hear anything that I'm saying and he's not going to, he's not going to change, and it's always, he's right, I'm wrong, and so it kind of pushed me away. So when I did have things that I need to come to you about, I didn't, because I'm like, what's the use? What am I going to come? Why he's always going to shut me down. It's always going to be his way, he's going to you know, and so I just felt like I just kind of held stuff in, I just stopped talking.
Speaker 1:And so it just kind of pushed me away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and when I began to notice that and when I began to learn some things just by studying marriage and that was another thing that really helped me, that and we can add this this is not on the list, but we can add this to the list. You this is not on the list, but we can add this to the list. You need to invest in your marriage yeah, I did.
Speaker 2:We didn't know that we needed to invest. We need to learn about marriage. We need to learn what it meant to be. Marriage following the example of our parents, whether good or bad, was not the way to go, you know, even if we took all their good traits in marriage. It still was not, it still wouldn't serve our marriage yeah, because we're not them.
Speaker 2:We're not them, we're different we had to learn the principles of marriage. We had to learn why marriage matters and what our roles were yeah, what the word says, about what the word says we had to get other resources, other books that could help us, wisdom from other couples who had learned and grown through it. Uh, other podcasts, like we're doing now for couples. They can listen to our podcast and learn from us. This is an investment in your marriage, your relationship or your future relationship. And we didn't know that.
Speaker 2:We didn't know, we knew, we thought we were going to go through premarital counseling, graduate from premarital counseling and we're ready to go have a great marriage and we found out real fast that, even with all the tools, you still have to learn how to implement and work through your some of your own baggage or it won't matter because I've learned people have the tools but they don't use them yep and so that that is a recipe for disaster you know what to do and you don't do it.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's not good all right, so we threw another one in there, but let me let's finish the one. We were on okay with with. Fights aren't about winning uh, it's really more so. Fights are about coming to a place of understanding. It's not about winning. And when you come to an argument with a scoreboard and you know, I was an athlete, so everything is about a score, you know who it was winning you who gonna win. You know whoever got the most wins?
Speaker 2:is the winner yeah, but in a relationship. That's not what it's about. It's not about winning. If you win in an argument, you've probably lost yeah. And that's the thing I had to learn.
Speaker 1:So you were winning, but you were losing. I was winning the arguments, but you were really losing.
Speaker 2:I was walking away with the victory, but you was losing in the marriage. I began to notice after a period of time, like you said, the withdrawing the. It was really a disconnection that was beginning to take place because you were disconnecting your heart from me, because you didn't feel heard, you didn't feel loved, you didn't feel valued, because it was always I'm right, you're wrong. Let me shut you down when we have a disagreement and you just get on board with me yeah, yeah and it just that's not marriage that's not a partnership.
Speaker 2:It's not yeah so that's, that's, that's a good thing. So we don't fight. Here's the key. We don't fight to win yeah if we're gonna fight, we're gonna fight to fix it. Yeah, exactly, we're gonna fight together to make it right to make it work, not to fight each other.
Speaker 1:Gain an understanding and then work together. Yes, that's good, all right. So something else we learned was marriage takes work, even when it's good.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, even when it's good, hey, it still takes work even when it's good because you can get married and you think we love each other yeah this is gonna be great because we love each other. It's gonna be wonderful we're going to just get married and, hey, we're having a great time together yeah boom, let's, let's just keep this train rolling. But what happens when you hit a bump in the road?
Speaker 1:yeah, because it's coming it's coming even in a good marriage you're going because you guys are still working on to becoming one and you're changing. You know, if you've been married for a couple years, uh, things change, you change, you know. So everything changes. And so just because it's good now, like you said, what happens later on when things happen?
Speaker 2:yeah, and life is going to hit. Yeah, it can be. The marriage can be good and like it could be, something as simple as it's not bad. But life may get busy and so, with the business of life, you stop dating, yeah, you stop showing love you stop showing concern kids come along you get wrapped up in the children and you forget to give attention to the marriage, like all of that, and it's stuff that creeps in so subtle and you don't even notice it until one day you look up and you realize we're different.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We don't operate like we used to that closeness, that connection isn't there. What's going on? And so you have to give maintenance, you have to have a maintenance plan for your marriage.
Speaker 2:That closeness, that connection isn't there, what's going on? And so you have to give maintenance, you have to have a maintenance plan for your marriage. Yeah, that's good. And it's just like with a vehicle, right? You don't wait till your vehicle breaks down to say, oh, I should get an oil change. You know, by that time the motor has froze up, it's gone, you done ruined it. Now you need a new vehicle. And that's what a lot of couples do. They don't know any better. They get to running with life, and in our case, it's very easy to get to running with ministry.
Speaker 2:Because ministry can be all-consuming. I mean it can consume your life if you're not careful and having a spouse and a family while being married.
Speaker 2:If you're not careful and having a spouse and a family while being married. You have to be very careful that you don't lose yourself or lose your family in ministry, yeah, but but you have to have those maintenance pieces in the marriage where you kind of unplug and spend time with your family, spend time with your, with your wife, even now, with, even with our youngest son, just with us, with the walks that we do, walking with him has been so nice.
Speaker 2:That's just time, Because he's in school, he does school work, we're doing ministry stuff, but that's our time. That's not about ministry. That's not necessarily about school, although we do study our flashcards sometimes while we're walking. It's really about it's us yeah and I can tell he really enjoys that time because it's just about him and us, right, right. And so you have to have those maintenance pieces in for family and for the marriage, um, that help keep it strong yeah, that's good so.
Speaker 2:So, even though it's good, don't forget, you still have to give attention and put in the work to keep it good so something else we learned was friendship matters more than you think I love that and when I read that, I think, when I hear that, I think about, uh, the question we were asked in counseling, in our marriage counseling, that that question really sticks out. Um that when, um, pastor harris at true light, church of god in christ, when he, when he uh was counseling us through our marriage, uh course, and we were, we went in there and we were so in love and we just knew that we was ready to be married because we loved each other. You know, I think he asked us do y'all love each other? You know, are you in love? And how do you know you love each other? We had all the right answers, we feel like, because all about love.
Speaker 2:And then he asked us a question that made both of us pause, because we never thought about it he said all right, y'all love each other. That's good. He said do you like each other? And I think we both paused and looked at each other it was like what does like have to do with marriage. But we found out like has a lot to do with it because you might be crazy in love. But what do you do when?
Speaker 2:you don't feel the love when you don't feel the love, because love is not really a feeling, right? Love is one of those things where you back up and you're like wait a minute those days that come where hey, feeling so in love with you, um, but if I like you yeah, we're gonna be all right, I still like you even when I'm not feeling you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's it right there, because you fall in out of love right all the time well, I won't say you fall in, I love you, just don't would you say you know, yeah, you know it's hard to express that's why it feels like you fall in out of love, but I think it's the you don't feel.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know it's hard to express. That's why it feels like you fall in out of love, but I think it's the you don't feel yeah you don't feel in love.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you still love them, yeah, but you just don't feel. Because somebody asked one time about y'all still got butterflies and we like, we feel butterflies but I guess that's you know, that's how they, they, that's what they think, like you know, since you love somebody, you, you're married, that you just got these butterflies all the time. That's like you know, when you're newly dating, newly married you know all of that, but you still love them, and every now and then you get the butterflies back every now and then.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know you're going to date night you have a good conversation, you connect, you feel out Okay, this feels good. You know, people just have to remember romance won't get you through everything, that's right. But when you like each other and your friends that will get you through some of the hard times of the marriage or the relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, being friends is really really important, because you you can open up, you know you trust more and, um, I just I, I like that part of it. I feel like you should always try to be friends first and then everything else flows from that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think when people think about friendship um, last point on this they should laugh together, talk, have great conversations together, enjoy one another's company and make those things a priority. And I think if they do that, the love is going to always be there and the likability, or I should say the friendship, needs to be maintained as well, and it'll get you through all of the phases of that relationship with the help of God.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And another thing we learned was money will expose your differences. Yeah, money will expose how you differ Money will expose a lot.
Speaker 2:You'll know who's the spender, who's the saver. We learned that early on, yeah, so.
Speaker 1:I was trying to be the saver, savior, and you were trying to be the. You were the spender back then. Yeah, I mean hey, you was this the spender, slash risk taker yeah, yeah, I would take risk. I wasn't crazy but I would trust stuff, I would invest in things I would.
Speaker 2:I would do things. You know, that was just a part of, but I think you were more. Let's play it safe yeah let's keep it safe, and I think that's just part of being a woman wanting security. Yeah, let's make sure we don. I think that's just part of being a woman wanting security yeah, let's make sure we don't put any our quality of life at risk, right, and so I get that, and that's once we learn to balance those two things so we can have things, but we need to balance um things at the same time exactly, so that was good
Speaker 1:yeah, I think we learned that, um, but I think it's changed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, we found the balance, yeah we found the balance of, so now we use each other's strengths when it comes to money, and it helps us to stay in a secure place while at the same time not limiting our life from doing things that we want to do or, you know, trying things. So it's good, and I think with this, couples just have to talk about money yeah we talked about it.
Speaker 1:You know we didn't always agree at paying the bills. Who's better at this, who's better at that, who should do this, and it worked out once we start putting those things in place. But in in the beginning it was kind of all over the place.
Speaker 2:The key is remembering. Avoiding doesn't make it go away no don't avoid money problems. Talk about, talk about them, that's good, the next thing is.
Speaker 1:Well, I'll say the next thing we learn you marry, this is not an all-inclusive.
Speaker 2:It's so much more than we could discuss.
Speaker 1:Yeah and so one of the things we learned was you marry the family too. So you, you got all my folks hey it.
Speaker 2:We're both affected by our each other's families. Yeah, it plays a role.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so coming into this, you didn't think that you was like I'm just marrying you just I'm married, yeah but you didn't realize you were getting me and and all these other folks, the parents, the siblings, the, the cousins yeah.
Speaker 2:Look, I adopted the grandparents. I'll take them too. You get all of them, because those people matter to you. Those people are important to you and if I'm marrying you and they're important to you, you don't cut them off.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:When we get married. That's not how marriage and family is coming together.
Speaker 1:That's not how it works. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And same with me.
Speaker 1:You got my family. Hey, I'm okay with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You got all of what you can say, all of whoever they are.
Speaker 2:I got all of whoever you have, it's a part of it. So I think it's important for couples to meet the other partner's family.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:So you know what you're getting into now, you should not let the family. They need to know their role, yeah, and as a spouse, you need to know what the boundary of their role and influence is in the marriage yeah, otherwise it can be detrimental to the marriage but understand that whatever goes on with that family is going to affect your spouse exactly, and you got to be prepared to walk through that with them.
Speaker 2:Uh, even to the point that, what? What does it look like? We don't have to go into detail about it, but what does it look like if that, if your partner spouse of? So it's sorry, if your spouse's family needs help and your spouse is able to help them, are you supportive or are you?
Speaker 1:no, that's, that's your problem, that's their problem I mean that's going to create tension in your family yeah, now you need boundaries you need boundaries. I was getting ready to say that you need boundaries.
Speaker 2:You need to know to what extent you can help, but you also need to need to be aware of the help you're willing to give and how supportive your spouse is going to be with you yeah yeah it's kind of like if if something happened with my mother and she needed to come live with me.
Speaker 1:Well, I can't be like she ain't coming to live with us. You know I can't do that.
Speaker 2:I mean you can, but I'll be like, I'm like what, what you, what you, what you mean where's?
Speaker 2:she gonna go I got, I got a room for what you mean? She can't go, it's gonna create tension. Yeah, right now, even if it's temporary, you know, while we work on some of the adjustments, as a parent my parents she shouldn't have to look. She shouldn't have to be concerned about where she's gonna sleep. If something happens with her situation, right same with you. If something happens with your mother situation, she shouldn't have to wonder yeah, if she has somewhere to go right you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:That's just, though, but those are things that need to be discussed. They need to be discussed beforehand.
Speaker 1:Um, because that's things that you don't think about, right, you don't think we don't think about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, but you don't realize that what life happens, life happens and there are people, if god blesses us, there are people who may need us for a temporary period of time. Hopefully it's just temporary, right, you know? But what about when you have elderly parents? Yeah, and they need to be taken care of if they're not financially prepared to have a caregiver. Sometimes the children become the caregiver.
Speaker 1:So what does that look like?
Speaker 2:that look like in a marriage I'm telling these are things that they have considered because you don't, you get the family. Yeah, you're committed to that marriage life. Different aspects of life are going to show up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and those are things that we normally don't think about yeah and when you, when you're talking about I'm about to get married. You know you're so excited that you got to get about to get married. But those things come up later on and you'll be like wow, I ain't think about none of this. So some things that we should have thought about, you know um early on that we didn't consider. I don't think we considered that no, we didn't.
Speaker 2:It just started happening in our marriage.
Speaker 1:You know, somebody needs to come stay, somebody need this, somebody need that, and so we're trying to figure out how to navigate those things now within the marriage yeah, so I think it's.
Speaker 2:It's a discussion needs to be, needs to be.
Speaker 1:We need to put that in the marriage counselor. Yeah, yeah, I think it may come up.
Speaker 2:Set healthy expectations, have healthy boundaries and just talk. And work through it before it happens. So when it happens you have a plan.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good. I like that, alright.
Speaker 2:The only thing I always say you know what I think is keep family out of your marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:The family's a part. You come together, but don't let them come in and start influencing and controlling. And if I was you, I do and I wouldn't take this yeah, no, no.
Speaker 1:We're talking about helping the family yes, if they need help, yes, but we're not talking about just just them being apart, just knowing what you have to deal with.
Speaker 2:You got a crazy uncle. I mean, you just got a crazy uncle, so we at the family reunion I gotta understand there's a crazy uncle to be dealt with yeah, you see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:If I got a, crazy aunt.
Speaker 2:Hey, you got as a crazy aunt to be dealt with. Dealt with, you know, and we have to learn how to navigate those different relationships. So it won't all be about assisting, sometimes it'll just be about the dynamics oh, yeah, what goes into yeah being with the family uh-huh, different family dynamics.
Speaker 1:I think you had to learn that, you know. Yeah, yeah, I think we both did, you know different family dynamics play a huge role uh, siblings, yeah, siblings have an impact.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all of that is a part of it yeah, but it was in good it was good. It's been good for us yeah, it's been good wait, we learned a lot, we did, we had to. We had to learn through this so we didn't, we didn't come into this with all this stuff and, like I said, these are things we wish we knew before coming in. Yes to the marriage, but hey, we know now we know now god is giving us the ability to handle it now our job is to help others help others.
Speaker 2:So while you in love talking about I'm so ready to get married, here are a few things to consider before you say I do jump in there. Yes, just consider just consider and have conversations. If you're engaged, have those conversations and be ready to work through any differences that you all may have.
Speaker 1:Like I said, this is not an all-inclusive list.
Speaker 2:It's so much more that we could talk about that we wish we would have known, but these are just a few things to consider as you prepare to go into it, or if you're already in a relationship to reflect on. Yeah, it would have been nice yeah, had I known this.
Speaker 1:I think I've said that before.
Speaker 2:Wish I would have known sound good, well, listen, thank y'all for joining us. Been a great time sharing with you. I hope this was helpful to you. If you think it'll be helpful to someone you know, share it with them. Don't forget to like and subscribe to our channel and, uh, never miss an episode that we sharing. We're doing it with the Daniels. Can't wait to see you to next time. Take care, and God bless you. Hey, thank you for joining us, for doing it with the Daniels. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. We'll see you next time.