Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
Welcome to ‘Doing It With The Daniels’! This is where we show couples how to GET-IT-ON in life, marriage, AND ministry! 🚀
Doing It With The Daniels Podcast
How to Fight Fair
Charles and Tesa Daniels offer practical guidance on navigating disagreements in marriage without causing lasting damage to your relationship. They share personal experiences and biblical wisdom on how to fight fair while maintaining connection and respect.
• Stop trying to win arguments and focus instead on understanding your spouse
• Words can't be unsaid, so be careful with what you say during disagreements
• Learn to recognize when emotions are running high and take a peaceful pause
• Consider timing and your spouse's headspace before bringing up difficult topics
• Prayer changes how you approach conflict by softening your heart first
• The goal isn't to be right but to preserve connection and unity in your marriage
• Learn to discern between what needs to be said and what should be withheld
• Fighting fair requires respecting your spouse as much as you would others in your life
• Recognize when the enemy might be trying to disrupt your unity through conflict
Remember that disagreements are normal in every relationship, but maintaining love and connection matters more than making your point or being right.
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even the questions you mentioned of evaluating. Would I say this to a friend would I say this to a co-worker would. I say this to my supervisor. You know, we talked about that before. Would I? Would I talk to my supervisor like this? Would I talk to somebody else like this, then why, when I get home, do I drop my guard and just say whatever to my spouse the person that God has ordained for me to be with, to do life with, to build, build something with.
Speaker 1:Why would I do that? Welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, the podcast where we navigate life, marriage and ministry. I'm Charles.
Speaker 2:And I'm Tisa.
Speaker 1:Join us as we share insights, wisdom and practical advice to strengthen your marriage, empower your life and enrich your ministry. Let's dive in together and discover the joys of doing it with the Daniels. Hey, welcome to Doing it With the Daniels, where we help couples get it on in life, marriage and ministry. So glad to have you back with us today. What's up, baby? How you doing? You doing all right?
Speaker 2:I'm good, how are?
Speaker 1:you, you look good oh we're good.
Speaker 2:I feel a little tired.
Speaker 1:I appreciate that. That's all right. We've been busy.
Speaker 2:Well, you look good too. Come on, you like me, you're so crazy? You like me, don't, you I do.
Speaker 1:Come on, that's what's up. I like you too. Oh, you're so sweet, you want to go out later, yeah.
Speaker 2:You got to do what I want to do though.
Speaker 1:I've been doing that.
Speaker 2:20 years money, oh jesus. All right, come on, come on, let's, let's get going. What are we talking about today? Today, we are talking about how to fight fair without destroying your marriage how to fight fair without destroying marriage.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's awesome. Listen. I want to. I want to take a minute before we jump into this, this show, and just thank all of our viewers. Thank y'all for watching.
Speaker 1:Thank y'all for participating. Uh, make sure, if this, if you're new to this podcast or somebody shared with you, make sure you like and subscribe and turn your notifications on so you always get updated when doing it with the daniels releases a new episode. We try to release a new episode every thursday and we want you to join in. All right, this is going to help you help your marriage, help relationship if you're single. Thank you for the singles that have reached out to us and told us that this, this podcast, has been beneficial to you. Uh, we will continue to give as much as we can so you can grow and get ready for your married life, if that's what you want, right yes all right, let's jump in.
Speaker 1:I just wanted to say, I just felt led to say that you know people watch and they come in and let us know they view us and man, that's, that means a lot yeah it does means a lot. I appreciate that, all right. Well, let's get rolling what we got here. So we're talking about how to fight fear that's a big deal, because you know it or how to disagree. How to disagree? Yeah, you can, and, and every couple is going to have disagreement, it's good can't use the word fight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're not really fighting yeah you're just having disagreements within, within the relationship, and and you're going to have that it it often starts out like with something seemingly small, a little thing that you're talking about, that then erupts yeah it starts out really small.
Speaker 2:You think about something like when you're when you're arguing, it's something small, but then something bigger comes out down the line because it it brings up other things you know from the past that you're not even expecting. So it's always those little things. Then it ends up to be something big. That goes on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, emotion starts running high. And then the next thing, you know, you reaching way back, pulling out something, saying stuff that you never intended to say. Didn't even know that the conversation was going to go there yeah but now you off in this whole situation and what ends up happening is that we flip from discussing whatever that small thing was to it blows up to now.
Speaker 2:I got to prove to you that I'm right right, right, and I think the the thing is sometimes we make the argument about winning yes and not about understanding our spouse yes, so when? We make it about winning, then we're losing something bigger yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think the main point right here is first point they should really grab is stop trying to win, and I feel like we've said that before different things, but I think it's worth reiterating over and over again, because it's easy to go back to, to that winning mentality I want to win, I want to dominate, I want to say what I want to say and I feel like you should listen to hear me yeah, I think you have to be intentional yeah you know with your, when you um argue or disagree, that you don't so focus so much on winning, and it takes time.
Speaker 2:So that's why it needs to be reiterated over and over again, because you know, even for you, you didn't just stop.
Speaker 1:You know winning the arguments y'all gotta throw me out it took.
Speaker 2:It took a little time for you to practice that and work on um not winning and actually listening to me, listening to what I was saying and not having your, your, all your facts, you know, laid out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I find that that when you said facts having to learn how to navigate between facts or being right and really respecting your feelings in the process- respecting your feelings.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in the process. Yeah, I'll for you. I was back then.
Speaker 2:I would say marriage is not a debate club, mr Daniels because I felt like, after so much of us when we were disagreeing, I feel like I was in a debate, you know, with you and I was like, okay, so what I'm saying doesn't matter, my feelings don't matter. Um, it was just like we're just going back and forth just debating with each other and really not listening to what I was saying, and so I just felt unheard and felt like you know, what I'm saying is not valid and it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I just didn't know that being I'm just going to say it being insensitive to how it made you feel in those moments, you know, just not really caring, caring more about being right, getting my point across and and you just kind of agreeing with me. And it wasn't until you agreed with me or just didn't want to have a conversation anymore that I was like, okay, well, it's over, I won. You know, you realize that whatever you was talking about wasn't about anything and what I was saying is what matters, and you just decided to let it go, but not knowing that that it was doing more damage to your emotions or your feelings, even towards me yeah, I wish you would have listened what we just started thinking about.
Speaker 2:How do I prove my point? Like, stop, don't. Don't think about how to prove your point, but just really just listen to what I had to say. Yeah, in that in those moments and I didn't feel like I didn't feel like what I was saying was valid, I didn't feel like you cared it. Just it was just kind of insensitive. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, it's like I, I'm right, and it is what it is. And so in those moments, you know, and I think that's when some couples go to the shutdown, or the other spouse they will go to a shutdown moment and they just they don't know what to say, they don't know how to communicate because they don't. They feel so unheard.
Speaker 1:And that's why a lot of people do that. Absolutely, I totally agree. I think one of the biggest issues navigating into kind of what you're saying is is is when you when you I guess I'll make the point like this when you are trying to win, being unheard becomes an issue right? So now you put your spouse and your partner in a position where they have to fight two battles right yeah.
Speaker 1:So what are those two battles? You know that you feel like, when you're navigating through, that I'll just say when you're navigating through, you have to fight those two battles.
Speaker 1:You have to fight for the issue at hand whatever the debate, whatever the disagreement was about, and now also, you had to fight to be heard. Yeah, because me putting facts out there or put trying to prove my point was overriding anything you were feeling or anything you were saying, yeah, so now the issue is the issue and I've created another issue in how you feel, right, and now you're fighting for me to listen and understand, like you mentioned earlier understand what you're feeling and how you feel about the thing, and I've learned that in the course of our marriage, being married to you a lot of things have been about me having to understand how you feel about it.
Speaker 1:It's not always about the facts and the rationale because men are logical thinkers, what makes sense?
Speaker 2:sense, you come to the table with the facts. These are the facts, this is this and this is that, and I'm like, but listen to what I'm saying you know the facts are the facts, but what I feel is something totally different yeah, yeah, I remember when I put us on that tight budget. If the facts, the numbers made sense, the the budget made sense, everything made sense, but you didn't think about me in that moment.
Speaker 1:As a woman. I did not, and how you would feel living in such tight constraints. Although it was a good thing and it was us getting out of debt, it still was tight, very tight, and as a woman I had to realize, wait, my wife need her hair done, she need her nails, she needs to be able to go shopping sometimes and you just have to learn and realize, hey, you can't be so tight. So I had to give a little bit.
Speaker 1:I had to extend and be like well, our debt payoff plan will extend out a little bit and it's okay if my wife is in a good place and I'm showing her that I value her feelings and her thoughts about this process now I can.
Speaker 2:You know I could do without the nails, but the hair I was like you had to sacrifice. I could sacrifice some, some things, but you know um, but you, you didn't consider. I had to sacrifice on this tight, strict budget and I was like who can breathe? I can't do nothing. But but that was a growing time for us. You know we got pictures and memories from you rolling my hair and all of that. So you know, some good things came out of it. But I think we learned in that moment doing that process too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And and I mean even navigating through these disagreements, these arguments or whatever um, once it gets heated it it can become really, really challenging, because everybody's not like this. Some people are. I think I don't, I think I have a grasp, I think you, a little bit more so, can get to. Some stuff will fly out who you know, you start taking shots yeah, and you best around. Say something like it goes to uh, you always do. It's like wait a minute, we're talking about this one yeah how do we get to you?
Speaker 1:always and you, and then you know you start accusing your spouse you just don't care, are you just? And now you start to put words out there yeah that start to wound your partner. So I think the next point um is is is kind of fits in line with what would you say?
Speaker 2:words can't be unsaid words can't be unsaid so when we argue, our words carry weight and I can swing uh with my words and I swing carelessly with my words. I would say that I think we all do at times.
Speaker 2:I was bad, because I think that's what I always use was words you know, and um, and I was swinging with my words. I think I did it before once, before a couple times, but I think I said one thing that really still sticks with you and I hate I ever said a few things that stick with me. I only remember one, but I remember yeah, I know you remember, and that's why you can't be careless with your words, because, even though you forgive me, you don't forget.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so and I know you forgive me, you don't hold that over me, over my head or anything like that, but there's sometimes when you will bring it up, just in plan you know, but you remember yeah and you let me know you remember yeah, but like you say, we're playing about it, we're laughing about it yeah but the reality is that those words are years old, yes, but you can't take them back but you still feel the weight of it well, I wouldn't say that when you, when, when you forgive, I will say they were weighty in the moment, but but you know, years later you forgive and you let things go, you don't feel the impact of it, yeah, but you just remember that it was said to you and the way it was said, uh, and I think that's that's something that we have to recognize, that man, before I say this, do I want this to stick to my spouse?
Speaker 1:yeah you know what's going to be the outcome of this relationship when I say this yeah, because that's a wound. Yes, there, yeah yeah, you want them like you didn't swing with your fist, but and it's, it's what we call verbal abuse. You can be verbally abusive, was that verbally unintentionally, but I think, I think we all can be yeah verbally abusive, but it's not intentional right it's just that we're not careful with our words and we don't know how our words impact our spouse. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And make them feel in that moment. Yeah, and sometimes you got to be careful. I remember we were talking to a couple recently and the wife mentioned how, when she didn't feel like she was getting through to her husband, she would say things to get him up off her. So, basically because she couldn't win in the argument or navigate the the disagreement with him, she started using her words in order to push him back so she started hitting him in a way that said, hey, I'm tired of this.
Speaker 2:I'm tired of talking to you. We ain't getting nowhere.
Speaker 1:So let me get you on up off me where I either get you riled up and you leave me alone, or whatever. But it was hurtful things, it was harmful things, but she was using it to protect herself exactly, and that's where you can get into that fight. You know, and you got to learn how to fight fair. You got to learn how to disagree but don't damage right, that's in the process.
Speaker 2:I had to learn. I think for me, I had to learn, learn how to. I had to learn how to speak. Before I speak, I had to think about what I was getting ready to say, and then how would that impact you? So if I wouldn't say this to my brother, my mom or my friend or somebody else, why would I say this to my spouse? And so I had to learn how to slow down, think and calm down, and then even pray and ask God, because you know, you feel all this stuff, and so what I was feeling probably was valid, but I didn't need to, you know, lash out of my feelings and I need to calm down in that moment and say, okay, hold on. How can I say this to him where he will understand what I'm coming from without, you know, going another way, taking this to another place?
Speaker 1:I think that's really good, Even the questions you mentioned of evaluating. Would I say this to a friend Would, I say this to a coworker Would. I say this to my supervisor. You know, we talked about that before. Would I? Would I talk to my supervisor like this? Would I talk to somebody else like this? Then why, when I get home, do I drop my guard and just say whatever to my spouse the person that God has ordained me to be with, to do life with, to build something with.
Speaker 1:Why would I do that? Like it makes no sense? But we often don't think of it that way. We think of it as well hey, we in a disagreement. But we often don't think of it that way. We think of it as well hey, we in a disagreement, hey, you can get it. And some people got to let go of this whole mentality of you just fly off to handle it whatever.
Speaker 1:You got to have more respect for yourself and for the person you say you love and you're in covenant with for the rest of your life that you don't handle them that way. Right? Because, like you said earlier, those are wounds and those wounds can last a lifetime yeah. Yeah, and so you got to really be careful with that, and so with that, I think it leads to our next point of understanding the right time and the right place to say what you need to say yeah, and I would say that it never needs to happen immediately.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't say never.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think we have to be good judges? Well, I guess it depends on the person. Yeah, I think it's the person and the situation right, because some situations are very heated and they need to be discussed.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, yeah, definitely Some stuff get. I think it's immediate. Well, yeah, yeah, definitely Some stuff get. I think it's immediate. There's an immediate nature to it If it's a decision that y'all disagree on it comes down to something like that but sometimes, when it gets to the nitpicking about our spouse, um, and it starts to spiral out. I think that's when you really got to be careful about timing yeah like some stuff.
Speaker 1:Oh, we do need to talk about this now. It's a time constraint on it or it's important, right, it needs to happen immediately. Then there are some things that we gotta. Had this conversation when you said that, I think about us early on in ministry and we didn't understand the strategies of the enemy and how he would attack us on.
Speaker 2:Saturdays, saturday morning, just all day Saturday, and sometimes Saturday Sunday mornings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we didn't understand how he would do that in order to get us off, so that we are not unified going into Sunday, sunday worship. So we trying to worship but we are not together, right, and and he did it through a disagreement and it was often something small, something minor, but once we learned the strategy, how the enemy tries to do that to get couples off, we understood, okay, that's when we learned to table stuff, because I think for us we just when it happened, we were going into it immediately. But when we learned that we said no, let's table that. Whatever our disagreement is, whatever's going on with us, we're going to table it and we'll talk about it tomorrow after church. So we didn't let it blow, we called it early, we didn't even let it blow up to anything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think a pause helps. It helps you not to say something that will damage your relationship. You'll take things you know to a place that you're really not trying to go.
Speaker 1:So it's.
Speaker 2:OK to pause, but you got to know how to pause. Sometimes you know people pause and they don't talk to each other. Or you know all this tension is in the room and you know you slam and stuff and you know all of this you don't want to be in the same room together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's not a healthy pause like you need to be able to pause and still talk to each other you need to be able to pause and still take care of the things that you need to take care of and do the things that you need to do. And knowing we got this issue but we're gonna put it on the back, we're gonna put it up, we're gonna put it aside, but we still gotta function, we still gotta talk, we still gotta you know, if you got kids, you still gotta take care of your kids. You know you gotta do all that, so you gotta know how to pause yeah, I think, um, we, we learn how to pause.
Speaker 1:I think at first some of our pauses were not good. We ain't talking cabinet slamming doors.
Speaker 2:I don't want to be around you. I'm looking at you, I'm rolling my eyes, like all of that craziness.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we had to learn how to pause and I think we're healthier and we're better now. Yes, we can pause. I think about a few weeks back we had a disagreement, something I said to you about the way I thought you felt, but you said you didn't feel that way and and you kind of pause the conversation. But everything was still peaceful. It was a peaceful pause. Maybe we should add that a peaceful pause. Yes, we pause and we kind of put it aside because we was like we're not agreeing, we're not, you're not.
Speaker 1:I wasn't you yeah, in that moment and we paused it, and I think it was a couple of days later we came back and you said okay, let's talk about this. What did you? What did you think I was trying to express?
Speaker 1:right right and I said what I thought you were trying to explain. You said no, that's not what I'm trying to express. And in that moment, because we weren't in the heat of the conversation, I said, okay, explain to me, help me understand what you were trying to express, because my mind was already made up and that's what you said to me. You said I couldn't talk to you earlier a few days ago because your mind was already made up about what you thought about it, so I could not get through. But you recognized that and you said this is not the right time. This is not time for me to try to make my point Right, because sometimes we try to like. For me, we state the facts over and over, trying to make our point, but for women, women tend to get loud, as if getting loud means I hear you.
Speaker 2:That tunes y'all out even more. You like I really don't hear you now Right, but yeah. I just had to in that moment. Just okay, let him, let me let him think this, but this is not it. So I'll just come back later and say, oh, remember this. Then I'll just kind of say that this is what it was, and you know I don't know why you accepted it then, but you didn't accept it the first time well, I think, I think I gotten out of my own way okay in my thinking, like my mind was already on this how you think this, how you feel this is what it is.
Speaker 1:But after that we went back into it in a different space. Yeah, I had stepped back and said, well, let me listen, let me hear her out, yeah, and see if what I'm thinking is right. Right, so, so I gave you opportunity to say something different, or say the same thing.
Speaker 1:I already believed a different way right and then I was gonna be like, hey, you said the same thing that I was thinking, but it wasn't, it was different, and I got that understanding right, yeah, it was good. Yeah, it was good and so that's, that's what's necessary times.
Speaker 1:We have to know when yeah when to say what we need to say, depending on what it is and what's going on in the moment, and then then too, like our situation. What type of headspace is your spouse in? What time of day is you know? Like, if you wake me up at six o'clock in the morning talking about you, I got a bone to pick with you. That's not gonna go well, right? Just like if I. If I wake you up at midnight or I say, look, we need to talk about this, it's not going to go well.
Speaker 1:No not waking me up, right so so the right time plays a major role. Yeah, it does. Yeah, so. So All right. So let's jump to this last point. We'll give them.
Speaker 2:I think it was really good, and probably a lot of people don't even think about this. But that is that you need to pray before you speak. Yeah, I think, that's good.
Speaker 2:I think that's the part that everybody skips, or a lot of people skip, um, because you don't think to pray about that. We pray about our kids, we pray about big decisions, we pray about what we're going to do. We pray about everything, but we don't pray before we go and talk to our spouse about something. So I think that is a really good one to implement yeah, I think it's.
Speaker 1:It can help a lot of couples change how they say what they're going to say yeah, and by the help of god that you you number one you take it to god before you take it to your spouse, yes, and you ask God to help you navigate it with your spouse, and I think that's the benefit, that's the blessing of praying before you jump in and just go to shooting off about all the stuff that you think they need to hear, that you want them to hear because true enough.
Speaker 1:like we said previously, the point is everything doesn't need to be said, and sometimes you need God to check you and and let you know, don't say that you know I that yeah, that that helped me a lot when, before I say certain things to you, and sometimes even in the midst of the conversation, holy Spirit will speak to me and say don't say that Right. And and I've learned. I've learned when I obey him, cause I don't know right. And and I've learned, I've learned when I obey him, because I don't always obey him, but I'm working. I obey more now than I used to because, I see the result when I obey him.
Speaker 1:It preserves our relationship yeah it prevents the relationship from going somewhere else. Because sometimes I want to say what I want to say, because I feel like you need to hear it right, you need, you need this I need it I want to use my words, I want to swing, I want to, I want you to feel the weight, but, uh, the damage is not worth it it's not worth it.
Speaker 2:It's a long lifetime of damage yeah life, life effect.
Speaker 1:Yeah, once I learned that I had to pull back and say okay. You know what, when holy spirit says don't say that, don't say it, and sometimes it may be valid, it can even be right. The Holy Spirit saying don't say it doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means it's not the right time, or that's not what she needs to hear right now.
Speaker 2:There you go with your facts again. This is right, she needs to hear it, and I got it all laid out and so I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give it to her, and it's not always what you need to do at that time, and I think that goes back to the timing. It's not always a good time to say what you're gonna say because, you can. You can damage them. You know even more with all that, yeah, I totally agree.
Speaker 1:I think when we pray, um, whatever we're arguing about, whatever we're disagreeing about, uh, it pulls the rough side out of the sting out of it and it causes our heart to be soft yeah so that when we do go into it, we don't go into it like it's this major thing that I got to get off my chest.
Speaker 1:You kind of go into like, hey, it's this thing that we just need to discuss yeah we just need to navigate and work through, because God has helped you pull all the aggression or the craziness that you think about out of it. I'm telling you, god, god has to be in the marriage. Yes, in every part yes, right it can't be always. Let's pray in the morning, let's pray before bed, and that's that's how god or we go to church and worship together. No, you need god in your decision making yeah you need God in your disagreements because as human beings, we're all flawed and we will hurt one another in many different ways.
Speaker 2:Unintentionally.
Speaker 1:Unintentionally. Yeah. Yeah, but with God helping us we can avoid a lot of that. Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Well, anything else you want to say, that's it Awesome. Well, listen, I want to. I want to definitely say to all of you listening today that disagreements are going to happen. Everybody has those disagreements, but it's the way that you navigate through those disagreements and you can still preserve the connection and the love in your relationship, and that's what's most important. It's not important for you to make your points, it's not important for you to be right, it's not important for you to get it off your chest and say what you want to say and for your spouse to know how you feel. That's not what's most important. Preserve the connection, preserve the love, maintain unity in your relationship, keep those main things as the main thing, and then it will help you navigate all of the other things that show up in the course of life in your relationship.
Speaker 1:All right, so hopefully that blessed you all. If it did share it with somebody, encourage them, let them know that this is a great podcast. Doing it with the daniels will help minister to your life, encourage you and strengthen you as you go forward. All right, thank y'all for joining us. We'll see you next time, god bless. Hey, thank you for joining us, for doing it with the dan. If you want to keep up with everything going on on our channel, don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and share this podcast. Absolutely. We'll see you next time.