Episode 39 - Horsing Around and Bullheaded Behavior

This week, we're asking the important questions: Why would anyone trust a suspiciously handsome horse hanging around a lake? And who thought locking a giant bull-man in a maze was a solid long-term plan?

Join us as we wade into the weird world of the Kelpie, Scotland's infamous shape-shifting water menace, before taking a wrong turn in the Labyrinth to meet the Minotaur, Greek mythology's most misunderstood (and probably very hangry) resident. We'll dig into the legends, separate fact from folklore, and wonder how so many ancient myths could have been solved with better decision-making and a healthy dose of common sense.

Expect creepy stories, questionable life choices, mythology tangents, and plenty of laughs as we tackle two legendary creatures that prove monsters come in all shapes, sizes, and species. Grab your favorite snack, avoid mysterious horses, and maybe don't volunteer to explore any ancient mazes. Trust us on that one.

Send in your own creepy stories to twofilthyhorrorspodcast@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

New episodes every Monday! 

If you enjoy the podcast, please rate us on Apple Podcasts and Spotify! 

If you got it, haunt it. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I'm Alex and I'm Megan and we are two filthy whores.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

You're all beyond the veil now. Hi guys, welcome to Yappy Hour.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Do you have anything for us, Alex?

SPEAKER_00 0:22

I know a couple episodes ago I was talking to you about mailing out my baby shower invites, and I just want to say that the post office can count their fucking days. Because I sent I sent out the baby shower invites. And that was fucking funny. Sorry, go ahead. They sent me like six of them back. And why? Because it wouldn't. Do you know how I had the wax seal on it? Oh. It wouldn't go through their machines. But they crossed it in their hands. My fucking stamps. They literally took a black Sharpie and crossed off my stamps in the typographers.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

So that not even that. They they couldn't manually like figure out how to get it past the machine, but they can manually like cross out your stamp. You're telling me they can do that.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

They were pissy. They were no, they were like, we don't like these wax.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

You're too too extra. You don't live in a castle, huh? It's like you gotta you gotta quit. They are really cute though. I saved um I saved a little wax thing. I put it in my bookcase.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

I love it.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

I mean it's a torque.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

But other than that, um we had a fla We had a fun weekend. I literally lounged around and played Minecraft all weekend. Um, or was it all weekend, or was it just one of those days? I don't remember. I wrote this a while ago.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

Oh yeah, yeah, mine too.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

So I'm like, uh I don't remember when this was, but yeah, we played Minecraft like at least all of one day. Like I looked over in the Discord that me and Tyler were talking in, and we were in it for eight hours. So we're just trying to have fun because those days are pretty few and far between with uh baby girl on the way. So we're not gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

I mean you still you still do have fun, it's just different, you know? Like you'll still be able to do stuff like that. It's just a different I I know what you mean though you're trying to soak it all up. Yeah. Like when it's just you two. You know what I mean? Like whenever I was pregnant with Ben, we played Fortnite constantly, constantly. Like I was just eating I had this until I was had gestational diabetes, and then I think I stopped eating them. But the chili Dorito chips, I was like obsessed with them. The sweet chili Dorito chips, and I would just eat like I'd get a like a little bowl, not I didn't overeat, but I'd get like a bowl of them and then eat those and play Fortnite, and like one time I laughed so hard I peed my pants. I was like, I wasn't eating the Doritos at this point. I was like really far along and like feet swelled, b bellies like like you know what I mean, and I laughed so hard at someone's like name on there. Like they was it or maybe it was something else, maybe it was a Fortnite W it was Fortnite we played all the time, but maybe this other thing was a different game. But if someone's name popped up after they like killed me and I laughed so hard at their name that I pissed, like I mean, all of it was terrible. Like it was just Yep, it was everywhere. No, I'm just kidding, it wasn't everywhere, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

It's hard because sometimes sneezes will get me out of nowhere, and then because like your pelvic floor just wipes away whenever you're pregnant. So that's been fun. I'm like, oh, oh, oh, there's a sneeze coming. I gotta like freaking be very careful or I'm gonna tinkle. It's so annoying.

SPEAKER_02 3:35

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

I I like got out of breath for literally no reason at all. But I was like in a parking lot the other day, and it's it's as you know, has been very hot and very sunny. And I every time I'm in the sun, I sneeze like 20 times. So I'm like in the parking lot and I had to stop in my tracks in the middle of the I couldn't even I could not even move to the side to let cars go by. I had to stop and cross my legs and sneeze, and I still peed a little bit. Like it was terrible. And I was like, it was the harshest sneeze ever. And then it just kept coming. And the person, thank god, it was a woman in the car, and I know she had to be a mom because she was so patient while I stood there sneezing in the middle of the thing with my legs crossed. Dylan and Ben are like five feet in front of me, almost to the car, and I'm like sneezing away, peeing myself. That's fine. Oh my god. Yeah, but I don't know. I have been very busy lately. Uh when I Yes. And when I wrote this information down, I said that I was packing for Dylan's race, Dylan and Doug's race, and that we were taking Mika to a track that has already come and gone. We did go to the race, Dylan, uh, it was like a type of like a um I don't remember what it's called. There's like numerous drivers like on a team. Okay, and you switch drivers when you like you pit, get fuel, switch the driver. So anyway, they were on the same team, and they took like fourth place, and it was super great and fun. It was a great time, great weekend. Uh Mika did incredible for her first like track and meeting new people and new dogs. She only had one moment where she got a little bit frightened because there were two dogs that came up to her at the same time. And one came to her back and one came to her front, and she like kind of got cornered in and got really jumpy and scared from it. And um she didn't do anything bad, but she did get frightened, so I was worried, and then they they I told the owners because they were like together with the two dogs, and I um told them and they like backed off a little bit because she got scared, so and then they came back over individually and and let them sniff meek out individually instead of scaring her all at one time. Um but besides that, yeah, she did incredible, she was amazing. Ben was amazing. Um I got so many compliments on both Mika and Ben. And Ben did a snow cone stand. Uh he like has a machine that we got on for his birthday, and we've got him a whole bunch of syrups and stuff, and he raised money for go-karting so he could go go-karting. Um, he shaved uh he like sold shaved ice for like one dollar per icy like thing, like snow cone. Cute. And um, yeah, he raised over like 120 some dollars, I don't remember. It was like 125, 127, somewhere around there.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

He's so fun. I'm proud of him. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Yeah, I am too. And uh he he uh did go go karting. We took him um on Monday, and he did great. Like, let me tell you, and we are all just like fascinated by it because Ben is not aggressive. You've seen him play soccer, you I don't think you've seen him play hockey, but he we he we put him in hockey, we put him in soccer, like just like doing family stuff outside, everything like that. Like, he is just not an aggressive child. Like he's very polite, manners, like and not not that's necessarily good or bad. I'm not saying that, like I think at this age a lot of kids struggle with trying to be polite, but on the field, like knowing that they can take the ball or puck from someone, they don't have to be polite necessarily. Um but Ben just struggles with that like a lot, and uh you put him behind a wheel, and that kid is a totally different person. Like he's so aggressive, like in a good way. He's not mean or anything on track, but he's like aggressive, he beat Dylan. Um he was in like a seven-car race and took first place. He did so well. I'm so proud of him.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

Yeah, he's great. I'm glad that he has that that he likes and he's good at.

SPEAKER_01 7:54

Yeah, but don't ask him if you want if you if he wants to be a race car driver, because he's like, No, I want to be a pilot. And I was like, you could do both. And he's like, No, I'm gonna be a pilot. And I'm like, okay, fine.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

You know what? Hell yeah, kid. Whatever you want. But yeah, you you could do both. It's okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

Got anything else?

SPEAKER_00 8:10

No, honestly, that is all for me. Okay, let's jump in. If you've ever dreamed of wandering through the Scottish Highlands, you've probably imagined mist rolling over green hills, ancient castles perched on cliffs, and peaceful little locks reflecting the sky. It all feels incredibly romantic until you learn that for centuries people believed those same locks and rivers were home to something that looked like the most beautiful horse you'd ever seen, right before it dragged you into the water to die. Tonight I'm talking about Kelpies. Not the giant steel horse head sculptures you've probably seen in photos from Scotland, although I'll get into those later. I'm talking about the original Kelpies, the shape-shifting water spirits that terrified generations of Scots and became one of the country's oldest and most enduring legends. I mentioned these back in episode 29 for our strange disappearances episode. But these aren't the ones that you need to win a rap battle with, though, don't worry. But the more I researched these, the creepier they became, because unlike dragons or giants, kelpies don't announce themselves. They don't breathe fire or roar from the top of a mountain. They wait perfectly still, and they look exactly like something you'd want to walk up to. The Kelpie is considered one of Scotland's most famous supernatural creatures, but depending on where you are in the country, the details change. Every region seems to have its own version, its own stories, and often its own stretch of water where locals swore a Kelpie lived. Sometimes it was a lock, sometimes it was a river, sometimes it was just a deep pool that everyone in the village knew to avoid after dark. Kelpies were and still are a legend. This wasn't one spooky story that spread across Scotland. It was hundreds of stories shared independently for generations, all centered around the same terrifying idea. Don't trust the water. And definitely don't trust the horse standing beside it. We know Dylan won't. That's so fucking funny. Love ya. The word Kelpie comes from an old Scottish term connected to horses or water spirits, though scholars still debate its exact linguistic origin. I just found out what was most likely, sorry, like that, I'm not 100% positive, it was just like the most, you know, accurate it could be. What is for certain is that stories resembling Kelpis have existed for well over a thousand years. Some folklorists believe the creature evolved from even older Celtic beliefs about dangerous spirits inhabiting rivers and lakes. Before Christianity became widespread throughout Scotland, many Celtic cultures believed that natural places weren't just landscapes. Rivers, forests, mountains, and springs all possessed spirits. Some were helpful, others weren't. Water, in particular, occupied a strange place in ancient belief systems. It gave life, it provided food, it was used for travel, but it also killed people with alarming irregularity. Scotland's locks can be incredibly deep. Rivers can swell quickly after rain and the water remains dangerously cold even during warmer months. Before modern rescue equipment, life jackets, weather forecasts, or reliable bridges, falling into a river could easily become a death sentence. Just imagine living in a tiny village a thousand years ago for a second. Someone disappears while crossing a stream. A child wanders too close to the water and never comes home. A horse bolts towards a riverbank, and neither it nor its rider are ever seen again. You don't have sonar or divers, and you don't recover the body. All you know is that the water took them. It's not difficult to understand how those tragedies transformed into stories. Instead of saying the current was stronger than anyone realized, people said something in the river wanted them. And I feel like that would be our asses if it was a local rumor about Ms. Betty falling in. I just I don't know. I feel it.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Listen, what about Florida? Like all Florida waters right now.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

Bro, what is going on?

SPEAKER_01 12:04

There's like a ton of people dying because of the ages.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

I know. Yes. It's crazy, because they're like adults too. But that something in the river slowly became the Kelpie. One of the fascinating things about Scottish folklore is that monsters rarely existed just to be scary. They usually served a purpose. The Kelpie's purpose was to serve as a warning. Children were constantly told not to play near rivers. Don't wander the locks alone, don't approach unfamiliar animals, don't go swimming where adults can't see you. Instead of explaining currents, hypothermia, hidden drop-offs, or underwater weeds that could trap someone, parents simply said the Kelpie will get you. And honestly, I mean it's pretty effective. I'd probably stay away too. Matter of fact, I wouldn't even go outside. Speaking from my minute experience with the outside.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Yeah, you go kayaking every once in a while. Like once a year.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Well, dude, this summer heat is no fucking joke. Of course, like the year I get pregnant for the first time, it's in the summer, and then it's like a nationwide, like weather advisory. It's so dumb. Yeah. Yeah. But like all great folklore, the Kelpie eventually became much more than a cautionary tale. It became a fully developed supernatural being with its own personality, habits, strengths, weaknesses, and horrifying methods of hunting. Unlike many mythical creatures that rely on brute force, Kelpies rely almost entirely on deception. They don't chase people or stalk them through forests. They don't burst out of the water screaming either. Instead, they tempt. Which is much scarier and reminds me of the Windigo. Descriptions vary from region to region, but nearly every account agrees that a Kelpie most often appears as an extraordinarily beautiful horse. Its coat is usually jet black, though some traditions describe white, grey, or dark chestnut versions. Regardless of color, the horse is always strikingly beautiful, healthier than any normal horse, stronger, perfectly groomed, almost too perfect. One feature appears over and over again throughout the folklore though. Always its mane is soaking wet. Like stopping, like dripping. Even if the day is warm and it hasn't rained in weeks, water constantly streams from its coat. Some versions even describe water pulling beneath the tubes while it stands completely still, and somehow people ignored that. No, because I I thought about him quite a bit during this and I was like, I feel like he would shit. Like literally like I've never seen him get the chills. I've never seen him with a horse. Like that's he's so afraid. I know. I know you said it, and that's like the only like I've just never seen it, but I I would like to.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

You're like, we're going to a petting park. Dude, he would fucking kill me though.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

He would roast me so hard. Like, I don't think uh like he's probably holding things in his arsenal in case I ever pull this against him.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

I'm pretty sure that he helped Ben ride a pony or a horse before he didn't get on it, but he was there to help Ben, and I didn't think about that until just now, how m hard that had to have been for him.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

Yeah, that's like getting over a fear. Which I wonder why, like, what about the horse makes him fearful?

SPEAKER_01 15:28

I'm not quite sure. Yeah, I don't know, but I I know him and I like we've talked about it before. Yeah. But I don't n I don't remember like if he actually explained what it was because I feel like he just kind of talked in circles about it and then was like, it's just what they it's just you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

Yeah, I don't think he actually something he can't explain. Right. That's okay. I mean they have like human eyes sometimes, like they are kind of like I mean I am like petrified of like deep water.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

Like I love water and it's so funny because I love rain, I love going to the ocean, I love like the sound of water. But um like if I'm swimming in a lake and it's deep or a fish touches me, I I'm like I'm freaking the fuck out. Like, especially if I can't see it if I can't see in the water.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

Like I don't like that.

SPEAKER_01 16:19

Yeah, like I like I hyperventilate like it's pretty bad.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

I get it. I get it. Back to the horses, the kelpies. Back to the horses. Travelers encountered these magnificent creatures standing alone beside rivers or locks without any owner in sight. Naturally, many assumed they'd found a stray horse. Who wouldn't? If you lived centuries ago, finding a healthy horse could completely change your life. I mean it could it would help with farming, transportation, you could even trade. It just was something with wealth and opportunity, so people would naturally approach. Some tried leading it away, others climbed onto its back, and according to the legends, that was the last mistake they ever made. The instant someone mounted the Kelpie, they discovered they couldn't get off. Their hands fused to its mane and their legs stuck to its sides. Some stories say the horse's skin became as adhesive as tree sap. Others describe it almost like a supernatural glue. No matter how hard the rider struggled, they remained trapped. Only then did the kelpie move.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

Maybe that was Dylan in a past life. Not it is just like a part of his soul now that he's gonna be.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Yeah, I bet that's it. Well, that's Dylan's lore. No matter how hard the rider struggled, they remained trapped. Only then did the Kelpie move. It would laugh. Some versions actually describe it making an eerie, almost human sound, and then sprint toward the nearest body of water. Witnesses described impossible speed. The horse didn't gallop like a normal animal, it seemed to glide over the landscape. One moment it was standing silently, the next it reached the lock in seconds. Without slowing down, it plunged directly into the deepest water. The horse, the rider, everything just disappeared beneath the surface. Some legends say the Kelpie drowned its victims before devouring them. Other legends claim it consumed nearly the entire body, leaving behind only a liver, lungs, or scattered entrails floating to shore. The details differ. I mean, there you're gonna find so many different things whenever you look into a kelpies, but the outcome doesn't differ. Nobody came back. At least almost nobody. Because folklore always leaves room for the rare survivor, and those stories become some of the most interesting. But first, one thing to know is that despite how well known they are, there isn't just one definitive version of the legend, like I just fucking said. Which again, it's pretty common with folklore, it's been passed on for hundreds of years. So every village, family, storyteller, they all have their own details. Some stories contradict each other completely, but there are certain themes that show up over and over again. The biggest one is that Kelpis aren't just magical horses, they're shapeshifters. Now if the whores version wasn't creepy enough, imagine you're walking home after sunset. Maybe you've been visiting friends in another village, maybe you're taking the long red back after a day of trading. You come across a handsome stranger sitting near the river. He's charming, well dressed, maybe a little mysterious. He starts a conversation. He's friendly enough that you don't think twice about stopping. Except if something feels off. In many stories, the Kelpie's human disguise is almost perfect, but not quite. Very uncanny valley vibes, if you will. Depending on who's telling the tale, there are a few giveaways. Some say it's the hair because it's always damp, as though it had just climbed out of a lake. Others say strands of river weeds are tangled in its hair without seeming to notice. There are stories where water drips from its clothes even on bright sunny days, and one of the oldest signs is that it can't completely hide its horse traits. Maybe its feet are still hooves, or maybe its reflection isn't human. Maybe, if someone looks too closely, they notice bits of pond grass caught in its hair or hear what looks like water slashing inside its boots as it as it walks. It's almost like the disguise works best if you don't look too closely. And honestly, that's one of my favorite tiny details about this because I feel like that's what makes it scary to me too, is that the monster isn't flawless. It kind of wants you to figure out that it's a Kelpie, but only when it's too late. That fucking freaks me out. In many stories involving woman victims, the Kelpie appears as an exceptionally handsome young man. Again, polite, attractive, charismatic. Somehow manages to appear exactly where someone is alone. He'll flirt and strike up a conversation, sometimes even ask the person to walk with him, usually toward the water. There are some stories where the Kelpie appears as a beautiful woman to lore men also. Those versions are less common than the horse or male forms, but they exist in fall in Scottish folklore, proving that Kelpies aren't picky about who they targeted. The goal was always the same. Get someone close enough to the water that escapes that escape becomes impossible. What's fascinating is how much intelligence Kelpies seem to have in these stories though, because it's not like they're wild beasts acting on instinct. They plan, manipulate, and they seem to understand human behavior. They know greed, curiosity, loneliness, and kindness can all be used against someone. One of the oldest and most repeated pieces of Kelpie folklore I don't know why I can't talk. One of the oldest and most repeated pieces of Kelpie folklore involves something called the magical bridle. Apparently, if someone manages to sneak up behind a Kelpie and place a blessed bridle over its head, or in some stories, simply remove the bridle it was already wearing, they could control the creature completely. I don't know how to go about surviving long enough to put horse tack on the supernatural murder horse, but I commend those who have.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

According to Scottish legends, people actually did it. There are stories of brave or incredibly lucky farmers managing to capture Kelpie this. Way. Once under the control of a bridle, the creature became obedient and incredibly powerful. It could plow entire fields in a single day, move impossibly heavy stones, or perform work that would normally take dozens of them. But of course, there's always a catch. The Kelpie never forgave its captor. Many stories warn that if the magical bridle was ever removed, even accidentally, the Kelpie immediately returned to its true nature, and it remembered exactly who enslaved it. Needless to say, those stories didn't end well. One famous tale tells of a man who successfully forced the Kelpie to help construct parts of his property. For years the creature obeyed him because it had no choice. Then one day, someone unknowingly removed the enchanted bridle. The Kelpie vanished, and later the man disappeared. No explanation, he was just gone. Whether that story was meant to teach people not to abuse supernatural creatures, or just remind listeners that evil can't truly be controlled is up for debate. Either way, it's not very comforting. Another recurring theme in Kelpie legends is that they're deeply tied to specific locations. Unlike ghosts that haunt houses or monsters that roam forests, Kelpies belong to particular bodies of water. A certain bend in the river or a lonely pool beneath a waterfall. Some Scottish communities genuinely believe they knew exactly where their Kelpis lived. There are dozens of places throughout Scotland connected with Kelpie stories. One of the most famous, and I'm going to probably mispronounce this, but is Loch Garve in the Highlands, where tales describe a dangerous water horse alluring travelers toward the shore. Near the River Spee, stories warn children about beautiful horses that appeared without riders. Around the River D, similar legends described horses vanishing into the water with anyone foolish enough to approach them. The details changed from place to place, but the pattern is again identical. Beautiful horse, lonely water, missing person, nobody. And I'm gonna keep this one short, but of course there are stories involving children. These ones are the ones that you can find the most, um, because they're oddly specific. In one version, several children discover a magnificent horse standing beside a stream. Naturally they begin climbing onto its back, laughing because it seems so calm, and one by one every child manages to find a place to sit, except the youngest. By the time they try to try Bla By the time they try to climb on, there's no room left. Instead, they place one hand on the horse's side, and instantly that hand sticks. Before they can pull away, the Kelpie bolts toward the water. The child desperately realizes what's happening and thinking quickly, cuts off their own hand to escape while the Kelpie disappears beneath the surface with everyone else. It's a horrifying story, but that's probably because, you know, that's all it is. Because how did a child cut off their hand? I don't think most adults could do that when faced with that decision, to be honest with you. But while it's obviously meant as lore rather than history, it really emphasizes just how inescapable Kelpies were believed to be, because you cannot outsmart them or outrun them. You can only survive through incredible luck or painful sacrifice. Another strange detail that appears in several old accounts is that Kelpis don't necessarily hunt because they're hungry. Some stories portray them almost as territorial spirits. Anyone entering their domain becomes prey simply because they've crossed an invisible boundary. Others suggest they're ancient beings that actively avoid tricking humans. It's less about food and more about proving they're cleverer than we are. Is that a word? Cleverer? That's what I put. It's a word now if it's not. The idea actually shows up in a lot of Celtic folklore. Intelligence is often more dangerous than strength. The creature that can make you choose your own fate is much scarier than the one that simply attacks. As the story spread across Scotland, people started comparing Kelpies to other supernatural beings. Again, I'm going to mispronounce this, I apologize. I literally have it pulled up, like, in Google. I don't I still can't say it. Um, one of the closest relatives is the Eek Usage. I'm so sorry, I completely said it wrong, but that is translated to water horse. These two creatures are often mixed up, even in modern books and websites, but traditionally they're considered separate beings. The water horse is generally portrayed as even more dangerous. While Kelpies are usually connected to rivers and streams, the water horse is more often associated with the sea and larger locks. It's considered far more vicious and almost impossible to escape once you've encountered it. Some folklores think that the legends developed from the same original creature before gradually splitting into regional variations. Others believe they were always separate. Either way, Scotland certainly didn't seem to trust mysterious horses near water, and honestly, I can't blame them. By the 1800s, collectors of folklore were traveling around Scotland making recording these stories before they disappeared. They noticed something remarkable. Even people who claim not to believe in Kelpis often refused to go near certain stretches of water after dark. Not because they expected to see a monster, but because what if? That tiny seed of doubt lingered. What's really interesting is that Kelpie's never really disappeared. Unlike a lot of mythical creatures that have faded into obscurity, the Kelpie has remained one of Scotland's most recognizable legends. And what's even stranger is that modern sightings almost always happen exactly where the old stories say they should, near rivers, locks, and isolated bodies of water. If you've ever looked up Kelpies online, you've probably seen the massive steel horse head sculptures in Falkirk. They're called the Kelpies, and while they take their name from the legendary creatures, they're actually a tribute to Scotland's hard-working Clydesdale horses and the country's industrial history. They aren't meant to represent the monsters themselves, although if you've ever seen the photos of them at night, they're definitely eerie enough to make you think otherwise. I tried getting Courtney to go see these, but I think we said before her entire Scotland itinerary got completely fucking bombarded because of a weird mishap with her camper van. But anyway, you should Google them. The Kelpie statues in Scotland, they're fucking freaky. They're massive. I think if I were standing close to them, I would be freaked out. Because anytime I stand near anything really big, I get a weird sense of like unease. Yeah, I don't I don't love that. Are you Googling it? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Holy shit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

Yeah, I wouldn't be able to go do that.

SPEAKER_00 28:27

No.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

I mean, unless I went with like someone else, but I don't think Dylan will go anywhere near that.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

Just spooky looking. I don't think so either. I think it's in Scotland, right? Yeah. Yeah. No, they're massive. Like they're absolutely like no thank you. Calpies have also found their way into books, movies, TV shows, and video games, but I think a lot of modern portrayals miss what made the original folklore frightening. Because they weren't just monster horses, they were manipulators. Like they they didn't chase people through the woods or burst out of the water like in a horror movie. They just appeared as exactly what someone wanted to find, which was a beautiful horse, a charming stranger, or something that seemed harmless. The horror comes from the fact that people willingly walked into danger without realizing it. That idea has carried over into modern stories people share online. These are all paraphrased and popular stories, so if you want more details, you can definitely find them. But one story comes from a hiker who claimed he spotted a beautiful black horse standing perfectly still at the edge of a Scottish lock. He watched it for several minutes before looking down at his camera. When he looked back up, it was gone. No hoof prints, no owner, or obvious place for it to have disappeared. Someone else wrote that their grandmother had one strict rule growing up never answer someone calling your name from across the water after sunset. Which is so specific. Like you know that she's heard some shit in her life. They always assumed it was just another old superstition until they realized nearly every older member of their family had heard the exact same warning. I would be listening to Grammy Ma. Oh yeah, me too. Then there's a camper who woke up in the middle of the night and hearing slow hoof beats splashing through a nearby river. The sound continued for several minutes, but when they asked the local the next morning if horses were kept nearby, they were told there hadn't been any in that area for decades. Something I noticed while reading story after story wasn't necessarily sightings of horses, it was how many people described feeling strangely drawn toward the water. Some talked about unexplained urges to walk closer, while others described feeling like something was watching them from the shoreline. Of course, psychology offers plenty of explanations for experiences like these. Our brains are incredibly good at finding patterns, especially in unfamiliar places. Sounds carry differently across water, mist creates strange optical illusions, and isolated landscapes have a way of making us feel uneasy. But if you've grown up hearing stories about Kelpies, those perfectly normal experiences suddenly feel a whole lot less ordinary, and that's probably why the legend has survived for so long. It doesn't rely on giant monsters or dramatic attacks, it lives in quiet moments, a lone horse standing where they where there shouldn't be one, footsteps in shallow water, a voice calling your name across a dark lock, or that strange feeling that maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't get any closer. I do want to talk about some modern stories instead of the old tales, though. One story that kept popping up in different places came from hikers exploring the Scottish highlands. A few people described spotting what looked like a lone black horse standing beside a locker river. Nothing unusual there, except there were no nearby farms, no fences, no tracks, and no owner. In nearly every version this the horse stood completely still, watching. Then after the person looked away for only a second, it was simply gone. No running, no grazing, just gone. There were plenty of logical explanations. Horses can move surprisingly fast, pills can hide them almost instantly, and mist can completely change what you're looking at, and Scotland is misty. Still, it's eerie how often that same story comes up.

SPEAKER_01 32:02

Have you ever seen a horse not moving? Or a cow? No.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

No.

SPEAKER_01 32:07

It is so creepy. I thought I was like glitching one time. I remember you talking about this with a cow, right? Yes, and it's happened with horses too. They're like literally like bent down like they're eating, but they just don't move. And like it'll just stare and stare and stare and like try your hardest not to blink. And then all of a sudden, right when you're like, oh my god, like the world has broken. Like there's something like reality's broken. Yes, the cow or horse eats. And it's happened to me like probably three times in my life, but it's it's not it's crazy, it freaks me out every time.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Yeah, because I I like paranormal experiences, but glitches I don't fuck with very much. I like to read about other people's glitches, but I don't want to experience a glitch ever again. That shit will fuck with me. Another account came from someone visiting Scotland who stopped near a small lock to take sunrise photos. They said they had the overwhelming feeling they weren't alone. At first they ignored it, assuming they were just creeped out by being in such an isolated place. But then they noticed ripples moving toward the shoreline. Not away from it, toward it. They expected to see a duck, maybe an otter, or a fish breaking the surface. Instead, nothing appeared. The ripples reached the edge of the water and just stopped. There was no animal or splash. They admitted they packed up and left immediately. One Scott shared a story about how they grew up in rural Scotland and remembered walking with their grandfather near a river. At one point they saw what looked like a beautiful horse standing on the opposite bank. The child wanted to get closer. Their grandfather grabbed their arms so quickly it actually hurt and told them never walk toward a horse that's standing alone by the water. And that was it. That was the explanation and the rule. Years later, after their grandfather had passed away, they asked other relatives why he'd reacted that way, and their answer was he believed in Kelpis. He follows that rule throughout his life even now.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

Good. Listen to your grandparents unless they're sharing stuff on Facebook telling you that to no, no, listen. Listen that that copy and paste thing where it's like Facebook does not have access or property or something of my my photos and they can't share it. That is what I'm talking about. I'm not mentioning anything specific. I'm just talking about like old people sharing that and being like, I was like, oh shit, pulling it up now for getting into it. No, no, I'm talking about like all the old people.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

Yeah, don't do that, guys. It's okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

Drive me nuts.

SPEAKER_00 34:41

I know. Another story came from a kayaker who described hearing what sounded like someone whistling from the shoreline. Every few minutes they'd hear it again. A short whistle and then silence. They assumed another paddler was nearby, except every time they looked toward the bank, no one was there. Eventually the whistling stopped. When they reached the end of their route, they mentioned it to a local who who reportedly joked, Be glad it only whistled. And bro, imagine hearing that after spending two hours alone on the water and like hearing the whistling. I'd be getting back in my car immediately. Yep. Again, you know, this the wildest thing about going through these uh stories and comments was the instincts that people had. Because so many people described reaching a body of water and suddenly deciding to leave for no obvious reason. Like nothing happened. They didn't see anything, they just felt wrong. And one person wrote that while they were hiking alone, they reached a small lock, and it was beautiful, completely silent, and exactly the place where you'd normally stop for a break, but instead they felt an overwhelming sense of sense of panic, and they just turned around and walked back the way they'd come. About twenty minutes later, they heard that another hiking group had reported a large section of shoreline collapsing into the water around the same time they've been standing there. Now that's not evidence of a Kelpie. If anything, it's evidence that our instincts can sometimes notice danger before we're consciously aware of it. But stories like this is why folklore survives. Sometimes your gut tells you something is wrong. Centuries ago, people called that instinct a warning from the spirits. Today we call it intuition. Another account described someone camping near a lock who woke up around three in the morning because they heard splashing. At first they assumed it was a deer. I don't know if I would assume that, but um now I'm gonna assume it's a Kelpie. I'll be in like fucking Montana, but it's a Kelpie. But they realized the splashing was rhythmic. Step, splash, step, splash. Like something large walking through shallow water. They listened for several minutes before finally working up the courage to unzip their tent. Which no. Uh by the time they looked outside, the sound had stopped and the shoreline was empty. What really unsettled them wasn't what they heard, it's what they found the next morning. They found fresh hoof prints. They followed them for a short distance, and you won't believe where it went. It went right into the lock, and there were no tracks coming out. Knowing what I know now, if I found hoof prints ending at deep water with no return trail, I would be thinking about kelpies too. Before I wrap up, I did come across a comment that said, I don't believe in kelpies, but if I saw a horse standing alone beside a misty Scottish lock, I still wouldn't walk over to it. And that just proves that you don't have to believe it, you just have to hesitate. For hundreds of years, these stories kept people from wandering too close to dangerous rivers, approaching unfamiliar animals, or exploring deep water alone. Whether people genuinely believed in supernatural creatures or simply used the stories to teach children about real dangers almost doesn't matter anymore. The legend worked, and maybe it still does. Dylan, the next time you see a beautiful horse standing quietly beside dark water, maybe you'll remember this episode. Maybe you'll admire it from a distance, probably not. Maybe you'll even take a picture, definitely not. Just don't climb on. Because if Scottish folklore taught us anything, it's that the things that look the safest are sometimes the most dangerous. And if you notice its mane is soaking wet, you should probably start walking the other way.

SPEAKER_01 38:16

Creepy! Dude, I don't know how I'm gonna hold up to that one. That was really good.

SPEAKER_00 38:21

I had so much fun with that one, and like I think I had more time to work on that one because we like didn't record for a little bit longer, so I think I just I ran with it. I had so much fun.

SPEAKER_01 38:33

Good, I'm glad. It was really good. You did amazing. Thanks. It creeped me out. Okay, tonight we are tackling a classic Greek horror story. Horror did I say horror story or horror? Bitch I was like, horse No. Horror story. No, I'm just kidding. Well, maybe. I don't know. Uh a tale of dark stone walls, blood sacrifices, and a roaring beast that is half man, half bull. Tonight we're talking about the Minotaur. Or as I like to call him, the original short king. Okay, fine. He wasn't short. He was actually a massive bloodthirsty monster trapped in an inescapable labyrinth beneath the palace of Gnosis. I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I think that's how you pronounce it, so. Sounds good to me. I looked it up, so if I'm wrong, everyone's wrong. So Yeah. Right, I agree with that. But sometimes I don't put like uh like I'll say it essentially the right way, but like announce it wrong. Like you or like have the wrong accent, does that make sense? Like uh whenever you're trying to like say something that's like a a different language, I do that often. Mm-hmm. Okay, the Palace of Gnosis is the exact location where the myth of the Minotaur was born, and the real history behind it is arguably more insane than the actual legend. The site, located on the island of Crete, was thriving was the thriving heart of the Minoan civilization during the Bronze Age, around 1900 BCE to 1400 BCE. When British archaeologist Sir Arthur Evans dug it up in nine I'm sorry, dug it up in 1899, he realized why the Greeks thought it was a monster's maze. The most mind-blowing, weird, and hyper-advanced facts about the real world labyrinth add incredible color to any story or podcast. It wasn't just a castle, it was an urban maze spanning over 22,000 square meters, which is about five acres, which could fit exactly 100,500-5,041 Big Daddy pizzas. Nice. Yeah, I wrote this like the day after we swam and had the pizzas. Yeah. Swammed. Sw we swammed. It was up to four stories tall and featured over 1,300 interconnected rooms built around a massive central courtyard. So the labyrinth layout is instead of like neat straight hallways, they built over centuries. They get from the outside to the center. A person had to so instead of like from the outside to the center, like a normal like maze you would think. Sorry, I had to like figure out how I wrote that. I worded it weird. That's okay. Um, a person had to navigate like a dizzying network of zigzagging corridors, sudden blind alleys, steep staircases, and overlapping multi-level wings. Uh yeah, so it's like chaos. It's a lot. Yeah. For a visiting mainland Greek who had never seen a building with more than a few rooms, entering Gnosis would have been a profounding, profoundly disorienting, terrifying experience. They literally thought a regular human didn't design this, it's a trap. While they were living in relatively basic conditions, the Palace of Gnosis was centuries ahead of its time. They constructed an incredibly sophisticated network of slopestone channels, uh terracotta pipes underneath the palace floors to manage water. The palace featured the world's first known flushing toilets, complete with a drainage system. They utilized rainwater to wash waste out of the royal apartments. They also built light wells, uh open vertical shafts running straight down through the center of the building to bring natural sunlight and fresh air into the underground rooms that didn't have windows. One of the most shocking things to archite archaeologists was that Gnosis had absolutely no fortifications. Unlike the fortresses, do you ever like worry that you're when you're saying fortifications, you're gonna say forna fornication?

SPEAKER_00 42:39

No, but I've done that with like organisms and orgasms.

SPEAKER_01 42:43

Yeah, every time I see that word, I like have to make sure I don't say it wrong. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 42:48

We all have our thing.

SPEAKER_01 42:52

Unlike the fortresses of mainland Greece, which had massive towering stone walls built to repel invaders, the Minoans didn't build a single defensive wall around Gnosis. Guys, Gnosis didn't just inspire the labyrinth, it was the labyrinth. Picture the 1,300 room Bronze Age mega mall with no maps, upside down blood red pillars in corridors so confusing you'd get lost just trying to find the restroom.

SPEAKER_00 43:17

Mm-mm. With shit in my pants. If it was an emergency to go poop. I talk about shit a lot. I'm really sorry. I that just now came to that conclusion. You what? I talk about shit a lot. Oh, I think two of your I feel like I bring up poop in like every episode. Well, that's because we whether that's on like you have delivery or basically, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:39

Okay, I was gonna say it's I best girls, it's okay. Yeah. But anyway, what this all means is the minotaur had better better indoor plumbing than most medieval kings. But to understand the ha the horror behind the minotaur, we had to look at the family tree, which is delightfully messy. It all started when King Minnows of Crete Oh, there we go. Now I put in there how to I knew I put it in there somewhere. Received a gorgeous white bull from Poseidon. Instead of sacrificing it like he was supposed to, Minnows kept it. Poseidon got mad, cursed Minnow's wife to fall madly in love with the bull, and well, nature finds a way. Fun fact, Minotaur is just a title that translates literally to the bull of Minnows.

SPEAKER_00 44:24

Oh, I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_01 44:26

Yeah, I there's I actually didn't know much of any of this. I had a like like when I dive dove dived when I jumped into it. I jumped in. I didn't know much. And um yeah, it's in it was interesting.

SPEAKER_00 44:44

Well, we can just go get our facts from Morning Glory Milking Farm. Oh, we're getting there.

SPEAKER_01 44:50

I could have not. That's why I chose this topic. Absolutely. Uh the the result of this union was Astereon, which means starry night or the ruler of the stars. Scholars think he was named this because ancient Cretan coins that depicted the Minotaur surrounded by a crust of stars or a starburst pattern. It adds a tragic poetic layer to a creature that spent its entire life trapped in the pitch black. He had a human body, but the head and tail of a bull, and as he grew, he developed a taste for human flesh. Minnows was so horrified that he shut him away in the labyrinth. Imagine the property taxes on a labyrinth just to hide your stepson. But this is where it genuinely gets spooky. Every nine years, King Minnoz forced the city of Athens to send seven young men and seven young women into the labyrinth as a sacrifice. Picture it. You're perched.

unknown 45:41

Fuck.

SPEAKER_01 45:44

Picture it. I literally hate myself. Like I literally looked over this. And I still am like saying the wrong shit. I don't know how I do it. Like this is I do it when I'm reading too, and I know I say this every fucking time I'm I mess up in this in this this show, like in our podcast. But like when I'm reading, I have to go back and like reread things too, or I just read over them like an idiot. So I don't know why I do that. It's okay. But tell me where I'm perched. You're pushed into a pitch black, twisting maze. You can't find your way out, and echoing through the stone corridors, you hear the heavy scraping thud of hooves, the hot, wet snort of a beast breathing in the dark. You're turning a corner, your torch is flickering out, and suddenly, boom, eight feet of muscle and horns. I mean honestly, sounds like a Tuesday night on certain corners of the internet.

SPEAKER_00 46:39

That's funny.

SPEAKER_01 46:40

I'm just saying our modern perspective of Minotaurs has shifted sick significantly. Back then they called it a cursed abomination. Today we call it a best-selling trope. Yes. If the Minotaur were around today, he wouldn't be trapped in a labyrinth eating sacrifices. He'd be working a nine to five at the Morning Glory milking farm. Earning a comfortable living. Camber Creek is a lovely fictional town with excellent pharmaceutical exports, okay? Don't judge.

SPEAKER_00 47:09

No, it is. It's all literary literary. I'm all flustered now. Thinking about milking, huh? Yeah, if you guys need context to decipher what that is, you could you know. You know what goes on at the Morning Glory Milking Forum.

SPEAKER_01 47:28

And if you don't, you have a book to read. Go read it. Sorry, Mom. Chris, don't go read it. Don't read, don't read that book. Don't read it. Don't read that book. Everybody knows you do go tell us. Yeah, not our mom, please, no. Yeah. Parents aren't allowed to read it. Everyone else go read it. Yeah. The story goes that Athens was forced to send a tribute of fourteen young people into the labyrinth every nine years to be devoured by the monster. Volunteering to put an end to his horror the Sisa d no. The Sius Theus arrived in Crete as one of the sacrifices. He was able to navigate the maze and defeat Astyrian's Astyrion thanks to Ariadne.

SPEAKER_00 48:12

There you go.

SPEAKER_01 48:13

The daughter of King Minos and Minotaur's half-sister. She had fallen in love with the Sius and gave him I'm sorry, that that word, that name is really hard for me to pronounce for some reason.

SPEAKER_02 48:24

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 48:25

And gave him a ball of red thread, often called Ariadne's Thread, which he tied to the entrance of the labyrinth and unraveled as he went deeper inside. When he found Isthereon in the heat of the structure, a brutal fight broke out and he ultimately overpowered the Minotaur, killed him, and there are two tales to choose from. There's the heroic version, where he smuggles a sword into the maze and hacks the beast down in an epic duel, or the brutal version in several ancient artistic depictions and early accounts, he doesn't have a weapon at all. He finds the Minotaur sleeping or cornered, pinches the monster's nose shut, and literally beats him to death with his bare fist, and then uses a thread to guide himself and the others um safely back into the light, like out of there. All I'm saying is that Theseus did Astereon dirty by slaying him. The Minotaur didn't choose the maze life, he was just a victim of bad parenting and a total lack of proper diet. If someone had just given him a field to graze in and maybe a nice romance novel to read historically, or I'm sorry, history would be completely different. Instead, he had to use a ball of thread like a total cheat code because he couldn't handle a man with a little bit of horn.

unknown 49:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 49:44

Yeah, and also that's not the way you're supposed to slay. Okay, that's not how hot girls do it. So you don't do that.

SPEAKER_01 49:51

Ben called me a sleigh he called me a sleigh baddie the other day.

unknown 49:55

Oh, what the fuck even?

SPEAKER_01 49:57

I don't know. He was like, mommy's such a sleigh baddie slay. And I was like, No. I'm like, what does that mean? He's like, you know, those girls that slay. And I was like, okay, Ben. Slay.

SPEAKER_00 50:07

Slay girl. Dude, that's fucking hilarious. Like, where did you learn that? Stop it. Stop it right now. All the girls at school.

SPEAKER_01 50:16

Like, he'll talk them. He was like talking about one the other day. He has he's been out of school for like ever now, and he was like, so and so she you know who she is. She just thinks she's such a sleigh baddie, but she's not. And I was like, Ben, please now. And don't say that to her.

unknown 50:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 50:33

She thinks she's such a sleigh baddie, but she's not. Yeah, so I'm that's so funny.

SPEAKER_01 50:37

I'm definitely entering another part of parenthood where we talk about sleigh baddies and throw away nine bags of toys from the house. So it's okay. I did just so everybody knows, I purged the house and threw away nine bags of toys. We were gonna donate them, but there's not really anywhere around here accepting donations for toys that I looked into. Uh they're they're all like full, because I guess everybody was purging toys. And some of the other ones that like I was gonna like list on like uh like a Facebook marketplace or something, or not not for people to buy, but to just give away for free. Ben had like drawn on them over the years, so I was kinda like that sucks. Yeah, I was like, it's not worth it. No, I'm not gonna scrub these toys, and I don't think anybody else is gonna want to either, so I just tossed them. Or they were broken, old, whatever. Either way, I tossed them. My living room looks a lot better, his bedroom looks a lot better. But I was very emotional today when the garbage can took it off, or the garbage truck took it off. That's hard. It was a big step for I th I was worse than Ben, so okay, so let's get a little more logical. Sorry to kill the vibe. It's okay. You didn't kill it. The myth of the minotaur the myth of the minotaur is on the other. Dementon Dementota.

SPEAKER_00 51:46

The Dementors. The worst part about prison was the Dementors.

SPEAKER_01 51:53

I literally can't like every time I I picture that like scene. I know very Dementors. I always think about that. I know. The myth is a most certainly an exaggerated memory of the real life Minoan civilization on the island of Crete. When archaeologists excavated the Palace of Gnosis, the historical home of King Minos, they found two incredible things that explain the story came from. The architecture, which I don't know why I put all this back in here, so I'm gonna skip over it because I'm just listing all the rooms again. Sure. Um and then the inescapable maze, people sometimes call this the bull cult. The Minoans were obsessed with bulls, they worshiped them, made art of them, and practiced a highly dangerous sport called bull leaping. Young athletes would literally charge a running bull, grab it by the horns, and do a flip over its back. If melee is Greeks, yeah, I could I literally could never know. Bitch, I can barely do a pull-up. I'm not flipping myself over shit. Courtney and I used to fuck around on the farm all the time growing up and like put we So we always played with the cows and like would pet them and stuff, but sometimes, especially if there's baby ones, like the moms would get kind of aggressive. And there were a couple times where Courtney, I almost said Ben, but Courtney would go into the like like fenced in area with the cows. And the one time a mom, like like a girl, like cow, like charged her. It wasn't even a bowl, and it charged her and she came flying the fuck back through the fence. It was crazy. And then there was this other time that's like hilarious. Yeah, there was this other time that like Katie and I like convinced her to grab the electric fence. Oh, I mean she wouldn't do it without holding our hands. And our dumb asses all held hands and grabbed it, and then fucking were like buzzing together. It was horrible. I still can feel it in my body, I'm telling you. Like, if I think about it, I can still feel it. That is the worst feeling. Well, probably not the worst, but it's definitely not a good feeling. Yeah, it's fun growing up on a farm, guys. Yeah, no, I bet. If mainland Greeks sent their youths to create as a political as political hostages or tribute, those youths were likely forced to these deadly bull leaping rituals. But over centuries of oral storytelling, the place where young people go to die by the bull morphed into a monster eating people in a maze. Does Therion roar because he was a monster, or did he roar because the dark was just too loud? The next time you're walking down a long, unfamiliar hallway, or navigating a dimly lit parking garage, you think you hear heavy footsteps behind you. Just remember, some labyrinths don't have walls, and some beasts are still looking for a way out. But hey, if the walls do start to close in, just pray there's a farm nearby to take your application. Now go read Morning Glory Milking Farms and tell us if Minotaurs are so bad.

SPEAKER_00 54:49

They're not.

SPEAKER_01 54:51

Sorry, this is just this is just like a whole topic ploy to get you to read the book.

SPEAKER_00 54:56

Yeah, we're just starting our book club early. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:58

And and listen, I because Dylan Dylan can't get behind it, and and uh I've had some people judge me a bit and I'm like just check it out. Don't like don't like think about it. Just read the book and you know, just see what you like.

SPEAKER_00 55:15

It's so funny because like I have a few friends and family on my goodreads, and I'm like, I just started reading um oh yeah, my one friend, I'm in a book club. She told me to start reading this book called Getting It On With Gargoyles, and it sounds worse than what it is, but it's a cute little like romanticy kind of novel, and a human girl falls in love with a gargoyle, but it's not that bad. It sounds worse.

SPEAKER_01 55:42

I saw that I saw that on your Goodreads, and let me I I'm pretty sure I added it to my list because it's good. I like it. Did you ever watch the gargoyles like cartoon as a kid?

SPEAKER_02 55:54

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01 55:55

I had a crush on one of the gargoyles, like I was like super into one of the gargoyles. So dude, that's the one.

SPEAKER_00 56:02

You know what? Okay. Dude, I was pissed when the beast turned back into a human. Like, that's not what I want the big hairy bear. No, it's not a bear. Oh, but then the second book is called um oh fuck, what is it? Oh, something with trolls, toying with trolls, or like Oh, probably. But anyway, yeah, I'm friends with like family on my Goodreads, and I'm like, I know for a motherfucking fact. They're like, what is this horny pregnant bitch doing with her time? I swear it's not as bad as it looks. Like the titles of the books are pretty misleading because it's not like a whole bunch of sex, but morning glory milking farm.

SPEAKER_01 56:41

You don't okay, I don't even judge freaking stuff because like there's ones about like airplanes or like the vlog the Velociraptor and me. And some let me, I'm telling you, I gotta find that airplane one and watch someone's probably gonna be like, I read that and it was great, and I'm you can I'm happy for you.

SPEAKER_00 56:59

Dude, though, like I don't really judge anyone's reading genre, like I don't care, like just do what you want. But I know that people judge mine or ours or whatever. Oh yeah, no.

SPEAKER_01 57:11

That's um The Morning Glory Milking Farms. I hate someone was looking uh Secret Santa situation. They were looking for the raunchiest book in my to read list that they could find, and they they got that one.

SPEAKER_00 57:22

Um the second book in the Getting It On With Gargoyle series is why am I only finding the third one? Dude, I can't even find it on my Goodreads. I'm currently reading it.

SPEAKER_01 57:36

Oh my god, I'm so annoyed because I'm trying to find the airplane one too. I literally, it's like someone having sex with airplanes. Like not on airplanes, with airplanes, and I was like like the airplanes, like what's that called? And it can talk and have a personality. What's that word? Oh. I don't know. I can't think of the word right now. Either way.

SPEAKER_00 57:54

Wait, it can talk and have personal personification.

SPEAKER_01 57:56

Yeah, like it can like it's like a thing, you know, it's in uh like it's not just a plane, like it's like ha building a relationship with a woman and then they have sex. I'm like, how do you have sex with an airplane? But I didn't read it, I just like saw it and I was like, what? But I'm I don't care what I don't judge I'm not gonna be. Yeah, we're not gonna yuck your yum. Yeah, you can read what you want, but don't yuck my yum either.

SPEAKER_00 58:17

Yeah. Also, it's called Tangling with Trolls. It's a great one. That's dirty. That one I like more than oh yeah. No, it gets it gets real bad. The dirty girl. There's this thing. There's it's it's I'm gonna spoil. Oh, I'm not I'm not gonna spoil it, but like there's this cute little local coffee shop, so you think it's cute, but there's this little local coffee shop and you get some troll whip. Oh my god. You know what the troll whip's made out of? What's it made out of? You know what it's made of. Oh my god. Bro, yes, everyone knows except for the one that fell in love with the troll who was gobbling up that that troll whip, but don't worry, she gobbles it up from the source later. Oh Jesus Christ.

unknown 58:58

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 59:01

Sorry, mom. Sorry. Oh god, I forget that my mother-in-law also listens to this. Love ya. So sorry. Both of them, I think, listen to it.

SPEAKER_01 59:15

Everybody, everybody, all of our moms listen to it.

SPEAKER_00 59:19

I'm so sorry. This is who I am. You know who I am. It is I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 59:24

Yeah. We're just we're we're just being us. Like unapologet unapologetically us. You accept us, the world's gonna accept us too. Yeah, we're called two filthy horrors for a reason. And spin the wheel, bitches. Spin that shit. Okay, we're spinning. Click, click, click, click, click, click. We got cryptids, and I know just what I'm gonna do. Cryptids. Crypies. I'm unhinged. Oh my god. I haven't even had like caffeine. Cut this out. Well, maybe blank it out. I don't care if you like maybe beep it out, but you know how f is having a baby?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:01

Like just bleep out his name, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:05

I was gonna tell him to name he has to name his baby Alan because we say Alan Aliens. Shut the fuck up.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:12

Girl Alan. Alina. Boy Alan. Alan's. That's hilarious. I love that so much. I was like Name your son or daughter after aliens.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:23

Okay? Yeah. But I don't know. Well, he announced that he was having a baby, so I think he's fine if we are talking about it on here. Yeah, I can't. Congratulations, by the way. I'm so excited for you.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:33

So exciting. Yeah, that's really fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:35

Yay, babies. I remember we were working on our Evo. Sorry, this is way off topic. We were Dylan and I and were all working when Dylan and I had the Evo and we had baby Ben. Like Ben Ben was like a week old. And or only a couple days old. My milk, like that day, they were working on the Evo, and it was taking forever, and it was getting too cold outside, and they were still in the garage with it lifted and stuff, and I had to take Ben because Ben was like a newborn baby and it was getting he was born in May. It wasn't like freezing. But it got chilly at night in May. So I went to the car and turned the car on and wrapped him up on my chest. And um at that point, like my milk didn't fully come in yet. And I fell asleep with Ben like cuddled. Like I had my arms around him, everything was safe, I promise. But um I fell like fell slightly asleep. That you'll you'll know what I'm talking about. It's like a sleep.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:25

That's okay, bro.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:26

Like that you can still you're aware, but you're still asleep. And then I like my boobs filled up at that time, like, and I was pouring milk out. Like there were like rocks on my boobs, and I was like, okay, Dylan, we have to go home like now. So yeah. But I'll I every time I think of I think about my milk coming in.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:44

Every time you think about you, think of your titties. Cool!

SPEAKER_01 1:01:48

It's so weird. It's so weird, but I remember that night with the fucking Evo and my my milk coming in.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:55

That's funny. Well, you heard it here first, folks. Yep. But anyway, make sure to tune in next week. If you're enjoying the podcast, make sure to give us a five-star rating on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:08

And follow us on Facebook at TwoFilthy Horrors Podcasts and Instagram at TwoFilthy Horrors. Sorry, I'm struggling today.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:15

She said follow us on Facebook question mark. I really did. If you have any mythical creatures that you're fascinated with and want us to uh jump into it or uh like Megan can't say dive into them, drop us their name at two filthy horrors podcast at gmail.com. Okay, we're gonna dove into them. And if you got it, haunt it. Good night.