The Glow Code: Style Your Life
As a Life and Fashion Coach, I've learned that the thing we're all searching for is life is freedom. Freedom to be our true selves, and to love it.
Prone to conformity, suppression, and just trying to be the "good girl," I quieted my voice and outsourced my wholeness, hoping someone or something else would make me happy.
It was only when I allowed ALL the parts of me to surface—the messy, different, and wild parts—that I felt whole in my body. I was done searching externally for self-love and peace, knowing that I had all the power and love I ever needed right inside of me. I just had to be willing to find it, and most importantly, express it.
Style is an external expression of your inner radiance and truth. So before we go out, come inward with me!
The Glow Code: Style Your Life
How I Learned To Surrender: Navigating Special Needs Children & Self-Care with Desiree Probolsky
Meet Desiree, once a high-powered career woman in the political fundraising world, now a life coach for special needs and medical moms. She shares her emotional journey of raising a severely autistic, nonverbal son with significant medical challenges and why the pivot in career focus. Desiree's story is a powerful reminder of the strength and resilience parents must summon, and how the support of a community can make all the difference.
She opens up about the transformative power of acceptance and surrender in her life. Through her candid recounting, she offers invaluable insights into embracing life's dualities—the hard and the beautiful—and the liberation that comes with genuine acceptance.
The conversation also dives deep into the importance of self-care and the evolving roles of women in parenting. Desiree, soon launching her own podcast, Situation Mama, emphasizes how prioritizing our own well-being can create a positive ripple effect throughout the family. Her mission to ensure no mother feels alone during tough times shines through, offering hope and inspiration. Tune in to learn how modeling self-care and embracing our unique journeys can lead to a more harmonious and fulfilling family life.
CONNECT WITH DESIREE:
Join her at Situation Mama
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CONNECT WITH MAREN & START YOUR GLOW-UP TODAY!
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you're listening to the wild serenity finding inner peace your way podcast. I'm your host, maryn swenson, and on this show we talk about finding peace from the inside out, by shedding conformity and the need for others approval and embracing your own wild truth. Whatever that may be serene, self-love is wild, radical and I invite you to come inward with me. Thank you, desiree, for being here with me. I interviewed your sister, tiffany, on the show and that was incredible. And I remember meeting you at the podcast summit we both attended and we were like screaming at each other, trying to be heard in Chipotle for lunch.
Speaker 1:And I. We had the best conversation and I was like I wish we'd recorded that because it was so powerful and I learned so much about you and was so inspired by you and your story. So now we're doing it for real recording, with no clatter of pots and pans and people in the background. So thanks, des, for being here.
Speaker 2:Oh you're, you're welcome. Thank you for having me. I was so excited to come on your podcast. I love it. I love everything you're doing, Thank you.
Speaker 1:Why don't you start by telling me and listeners a little bit about you and your background and what you do?
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, so I'm Des and I live in Orange County, california, and I've got three kids. My daughters are 11, 9, and my son is 7 and he's severely autistic and nonverbal and he's also had two open heart surgeries to save his life. Um, and so a lot of who I am has in where I'm at today has really gone in that direction. With you know, I spent a lot of years with my son. We can talk about if you want, but, like I, I realized there's so much, there's so much pain in this space.
Speaker 2:I think typical motherhood is already a lot. I think a lot of moms and you know, I think in the world we're in today thank God we're everybody speaking so openly about that and being able to support each other. But special needs motherhood or medical motherhood, is a very it's like next level, even because a lot of these moms are isolated. Because a lot of these moms are isolated, you know and I was one of them for a while through COVID and I always tell everybody, I spent like 10 years living under a rock. I didn't, I wasn't on Instagram or any social media. I didn't even know what a podcast was Like. I was literally under the rock.
Speaker 2:And so very isolated and there's so much pain in the space. I know for me it's been one. One of the most painful things I've ever experienced was when I lost my living child to autism. When that happened, that's what it felt like, because he developed typically and then suddenly lost all his language and connection, and so it was like, oh, it was pretty Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't. I didn't realize that that is a whole level.
Speaker 2:Next level of grief to go through it was like the loss of my living child, in addition to the loss of the future we may have imagined for our family. I mean, he was a third child, so I'm not even sure if I had a lot of visions for where we were headed. We were just like surviving because I had three kids in less than four years, so I was just under the rock. But there were so many layers to it and after years of grief and like I, you know, I I kind of found my way in it and you know we could talk more about that if you want, but it was so powerful and I I now work with other moms. I'm a life coach for special needs moms and medical moms, but and I still take one-on-one clients but my real passion is to bring together all special needs moms and medical moms around the world for community and connection, and medical moms around the world for community and connection, and so I recently launched my community situation mama, and there will also be a podcast at some point. I don't know, I'm like drowning in summer right now, but but yeah, there's going to be like it's. It's a community online. We meet once a week right now, but what I'm really working towards building is a whole world online, um, for these moms to find connection, um, in themselves, in each other, to be there for each other.
Speaker 2:And, uh, we just had our second retreat last week. It was a super success, um, we had about 15 women in the room. Yeah, it was just intimate and fun and, you know, we had all the feels we all like laugh and cry all day together, and it's just the best. There's nothing better to me than like deep, authentic connection and I don't know like, I just think that's really like the sweet spot. So you might hear my son in the background. He's making noises out there today, um, and so my aunt is watching him. But, um, but yeah to be here and and yeah, so that's what I do Bring moms together. Um, I run a group at the children's hospital here in orange County. Um, at the autism center for moms, I we have a monthly meeting. Um, I go around and speak at therapy centers, um, and just whatever I can get my message out. Right now I'm just doing that. So, yeah, we're just discovering it. Right now, I feel like I'm still discovering what it is.
Speaker 1:I do want to talk about everything that you just said and I'm remembering snippets of our conversation and finding out, like before you kind of jumped into this world and before you had your son, you have like a powerhouse background in fundraising and like you are what the world would consider a very successful kind of career driven woman. You're very inspiring to me that way, so I'd love for you to like kind of take us back to your evolution, I guess where you started, and then obviously having your son changed so much of that for you and yeah, I will start by saying that you know, I'm I'm so excited that you brought that up.
Speaker 2:I don't get asked a lot about my first, the beginning of my career, but I'm in this season right now, you know, and since we're a spiritual community here, like I'm really in this season where I am seeing that, like all roads lead to Rome and that you know, we often think, oh, I made a mistake doing that, or I wasted time doing that, or I, you know, we're all in these, we all have stories happening in our head and it's just such a magical moment in my life right now because I'm really seeing that like everything matters and everything brings us, you know, someday it all makes sense, kind of thing. So I always tell, I'm telling everybody right now, I'm like everybody, no matter what you're doing, just know it's going to, it's all going to make sense someday, you know like it all fits together, finding a purpose and value in every experience.
Speaker 1:For sure, but it all matters.
Speaker 2:So that's you know. You know, I wanted to say that before I say that, like, my first business was a fundraising firm and I started in in political fundraising. So I worked for a Senator and he told me to go raise him some money in Orange County and I I came over here. I didn't know anybody, I mean I was, I lived, I lived in the Inland Empire here in Southern California, but that's where I was born and raised and then I came out to Orange County to raise money for the Senator I worked for. And then I ended up just realizing I was really successful at it and there were very few fundraisers at the time doing exactly that, and so I launched a business in it and raised money, millions of dollars, for candidates all over the place Very high profile senators, assemblymen, sometimes presidents came through Governors. I was a finance director on a statewide Lieutenant Governor race here in California and so we raised a lot of money over the years.
Speaker 2:I had, like it was very glamorous. You know, you're in, I'm in my twenties and at 25, it was so glamorous to be like staffing the president of the United States and, like you know, it just all felt so glamorous. And the Secret Service is on the roof and it's just, it's crazy. Oh my goodness, it was fun. It was really fun experiences and at the time in my life it was very aligned, I think, for me and now it makes sense. But so I learned a lot about how things work in the world, right, like politics and government and where business meets politics and a lot of that happens through donations and in the, in the County and um, all around actually, and CEOs, um, cause they were always meeting with, with the electeds and so, um. So that was really valuable to me, just kind of learning the landscape and then raising money, millions of dollars, and learning how to do that. And um, and honestly, the truth is I sold nothing, right Like, all I did was sell candidates Like it wasn't. I wasn't even always the one I should say. I was a fund. I had a fundraising company, I was a fundraiser, but really I, um, I was like a coach. I was like a fundraising coach. I coached a lot of the candidates through asking for their money. So, anyway, so long story short, I did that for a long time.
Speaker 2:I, my business, blew up in. I was about 30 years old. I started my business around like 25. I was, you know, and it was really successful very quickly.
Speaker 2:And then around the time I was 30 in 2009, I, there was a massive, it was like a. I one of my very high profile assemblyman candidates, was caught on a hot mic talking about an affair that he had had and anyway they made international news. They accused me not they like some. It was like an inside job and it would take us all day for me to explain it to you, but it was very. I became like collateral damage because they I ended up working for a woman who was going to fill that spot and that seat because the assemblyman I had worked for had to resign.
Speaker 2:The party asked him to resign, so he left and I had really built my career with this particular assemblyman, so I was very linked to him. And when the woman ended up coming in and taking, you know she wanted to run Linda Ackerman, she's a good friend, but her husband had been the Senate Republican leader for like way back when and she was going to run now and I knew this, you know I knew the county, so I became her fundraiser. She's also a dear friend. And then a lot of inside jobs.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I'll skip all of that.
Speaker 2:But the long story short is that I was accused of having it was just a very vague but accusatory segment. That headline news ran here in Los Angeles and said I insinuated that I'd had some kind of affair with this buried assemblyman and it was just all bad and I didn't do it. I actually tell people, I think, that if number one, I don't think I would have ever done something like that. But if I, I mean I didn't, I never did anything like that, but I I feel like if I had, it would have been easier for me to move past it because I could have rationalized it as a learning experience or something Right. But when you're getting drug through the mud and your whole life is just, you know my, my teachers that I grew up with, I grew up in Southern California, everybody heard this. When you're getting drug through the mud and your whole life is just, you know my, my teachers that I grew up with, I grew up in Southern California, everybody heard this. It was on talk radio for weeks. Yeah, things they said were so horrible and everybody in this at the time believes in the news. There was no fake news back then. You know, and I feel like I'm the original fake news and it was just a really traumatic time. So everything kind of blew up in lies and I think I had like a really strong dose of the not so glamorous side of politics and it was really hard. You know, I wasn't a public figure, I was worked with public figures, but anyway I learned how.
Speaker 2:At that time I well, I took a step back and I ended up getting engaged. We got married around that time. It was just, you know, a crazy, crazy time for me. Honestly, like I went back to work, I mean, I ended up having the kids and I went back to fundraising for a few years and I did it just more of a low key level here in Orange County but it never, ever. I just didn't feel the same about it. I couldn't go out there and raise the money.
Speaker 2:But the experience in fundraising became really valuable now in my life because I'm working in this world with children's hospitals and you know, like the chalk walk, for instance, which children's hospital Orange County has, a walk through Disneyland every year, and last year we did team Asher my son's name is Asher and in 20, I did a 24 hour campaign for money to raise money and you know we raised close to $13,000 in 24 hours. We were on the leaderboard, so we were like one of the top fundraising teams and we ended up getting tickets to Disneyland. I think we're going to use in a few weeks, but it was just. It's just so interesting. You know like I want to do this work with the moms and I think a lot of what I do, I think being able to raise money for the autism center, um with them and help them, and all that has just been so magical.
Speaker 1:So yeah, so definitely using those skills you learned all in this stage of life. So when did, though? Because your son is your third right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So you were about 30, your business kind of your life kind of blew up you got married. And then what did you do? Did you keep working in political fundraising?
Speaker 2:I did Like my husband had a company to a research company. I met him in politics too. He was a pollster he still is and we have a company and I started working in the company a little bit, not a lot. I am the CEO of our company so I'm still very involved but I work on, you know. Just we talk about the company. You know I oversee that a lot of what goes on there, but I'm not so involved in like being exactly in every project. So we've got a great team and. But my but yeah, I did do my.
Speaker 2:I continued my fundraising business for a few years until my daughter actually until my son was in my belly. So I did like fundraising, just not at the scale I had done it before. I just worked from home. You know, having my babies. And when my son, when I was about 22 weeks pregnant, I find out that he has a heart defect. That's pretty significant and he was going to need open heart surgery to survive. So at that point I was working and I decided that it's my third baby and on top of that it's a baby that has medical needs. So at that point I stopped working in fundraising. I mean, I still oversee a lot of Provolski research.
Speaker 2:But but it's just, it's I couldn't do the day-to-day like fundraising stuff. Fundraising, you know, I always, I always say I was like a love hate relationship because it's so stressful but like it's so fun too. So like that, just my whole priority had to be getting my son through open heart surgery. And then just the idea of having anybody help me with a baby who's coming home from open heart surgery and all like it, I just knew I had to be the one. So I stopped working and I feel like that's really where I went kind of deep under the rock. I feel like I tried to be like in the world as much as I could when the girls were young, but then when I had Asher and it was very intense time, so then survival mode.
Speaker 2:So we, yeah, it was yeah, it was 100% survival and, um, yeah, I, I had no, I completely I mean the the heart happened. Um, uh, he had surgery of a day five, open heart surgery and then his recovery. You know, he did okay. You know, for the first year and a half he developed, typically, I would say mostly the first year. Looking back now I can see where things were regressing after the first year. But I realized it around 20, 22 months that he lost, like he just stopped talking and then he stopped communicating in any way, like he wasn't connecting playing with toys appropriately anymore. He started flapping his arms a lot more, like there were so many signs that I didn't even know. And then I called our. There was an OT. Somebody gave me a number to an OT, an occupational therapist, and I called and said I think, my son might need speech therapy.
Speaker 2:He stopped talking and he was a very early eight months, started talking clearly. You know he was already in. I called and said I think my son might need speech therapy. He stopped talking and he was a very early eight months, started talking clearly. You know he was already in sentences at this point and she said well, I'd be worried, he's on the spectrum. And I was like what spectrum?
Speaker 1:I didn't even know what a spectrum was.
Speaker 2:So I was so unaware around autism and so he got diagnosed soon after and then I spent the next couple of years just trying to fix him. I worked so hard. I just you know, there's that marathoner in me. I ran. I ran a lot of marathons when I was younger and I was like I can do it, we're going to just therapy the shit out of him and he's going to get back on track and I'll do whatever it takes. And so I did. I mean, we, I lived my life going to therapy center to therapy center for the first three years, um, or it was like just over two years actually, because then COVID locked us down.
Speaker 2:And when COVID locked us down, my son was about three and a half and it was just like we had to do everything ourselves at home. The therapists were on zoom and it was my job to deliver all of his therapy and I did it as best as I could. I showed up to it with my whole heart every day, cause I wanted to know that I because everybody talks about early intervention being so important in autism Okay, but, but like I knew that he's in that stage and I didn't want to ever look back and be like, oh, we missed it because of COVID. So I made sure he got all his therapy, but it broke me down so deeply. I was exhausted and we were sleeping three hours a night because his sleep also progressed dramatically. Oh, my goodness, it was like three hours a night for um.
Speaker 2:For the like I don't know, it was like I would, yeah, for like a year is we had been sleeping like three hours a night Sometimes. Sometimes you'd be lucky and have five hours a night, but like'd be lucky and have five hours a night, but like it was really intense. And so during that time, I feel like the beauty of that was that I got so exhausted that you get to a point where I just I knew in my soul that I couldn't sustain it forever. I was exhausted, maren, like I was trying everything I could, as any mom would do, like I felt like I was like crawling every day to do whatever I could to save my child and do whatever it took. But then um, and I was really COVID was a really uh, in some ways it felt. I felt free to like not have to drive to therapy center to therapy center all day. So in some ways it was a very good time for our family, but then I was also the only person with like doing his therapy at home.
Speaker 1:It was very intense, but yeah, it had been too much.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he was home and, um, we all just were home as a family for 13 months because we had found out that his heart was also compromised again. So we knew he needed another surgery. And then when he, um, yeah, we, I just knew that, with COVID and the heart being a thing, I wasn't sure what would happen if he got COVID, so like we didn't even go to the grocery store. My girls were on homeschool for 13 months straight and, yeah, it was really intense. But I went on a walk one day I think this is something I told you and and I realized, like, like it was the Monday after Thanksgiving, cause we had been locked down since March at that point, and that's really the day that my life changed.
Speaker 2:It makes me emotional. So I decided I was going to go for a walk that Monday morning by myself, and it was the first walk I had gone on, and I went around a lake we have here near our house and I was listening to a podcast about suffering. And because I, at that point, I barely discovered podcasts and I was so excited and and the podcast was talking about suffering and I, for the very first time, I saw myself in that light and I realized, oh my gosh, I've been suffering and that I was just me. Trying to fix Asher all of those years was just causing me to suffer. And I was exhausted. I was. It was like I was torturing myself because I was trying to change him. And then I thought right away what if God doesn't make mistakes Like? What if Asher is just as he's meant to be? And what if I'm the one who has the problem?
Speaker 2:So, I'm like bawling on this walk.
Speaker 2:I'm listening to this podcast, you know, and I run home and I'm like I run through the door and I grab the girls and I hug them and I'm like we're done suffering. And I grab Asher and say we're done suffering. And I grab Asher and say we're done suffering. And I'm so sorry. Mommy loves you just the way you are. And it was just such a big moment for me and it changed everything about how and that's where you know, the healing started, because I surrendered in a way I didn't in charge and I realized I could not change it.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I'm emotional too.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's okay, it's such a long story so I don't want to be like not, yeah, it's I, but it's changed. The. That's where you know everything shifted. And from that moment on I I started to, you know, uncover underlying beliefs. For example, like a lot of moms I mean a lot of moms in general forget special needs and medical moms, I think, moms in general when something is wrong with our child, I think one of the first things we do as moms is blame ourselves.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what did I do wrong? You know, and definitely when you have a child whose heart is compromised, you think what did I eat? What did I? You know, what was I too stressed when I was pregnant, like, right, yeah, All the shame spiral. And then, with the autism, it was the same thing. What did I miss? So I was obsessively going through pictures and videos on my phone Like what, what, what, what day did it happen? I just wanted to know. And what did I do? And so it was after that walk that I, when I that thought, like what, if God doesn't make mistakes, it like changed everything, because it was no longer me living in this shame spiral, because I realized after that that I had stopped living because I believed deep down that I had done this to my child.
Speaker 2:So it was a thought that if he couldn't live a full life in my brain that's what I was thinking then maybe I shouldn't live a full life, so I had really stopped living as who I'm meant to be, you know, and I was thinking then maybe I shouldn't live a full life. So I had really stopped living as who I'm meant to be, you know, and I was just in so much grief. So that's why now I help moms, because I there is another way, you know, there's there's the. You can have a hard circumstance, you know, and these moms, some of them, have like unbelievably hard circumstances and my son will be mine for the rest of my life and I don't know how I'm going to take care of him when I'm 75.
Speaker 2:Like I don't but, I also believe that I didn't pick this and somehow I was chosen and it's gonna work itself out, you know. But we can still have a beautiful life and I do have a beautiful life and so I really try to help moms live in the and right Like it's hard and it's beautiful. It's hard and it's going to be a great life. It's okay Like we're. We're taught in our culture that we need to pick oh, it's fun or it's. You know, fun is better, or easy is better, or and it's not always the case Like, sometimes it's the hard that brings us the meaning and learning to live in the end so that we can feel the pain. To live in the end so that we can feel the pain but also feel the joy of it all, it's just everything.
Speaker 1:Yes, I love that this is such a beautiful, very. You did a wonderful job articulating and explaining. I didn't even feel like I had to stop and ask questions because you explained everything so well. And, like the, I love how you pointed out the story that you had built for yourself that created so much suffering. That's very subconscious, Like no one's sitting around thinking that consciously it's all my fault. I must not. I have to suffer because they are and somehow I did it Right.
Speaker 1:But I think absolutely all parents carry a level of like responsibility, and especially mothers and for their children, what, whether it's a physical trauma or emotional thing they're going through, but like what a very sweet, spiritual, profound moment for you to have that like, like this epiphany or like I don't know feeling like God spoke to you that way and you were somehow open enough to like receive that and and that you did and that you like could hear it somewhere in your soul and take it and resonate with it and then run with it and then turn it into support for other women like I.
Speaker 1:I have two friends who both have children with very high special needs and, like you, you know it's a, their children will be theirs forever. There will be no like independence or adulthood. You know, typically that we think for them and I just think I know that they have been through similar eras of like intense grief and and and meeting all the specialists and meeting all the other moms and trying to find answers for it and trying to somehow make it different and then finally, you know, coming to a place of like acceptance and surrender, like you said, which is so powerful, and like the. You know the women I know now. I don't know you in that earlier stage of intense grief, but who I know. Now you seem very at peace.
Speaker 1:I don't mean just diminish or downplay, the struggles, you know, because I know it's difficult every day, but at least your resting energy to me feels like, like you said, this is hard and I'm okay. This is difficult and we're we're doing fine.
Speaker 2:I think about it. Like everybody has something, like everybody out there has something and it's not just me like a special needs moms. You know, I was at our retreat. One of the things I was telling the moms was that, as special needs moms or medical moms, we often I'm guilty of it too romanticize this life of typical children or typical families. And the truth is that I was a typical mom for six years and those were some of the hardest six years of my life, when I all of, when everybody was under five and six, and I mean it was a holy shit, like it was a lot. And you know, my girls are typical and my middle daughter, my second daughter, is very, she was a very difficult baby. She never stopped crying for four years and she didn't potty train until she was four. And and other families have, you know, kids who struggle with anxiety or or or I mean, as my daughter's becoming a, she's a tween. So it's like you know and I just saw the inside out to movie. By the way, I highly recommend that for the, but it's, you know, everybody has something, you know.
Speaker 2:And and I think that we can sit around and romanticize other versions of what we think we would have had, but the truth is that I don't. I mean, would it be easier? I don't know. I don't think any of us can say that, and romanticizing that idea sure doesn't serve any of us, because it just like puts us in a depression, so, um. So that's something I'm really conscious of and I think that as humans, we all do that right. Like, oh, that person has one child, or oh, that person, like you know, we create stories, and so that's some of the work I do is to help these moms break down those stories. And when they've had a rough night, I'll say well, is it possible that if you had a typical child, that it could have been rough last night too?
Speaker 1:Right, yes, and I'm just thinking about like that question being posed to me and I'm thinking there's so much power in me being able to say yeah, well, yeah, absolutely could have been rough, just a different kind of rough. There I don't know if there's like a sense of feeling like why is it happening to me? Why does everyone else get this kind of life? And I have this one?
Speaker 1:or, you know, my family, my son, and that feeling of like being excluded or left out, or like, you know God, just like, show certain people to get the blessings and left us in the dust over these parts, or something like that, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's an easy thought that we have all been guilty of at some point or another. I'm certain of right when you, when you have a newborn and everybody else's baby in the mom group is sleeping through the night and you're like a frantic mess, like an exhausted, like you're like what?
Speaker 2:what is that? Why is that? That's not you know, like, but it's the same thing. Like we all it's very easy to to see what you know think the grass is greener over there, but the truth is we don't really know what's going on over there. We just don't and and you know we can't, it just doesn't do anything to think that way. So, um, so we just have to.
Speaker 2:Uh, the truth is people, like and that's everybody wants meaning, everybody wants this happiness and this joy. And yes, I want a meaningful this or that, but like this joy. And yes, I want a meaningful this or that, but, like, if you want to have that kind of joy, you have to get honest about your pain. You got to be able to sit with your pain and underneath the pain is where the joy becomes right, like. Once I was able to sit in my grief and my pain and be honest and and then just like, accept it in a way, right Like. Then I was able to get to this point where where I feel super joyful and vibrant because, number one, I do have a great life.
Speaker 2:We have an amazing family. My son has brought so many people into our world that wouldn't be here if he wasn't here. Like he's taught us all about resilience on a whole different way. My girls are learning compassion and inclusivity and resilience also, in a way that they would never learn without him. He's made I mean, one of the best things is he's made imperfection normal right. Like I love that. Like nobody here we don't have anything to prove. Like Asher is just is normalized. Everybody's got something, we all, nobody's right. Like we've got therapists in and out. We've got all kinds of people in here and when my girls have needed help with speech or with tutoring, or reading whatever it is that comes up like nobody's offended.
Speaker 2:Nobody feels we're like well, that's what we do here, Just put it on the tab. And it's like you know, or I just think it's really just allowed us to live into this authentic life of no, like we are, what we are, you know, like like I sent my girlfriend. I have a girlfriend who lives in Newport Coast and has this like gorgeous pool with this gorgeous view of Newport Beach and.
Speaker 2:I mean she's that ocean view like, it's like beautiful right, and she's one of my best friends and I mean I was up till two o'clock in the morning dying laughing last night texting her all night because yesterday I, we, we live here at Irvine and we put my son in the backyard and one of those hard baby pools. You know, like that, you just yeah, and Asher like is so big for it, you know, and he's in his underwear, is like tidy, like huggy, and he's not potty trained, but we let him kind of rest from diapers in the afternoon, but he's in the pool with just his underwear and he's bigger than the pool and and it's this hard little fill up the pool. And I like sent it to my friend. I'm like this is our version of a pool. I was like it was just so version of a pool. I was like it was just so it was so funny.
Speaker 2:But anyway, it was like we just do it messy. You know, like it's okay, we have nothing to prove to the world, we're all a mess, all of us in some way or another, and it would all not be that way if Asher wasn't here. And yeah, so getting real with our pain, though, like you know that's when I found magic. You know that magic, that joy that you know I am so passionate. I'm here talking to you, I I love talking about like how we can all be better and you know I it's like I gave birth to this child but he gave me life. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. I think what you experienced is also like the shift out of victim mentality to like creator, and it's like, okay, this, right. Once you sit with your pain, once you accept what it is, then it's like okay, well, what are we going to do about it and how are we going to turn this into something that works for us? And stop batting my head against the window right, that's never going to break, and so I again. It feels so liberating and and very beautiful to like stop living in that the woest me mindset of why is this happening to me and why can't it change. And instead of being like, okay, but this is happening, so we're going to, we're going to forge ahead and make something magical out of it, and I just love that. It's really special.
Speaker 2:It's hard to swallow sometimes and what I want to say for your listeners, cause you know we all put pressure on ourselves to get happy again but the truth is that if you really want to have joy again, you have to feel the grief.
Speaker 2:So if you're, if you're listening to this and you're in a stage of grief, honor that you know, because grief is, let it turn inside out. And and it's sometimes we're not in the season where we need to be happy. Right now, we need to be feeling, you know, and I am where I'm at now because I am comfortable with my grief, and there are days where I even post me having pictures of me in my pajamas dropping my son off, like I walk in the office, you guys, like I just rolled out of bed and and they're like seasonal, wearing pumpkins, and you know, and it's what it is Like, if I'm having a hard day or I'm exhausted or I'm in my grief, cause there's certain things will trigger it, and I don't even try and not be, I'll just be like, yeah, I'm a mess today and I go home and I might have to just do whatever work I have to do from my bed today, in my pajamas, and just feel it the best that I can, cause, you know, we don't have just check out, but that's how.
Speaker 2:That's my version of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and well, and I think it's again, it's like surrendering to that and stop trying to like talk yourself out of it or move through it. I um, do you remember at the summit, when we were in that special class and she asked, kathy had had asked us like what are a few things you're proud of and that you like about yourself? And then once you don't. And that sweet girl like raised her hand and shared that and she was like so emotional and the whole room got so quiet because she's like I don't even know if I'm allowed to say this, but I am not proud of my kids right now. I'm not happy with with my life. I'm not happy.
Speaker 1:You know she had three. I don't know her very well, but she has three special needs. All three of her kids are special needs and she's I think she was just like really in the throes of feeling like I'm not doing anything right and they're difficult and this is hard and it's not working and right. And for her to like admit that to a room full of 150 women, who most of us are moms too in that setting, to be able to say like I'm not proud of this right now and I'm really struggling and I'm not happy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the power that created between us for her to voice that like no one shamed her over that. It was people were like like running up to give her hugs, and I think we were all sitting there feeling like I have moments that I think that too. No one shamed her over that. It was. People were like like running up to give her hugs and I think we were all sitting there feeling like I have moments that I think that too and I feel like I'm not allowed to think them because it makes me feel so guilty for admitting that sometimes I'm really unhappy with this aspect and I know I should be grateful, but I'm actually really unhappy. And so much power in that, so important.
Speaker 2:Like we can't. Every day is not meant to be happy in this life, and but the real happiness really comes from from feeling all the grief too. So like I think that one can't really exist without the other, and and I think that we need to just get honest about that, and there is so much freedom when you meet women who are honest, because it really does set us all free to be whatever the fuck it is right now. And I, you know, I struggle, oh my gosh, like I mean I was even thinking of making a post about this because a lot of it is like related to the Inside Out movie, but I I think that I struggle with my body image. Like I struggle, my weight goes up and down and and like that can feel really embarrassing for me sometimes. Um, because I make it mean like I'm some kind of failure in my head, which is all very dumb, by the way.
Speaker 2:And I'm not sure other people notice as much as I do, but it's such a profound thing for me and and I just am trying to just love all of me because you know what, like I am healthy and in I'm doing it out there Like the best I can, just like all these other moms, every mom out there. 99.9% of us are doing the best we can and we just have to start celebrating all the, even the stuff that doesn't feel great. Let's just celebrate that too. Like, yeah, I have body image issues. I can be an emotional eater and I love that part of me too because she's there, you know, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she's part of your internal family system. Who's trying to protect you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right, and I mean all I have, add, god help me. We can't ever be on time to school, like we're on this station over here. And I've also decided that's okay too, because we're an autism family and that means that the whole family has to thrive, and sometimes that means that, or a lot of the times. You know I got to go through two carpool lines Everybody. You know Asher's, in a different school, like I can't put myself all this pressure to be perfect mom. And you know I've got a friend who who's like always on time. She's like, yes, of course you're late. I'm like, yes, I'm late because we are an autism family where everybody matters.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm fighting for is that everybody matters and mom matters and moms are the first people, typical, special needs, medical. We all put ourselves last, thinking we're doing the world a favor and I'm done with that. Like we need to start saying we matter too, like that is, and that that doesn't make us selfish, like I had some moms at my retreat say oh well, does that make us selfish? And I just want to ask you like does it make you selfish to take care of yourself, or is it more selfish to not take care of yourself and then show up like a mess all the time? You know, like what is more selfish.
Speaker 2:So I mean, I could go on and on about that, but like.
Speaker 1:Well, and think about the model you are for your children of what what you're supposed to be Like. We would never tell our kids. We don't want you to do any self-care, we want you to just serve everyone else all the time. We would never tell them that we would never want that for them.
Speaker 2:No, and I just think that you know women and you know generations of women that came before us had to live in a lot of confines, like I. I don't know that everybody had the choices we have today, but the problem is is that we also don't have a lot of us don't have an example of what that looks like either, and so we have to become the example to our daughters and um, and to our kids and the world, and nobody's coming to rescue us as moms.
Speaker 2:So we got to start making ourselves matter too. That's it, and once we do that, it's amazing how everybody gets on board.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, it is. I like there is a special power that the women of the household hold, and I, I feel like like men, biologically, are hardwired to like they love to please their women, like in all levels. That's all they want is to like why they exist yeah, that's what they really want, though, is they want to be, they want to serve us and love us and make us feel amazing, and then, and that, and they want, like the validation that they're doing a good job of that back to them. And so when, when, but? But the funny thing is like they can't do that for us.
Speaker 1:It's like it's still our responsibility to to make our own lives and make ourselves happy and then find the right partner who will kind of match that with us. And so, when us women finally do start putting ourselves first, make the generational changes, because I think you're absolutely right, like I look at our parents' generation and I mean so much has changed, even just in the last 20 years, of opportunities for women and how things have changed culturally. And so when we finally make those strides and we shift the whole dynamic like there's a rumbling, but finally, when the dust kind of settles and if the woman is successfully navigated this and is finding joy and and like making the changes. I think the men are like, well, yeah, I want that, I want to be with that, I right it like it trickles down and the kids respond to that and everybody, everybody does Like.
Speaker 2:last night I had plans to go to a sound bath and Laguna beach for the summer solstice and I made plans with a friend and I told my husband, oh, I'm going there tonight, you know, and, and he worked it out, he made sure the kids had dinner. He went, and you know we have Shabbat dinner on Friday night. So he went, and you know we have Shabbat dinner on Friday night. So he went and went shopping with my daughter to buy groceries for tonight. They worked it out and you know what he made. He'll make the lunches for camp or for school.
Speaker 2:When I go with my friends and I used to be like feeling this ownership, I got to make the lunch and it has to be perfect and it has to be the things and or the kids won't eat his burrito when he makes it for them for dinner. Sometimes people like, sometimes they get upset. But if I continue blocking him from participating because I need it to be the perfect way, the perfect sandwich or the perfect burrito at dinner or I need like, then I'm creating this dynamic. I'm like signing on the dotted line saying, oh yeah, I'm okay with that, Like that's okay, but they will blow our minds, Like Adam has blown my mind when I started making myself a priority how much he wants to step up to the table to make it work for me.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely. I've found that in my marriage too it's I and I feel like poor. Sometimes poor men don't get the credit they deserve for that, but I think a lot of the time it's because we don't give them the opportunity, right Like we. We kind of bitch and complain and don't make the changes ourselves and then feel like but you're not helping and then we don't let them help.
Speaker 2:Bottom line is like you're not helping, but then it must be this exact, perfect way. And I mean, I'm a rare ADD, with a lot of OCD too. So I feel that and, and like I, I just think we have to start allowing it to be what it's going to be and we don't need to be in control. And the truth is nobody's ever in control. Anyway, we all just have this illusion that we get to control things, and thank God for my son, who's helped me learn that you know and like.
Speaker 2:I just think we need to start, as moms, saying I matter. I want my daughters to matter too someday. You know like I want them to have an example of a mother who has solid friendships in her life, that she takes care of, and a mother who works out her body. And you know I go to the gym in the morning at six o'clock and and they have to I lay everything out with them the night before. We get everything ready, but they get themselves up Like they. I mean, they get some help getting up, because that can be a thing but like themselves ready.
Speaker 2:And it's just that at first felt like overwhelming, like oh my gosh, can I leave? But wow, it's all working, everybody's okay. I got to go exercise and that might seem like at first sometimes, oh my gosh, am I a bad mom? I'm not here on some of the mornings, but I feel so much better about myself when I move my body and I know I'm healthy and I had to make that work and I made a schedule. So my husband knows the mornings that I'm gone and you know we do have a Danny who comes and helps on certain mornings and so anyway, it's just we set the stage and we don't realize how much power we have in that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely Okay. Well, I would love for you to like just kind of we can kind of get wrapped up here but I would love to hear like a little bit more about what your like day-to-day work is and how you work with these women, um, because again, you're such a niche niche, whatever the word such a special category, um, and so like I'd love to hear if you have any inspiring stories you want to share from that and then you know how can we work with you.
Speaker 2:So yeah, um, my day to day right now is really just, um, discovering, uh, the community. Like I, we, we have our meetings once a week. Um, I coach some moms one-on-one, so if anybody wants one-on-one coaching then I'm always available for that. But, like I said, a lot of my time right now is going into building the community, putting together a lot of in-person workshops or meet and greets here in Orange County, so I spend a lot of time doing that. Um, and then, uh, the chat group that I have here in Orange County. So anybody who's in Southern California who wants to come to that is always welcome. It's free. Last Friday of the month, um, and, and so that's.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just am in that world right now. Like, this is what my world is and, um, my goal, like I said, is to create a whole world online in a portal that has all kinds of things, like like the 10 must haves for a mom to go, you know, in her wardrobe, and, and you know, I want to work with people who can teach us about that, cause I know, for me, I don't know how to put outfits together super well and and a lot of these moms who live under rocks, like, like I did like they don't know, but they want to be cute. Or a lot of moms don't know how to do makeup and so I know I'm going to have somebody who can teach that in the portal and yeah, just some examples. But and there'll be regular meetings where moms can meet with other moms to share about their hard days without judgment, or just with moms who get it, you know. So that's where we're headed and, um, and we're it's just very new. So right now we meet once a week and we're discovering it on the way and I'm working towards the podcast right now.
Speaker 2:Um, so that should come soon. And my goal is just to give these moms connection and community, because there is no healing like we can heal, like in the community, like of other moms. You said when, when you say, oh, that's okay, I'm okay with this for myself and it makes it okay for me to be okay with it too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so, yeah, yeah, I think community is certainly what I'm learning in the last few years is so important that you have a container for support outside of, like your spouse, outside of just your immediate family you need. You need other people, for sure.
Speaker 2:And, if you think about it, I mean especially. I think all humans are, are wired for connection, but especially women. Right, like with all our questions, like I've always had my girl tribe, like when I was, you know, growing as a teenager, we had a lot of slumber parties and then when I was in college, I was, you know, an 80 pie in sorority and had my girl gang over there.
Speaker 2:And then in my twenties, when I was a young professional and I was, you know, single and dating, I had my group of girlfriends and we had the best time in the world going out all the time. And it's because of them that I think I've lived my fullest life, at different stages of my life and able to navigate, you know. I mean, the twenties are a giant shit show and I don't know if I could have made it without the women in my life. Honestly, and.
Speaker 2:I'm so grateful, even for the ones I'm not close with anymore. Right, we all grow and life habit, but I carry those ladies in my heart because I wouldn't be here without them. And I know that it's not different in motherhood. I just think we get busier in motherhood and then it's hard to build that, and especially hard for moms that don't get to even leave their house, right. So so we're going to change that story and I, that's my, that is what I'm doing. I'm going to make sure yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:All right, so how can listeners connect with you?
Speaker 2:Situationmamacom. So it's Situation Mama with one N, and, or on Instagram I'm at Cesare Probolsky, and then there's soon to be a Situation mama podcast. So that's not yet, but in the next few months that's definitely coming.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so excited for that.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I want to say that, like, if any mom ever just needs somebody to talk to or is struggling through a diagnosis or anything, whatever it is, we all have something. Just, I'm always available to speak to a mom. I it's really my passion that nobody's left out or alone, because it's such a hard pain to do alone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh well. This has been incredible. Thank you so much for this conversation. You're such a light. I feel very inspired just by listening to you and uplifted. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, miriam, thank you so much for having me.