Unfiltered Christian Podcast
Welcome to "Unfiltered Christian," a podcast where faith meets authenticity. Join me as we share the raw and real experiences of our Christian journey, navigating the highs and lows of life. Through heartfelt testimonials and candid conversations, we'll explore the challenges and triumphs of living a life of faith. Whether you're struggling or soaring, this podcast aims to uplift, encourage, and remind you that you're never alone in your walk with Christ. Tune in for genuine insights, relatable stories, and a community of believers striving to grow together.
Unfiltered Christian Podcast
Ep 4 - Recognising Abuse and Healing Through Faith PART 1
Have you ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of betrayal and forgiveness, unsure how to break free? Join us on the Unfiltered Christian podcast as we unravel the complexities of mental health within the Christian faith. Our special guest, Maya, courageously shares her personal journey through mental health struggles and surviving abusive relationships. Her powerful testimony sheds light on the red flags and emotional toll that such experiences can take, providing support and understanding to those facing similar challenges. Maya's story emphasizes the significance of faith and resilience, offering hope to listeners who may feel isolated in their struggles.
In another thought-provoking segment, we delve into the heart-wrenching experiences of a woman caught in a three-year relationship marred by her partner's repeated infidelities. We explore the devastating cycle of betrayal, forgiveness, and insecurity that erodes self-esteem and self-worth. The discussion provides valuable insights into the complexities of leaving an unhealthy relationship, especially when emotions and circumstances are deeply intertwined. Through this story, we offer advice and support for those grappling with similar emotional entanglements, highlighting the courage required to make such difficult decisions.
We also tackle the profound impact of emotional and psychological abuse in intimate relationships. Through personal anecdotes, we uncover the manipulative behaviors that exploit vulnerabilities and the significant red flags indicating an unhealthy dynamic. We underscore the importance of recognizing these warning signs and the bravery needed to break free from toxic environments. Finally, we share essential mental health resources, encouraging listeners to seek help and raise awareness for those in need. Stay tuned as Maya continues to inspire with more of her compelling story in future episodes.
Thank you for Listening
To ask us a question email us @ unfilteredchristian1@gmail.com
Welcome to Unfiltered Christian with Cece and Shea.
Speaker 2:Come and join us on an authentic journey through the highs and lows of our Christian faith.
Speaker 1:Where we'll be holding nothing back. Hey everybody, welcome back to the Unfiltered Christian podcast. If I sound a bit low it's because I've got bronchitis, but I'm here, we've made it. Today we're doing a special day, we've got a special guest. We'll be talking about mental health.
Speaker 1:Mental health in some cultures is seen as taboo and in some families it's seen as you're not strong enough. And within the Bible, I was looking at different characters who probably went through mental health Jonah he wanted to commit suicide. Job he lost everything. Tamar, she was sexually abused. And Joseph, his brothers sold him off to slavery him off to slavery. And with all that being said, last year, within the UK statistics of November, 1.86 million people were diagnosed with a mental health issue. Many people don't even know what types of mental health issues they are, and I just wanted to list some. They are, and I just wanted to list some, and that's anxiety, behaviour and emotional disorder, depression, panic attacks, paranoia, dissociation disorder, body dysmorphia and obsessive compulsive disorder. And, with all of that being said, somebody that you know, or that you may know, or even yourself, may have gone through some of these things. And I just want to leave you with two Bible texts, the first one being Psalms 34, verses 17. It says the righteousness, cry out and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. And Deuteronomy 31, verses 8, says and the Lord, he is the one who goes before you, he will be with you, he will not leave you nor forsake you. Do not fear or do not be dismayed.
Speaker 1:Now, today we've got a special guest called Maya who's on the show, and she's a survivor. She has been through some of the mental health types that I have listed. She's been in two mental health abusive relationships and she's going to be giving her testimony. Say welcome, maya, thank you for your vulnerability. Her testimony and say welcome, maya, thank you for your vulnerability. And she's going to be explaining the red flag. She's going to be talking to her younger self, her older self, some of the signs that you probably see or or may feel like you're foolish. And this is not just for women. This is for men as well, because men go through mental abusive relationships as well. So, maya, welcome to Unfiltered Christian Podcast. How are you?
Speaker 2:Thank you. Thank you, it's actually an honour to be here and I'm actually excited to tell my story and, hopefully, even if it helps one person, um, I feel that you know, this podcast would have done itself justice. So, um, yeah, I'm well.
Speaker 1:Thank you, I'm very well, amen, amen, um. So nobody just walks straight into an abusive relationship. So my first question to you is how did you get into your first relation, your first abusive relationship? Um, what was it like in the beginning? How did you end up there? Talk us through.
Speaker 2:okay, um, how did I enter into it? Okay, so I guess, if I'm going to be 100% transparent, I went into it from heartbreak. So I met this amazing man, who was a child of God, you know, and I fell in love. Who was a child of God, you know, and I fell in love, but unfortunately, because I guess I was at the beginning of my spiritual journey and I'd also had a child outside of marriage and it was a lot of things that I was sort of juggling. You know, being a first time mum was sort of juggling, um, you know, being a first-time mum and walking with God.
Speaker 2:And then I met this amazing man, fell in love, if you want to call it that, um, and I thought things were going in that direction because he even mentioned that you know, he'd spoken to his mum about marrying me, um, but I think a lot of it was to do with me being of the world or coming from the world, um, so, for example, I had had a tattoo and that was a no-no, um, and I didn't know the bible as well as I guess he did, and his family, um, so in the end, I think he got cold feet and was just like you know, he can't um commit to me even though he wants to. Yeah, and that was his proper first um relationship um as well how old was that at the?
Speaker 2:time 25. I believe I was 25 um, and so I guess my daughter would have been about one at the time.
Speaker 1:And for those who the listeners who may not have heard ever in their life like dating somebody who is of the world. If you could just explain a bit more what that means to you.
Speaker 2:Okay. So, although I believed in God, I guess never sort of read the Bible. I guess I only called on God if I was struggling with something. I went out partying, drinking not excessively, but you know, you go out to a bar, you're drinking, just not really putting God in my everyday and yeah, just, I can't really explain it um more than that really, um, complete it's a bit.
Speaker 1:Basically, it's completely different to what, how I am now, but I'll explain that later on yeah um in the show but um, so it's basically not being a child of God, fully so you're not following the laws of the. Lord okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I was heartbroken and I think I was heartbroken for a while and then I guess how I entered into the new relationship following that one. I was actually friends with the person and I wasn't instantly attracted to him like that he was. He was a nice enough person, um, and I guess our friendship grew. He was also what at the time I believed he was also a man of God. Um, he welcomed my daughter and he treated me in a way to show that he accepted me for who I was and he also accepted my daughter, just based off the things that he he'd said and the things that he do, and for us both. And I guess that kind of drew me in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the plaster was put under bandage.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and that's a very good point, because now, looking back on it, I should have healed that wound first, in terms of my first heartbreak, before I jumped into something else, trying to yeah, like, but yeah, put like if, like you said, put a band-aid on it or a plaster on it.
Speaker 1:so that's how I got into that relationship okay, so we're gonna call this person partner one. Um, so it's not easier. So with partner one. He told you everything that you wanted to hear and gave you the security of your daughter and man of god. Um, so you could walk together, be in the light together, and he seemed brand new. He was that shiny diamond that you picked up and think, wow, somebody that not only accepts me but accepts my daughter as well. Did you guys go to church together at all?
Speaker 2:So, yes, we did Not many times. I did meet him in church as well.
Speaker 2:so, as a best, friend so obviously we'll meet up together and he'd be there at certain events, um, and things like that. But when we got into the relationship, um, yeah, we did go a couple of times, um. So you know I was excited because he did say that you know, in his previous relationship he wasn't able to, you know, pray, do devotion and things like that, because his partner at the time didn't believe in God. So he was happy to be with me so we could fellowship together and, you know, bring God into our union and things like that. So that sold me. I'm not going to lie, you know I was like oh excellent, this is amazing.
Speaker 2:You know we can walk together, we can learn together, we can build each other up?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Did you do. Did you do any of those things Like did you used to have worship together, devotion together? Did you do any of?
Speaker 2:those things like did you used to have worship together, devotion together? No, I bought books um, devotion books um, and I think what would happen is if we got into a disagreement or an argument, then that's when he would bring it up. Oh, let's do the devotion then, and then. So it was. It would kind of like shut me up. Okay, if you get what I mean.
Speaker 1:So and was before you met partner one. Was you a regular church goer before you met him, or?
Speaker 2:um, yes, I was. I got baptized at 24, I believe yeah, because my first daughter was only a few months old. Yeah, so I got baptized at 24 and I'll be going to church regularly each week.
Speaker 1:Okay. And then when you met him, that's when church started to fall out. Yeah, yes, crazy, church started to fall out. Yeah, yes, crazy. So I guess I guess there's a first few red flags here, um, because it's like, well, I'm not saying the first red flag is that you make them in church. That's not the flag, that's not the red flag, but it's the fact that he sold you empty promises and you yourself couldn't even see that what he promised you, you guys wasn't even doing. Even though you bought the material, you guys wasn't actually practicing.
Speaker 1:And then, when you had a disagreement which is a good thing, by the way, guys, we're not saying it's not um with anybody. Um, whether it be platonic or not, family members, um, friendships, husband or wife, we should always try to turn to the lord um when we're in a disagreement. So my second question to you was everything is nice and rosy, um, you're having disagreements, which is normal, because we all have disagreements. Where did you think it went wrong? What was your first? Your first thing, because everybody gets it, everybody gets their first. Well, we get flags all the time, but we ignore them because we think it's not that bad. What was the first one for you?
Speaker 2:the first one, I guess, was finding out that he was still entertaining other females.
Speaker 1:And this was early on in your relationship.
Speaker 2:This was probably within the first three months. Okay, no, probably after the first three. I'll say about month four because the first three months was amazing. He was showering me with gifts, he was doing the absolute most. Um, that should have been a red flag, actually, um, to me, because it was, it was pretty intense, um, it was intense, but I just thought, okay, well, this is what love is. You know, he loves me, um, he wants to be with me and you know we were friends before. So what could possibly, you know, be wrong with this? Um? So I'll say about month four, month five that's when I found out he was still entertaining um females, that he was previously entertaining before we got together, um, and I called him out on it, um, and then, you know, he I was said, I literally ended it there and then I said look, this can't be um and then did he find out through, like looking for his phone or something so yeah.
Speaker 2:So he left his phone on. It was around mid, about one o'clock in the morning, um, and the light, um, it kept me awake. So I just went to go and just switch it off. I had no intention at all to look through it, but because I'd seen it's weird what your eyes are drawn to. I saw Miss you in the conversation and then that led me to think, hmm, okay, who is this that you're talking to?
Speaker 1:then Okay, pause. Let's pause a minute Just in case, because I've got a question. I don't know if the viewers had this question. Listeners, sorry, was you guys living together?
Speaker 2:No. Okay, so he's just come over to stay yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then so I saw it was a female and she had said she missed him too. And then I went down that rabbit hole. I like started going through other messages. Yeah, I saw pictures.
Speaker 2:I saw another um conversation from another female um, where he was like, oh, I'm gonna come over. I looked at the day it was literally two days before we had and I was just like, oh my gosh, like who is this person? Yeah, um, there must have been about five females and I couldn't take any more, so I had to stop after the fifth one because I just I was just upset by that time. So I asked him to leave, which he did. And then the next morning he was like had flowers on my car, an apology note, oh, wow, on your car, on my car, all of this stuff.
Speaker 2:But then, you know, I gave in and then, so you questioned him about it, I, and then he was yeah. So I questioned him about it and he said that, um, you know, he's really sorry, he is trying to let these women go, um, and he does only want to be with me. Um, he's just made a mistake, I don't. You know now that I'm saying it out loud, I'm just like oh my gosh, how silly, but um it's not silly, it was just that he was just mentally low at that time just for viewers listening, you're never stupid or silly when you look back.
Speaker 1:We all have a low point of times in our life where we feel like this is what we need, this is what we want and, as they say, love is blind it is, and also, I think where my mind was at the time was I'm trying to get into, you know, a Christian community.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to have a walk with God. But, already in my head. I was just like I'm blacklisted because I've already got a child. You know, I didn't grow up in the church. No one's going to want me or take me seriously properly because I've got a child.
Speaker 2:So all of these things were going through my head and I guess, when partner one came along and he accepted me, obviously from my initial love yeah, the initial heartbreak I was just like, oh my gosh, okay, maybe this is. I've got to go through all of this to get him to where I need him to be. So, okay, I'll forgive him, you know. You know, god is about forgiveness. I'll give him another chance.
Speaker 1:Um, so that's where my, my, so you thought he was your karma for the life he lived um no, not so much karma.
Speaker 2:I just thought that he, that was the best I could probably get okay in the sense that I basically didn't feel or believe that anybody else would want me. I didn't even believe that he would want me because I've got my daughter right, if you get what I mean um so the fact that she was so young. She was so young and he took an interest in her and he also took an interest in me and I was just like, oh my gosh, this man is serious. So it was that kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay. So it was the messages in the phone, flowers, so the, the gifts again. So the gifts in the first three months, and then the gifts again, showering with you, showering, showering you, sorry, um, and then you gave in. And how long was it good again for that period of time?
Speaker 2:I would say it was up and down. For the first three years of our relationship I found a lot of again evidence of him cheating other women from work, women from places where he used to go for his hobbies that he liked. So it would be in the case of like emails, and I guess you know people were thinking why did you keep going through his phone, especially if you knew what you were going to find? This, that and the other. And again, a lot of it is to do with insecurity and I think once it happened the first time, my confidence took a knock. It happened a second time. My confidence took an even greater knock, took an even greater knock.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, and then you know, my, my daughter was getting older, um, and I'm just like, okay, now I'm starting to feel, um, just inferior. Now I don't feel good about myself. You know there's something wrong with me because he keeps cheating on me. But at the same time I didn't have the strength to leave because I was just like, okay, he keeps saying he's sorry. He keeps saying he's sorry, he wants to work things through, I keep taking him back. You know, at the time I didn't realize there was a problem with the way I was feeling and thinking um. But yeah, this went on for three years.
Speaker 1:Okay, three years. And that was like the him cheating, you finding out, forgiving him, yeah, and I think you said some key things there that you felt insecure about yourself. You started blaming yourself for why he was cheating and you didn't feel good about yourself and also feeling like nobody else would want you because he's taken you on with a young child. That's really deep. That's really really deep. And what was your next red flags? So this is three years in.
Speaker 2:This is three years in. This is three years in. I think the last one was when, um, he, um, so many are trying to figure out which one was the last one. Take your time that that one, three years. So the last last one was finding out that he'd met somebody. So he lied about where he was going. He said he was with a friend and I was trying to call because it got late, around midnight. By this time we were living together and it got late and around midnight I hadn't heard from him and usually he would let me know that he's okay or he's on his way home. So I called the friend that. He said that he was with the friend, was at home, sleeping. He wasn't with that person.
Speaker 2:Um, so then I started getting like irritated.
Speaker 2:You know, obviously the first thing I want to think is he's with a woman yeah eventually I got through to him, he said that he was with said friend and I was just like, don't lie to me, because I've called this friend. And they said you're not there, you're not with them. And then eventually he told me the truth. He's like oh, I wanted to go to this place, so I went alone. But by that time I just had enough of the lies and I said when you get back, we're done, that's it. You need to leave. So that was that he had left. He did leave. Okay, he begged and pleaded I wasn't hearing it.
Speaker 2:He even went and traveled to my aunt's um, who doesn't live in London, um, to prove how sorry he was, all of this stuff, to talk to her. Um, he did the most, he did the absolute most, and I think what did it for me because I I let him back in was he broke down in front of me and I've never seen him cry. Okay, um, just want to make that clear. I've never seen him cry. He broke down and he said that you know, um, he was just going through a lot um, from his childhood. You know, um, that's what makes him always want women, um, and you know he wants to go counseling. He wants to make this work, all of this stuff, um, and so I gave in, and I think why I gave in was because he told me he'd gone through stuff as a kid. Okay, um, nothing to you know, um upsetting or anything but it.
Speaker 1:I don't know you reasoned with him.
Speaker 2:I reasoned he became vulnerable yes, yeah, and I've never seen that side to him before. So I was like, okay, he's trying to open up to me. You know we can work on this, we. You know he can go counselling, I can support him. And then he came back and I'll say, within two months I found that I was pregnant, obviously, and it's not obvious. But I was happy, um praises be. Every child is a blessing, exactly, um. But at the same time I was very down about it because I knew how our relationship went for the first three years in terms of the cheating and the lying, and now that I'm with his, I've got his child, I was just like what does my life have in store for me now, you know, whereas before I was sort of free enough to leave if I wanted to yeah now you know I'm tied for him yeah yeah, forever now.
Speaker 2:Um, and does that mean he's going to? You know I'm going to get bigger, I might have spots, I might do you know? I mean, is that going to be another reason for him to cheat, you know? Um, so yeah, that was a massive thing for me. Um, mentally trying to process um, the pregnancy.
Speaker 1:I thought we'll have a minute to pause and, and what would be? Obviously, your life has changed and we're gonna go into that later on, but for anybody who is listening, who is going through a similar experience, um, what would be your advice to them? Because many people say, oh, why don't you leave? Or it's easy to just get up and leave, but it's you've, you've lived it, you've been through it. What? How could you help other men and women, whether young and old? How? What would be your advice to them?
Speaker 1:I would say, I guess, now being through it, I would say and we're particularly talking about, like the cheating, because there's many people that is in a relationship where they're with a serial cheater and some people say like, oh, just walk away, or why is he or she still there? Or people who's actually in your shoes, that is a single parent and is actually settling for somebody who's a serial cheater. What?
Speaker 2:would be your strength for them.
Speaker 2:I would say to walk away. It's weird because, because you know, I had people saying that to me and when you're when you're in it, it is very hard um. So I do get why a lot of women do stay um in relationships like that, and men too, to be honest with you, um, but I guess walking away um definitely is, even with a child. Um, because I guess why I say this is some people are really good at reading you, knowing your weaknesses, and that's another thing that I did. I let him into my personal world. You know a bit too much. I told him about my childhood. I told him about my experiences growing up, what I went through, and there was a lot of times that he did play on that and he used that against me to keep me stuck.
Speaker 2:So that's why I can confidently say you know, if they are mentally draining you, you're noticing drastic changes in yourself. You know I didn't want to leave my home. I looked in the mirror. I used to see, just see, just death, literally. I hated the way that I looked, got rid of all my clothes, hardly went out. Um, if you're noticing anything like that, you know leave, and even if, for example, you're explaining to them how you're feeling. They're not taking it on. It's going in one ear and out the other.
Speaker 1:You know, leave um yeah, I'd also say excluding you from friends and family um, because I know Maya um, and there was one point as well that I could talk on because we spoke about it, and I bought her a blender and I drove all the way up to her house because she lives in Timbuktu and I was ringing ringing the doorbell and she would always answer and I always remember that that's not her character.
Speaker 1:And I sent a message to basically said like, oh, I left the gift on the. I was able to get in to where she lived to just put the gift outside and I was just about to go and I remember a message saying like I can come, and I remember him opening the door and the whole aura just felt controlled. The whole aura just felt controlled. And I think I know women sometimes do it naturally when it's taken them so long to find a boyfriend that they distance themselves naturally. But that's also a massive red flag because when you distance yourself and you put your partner not saying that your friends or family should be first, but when you don't have a balanced relationship, it's so much easier for somebody who's an abuser to keep you in a box and nobody will know. So I think that's another thing to be very mindful of 100%.
Speaker 2:Definitely, because you're. But the thing is, when you're in it you don't realize it either you know, and that was one of the biggest things. I didn't really realize it. Um, it's not until I got out of it and I look back on the situation, um that I realised what was happening yeah um, and I think also a lot of it was to do with, again, what I had experienced growing up so unhealed trauma.
Speaker 2:You know, um, and how I saw myself and what I believed that I was worth. Um, so that does play a major part in it. Um, without going too much into my backstory, but when you've grown up in a household where it's chaos, you know emotional abuse, physical abuse do you know what I mean? Like you kind of think that's the norm, yeah, so then when you go and find a partner or have a partner that is similar or is giving you the similar experiences, the similar feelings that you felt when you were younger, it kind of feels like the norm to you. Um, and that's what you're used to. Um, so, again, that's something else and that played a major part in it. But um, yeah, okay, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:So where do you think your next big red flag came? Because these was the little mini ones. You're now having a child. Um, you're happy within yourself that you're bringing a new boy or girl into the world, but at the same time, you're scared because he's already cheating on you without a stomach, and you go through all different types of symptoms when you're having a child. What was the next thing? Or was he on his best behaviour during pregnancy?
Speaker 2:He was on his best behaviour for a bit, I'll say, halfway through the pregnancy he started to turn a bit I wouldn't say nasty, but he was very dismissive of me. Um, he didn't really take my feelings into consideration. Um, he was changing, okay, and yeah, he was changing, so I'll leave it as that. Um, so we, we had an argument. I remember we had an argument once, um, pretty heated one, and I I think I was five months pregnant as well um, and from that moment, I was just like this man doesn't actually care, like I'm carrying his child and this is what he's putting me through. Um, and I remember we had the wedding to go to the next day, um, and after the pretty heated argument, um, he was like, oh, come on, then let's go. And I was like to where, like I'm still, you know, upset from the night before, you know, because, like I said, it was heated and I was just like so what? We're now gonna go to this wedding and pretend that everything's okay? Um, and that's what he did.
Speaker 2:A lot, you know. He would cause a scene, um, or cause an argument, um, and then, within seconds or the next day, he would act like nothing's happened, there's no sorry, there's no apologies or anything. Don't get me wrong. You know I'm wasn't the same either in terms of, like, my, my anger and my frustration, but it was because I felt unsafe. Yeah, um, like mentally, um, I was all on eggshells. So, my, I had a short fuse, um, you know, to the point where I'll be on my phone and if I heard him coming, I'll quickly put my phone bar under my bed or under my pillow. Sorry, because I didn't want him to see me on the phone, because he would make little comments about me being on the phone. You know, if I hear him coming in through the door, I have to make sure that I'm tidying up or I'm doing something Like I could never let him see me relaxing. And if, on the off chance, so he was like a parent figure, yeah, sort of thing.
Speaker 2:And any time he would see me on my phone he would make a comment like oh, you're always on your phone, oh, you're always on your phone. You can't live without your phone, can you? And I was just like I've just literally spent the whole day working, looking after the kids. You know x, y and z, and this is literally my downtime. I was probably on it for like two, three minutes responding to a message, you know. So, yeah, I just didn't feel comfortable, I didn't feel at ease. You know, your home is meant to be your peace. Yeah, um, it wasn't my peace, um, and there was, I don't know if you remember. Actually there was a time where I called you and I just started crying.
Speaker 2:I was coming from work, and then you were like, what's the matter? And I was just like, oh, I just have anxiety about something. And then you were like, oh, you know, it's partner one at home. I was like, yeah, like you literally bless you, like I was on the m25 as well, like you helped me through. And then we realized that it was because of a financial situation that I had to explain to partner one, um, and or no, we had to discuss finances or something like that, and that's what got me like anxious, because again it was control. He was very like, um, controlling the money side of things, um, in terms of what I spent, um, and if I had to speak to him about, you know, nursery fees or whatnot, he would want receipts, he would want invoices. Show me what I need to pay. It just wasn't. I have no recollection. You know, you don't?
Speaker 1:oh my, gosh, I have no recollection. You literally calm me down when you pray to the Lord to help me to forgive somebody and remove the things. So he's removed everything. Okay, that's a good prayer as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but um sorry, I kind of digressed a bit. But your question back to your question, which was what was the next red flag.
Speaker 2:You were now dealing with financial abuse um as well yeah, um, but I guess the next red flag was my daughter, the, my eldest daughter, so not the one that I had with him. He started to treat her differently, um, and it was from the birth of our daughter and that was a red flag for me. Um, and it started to make me feel very uncomfortable. A red flag for me, and it started to make me feel very uncomfortable. Um, and when it comes to children, like I don't play, so I, in my head, I started to switch off from him. My feelings started to switch off. Everything just started to switch off. Um, because I was just like this is what you're doing to my child emotionally you know, um, you know she was, you know she was you.
Speaker 2:You talked to her, you treated her amazing like at the beginning, the first three years, and then when we had our daughter, you know, I saw a major difference, um, and that's when I got exhausted because I felt like I had to keep protecting my eldest, you know, sticking up for her, you know, questioning, you know, and things like that.
Speaker 1:So that was the next thing, I suppose Wow, yeah, so you're now going through mental abuse, you're going through anxiety, you're going through depression, body dysmorphia, control, control, financial abuse. Um, he's now like taking this position of being like a father, because you've got to make sure you're not idle and doing something yeah, as well as being a parent going to work, coming home. And this is what, four years in now yeah, four years in, um, and if we've asked, yeah, go on.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I just wanted to say before I forget, like we did have good times. So when the good times were like, so when we had good times, they were really, really good, and I just want to highlight that. Okay, because with me, especially, if I had a good time or a good period of time like that went by, I would forget the bad, okay, um, and that's just with me personally, and then I wouldn't remember the bad until another bad incident happened. So it was just like things would get bad. I'll feel crap and then it'll be good again. So it's like the highs and the lows. You know, like a hit, you get like a hit, you know You're on a roller coaster Right.
Speaker 2:So that gets you trapped as well in this cycle of abuse, the highs and the lows. So I want to make that clear Is your love language gifts. I don't know. I've never known what my love language was, because I thought it was like words of affirmation. But is it gifts? Maybe it is because I like receiving them.
Speaker 1:It makes me think about love languages and if you're dealing with somebody who's in a manipulator and they and they know that that's something that they can get you with. Do you know what I mean? Just for our listeners, bear in mind as well. So what was your last red flag? I've got two questions what was your last red flag and what was the year of your relationship at that point?
Speaker 2:where you were just like I'm going you were just like I'm going.
Speaker 2:The last red flag was another cheating incident with a colleague of his um, and that would have been in year seven of our relationship. Okay, it so. I was with him for nine years, um, but at this point, um. So, yeah, so throughout it, throughout so, from I'll say, year four to year nine, I was slowly deteriorating, um to the point where I lost so much weight. You know, I was always sick, even to the point he kept saying to me oh, you're always ill, every day. And I kid you not, there was something wrong with me. It could be a migraine, it could be a stomach pain, my back, my neck, my nose, every single day, there was something wrong with me and I genuinely believed there was something wrong, like I was dying or something, and you know what. And I was going to the doctors. They couldn't find anything and you know what, as soon as I left him, I was fine. I was absolutely fine.
Speaker 1:Where did that ammunition come from? To actually say come out of my yard, say come out of my yard, um.
Speaker 2:So this is where partner two comes, comes along. But I guess what had happened is that I'd lost my grandma, who was very dear to me, and she was like she was a mother to me. She was my mother in a sense, you know, alongside my own actual mum, and losing her was a mother to me. She was my mother in a sense, you know, alongside my own actual mum and losing her was a big deal. And I guess how he treated me once I lost her, you know it questioned. I was just like I've just lost my grandmother and you're talking to me and you're treating me quite negatively. This is like literally the next day, oh wow, next two days after, um, and I guess it got me thinking because by that time my mind has checked out from him, my body had checked out like I was just now. It's like I was on autopilot just going through each day, you know. So I had left that relationship already, mentally and physically, but Did you leave, god, I just hadn't, within those nine years, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, oh gosh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I didn't pray, I didn't read the Bible, I didn't do anything. So nine years of my life without god? Oh wow, I didn't even realize that until wow, yeah, nine years, um wow, sorry, I didn't even realize.
Speaker 1:And he didn't mention anything. There was no more of the materials coming into play, there was nothing, no and nothing.
Speaker 2:Well, like I said during those nine years, like if we had an argument or something and he saw that I was, you know, like just disinterested in what you had to say and just fed up, then he'd be like, oh, come on, let's pray, you know, let's do the devotion, but what?
Speaker 1:I did do?
Speaker 2:I remember you actually suggested to get like these books for the kids. So I was still doing the devotion with the kids, yeah, but I wasn't doing anything for myself. Okay, if you get what I mean, yeah, yeah, so every night before bed they'll you know we do devotion, you know they'll say their prayers, but that's where it stopped okay.
Speaker 1:So you was doing devotion because you, even though you were doing it with the children, you were the lord was creeping, coming back into your life. You just didn't know it.
Speaker 2:I just didn't know it, but I didn't feel any like. I'll be very honest, this is unfiltered. I didn't feel anything yeah, so I was just doing it knowing yeah, and I knew it was good for the kids to do it, yeah, but like I had mentally checked out from even God, and that's honesty.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is honesty. Well, guys, this is part one, and we want to people to know that there are helplines out there. Um, if you are feeling like you are, you're feeling suicidal, they're all within the UK. I'm not sure outside of the UK, but within the UK we have the Samaritans line. They're 24 hours, 365 days a week. You can call them on 116 123. That's 116 123. They're free from any phone.
Speaker 1:Um, if you want to email them, you can email them at joe, which is joe at samaritansorg. If you're experiencing mental health or know anybody with mental health, you can call the same line on 0300 304 7000. That's 0300 304 7000. And if you are a person that prefers to text, there's an organization called shout. You can text them on 85258. That's 85258. It's confidential, it's 24 7. All of the numbers or the emails that I've given out is a confidential line. Um, if you know somebody struggling, pass on and it will be in the description below. Thank you, maya, for coming and being part with us and for those you're going to have to wait for part two, where she'll be talking about partner number two and how she transitioned and where she is with her life, with the Lord, so stay tuned and, you know, I just hope to just raise awareness and, you know, help those that are in need and going through something similar.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, thank you for giving me the opportunity to share part one of my story.