Ep 25 - Both Sides of Grief

Grief strikes without warning, respecting no schedules or expectations. One moment you're functioning, the next you're struggling to breathe – yet somehow the world expects you to keep moving forward as if nothing has changed.

This deeply personal episode explores both sides of the grief journey – what it means to be grieving and what it means to support someone through their grief. Drawing from my own recent loss and ongoing journey after my sister's passing in March, I share the challenging reality of grief's timeline not aligning with society's expectations. When breathing feels like work and the simplest tasks become mountains to climb, the disconnect between your internal reality and external expectations creates an impossible burden.

Scripture offers us wisdom through passages like Ecclesiastes 3:4 which reminds us that Yahuwah allows time for mourning. This divine permission stands in stark contrast to a world that often seems impatient with grief, expecting quick "recovery" and consistent behavior. But grief changes us. It shifts our personalities, disrupts our focus, and transforms our responses – all perfectly natural reactions to profound loss.

For those supporting grievers, presence trumps perfection. Sometimes a simple "I'm thinking of you" message or sitting in comfortable silence communicates more love than attempted solutions or platitudes. Your grace during a griever's inconsistent days – when they might seem fine one moment and shut down the next – creates sacred space for healing. As Romans 12:15 guides us, "Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep," even when you don't fully understand their pain.

Remember that grief isn't something to "get over" – it's something to get through. The tears that come years later when hearing a song or remembering a birthday aren't signs of regression; they're testaments to love that continues beyond death. In our shared vulnerability, we can hold onto the promise of Revelation 21:4, that one day every tear will be wiped away. Until then, we carry each other with gentleness, extending grace in both directions.

If you're grieving today, know that you're seen, you're held, and you're not alone. Your inconsistency is welcome here.

Transcript

Introduction to Grief's Reality

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Shalom Saints, welcome back to the Unfiltered Christian podcast. It's your girl Cece. I'm alone today. And I've been contemplating if I should put this out, but I've prayed about it and ya has pushed me forward. Um I've been talking to other grievers and I realize that there's a common pattern that all grievers go through and they've been scared to talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Um because it might make the situation worse, and because they're grieving, they don't want more on their plate. And so I decided to talk about it as it's something that has been heavy on my heart as well.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

And it's something that I know that so many of us go through and are dealing with quietly, daily, weekly, yearly, whenever it may be.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

And that is grief. So on this episode I'll be talking about grief from both sides.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

My sister passed away on the 1st of March, and we're now in July.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Marks four months. We still haven't buried her yet.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Um by the grace of Yah, she will be buried this month. Amen. My uncle's in a critical care. I'm in a strange place. I'm in a strange place, Saints.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

I'm in painful limbo. Um, you may hear me pause because I'm going through a lot.

The Heart of a Griever

SPEAKER_01 2:12

I really am. I'm really gonna try and edit these episodes and get them out to you. Um so you will be seeing episodes come out. I am gonna sit down and I'm gonna edit them and put them all out for you guys. Because we have been working behind the scenes, but um I just need to edit them.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

I haven't been in the the right mental space to edit and put out, but I will. And with all of that, you're in a world that expects you to keep moving like nothing has changed.

How to Support Someone Grieving

SPEAKER_01 3:07

But every ha everything has changed for the individual who has lost a loved one. And I want to talk about that. What it means to grieve, what it means to be around somebody who's grieving. Grief doesn't come with a schedule, it doesn't follow a calendar, it doesn't respect work shifts, deadlines, or daily chores. Grief, it doesn't get it shows up without an invitation. Sometimes you feel it instantly, sometimes it may take many years to hit you. Five years, ten years, twenty years. It just hit you like a wave, like a tsunami. You didn't see it coming. But both of them are valid, whether it hits you instantly or it hits you years later. Ecclesiastes 3 verses 4 says there's a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Let that remind us that Yahuwah always allows time for sorrow, and we need to allow ourselves and others that time too. Let's talk about it from the heart of a griever. When you're grieving, some days getting out of bed feels like too much. Replying to a text message or voice note feels like too much. Sometimes life itself feels like too much. But what makes it harder is when the world expects you to function like nothing's changed. They expect your personality, your output, your responses to all remain the same. But you're not the same person. Something in you has shifted. Whether you've lost a child, a parent, a partner, a sibling, a family member, a friend, a mentor, even a pet. Grief is grief, and it all deserves grace. Sometimes the pain is so heavy that you don't even realize that you're not yourself. I want to give you an example. I remember when my aunt was in a coma, it was very touch and go that I was going into work and I couldn't focus properly. I was making so many mistakes, so many mistakes. And honestly, I wasn't even aware that I was making them. Everybody in my team was smiling in my face, but behind my back, they were complaining to my manager. But one thing that my manager knew about me was that I was excellent at my job, and she knew that something was wrong. She pulled me aside and she was just like, Cece, what's going on? You know, a few people have been commenting about XYZ.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Um, she was just like, I just want to know like what's going on, and I burst into tears and I told her and she embraced me.

Grace for Both Sides

SPEAKER_01 6:50

And you know, one thing that she did, she didn't add to my load, she lightened my load. That kind of grace sticks with you, especially in a workplace, because a lot of workplaces are really cutthroat. Because when somebody sees your pain instead of just your performance, that's love in action. If you know someone, a family member, a friend, a neighbor, work colleague, church member, whatever it may be, whatever setting you're in, and they're su suddenly they're just off, check in with them. Especially if you know that they're going through something and one minute they're fine, and then the next minute they're not. Ask them, are you okay? Can I do anything? Bearing in mind that they're gonna wear a mask before letting your own feelings take the wheel. Because grief can cause changes that are unpredictable. Some days the person may seem fine, other days they may shut down. It doesn't mean that they love you any less, it just means that we are hurting. We are hurting, like sometimes, especially with social media right now. Like, some people would send somebody a message, like I don't know, like, hey bro, I'm just checking in, and they don't respond, but they might be uploading statuses on like Instagram. That's their time where they can be free and laugh. It's nothing personal, it's not oh, they didn't respond, but they're update. No, don't look at it like that. It's their time where they could just be in a space, a safe space, where they could just laugh and be free of having to deal with actually their their emotions with how they're feeling. It's not personal. And to my fellow grievers, I know sometimes it's hard to find the words. Communication becomes an effort. It really does. But when people check in, if you can, I want to repeat that, if you can, try to respond. Even if it's I appreciate you, I just need me time today. I'll check in with you later. And if you mentally cannot respond, don't do not feel guilty.

SPEAKER_00 9:41

For those around us, don't take silence personal. It's not about you, it is not about you.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Like, it is just hard for us, like literally hard. Because you expect us to be the same, but we're not and it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

And can I say something that needs to be said?

Living with Loss Long-Term

Closing Prayer and Encouragement

SPEAKER_01 10:09

Because this was this was one that came up a lot. Grief doesn't make sense to everybody, especially when you cannot relate. Like, for example, some people don't understand when people are crying over their horse, their dog, their goldfish. But for somebody, they just love their they just love their pet so much, and it was a loss. But for you, you might not understand. But for them, their love, their life has now been interrupted. So when you're questioning somebody's grief because it doesn't make sense to you, it's only deepening their pain. And there's got a saying, like, if you don't have anything good to say, don't say nothing at all. Don't even talk about it to somebody because it will get back to that person, and it would it would hurt them even more, you know. So sometimes we don't understand, understand stuff, and that's okay. Not everything that we can understand. You might not be an animal person, and that is okay too. Romans 12 15 says, Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Even if you don't fully understand the why, honor the what. Honour the person's heart. You know, one thing I've noticed is how grief changes the way people treat you. Suddenly, because they're not getting the best of you, their love changes, their energy sifts. But in those moments, saints, when our loved ones turn, well, I wouldn't say turn against us, but change towards us because they're no longer getting the best of us. Let Psalm 7326 hold you up. It says, My flesh and my heart may fail, but Yahuwah is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I'll read it again. But Yahuwah is my strength of my heart and my portion forever. And it's just to show you that even when our loved ones change, because we're not the best of us, let us not look at them side-eye. Because the Bible said states as well that you cannot rely on man, like man will always fail you. So whenever people change, you just have to just let it go because you're you're dealing with so much already internally and externally. So to those grieving right now, you're not alone. It's okay not to be okay, it's okay to be inconsistent, and I repeat that again. It is okay to be inconsistent. Because when you're not grieving, life is hard as it is already. So when you are grieving, it's okay to be inconsistent, and unfortunately, people just have to live with it. People just have to live that, you know. I like Ecclesiastes when it says there's a time for everything, because the Bible says where two or three are gathered, he is there, and we're meant to carry each other's burdens. So we're not meant to just be there for people when they're winning, or there for people when they could help you. You also have to return the favor. Sometimes you may not be good at words, sometimes you might not know, you might feel it might make you feel uncomfortable because that person is not the same anymore. Pray. As I said previously, like just send a message like thinking of you, hope you are well. They may not respond, but they know that. Oh, that's nice. This person just messaged me, and most importantly, like Yahoo sees you even when others don't. Now, let's talk about being around somebody who's grieving because it's not easy either. It's not easy to be around us, trust me. You may feel helpless, you might not know what to say, but I want to encourage you, don't try to fix it. Just be present. Like, I applied my husband because my husband, since the first of March, has been getting all sorts of me. Snappy me, sad me, silent me, and he's had patience with me. Have patience with the people that you love, the people that you care about, because it is so hard for them. It is so hard for them, and I know it's hard for you, I know it's hard for my husband. Like, there's times when I feel good that I just pray for him, like, Lord, thank you for giving him the patience, thank you for allowing him to be understanding because it's not easy, and and I will say it, it's not easy to be around, but he understands. Sometimes a message saying, 'I'm thinking of you' goes a long way. Sometimes just sitting with them in silence is enough, but also to be careful with your words. This is not the time to be telling somebody how they made you feel, especially when they're broken. Because sometimes you're getting so irritated irritated by them not responding to you, or like they might go out. Like, say, for example, you might say, Oh, do you want to go out today? And the person who's grieving says no, and then three days later you might see them out with somebody, and then so you use that opportunity to tell them how you feel. Again, it's not about you. You've got to be able to be like, Do you know what? At least that person is outside, at least that person has been able to get out. Don't see it personal, like, oh, they didn't want to go out with me, so they're going out. It's not like that. Trust me, I am grieving. It takes a lot for me to get outside nowadays. Before, if it was sun, if if the sun was shining, I used to go out. Now I have to mentally prepare myself to go out to smile. It's like a I'm putting on a performance, it's so hard, you know. You've got some people that will push and leave, and you've got them people that's like, nope, you're coming out of the house today, and then you that's how you end up out of the house. So don't let your built-up emotions from the past make that unleash onto somebody that's grieving because it's not right. Grievers are vulnerable, and the wrong word, even if it's unintentional, can cut us deep. Proverbs 18 21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue. So speak with care, be tender, be mindful, and above all, be kind. To my fellow grievers, remember this too. Sometimes people are just trying to show up for you, and we shut them out. We we really do. And I get it, because sometimes you just want to be alone, sometimes you might be bombarded with so many messages all at one time, but they don't know that, you know. But a simple message like thank you for checking in, um heart in a message because now you can like heart emojis to let them know that you've seen it, you know, or depending on your relationship with people, like saying things like I need some time this week, I need some time today. I don't even you can even just respond, like, I don't even feel like talking right now. Like if a person loves and understands you, they would respect it. It is better than silence because one thing they can't do is read your mind or know what you're going through that day. So when people are reaching out, also be mindful. Maybe just put an emoji as I was saying, and just check in so that they don't feel like you know they're reaching out in vain. And while grief is lonely, it doesn't have to be isolated. Because the Bible tells us in Galatians 6, verses 2 bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of the Messiah. I'll just read that again bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of the Messiah. So just like we said, where two or three are gathered when we are praying, we're meant to be bearing one another's burdens.

SPEAKER_00 19:16

And that goes both ways. We carry each other gently.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

Um, I also want to put that, I just want to say, like, you never get over grief, you only get through it, and don't make people make you feel bad if 10 years later, five years later, 20 years later, 50 years later, even, um, some people be like, Oh, that person died 10 years ago. Like, why do you still feel like that? Again, they don't get it, and that's why I wanted to say what I'm saying, they don't get it, and don't feel like maybe I should be over it because you can never get over grief. Even people who has lost a loved one, it could have been through marriage or somebody that they were dating or courting, could pass away suddenly, but they move on, they're married now, they have children. It doesn't mean that when their anniversary of that the person that they once loved has passed away. Don't feel guilty, like, oh, why do I still miss this person? That person played a significant role in your life for that moment.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

Um, don't feel bad when people say, Oh, you should move on, you shouldn't be grieving.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

Um, there's so many things. Even I I hear it through other mothers that look down at other mothers, people who had a miscarriage. No matter whether it was at five weeks, six weeks, um, six months, had a still birth. Be kind with your words. That mother carried her baby, whether it was for a short term or long term.

SPEAKER_00 21:13

She bonded. Be careful of your words. My message today is just simple.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Whether you're the one grieving or you're walking beside somebody who's in their grief, give grace. Grace for messy days, grace for silence, grace for the moments they smile and laugh again. Grace for the times they fall apart. There's no perfect way to grieve, and there's no perfect way to support somebody who's grieving. But Yahuwah sees it all. Every tear, every sigh, every prayer, every teardrop in that. Hillow. He sees you. He feels you. He understands you. He sent his one and only begotten Son to die for us. He knows exactly what we are going through. He's lived there already. And that's why one verse that's been holding me up throughout this time is Revelation 21, verses 4. It says, He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. I'll read it again. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There'll be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.

SPEAKER_00 22:49

He sees our saints. He sees each and every one of us.

SPEAKER_01 22:55

And I want you to hold on to that. That one day there will be no more grief.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

There will be no more pain. There will be no more suffering. But until then, it's okay to cry.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

It's okay to heal in our own time, not on other people's time.

SPEAKER_00 23:22

It's okay to talk about it. Your feelings and your emotions of grief is valid. I just want to thank you for holding this space with me today.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

And I pray that if this message has triggered you or brought up emotions, that may Yahuwah be with you. May He comfort you throughout the day. May He touch you. And if you're grieving right now, just know that I see you, Yahuwah sees you, and you're not alone. Until next time, saints, stay real, stay rooted, and stay in Yahuwah.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Amen.