Ep 23 - Greif, Yahshua Wept Too

Grief arrives without warning, tearing through our carefully constructed lives and leaving us standing at the edge of an abyss. After losing my sister to a stroke on March 1st, 2025, I found myself in that exact position—a qualified counsellor who suddenly couldn't apply any of her knowledge to her own overwhelming pain.

In this deeply personal episode, I share why I've been absent from the podcast and the raw, unfiltered journey through grief that has both challenged and transformed my faith. Despite rallying prayer warriors and fasting on my sister's behalf during her four days in intensive care, I watched my closest star fade away on Shabbat. This experience placed me in a strange spiritual territory where my faith remained unshaken even as my heart shattered.

Perhaps the most unexpected gift emerging from this loss has been reconciliation. My sister's passing somehow created space for me to reconnect with my estranged father and develop capacity for forgiveness I never thought possible. Through tears and scripture—Ecclesiastes 3:1-4, John 11:35, Psalms 34:18—I've discovered that vulnerability isn't weakness but evidence of our capacity to love deeply. As believers, we often feel pressured to "hold it all together," but even Yahshua wept.

If you're walking through your own valley of grief, know that you're not alone. The podcast may be quieter during this healing season, but I'm still here, clinging to Yahuwah while honoring grief as the holy ground it truly is. Whether you're mourning a loss or supporting someone who is, this episode offers a sacred glimpse into how faith can hold us even when prayers seem unanswered and the path forward feels impossible to see.

Transcript

Explaining My Absence

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey Saints, this is Ce from the Unfiltered Christian podcast. I know it's been a minute since you've seen us pop up as a notification to listen. It's just me today. I just wanted to come on here and be real, raw, the way I always have been, unfilled, and explain why I haven't been uploading or editing, why you haven't been seeing us across your platform. The truth is I haven't been in the mental space. I haven't had the emotional strength to sit down and edit. Um, because I edit each of the podcasts. I haven't had the strength, I haven't had the emotional strength to chop up an episode, write out intros, and press upload. I know some of you might have noticed because you are consistent supporters like your family, and I appreciate that, and this is why I wanted to come on here and just give you my time as you give us your time. But on the 1st of March 2025, I lost my sister, she passed away after having a stroke, and to be real with you, I watched her pass away, watching my closest star fade out, it's done something to me. It's like a hole opened up in my world, and I'm just standing on the edge of it trying to figure out how to breathe again. The first couple of weeks were a blur. I was in denial, I'm still in denial, and even though I'm a qualified counselor and I know all the steps and stages of grief, knowing them and actually going through them are two different things. It's been nearly six weeks. Um we still haven't buried her yet because they're doing further investigations, and it's been hard, hard. And then there's that moment that comes when you get tired of crying, and I had to check myself because that's not healing, that's suppressing. Yah gave us feelings. Yeshua, our Messiah, he wept when Lazarus died. He knew he was gonna raise Lazarus up, and still he cried. So it's okay for me to cry, it's okay for you to cry, it's okay to feel hurt. You know, we live in a world that makes us think that when we're vulnerable we are weak. Grief is not a weakness, it's proof that we loved, it's proof that people that is close to us matter. Whether it's a family member, a friend, a colleague, or even our little fairy friends, you know, our pets, loss is hard, and as believers, we sometimes feel like we have to hold it all together, but we don't. Yah is not expecting that from us, he expecting honesty, he expecting surrender, and most importantly, this is when we need to cling on to Yahuwah, we need to cry to him and let him know how we feel, um, because they're his children too, you know. Yah sent his one and only son, and watched him too get crucified, so he knows, you know, he feels us, he made us in his image, he feels everything, and I think I have an amazing support team behind me, and I give praises to ya for that, and I will have counselling, I definitely will have counselling because I know that I don't know it it is definitely a strange one. One thing that I could say is this process I had faith, and I'm gonna be real and I'm gonna be unfiltered. I had faith, like when my sister went in, she was in for four days, and um in the hospital, she was in high-intensive care, she had bleeding on the brain, and I had faith, like I was a prayer warrior, I believed I was just like, Yeah, she's gonna come through, you know. Shay was even fasting for her, and had the church praying, and my friends and family praying, and I think one prayer that I did within those four days that I didn't actually deep was when I said, Yah, if it's your will for her to live, let her live. If it's not your will, um it's okay, but I don't think I really deeped that prayer, you know, because I had faith that it wasn't his will for her to go, and I think that's my in denial, and I could say it with chest, it's my in denial because I had everybody, you know, fasting, praying. Um when I told people that were praying for her that she passed, they was even in shock. Um, everything happened so quick, you know. She went in on a Tuesday, she passed away on a on a Sabbath on Shabbat on a Saturday, and um did it make me question ya? No, but it left me in a very strange place, a very, very strange place because I'm at this stage in my life where I don't question ya, um and my sissy is no longer in pain, she's no longer having to struggle, she's no longer having to take medication, um you know she's in a deep sleep until the deaden Yeshua will rise, and she's just in a deep sleep, and if you listen to our last podcast um with our guest Serena, you know she mentions something, even that podcast was hard for me because that's when my sister just passed away, but she said something, and she said now that she lives her life correctly to be able to see her son, and do you know one thing, Saints? I wasn't talking to my dad, I'm now talking to my dad. Like my sister has blessed me with forgiveness, like her passing. I'm now wanting to forgive people that has hurt me. Like when I mean forgive, to be able to go up to the people that had issues with me or whatever and just say hello. January, February. I didn't feel like this, you know. I'm gonna be real. One of my sisters, we don't get on when I saw her in the hospital. I felt rage, but now I'm in that space where at a funeral I'll go and say hello to her, and Yahoo has a very strange way of I don't like when people say the stereotypical like you know, Yah works in mysterious ways, but it's not mysterious ways. He has to, you know, we are the vessel, he is the potter, we are the clay, and he moulds us in his image because we've been moulding us in our image, and you know, I've been so vulnerable with him, so vulnerable. There's times I've been crying out to him, you know, like saying like what am I gonna do? How am I gonna act? And there's been so much that's been going on in the background which I won't speak about, um, but with everything that I've been going through, I've been standing strong with ya, in ya, not with him, in ya I've been standing strong, and to anybody who's grieving we all know that grief is it's not easy, it's it's not easy at all. You know my aunt has passed my great aunt passed away probably nine years ago this year and I only accepted her death four years ago coming up to five years ago um because I was in denial and I think that when it does hit us that that person is no longer with us, don't suppress it, let it out right now. It's 6 45 in the morning, and I'm recording this because when I woke up, I was just like, I need to let our supporters know, and you know me, I'm a scripture girly. I want to leave you with some scriptures. Maybe you're not going through grief, but you could be going through hurt, or you might know somebody that's going through hurt, and I want to leave you with Ecclesiastes 3, verses 1 and 4. To everything there is a season, a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. John 11 35 says Yeshua wept. Psalms 34 18 says, Yahuwah is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Matthew 5 verses 4 says, Blessed are those who mourn, but they shall be comforted. Isaiah 54, sorry, Isaiah 53 verses 3 and 4. He was a man of sorrows acquainted with grief. He carried our grief and bore our sorrows. So Yahuwah knows about grief. And these five texts talk about either grief or her. If you can't even concentrate, you know, akshaw that you know you can't concentrate right now, and may the Holy Spirit just you know petition on your behalf, hear what you need to hear because within five weeks ya has done a 360 in my life, and I never thought I would see this day, it's crazy, especially talking to my dad. This is it's crazy, but you know, we are the vessel. So to anyone grieving right now, you are not alone. I see you, Ya sees you, and this podcast might be quiet some days, but my faith hasn't left. I'm still here just healing, just trying to hold space for myself too. So you might see some, you might not see some podcasts, but I'm just here, pray for me during the time as well. This isn't the usual kind of podcast, but this is the heart of it. Unfiltered faith, unfiltered feelings. I love you all and thank you for holding the space for me while I figure out this season. Until next time, stay close to ya, say stuff, say stay soft to yourself. Grieving is the holy ground. See you soon, and Shay sends her love.