Ep 46 - Struggling with celibacy? Let’s talk about it!

If you’ve ever tried to live a life of abstinence and felt your body arguing back, you’re not alone and you’re not crazy. We sit down for one of our most unfiltered conversations yet as Shay shares her real celibacy journey, including the years of doing “seven months strong” then breaking, the nightly urges, and the quiet triggers that don’t look sinful until they pull you into temptation. We talk about Christian celibacy before marriage as a heart issue and a mind issue, not just a rule, and we keep it honest about what it feels like to wait for a covenant while life still happens. 

We also go straight into the questions people whisper: Is masturbation part of celibacy? What about porn? How do those habits shape desire, create unrealistic expectations, and make intimacy harder later? Shay breaks down how she removed pornography first, then had to remove masturbation too, and why the emptiness after a quick release can become its own trap. If you’re searching for Christian advice on purity, sexual temptation, dating boundaries, and renewing the mind, this one gives practical steps without fake perfection. 

Then we hit the hard part: what happens when you fall after years of trying, and you still love God. We talk guilt, accountability partners, spiritual warfare, and why “I don’t feel convicted anymore” can be a warning sign. We also connect it to Joseph’s story of fleeing temptation and trusting God when obedience seems to cost you. If this helps you, subscribe, share it with someone who’s struggling, and leave a review so more people find the conversation. What part of waiting challenges you most right now?

Transcript

Why Abstinence Gets Real

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Shalom, shalom saints, and welcome back to the Unfiltered Christian podcast. It's your girl Cece.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

It's your girl Shay.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

And today I don't really have a question. It's a deep one, it's a personal one. And as you know, we're all unfiltered and I feel like so many of us go through this journey. And we have our bright light Shay that can give you her experience and tips and tricks. And we're going to be talking about abstinence. There you go. And what abstinence means for people who don't know is when you have sex before marriage and you're now saving yourself, saving yourself sexually for your marital bet until you get married, or some people call it asdaining from sex. But the real thing that I want to talk about within this topic is when you fall.

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Guys, I had no clue she was gonna ask about this, but maybe I need to speak about it because um it's it's every when you talk about things, it helps with healing. And I'm an open book, you know me. I'm happy to speak about things because I feel like it can help somebody. For all others who's been open with me, it's helped me a lot, and so that's why I'm happy to be open. I've been on my celibacy journey um after the separation of me and my son's dad. Um I started it with protecting myself. Um it was just all about protecting my emotions, protecting myself. I was tired of feeling used and also thinking that this was the person I was going to marry. Um, I was actually, sorry, let me rewind. I was on my celibacy journey, abstinence journey, same thing. Um, I was on it before I met my son's dad actually, and I fell. Um it wasn't for a long time, but I was serious about it at that time. But feeling like convinced that quote unquote this was my husband, I fell before time instead of waiting. Um, and that's where my son came about. But then after we separated, I got back on the journey and I focused on the fact that okay, now I have a human being that needs all my attention, and I've always wanted to be a mom, and it was a difficult time because I wasn't having the joyous moments that I would have wanted. Um, so mentally I couldn't focus on another relationship that was just not gonna happen because my child was a baby. So I started my celibacy from there, not by choice, um, fully, just by like, it's just not about me anymore. Um but then in time I kept my eyes focused on being abstinent because I just didn't, I wanted to go back to the place I was in before. I didn't want to be giving my body to anyone that I didn't feel that was deserving, first of all, but then also thinking back to the original plan that God wanted to make sure the person I gave my body to was my husband. So um my journey was not easy. I may not have fallen.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Can I pause you there? Yeah, I want I wanna I wanna break this down. So when you so on your celibacy journey,

Shay’s Celibacy Timeline Explained

SPEAKER_01 3:20

can you talk about how long have you been celibate for? Um, like the different accounts, and was it easy to be celibate? Was it not? Like, yeah, talk us through your experience and when you fell.

SPEAKER_00 3:33

So I was celibate, I was trying to be celibate over a period of like years before I went as far as I did over the recent years. When I say recent years, from like um 2019 until last year. So I'm gonna say that I was celibate like seven, seven months at a time. So like I'd make it to seven months and then I'd break. I'd make it to seven months and then I'd break. Um, I think I'd done that three times, two or three times, at least two times minimum, before I got to the point where um from 2019 I was celibate all the way until 2025. So that was coming to six years of my celibacy, and in that in those within that five five years or five and a half years, it was a huge challenge. At first, it was okay because I had a distraction, which was my child. Um, I had a lot going on in life, so it was okay, like being with someone was not a priority for me, um, because I had things happening in my life, and um I was very conscious of like not having anyone around my child, and also conscious of the fact that I wanted to be married. So I was thinking, well, that's not gonna be simple, it's not gonna be easy. So when you have that focus of the fact that you do want to be married, it's not that simple to be like, oh yeah, I'm just gonna date somebody. Um, I just want a relationship. I feel like when you're in that place where you just want a relationship or you want a long-term relationship, the push is not as serious to me personally. Whereas if you're looking at marriage, which is something serious, it's a covenant, um, it's the way um Elohim wanted us to be intimate in, like when you focus on it in that way, it makes it more meaningful and it makes your walk in celibacy much more focused. Um, but then the flesh kicks in, the um urges kick in, um you know, the sexual urges, you you just you're not even, you know, you could feel your body wanting that intimacy. You could feel your body want sex and you don't know how to cope. And there's times where I prayed it away and it worked, um, but then after a while, the urges get stronger, and the prayer might last for um, I don't know, the prayer might remove the urges for a short time, and then by the next night you feel it again. And it started to get really frustrating because it's now every night you're feeling this.

Urges And Guarding Your Eyes

SPEAKER_00 6:10

In the daytime, you might be okay, and sometimes I feel it in the day, or sometimes I'm not even like thinking about it, and it just pops up. So then I had to be very careful with what is my eye seeing, what am I watching? Um, anything that gave me any type of feeling of temptation in the sense of like it might just be someone kissed on TV. Like, I would avoid watching certain things, I would watch avoid watching things that was like reality shows with relationships and all that stuff. I'd just remove myself from that stuff because it's like the feeling of wanting somebody led to the sexual urges. Um, so I had to like analyse those things until I felt like I could manage better with watching anything like those type of things. I worked on just not watching those things, just removing myself from those things. Um, which in the Bible says we should guard our eyes, anyways, we should guard guard all our senses. Um, and so that became a theme for me for a while. That scripture became a theme for me for a while, in regards to like, okay, what am I listening to? What conversations am I having? You know, that kind of stuff because I was so sensitive. Um, I stayed away from um physical connection, being in physical contact with any opposite sex, um, because I just didn't want that temptation. I don't have many male friends, anyways. Um, and if I do, my my male friends don't live within the UK. So it was easy for me. Um, but I don't I wouldn't feel that way with my male friends. But it was more like dating and stuff. I didn't really date because I didn't want to be thinking about the whole idea of like the intimacy part. Um, because sometimes I wanted to date for the wrong reasons, and so trying to focus on like why do I want to date, like all these different things, you know, it was it was a different challenge throughout the years of you know where I'm going and what do I want to do. Um, and sometimes I'd even avoid like even if I like someone, I'd avoid even going on a date with them because I'm like, how am I gonna handle this? How am I gonna handle being in the presence of someone I like?

Dating Boundaries That Protect You

SPEAKER_00 8:10

Because liking them means I'm physically attracted to them, and how am I gonna, you know, resist, you know, not getting myself caught up in a situation and like so I'd kind of focus on like the um the mental side of getting to know that person instead of like going on a date with them straight away so that I just don't put myself in a tempting situation, but then also I had to learn about um navigating dating, like okay, you don't back in the day I didn't find it a problem being in someone's house. It wasn't an issue for me, but then I wasn't celibate, so it didn't bother me like us being in close quarters in my house or their house, it was an issue, but then coming into celibacy, I realized that's like okay, that's something I should not be doing. Um, I shouldn't put myself in that position because it's gonna draw a lot of temptation and it's not that hard. Sorry, it's not that easy to come out of that situation because one thing can lead to another, and it's hard to stop yourself from going forward. So I went through all those challenges, but then towards the end, and when I say end, because this is the point where I started to break, it became really, really, really hard because I felt like I was far.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Before you get to the end, gone. Before you get to the end, I just had a thought. What about like okay?

Masturbation And Porn Reset The Mind

SPEAKER_01 9:29

So because celibacy is different for everybody, right? It is different. Um I want you I want you to ask answer this question. Do you feel like um because you could say I'm abstaining from sex, do you feel like masturbation is part of celibacy or not?

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Well, when you say part of, is something you can do while celibate or something you didn't do.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Like it's a is okay to do it until I'm married.

SPEAKER_00 9:53

No, so that that was a big challenge for me as well. At the beginning, I didn't see a problem with masturbation um because I felt like it was a way to take away that urge so that you're not tempted to go and seek out sex from somebody, or you know, yeah. So I just thought like, okay, masturbation is fine. That was at the beginning. And then after a while, I started to and bearing in mind I still felt that way, even though I don't know if we did that study around that time of the beginning part of my celibacy. Do you remember?

SPEAKER_01 10:27

Um, when I when I did a study on masturbation.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Masturbation, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:32

I don't I can't remember.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

I don't remember.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

I know that it was in lockdown.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

It was a lockdown. Okay, cool. So that was the beginning part of my um celibacy. So if it wasn't lockdown, yes. So when we did a study in the beginning part of lockdown about masturbation, um I think that's where my mindset started to change. But I still found it hard to physically like, you know, stay away from masturbation because to me, it felt like it fixed the problem at that time. But in time, knowing that masturbation is not of God, knowing that I was the self-gratification of masturbation and like giving in to self, and also the fact of like it would be harder for whoever my husband is to pleasure me because I knew how to pleasure myself. I had to make up my mind eventually, like, this is something I have to stop. But I didn't know how to. It got to the point where I felt like this is doing nothing, this is literally a 30-second fix. And after that, I'm still feeling it, and I'm hurting myself mentally and physically because I just keep going and it's not doing anything. Um, so it started to become meaningless. And when it became meaningless, that's when I drew back to that that um study and just said, you know what, I I just I don't want it to be hard for my husband to please me. Because for someone that was sexually active before, and trust me, choosing celibacy, this is what I'm gonna tell everybody straight up right now. I love sex. I'm gonna say that straight. So choosing celibacy was not an easy choice. It was not like, oh yeah, you know, sex don't mean nothing to me. I I can do it. No, I am one of the people that chose celibacy, that is, it is the hardest thing to do. Like, I'm one of those people that enjoyed being active with someone that I was in a relationship with and whatever. Like, I enjoyed that. So for me, choosing this path was a very, very hard decision to make. Um, even with the situations I had going on in my life, it was not an easy decision to make at all. So I'm not talking about this lightly. I'm talking about someone that like it was a struggle, it was hard. I, you know what I mean? To this day, I still struggle. It is not easy, but what I will say, it did get a little bit easier over time. Over time it got easier, but I had to stick to it. I had to stick to it, and so I had to remove masturbation. I couldn't continue masturbation anymore because I started to realize it was more of a hindrance to me than it was helping me. It was not helping me at all, and it just became meaningless. But also for me, the biggest thing was that I was trying to undo um what I did to myself when it came to like pleasure, because I didn't want to now end up in a marriage where we were gonna struggle sexually because of what I've done. Because then I'm gonna feel like my husband can't pleasure me because I've been doing it all myself, or I've been in unrealistic um situations, or I'm watching porn, seeing things happening that just doesn't make that's not reality, and then thinking that's gonna happen in marriage. So I had to undo like all of this like worldly things that was in my mind, like thinking that it was all these things were okay. Um but I had to do it bit by bit because first I used to masturbate with pornography, then I removed pornography, but I was still masturbating, and then I had to remove masturbation, so it was all a process. Um, and looking back on it, thinking that that was okay and thinking that God was gonna send me a husband in the midst of that. I don't know what in the world I was thinking, but in that time you think, yeah, like you know, I'm not having sex, so it's fine, you know. Um, and you just make all these excuses. Um, but you have to realize how much damage you're causing to yourself. And um, having a conversation with one of my male friends, he was saying the same thing. He wanted to remove masturbation as well, because he just realized that like it was just a moment, just a release, but then after that, you feel empty, and that's what hit hard. The fact that you still feel empty. Um, so that was the trick.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

I think that's also something as well, with um for people who are still a virgin, um, the key things that she's saying, because this can apply to you as well, that even though you haven't had sex but you're masturbating, it can potentially damage your sex life or when you do get married.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Exactly that it can because even though you haven't had penetrative sex, because you have been satisfying your own self, it your what your husband is gonna do is gonna be unrealistic. Like what what we do during masturbation, it's not the same as being with a human being, so of the opposite sex. So it is it is just gonna be so hard for them to do what you would like. And that was already happening to me before I chose celibacy, before I drew closer to God. That was already happening to me, where like my sex life was unrealistic. Like I always felt like people would couldn't pleasure me because I was still doing masturbation, but I didn't know at the time, you know, I didn't know that what I was doing. So I kept thinking I would STEM and this and that, like, you know, you're talking all these things, but then you realised that actually, no, it's not that individual. Eventually I learned that it was masturbation, it was ruining everything, it was literally ruining everything.

Soul Ties And Renewing Desire

SPEAKER_00 15:44

So I remember years before I started to do this, I remember you told me a story of a couple that chose to be celibate before they got married. Um, I don't know if they were doing it before, but they chose to like a year before they got married to be celibate. And I thought, what kind of madness is that? Like, that doesn't make sense, you know. I remember that time thinking, huh, but that stuck with me. Like that first initial thing of of hearing.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

When he proposed, they said that they're not going, they're no longer gonna have sex. So the day that he proposed, he was he said to her, we're no longer gonna have sex until we get married.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

That's my right, that's what it was. And I thought my mind, I remember, do you know what's so funny? It stood out to me because I actually remember where I was standing when we had that conversation. I think that's the first thing that was planted in my mind when it came to celibacy, and I always remembered it.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Um we're not saying it's okay, we're just letting you know that, it's not okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

No, no, no, no, it's not okay, no no no no no no, no, it's not at all that they never came to my mind. Staying in before marriage.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

Maybe the fact that they were in a they was a couple and they was already having sex, because if you're already having sex and you're gonna get married, you'll just continue until you're married. But I think the significant thing is, it's just like I think the thing that probably stuck with you is that he now sees like the importance of like rah. I'm I'm proposing to you now, you're about to be my wife. Like, we need to set up this some ceremonial bed, right? You know, like we're gonna abstain, and that was probably even harder for them because they lived together. Um but then they their prayer life went up, and they said sex got better after they got married from abstaining. I don't know how long they were together, but then they were saying when they got married, after they were married, after the one year of abstaining, and then when they got married, their sex life got sweeter.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

That's what I'm saying. I feel like when you told me that story, I felt excited, but I didn't know how to start that journey. All I knew was that like I want that, like I want to be with that one person that only wants me and I only want them, and it's only just us. I don't have to be worrying about like, oh my gosh, you know, what if, whatever, the what if, whatever. And I'm I'm not saying marriage is perfect, that's just what I'm saying. I'm just saying, covered in the covenant of God, um, that's what I believe. And I just thought, I would love that for myself. That sounds so special, and so that's why that stuck with me. And then also having this conversation with someone I'm very close with, they also told me they did the same thing, the exact same thing of what you said, they stopped a year before they got married. Um, as well. They chose to do that as well. And I just thought, you know what, there's something here, there's something going on here, there's something that I'm missing here, and that's where that stuck in my head. But my main thing during my celibacy was just, I just want to not be thinking about previous sexual partners that I'd had and comparing my husband to those people. I wanted my body to be renewed. And so I started praying that prayer. Like, remove those feelings or comparisons I may have had with previous sexual partners. I would like my mind to be renewed. Like, I don't even want to remember what sex was like with those people. I I want the experience to be renewed again with my spouse. Because obviously, by us breaking that covenant of having sex before marriage, it's harder now. You have to fight a lot of things that you've done in your past. And so the only way that you can remove those things is through prayer. Remove any soul ties that I've had with that individual. And for anyone that doesn't know what soul ties are, when you are intimate with somebody because you are coming together as one, whatever spirit that they may have been carrying, you might have intaken that spirit. And um also you you become addicted to that person in remembering the feeling, what it was like with that person. Um, and that's why you're able to fantasize and stuff about that, because of that soul tie that you, you know, that tie or that connection you have with that person. So all of that, I had to work on praying away. Um, so it was it was really, really a journey, even though it was a tough journey. It was I needed to do all of those things, but in the midst of that, it doesn't mean I wasn't struggling, it doesn't mean I wasn't suffering, it doesn't mean I didn't slip up into masturbation. It wasn't happening as often as it did at the beginning. There was a point where I went a year without masturbation, but then when I did it, I was like, oh, that was not worth it. And sometimes it felt like it was worth it. And I'm like, no, it wasn't. I didn't even know I knew it wasn't, but in that moment it felt like it was because I was struggling so bad. And in those other times, I was just like, this was not worth it. So it was a difficult journey. Um very, very difficult.

Shame And Accountability Partners

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Um, because you feel like you're in it on your own as well. You don't know who else to speak to about it. Um, you will get support from from you know those who care about you. Like Cece supported me, yes, she prayed for me, but I found it hard, and then I found it hard to go to her when I broke as well, because I always felt guilty. Um, because it is good to have an accountability partner, even if that person is on the journey or not. Just someone that can pray for you because it's not easy, but then you feel guilty. You're like, oh, why did you why why why did you even do that to yourself? You know, like why did you do that to yourself? And um you feel guilty, and then you you don't want to tell the person because you feel bad and that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_01 21:17

So here's all- I think that's another important thing to to mention is that like when you're on your journey, like Satan wants you to fail. Like that's one of his main things. And like, um I was just about to ask you that question, but the Holy Spirit's leading, honey. The Holy Spirit's leading. And like when just with anything, like whenever you have an addiction to anything and you've got an accountability partner, Satan wants you to be like, like, he don't want that person to pray for you, to be like, I'm on this journey. He wants you to be like, No, no, no, we're not gonna, we're not gonna you're not gonna tell her because we're we're gonna stop this, but then you're gonna keep doing it and doing it, and then next thing you're so far in that you're so far from that person to reach out because you feel even more ashamed. But you shouldn't look at it like that. You should look at it, always try to look at it as like you know what the Bible says where two or three are gathered, he is there. So if you do have, and I think it's important to have an accountability person who you trust that can pray without judging. There's nothing wrong with correction, but without the full judgment. Because if you if you're gonna have an accountability partner who just always points the finger at you and look down at you, like that's not growth, that's not love. You need to find somebody that genuinely loves you and wants to see you grow.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Right, right. That's what I'm saying. You're gonna feel this condemnation, like, oh, this person, you know, is is always attacking me. And that was not the case with CC, but in my head, I just built up feeling that way. So this is gonna take me to the point of the end.

How She Fell After Six Years

SPEAKER_00 22:46

I got to the point where I was really struggling for months. This was not one day, two-day thing. Months I was struggling. I remember like I spent times crying to God saying, please, I am struggling. I am not trying to force you to send my husband, but I am struggling. Yeah, so it got to the point where I felt so emotional because I felt like I didn't know what else to do. I'm praying, I'm fasting, I'm praying, I'm fasting, and this is not working. And it got to the point where I started doing my like, I don't know if anyone remembers in a previous episode I spoke about walking and praying and how more powerful it felt. It got to the point where like I was having those type of prayers, like paced and up and down in my room, like, God, seriously, this can be ridiculous now. I've had enough. Like, I can't, I can't, I can't. Um, and then I started ending up in situations where I was now um, I don't know, seeing people that I should not be seeing. Um, creating these lies in my head that there's gonna be any type of relationship. I was having conversations that I should not be having. And then I started seeing it as like, oh, okay, yeah, he's just a friend, but he was an ex. Oh, it's alright if he comes over, we're just talking, whatever, whatever. And I was doing that for a few months where we didn't do anything, and then it led to like one thing that may be like sexual, but it wasn't sex, and then I'd stop there, and then I thought, okay, I can resist, it's fine. Um then like that was going on for a while, a long time. And then I'd cut it off, and then I'd end up in it again, and I'd cut it off. Then I was like, oh, you know, it's just a bit of company, and like just getting myself in a spiral that I should not be in. And then um eventually, this is where the enemy caught me. He sent someone into my life that I should be able to resist because it'd been so many years. But I think, as usual, the enemy knows your weak spot, and he knew he knew who to send. And so, with that individual, that's where I broke because they just gave me that feeling, but it was because of the connection we had. We had a centered connection, we had a thing that connected us together, and that's where the enemy caught me. And I allowed, I should have broke, I should have been the one to be strong, but I was I was weakening. Me thinking I was still strong, but I was weakening because I thought that I'm setting the boundaries, I'm setting the rules, so it's okay, that it's fine, like they're not gonna, they're not doing anything, they're following what I've told them that I want. So I'm not gonna break. But then I started I started to question a lot of things that um not question, sorry, that's not the word I'm saying, um, that I needed to say. I started to like um, there's something that we do. Um, oh my gosh, I can't find the word, but it's like when you're I'm making excuses, that's it. I started making excuses like for certain things, like all my morals and stuff, or like kind of like diminishing it, or like, oh you know, well, you know, it's just this or what do you know what I mean? I started just doing all these things in my head, and um before I knew it, two months later, after that whole situation started, um I broke. And at first, the first time I was I felt very, very guilty. I was close to tears because I was just like, I can't believe after nearly six years that I had given up, and that's what it felt like. Like I gave up. But because I'd already done it and I couldn't undo it, I had to say in my head, I was like, okay, well, we've got a plan. So it's okay, we've got a plan, like we're gonna have a future, so it's fine. Do you know what I mean? So it's because it's like between that individual and the previous one, the other one, there was definitely not gonna be any future. So that's where I didn't go for any further. Whereas with this person, I thought, yeah, there's gonna be a future. So it's okay. Um, and you know the wickedest thing, I literally felt the strongest battle spiritually before it even happened because I was like, because I I was struggling to I knew that I I can't even describe it to you. Like, it was like like every emotion you can think of was running through me. Fear, anger, frustration, um, temptation, happiness, laughter, like I felt everything all in one. And it was like, I I knew one side of me was saying, you know, you cannot undo this, you know when you do this, you cannot undo all the hard work that you and God have put into for over five and a half years. You know you cannot undo that, right? Like, you know, you do know what I'm saying, but because of all these other little elements, because you're aware of who the person is, you can understand where I'm coming from with this. Because the enemy knew like how to to bring somebody that had so much history and meaning to you, that's where he caught me. And I feel so emotional as I'm talking about right now. Like, that's where I feel like maybe I needed to talk about this because it is it is deep, and we have to be really, really careful. We have to be so careful. The spiritual battle out there is not easy, people. And this is me coming raw and open with you. Like, literally, I've got tears in my eyes as I'm saying this. Because I didn't want to give in a part of me, but the other part of me was struggling so bad. I actually didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know what else to do, and I don't blame God. I'm not saying he wasn't helping, but I it's it's that point where I needed him to physically snatch me up and remove me from this situation because I didn't know what else to do. Yeah. So when I like broke, it was so it was like it was like it was nice in one way, but it was heart-wrenching in another way. Because I was like, you broke and you can't undo it. There's nothing you can do. And because at that point in my life, I'd already like had so many fantasies of like it being my husband, like I fantasized my wedding night so many times. You know, I removed myself from just being a girlfriend and I envisioned being a wife, and I'd fantasized so many times about being a wife and having that wedding night, couldn't see my husband's face, but do you know what I mean? The excitement, like what would I do? And my gosh, am I gonna have candles? And you know, all these things. Like, I had so much excitement for that moment, and that moment was not that at all. And in my head, I tried to recreate that wedding night moment, guys. That's how deep I went, you know, thinking that I can get the same feeling that I had in my head in this moment, even though this person's not in my head, quote unquote, officially my husband, because they're gonna be my husband, and it didn't work, it didn't do nothing as much as I tried to do everything that I wanted to do and everything I had planned, the moment was not that.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

Was your relationship with Yah still strong?

SPEAKER_00 29:39

I would say yes, because I was praying about it, and I was praying about the relationship element of it. I wasn't praying about the sexual element of it.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

Now, I mean between like you and Yah, like was you still like doing your like everything that you was doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was still doing everything. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

I was still doing my devotional, I was still reading my Bible, I was still whatever, but just that my prayer ended up being more like stuck in this situation. I felt like I was a broken record. Um, I was praying about this a lot. Um, I was praying about whether I should allow allow myself to get get into a relationship with this person. Um, I didn't hear God say no. I think I even fasted about it at some point. Yeah, it was. I was still praying. I was like that part. Let me tell you something. Out of everything that was happening, I knew if I stopped that, I felt like I would have been losing my soul to the devil. Wow. I knew that if I stopped any of that, I could get lost really easily because I am treading on dangerous grounds. So I have to hold on to God. I did not go through. This is unfiltered. Yeah. I I I couldn't, I couldn't let go. I couldn't, I couldn't. That was the one decision I made. I was like, no matter what I do, I cannot let go of my relationship with God. I've been working too hard all these years, like me being dyslexic, me struggling to read. I did not go through all of this to lose it for one human being as much as I felt like I loved the person. I ain't doing it. No matter how much I have to go through punishment of God or whatever, I ain't doing it. That's all I knew. That's not happening. Stopping to read my Bible ain't happening. Prayer ain't stopping. Even if I am struggling and I I need God's help and I'm crying, it's not

When Conviction Starts To Fade

SPEAKER_00 31:24

stopping.

SPEAKER_01 31:24

Okay, I have a question for you. What would you tell a person who feels like because their relationship is still strong with yah? Like, because you know, like you got some people, as you say, like once the moment they start having sex, they let go. And then what about those people that they're still having sex? They felt bad, but now it feels like a norm. But because their relationship is strong with y'all, because they're not getting that conviction anymore that it's wrong. What would you tell those people?

SPEAKER_00 31:50

I would tell you, please be careful. You don't know what you're playing with. You think, you think that everything is okay, because it started to get to that point for me. Like, oh, you know, well, I'm guilty, it's happening, can't undo it, keep going, right? But do not ignore the signs because you start to see stuff, like maybe the person is doing things, or you start doing listen, listen, I can't get any more unfiltered, but there's there's there's situations that I was ending up in where it was like from my past, you know, like you're now having to, for example, I'm just gonna say one thing out of the all all of the things I ended up in, but you're there now having to now go it start doing um STI tests again, for example, because And for those that don't know, because different countries call it different things. Oh yeah, so it's um sexual transmitted infection tests, you know, you're going to the clinic, you're getting tested, because now you're sexually active with somebody, and you in your brain, you think you might think you don't know if that person's being sexual or somebody else. They've told you they're not, they've told you in a relationship with you. But for me, because I'm not married to that person, like it's all open game, isn't it? Like, I don't know. And then on top of that, I don't know who that person was with before me. So now I also question them about that, but I don't know whether it's true. Like, all your brain starts to spiral. Like, I don't know if they're telling the truth. I didn't tell the truth, I did not tell the truth, I haven't seen the test. Is it really negative? Is it do you know what I mean? Like all these things, so then now I had to start protecting myself to start like getting myself tested, and you gotta make sure you're protected. Then I'm like, I didn't want to be using contraception as well, um, as in like the pill and all those things. I was like, I don't want to now ruin my body. I've been offered these things for years, like all these things, like you're ruining yourself. Like, I will say to you that you think you're okay. But let me tell you something. The devil, the devil's arranging a lovely plan, and you don't know what that could be, and you think you're strong, and it only takes one moment for him to drag you down. I am telling you, the devil's not playing, he's not a joke, he will swoop in. You think it's gonna be like a um a process, like, oh yeah, the devil's gonna take you down bit by bit. Let me tell you something. In the time that you think everything's okay, man is arranging his plans, and it would just be one moment where he sends that war, that battle, and that is that. That's in that same moment, you'll decide I'm not praying anymore. I'm too guilty. Oh my gosh, what's God saying? Oh my gosh, whatever. And trust me, I had moments where I was tempted, like, you can't pray. Like, you are the worst. You made a promise to God. Like, I felt so guilty. I had promised, out of all the promises I had made, yeah, this was the one promise I thought I would never break. And I don't normally, like, I always say to God, I'm not making promises to you because I'm a human being and I don't know if I'm gonna break, I'm gonna try my best. Like, I never went to God with saying, I'm definitely gonna do this. But that was the only thing I said I would not do because I knew it was wrong and I should not do it. But I did it. So don't think that the enemy is not planning for you, my sister, my brother. I'm telling you, you are losing God in that moment as well, even though like you might think your relationship is strong of him, but bit by bit, because we are allowing our bodies to be given into this physical sin, spiritually, we're losing God because God already says he cannot dwell where sin is. Yeah, so bit by bit you are losing him spiritually because you're allowing this sin into you all the time, and it's gonna get to the point where you're not hearing him, and you're like, why can't I hear God? I thought I was close. I'm praying, I'm I'm fasting, I'm reading. Well, that is just the act of doing something. Yeah, but are you really hearing him? Are you really feeling him? Are you seeing him working? There could be stuff that's missing or going missing in your life. You know how like you lose a pen and you're like, Well, where's the pen? I've been looking for this pen for a minute or whatever, and you just can't find a pen. Like, that could be like your your normal, when I say normal, like the things that happen in your day, like the way God will like guard you and move you away from things because of the relationship you have with him. You like you can't the things that you cannot see. Do you get what I'm saying? And then suddenly, like, you see those little things are disappearing.

SPEAKER_01 36:01

That's because your eyes are beginning to get blind, right?

SPEAKER_00 36:06

That's what I'm saying. That that starts to happen, and you're like, wait, hang on one second. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 36:13

Those are I wanna backtrack

God Feels Silent So Flee

SPEAKER_01 36:15

a bit. I want to backtrack because with what you're saying here, and I and you you touched on it for yourself. So this is why I love that this is so unfiltered. Back to the young men and women out there, um, the children of yours, that are like, because as you said, you fasted, right? You prayed, and he when you needed him the most, he didn't come through. Yeah, please, like, can you can you like for those people who are out there that are struggling, that it's just like I'm on my knees, I'm fasting. Like, and he still didn't hear me. Like, I was crying out to him. I was saying that, where where where where is he? What would you say? Because with me, like I didn't even know you you was fasting. I was thinking that, rah, like I wonder how I would feel like if you're fasting, like you're saying, Lord, I'm coming to you, you know, I'm on my knees, I'm I'm fasting. I need help. SOS. Like the white flag is here.

SPEAKER_00 37:09

I don't want no more red flag. Yeah, literally, I was waving flags and things. Like, I'm telling you, it was deep, it was deep. I'm like barling, like I'm struggling, you know what I mean? Like, I remember that prayer in my room. Like, God, I'm I'm breaking. I'm very like, I'm being so candid and telling him everything, and still, you're not moving. Um oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 37:33

He actually made me think of the story of um the the the guy who fleed from the queen who was trying to entice him sexually.

SPEAKER_00 37:41

Yeah, that was um was that not John? No, it wasn't John. Was it oh, it was why it was what it was one of those, no, it wasn't not John, sorry. It was Joseph. Yes, yes, that's who it was. Because I was thinking he worked in the temple.

SPEAKER_01 37:53

Um for those that don't know, like, and I'm terrible with storytelling, I actually could tell throughout the whole of this thing.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

I know, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:01

But the queen wanted him sexually, and um he didn't want he he he was saved, he didn't want her, and he fleed, and it cost him because I think did she say that he he raped her or I can't I can't remember?

SPEAKER_00 38:16

She did, she yeah, she told a lie. I don't know what's the exact lie. She told something because she even lured him into her bedroom and he had to flee from her bedroom. Um, but yeah, she did she did lie on him. She did lie on him. I can't remember what happened to him, but she did lie on him. Um, someone else is shouting on the other side of the podcast, like, yeah, that's what happened. Yeah, but you know, send us a send us an email if you know you can drop the rest of the story.

SPEAKER_01 38:42

I'm gonna um research it right now just so I could um yeah, what would I say?

SPEAKER_00 38:47

Oh man, that's a tough question, man, because I just know I know what it's like to be there. Sometimes you gotta you oh geez, you gotta flee, boy. The way Joseph fleeed, you gotta run.

SPEAKER_01 38:56

Um okay, so you can find it in Genesis 39, um, chapter 39, verses 7 to 12. Right. Um, so Joseph was working in Potiphar's house, and Joseph was uh saying that he was young, he was attractive, and he was alone. And Potiphar's wives pursued him repeatedly. So it wasn't just once, as what Shay's saying, yeah. Say Satan knows what he's doing. Right. So it was daily that she was trying to pursue him. Um and in verse 10 it says, and it came to pass as she spoke to Joseph day by day. So she was she was she was tempting him day by day. And then she caught him by his garment, and he left his garment in her hand and fled and got out. But it doesn't go into much. So he left evidence and what happened to the rest. I think she used the evidence that he left, like to say like he tried to lay with her.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

Yeah, she did. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Because but he ran.

SPEAKER_01 40:03

So it just shows you how how much Satan wants us because even in Jose's case, it's like he fled, he was still doing Yah's work, but still, like she's she lied on him.

SPEAKER_00 40:13

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

But yeah, going back, sorry, going back to the people who are crying out to Yah and Yar ain't hearing them, you're doing your SOS, you're you're fasting, you've been through it. How did you surpass that? How did you get through that?

Trust God Is Protecting You

SPEAKER_00 40:30

Um, you have to trust that he is listening, even though he seems silent, you have to trust that he is preparing something out there for you. Something just popped into my head because I was struggling to think, how do I answer this question? But it was a podcast that I not a podcast, it was a um YouTube video I saw of this girl. And it was hard because I was crying when I saw this YouTube video because she was on her celibacy journey and she was three years in at the time. And um, she had this guy that she interviewed about his book, and he was talking about um uh the the the characteristics of men. He's talking about like there's three main characteristics we know about men, and he was talking about the other the other ones that men did not learn. So he was like, you know, men are taught to be providers, tecters, and one other one. And then he said that the rest, there's others, they don't get taught to be husbands, they don't get taught to be brothers, they don't get taught, you know, like all that kind of stuff. So, anyways, he was saying that um it was such a spiritually connected video because he said that he didn't come there to talk about his book, he came there for her, and then he was like, God told him that to tell her that he is protecting her from what's not right for her. So when she feels like he is not listening and like she's struggling, because she was she said two days before that she was crying out to God, the same way that I'm talking about I was crying out to God, the same way that you may be talking about you are crying out to God, and he said that God is protecting you from what's not for you. So when you're not seeing movement, when you're not seeing like maybe you haven't been on a date or you're not getting to know people or whatever, and it seems dead and it seems silent, God is protecting us from what's not for us. And I kind of forget that I prayed that prayer where I was just like, Lord, I'm not on the foolery of dating Tom Dick and Harry and you know Billy and whoever. I'm just I'm that's just not me. Um, and so I don't know how you're gonna do this, but I'm not feeling to do that. And being a single parent, I don't have energy to be getting ready to go on a date that's gonna waste my time. I I'm just not. So I'd rather stay at my house. So I just feel like you have to think about the fact that maybe the reason why God isn't sending that person or sending anybody around you is because he's trying, he not not trying to, he is protecting you. And secondly, he's preparing your spouse for you, and he's also preparing you for your spouse. Those are the three things you need to remember. You might think you are ready, and I'm not saying you're gonna be perfect, but it might be something he is tweaking or or um moulding in you that you don't know what it is. There's a characteristic or characteristics that he's molding in you, but also he's preparing your husband or your wife for you. You don't want if you go to a job and you go and meet a manager or whoever, you don't want the same way that they don't want you to be unprepared, you don't want them to be unprepared because you're gonna be like, this job ain't serious. What kind of manager is this that it's they don't have their questions together or whatever it is? Do you know what I mean? There's the same way that you want the spouse that Elohim sends to you, you want them to be somewhat prepared, especially if you know you've been working on yourself. Like I know this stuff that I've been working on, and God has been working on in me, should I say, right? And then you're gonna meet someone that's like all over the place. You're gonna be like, Really? Is this really my husband? And then and then imagine God says, Yeah, here's your husband, and man's all over the place, and you know, he's not. Steady in his life, and you're gonna be like, Wow, I expected more of you, Lord. Do you know what I'm saying? Um, and that's not and our God is not a God of like confusion, so he's not gonna send you someone and someone that's like mediocre and not together um for you, who is made for you. So you have to trust that he's preparing that person for you. And I think that's where I started to build that excitement. Like, you know what? Maybe he hasn't send that person, yeah. But I'm excited. Like, what's my husband doing now? Like, is he at work? Like, what's you know, you you know, your wife can say you are you, the man, my brother out there that's preparing for your wife. What's your wife doing? Is she at work? Is she learning a new dish so she can cook for me when we're married? Like, these are the little things I started saying to myself, and it's the stuff that keeps me going. I might sound like a mad person, but it's true, you know, all these little because these are moments you're gonna have, you're gonna build in your in your in your marriage together. And you know, start thinking about stuff like that, like oh my gosh, is he gonna make me laugh? And like, what's gonna be our thing, you know, like those type of things. Trust that God is doing that in that person because he's sending who's right for you. Do you get that? For you, you know, not that not that's right, not someone that's right for you and Sally and Betty, for you as an individual. He is not preparing that person for somebody else, he's preparing that person for you, for you two to walk in that path together, for you two to um build his kingdom together. Kingdom builders, the two of you are building his kingdom, and so he has to make sure that you two are that power couple, not the worldly power couple, don't worry about that. The power couple for the kingdom that is out here building the church, building the youths, building the children that you've created. Because that is not gonna be easy. And you need someone that's gonna be back. Let me tell you something. I started like resisting, like the more I started thinking about it, I was thinking, wait, I need someone that's gonna intercede for me. And I wasn't even thinking about that at the beginning of my journey. I started thinking about that more recently. Like, no man, I can't be there praying over my husband and he ain't praying over me. What is that? We're supposed to be a kingdom relationship. Oh, kingdom marriage, sorry. I need someone that's praying over me. I I literally saw a video of a girl the other day talking about the fact that her husband went to the gym and came back home, and he knew that she was, he went to the gym at 5am, came back home knowing that she is going through her own battles and knelt down next to her and was praying. And she tried to, but she was sleeping and he was holding her hand and she tried to pull her hand away and he was grabbing onto her hand. That is the type of marriage you want to be striving for. And so when you are praying and fasting and you're wondering why, why, why? Let me tell you something. The words I'm saying right now, I needed to hear it. And it's not even me speaking, it's the spirit speaking because I haven't even thought about this or put this together for a long time. And I have moments where I'm like, ugh, it the struggle is here again, you know? But this is the type of things I need to be um thinking about and focusing on. The words I'm saying right now, it's like I'm not even hearing myself. It's it's it's the spirit speaking because this is what you need to be doing. This is what you need to be thinking about, and also just be feeding yourself with the right things. Feeding yourself with like, you know, when I'm in the mood, I'm not always in the mood, but sometimes I'll be listening to, you know, marriage podcasts, you know, about different challenges in marriage and you know, just building yourself up for that path, you know. It's like the same way you go for a job, you be doing research on this and that. Are you doing that? Are you putting time into my like I'd be asking, you know, Cece's one of my best friends and my other best friend. I'll be asking like marriage questions, what's this like? What you know, like it's it it's inquire, ask people who are married. All this like the type of like I things I have in my head. Because sometimes I feel like even now I'm at a point where I sometimes feel like I'm not gonna get married. Because I just feel like, oh, it just feels like such a battle. Like, you know, I'm at a point where like, oh, this marriage thing seems so hard. Um, and I'm not saying it's not hard, but you know, talking to other people who are married, they're like, actually, yeah, it has its challenges, but you know, so, so, and so. And they give you a different angle and a different, you know, I even spoke to my pastor's wife about it. And it's like, you know, having all these, it's nice to have people's different opinions and inputs, and you know, it's it's it's nice to do research where you're just asking day-to-day people questions about marriage, people who are living it every day, so that you're feeding yourself.

Red Flags God Reveals Over Time

SPEAKER_00 48:35

Are you doing that? What are you doing to prepare for your spouse?

SPEAKER_01 48:40

I have a question that you didn't answer though. How did you get away?

SPEAKER_00 48:43

How did I get away from the whole like just not doing any of this anymore?

SPEAKER_01 48:47

Yeah, like because you you talked about like you fell back into it, it was somebody that you saw as a lifetime partner, but then how did the Holy Spirit and and yah connect back? Even though he wasn't gone, but you like as you said, you felt like when you were praying, he didn't answer, then you fell back, but then you saw you saw the red flags as you were saying, but how did you walk away from that?

SPEAKER_00 49:10

He simply started showing me everything that I didn't want in a spouse in that person, it's just like revealing it. Boom, boom, boom, one after the other. Um, things that I would have ignored back in the day, and now it's like, nah, I am not going into a lifetime commitment with somebody that is like this. This is not what me and God discussed. You know, like it just started breaking it down. What what what did I what what are the things that I said to Elohim that I would have liked an espouse?

SPEAKER_01 49:38

Not not um before you answered that question, like the spouse, but what what about somebody who's not that strong in their faith yet? Who's that they've they've fallen back, like they might not see those signs because of everything that you've been through. So somebody that is new in their walk, who's everything was going well, they've fallen back, they might not even see the signs that you're that you've seen, like what would be your advice to them?

SPEAKER_00 50:01

I think you need to in the beginning journey, because you're at the beginning of the journey with God, right? That's where you start praying, asking him to reveal things to you. Because sometimes at the at the beginning of your journey, you don't learn about these things, you don't learn about praying for things to be revealed for your eyes to be open, because I think that there's always signs, you're just not seeing the signs. There is always signs, and think about your standards and your morals for yourself. Have you actually um is that person displaying those things that you would like in somebody? Like seriously, seriously, because I feel like you are blinded by the sex side of things, that's what I meant about the soul tie. So you can be blinded by the sex side and you're not seeing the rest of it, but I'm gonna go back again. I was one of those people before this whole celibacy situation where because I was like, I had a high sex drive and I enjoyed sex with that person, they were doing so many things that was red flags, but I was ignoring them just because of that part of the relationship, thinking that oh, they still love me or whatever, we have good sex, we connect really well, whatever. Just there's always stuff that's there. We just choose to ignore them. You are making a choice to ignore the signs that are there. I do not believe that people do not see stuff. That's a lie. Well, I didn't see it. Yeah, you did. You're lying to yourself. I don't believe that. And I'm saying that as someone that denied it, and I saw it, but because I was just so caught up in like this great what what I was trying to create as being a great relationship, I felt like I couldn't see those things or whatever. But I could because, for example, you might have had a great night together, and in the morning, like you're having an argument over something so silly, or they're disrespecting you in the way they talk to you, or whatever, but you're ignoring that because you had a great night last night.

SPEAKER_01 51:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 51:46

Do you know what I'm saying? Because you're thinking, oh, but like you're still living off the adrenaline of that, but then they disrespected you the next day, or they ignored your phone call when normally they answer your phone call, or they they like they dissed you in a text, or they kind of like, do you know what I mean? They're doing all these things. That is not obvious, yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? But like I said, even in the beginning of your relationship with Elohim, and you're feeling like, okay, I'm not that strong with God. Well, you may think you're not that strong of God, but you're building, and you need to start off with him uh praying for him to open your spiritual eyes to what you cannot see. What is that person doing? Like they would like, you know, who's the type of spouse do you have for me? Is this the person? And then you start seeing all these things, and you're like, mmm, my gosh, you know, you know, you see stuff that you didn't, you didn't even know they were like that. You you knew they were like that, but it didn't bother you until your spiritual eye was open. Then you're like, whoa, this is serious, you know? And I'm flashing back to that point, like I said, when I wasn't celibate and I was so caught up in the sexual side of the relationship with that person. But they were doing things, they were doing loads of stuff. The amount of stuff I faced in that relationship, I'm like, rah, really? I would have never taken that if I was in this stage of my, you know, life now. But I was ignoring it because I just thought we're in a relationship, they love me, sex is good, um, it's not that bad, you know. You kind of start, you know, shutting it down, whatever, whatever. But then you're having like these, these, these stinking conversations where you're swearing at each other and you know, whatever, and you feel disrespected, you don't feel that loved, but because of the sex you feel loved. No. Mm-mm. No. Open your eyes, my brother. Open my eye, open your eyes, my sister. It is it is not what you think it is. It's not what you think it is. And you need to pray, you need to pray hard, you need to pray hard, you know, you need to really pray. Like, if is this the path you want to continue on? Um, is this what you want to continue doing? Is this how you want to live your life? Do you want to continue having sex with this person outside of marriage? Um, if you're growing in your relationship with God, what what benefit does this bring you? Is this pushing you forward in your relationship with God or is it pulling you away? Or is it keeping you stunted? Are you not moving? Do you see movement in your life? Start to really take take control of what's happening around you and just say, Do you know what? I don't know if I want this for myself.

SPEAKER_01 54:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:16

Pray, kneel down and speak to your father in heaven, and the rest will follow. You don't have to do everything in a day. I'm not saying go today, like, oh yeah, yeah, I'm dumping you. No, I'm not saying that. Just go to him, give everything up to him, he'll work out the rest. You'll see bit by bit, he will start to reveal things to you, he'll start to work things out for you, and eventually, trust me, he'll even help you. Because I feel like removing myself from that situation and that relationship, I didn't really have to do anything. God did it for me. I'm being serious because the person's behavior just got so ridiculous and so disrespectful. I was like, there's no way you can stay in this. So it just became easy to remove myself because there was so much, and bearing in mind at the beginning I was not seeing this in this person. It was a complete 360. It was like, whoa, what happened here? And um, it just made it easier for God to remove that person. It just made it so much easier.

SPEAKER_01 55:15

Yeah, and it made me think about going back to Joseph's story, my last point. Um is for those people who are in a relationship and Yar has told you to leave them, and you get the strength to leave them, but then you feel like everything is just going downhill, and you just think that I should have just stayed with that person. Maybe he may maybe that's why he brought me back to um Joseph because Joseph um fleed, right? He left his garment and um she then said that she went to her husband, which was Potiphar, and said that he assaulted her and and her husband believed his wife, and Joseph was sent to prison. And within that, like you could think to yourself, like, but wow, this this person is like a a man of Yah. But Yah had something so amazing for him because Joseph was interpreting dreams in prison, right? That Potipar started to have dreams that nobody could interpret. Then he had to go back to Joseph, the man that he put in prison.

SPEAKER_00 56:26

Prison.

SPEAKER_01 56:27

Yeah. For his wife accusing him of because he was she was saying, like, lay with me, and he didn't want to lay with her. And he do you know what I mean? So, like, sometimes you might feel like you've lost your pot of gold for that moment, but he has something bigger for you. And I he just told me to just to just to just say that, like just like Joseph, and Joseph's story's deep, you know. Not say his brother sold him into slavery, then tutus. Do you know what I mean? There's so much things, but at the end of the day, if you obey and you follow him, even though it's not easy, even though you're gonna have trials, he hears you, he hears you. Um calling myself Shay. I want to thank you so much for being vulnerable, and I think this is what we need to do as children of the art to be vulnerable because there's so many of us that are going through things behind closed doors, and we just all want to look like the good saints, that we don't go through nothing, and that's what Satan wants, he wants us to be divided. But if we come together and we pray together, and we say, like, you know what, I'm struggling with this, and I'm struggling with that again. Somebody that is you that you can unite with, I must stress that somebody that that will that will that will correct you in love, not correct you to condemn you. Get that I've I would really I really need to stress that because there's there's Satan's agents are out there to break you down even more, I'm telling you. So make sure you find the correct um person that that you can connect with and pray about that person. Can this sister or can this brother pray for me while I'm struggling with this? Do you know like even like sometimes like with like me and Shay with just different stuff? We could be like, Do you know what pray for me? I'm I'm sh I'm full, I feel like I'm falling. And these times we don't even know what each other's talking about, but you will just pray because y'all knows. Do you know what I mean? You don't even have to go deep into detail, yeah. And because y'all knows, and as he says, where two or three are gathered, he is there. And you know, I really love this podcast, like month of love, and um so they say, and because I'm sure whenever this podcast comes out, we're in February right now, but maybe this podcast might come out in April. I'm saying March. None match is full, so probably April, April or May. And this is how much we love you guys because we're we're recording, but you just don't know.

SPEAKER_00 58:59

No, yeah, but you're welcome, man.

SPEAKER_01 59:04

You do your last penny drop.

SPEAKER_00 59:06

Yeah, Cece, you're welcome, guys. You're welcome. I feel like this was therapy for me. It was therapy for me. I feel like um I don't know if I haven't spoken about it since then, whenever. It's been about I don't know now. I don't know how long it's been since I've even touched on it,

Self Forgiveness And A Clean Slate

SPEAKER_00 59:26

to be honest. It's been it's been over, I mean, it's been a year since I fell. Um, but it's been like under a year since I've removed myself from the situation and I haven't done anything else. But um it is it's a tough journey, and I try not to think about it because I think if I do, I will continue to like constantly condemn myself. So I've just seen it as a clean slate and just continue to just go forward because we can't just keep um attacking ourselves and you know it's it's not what God wants us to do. And it took me a while because I kept saying, like, I've asked for forgiveness and God has forgiven me, but I still hadn't forgiven myself, and um it was really hard, but I had to, I think God knew what he was doing. He sent me different forms of um different forms of distraction in a good way um to remove me from being caught up in my head, and um he really does love us because I didn't I wouldn't think that I'd be okay at this point. I thought I would be condemning myself for a really, really long time. And it's been great to be candid and open with you guys because it's I don't think I I know anyone that's really been on this journey um the way I have, and I've been attacked through the years, like, oh yeah, you know, no husband, no man is gonna wait for you. And I've heard so many things from different men, and I'm like, yeah, it was hurtful, but then it was just to the point where it's like you know, you don't you don't determine my salvation. Like, yeah, what you're saying might be hurtful, but you know, I don't want to be at heaven's door and hear the words Move from me, I do not know you. Yeah, that's it, thank you. That I don't want to hear that. I want to see my mansion in heaven and I want all my loved ones to be there with me. I have to push and can continue to intercede. I'm a vessel for my family, I'm a vessel for um my immediate family and that I have now with my child, and like I have to keep pushing. And so, yeah, we have to keep going because Yah has kept us alive for a reason. We're still going for a reason, he still sees purpose in us, and that's just what I have to hold on

Closing Prayer For Strength

SPEAKER_00 1:01:41

to. Um, so I'm just gonna pray now and give this all up to him. Elohim, Yahuwah, Alpha and Amiga are beginning and the end. I really want to give you just praises and thanksgiving for this subject that you've laid upon CeC. I didn't really think or realize how much I needed to just, I guess, let go. Um, and just let go of this burden that I I didn't know I was carrying, to be honest. Even though I'd prayed about it and I feel like I've moved forward, but it's been a hard journey, but you've been there with me every step of the way. And thank you for the opportunity to be able to now share this with others. I want to lift up my brothers and sisters to you, Lord in heaven, who may be on this journey and struggling. Lord, our body is the temple that you've created and given us. Help us, Lord in heaven, with the way we can take care of our health, the way that we can abstain from drinking and smoking and eating healthy. Help us to remember also that abstaining from sex is also another healthy way to take care of our bodies. Help us, heavenly Father, Lord, in the midst of the struggle, as we in are in waiting for the spouse that you have in store for us, that you're preparing for us. Help us, Lord, in the midst of abstinence, in the midst of celibacy. Lord, our journeys are different and guide us, Lord, in heaven. In how you would like us to go. What do you want us to do in our single time without a husband or a wife? What do you want to use us for? There's so much we can do as people who are abstaining from this life, whether we are single, whether we're doing it within a relationship leading up to marriage, there's still so much that we can do in this time for your kingdom. And so clear our minds, help our minds to be clear, draw the Holy Spirit to us and guide us on the path that you have in store for us. Help us to not resist and reject what you have in store for us, the characteristics you are building, the characteristics that you are removing. Help us, Lord in heaven, to not reject that, to be cooperative with you on this journey, Lord. Thank you so much, Lord in Heaven, for what you're about to do through this episode. I pray that it touches and reaches the individual or individuals that you'd like it to touch, Lord. I pray that we can share it and spread it to anybody that we know that's struggling, or may not even have knowledge of the fact that our temple, you've created it for us to be intimate within our marital bed with our spouses, Lord, with the person that you've created for us to be binded in a covenant of marriage. Some people are not aware of that, and I so I so I pray that you will let this episode reach far and wide to that individual who needs to hear this, Lord. Thank you so much, Lord, for your time and for listening. Your blessed son's name, Yahweh, as we pray. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:46

Amen. See you guys soon.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:49

See you guys.