{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":0.639,"endTime":4.71,"body":"I have in"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":0.639,"endTime":4.71,"body":"my hands a square ish object."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":5.14,"endTime":8.36,"body":"It's probably like five by six inches."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":8.74,"endTime":13.86,"body":"It's this really beautiful blue color,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":8.74,"endTime":13.86,"body":"almost like you're looking up at the sky."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":13.86,"endTime":18.809,"body":"It has a lock with a kind of metal"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":13.86,"endTime":18.809,"body":"latch off to the side as well."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":20.305,"endTime":22.635,"body":"Gabrielle Blackwell"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":20.305,"endTime":22.635,"body":"was a child when she found her"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":22.635,"endTime":26.044,"body":"mother's journal, and what she"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":22.635,"endTime":26.044,"body":"read inside of it changed her."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":26.515,"endTime":29.055,"body":"It says, this"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":26.515,"endTime":29.055,"body":"is for all your deep, dark secrets."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":29.584,"endTime":32.644,"body":"It will help you remember"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":29.584,"endTime":32.644,"body":"all the good and bad times."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":33.235,"endTime":34.274,"body":"I'm Lisa Weiss."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":34.654,"endTime":38.974,"body":"This is Object Diaries, stories"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":34.654,"endTime":38.974,"body":"about human connection told"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":39.034,"endTime":41.044,"body":"one secret object at a time."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":41.405,"endTime":43.135,"body":"I found"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":41.405,"endTime":43.135,"body":"the journal at eight years old."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":43.355,"endTime":45.875,"body":"I believed it until I was 27."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":46.71,"endTime":49.08,"body":"I had this truth that was actually a lie."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":50.21,"endTime":53.41,"body":"Gabrielle was 28 when"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":50.21,"endTime":53.41,"body":"she wrote me a letter about a secret"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":53.41,"endTime":56.87,"body":"diary that she discovered in her"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":53.41,"endTime":56.87,"body":"mother's drawer as a young child."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":57.779,"endTime":61.97,"body":"If this were only about a secret"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":57.779,"endTime":61.97,"body":"diary, it would be a good story."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":62.75,"endTime":64.76,"body":"But this is so much more than that."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":65.59,"endTime":70.207,"body":"It's about mothers and daughters,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":65.59,"endTime":70.207,"body":"about the secrets we carry, and how"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":70.207,"endTime":74.511,"body":"sometimes an ordinary object can become"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":70.207,"endTime":74.511,"body":"an extraordinary tool for healing."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":74.511,"endTime":77.249,"body":"The story begins in the late 1990s."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":82.29,"endTime":84.85,"body":"Gabrielle was the child"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":82.29,"endTime":84.85,"body":"of a single working mom."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":85.2,"endTime":86.32,"body":"She didn't know her dad."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":86.56,"endTime":88.84,"body":"In fact, there was a lot she didn't know."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":89.27,"endTime":91.559,"body":"Right around seven"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":89.27,"endTime":91.559,"body":"or eight is when I started noticing that I"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":91.559,"endTime":95.9,"body":"was one of the only kids that didn't have"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":91.559,"endTime":95.9,"body":"a dad, that didn't grow up with a dad."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":97.559,"endTime":100.099,"body":"Gabrielle says she"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":97.559,"endTime":100.099,"body":"tried to ask her mom questions about"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":100.099,"endTime":103.539,"body":"her dad, but she doesn't remember"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":100.099,"endTime":103.539,"body":"getting many satisfying answers."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":104.02,"endTime":107.64,"body":"It just seemed like one day he was"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":104.02,"endTime":107.64,"body":"in the picture, kind of, and then he"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":107.64,"endTime":109.56,"body":"was gone, and she didn't know why."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":109.97,"endTime":111.99,"body":"You start"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":109.97,"endTime":111.99,"body":"realizing that there's a loss there,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":111.99,"endTime":113.52,"body":"that there's this emptiness there."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":116.399,"endTime":118.07,"body":"Gabrielle"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":116.399,"endTime":118.07,"body":"found herself home alone."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":118.57,"endTime":119.029,"body":"A lot."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":120.11,"endTime":121.46,"body":"And"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":120.11,"endTime":121.46,"body":"I would just go exploring."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":122.399,"endTime":123.799,"body":"And I'm like, all right, I'm nosy."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":123.799,"endTime":125.309,"body":"Let's find, let's see what we can find."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":126.519,"endTime":130.249,"body":"And I open up a drawer and"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":126.519,"endTime":130.249,"body":"there's my mom's journal, right?"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":130.28,"endTime":132.154,"body":"So I was just like, Ooh, what is this?"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":132.954,"endTime":136.635,"body":"There, tucked away in that"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":132.954,"endTime":136.635,"body":"drawer, was a journal with a dreamy"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":136.635,"endTime":140.105,"body":"sky blue cover and the inscription"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":136.635,"endTime":140.105,"body":"you heard at the start of the show."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":140.995,"endTime":144.465,"body":"This is for all your deep, dark secrets."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":146.815,"endTime":149.924,"body":"I just remember,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":146.815,"endTime":149.924,"body":"like, sitting down in one of the couches"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":149.924,"endTime":153.024,"body":"by myself and just reading the journal"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":149.924,"endTime":153.024,"body":"and reading the words of my mother"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":153.035,"endTime":155.265,"body":"back from before I was even a thought."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":155.774,"endTime":157.755,"body":"Gabrielle's mother"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":155.774,"endTime":157.755,"body":"was a college student when she"},{"speaker":"Lisa 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written in the journal, but there"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":173.285,"endTime":176.665,"body":"was enough left for Gabrielle to start"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":176.694,"endTime":178.824,"body":"piecing together her parents story."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":179.075,"endTime":181.424,"body":"It's an"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":179.075,"endTime":181.424,"body":"extramarital relationship, and then"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":181.424,"endTime":183.125,"body":"there's this pregnancy that happens."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":183.265,"endTime":185.515,"body":"And it seems as though, like,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":183.265,"endTime":185.515,"body":"in that moment when my mom was"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":185.515,"endTime":189.305,"body":"pregnant, there was this divide"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":185.515,"endTime":189.305,"body":"between her and my father, right?"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":189.305,"endTime":194.345,"body":"So I'm like, okay, just The fact that"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":189.305,"endTime":194.345,"body":"I existed drove away these two people."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":194.965,"endTime":198.195,"body":"And then, Gabrielle says"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":194.965,"endTime":198.195,"body":"she read this one line that would"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":198.195,"endTime":200.314,"body":"haunt her for the next 20 years."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":200.625,"endTime":204.035,"body":"My mom in the journal"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":200.625,"endTime":204.035,"body":"says, you know, I just had Gabrielle, I"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":204.035,"endTime":206.255,"body":"love her, but I, I just don't like her."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":207.035,"endTime":209.594,"body":"I love her,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":207.035,"endTime":209.594,"body":"but I don't like her."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":210.785,"endTime":212.394,"body":"Those words stuck with Gabrielle."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":212.654,"endTime":214.844,"body":"She played them over and over in her mind."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":215.324,"endTime":217.525,"body":"She wondered whether her"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":215.324,"endTime":217.525,"body":"dad felt the same way."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":217.965,"endTime":220.484,"body":"I just started"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":217.965,"endTime":220.484,"body":"constructing something to make sense"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":220.484,"endTime":221.825,"body":"out of the fact that he wasn't there."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle 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her because of me."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":236.515,"endTime":237.815,"body":"And that's why I have no dad."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":238.655,"endTime":241.454,"body":"Gabrielle secretly"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":238.655,"endTime":241.454,"body":"read the journal a few times"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":241.454,"endTime":242.885,"body":"before confronting her mom."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":243.515,"endTime":245.265,"body":"Then I remember"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":243.515,"endTime":245.265,"body":"telling her one day, I was like,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":245.334,"endTime":247.095,"body":"I found your journal, right?"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":247.104,"endTime":249.874,"body":"She's like, oh Gabrielle, I can't"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":247.104,"endTime":249.874,"body":"believe you did that, and you read it."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":250.735,"endTime":252.485,"body":"Her mom moved"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":250.735,"endTime":252.485,"body":"the journal after that."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":253.374,"endTime":257.209,"body":"And because she and her mom had a hard"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":253.374,"endTime":257.209,"body":"time communicating, Gabrielle's chance"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":257.209,"endTime":261.38,"body":"of finding out more about her parents"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":257.209,"endTime":261.38,"body":"relationship disappeared with the journal."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":264.71,"endTime":266.469,"body":"Gabrielle's"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":264.71,"endTime":266.469,"body":"dad is older than me."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":267.07,"endTime":270.01,"body":"He was a senior when I was a sophomore."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":270.309,"endTime":272.59,"body":"That's Pamela"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":270.309,"endTime":272.59,"body":"Blackwell, Gabrielle's mom."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":273.069,"endTime":275.809,"body":"We spoke not long after I"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":273.069,"endTime":275.809,"body":"first connected with Gabrielle."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":276.059,"endTime":279.939,"body":"She's much more of an open book these days"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":276.059,"endTime":279.939,"body":"about a relationship that was complicated."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":280.12,"endTime":281.14,"body":"We were friends."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":281.79,"endTime":282.76,"body":"Very good friends."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":283.43,"endTime":284.849,"body":"They were"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":283.43,"endTime":284.849,"body":"both in relationships."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":285.159,"endTime":286.92,"body":"But they started to see each other anyway."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":289.224,"endTime":291.474,"body":"There were things"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":289.224,"endTime":291.474,"body":"about our relationships that we"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":291.624,"endTime":295.644,"body":"were not happy with, at least"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":291.624,"endTime":295.644,"body":"that's what I thought at the time."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":296.124,"endTime":300.735,"body":"And I felt like we were kind of"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":296.124,"endTime":300.735,"body":"like filling a void for each other."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":301.484,"endTime":305.234,"body":"He graduated, moved"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":301.484,"endTime":305.234,"body":"away, got married, had a child."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":305.654,"endTime":310.255,"body":"Then in her senior year of college, he"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":305.654,"endTime":310.255,"body":"was having problems in his marriage and"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":310.265,"endTime":311.745,"body":"they started seeing each other again."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":312.674,"endTime":316.775,"body":"Pamela is religious and she felt"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":312.674,"endTime":316.775,"body":"really bad about the affair."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":317.745,"endTime":320.115,"body":"I appreciated"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":317.745,"endTime":320.115,"body":"him and I loved him and everything,"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":320.375,"endTime":322.555,"body":"but I felt guilty about it too."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":322.995,"endTime":325.854,"body":"I would pray all the time,"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":322.995,"endTime":325.854,"body":"like, Oh God, please forgive me."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":325.854,"endTime":326.495,"body":"Please forgive me."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":326.495,"endTime":327.235,"body":"Please forgive me."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":327.685,"endTime":330.414,"body":"She channeled all that"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":327.685,"endTime":330.414,"body":"guilt and sadness into a journal"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":330.425,"endTime":332.025,"body":"given to her by a college roommate."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":332.419,"endTime":336.969,"body":"And so, I know that I"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":332.419,"endTime":336.969,"body":"was writing things about that relationship"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":336.979,"endTime":339.3,"body":"with Gabrielle's dad in the journal."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":339.349,"endTime":341.5,"body":"And so that was a big secret."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":341.85,"endTime":343.67,"body":"You know, very few people knew."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":344.22,"endTime":347.11,"body":"I even went and like, crossed stuff out."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":347.11,"endTime":348.75,"body":"Cause I'm like, I really"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":347.11,"endTime":348.75,"body":"don't want anybody to know."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":348.75,"endTime":352.139,"body":"If anybody picks up this book, I'm"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":348.75,"endTime":352.139,"body":"scratching certain things out of there."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":353.579,"endTime":355.269,"body":"Eventually,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":353.579,"endTime":355.269,"body":"she broke things off."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":355.27,"endTime":357.26,"body":"It was"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":355.27,"endTime":357.26,"body":"my last year of college."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":357.909,"endTime":361.05,"body":"But then, there was"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":357.909,"endTime":361.05,"body":"this one day after graduation."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":361.54,"endTime":365.98,"body":"On the day that"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":361.54,"endTime":365.98,"body":"I got my first job offer, um,"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":365.99,"endTime":367.35,"body":"he's like, Hey, let's celebrate."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":368.48,"endTime":371.52,"body":"I shouldn't have, you know, I had"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":368.48,"endTime":371.52,"body":"canceled, but I called him back and said,"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":371.58,"endTime":373.429,"body":"Oh yeah, let's get together and celebrate."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":373.46,"endTime":375.0,"body":"And we did."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":375.819,"endTime":377.87,"body":"And so Gabrielle was a surprise."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":379.13,"endTime":382.289,"body":"Pamela found herself"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":379.13,"endTime":382.289,"body":"very unexpectedly pregnant."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":382.83,"endTime":383.94,"body":"She was 23."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":384.32,"endTime":386.65,"body":"She had just started her first job."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":386.7,"endTime":391.72,"body":"I wasn't exactly"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":386.7,"endTime":391.72,"body":"sure what to do, but I did think"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":392.07,"endTime":393.53,"body":"two wrongs don't make a right."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":393.98,"endTime":400.05,"body":"I felt like God knew my heart and I"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":393.98,"endTime":400.05,"body":"felt like he gave me this gift, right?"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":400.77,"endTime":403.18,"body":"And now I have an opportunity here."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":403.779,"endTime":408.439,"body":"And so my opportunity is"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":403.779,"endTime":408.439,"body":"to embrace this new life."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":409.4,"endTime":411.96,"body":"Gabrielle's father"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":409.4,"endTime":411.96,"body":"wasn't looking to have another child."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":412.605,"endTime":415.515,"body":"When I talked"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":412.605,"endTime":415.515,"body":"to him, he wasn't happy about it."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":416.115,"endTime":418.915,"body":"And I was like, Hey, you"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":416.115,"endTime":418.915,"body":"know, don't worry about it."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":419.344,"endTime":421.724,"body":"You go live your life and"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":419.344,"endTime":421.724,"body":"I'm going to live my life."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":422.005,"endTime":426.325,"body":"And the result of that"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":422.005,"endTime":426.325,"body":"is Gabrielle's an angel."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":427.224,"endTime":431.794,"body":"She was a delight and she just"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":427.224,"endTime":431.794,"body":"lit up my whole world every day."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":432.574,"endTime":437.975,"body":"She was smart and she was talented and"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":432.574,"endTime":437.975,"body":"she was excited and she loved to learn"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":437.975,"endTime":444.924,"body":"and, you know, and it was just everything"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":437.975,"endTime":444.924,"body":"that she did was just, was just wonderful."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":447.354,"endTime":450.405,"body":"As much as Pamela"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":447.354,"endTime":450.405,"body":"delights in her daughter, as much as"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":450.405,"endTime":454.344,"body":"she adores her, they haven't always"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":450.405,"endTime":454.344,"body":"had the easiest time communicating"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":454.354,"endTime":455.794,"body":"about the depths of that love."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":456.594,"endTime":460.695,"body":"And unbeknownst to Pamela, that line that"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":456.594,"endTime":460.695,"body":"Gabrielle had read her in her mother's"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":460.695,"endTime":465.594,"body":"journal, I love her, but I don't like"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":460.695,"endTime":465.594,"body":"her, hummed in the background for years."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":466.1,"endTime":469.48,"body":"A secret source of pain that"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":466.1,"endTime":469.48,"body":"colored all their interactions."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":472.64,"endTime":476.119,"body":"I think that there"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":472.64,"endTime":476.119,"body":"are things that she struggled with"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":476.2,"endTime":479.609,"body":"that I don't necessarily understand."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":480.28,"endTime":486.26,"body":"And I think that she allowed herself to"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":480.28,"endTime":486.26,"body":"believe some things that weren't true."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":487.069,"endTime":494.319,"body":"At some point in time, she convinced"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":487.069,"endTime":494.319,"body":"herself that I thought she was a mistake."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":494.75,"endTime":497.099,"body":"And their conversations"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":494.75,"endTime":497.099,"body":"about that over the years have"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":497.12,"endTime":498.86,"body":"not always been productive."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":499.55,"endTime":502.61,"body":"Their struggles to communicate"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":499.55,"endTime":502.61,"body":"extend well beyond the drama"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":502.62,"endTime":504.26,"body":"over Pamela's secret journal."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":504.64,"endTime":505.95,"body":"Here's Gabrielle again."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":506.26,"endTime":508.789,"body":"I remember having"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":506.26,"endTime":508.789,"body":"a conversation with my mom and it was"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":508.789,"endTime":510.75,"body":"a tumultuous time in our relationship."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":511.18,"endTime":514.14,"body":"I was just kind of not understanding"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":511.18,"endTime":514.14,"body":"why my dad wasn't around, why it was"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":514.14,"endTime":516.089,"body":"really hard to talk to her about him."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":516.78,"endTime":519.65,"body":"One thing leads to another and I"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":516.78,"endTime":519.65,"body":"just remember her being like, Well,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":519.65,"endTime":520.65,"body":"what would you have had me do?"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":520.66,"endTime":521.92,"body":"Like, had an abortion?"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":522.36,"endTime":523.309,"body":"Question mark."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":523.47,"endTime":524.74,"body":"It's an intense moment."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":524.79,"endTime":527.85,"body":"Essentially, I felt like I"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":524.79,"endTime":527.85,"body":"was just left in the dark."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":528.129,"endTime":529.14,"body":"Years go by."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":529.37,"endTime":533.26,"body":"And in that time, Gabrielle struggles"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":529.37,"endTime":533.26,"body":"with who she is, her family,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":533.34,"endTime":534.87,"body":"and her own place in the world."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":535.07,"endTime":537.79,"body":"I've had a really"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":535.07,"endTime":537.79,"body":"hard time with understanding how to"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":537.79,"endTime":539.77,"body":"love myself and how to like myself."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":540.155,"endTime":543.145,"body":"The stress hits an"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":540.155,"endTime":543.145,"body":"apex when Gabrielle is at work."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":543.245,"endTime":545.325,"body":"This happened just a few years back."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":545.605,"endTime":548.944,"body":"Gabrielle was in Portland,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":545.605,"endTime":548.944,"body":"Oregon, more than 1, 500 miles"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":548.944,"endTime":550.444,"body":"away from where she grew up."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":550.835,"endTime":553.804,"body":"The stress of her day at work"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":550.835,"endTime":553.804,"body":"triggered deep emotional trauma"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":553.875,"endTime":555.525,"body":"and Gabrielle had a breakdown."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":556.214,"endTime":558.154,"body":"It's so severe she's hospitalized."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":558.784,"endTime":560.945,"body":"Her mom flew out to Portland right away."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":562.355,"endTime":565.615,"body":"During those dead hours between"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":562.355,"endTime":565.615,"body":"visiting time and Gabrielle being"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":565.615,"endTime":570.204,"body":"treated at the hospital, Pamela starts"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":565.615,"endTime":570.204,"body":"snooping around her daughter's house."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":571.255,"endTime":575.575,"body":"By this point, Gabrielle had become a"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":571.255,"endTime":575.575,"body":"prolific writer and journaler herself,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":575.865,"endTime":578.624,"body":"keeping more than 15 journals as an adult."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":579.439,"endTime":583.699,"body":"And during Gabrielle's nervous"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":579.439,"endTime":583.699,"body":"breakdown, Pamela finds these journals."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":584.16,"endTime":587.06,"body":"I was a bit"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":584.16,"endTime":587.06,"body":"of a snoop in her house, but for"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":587.06,"endTime":589.82,"body":"a purpose, not just to be nosy."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":590.48,"endTime":596.57,"body":"And I read in one of her journals"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":590.48,"endTime":596.57,"body":"some things that she thought"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":596.619,"endTime":598.12,"body":"and was very angry about."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":598.53,"endTime":600.65,"body":"And I was like, well, this isn't true."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":601.31,"endTime":602.18,"body":"This isn't true."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":602.63,"endTime":603.53,"body":"This isn't true."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":603.69,"endTime":604.74,"body":"I never said that."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":604.83,"endTime":606.829,"body":"You know, why does she,"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":604.83,"endTime":606.829,"body":"why does she think that?"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":608.18,"endTime":610.04,"body":"A daughter"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":608.18,"endTime":610.04,"body":"reads her mother's diary."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":610.295,"endTime":612.135,"body":"And a mother reads her daughters."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":612.564,"endTime":613.995,"body":"Is it a mutual betrayal?"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":614.345,"endTime":618.205,"body":"Or is it a way to talk about things"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":614.345,"endTime":618.205,"body":"that are just too difficult to say?"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":618.995,"endTime":622.504,"body":"I think we've all had those times"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":618.995,"endTime":622.504,"body":"in our relationships as parents"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":622.785,"endTime":625.265,"body":"or as children, when we don't"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":622.785,"endTime":625.265,"body":"know how to talk to each other."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":625.614,"endTime":628.775,"body":"Still, I wanted to understand"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":625.614,"endTime":628.775,"body":"how the words they wrote seemed"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":628.785,"endTime":630.145,"body":"to take on a life of their own."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":630.575,"endTime":631.955,"body":"I asked Gabrielle's mom."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":632.569,"endTime":634.43,"body":"Do you think words can be things?"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":634.859,"endTime":636.479,"body":"Can words be things?"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":636.939,"endTime":638.819,"body":"Um, I don't know."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":639.319,"endTime":641.359,"body":"I think feelings are things."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":642.03,"endTime":643.6,"body":"I don't know if words are things."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":643.93,"endTime":645.56,"body":"Cause, at least for me."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":646.439,"endTime":648.849,"body":"Somehow she got this feeling."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":649.329,"endTime":651.229,"body":"Um, and then she carried it with her."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":651.399,"endTime":653.676,"body":"We carry so many different things with us."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":653.676,"endTime":659.77,"body":"I think we carry, you"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":653.676,"endTime":659.77,"body":"know, definitely carry memories, right?"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":659.78,"endTime":662.73,"body":"And our perceptions of those memories."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":663.005,"endTime":666.735,"body":"And memories all by themselves"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":663.005,"endTime":666.735,"body":"are very interesting because"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":667.055,"endTime":668.815,"body":"you and I can be two people."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":668.845,"endTime":671.125,"body":"Let's say we were twins, right?"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":671.145,"endTime":676.205,"body":"And we experienced life together and"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":671.145,"endTime":676.205,"body":"we have a lot of the same experiences."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":676.765,"endTime":679.764,"body":"Our memories wouldn't necessarily"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":676.765,"endTime":679.764,"body":"be the same because what you"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":679.795,"endTime":686.194,"body":"remember has to do with the"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":679.795,"endTime":686.194,"body":"impact that experience had on you."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":691.764,"endTime":695.154,"body":"After Gabrielle recovered from"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":691.764,"endTime":695.154,"body":"her breakdown, she went to visit her mom."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":695.624,"endTime":696.525,"body":"It was a good visit."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":696.9,"endTime":700.32,"body":"And Gabrielle asked if she could find"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":696.9,"endTime":700.32,"body":"some old photos to bring home with her."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":700.7,"endTime":704.24,"body":"You might have figured out already"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":700.7,"endTime":704.24,"body":"that she found more than photos."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":704.745,"endTime":706.185,"body":"She's like,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":704.745,"endTime":706.185,"body":"you know, just go into the den"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":706.185,"endTime":708.115,"body":"and look in one of the closets."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":708.165,"endTime":712.125,"body":"So I was just taking out like"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":708.165,"endTime":712.125,"body":"banker boxes full of photos and as"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":712.125,"endTime":713.844,"body":"I was digging, I came across it."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":714.015,"endTime":717.145,"body":"I'm like, I've been searching"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":714.015,"endTime":717.145,"body":"for this thing for so long."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":717.964,"endTime":720.365,"body":"That it was the secret diary."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":720.605,"endTime":721.865,"body":"She found it again."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":722.125,"endTime":723.565,"body":"After 20 years,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":723.805,"endTime":724.505,"body":"there it was."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":724.845,"endTime":728.275,"body":"I brought it into my room and I just read"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":724.845,"endTime":728.275,"body":"like, I just, all I wanted to do was just"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":728.275,"endTime":730.235,"body":"to read those words that it haunted me."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":730.824,"endTime":733.765,"body":"Somehow the journal"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":730.824,"endTime":733.765,"body":"had changed in 20 years."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":733.765,"endTime":737.204,"body":"It's like, For one, Gabrielle"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":733.765,"endTime":737.204,"body":"realized it wasn't full."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":737.645,"endTime":739.845,"body":"In fact, it wasn't even half full."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":740.515,"endTime":744.175,"body":"Gabrielle also found herself relating"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":740.515,"endTime":744.175,"body":"to her mom's writing in new ways."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":744.785,"endTime":746.675,"body":"Gabrielle was in her twenties now."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":746.905,"endTime":750.175,"body":"Her mom was in her twenties when she"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":746.905,"endTime":750.175,"body":"wrote the journal in the first place."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":750.595,"endTime":752.785,"body":"It was, um,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":750.595,"endTime":752.785,"body":"this interesting experience of"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":752.79,"endTime":755.635,"body":"being like, you know, my mom has"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":752.79,"endTime":755.635,"body":"literally gone through the exact"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":755.635,"endTime":757.015,"body":"same things that I've gone through,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":757.615,"endTime":760.195,"body":"but most amazingly,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":757.615,"endTime":760.195,"body":"that phrase that helped"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":760.195,"endTime":761.095,"body":"define Gabrielle's life."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":761.72,"endTime":763.069,"body":"was nowhere to be found."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":763.65,"endTime":768.819,"body":"The phrase, \"I love her, but I don't"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":763.65,"endTime":768.819,"body":"like her\" didn't exist in those pages."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":768.99,"endTime":770.689,"body":"I read"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":768.99,"endTime":770.689,"body":"through it, like, I'm going to"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":770.689,"endTime":774.56,"body":"find the page, I'm going to find"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":770.689,"endTime":774.56,"body":"those words, I know it's true."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":774.94,"endTime":777.38,"body":"Um, and the words never were there."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":777.75,"endTime":778.799,"body":"I cried all night long."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":779.805,"endTime":782.935,"body":"just carrying around a truth, like a"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":779.805,"endTime":782.935,"body":"heaviness that I didn't need to carry."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":783.425,"endTime":785.254,"body":"Her memory had betrayed her."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":785.915,"endTime":787.244,"body":"I"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":785.915,"endTime":787.244,"body":"never saw that phrase."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":787.244,"endTime":790.384,"body":"I mean, never in the journal ever said"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":787.244,"endTime":790.384,"body":"that she didn't like me, and that was just"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":790.394,"endTime":794.194,"body":"something I've kind of carried with me my"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":790.394,"endTime":794.194,"body":"entire lifetime, feeling, you know, maybe"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":794.194,"endTime":799.604,"body":"an ounce of shame of being kind of like"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":794.194,"endTime":799.604,"body":"an other child or not being born, um, to"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":799.604,"endTime":801.334,"body":"a married couple, whatever else it is."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":802.174,"endTime":804.924,"body":"Gabrielle hid the"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":802.174,"endTime":804.924,"body":"journal and took it home with her."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":805.28,"endTime":806.7,"body":"She read and reread it."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":807.16,"endTime":809.99,"body":"She thought about how young"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":807.16,"endTime":809.99,"body":"her mom was when she had her."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":810.61,"endTime":813.15,"body":"She started to feel a new sense"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":810.61,"endTime":813.15,"body":"of connection with her mother."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":813.59,"endTime":815.62,"body":"And then she did something unexpected."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":816.15,"endTime":818.27,"body":"She started to journal"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":816.15,"endTime":818.27,"body":"in the diary herself."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":818.719,"endTime":822.549,"body":"Using those blank pages to have a"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":818.719,"endTime":822.549,"body":"conversation with her mom that she"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":822.55,"endTime":824.859,"body":"was never able to have in real life."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":825.4,"endTime":829.93,"body":"She even responds to what her mother"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":825.4,"endTime":829.93,"body":"wrote before Gabrielle was born."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":830.3,"endTime":832.819,"body":"There's a 21 year"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":830.3,"endTime":832.819,"body":"old, a 22 year old who's writing in"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":832.819,"endTime":836.979,"body":"this journal, and I, it's almost like"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":832.819,"endTime":836.979,"body":"out loud, I'm like, come on, you know?"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":836.979,"endTime":840.599,"body":"Like, when you watch a little kid"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":836.979,"endTime":840.599,"body":"almost, like, just doing things that"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":840.599,"endTime":843.659,"body":"don't make any sense, that they're"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":840.599,"endTime":843.659,"body":"gonna get hurt, you're like, oh man,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":843.659,"endTime":845.219,"body":"you should just know better, right?"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":845.219,"endTime":848.455,"body":"But, um, there's also"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":845.219,"endTime":848.455,"body":"this, like, All right."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":848.455,"endTime":852.305,"body":"Well, I've assumed that my mom is"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":848.455,"endTime":852.305,"body":"just going to know everything and"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":852.315,"endTime":855.475,"body":"you know, that she's never been my"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":852.315,"endTime":855.475,"body":"age and that she's never been, you"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":855.475,"endTime":857.395,"body":"know, in a place of not knowing."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":862.705,"endTime":865.765,"body":"Pamela, of course, was"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":862.705,"endTime":865.765,"body":"often in a place of not knowing"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":865.765,"endTime":867.105,"body":"what to do as a young adult."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":867.584,"endTime":871.624,"body":"And she's been in a place of not knowing"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":867.584,"endTime":871.624,"body":"as a parent too, not knowing why her"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":871.625,"endTime":875.314,"body":"daughter doesn't feel loved, not knowing"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":871.625,"endTime":875.314,"body":"how to help her daughter with some"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":875.314,"endTime":876.695,"body":"of the things she's struggling with."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":877.095,"endTime":881.714,"body":"To be a mother, on"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":877.095,"endTime":881.714,"body":"one hand, it's like the easiest thing."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":882.225,"endTime":886.865,"body":"But I think the older your kids"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":882.225,"endTime":886.865,"body":"get, the more difficult it becomes,"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":887.115,"endTime":891.555,"body":"you know, because you're, there's"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":887.115,"endTime":891.555,"body":"so many things you can do wrong."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":892.004,"endTime":894.505,"body":"There's so many things"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":892.004,"endTime":894.505,"body":"you can't anticipate."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":895.165,"endTime":896.905,"body":"There's so much you can't control."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":897.904,"endTime":901.184,"body":"The journal links the"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":897.904,"endTime":901.184,"body":"two women in another way as well."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":901.814,"endTime":905.764,"body":"When Gabrielle talks about unresolved"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":901.814,"endTime":905.764,"body":"pain from her childhood, she often"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":905.764,"endTime":907.764,"body":"talks about this void with her father."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":908.12,"endTime":911.65,"body":"Who she did end up reconnecting"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":908.12,"endTime":911.65,"body":"with later in childhood and having"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":911.65,"endTime":913.64,"body":"an up and down relationship with."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":914.819,"endTime":919.289,"body":"But there was something else that happened"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":914.819,"endTime":919.289,"body":"not long before Gabrielle first found"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":919.289,"endTime":921.169,"body":"her mother's journal as a young child."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":923.17,"endTime":926.75,"body":"I had this breakdown"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":923.17,"endTime":926.75,"body":"and I ended up in the hospital."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":928.28,"endTime":934.189,"body":"I was working like 70, 80 hour weeks and,"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":928.28,"endTime":934.189,"body":"you know, trying to balance everything."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":934.389,"endTime":938.909,"body":"And then I actually had a breakdown and"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":934.389,"endTime":938.909,"body":"ended up in the hospital for two weeks."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":939.89,"endTime":946.28,"body":"I got out I think on the 24th of the"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":939.89,"endTime":946.28,"body":"month and probably spent the next at least"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":946.28,"endTime":953.43,"body":"three months like what happened to me and"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":946.28,"endTime":953.43,"body":"being very ashamed of that and wondering"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":953.43,"endTime":957.519,"body":"what other people thought of me and it"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":953.43,"endTime":957.519,"body":"was this weakness, you know, what is it?"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":958.13,"endTime":964.68,"body":"So that was probably the start of trauma"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":958.13,"endTime":964.68,"body":"for my child because while I was gone"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":964.68,"endTime":966.25,"body":"for two weeks she thought I was dead."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":968.599,"endTime":970.829,"body":"When Gabrielle"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":968.599,"endTime":970.829,"body":"rediscovered the journal in her"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":970.829,"endTime":974.92,"body":"20s, it was not long after she had"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":970.829,"endTime":974.92,"body":"a similar breakdown of her own."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":975.55,"endTime":981.879,"body":"And so this story is"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":975.55,"endTime":981.879,"body":"interesting to me because my daughter"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":982.199,"endTime":985.219,"body":"has struggled with this negativity."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":985.24,"endTime":992.67,"body":"And she's so much like me that"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":985.24,"endTime":992.67,"body":"she's had the same type of"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":992.68,"endTime":996.03,"body":"struggles emotionally that I have."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":999.574,"endTime":1001.795,"body":"Which brings us back to our object."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1002.285,"endTime":1004.944,"body":"The journal that"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1002.285,"endTime":1004.944,"body":"played such a huge role in this"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1004.975,"endTime":1009.255,"body":"painful rift between them and then"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1004.975,"endTime":1009.255,"body":"helped bring them back together."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1009.795,"endTime":1010.845,"body":"I enjoy journaling."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1010.845,"endTime":1012.245,"body":"I think that journals are beautiful."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1012.385,"endTime":1013.625,"body":"That's Gabrielle again."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1013.704,"endTime":1015.725,"body":"I love"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1013.704,"endTime":1015.725,"body":"the way that ink hits paper."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1015.975,"endTime":1018.624,"body":"You just have these blank pages"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1015.975,"endTime":1018.624,"body":"that are waiting to be filled"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1018.925,"endTime":1019.994,"body":"with something beautiful."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1020.654,"endTime":1022.855,"body":"At first, Gabrielle"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1020.654,"endTime":1022.855,"body":"didn't tell her mother that"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1022.855,"endTime":1024.214,"body":"she had taken the old journal."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1024.7,"endTime":1028.05,"body":"But she started to feel like maybe"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1024.7,"endTime":1028.05,"body":"there was a reason that more than"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1028.05,"endTime":1030.28,"body":"half the pages were left blank."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1030.919,"endTime":1033.459,"body":"This journey was"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1030.919,"endTime":1033.459,"body":"meant to tell a different story, right?"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1033.459,"endTime":1037.87,"body":"I'm like, okay, well, I have this"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1033.459,"endTime":1037.87,"body":"opportunity to do something that is,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1037.96,"endTime":1040.929,"body":"uh, I hope like an ode to my mom."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1040.929,"endTime":1043.98,"body":"Cause I'm like, there's things that we"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1040.929,"endTime":1043.98,"body":"both said to each other that are hurtful."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1044.409,"endTime":1046.79,"body":"And you just, I'm like getting teary eyed."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1046.829,"endTime":1048.639,"body":"But it's like, you don't know any better."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1048.659,"endTime":1053.455,"body":"And so I'm like, I've taken a lot"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1048.659,"endTime":1053.455,"body":"of time to, to grow compassionate"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1053.455,"endTime":1057.135,"body":"with myself, to grow compassionate"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1053.455,"endTime":1057.135,"body":"with my story, with my mom, too."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1057.455,"endTime":1061.835,"body":"And it's almost just like this is"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1057.455,"endTime":1061.835,"body":"like a token, like a requiem of love"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1061.955,"endTime":1066.955,"body":"to an extent that's like, I just want"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1061.955,"endTime":1066.955,"body":"you to know, mom, that regardless"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1066.955,"endTime":1069.174,"body":"of everything, that there's love."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1069.205,"endTime":1073.395,"body":"It's like nothing but love, even if I"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1069.205,"endTime":1073.395,"body":"didn't know how to express it at the time."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1074.735,"endTime":1077.695,"body":"Gabrielle didn't just start"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1074.735,"endTime":1077.695,"body":"filling out her mother's old journal."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1078.1,"endTime":1081.45,"body":"After all these years of keeping"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1078.1,"endTime":1081.45,"body":"their hurts a secret from each"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1081.45,"endTime":1085.01,"body":"other, of snooping through each"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1081.45,"endTime":1085.01,"body":"other's diaries looking for clues,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1085.27,"endTime":1087.03,"body":"Gabrielle did something different."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1087.44,"endTime":1091.15,"body":"She told her mom about taking"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1087.44,"endTime":1091.15,"body":"the old journal, and she showed"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1091.15,"endTime":1092.47,"body":"her what she'd done with it."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1092.819,"endTime":1097.489,"body":"I started reading"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1092.819,"endTime":1097.489,"body":"it, and then I was like, Oh, this"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1097.489,"endTime":1099.489,"body":"was really good for you to have."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1099.86,"endTime":1104.05,"body":"This is a healing thing for you"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1099.86,"endTime":1104.05,"body":"because all these things that you"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1104.05,"endTime":1108.97,"body":"wrote in your journal that you were"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1104.05,"endTime":1108.97,"body":"upset about, that you believed about"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1108.99,"endTime":1117.42,"body":"me, this was written a long, long"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1108.99,"endTime":1117.42,"body":"time ago and it 100 percent conflicts"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1117.949,"endTime":1120.85,"body":"with what it is that you believed."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1121.235,"endTime":1125.505,"body":"And so you believed these things,"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1121.235,"endTime":1125.505,"body":"and these beliefs cause you pain."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1125.885,"endTime":1129.905,"body":"You read the truth now, right?"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1130.855,"endTime":1133.504,"body":"Pamela says she"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1130.855,"endTime":1133.504,"body":"doesn't hold on to many objects."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1133.595,"endTime":1136.975,"body":"She's not the kind of person to"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1133.595,"endTime":1136.975,"body":"keep things for sentimental reasons."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1137.545,"endTime":1140.765,"body":"The diary is probably one of"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1137.545,"endTime":1140.765,"body":"the only things that she's had"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1140.765,"endTime":1142.465,"body":"for Gabrielle's entire life."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1143.285,"endTime":1147.155,"body":"She's a religious woman, and she"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1143.285,"endTime":1147.155,"body":"thinks maybe there was a reason that"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1147.155,"endTime":1149.215,"body":"she needed to hold on to this one."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1150.97,"endTime":1156.41,"body":"Somehow, the journal was always meant to"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1150.97,"endTime":1156.41,"body":"be Gabrielle's, always meant to help the"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1156.41,"endTime":1161.79,"body":"mother and daughter have a conversation"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1156.41,"endTime":1161.79,"body":"they otherwise might never have had."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1162.52,"endTime":1165.059,"body":"We should be"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1162.52,"endTime":1165.059,"body":"having these open conversations"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1165.059,"endTime":1167.115,"body":"because when we do we'll feel better."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1167.575,"endTime":1169.155,"body":"But we all do it."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1169.205,"endTime":1170.795,"body":"We're afraid of conflict."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1170.795,"endTime":1175.225,"body":"We're afraid to tell people, well, you"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1170.795,"endTime":1175.225,"body":"did this and this is how it made me feel."},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1175.555,"endTime":1179.985,"body":"And we don't give each other the"},{"speaker":"Pamela Blackwell","startTime":1175.555,"endTime":1179.985,"body":"opportunity to learn that we were wrong."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1182.115,"endTime":1186.175,"body":"The postscript to the story is"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1182.115,"endTime":1186.175,"body":"that Gabrielle and Pamela are doing great."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1186.995,"endTime":1190.085,"body":"Pamela helped Gabrielle move"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1186.995,"endTime":1190.085,"body":"to Austin, Texas, where her"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1190.085,"endTime":1191.925,"body":"daughter got a really good job."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1192.405,"endTime":1195.745,"body":"Pamela still lives outside of"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1192.405,"endTime":1195.745,"body":"Chicago and says she feels much"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1195.745,"endTime":1200.144,"body":"more grounded after all these years"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1195.745,"endTime":1200.144,"body":"about who she is, what she's done,"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1200.384,"endTime":1201.964,"body":"and how her life has taken shape."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1202.715,"endTime":1206.824,"body":"Gabrielle's relationship with her mother's"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1202.715,"endTime":1206.824,"body":"diary has continued to evolve as she works"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1206.955,"endTime":1209.524,"body":"on her own process of healing and growing."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1210.114,"endTime":1214.395,"body":"She's ripped out some of the"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1210.114,"endTime":1214.395,"body":"pages, rewritten some, burned some"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1214.395,"endTime":1219.195,"body":"others, all a part of letting go of"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1214.395,"endTime":1219.195,"body":"stories that no longer serve her."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1219.905,"endTime":1222.754,"body":"I don't want this"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1219.905,"endTime":1222.754,"body":"to be a place of deep, dark secrets."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1222.76,"endTime":1228.745,"body":"I want this to be a place of honesty"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1222.76,"endTime":1228.745,"body":"and of openness and of celebration, and"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1228.745,"endTime":1230.665,"body":"that's what I turn this journal into."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1231.274,"endTime":1236.09,"body":"So being able to make this really my own,"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1231.274,"endTime":1236.09,"body":"my life my own was incredibly important."},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1236.86,"endTime":1241.379,"body":"I feel like it's a bit symbolic of the"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1236.86,"endTime":1241.379,"body":"journey of life, of you're not always"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1241.979,"endTime":1245.8,"body":"in control of things that are done or"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1241.979,"endTime":1245.8,"body":"that are said, but you can always turn"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1245.81,"endTime":1250.359,"body":"the page and finish your own story in"},{"speaker":"Gabrielle Blackwell","startTime":1245.81,"endTime":1250.359,"body":"the way that you would like for it to."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1252.779,"endTime":1255.49,"body":"You've been"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1252.779,"endTime":1255.49,"body":"listening to Object Diaries."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1256.06,"endTime":1256.94,"body":"I'm Lisa Weiss."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1258.07,"endTime":1262.679,"body":"This episode was produced by Jessica"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1258.07,"endTime":1262.679,"body":"Terrell, April Estrellan, and me."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1263.31,"endTime":1265.32,"body":"Consulting was provided by John Barth."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1265.93,"endTime":1268.57,"body":"Initial production development"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1265.93,"endTime":1268.57,"body":"was provided by Isoke"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1268.6,"endTime":1270.55,"body":"Samuel and John Sepulvado."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1271.16,"endTime":1275.15,"body":"Thank you to Jill Barancik, Jeanine"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1271.16,"endTime":1275.15,"body":"Cornillot, Charity Elder, and Kerry"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1275.17,"endTime":1277.01,"body":"Donahue for your notes and feedback."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1277.64,"endTime":1281.429,"body":"Special thanks to my dad, Stan"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1277.64,"endTime":1281.429,"body":"Weiss, who inspired the series."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1281.89,"endTime":1283.739,"body":"May his memory be a blessing."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1284.719,"endTime":1288.72,"body":"Thank you to Gabrielle and Pamela"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1284.719,"endTime":1288.72,"body":"Blackwell for sharing your story and"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1288.72,"endTime":1292.1,"body":"for so graciously modeling how to"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1288.72,"endTime":1292.1,"body":"have difficult conversations with"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1292.1,"endTime":1294.35,"body":"ourselves and the people we care about."},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1294.359,"endTime":1294.399,"body":"Thank"},{"speaker":"Lisa Weiss","startTime":1294.399,"endTime":1294.419,"body":"you."}]}