What We Really Think of the Swinger Lifestyle

Swingology A Lifestyle Podcast is for adult entertainment only and we are not licensed professionals. Our show features adults themes, language and descriptions of sexual acts & desires. If you are under 18, this is not the show for you. 

The ideas & opinions expressed are those of the speaker only and not of any company or entity and should not be considered professional advice. Now let’s stimulate your mind…

What We Really Think of the Swinger Lifestyle

Tori Kist and her husband Steve Kist share their real life experience's while in their swinger journey.   

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Transcript

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[laughs][music] You are listening to Swingology, a lifestyle podcast. Swingology is for adult entertainment only, and we're not licensed professionals. Our show features adult themes, language, and descriptions of sexual acts and desires. If you're under 18, this is not the show for you. The ideas and opinions expressed are those of the speaker only and not of any company or entity, and should not be considered professional advice. Now, let's stimulate your mind. Welcome back to another episode of Swingology, a lifestyle podcast. We are your host, Tori Kest. And Steve Kest. And today we're going to be talking about what the lifestyle is and is not. This topic was requested by a listener out of Ohio. So thank you so much for writing and we're happy to give you the details. Steve, what is the lifestyle and swinging all about? What is it for? We firmly believe that the lifestyle is to enrich your current relationship. It's to build upon what you have. It's to strengthen what you have. It's not to fix or repair or it's not going to save your relationship. So we're going to talk about what the lifestyle is and then later in the episode, we're going to talk about what the lifestyle is not. So let's start with what the lifestyle is. The first thing that I think of when I think of enhancing your relationship is that it allows you to explore sexual flavors. You can't be everything to your partner. If you're 5'8", you can never be a 6'2" person, right? If you're chubby, well you're probably not going to have that muscle firmness. So allowing your partner to have these experiences is just adds to that flavor that they get to experience. Right. For example, in our relationship, there was a gentleman that had a uniquely curves cock that my wife was able to have an orgasm. And it was because it uniquely is angled in a way that it's going to hit places that my nice long straight cock isn't going to hit because it doesn't curve 45 degrees to the left. So my wife was able to have an experience with that person, an experience that I am not able to duplicate because of my anatomy. And here's the thing, like I don't orgasm to sex normally. So that was a really rare, special thing. Is that bothering me? No, because I want the best for my life partner. We experience things together and separately. That happens when we're together, when we're at home, we're separate when we're at workplaces. And being in the lifestyle doesn't have to be any different. Like I want what's best for her and our relationship comes first and it's our priority. So if she can have a safe, an amazing experience, regardless of how our relationship boundaries are put into place and how we're experiencing that, as long as she comes back with that safe energy and she's happy and she's had a great time, then I want that for her. And the same is true in reverse. Like for example, I do not like being called a good girl and I'm not going to be a use me type of slut. But there are some women out there that want to be called a good girl and they want to be used and they want to be a slut. And that sometimes is what my husband is looking for. I can never be that. I've tried. It's awkward. So I'm so happy when he finds that and has that experience because it's feeding a part of him that he just loves and craves sometimes I can't do that. So I'm happy for him. Which leads to comparison. Right. You don't have to have comparison to being a lifestyle. Can you achieve it? Yes. You get the most comparison. We believe it's the opposite of jealousy. You get happiness because your partner is experiencing happiness regardless of how she's experiencing here she is experiencing it. So if she's having a joyful moment because of what someone else is doing with her or to her, then your happiness comes from her experience and that happiness from another person. That's called comparison. And so you probably have already experienced this in vanilla life. But for example, if you have a child and you see that they reach a milestone and you're happy for them, right? That's comparison that they reach that milestone. So this is just taking it into sexual terms. Right. So I've been with couples and I will give the wife an experience and it's not uncommon for me to hear that I've given them some kind of first experience, right? So the husband is excited for the wife, happy for the wife and sometimes I request teach me what you did so I can do that also. That act now has enriched their relationship. It has made their intimacy better. He has learned a new skill that he will carry with him for the rest of his life that he may not have learned had he not been in the lifestyle. And now he can bring that into their relationship. So in that way, the lifestyle has enhanced that relationship. Another way that it enhances your relationship is that it requires open and honest communication with yourself, with your spouse. That over time builds trust and an even more solid foundation of your relationship. Of course you ask any couple, vanilla world or not, does your relationship have honest and open communication? Everyone's going to say yes. But let me tell you something. In the lifestyle, you have to go above and beyond to remain secure and stable in your relationship in the lifestyle. Why? Because you have to have vulnerability. And some people are not good at being vulnerable. They have to put up a tough front to their partner. They can never show weakness. They have like an egotistical mindset and all of these things are going to be in hindrance for you to effectively navigate the lifestyle. And let me give you an example. If you're with macho guy and he's like, I'm the best sex you're ever going to have, right? Then you go out into the lifestyle, you have experiences and you find a guy that gives you better sex than your partner who has an ego about it. If you can't have an honest communication with your partner about what you liked out of that experience, what is that going to do to your relationship? It's not going to enrich your relationship because you can't be honest with your partner because they're going to self-destruct, right? Because they can't handle the truth. So you have learned to already hide things from your partner. So just the fact that your guy or girl has an ego that you have to like care for and protect you already have to throttle your honesty. That's just basic stuff. We're at a basic level here. We're not even talking about being able to successfully navigate the lifestyle. This is just basics 101. If you can't be vulnerable and say, listen, for example, my wife came to me one night after a play session. I had with a woman and she's like, I watched you at one point make eye contact with her. It was intense and it was emotional and you guys were having fireworks over there on that side of the room and I was with a guy that was like low energy. This experience didn't feed me while I watched you have an experience that I recognized receiving myself and I was jealous. Right. I think you should definitely always own your jealousy and then grow through it. Right. That's the point though. Don't act on it grow through it. Sometimes it's hard to overcome. It didn't. You wanted to overcome it. I remember saying to you on one hand, it feels like it's wrong. I don't like that I feel this way, but this is how I feel. And then I asked you, how can I move through this? I said, this is something that we have to do together because if you're experiencing jealousy, what does jealousy come from? It's a root cause of, for example, a fear of losing your partner, which means perhaps the jealousy is my fault because if I was pouring into you so much love and attention and priority, you should feel secure and wouldn't have to worry about losing me as a person. We both realized that this was something that we could work on together. And so I spent more time affirming with you and prioritizing you to make you feel that you were secure. And then you also processed what the lifestyle is and what you wanted out of the lifestyle, not just for yourself, but for us. And doing that together, turned your jealousy into compulsion. Yes. That's just one example that worked for us. What does that mean? Exploring sexual flavors. We talked about a person being taller and that kind of thing. Another example of a sexual flavor can be that your partner might say that they're straight. It doesn't matter if you're a guy or girl, but if you enter the lifestyle and then maybe you develop a trust and a comfortable with a couple or a person that you've spent more time with and you're like, listen, I would like to try something here just because I trust you and I know you're not going to spill what happens in this room to other people. I would like to try variable X, maybe it's your first blindfolding experience, maybe it's being tied up for the first time and you trust this to happen. This is something that can happen, that can enrich your current relationship because now you are one of you is experiencing something for the first time and you're both there to share in that experience. So that's something that you can talk about. You both now can leave that experience. What did you like? What did you didn't like? Is that something you want to do again? And our final point of what the lifestyle is, is that it is a way for you to overcome insecurities that you're faced with and build confidence. And what I mean by that, this could happen in a ray of different insecurities. But for me, for example, before being in the lifestyle, I was insecure about my body shape. I'm average built, but I was still insecure about my body shape. And being in a lifestyle and being around other naked bodies or bodies in lingerie and seeing everyone just accept everyone for who they are, that helped me overcome my insecurity of my body shape and helped me build confidence. And I'm a completely different person today that I was five and a half years ago before I entered the lifestyle. So that is one thing that I have overcome and built confidence. All right, so now we're going to transition to what the lifestyle or swinging is not. It is not a fix for current relationship problems. Do you not enter the lifestyle thinking, oh, well, if we're sleeping with other people, we will start communicating better. Let's look at your relational problems. Let's say you're, it doesn't matter what your relational problems are. Let's say it's communication. If you have a problem with communicating, if you have a problem being vulnerable, adding more emotional and physical, I would say just chaos because sometimes a lifestyle can be overwhelming, adding more of that isn't going to fix your communication problem. Okay, if you have a boredom problem with your partner and you need to seek excitement with other people to fill in that gap, that is not going to fix your relationship. That problem still remains. But over time, that problem is going to rear its head and because you haven't solved it before, it was more difficult to solve. You're not going to be able to solve it later. So let's say your relationship problem is your partner is not feeling like a priority. And you're like, you know what, if I slept with other people, I would feel like you love me more because you're letting me do this thing. And then I would treat you more like a priority. That is just flat out toxic behavior. You and your partner should come first. I'm not worried about myself when I go to a lifestyle establishment. I'm more concerned about my partner having a good time than I am about me having a good time. That's called selfless. That's what real love is. If you're going somewhere and you want to focus on yourself, that's great to do in limited cases like your birthday. Maybe I want to focus on myself on my birthday and I want my partner to focus on me because it's a special day. But by large, I really am more concerned about my wife having a good time than myself. That is affirming to my wife. She then feels like she wants to do the same for me. And I receive that later. And so we're always feeding each other. That's what the relationship is supposed to do. How many couples do we see where the wife is like, I really don't want to do this? That is a concept that we learned on the Bliss Crews this past November. It's called Sud swinging under duress. It's when one partner is swinging because the other partner wants them to do it. And they don't want to be swinging. They don't want to be a swing or they don't want to go to lifestyle parties or house parties. They don't want to see people have sex around them. They don't want it. But they don't want to lose their partner and their partner is pushing and pushing and pushing. So to keep the peace and to make their partner happy and hoping that they become happy, they swing. Yeah, they self-sacrifice. And you know what, it's worse to the other people that that person is now interacting with. If I am in a play session with a person and they're not enthusiastic about wanting to play with me and I play with that, what does that say about me? Right. If I'm having sex with a starfish and for those of you that, no, no, the starfish is a person who basically receives energy but gives none back. So they could just be laying there looking off to the side and you could be hopping them and then you can get your jollies off but they never make eye contact with you. They never mown. They're just laying there. There's no emotion on their face. Like you're basically having sex with a sex doll. That is starfish energy. Okay. If I started first off, I wouldn't even get into a play situation with that kind of level of energy because that doesn't feed me. I would feel like they might be a victim of something and what I could be doing to them is traumatic. Right. Right. That's not what the lifestyle is about. Think about it. How many girls have to go out and worry about date rape drugs? There's some guys that like that energy. Right. That blows my mind. I can't even. Well, you're a very intense and passionate lover. So the give and take of energy is. It's important to me but it's paramount. It should be important to everybody that is my point because that's what the lifestyle is. It's the experience of the sexual flavors and the adventures. But that enhances your own relationship with the person that you have. And it doesn't have to be even. There's a lot of couples out there that say everything has to be even if my husband's playing, I'm playing, which is fine. You know what? That is a boundary you have set place to protect your relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But you know what? There's nothing wrong with one person experiencing the lifestyle and the other person not. Does that sound fair? It doesn't have to be fair. And that's something else that people in the lifestyle can't comprehend or are hard to grasp. There's plenty of guys or couples out there where the guy doesn't play with anyone, but he wants the wife to go play. He wants to hear the stories of her experiencing other people. He wants his wife to be celebrated sexually and he wants to see his wife come back to him that affirms him. She came back to me. And that feeds them. And then they want to hear about the experiences that she had and that she enjoyed herself. That enhances their relationship. That's enhancing himself in his own way. So that is healthy for them. That is okay. Healthy doesn't mean that everything's fair. Healthy can be different for different couples. For example, last year I took a break from the lifestyle for a few months and I told Steve, I want you to do you. I want you to be happy. So if you're going to be in the lifestyle, that's fine. I'm just going to take a little break for a little while. And that's a prime example of he was doing it and I wasn't. I needed that break and now I'm better than ever. When she came out of that break, she kind of re-entered the lifestyle with more enthusiastic energy than she had when she decided to take the break. So I gave her the freedom to choose what she wanted to do. I didn't pressure her. I didn't beg her or plead with her. I affirmed actually. I said, "Listen, I want you to get the best out of life that you can get. If the best for you is that you take a step out of lifestyle, that's what I want for you." Did that hurt me or did that cause there to be less opportunities for me in sexual play? Absolutely. But I was putting my wife's needs as a higher priority. Yes. And I did the same for you. Right. And so she gave me... Allowing you to stay in the lifestyle with the play partner so that you could find. Exactly. So I think that's the only way to get the best out of it. I think that's the only way to get the best out of it. And I think that's the only way to get the best out of it. And I think that's the only way to get the best out of it. And I think that's the only way to get the best out of it. And I think that's the only way to get the best out of it. And I think that's the only way to get the best out of it. To have sex with other people. It's not a playground for affairs. Of course, cheating can happen in the lifestyle just like it happens in the vanilla world. And cheating can be as simple as I thought we agreed that you would always use a condom. That is just a different form of cheating. You did something against the boundaries. Against the boundaries of your partner. For vanilla people, that means having sex with others. In the lifestyle, it just means whatever boundary you've set. In the vanilla world, the boundary is don't have sex with other people because why that's cheating. Okay. So you place the boundary, don't have sex with other people. You violated it. That's cheating. So if you've placed a different boundary of make sure you always wear a condom when you have sex with someone and you violate that, that is cheating. It is a violation of your partner's trust. You are putting your desire over your partner's boundary to protect your relationship, which essentially means you value your thing more than you value your partner's thing. That's huge red flag. One of my pet peeves is when I'm scrolling on social media, I come across this dramatic hotel hallway scene where a husband has learned that his wife has a hotel room with some other stranger. And he has no idea about it. And they're like fighting in the hallway of this hotel room. And I start reading the comments that the viewers are leaving on this video. They're things like, oh, those are just swingers, being swingers. That is not what swinging is. Swinging is not a place to have a secret level fear on the side. So if you're considering entering the lifestyle because you want to have an affair because your partner is boring, that's not the right setup. You don't want to do it that way. Whatever problem you had before, you enter the lifestyle. You're just accelerating the deterioration of your partner's mental health. So I challenge you to be transparent in your communication with your partner and tell them, I'm having a problem in our relationship because of XYZ reason. I don't like that we're having this problem. Let's fix it together. Just have a communication. And if they're not willing to talk, well, that tells you. And that's kind of a key indicator on when you need to take a break from the lifestyle. If you're experiencing relationship problems, the lifestyle isn't going to fix the problems. It's not like you're going to suddenly have better communication because you're sleeping somewhere, someone. How is that going to solve your relationship problem? Regardless of what it is, it could be financial. It could be the lack of priority for your partner. It could be the lack of honest communication. It could be that why are you talking to this person one-on-one chat? You know we have a boundary. I actually had to create a boundary with you about a year and a half ago. So you would sex with people online. Just to build that chemistry and that sexual desire. I totally get that logically. But the sexting was kind of hurting me emotionally. So we had this conversation and you decided to never sex again. There's a lot of people that enjoy that activity. For them, it enhances like, you know what, I haven't met this person before. But I like this teasing wordplay back and forth. That's great for a lot of people and that's great for a lot of couples. When I heard that my wife was hurting from me doing that, that hurt me. That's because I love my partner and I never want her to hurt. And if I do anything that hurts her, I immediately get paid a 100% attention to that. And so it was easy for me to stop doing that. Why? Because it hurt my partner. Did I receive joy doing that and happiness and excitement and chemistry before meeting people? Absolutely. My wife is my priority. And so when I knew that that activity was, it was very easy for me to agree not to do that again. And you know what happens after my wife got that affirmation and noticed I wasn't doing that anymore with anybody. She started releasing other boundaries because now she trusted me more. That strengthened our relationship. Me affirming that boundary that came out of nowhere made her realize that I am placing her priority. And that helped her realize that when she wanted to take the break from the lifestyle that she could trust me on solo play dates, which we hadn't had before. But now because our new level of trust and affirmation and our marriage and vulnerability of conversation and my desire to put my wife priority, she now realized she doesn't need to fear me breaking any other boundary regardless if I'm in front of her or not. Okay. And the final point that we want to talk about is the lifestyle is not a place for a kink shaming or judgment. If you're new in the lifestyle, it would be easy for you to say, um, I walked into this place and everyone was fat and I walked out. I've heard that a few times. What are you doing? You're shaming someone and you're giving other people an ability or a reason to have insecurities about themselves. You are hurting the lifestyle community. There's another one. We were at a play room and two guys were playing together and you know, I overheard someone else walking by that room. I was loving it because I personally love that energy. But I heard someone else walking by the room, ew, who wants to do that? Like that's and they were just kink shaming and like, why are you judging? Like move on. That same person that's judging those people for that activity would be judged for their kink of I want people to be on me or I want to be tied up in spanked or I want to be whatever it is. So when you're in the lifestyle, you need to make sure you have an open mind and a closed mouth sometimes. Allow people to have their pleasure as long as it's not hurting anyone detrimentally, right? Everyone's consenting, consenting adults and you keep your judgments to yourself because there's chances that you're going to be into something that other people are going to like point the finger, ew, like, oh, you're into that. Why are you into that? Just not do that. We're adults now. The point of what the lifestyle is not is if you think the lifestyle is going to fix anything in your relationship, you're deleting yourself. And if your partner is not valuing you and respecting your needs, then that tells you everything you need to know about that relationship. If you know your relationship has problems and you haven't addressed them, why are you allowing your relationship to enter a risky environment that could hurt your relationship because someone is being selfish. And right there, you know their priorities are not straight. If their prior is not straight, do not subjugate your relationship into other people's relationship because you're just going to bring drama and you're going to bring other people down and people are going to avoid you because of your drama. Yeah, the lifestyle and swingers, we don't like drama. We like interacting with secure couples. Confident people. It's okay to have insecurities. We're not saying that you're not allowed to have insecurities. You could have insecurities about your own relationship. But those insecurities come with boundaries. And if you're clear and articulate about those boundaries, I can decide like listen, that's I'm not comfortable mingling with you with those boundaries in place. So I think this is just not a good fit for us. To successfully being a lifestyle, you have to be a more advanced human being than the typical person on the street. If you're going to be successful in it, you're going to have a higher level of communication, a higher level of empathy for your partner. You're going to have a higher level of understanding. You're going to see your partner affirm boundaries that other people don't even have to contend with. Placing those boundaries requires a certain level of conversation that most people can't even have. So if you can't enter the lifestyle at that basic foundational premise of honesty, integrity, open communication, then you're just toxic energy entering something you shouldn't be entering. If I see that in the lifestyle, I literally would just like, I'm sorry, I'm not feeling this vibe. I'm not going to sit there and tell them they need to go fix their relationship. I'll just say, I'm not feeling the vibe. And sometimes they'll say, Hey, why didn't we meet up? We had such a great vibe with you guys. And we'll simply say it wasn't a four-way vibe and we're getting more fun energy from you than sexual energy. And that's a great way to tell people that were not interested in exchanging sexual energy with someone else. And going to what Steve said, you also need to be honest with yourself. What do you want? Because how are you going to have this conversation with your partner about these boundaries and about entering the lifestyle or whatnot? If you're not feeling yourself out. Yeah, my wife was silent for, I don't know how many days before you brought that up in conversation. I figured it out inside. Right. And so it took her a level of confidence and she needed a process, how to articulate, how she was going to like bring this up because it was an activity that she knows I enjoyed. All she needed to do was tell, and this is something that healthy couples do. I am feeling something. I don't know why. I need you to help me process this. I don't know what is it. Yes, I love it when I get to say that to you and you actually help me through it. I feel stronger and closer to you when that happens too. And then what does that do that allows you to be more honest and communicative in the future? Yep. If I was saying you're just being silly, you don't understand. That's me degrading my partner's feelings. What is it? If your partner's degrading or invalidating your feelings, they already don't have your feelings in priority. Another concept is what if a vanilla couple, one partner cheated and they're trying to mend the relationship from that betrayal? And they're like, "Well, let's just do it in the lifestyle and that way you can go have sex with these people." Right. Because if the person is cheating on you, they've already broken a boundary. They don't care about the boundary. So if they don't care about that boundary, what boundaries are they not going to care about in the lifestyle? Exactly. They're not going to care about my wife's, like our boundaries. If you don't care about your partner's boundaries, you're definitely not going to care about boundaries that we have that we might have for you. Right. Why are you going to allow your partner to go into another couple's bedroom where your partner's going to violate their boundaries? You're going to let that happen. They represent you. You need to shut that down. Yes. You don't let your partner go into another couple's bedroom after you know that he violates your boundaries or she violates your boundaries. You are knowingly bringing destructive energy into other people's relationships. It's just like knowing you have AIDS and you're going to have sex with someone else, unprotected sex. Like how dare you? I'm sorry. Am I too passionate? So that sums it up for today's episode of Swingology, Lifestyle Podcasts. Two in a next time to stimulate your mind. Stimulate your bloody mind. Thank you so much for listening to Swingology. I'm truly honored to have you as a listener. If you liked what you've heard, consider subscribing to our podcast or connecting with us on social media, the links can be found with the episode show notes. This is Tori Kist reminding you to stimulate your mind.[Music][Music]