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A (Mostly) Stay-at-Home-Mom
Welcome to A (Mostly) Stay-at-Home Mom, where I share insights about finance and family. I'm Charmaine-- a wife, mom, writer and obsessive home baker, and I hit record each week to share about adding to household income as a busy mom.
We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll discuss strategies for navigating both the home economy and the world economy hand in hand. Braiding each other's hair not included (yet).
Looking for more? I've got a ton of resources, including blog posts to match each of the podcast episodes, on my website: https://bycharmaine.com/
So glad you're here.
A (Mostly) Stay-at-Home-Mom
When Motherhood Doesn't Go As Planned
Welcome to Episode 3 of Season 2 of the (Mostly) Stay-at-Home-Mom podcast! Today we tackle a hard but necessary topic: the detours of motherhood.
Motherhood rarely follows our carefully laid plans, but there's hope in finding community and balance when things go differently than expected. The journey of parenthood often includes struggles with fertility, difficult pregnancies, traumatic births, feeding challenges, and other unexpected difficulties.
• Motherhood struggles can feel isolating when it seems like you're the only one experiencing them
• Finding a community of people who understand your specific struggle provides validation and support
• We need to discern what we can control versus what we need to accept
• There's a balance between taking action to change situations and surrendering to what we cannot change
• The Serenity Prayer offers wisdom for motherhood: accepting what we cannot change, changing what we can
• Self-awareness helps us know when to push harder and when to step back and give ourselves grace
Hi there and welcome to another episode of the Mostly Stay-at-Home Mom podcast, where we chat about entrepreneurship, mom life and earning a side income as a busy mom. I'm your host, charmaine, and I am so happy you're here. We are now in season two of the podcast. My first season was recorded earlier, in actually late 2024. If you want to check out those earlier episodes and this is the third episode of the new season I highly recommend checking out the previous episodes. First, I talked about my best tips for postpartum, because I just had my baby and I've come out of that postpartum experience with lots of tips fresh on my mind. And then the episode after that I interviewed a friend who went from being a math teacher to a tutor, a mom and a math YouTuber. So if you're at all interested in pursuing any of those types of fields, especially as a mom looking to earn some side income, you might want to check out that episode as well.
Speaker 1:I want to welcome you to today's episode, which is called when Motherhood Doesn't Go as Planned. Today's topic is a heavy one, but I want to leave you with hope. After listening to this episode, I hope you feel acknowledged in your struggles, but also encouraged and, dare I say, hagged through these airwaves. Rest assured that you're not the only one to go through some of these trials that I talked through today. So let's chat about when aspects of our motherhood journey don't go as planned, when certain situations don't just catch us by surprise. They bring us completely to our knees. I'll start with some examples. I think most of us have experienced trials related to motherhood and starting our families, like in matters of conception, fertility. Maybe in pregnancy you had a really rough time. Maybe your child's birth didn't go as planned or could even be considered traumatic. Maybe the first few months of your baby's life was an onslaught of challenges, of hospital stays, constant monitoring of breastfeeding struggles. Maybe you didn't get the feeding journey you diligently researched and the method you hoped for. Maybe your baby's sleep was or is a heavy battleground. Sorrows of motherhood can start even before we have a baby in our arms.
Speaker 1:I'd include in this category dating and marriage struggles. I know for me this was a trial that spanned years of my life. I grew up assuming that marriage was just sort of something that happened to you, that fell into your lap. I thought, ideally I'd go to college, start a career and maybe marry by 25, have kids shortly after. It didn't work out that way. I struggled in dating. Of course I would go on to marry the guy just right for me at age 28. And I'm thankful that things happened that way and that timely. But for all of those years leading up to that basically for most of my 20s it was a big unknown and it was a lonely struggle to have as I went. So it seemed like a constant parade of weddings that weren't mine, and while I was happy for my friends, I truly didn't know if I would ever get to experience that too. So there was a lot of pain as well.
Speaker 1:This is not an episode on singleness, though I have more ideas on that topic. If anyone is interested, please let me know in my email inbox at mostlyhomemom at gmailcom. But I use that as an example because so many other experiences in life sort of echo that. First of all, it can feel isolating to be going through something that you don't really know if other people are going through. It can feel lonely and like you're the only one experiencing it, which is probably not true Another big factor in any struggle like this, especially if it's a health issue or you just desperately want your body to behave in a certain way or do something and it's not. Another factor is trying to discern what is in your control and what isn't. I remember constantly wondering and second guessing if I was doing enough in all of my struggles, and this becomes an overwhelming solutions quest. So I'd like to talk about those two things when we are faced with the challenges of life and the challenges of motherhood. Number one is the isolation of going through something, and two is the quest for answers and how much or how little you can control your situation. So first, let's address the loneliness. You're probably not the only one going through this. Find others who understand, even if it's online. Finding a community who speaks the same language, shares similar heartbreak and is looking for similar solutions will help you feel less alone. You won't feel crazy or gaslight yourself into thinking your problems don't exist because they don't exist within your circle of peers. As long as this group of similar boat people is a positive force in your life, I recommend putting in the effort to connect with them. You never know. I've joined online communities that have been really helpful and uplifting, but sometimes you can go too far into it and if people aren't, in general, listening and contributing positively, then you might want to back off, but in general, finding a community can be really helpful for this.
Speaker 1:I remember the tremendous relief I felt when I opened up to others about my breastfeeding journey that didn't go as planned. I found other moms who cared deeply about their baby's health too, and they used bottles of formula to supplement. I felt comfort in not being the only one In my self-inflicted shame. I had removed myself from identifying with crunchy or maybe just the crunchy people I had seen online. I would never be idyllically nursing my three-year-old on the golden sands of some remote Hawaiian beach. For that I cast myself out of an imaginary group of Instagram influencers that I compared myself to an imaginary group of Instagram influencers that I compared myself to. It sounds silly when I say it out loud and you know what. In a moment of acceptance and vulnerability, I found a better group to identify with Normal real life people. Yeah, crazy, right. So you're not a bad mom.
Speaker 1:If things don't go how you researched, if you had all the intentions in the world of doing it best, but you had to go with plan B or plan C, you don't need to punish yourself. Yes, grieve for a bit, for a season, find your tribe, but I have a feeling we all have a long motherhood road full of even more joys and disappointments like this. Let's not get stuck in this particular pit stop. Now for the second consideration. Anytime I go through a significant life struggle, I struggle with how much control to have over the situation. Can I dig myself out of the dilemma completely? It's a hard balance to strike between striving to change and surrender.
Speaker 1:I personally tend to be biased toward action. I love to fight for control in whatever way possible, because if I can do anything to improve or change a situation, I will try, and there have been times I've significantly improved my life by taking action. I'm grateful for them. A few instances that come to mind are when I lost 40 pounds a few years ago and also when I really threw my focus into dating and relationships and soon after I met and married my husband. In each of these times there was a hardcore research and knowledge acquiring phase and then a pretty intense digging in focusing head down implementation phase.
Speaker 1:These were seasons of searching and striving and strategizing and taking action, and I was actually able to achieve my goals. I like to compare it to when I was in school I would study for the exam and ace the exam. Simple as that. I was lucky enough to be good at test taking, and so I approach a lot of my life situations in a similar way. I try to gather all of the knowledge I can and then implement it and hopefully those inputs generate an output that I am hoping for. But the disappointment comes in life when that is not always the case, and I've been humbled because even some of the things that I researched and saw so much knowledge over and tried so hard still did not end up within my control or within the outcome that I wanted. So, on the other hand, there have been these things in my life that I've tried and tried to change and I couldn't. I'm so glad I tried to better the circumstances and tweak the outcome in whichever ways I could, but at some point I come to this juncture where I realize I can either keep spinning my wheels or accept it. Stop fighting, focus my energies elsewhere. We don't have infinite time and energy and money to pour into chasing one solution After a while. We need to focus elsewhere, put our energies elsewhere.
Speaker 1:I think there's strength in both fighting and accepting racing and resting. Both are appropriate in different seasons, different situations. There will probably never be a formula for when to push yourself and when to step back and give grace. It's something I reevaluate constantly. It's not a one-and-done decision either, but I pray I can masterfully alternate between the two, like an expert distance runner who knows when to pick up speed, when to slow down, when to stretch further and further and when to stop. I think it takes a lot of practice, but it's necessary. I don't want to be a spectator in my life, letting the default just wash over me. But in my attempts to take control I also don't want to cling so hard to control that I run myself into the ground and that I forget who is ultimately in control, which I believe is God.
Speaker 1:So I think the serenity prayer is major when it comes to motherhood and life struggles. How do we know when to take action and when to allow things as they are? The prayer goes God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. What is my advice to those struggling with something? First pray about it. Then find a community of people who understand that struggle and finally, follow the serenity prayer.
Speaker 1:Change what you can about the situation and accept what you can't change. This might take time and trial and error. When you start a situation, you have no idea what you can and can't change. Sometimes it's going to be hard and that's okay. It might take time and effort to see what's working and what's not. But try to know yourself, try to evaluate yourself. You know when you are truly pushing yourself too hard and you need to let go of the reins or when you need to push yourself further. So pray for that wisdom to be your own ultimate coach.
Speaker 1:I hope that brings you encouragement today. If you're going through a struggle, you're not the only one, especially the struggles of motherhood. It's something that not everyone talks about and there's just so many different experiences that no one is going to talk about all of their experiences. So, instead of feeling isolated, instead of feeling hopeless, please find and connect with others who are going through something similar. See if you can change something about the situation to make it better and if you can't, there is rest and there is grace and move on from it. I hope that was an encouragement today. If you enjoyed the episode, please share it with a friend. Also, your reviews and ratings help expose the show to more like-minded listeners. If you have questions,
