Fear was holding me back... So I left (moving overseas alone) | EP 4

This week’s episode is a little different, more like a real talk with myself that you get to overhear. I finally had to admit that fear was running the show… so I did something about it. I packed up my life and moved overseas, alone. No perfect plan, no guarantees, just a decision to stop letting “what if” win. If you’ve been feeling stuck, scared, or like you’re meant for more but can’t quite move yet, this one’s for you besties!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Oh my god, I need a deep breath. Can we please have a deep breath together? Okay. I have never been so anxious in my life. I'm moving overseas. I can't even believe that. My place is completely packed up. I wanted to film a pep talk. Not only for you guys, but for myself too. And I also want to answer a few questions because everybody's asking me questions on Instagram. Everyone is very sweet. They're very curious. They're invested. They're like, what is going on? Are you okay with moving by yourself? No, I'm not okay. Are you joking me? Melbourne is a comfort place for me. I've been living here the past three years, and it's really difficult because it's like I only just started to make friends and start to enjoy it. It was really hard when I first moved here. And here I am and I'm moving all over again. I want to get into why, but I also want to give you guys a little bit of a pep talk when it comes to being brave and living, like really living. I can give you that advice because I'm about to do something that scares the shit out of me. And if I can do this, then you can do anything. And we need to get through this together, okay? I'm moving to LA. I live in Australia at the moment. Totally different, okay? Most people that live in Australia are very rightfully so happy to be here, very comfortable. Honestly, it's an amazing place to live if you have like the stereotypical job. Like you go to university and you get a job and you get married and all of that stuff. There is nothing wrong with any of that. That's beautiful, and I think there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go and live somewhere else. I truly don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I think for me, with my career, with being like a YouTuber and doing social media and all of the stuff that I do, it can feel very isolating here. And I feel like I'm not ready to settle or to like live this life that everyone else is living. Like I just don't feel ready for that at the moment. And so yeah, when I talk to people about me wanting to move to LA or to New York, they're like, what? Why would you want to go there? And I totally understand it, but it's like for them, it would not make sense to go and travel or live in somewhere like the US. But for me, because there's so much more when it comes to my job and sponsorships and like events and meeting people and whatever, it's kind of like a no-brainer. You know what I'm saying? We just have totally different realities, and me going over there is different to you going over there. So it's like, anyway, my point is I'm going insane. I truly, truly am going insane. Yesterday I had a really big panic attack. I don't feel like I'm capable of doing this. Like it sounds dramatic, and right now I'm probably, you know, I probably come across like I'm doing just fine. I did my makeup. I haven't done my makeup for a week. I feel stressed, okay, but I'm doing it anyway. Do you know why I'm doing it? Because I want to live a life less ordinary. And every single thing that I've ever done that has been truly terrifying has always been something that I learned a lot from. Something that was needed, something that was necessary. So I think I'm really anxious about this because it's the right thing. You know, I think if you're anxious about something, it's because it's the right thing for you. And the idea of it is really scary, but I think the idea of not chasing your dreams is so much scarier, don't you think? I truly probably come across more brave than I actually am. Let me give you an example. I feel FOMO for people that live life, you know, to the fullest extent. People that are really living, people that are excited, I feel FOMO and I want to be a part of that. And so from the outside, people probably look at my Instagram or my life and my vlogs and whatever and just think she's living such a good life. Like she's out and about, she's living the dream, she's happy, whatever. In reality, I am just so afraid of being too afraid to try things that I force myself to do things. And then I get the payoff, which is, you know, having an amazing experience, having great stories to tell and whatever. Like, I get the payoff from stepping out of my comfort zone because it always is a payoff. It's always amazing, it's always worth it. And if something goes wrong and it doesn't feel right, it's so easy to fix it. It's so easy to just be like, you know what, this isn't working for me. I'm gonna just fly back home. It's so easy to do that, but like I think the anticipation towards something is so much worse than actually doing the thing because nothing's ever permanent. We can change the narrative, we can change our lives. I watched the Hannah Montana 20th anniversary thing. What's that song? You can change your life and you can change your clothes. I'm getting it wrong, but you know that song. Anyway, I have always been the type of person where like I truly probably come across way more brave than I actually am. But if I'm standing like in line, okay, getting ready to go on a roller coaster and all of my friends are getting on it, and I'm terrified, like no part of me wants to get on it. I think I have always been like this. Like I will just throw myself into it for the sake of like being a part of the conversation afterwards, like being able to sit there and be like, yeah, like we all did it. Even if I wasn't necessarily sitting there with my hands up, waving in the air, like enjoying it, loving life. I'm probably sat there like this with my eyes shut on the roller coaster, but it's the feeling of I did it. Like I can actually do things. I can do things. I'm afraid, but when you don't do things, it feels like sh. You know what I mean? Like it feels so much better to be a part of something, even if you're so terrified throughout the process of doing that thing. You are going to find some sort of peace and you are going to gain from that experience, and you're gonna feel really credible and really amazing and like you are that person. It starts off with small things like getting on the roller coaster with your friends, even if you don't want to do it. And then maybe it's solo traveling or, you know, solo traveling for a little bit of your trip, like just whatever. I think that practicing doing things out of your comfort zone and saying yes to things, anything that really scares you is gonna help. And so I think I'm only able to do this right now, like literally move overseas in less than a week by myself. Well, I'm not fully moving, I'm testing it out. I wouldn't be able to do this if I didn't spend the last year literally like leaping out of my comfort zone. I spent the last 365 days genuinely saying yes to so many things that scared the shit out of me. So many things. I moved here to Melbourne. I traveled alone a lot, I traveled with random people. I don't necessarily recommend this to everyone because it could go both ways. It could be amazing or a disaster. Luckily for me, it went well. But let me just elaborate really quickly. So I really wanted to fly to Europe, and flying to Europe from Australia is a long journey, okay? Like 20-something hours, probably 30 hours all up as a travel day. And it's hard to rely on people to like come with you when you want to do a big life-changing trip, when you've saved up for something and you want to do something. I think you shouldn't wait for your friends or your partner to be ready to do that thing with you. Some of us just want to do something so bad, and it's like we're so capable of doing it, but we paralyze ourselves into believing that we can't do that thing unless someone is literally holding our hand through it. You know what I'm saying? But the reality is you're not gonna have that every single time. And so with Europe, like I really wanted to go and I wanted to see all of these places because I'd never been, you know, when I was younger, we never went to Europe. So it was hard to make this decision, but I ended up being like, you know what? I have a bunch of Instagram friends, like literally other creators that I know of. Why don't I message them, see if anybody wants to go to Europe and I'm just gonna like hop around and meet different people? And that's exactly what I did. And so I started off in London with my friend from Scotland. She came to visit London, and we had the most amazing week. Honestly, it was so amazing. I learned so much. I think back to that trip, and I just I feel so happy and grateful that I did it. Like, truly, like so grateful. And then right after that, I went to a whole bunch of different places with my friend who's actually from Texas, and we were in Paris together, and we did all these really beautiful things. It was honestly a great time. And then I went back to London, I stayed with my friend Gabby, who lives in London, and I just I did so many great things. I traveled around Europe a lot. I went to Tuscany, I went to Spain, I went to Spain with my friend Gianna. We had an amazing time. Like, honestly, I did so much in that trip. I got close to so many people. I just cannot imagine what my life would look like right now if I didn't go on that trip. Because truly, that's one of the best things I ever did for myself. It was so out of my comfort zone. Okay. And I can't believe I'm now sitting here on the other side of it thinking, like, oh my God, that adventure that's been done. Like I actually did it and I had an amazing time. And I guess, like, yes, some things were hard and some things were easier. And it was just what it was. It was the experience. I can't control what it's gonna look like when I'm going into something. But all I know is I have good intentions, I'm hoping for the best, and the universe loves me and it wants me to have a good time. And so I'm gonna have a good time. That's what I think. That's how I manifest things. And so anyway, before going on this trip, I was losing my mind. I can't even tell you. I was crying, I was stressed, like I just couldn't comprehend getting on a flight for that long by myself, landing in London, sleeping there by myself, and just like I'd never been, like it was all just a lot, you know. And I think for some other people, they'd be like, How could you ever be nervous about that? That's not even that serious. I think it's because from Australia, it's a really, really long flight. So you land and you feel delusional. And it was my first time truly like solo traveling and sleeping in a different country on my own, like getting to the accommodation on my own. Just all of it, all of it was really scary and daunting, and I ended up having an amazing time. So I really recommend to do things outside of your comfort zone because what's the alternative? You're sitting around thinking, what if I went? What if I just went? What if I just did that thing? As a girl who is very anxious. I'm literally on Certralein. It's an SSRI to help with anxiety. As someone who is very anxious, I will say it doesn't feel any better to just be stagnant, like just to be home and comfortable. Like I spent last winter sort of sitting here, kind of just wishing that I wasn't here. I just think it's really, really hard for me to feel happy being just comfortable. Whereas on the flip side, I think I could just have so much more fun traveling and doing other things and meeting new people than being stuck here in winter just because I'm too afraid to do anything else. I mean, that's literally pathetic, actually. I have a few different things scripted, but I wanted to just talk about my feelings around overthinking and moving and, you know, just big life changes. Like life is scary. Okay, can we just talk about this for a second? Life is so hard. Life is so hard. Like it's hard. Like when you see a couple that's been together for years and years, you know, I can't help but think, oh my gosh, you guys must have gone through so much together because things change, people change, feelings change. Like life is really turbulent. And I actually have this theory that life is a little bit easier if you can grasp doing things like moving and traveling and throwing yourself into the deep end every now and then. I think it's actually really healthy to do that because things happen. Bad things happen and it sucks. And I hate that. I hate that bad things happen, but they just do. And I think if you're able to move through life in a way where you're like, okay, that's happened, let's figure it out. Let's just deal with it head on. I'm gonna get through this, like I get through everything. If you can think like that, you're sweet. Like life is gonna be sweet. But if you try and stay comfortable, I actually think it's worse to be that way. You know, if you never practice just going through the motions of life and kind of dealing with your anxieties towards things and moving or growing or whatever. I just think you can't go wrong chasing your dreams. On one hand, you're comfortable, you stay in the same relationship, you stay in the same friend group. Okay, maybe this relationship isn't the right fit for you, and you know that, but you just stay because it's comfortable. Or this friendship group doesn't make you feel good, but again, you're still friends with them because, oh, like I don't want to be alone and have to be on my own and make new friends. Listen, you came into this world by yourself. You're supposed to do things by yourself. You're gonna go through different flows of life and you're gonna change in different chapters and different people and boyfriends and whatever, and you're gonna be okay. You're always gonna be okay. But if you are so afraid to try things and you just stay comfortable and stay on your own, then you're just gonna have a mid-life. This life is gonna be mid and you're not really gonna have great experiences. Because why would you? You don't, that's not how the universe works. You don't get rewarded an incredible life with incredible, extraordinary experiences if you don't step out of your comfort zone. That's not possible. Anyone who's living an extraordinary life, an artist, an actress, like I don't know, anyone that's doing something that you admire has had to step out of their comfort zone, has had to be afraid, has had to move somewhere or do something big in order to achieve their dreams. The question is, are you brave enough to do that? Let me tell you something. There are gonna be a lot of times in this world, I truly believe, where we have to push through an insane amount of anxiety in order to have a better experience or get what we want. You know, maybe it's going off to college, maybe I don't know. I'm just trying to think of like random examples. Like the same way that I'm feeling so anxious about moving my life and going to LA and putting all of my stuff into storage and going into long distance and all of that. One of you might be feeling very similar. You know, maybe all of your friends got into this one college and then you are by yourself going to another one, and you're like, how am I going to cope? I'm gonna miss my friends, I'm gonna be homesick, this and that. But then you never know because like you can't visualize what it looks like. Like you can't see what that is like. So everything is bad. Then it's like, oh my god, it's just gonna be awful. I just can't imagine it going any other way but awful because literally that's like what our brains do. You know, we feel the fear and you need to just do it anyway. You need to feel the fear and do it anyway because these limiting beliefs do not help. And you will never know until you actually go there and you try it. And the thing is that's so funny about us humans is we can get through anything you can get through it unless someone's literally like pointing a gun at your face. Then I don't know what to tell you. It's not looking good then. But realistically, we're gonna be okay. You know what our brains do when we're anxious about something. I think a lot of people's lives are dominated by fear, by caution, and by being comfortable. And unfortunately, let me tell you something that might be a hard pill to swallow. The most exciting lives, the best lives, the lives worth living, are those lives where the person had to go through all of the motions and really step out of their comfort zone and get through that feeling of anxiety and fear and caution and oh my god, I'm gonna, I'm not gonna be okay. This is gonna kill me. I'm not gonna be able to do this. The people that get through those things are the people that have the most exciting lives, are the people that quit caring about being safe and comfortable and they get over the caution and they really just live and they live for themselves and they live full and they live a good life. And the thing is, home is always gonna be here for me. I need to watch this video myself, okay? Because now I'm in a good mood. I'm happy I put my makeup on for the first time. It's like, okay, what can I do? I've packed up my things, I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm probably gonna cry. I'm probably gonna feel really anxious, panic, whatever. I'm just gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to deal with it. I'm gonna FaceTime my friends, I'm gonna be okay. Anticipating the move is a lot worse than actually doing it and being there. You know what I mean? Listen, whenever you or I overthink, we're not exploring new ideas. We're literally just circling the same thing in our mind. It's insane. What if I look stupid doing this? What if I regret it? What if it's the worst experience of my life? You have to remember, fear is just a feeling. Fear cannot actually hurt you. You know what I mean? But it's all consuming. It's a message from deep inside of your brain trying to keep you safe, and that's really all that it is. But I think this was most, you know, useful back in the day where you could get eaten alive by like a crazy animal, like a tiger, or you were a caveman, or you know, going out and you know, walking that way meant maybe I'm gonna get eaten by something and I need to have that caution and that fear. I don't know. It's just not the same anymore. We think that it means something, but really it's just uncomfortable to feel fear. It just doesn't mean anything. It's not gonna hurt you. It's just you're limiting beliefs. We treat it like it's so important, but we need to start treating fear like we are bigger than that. We can deal with the fear. That's nothing. You know what I'm saying? Like we are capable, we're living this life. We're getting up every single day, we're doing things by ourselves. We are so capable. You are so capable. You can do that thing that you're afraid of doing. It's just the fear is holding you back, but fear can't hurt you. Fear is nothing. Fear is a feeling that is useless to you right now because, like I said, we need to start treating fear like the useless feeling that it is. We need to start doing things that make us feel fear because then it eliminates the feeling of fear. It actually shuts it off. It's like, I did it and what? And if I'm afraid of that and I did it and it was fine, then I can do this thing that scares me as well. And it's just like a snowball effect. One last thing I'm gonna say is human beings, you and I, are hardwired to avoid risk. And the mere thought of risk creates primal fear. It's embedded in us. It's just a part of the way that we think. We're scared. Like, is this gonna kill us? Are we gonna be okay? It's not a useful feeling to, you know, ruminate in. It's time that we really just step out of our comfort zone. This is the year for it. This is the year that we achieve things that we want to achieve, that we step out of our comfort zones. Write me some nice comments, encourage me about moving. I read all of your comments. It really does mean a lot. I know it's asking a lot to go down there and comment something for me because I can be like a really silent viewer and I tend to watch videos and not comment anything, but I just think I need it, you guys. I'm always giving you reassurance and advice. I need some advice from my online best friends, from you guys. I'm really anxious. I don't feel capable. I feel stressed. I haven't lived alone in a while, so that's stressful. But um, yeah, let me know what you guys think about me moving. Do you think I'm gonna have a good time? I don't know. I will see you very soon in my next video.