How To Turn Your Anxious Attachment Into Confidence

Do you overthink texts, need constant reassurance, or feel like your mood depends on someone else's attention? In this episode, we're unpacking anxious attachment and how to stop chasing validation from everyone but yourself. We'll talk about why you get attached so quickly, the habits keeping you stuck in the cycle, and how to build the kind of confidence that doesn't disappear when someone leaves you on read. 

Transcript

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Listen to me, your anxious attachment is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. And I want you to know it's a trauma response, not a personality trait. And it is something that you can heal. It is something that you will feel better about by the end of this video. Also, side note, I just moved to LA by myself. If you're new here, my name's Luma. I used to live in Australia and I moved all the way to LA, California by myself. So if there's any reason for you to listen to me and my advice, it is that I don't just do the yapping, I walk the walk. Okay. I am brave. I do things on my own. I have healed myself. I have gotten rid of any anxious attachment. I'm not a perfect person, but I feel like I have really good advice to give. And so therefore that's why I'm your online best friend. I'm gonna stop yapping, we're gonna get right on into it. Today's topic is how to get rid of and how to actually fix anxious attachment. I'm gonna start with something that might be a little bit more negative, but it might be something that I think a lot of you will be able to relate to. I think social media makes us feel like we're easy to replace as individuals. There's a million people doing more than you. There's a million more beautiful girls that are earning more, doing more, whatever. I think for a lot of us, I'm not saying this is the same for all of us, but for a lot of us, that made me question why would someone just like be loyal to me or choose me in this world of so many options? Like that's my brain, you know, that's the anxiety. And I would get swept up into relationships or situationships or even friendships. And I just felt very anxiously attached to that person because I was almost running away from what I was truly afraid of, which was being alone, being secure in myself, kind of going through that whole journey. Let's take a deep breath. This is the famous deep breath. If you're new to this channel, this is something that we do, do it with me, or don't if you want to keep feeling like shit. Just kidding. Um, let's have a deep breath. That was so good. Let's do another one. The unfortunate truth is that this world gives you so many reasons to doubt yourself. And while my job is on social media, I also think about this quite a lot. How there's a lot going on, okay? And it's not healthy, and I have to have a really good head on my shoulders doing what I do, living where I live now, and being surrounded by certain people. It's just, it's really easy to forget, you know, that I am actually one in a million, one in a billion. I was put onto this planet individually as my own person. Even if I had a twin, I'm still Luma. Okay, there's only one of me. And that's very special. There's only one of you. We can't be everything, everywhere, all at once. Okay. And that's the thing about life. You know, it really comes down to our choices. And that's why in some of my pep talks, when I'm talking about getting what you want or life, I always say, you know, the thing that's hard about this life is that you can have all these things you want to do, but then you know, you hit your mid-20s and it's like, oh my God, if you don't actually get up to go and do those things or go and travel to those places, you're never gonna get there. Like it's you who's gonna get you to where you want to be. And that's hard, you know? We are complicated. Being a human is so complicated. I read something the other day that was like, if you are a human being, you can't be completely bad with no good, and vice versa, you can't be completely good with no bad. Okay. I truly believe in that. I know that there are some people that are literally psychopaths and crazy, but I don't believe that someone can just be 100% bad. Even if it's only 1% good, I don't believe you can be 100% bad with not a tinge of good, or vice versa. And so we're complicated, we're messy, I argue with people, I'm sure I annoy people, like I'm not perfect. But all I can be is the best that I can be. And it only makes me feel worse about myself. It only makes me feel more anxiously attached to someone if I start to get in my head too much about I'm not her or I'm not doing this or I'm not that. It's just toxic. It's like poison in your brain, and we need to get rid of that. Let me tell you something. I really hope that this person doesn't watch today's video or listen to today's audio if you're listening on Spotify, because that would be so embarrassing. So I'm not gonna say his name. I went on a walk with somebody, okay. He trains at this very popular gym here in LA. It's like a very culty gym, okay? That's just like how it is out here, and all the celebrities go there and whatever. And I think old me in the past hanging out with someone like that wouldn't be able to hold myself in this regard that I hold myself at now. Because in my head, it's like, oh, but you just you train all these beautiful girls. And I know that's kind of an ugly way to think, but it's just the truth. It's where my mind goes. Our minds go to ugly places when we're human beings. And I've noticed I'm in the perfect place to be giving this kind of advice or talking about this topic because when I was hanging out with this friend today, I realized something about myself. I don't compare myself anymore. In my head, like I hold myself at such a high regard that it's like, oh, but you're lucky to be hanging out with me. The same way I'm lucky to be hanging out with you. You are so lucky to hang out with me. I'm giving you my time. We're going for a walk. Yeah, you might train beautiful women, but like I am also a beautiful woman. And I am a valuable person, and there is only one of me, take it or leave it. Regardless of what you think, I am a valuable person. Okay. I always say this. It's like walking into the Louis store. Maybe you see a bag and it's not a bag that you like, and you're like, oh, that's I don't want to buy that bag. That doesn't take away its value, babe. It's still at the Louis store. It's still a Louis bag. Somebody might look at me and think, I just I don't like her. Like for whatever reason, I just don't like her. And that's fine. Am I gonna sit here in the fetal position and lose sleep over it? Absolutely not. I gotta keep it pushing, babes. So I'm not gonna sit here and be anxious and be overthinking, and it's just ugly. It's ugly. Not only is it unattractive for that person, it's also just an ugly energy to put out. You get what you give, and so I'm just gonna be receiving more of that if I'm putting it out there. I'm in a really good place because I don't compare myself to anybody, and this is what's helped me with anxious attachment. So let's break down anxiety really quickly, and then we're gonna get into anxious attachment and then how to get rid of it. Anxiety is basically your brain trying to protect you from a threat that isn't there. And anxious attachment is specifically anxiety about people, losing people, abandonment issues, feeling like you're not enough, like I was talking about before, comparing yourself to other people in their life, or why would they choose me, or all of these ugly negative feelings. You might not even realize this, but 99% of the time, this starts way before your relationship or your friendship or situationship, whatever you're in. This is something you were dealing with before. But being in a relationship is now shining a light on that insecurity, and this is something that we need to work on. This is really bad because it robs you of being present, it robs you of having a good experience, you're catastrophizing the future, you're thinking about the past, it's just you're never living in the present. Anxiety is literally ancient. It's like caveman ancient. Your brain basically developed fear as a survival mechanism. Thousands of years ago, when actual life or death threats existed, now we're not dealing with life or death. I mean, unless somebody literally points a gun to your face, which I know is a crazy thing to say and not a nice image to have in your mind, unless that happens, that fear, it's not needed. It's not beneficial. Okay. You in a relationship with somebody feeling all of this anxiety and fear when you're not together, oh my God, that needs to stop. We need to fix that because that's ridiculous. That fear response, the racing heart, the anxiety, the panic attack, the inability to think clearly was designed for ancient times. Like I said, where it was life or death. Not for now. Not for you in a relationship, honey. And what's crazy is when you feel that way, you actually push someone away. It's unattractive. Like I keep saying, unfortunately, I know this is harsh to hear. It's ugly. The problem is our brains never got the update. We never got the software update. I'm a very anxious person. I've struggled with panic attacks. I'm now on an SSRI, which is like a form of like anxiety medication. Like I struggle, babes. I struggle. And you know what's funny? People that don't struggle with anxiety would probably look at me and be like, oh, she's so weak. She thinks she needs meds. My life has changed now being on meds. It does make a massive difference for me. So some of us are more anxious than others, and we have to work hard at it. Does that mean that my meds have changed my life only? No, it's also my mindset. It's hand in hand. If you don't want to get on medication or anything, no one's forcing you to do that. It really does start from here. You can do anything with your mind. But I'm just saying, you know, I'm a very anxious person, so I understand anxious attachment better than anybody. And there are things that you can do about it, and we're gonna get into that. But I just wanted to start off talking about anxiety and the primal fear and how anxious attachment will literally rob you of having a good life experience. It sucks. Like some of us have anxiety when somebody leaves us on red or doesn't want to hang out with us, okay? And that's your body treating the situation like you're gonna die or something really bad is gonna happen. Think about how crazy that is. It's just a limiting belief. Speaking of limiting beliefs, let's get into it. I am going to tell you about limiting beliefs. I talk about this a lot on this channel. I think it's very important to be aware of your limiting beliefs, to clock them. I want you to do something for me, whether this is in your journal or on your phone, or just saying it out loud, but I highly recommend writing them down. We are going to do limiting beliefs with Luma. Ding. We're gonna say them out loud or write them down, and then we are going to kill them off, and we're going to take away the power and override it with the truth. And we're gonna say or write down the truth. Exposure therapy, baby. That's what we're doing right now. So I am going to be your favorite YouTuber like I always am, and I'm going to be very honest with you, and I'm going to put myself out here. This might be a little bit embarrassing, but I'm a human being, like I said, I'm not perfect, and I'm going to tell you some of my limiting beliefs that I have personally written down in the past. I have such a cute journal, by the way. I kind of want to get up and show you. Okay, hold on. This is my journal. So cute. It says Luma on it. It's from this brand, this is not sponsored, by the way, paper. And I've been writing a lot. And so the other day I wrote down my limiting beliefs. It's something that I like to do in my own life. And then I directly under that wrote down why it's a limiting belief. And, you know, it's like my emotional self talking to my rational self, which I find very interesting. So let's start with my first limiting belief. I've just moved. So I've moved overseas and I don't have a permanent visa. It's like a long holiday. I'm just kind of like sussing the vibes. Do I like it here? Do I want to stay? Do I want to try and go for a more permanent visa? Like just figuring it out. And because I've moved, there's a lot of anxiety around this, there's a lot of uncertainty. My life feels very turbulent. I went from being very comfortable, very unhappy in Melbourne to all of a sudden I'm in a whole new city. I'm feeling all these new feelings. It's wild. It's actually wild. I wrote this down in my notes, so I'm looking down to read it. But my first limiting belief is my life is stressful, my life is uncertain. I don't know where I'm gonna be living in six months, therefore, I just everything's gonna be bad, it's all gonna crash and burn. It's too good to be true, nothing will figure itself out. I'm not gonna be able to get a visa, everything sucks. Okay, that's my limiting belief. I'm gonna be honest. That's what I feel sometimes when I get anxious. Here's how I killed that belief. The truth is, I'm young. I have my shit together, I trust myself. I'm not out here on the streets struggling. I'm not putting myself in bad situations or surrounding myself with bad people. I can easily go back home or I can figure something out. I'm sure if I really wanted to get a visa, I could figure something out. People go backpacking for years, okay, and are in like an uncomfortable life situation. I am not doing that. I'm trying to like find balance and regulate myself as best as possible. But like you're never fully gonna know what the hell is happening when you move overseas by yourself. I'm doing the best that I can and I'm doing amazing, and that's how I kill that limiting belief. Another limiting belief that I have is, oh, this one's this one's I'm really putting myself out here and telling you guys all of my deepest secrets. But something I feel sometimes when I'm anxious is I'm gonna turn 25 this year and I haven't made it. Okay, I haven't done anything, which I know it's like crazy to hear that because I've done what I feel like is a lot. I'm very hard on myself and I compare myself to people online. Yeah, I'm turning 25 this year and I just haven't made it. I'll never be able to make it and I'm a failure. That's what I feel sometimes. And then here's how I kill that belief. I work hard. I'm further than a lot of people my age. I'm very fortunate. I am capable. I'm in a city now where things happen. So I've actually put myself in the position to be able to receive the things that are from me. I wasn't able to outliving in Australia where like the creative industry is quite dead. You know what I mean? Even though I love Australia, it's just what it is. It's not the place that you live when you want to make it or like be seen or I don't know, audition for things and get a cool role or like start singing or make an album. Like that doesn't happen in Australia. Everyone has a different timeline. Mine might be that I make it at 24, 25, 26, 27. Sizzar released her album Control at 27, I'm pretty sure. So it's like that's how I kill that belief. Everyone has a different timeline. 24, 25 is still young. I'm 24 right now, and I tell myself I'm a flop and I haven't made it and I'm never going to, and that's my limiting belief, and that's how I kill that belief. And I'm gonna give you one more, so a third. Again, this one is when I'm feeling down bad. I don't really feel this way anymore, but I used to feel this way a lot. There are so many pretty girls, there are too many options. Anyone that dates me will eventually fold and just go cheat because that's what they all do. That's what I used to think. And I had to kill that belief by telling myself, yes, people do cheat. Okay, but the same way that I want something real, there is a man that also wants something real and will respect me and show up for me the way that I show up for him. He exists. I'm not gonna paralyze myself into believing that all men suck. A lot of them suck, but not all, not every single one. Okay, I refuse to believe it. And then, like, okay, let's say they do cheat. Girl, I'm fine. I earn money, I have my friends, I have my family, I can travel, shit. You can like make babies by yourself in this world if you really wanted to. Sperm donor. But anyway, that's how I kill that belief. So I want you to write down three or more, however many you want, the more the merrier. Limiting beliefs, things that really stress you out, spike your cortisol levels, okay? And then I want you to think rationally. What would your rational brain tell yourself? And I want you to write that down. It's a really good trick. It's a really, really good way to, you know, remind yourself, kind of like clock yourself the truth of the situation. Because now when I feel anxious about one of these things, because I write it down so often, I feel the feelings, but then I'm like, this is irrational because I know the truth. And the truth is that I am valuable or I am doing good or whatever it is. You know what I mean? Because I write it down. So I've practiced this before, and this is just a feeling, it's fear, it's the primal fear. I don't have the update. Remember, I was saying, like, I still have that primal fear that everything's gonna be awful and I'm gonna die and get eaten by a tiger. Like that fear, when I feel it, it's like, no, honey, I'm I'm I'm not feeling this. I'm not entertaining this, I'm not gonna spiral, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not doing this. Because every time I spiral about somebody not liking me or somebody abandoning me or whatever it is, that's my primal brain trying to keep me safe from a threat that isn't there. You're not weak for feeling it, but you are wasting your life by entertaining it. I'm going to give you advice on things that you can physically and mentally do to get rid of your anxious attachment, okay? So, one thing I want to talk about is you really need to be able to spend time by yourself. I know this sounds like a fridge magnet, like a live, laugh, love, spend time alone. Like I know it's very basic advice, but the truth is that is the number one way you are going to get so good at killing your anxious attachment and being better than it. So here's something I want to talk to you guys about. In my first relationship, okay, I was very anxiously attached. I wouldn't do anything by myself. There's no way I would go traveling by myself. That wasn't a thing for me. And then I changed, you know, I got into a new relationship and I found that I was a whole different person because I think it's because we were doing long distance, and so that would force me to go back to like being by myself and having to be like self-sufficient and like do things on my own. I was living alone in a city and he was living in a different city. So I realized there was this pattern, right? Where we would be hanging out and then I would be very sad to say goodbye. I would cry, I would be like, oh my God, I'm so stressed. This feels awful. Like, that's the thing that's hard about long distance. And then two days later, I'm totally fine. In fact, I'm really happy because I'm like, oh, actually, I do have a lot to do, and this is great. I can focus on all of these things and then I can see him, and it's like delayed gratification. We can spend quality time together, not quantity. And so I actually think that's a very healthy way to be in a relationship. And I actually have the belief in my mind that being in a long-distance relationship, people that are in long-distance relationships almost love deeper than people that are together all the time. You know, I really believe that because they are working on themselves, but they're also showing up for each other. So it's like you are a secure person because you have your own things to do in your city. You're busy, you're not constantly with them 24-7 just for the sake of feeling something and being with someone. And this is very healthy, especially when you're younger, especially when you're in your 20s or whatever age, to be honest. I just think it's very healthy to have your own space, your own life. Even living with a partner. I mean, I have like my own room. That's the way I like to do it. And that's the only way I'll do it. Like in the future, whatever, living with a partner. I want my own bedroom. Not because I want to sleep in that bedroom like all the time, but I want us to have like our bed and our bedroom and whatever. But like I want to have a room that I can escape to to do my work, to like chill if I want to stay up, like whatever. And anyway, I think I'm like this now because I don't want to spend 24-7 with you because then I slip into this anxious attachment thing that I deal with. And I'm a human being, so it comes back to me sometimes. Okay. But like I think I was forced to really sit with my feelings and be introspective and understand, like, oh, that's just this irrational fear. Because I actually really do like being alone. And I get a lot done when I'm alone. And no T no shade, some of my friends that are in relationships that are like consumed by their relationship and constantly with their partner, they're not doing anything crazy with their life. They're not traveling, they're not being exciting, they're just constantly with their partner, waiting for their partner, and that's sort of all they do. We are put on this planet. This is what I believe. You might not believe in this, this is what I believe. We are put on this planet for something bigger than romantic love. We have a purpose, we have a calling. There are places to travel, people to meet, things to do within your career. You can't just get rid of all of that and just, you know, be in a relationship and just be in love. Like, come on. There's more to life than that. So it's good to have a balance. And so it's good to be able to be by yourself. Even if you want to hang out with somebody, sometimes just stay home. You don't have to be with them 24-7. It's good to just stay home, watch a show, have a shower, just like the simple pleasures. You don't have to be in that boyfriend air all the time. Because if your peace depends on somebody else's behavior, then you will never actually have peace. And trust me on that, peace comes from within. Again, fridge magnet, hello. Live, live, love. Peace comes from within. I feel at peace because I know no matter what happens, I am going to be okay. I'm strong and I'm gonna be okay. I want you to understand that the story that your fear is telling you is not the truth. Physical things that you can do is I want you to regulate your nervous system daily. Whatever that looks like for you, going to the gym, going to Pilates, going for a walk, go and work at a library, go in. I love co-working spaces. My gym here in LA has a co-working space. I love going to it. Breath work, exercise, cold plunge, whatever it is. Do one of these things. When I meet someone, I'm gonna clock you really quickly. When I meet someone and they don't do any form of exercise, I'm honestly like in disbelief. How do you exist? How do you exist? I'm judging you. Yes, I am, because you need to do some sort of exercise. I don't care if it's just a walking pad at home or yoga or like whatever. Like, you need some sort of exercise to ground you. They literally retrain your body's stress response. And that's gonna help you catch a spiral before it starts. The second that you realize you're in your head, say it out loud. I'm being ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous. No, I'm not gonna stalk this person's location or sit here anxiously waiting for a text. I'm being ridiculous. I don't care if it consumes your mind. Go to the movies by yourself, go watch a movie, hang out with friends. There's a million different things you could do that are so much more productive and so much more fun than sitting around being anxious over a person. Because if you found out tomorrow that you have a life-threatening illness, okay, which God forbid, hopefully, fingers crossed, none of you guys are experiencing this. I don't think you'd be sitting around here, like, oh, let's stalk this person's following list because that's productive with the however many years I have left. I'm not laughing, that's really dark. But you know what I'm saying? Like, let's change the narrative, okay? Let's rise above the anxious attachment. I hope that you guys liked today's video. Please, please, please do me a favor, like this video, comment on this video. I know that a lot of you watch and love me and love these videos, but I'm constantly, you know, refreshing looking at the comments because I just want to see if you guys like it, if you want more of it. So just leave me a comment. I love you guys. I appreciate you guys, and I will see you in my next video.