Episode Seventeen - Chaos Unleashed

In this action-packed episode of Borkum the Battler, Borkum devises a bold (and questionable) plan to infiltrate a hill giant encampment and rescue Edward’s captive sister. But when his crew hears the strategy, they aren’t exactly impressed. With Lykxnzzl’s scathing wit, Hawk Tuah’s skepticism, and Brindle’s surprising endorsement, the team debates whether Borkum’s crazy idea might just work.

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Transcript

Borkum Season #2 Episode 5

Lykxnzzl was the first to give me his opinion about my plan that I had just laid out, and he did not hold back.

"Honestly, old boy, that is a shitty plan. In fact, if I took a big dump right here and flung it against that tree behind us, that would be a better plan than what you just laid out."

Elaria, our cleric of few words, nodded her agreement.

Hawk Tuah also nodded but felt she had to dogpile onto me. "Borkum, I hate to agree with Lykxnzzl, and I mean no offense to our Drow elf here, but yeah, I am not feeling this plan. In fact, I think it sucks."

Lykxnzzl nodded and smiled at Hawk Tuah. "No offense taken, young lady."

Brindle raised his hand to speak, and I expected another thrashing, but that was not what happened.

"Borkum’s plan, although half-cocked and crazy sounding, just might actually work," he said matter-of-factly.

Lykxnzzl and Hawk Tuah both responded in shock, "What?"

As the most intelligent of our group—besides myself, of course—I was happy that Brindle and I could have these intelligent conversations from time to time.

"Let us look at the facts as they are presented to us," Brindle paused for effect and began drawing a map of the compound in the dirt. "We all agree that a frontal attack against the encampment won’t work. We all agree we are outmuscled. No argument there. So, we need a distraction like Borkum said. What do we have as a distraction? We have those cattle and horses in that pen over here." With that, Brindle drew an X adjacent to the camp. "If we can release those cattle, which are notoriously skittish, and we get a good scare in them so that they scatter, they might serve as a distraction enough for the hill giants and wolves to chase after them."

Edward was the first to see how this plan could work and asked next, "How would we scare them?"

"I light the place up with some fireworks, a small fireball, maybe a few magic missiles. That should scare our bovine companions enough to get the herd moving."

Hawk Tuah nodded. "Okay, I could charm a few of the cattle simply enough and encourage them to run off, and the others should follow the leader. Then what do we do?"

It was back to me to expound on the plan now and really convince everyone this could work. "Once the herd is on the move, I suspect the Hill Giants and wolves will give chase. With the camp emptied out, we could sneak in and find Edward’s sister, check for other hostages, and if we get an opportunity, we kill the remaining giants. This way, we are not fighting all of them at once."

Elaria nodded her head and added, "Hearing this idea a second time, I think we might actually have something here."

Lykxnzzl scratched his chin for a moment. "Okay, hearing it a second time, it is not the shittiest idea we could come up with. I apologize, old boy."

"No worries, Lykxnzzl, I know it is not the best idea," I added. I looked at Hawk Tuah, who simply stared at the ground for a solid minute before looking at me.

"It is still a shitty idea, but I think I can get behind it," Hawk Tuah countered.

"Thank you, everyone, thank you," Edward enthusiastically said.

We all looked at him. I suspect we each held out a bit of pity for him, and this pity was tainting our thought process, but we were going to try and do the right thing here.

I recommended we start when the moon was high. We waited for the giants to sleep, then made our way down the canyon. Brindle and I would release the cattle and scare them off. Hawk Tuah, Lykxnzzl, and Elaria would wait until the camp was clear, then make their way in to try and find the hostages. Edward was to cover us with arrows from the rear.

By late afternoon, as the sun set in the west, the giants slaughtered a cow. They roasted it over a large fire while drinking barrels of mead and ale. The wolves fought over scraps, their yelps and snarls echoing through the valley. It was unnerving to watch.

As the night deepened, the giants broke out crude drums and instruments, playing long into the night. Some danced, some sang, and as the full moon rose, the wolves howled. It was like watching a dysfunctional family gathering.

Finally, the camp began to settle, giants slipping into their lean-tos and makeshift beds.

It was time to make our move.

We climbed down the valley wall, cautious of every loose rock. It took an hour to reach the canyon floor. The full moon cast the valley in silver light, far more than I would have liked. We used the shadows of trees and shrubs for cover as we crept toward the camp. The cattle's restless baying provided a useful cover noise.

Edward moved into position atop an outcropping. I signaled to Elaria, Lykxnzzl, and Hawk Tuah to hang back while I loosened the cattle pen’s crossbeams.

Brindle stepped forward, rolled up his sleeves, and began his incantations. Magic missiles streaked across the night sky, exploding in dazzling sparks. I jumped into the pen, shouting and slapping the cattle with the blunt side of my axe. Hawk Tuah charmed a large bull, urging it to run. And it did—straight into the giant encampment.

It was like watching a dam burst. The rest of the herd followed, trampling over sleeping wolves and startled giants. Chaos erupted. The wolves yelped, the giants bellowed in confusion, and cattle ran in every direction, breaking through the crude palisade.

I stood there, grinning ear to ear, watching the mayhem unfold.

And then, I started laughing uncontrollably.