The Hidden Losses of Grief After Losing a Child | Secondary Loss Explained

Grief is rarely just one loss.

When someone we love dies, we experience the primary loss — the loss of that person.

But what many people don’t realize is that grief often carries secondary losses.

These are the hidden losses that unfold after the death.

The loss of identity.

The loss of emotional support.

The loss of safety in the world.

The loss of the future we imagined.

For parents who have lost a child, these secondary losses can be especially profound.

You don’t just lose your child.

You lose the future you imagined for them.

In this episode of Rise in Mourning, we talk about the hidden layers of grief and why these secondary losses are such an important part of the healing journey.

If you are grieving, I hope this conversation helps you feel less alone and gives language to emotions many people struggle to explain.

And even in mourning… we rise.

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Transcript

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Hi friends, welcome back to Rise in Morning. I'm your host, Kristen Hajjar. If you're new here, this is a space where we talk about grief, faith, healing, and learning how to keep rising even after deep loss. Today I want to talk about something in grief that many people experience, but very few people actually talk about it. It's called secondary loss. And if you've ever felt like grief keeps unfolding in layers long after the initial loss, you're not imagining that. Grief isn't just the loss of the person that we love, it's often the loss of many other parts of life that were connected to them. So primary loss versus secondary loss is when someone we love dies. That's the primary loss. The loss of that person, their presence, their voice, their companionship. But after the initial loss, many people begin experiencing what are called secondary losses. These are the losses that happen because of the death. Sometimes they show up immediately, other times they appear months and even years later and continue. And these are the losses that catch us completely off guard. Before I go on, really quickly, I just want to remind you that if you love this podcast and this channel and find it helpful, please leave me a five-star review if you're listening. Make sure that you're subscribed to YouTube or Spotify wherever you listen. It really helps me out and the show. And when you leave a positive review, it helps others see the show. I'm a one-woman show and it takes a lot of time and preparation to plan these episodes. So please take those few seconds and do so. Thanks. And you can find me anywhere on socials at Rise in Morning for extra tips and community. Okay, so what are emotional losses? It's one type of secondary loss. It's emotional. When someone dies, we lose the emotional role they played in our life. The person we called when we needed comfort, the person who listened, or the person who supported us when we were struggling. Their emotional presence disappears, and that absence can feel incredibly heavy and hard to deal with. There are also physical losses. These are the physical things that are suddenly gone. The ability to hug them, to hear their voice, to see their smile, to hold their hand. And sometimes there are also physical objects tied to the loss: homes, toys, shared spaces or clothes. Any objects that once held memories. Another deeply painful secondary loss is the loss of identity. This is something I struggled heavily with, and I still do. So when someone we love dies, part of who we are feels like it disappears too. A spouse may struggle with who they are without their husband or wife. A child may struggle with who they are without their parents. And for parents who lose a child like me, there can be very deep loss tied to the identity of being that child's parent. Grief can leave people feeling like they are no longer the same person they once were. And the main big one that I struggle to this day is the how many kids do you have kind of question. And it's one that is very painful because as I've come to learn, you have to be very careful about the answer because you don't know if you're gonna see that person again, if that person becomes your friend, if that person comes over for a kid's birthday party and they're like, you said you had four kids. Where's the fourth? So I learned very early on that because in the beginning I didn't lie. I always said four, four kids. I have four kids. And even though that is the truth, to lie, it hurts so bad, and it just makes me so angry and sad inside when I'm saying three out loud. But you have to be very careful because um I have said four, and those scenarios have happened where I end up seeing the person again, and I didn't think I would, or we do become friends, or something like that happens, and then you're like, you have to like tell the story, you have to backpedal and you have to explain the situation. So, in many cases, like whatever grocery stores are just kind of like those random places that people happen to ask you, how many children you have? I definitely just say four and go on with it. Four boys, I love being a boy mom, etc. But in my community, in the boys school, I have to say three. And again, it's very painful to say that. When I'm saying it, I'm I'm like gritting my teeth and and I hate that lie because it's such a big important lie in my life that I have to say and I have to filter now, and it's really sad. But again, if you are a mom and you or a dad listening or watching, and you know, you know this feeling, and you this is a question that we get often, it seems, and it's one of the hardest to answer and we don't always get it right. But I do have four boys, I do have four children. It's just my identity has changed, and that's really tough. It's really tough. It seems like a simple question. It seems like, oh, as time passes, it's it's must be easier to say that you have three or whatever. Um, but it's something I always have to think about. It really is. In a kid's party or somebody that I meet new, I really have to think about what am I gonna say? Am I gonna see this person again potentially? So anyway, that is part of one of the secondary losses that I've definitely had to um navigate around. And I want to insert this part of the segment in about when a child dies, there are more layers to secondary losses that parents may describe. I just describe the just how many children do you have question. And that's just one of the secondary losses that we go through. But you don't just lose your child, you lose the future that you imagined for them, the future that they were supposed to have. You miss the life that they would have lived, the places they would have gone, the friendships they would have built, watching them grow, watching them graduate, seeing who they would become. And sometimes that grief shows up in the moments that feel completely ordinary, like seeing children their age, during family vacations, watching other parents celebrate milestones, and realizing that the life you imagined for your child will never unfold in the way you once believe it would. I'm not gonna lie, I struggle with all these types of secondary losses multiple times a year throughout the year since my Alec passed away. It is something that I've stopped apologizing for, stopped ignoring, or fighting against. Even now, as I get emotional talking about it, I found it's harder to push down my sadness than just feel it, acknowledge it, face it. So I just let myself feel what I need to, let those thoughts come and go, just like the waves of grief. Traumatic loss can also shatter your beliefs about the world. Before loss, many of us carry an unspoken belief that life will unfold in a certain way, that our families will grow, that we will all grow old together, that the people we love will stay, that we are untouchable in some way, when everything is going well and smoothly and happily in our lives, and we have a linear beginning, middle, and end. But when a sudden loss happens, something traumatic happens, those beliefs can be shaken really fast. Safety, security, trust, sometimes grief forces us to rebuild our understanding of the world. And I feel like I have gotten a more realistic uh sense of the world now. I live my life differently. I feel like I have a kind of more literal grip of my view of the world and what matters and what doesn't matter, and friendships, etc. So I think in some ways, because I was forced into reevaluating things in my life, that those understandings have made me better. And loss can change relationships. Sometimes friendships shift, sometimes people don't know what to say, and they usually end up saying the wrong things. Sometimes our grief changes the way that we interact with others, and many grieving people experience something very painful: isolation. Because grief can make you feel like you're living in a different world than everyone else, and you feel like no one gets you or what you're going through, and you're just kind of like grasping for someone to care, to listen to you, to feel, to, to understand what you're feeling. And when you are the one that is always like, I don't know, you have a different kind of like lens on. And if you're the one that is the only one with that lens on at the party or the gathering, the whatever school function, you kind of feel like like smaller, different in a bad way. And you just want to connect, you want to connect with people, but there's some kind of barrier there that I can't explain. And you only want genuine, you only want genuine relationships, friendships, conversations. You know, if you had a bad day, tell me, you know, don't pretend. Friendships changing and shifting is a big one, and I've experienced it and it's painful, and I'm still in it. But what can I tell you? It is what it is. And when you do find those people that you can connect with, hold on to them. That's all I can say. Hold on to them because those are the relationships that matter, the ones that keep showing up for you and that care for you. Remember, it's about quality and not quantity of the friendships. So, why does naming secondary loss matter? One of the reasons it's important to talk about secondary losses is because many grieving people feel confused by the layers of pain they experience. They wonder why grief keeps appearing in new ways. But often it's because grief isn't just about that one loss, it's about many losses unfolding over time. And recognizing those losses can help us begin processing them. That's why I hate the term get over it or you'll feel better in time. Uh, those are myths. And though the pain will lessen in time with time, there is no getting over grief because the waves will come and go. They will knock you down, and you'll have to catch your breath and continue to fight against the waves. So there's never getting over grief. Time will lessen it, lessen the pain of it. But with these layers of secondary losses that will continue throughout our lifetime, that is why we can't get over grief and why people don't understand until they understand. My faith reflection. As believers, grief can also bring us into deeper questions with God. Questions about suffering, about purpose, about the fragility of life. Thinking of our own mortality like never before. But scripture reminds us of something powerful. God does not stand at a distance from grief. He enters it with us, even in the layers, even in the hidden losses, even in all the crappiest parts of grief that feel impossible to explain. If you're experiencing grief and you're finding that it shows up in unexpected ways, just know you're not alone. And secondary losses are very real. And when some take your breath away, because they will, that would be a good time to practice some grounding techniques that I spoke about in the previous episode. Grief often carries so many layers of loss, but remember that healing also happens slowly, piece by piece. We learn how to live again. Thank you for being here with me today. And please don't forget to support this podcast. Leave a review, like, comment, and subscribe. And if this episode helped you, please share it with someone who might need it. Because even in mourning, we rise.