Discount Storytime
Each week brings you a stand-alone humorous short story for grown-ups. Every story is handcrafted for your enjoyment. We take care to ensure engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue are carefully edited out.
Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Cranberries and Romance: A Discount Storytime Thanksgiving Special
Ever wondered what happens when a high-powered CEO returns to her hometown for Thanksgiving and finds more than just cranberry sauce waiting for her? Join us on a whimsical journey with Wilhelmina, who, despite her corporate success, feels the blues creeping in this holiday season. Back in the charming town of Misty Canker, she stumbles upon a familiar face from her past, Tom Humdrum, igniting a delightful mix of nostalgia and romantic tension. As the holiday preparations unfold in a flurry of laughter and chaos, the story takes a heartwarming twist filled with both humor and mystery, exploring the potential for a rekindled romance amidst the joys and surprises of Thanksgiving.
Our sponsor this week is "Leche Bell Grande." Enjoy!
We still have free stickers left for those who want to answer the challenge question at the end. Good luck! :-)
Content Warning: Horror elements, Profanity
Music:
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
"Romantic Adventure" by Pavel Bekirov from Pixabay
“Funk Upbeat” by Mikhail Smusev from Pixabay
Turkey Sound Effects by freesound_community from Pixabay
taco-bell-bong-sfx sound effect by by James White from Pixabay
Sound Effects by Pixabay
"Send a text or Challenge Question Answer"
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Thanks!
Hi, this is Coffee McCann and welcome to Episode 29 of Discount Storytime literature's finest dumpster fire. This week's story is Cranberries and Romance a Discount Storytime Thanksgiving special. Our sponsor for today is Leche Belgrande Enjoy. At Taco Bell, we strive to provide an affordable and convenient dining experience to all our customers, but since 1951, one customer demographic remained outside our reach Until now. Today, taco Bell proudly announces Leche Belgrande, taco Bell's line of baby formula. That's right. Why should everyone else enjoy our amazing selection of crunch wraps, right? Why should everyone else enjoy our amazing selection of crunch wraps, chalupas and nachos, while your baby sits there drinking pediatrician-approved formula like a chump? Our Leche Belgrande bottles come in three different sizes A 4-ounce snack pack, 16-ounce regular, 16 oz regular or our popular 64 oz chuggernaut. Choose from the following fillings Cheesy, fiesta potatoes, beefy 5 layer or cantina chicken. And don't forget the hot sauce Mild hot fire or Diablo for babies that can handle their shit. Finally, each bottle has a nipple dipped in either nacho cheese sauce, chipotle ranch or crushed Doritos. Simply place your order in-store, at the drive-thru, online or use our app. Face it. Sooner or later they're going to eat Taco Bell anyway. Taco Bell's new Leche Belgrande Crawl to the border. Cranberries and Romance. A discount storytime, thanksgiving Special.
Speaker 1:Wilhelmina von Grubbelstein-Hoffmann von Grubbel stared out her window of her 980th floor corner office. She was the CEO of Passion Office Staples. Yes, that Passion Office Staples the most luxurious avant-fashion office staples in the world. You would think someone being so successful in Newest York would be happy a week before Thanksgiving. But Wilhelmina had the blues. But Wilhelmina had the blues. I have the blues. She thought bluely. She put on some music to reflect her blue feelings of having the blues and feeling blue.
Speaker 1:Improvisational bossa nova. Her assistant Martin asked what was wrong. What's wrong, asked Martin. Oh, I'm going back home for Thanksgiving. I haven't been back in a very long time. It will be nice to see my friends and family, but I'm just so busy, materialistic and self-absorbed. Oh no, her assistant Martin asked what was wrong. What's wrong, asked Martin, my flight board's in three minutes. I better start heading to the airport.
Speaker 1:And so Wilhelmina von Grubbelstein-Hoffmann von Grubbel arrived back in her hometown of Misty Canker. It's a small, pleasant town with a cute town square set in a nest of beautiful fall foliage. Stock images. Wilhelmina von Grubbelstein Hoffman von Grubbel couldn't help but be excited seeing her mother and father after so much time. And mother von Grubbelstein-Hoffmann von Grubbel and father von Grubbelstein-Hoffmann von Grubbel welcomed their daughter warmly and soon. It was just like old times, well almost.
Speaker 1:Father went to town to pick up some groceries and supplies for Thanksgiving dinner. Wilhelmina put away her things in her room and caught up with her mother. Wilhelmina, we have a surprise for Thanksgiving dinner this year. Her mother said oh, what's that? Oh, you'll see in a bit when your father gets back. Why not tell me now? Half-assed, dramatic suspense, her mother said with mischief in her eye.
Speaker 1:A little while later her father returned from town. The back of his rustic yet somehow street-legal truck was filled with goods for the Thanksgiving Day celebration. For the Thanksgiving Day celebration After all this year. The whole family, including Wilhelmina's three sisters, three brothers, eight cousins and that weird Victorian child who just seems to show up and isn't related to anyone and he doesn't talk and he just stares and hums and is so goddamn creepy nobody wants to talk to it. So he just stands in the corner in his blood-stained little sailor suit. We'll be there. I'll help father unload the charming rustic truck. No need, he has help, mother said with a wry smile.
Speaker 1:Wilhelmina went downstairs to the large but quaint kitchen to help. Don't worry, bunny Buggy, her father's cute nickname for Wilhelmina we got it. Who's? We? Didn't? Mother tell you You're not the only one staying this week to help with Thanksgiving dinner and I've got big, big dinner plans for him. Wah.
Speaker 1:But she couldn't finish her comically long drawn-out wah before seeing who was walking in carrying a box full of tater radishes. It was Tom Tom, tom Humdrum. She immediately blushed. Humdrum was the cruel nickname given to poor Tom when they were all children, just foolish little kids, like that creepy little Victorian girl that crawls on the ceiling. I'm sorry, tom, I'm sorry we called you that. You're not humdrum and Tom certainly wasn't. This Tom was muscular and strong and handsome and dreamy. Tom looked at Wilhelmina and, with a good nature, said Wilhelmina blushed. Oh, thank you. That is kind of you to say. I guess it has been a while since we've seen each other. They looked at each other and then Father broke the moment.
Speaker 1:Yes, tom was renting out the top floor of his family home as an apartment to a nice young couple, two women from over in Nerbly County, when a wildfire axonado hit. That's a tornado made completely of flames and ax blades. It hit the house and destroyed everything. Tom had nowhere to stay while the repairs are being done. So we invited him over to be our Dinner. Mother called from the other room to be our Dinner. Mother called from the other room. Dinner is ready To be our guest. Father finished, oh, wow, I mean, oh really Cool move, wilhelmina, she thought reproachfully.
Speaker 1:As they ate dinner, wilhelmina and Tom caught up. She told him about her busy, materialistic and self-absorbed life in Newest York and he told her about taking over the family's pickle orchard. He was so different than the shy Tom she remembered. Now he's all grown and confident and strong and funny and dreamy. When Wilhelmina went to bed that night she asked herself had I been misjudging Tom this whole time? Well, that's not fair. We were just silly children. Besides, I should get my rest. A lot to do tomorrow. She turned over and fell asleep to the hissing sound of the fork-tongued Victorian child standing on her bed.
Speaker 1:The next morning Wilhelmina met her longtime friend, pam, for coffee. They chatted and caught up for a while and it felt like old times Almost, though it must be exciting, living in New East York and being so successful, materialistic and self-absorbed, said Pam. It has its moments, but it can also feel lonely at times, even with so many people around. So, are you seeing anyone, asked Pam, no, not right now. I've gone on a few dates here and there, but they just weren't. They just weren't.
Speaker 1:An image of Tom flashed across Wilhelmina's mind and she had to stop herself. Just weren't what I was looking for, I guess. So who are you looking for? I don't know, maybe someone who's less big city, more appreciative of the simple things, the important things, maybe, maybe, Maybe someone who owns a pickle orchard? Pam asked with a grin what, how, what, how? What makes you say that? Wilhelmina asked all flustered, because Tom is across the street unloading a pickle shipment and you haven't stopped staring at his tail feathers this whole time. Pam laughed Well, he is cute. I only saw him as just a friend when we were kids. You know, oh, I know, I remember he had a big crush on you, but he was too shy to say anything. You know he still asks about you. What, what does he ask? Oh, how you doing? Do you like the big city? Are you still sexy? What, okay, okay, okay, I made that last one up, but I don't know. There's something in his eyes when he hears your name, still Just saying, oh, probably nothing, and we've both gone our separate ways. The past is the past, said Wilhelmina, while absentmindedly taking a sip of Pam's coffee and staring at Tom through the coffee shop window.
Speaker 1:The rest of the day was busy cleaning the house and getting everything ready for Thanksgiving. The next day, after finishing his pickle deliveries, tom helped father carry chairs and get things set up around the house. From time to time Wilhelmina would catch Tom looking over at her, then bashfully turn the other way. How could he still be so bashful, especially when he was so strong, so confident, so dreamy? By the end of the day the house was ready and everyone was exhausted. That evening, wilhelmina and Tom sat on the porch and drank honey blossom tea, which turned out to be the favorite of both.
Speaker 1:So yeah, that's how elevators work. You've never been on one Really. Well, maybe sometime, if you come to visit, you can ride one. I'm just saying, if you happen to be around Newest York, I mean Good question, tom. I don't know where I see my future. I've been so successful at business, but I guess that's not everything. You know, being back home for almost one full day has given me a lot to think about. I love business, but work isn't everything. I love business, but work isn't everything and, who's to say, there may be some things. I've missed and not realized it. Wilhelmina and Tom looked at each other Well, if you put it that way. She smiled at him and leaned over to his beak for a kiss. Oh sorry, hope I wasn't interrupting you two.
Speaker 1:Father stamped on the porch carrying his hatchet. Say, tom, I have one last thing I need from you, a last thing for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Where are you going, asked Wilhelmina. Oh, just out to the dark, secluded woods. I have one last uh thing and I can't do it without Tom, father said while weighing the hatchet blade in his hand. Oh, yes, of course we can talk on the way. What's on your mind? Tom gave Wilhelmina a long look, then followed father into the dark, secluded woods. Good night, tom, said Wilhelmina, but they were already gone.
Speaker 1:On Thanksgiving morning Wilhelmina awoke slowly. She had trouble sleeping and kept dreaming of a different future for her, maybe for her and Tom. She looked at her alarm clock 7.30 am. Oh no, thanksgiving dinner had started 30 minutes ago. She shot out of bed and put on her clothes and brushed her hair. She was about to leave her bedroom when she caught a glimpse of herself in the full-length mirror. She was a mess. Messy hair, messy clothes, messy hair, messy clothes and a messy life. She looked no better than the reflection of the laughing Victorian child with bloody hands.
Speaker 1:Wilhelmina took a long breath, centered herself and got properly dressed for the day. She went downstairs to the long dining table which stretched from the kitchen door to the end of the day. She went downstairs to the long dining table which stretched from the kitchen door to the end of the driveway. The air was filled with cheer, laughter, familiar smells like mashed tater, radish, hornet stuffing, green bean, banana casserole and roast turkey. At the head of the table sat mother and father and seats for the kids and for Tom. Well, wilhelmina had set a place for Tom sitting next to her, but his seat was empty. Had he left, wilhelmina's heart sank, but she kept a cheery face. Heart sank but she kept a cheery face. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Sorry I'm late.
Speaker 1:Everybody welcomed her and her father sliced some juicy turkey meat and slapped it on her plate. Good morning, bunny Buggy Again her father's cute nickname for Wilhelmina, in case you forgot. Come climb over the table and take a seat. Why you must have been worn out from working so hard to get everything ready for today, didn't she? Didn't she do a great job, everyone, indeed, the house was festive and cheerful and everyone applauded Wilhelmina's efforts. Thank you, I'm glad everyone is having a good Thanksgiving dinner, say uh? Wilhelmina asked with a dry throat Where's where? Where's Tom? Father gave her a sly grin. Oh, he's closer than you think. Father jabbed the carving fork into the turkey carcass. Again, wilhelmina looked around. Father, did he, um, say anything to you in the dark, secluded woods last night? I don't know. Ask him Again. Father wriggled the carving fork into a piece of turkey bone and made it shake. Father looked at her with a beaming smile. What do you mean, father? And Mother both smiled, then pointed to the top of the stairs. Wilhelmina turned and gasped when she saw Tom standing there, handsomely dressed in his best little suit and tie. His waddle, normally stubbly in a rugged sort of way, was washed and clean-shaven. He looked to her and smiled, not a nervous smile, but a beautiful, beaky smile. Father continued Last night I'd taken Tom out to the dark, secluded woods to slaughter him for Thanksgiving dinner, but on the way he told me about his love for you and asked for your. Well, look at me going on like an old so-and-so. You tell her son I mean, I mean Tom. Tom confidently part walked, part bound down the stairs, flapping his wings, and said Do you mean it? Do you mean it, tom? Because I feel the same way. Tom showed Wilhelmina a modest but beautiful engagement ring. Yes, yes, of course, of course, I'll marry you, marry you, Wilhelmina. And Tom hugged and kissed and the room exploded in cheers, applause and joyful tears. Even the crowd of pale Victorian children were cheering and crying, I think, or something. Their mouths were open, wide and something was definitely oozing from their black, unblinking eyes the End. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this show and if you did, please let someone know. If you hated it, please tell an enemy. And I hope, for those who celebrate, have a happy Thanksgiving and until next week, play nice with others. Take super duper, duper, duper, super duper care of yourself, especially over holiday week, and, as always, remember to laugh Bye.
