The Transformational Power of Knowing Your Boiling Points

In this episode, I reflect on a few powerful moments I’ve experienced as host of The Space In Between. I explore a core theme from Season I: how self-awareness is essential for both taking principled stands on the issues we care about and finding ways to bridge divides. A key concept is understanding our personal 'boiling points'—those moments when we’re so emotionally charged that our ability to engage empathetically with others is limited. Knowing our boiling points gives us agency to make choices about when, and how to dialogue with people who have different views.  Join me as I unpack this important topic!

Transcript

 

Hi everyone.  Today I'm going to share some insights and themes from season one. I launched the podcast last 

October and it's been an amazing ride.

The experience has had a huge impact on my life, including affirming my belief that we can and must.

Find ways to take principled stands on issues that we care about, and also find ways to build bridges across divides that keep us apart. This podcast is just one of many forums for that lofty goal, and I have been deeply humbled by the incredible wisdom that my guests have shared. One of the themes that has emerged from the 25 podcasts from the first season is that there exists what I call a liminal space or a place of tension between two seemingly opposite realities.

One reality is that now is the time for all of us to take stands on issues that we care about and advocate for the values that we hold dear. The other reality is that holding firm without seeking understanding and connection with people who hold different views undermines democracy and the foundation of thriving societies.

So at a time when opinion polls tell us that our society has never been more polarized and never more fragmented, this is literally the work of our lifetimes. Staying in and finding ways to navigate that liminal space that is literally the space in between. So when I say work of our lifetimes, I have a confession to make.

 This past February, I had a crisis of confidence about whether or not I could do this work. As I've mentioned on the podcast before, I am not a Trump supporter. And so he was inaugurated on the 20th of January, and very quickly the realities of his policy became evident and. I got mad. I also felt at times overwhelmed by the suffering that his approach has and continues to usher in.

I can give you one example of when his administration literally stopped overnight, the operations of U-S-A-I-D, which is an agency that. Led all of our global development and aid efforts to mostly poor people around the world. In my previous work at the Gates Foundation and  in industry and at Near Tarot, I have been in very rural areas.

Very, very poor areas in the world, and I have seen firsthand, I've talked to people on the ground who have benefited from the life saving aid that. Came from the US through the U-S-A-I-D department. Now, U-S-A-I-D is not perfect. It was ripe for some reforms, so every administration comes in and makes their changes.

But this was a wholesale stoppage overnight, and this has had catastrophic consequences globally and  many people have died already and more will.  Struggle in the future. 

So as February unfolded, I found myself with literally limited emotional bandwidth to stay in that liminal space. Where I could hold firm to my values and strong views and also find ways to listen and to try to genuinely understand how people could support the new administration. Then an amazing thing happened.

I recorded a podcast with Lakshmi Koran about her work to ensure when humans  settle on the moon . We will do so in ways that usher in a new era of humanity and connection. So Lakshmi and many colleagues are actually planning ahead on society's behalf of when we get to the moon.

How do we do that in a new way that learns from the best of what's happening and transforms the worst? Lakshmi has boundless optimism and it is infectious.  She had a way of sharing that in that episode that was uplifting and really bolstered my spirits.  She also had a way of acknowledging that there was a lot of suffering  in the world.

, but she had a way of just bearing witness to both and it really just uplifted my spirits and I felt free. Again, I felt more rooted in my calling, which  is to host this podcast, and after the episode,  I couldn't wait to do the next one.  I am more clear than ever that we must continue to stay in the space between and share learnings on how to do so.  Let me share one of the learnings about how to actually.

Navigate these two realities and stay in that space in between. And that , is the importance of self-regulation as a tactic to navigate these spaces. This first came into focus for me in an episode that I did with Dr. Danny Fallon, Dean of the Emory School of Public Health in Atlanta, Georgia, and we did a really great podcast focusing on mental health and  what do we know about mental health in a time of hyperpolarization?  It turns out Dr. Fallon studies this. So she had a lot to say. And one of the things we talked about, and this is just a really important concept, is the notion of understanding our boiling points.  A boiling point is when we feel really activated, which often.

We notice because we have strong emotions, like we're mad or we're sad, or we feel anger. And when we are near our boiling point, or at the boiling point, stress hormones surge through our bodies and can often lead to big reactions. Sometimes people call this a fight or flight reaction, and this is understandable.

It's very human that when we get stressed out. We have a big reaction and a big reaction, whether it's to, uh, fight or resist or get the heck outta there emotionally or physically. This can be very, very helpful, especially in situations where we are literally unsafe, unsafe physically or emotionally. So for most of us, and I know this is true for me, when I am near or at my bowling point, I can feel my body tense up.

Often my heart beats faster. This is immediate biofeedback. One of my friends actually has an opposite reaction. She describes just going numb, and she literally has no feelings. She can't feel her feelings, and so she has no emotional capacities really for herself or others. So this can take many different shapes or forms.

But the point here is that. Boiling point moments are not the best time to try to listen. They're not a time when we have a lot of capacity to  be understanding. . It's not a time when we have a lot of empathy to give and we certainly don't have a lot of curiosity.

Again, we have all these hormones surging through our bodies. We literally don't have the  capacity to be curious and use those skills that we know builds  connection. So. The key here is to remember that this is a normal thing, but having self-awareness is the most important thing I'm at or near my bowling point.

This is not a time to try to bridge divides. It is a time to self-regulate, to make choices which are affirming for your situation, which might be, Hey, I'm not in a good place. I'm not gonna have this conversation. Or maybe you make a choice to take some deep breaths, which can often calm down and lower the temperature from a boiling point.

Or maybe you phone a friend. It could also mean. Choosing to go to a demonstration to advocate on an issue,  where you're taking a stand and you are  not looking to build bridges across divides. Totally fair. The other thing I want to lift up here is that when we're at our boiling points, if we have that self-awareness, have some self-regulation around it.

 What's really important is to remember to give ourselves grace. It's human nature to try to protect ourselves and to defend ourselves. The more we can give ourselves grace, the more we are able to offer that to others. 

So that's what this podcast is all about. Giving ourselves grace, having a no shame and blame vibe in our conversations, hearing diverse perspectives, we're not gonna shy away from taking strong stands on issues, and we will explore the nuance of current events and leadership in enlightening, engaging, and uplifting ways.

Where practice makes perfect. 

Thank you for being a part of my journey, for being a part of the podcast journey, and I look forward to continuing to create magic in spaces where sometimes magic feels a little hard to find. Thanks so much. Bye for now.