Sexplained: Why New Parents Stop Having Sex (and How to Fix It)

The journey of reconnecting intimately after welcoming a child is a struggle so many couples face in silence. When desire fades and bodies feel unfamiliar, both partners can find themselves adrift in frustration and confusion, unsure how to rebuild what once came naturally.

Through one listener's painfully honest question, we explore the science behind postpartum desire and why intimacy often takes a backseat after baby. The reality? Your diminished sex life isn't personal rejection—it's biology at work. With 83% of new mothers reporting little to no desire months after birth, these changes represent a normal phase rather than a permanent relationship shift.

I break down the mechanics of desire using the car metaphor: there's an accelerator (turn-ons) and brakes (turn-offs). After childbirth, a woman's brakes are firmly engaged by physical discomfort, hormone fluctuations, and extreme fatigue. No amount of pressing the gas pedal will move forward if those brakes remain locked. The path back to connection starts with gently easing those brakes—creating safety, reducing pressure, and rebuilding non-sexual intimacy first.

We explore responsive desire (feeling aroused only after positive stimulation begins), the importance of lubrication, and practical ways to rebuild connection outside the bedroom. For partners with higher desire, I offer compassionate strategies to manage frustration while supporting recovery. From hormonal realities that temporarily suppress libido to communication approaches that foster emotional safety, this episode provides a roadmap for navigating one of parenthood's most challenging transitions.

Whether you're in the thick of postpartum disconnection or supporting someone who is, tune in to understand how intimacy can indeed return—with patience, care, and a willingness to discover new forms of connection along the way. Subscribe, share your experiences, and remember that this challenging phase will eventually shift with the right understanding and support.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Postpartum Sex Struggles
• 1:26 How Desire Really Works
• 3:32 Building Non-Sexual Intimacy First
• 5:10 Understanding Postpartum Body Changes
• 7:13 Managing Mismatched Desire Levels
• 10:17 Wrap-Up and Social Media Info

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hey you gorgeous people, welcome back to Sexplained. I'm your resident sex nerd and educator, jordan Walker. Today's question is a big one and a painfully relatable one for so many new parents. A listener writes Since having our child last year, my wife and I haven't been very intimate. We've talked about it and she said her body still doesn't feel normal. Sometimes she says she's interested, but then things fall through and I don't know how to bring it up again without pressure. We had agreed on being intimate weekly, since I'm the only one working, but I feel weird mentioning that now. I've tried to help her relax and I've even pulled back because my high sex drives seem to bother her. I just miss the intimacy in our relationship and don't know how to talk about it anymore without making things worse. Okay, so if you've ever felt like desire disappears after baby or you're craving connection while your partner seems distant, this episode is for you. We're diving into the science of desire, why it fades, how to bring it back and how to talk about intimacy in a way that brings you closer, not further apart. So let's explain it.

Speaker 1: 1:27

I want to start by prefacing stealth. You are not alone. Many couples hit a postpartum sex slump after baby, meaning intimacy dips for months. In fact, about 83% of new mums report little or no desire at two to three months postpartum. So your diminished sex life is totally normal, not a personal rejection. Your wife's body and mind have run a marathon and, with a newborn's demands that are non-stop, romance is going to take a back seat. That being said, it is totally okay to feel frustrated. You want closeness too, but remember your wife isn't rejecting you. But remember your wife isn't rejecting you. She's just focused on healing and a baby. Now. The once a week schedule that you agreed on probably feels mechanical or maybe a little bit awkward by now. But instead of pressuring her, let's look at how desire really works so that you can gently rev that connection again. The truth is she's not going to crave sex. She doesn't enjoy, especially if her body feels sore, dry or just not hers anymore. If she's feeling tender or disconnected, her libido isn't going to magically just kick in.

Speaker 1: 2:51

Think of sex. Drive like a car there's an accelerator, which is our turn-ons, and a brake, which are our turn-offs. Yours is revved and ready, but hers it's stuck on the brake. After childbirth, the brakes get slammed by things like stitches, hormone shifts, sleep deprivation and physical discomfort. Many new mums experience real vaginal dryness and pain. Some even describe early postpartum sex as feeling like a knife. No amount of gas is going to move the car if the brakes are on that hard. The real goal, though, isn't pushing the gas, it's gently easing off the brakes. That means no pressure, no rushing and lots of slow, supportive connection.

Speaker 1: 3:41

Start with non-sexual intimacy Conversations, cuddles, warm baths, back rubs, light touches and emotional safety, if and when she's ready. Emotional safety, if and when she's ready. Lube is going to be your best friend Water-based, body-safe and generous. The more you can create an environment where she feels relaxed, unpressured and in control, the more likely it is that her foot will ease off that break on its own accord. Quick myth bust Spontaneous out of the blue.

Speaker 1: 4:14

Desire is rare, and after a baby I'd say, even more so. The most likely case is that your wife has responsive desire. She may only feel aroused in response to positive stimuli. In other words, you create the spark, and then her desire follows. So don't wait for her to magically purr, set the mood, hold hands, share a long hug or a shower together, or cuddle on the couch, make her laugh or offer her her favorite snack or hell, even just have a conversation when you initiate intimacy. This way her body can start to relax. As a brilliant Emily Nagoski advises, you can decide to have sex, do the nice things like caresses, and then the desire can show up. It's a slow build instead of a sudden leap Building back.

Speaker 1: 5:12

Intimacy doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts in the day-to-day. If your partner is constantly surrounded by unfinished tasks like dishes in the sink or laundry on the floor, it's hard for a brain to switch into desire mode. One of the most supportive things you can do is to help remove those stresses, not as a transaction for sex but as a gesture of care. Once that mental load starts to lift, you can shift into a cozy, low-pressure connection. Try scheduling some us time during the baby's nap. Even just cuddling on a couch or taking a short walk and chatting can reset the mood. Now you can also use things like soft lighting, calming music or even a favorite show to signal this is our time. Physical affection also helps, but don't make it all about the end goal. Keep up the daily hugs, the kisses or the neck rubs with no strings attached. These small gestures release oxytocin and slowly rebuild the foundation.

Speaker 1: 6:23

When you do try to get the sexual go slowly. Start with gentle over-the-underwear touches. Use plenty of lube and keep it light and playful. And, above all, keep the communication open and pressure free. Instead of asking for sex outright, try saying something like I've missed holding you. If she's not up for it, let it go. Switch to a hug and a shared laugh or a warm bath.

Speaker 1: 6:53

Consent and desire need safety and softness to grow. Real intimacy comes from moments where both people feel seen and not pushed. So your wife's body has changed massively. Hormones are wild. Prolactin and oxytocin are high for breastfeeding and bonding, but these can lower libido. Her estrogen is likely low as well, so vaginal tissue is going to be thin and dry, hence the discomfort and knife feeling that we talked about. In short, her body is in full-on baby mode, not sexy mode. Also, fatigue and stress slam on those brakes. Parenting is exhausting. When you're that tired, sleep will always win out over sex. Think of it as survival mode. Feeding, changing and keeping a tiny human alive is the top priority right now.

Speaker 1: 7:48

Emotionally, many new mums feel touched out or even a bit guilty about missing intimacy. One mum joked, and kind of seriously, that she'd have sex only if her husband did all the cooking, cleaning and baby duty for her. She literally felt like a servant to her kid. But the bottom line is she may feel self-conscious or distracted. You've got to give her that extra reassurance, say you're beautiful or I love watching you with our baby, and offer help constantly. Her brakes are high. Meeting them with kindness and support is key. So if your engine is running at high RPM and you're feeling constantly revved up, first take a deep breath and remind yourself you're not a bad partner. You just have a bigger gas tank right now. There's nothing wrong with having a higher drive, and there are ways to navigate it with compassion and care.

Speaker 1: 8:47

One shame-free option is solo relief. Yep, we're talking masturbation. It's a healthy and totally normal way to take the edge off without putting pressure on your partner. Use your favorite lube, fantasize, even watch porn, if that's your thing. It's your space to self-regulate, and hiding it only creates unnecessary guilt, and hiding it only creates unnecessary guilt.

Speaker 1: 9:13

Beyond that, not all intimacy has to mean penetrative sex. You can explore other types of connection mutual masturbation, sensual full body massages or even a steamy shower together If she's up for it. Maybe that includes giving or receiving oral, but only if she's genuinely into it. If not, you're gonna knock yourself back, and if she's simply too exhausted for anything sexual, turn your focus to non-sexual closeness Long makeouts, warm cuddles or falling asleep holding hands. When you do talk about sex, approach it with softness and honesty. Use I statements like I've missed feeling close to you or I find you so attractive, and steer clear of blame or pressure.

Speaker 1: 10:00

If you're feeling frustrated, it's okay to redirect that energy. Go for a quick workout plan, a silly date, or do something that brings you both joy. Above all, though, remember this is a phase With kindness, communication and time. It will shift and that's a wrap. But if you loved today's episode and want more sexy smarts in your life, you know where to find me. Come hang out on Instagram at SuperSex Podcast or Jordan Walker Sexology, and you can always subscribe on YouTube as well. At SuperSex Podcast, we've got the juicy reels and the unfiltered advice, but if you're an adult looking to expand your erotic life, check out JordanWalkerRSEcom. And if you've got kids or are raising them and want them to have the sex ed that you never got, head over to youwontlearnthisatschoolcom. We're building a shame-free, pleasure-forward future, and it starts with talking about it. So until next time, you beautiful beings, stay curious, stay kind and keep it consensual.