Sexplained: Why So Many People Secretly Crave Submission in Bed

Feeling curious about surrendering control in the bedroom? You're far from alone. That quiet desire to be sexually submissive isn't just common—it's backed by science as one of our most natural human urges.

The research speaks volumes: over 60% of women and 50% of men fantasize about being dominated, making submission more popular than roleplay, group encounters, or even exhibitionism. But why does giving up control feel so appealing? When we submit consensually, something remarkable happens in our brains—cortisol levels drop, endorphins surge, and many experience a flow state similar to what athletes describe during peak performance. For those carrying the mental load of constant decision-making in their daily lives, submission offers not weakness, but profound relief.

Men especially might question these desires in a culture that equates masculinity with dominance. Yet there's powerful strength in vulnerability—in saying "I trust you completely" to a partner. Studies from 2021 reveal something fascinating: couples who engage in consensual power exchange report significantly higher levels of intimacy and trust. This isn't about being less; it's about creating space to be more—more authentic, more connected, more present in your pleasure.

Healthy submission always begins with consent and communication. Whether it's light restraint or deeper power dynamics, the paradox is that clearly defined boundaries create freedom to explore. Your submission might look entirely different from someone else's—and that's exactly as it should be. The only "right way" is the way that honors your authentic desires while prioritizing mutual respect and safety.

Ready to explore this side of yourself? Follow me on Instagram or YouTube at Super Sex Podcast or Jordan Walker Sexology for more evidence-based insights that challenge everything you thought you knew about sexuality. Your pleasure isn't just normal—it's powerful. Stay curious, stay kind, and remember: it's perfectly fine to stay just a little filthy.

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Chapters

• 0:02 Is Bedroom Submission Weird?
• 1:37 The Science Behind Submission
• 3:57 Gender and Masculine Submission
• 5:37 What Healthy Submission Looks Like
• 6:59 Closing Thoughts and Resources

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

So is it weird to want to be more submissive in the bedroom? That question pops up more often than you'd think, and not just in Google searches at 2am. Whether it's a quiet curiosity or a long-held desire, the urge to let go and be led can stir up a cocktail of confusion, shame and arousal. And today we're unpacking it all confusion, shame and arousal. And today we're unpacking it all. In this episode of Sexplained, we're diving into the psychology, science and social myths around sexual submission, especially what it means for men, couples and anyone raised in a world that taught them to always stay in control, from brain chemistry to bedroom rituals. I'm here to reassure you. Submission isn't weird, it's wired. Let's get into it. So is it actually weird to want to be more submissive in the bedroom? Short answer no. Long answer also no. But let's break down the science, the psychology and the cultural layers that make this question feel a lot bigger than it needs to be. Because here's the thing the desire to be submissive in bed is not weird, broken or abnormal. It's human. In fact, research from the Journal of Sex Research and the Archives of Sexual Behaviour consistently show that submissive fantasies are some of the most common sexual fantasies that people report, and that's regardless of gender, sexual orientation or their relationship style. Relationship style Now there was a 2017 study that found that over 60% of women and 50% of men have at some point fantasized about being dominated. Another study by Justin LaMilla in 2020, based on data from over 4000 different Americans, confirmed that submission and domination fantasies are more popular than roleplay, group sex or even good old-fashioned public sex. So no, you're not alone and you're certainly not weird.

Speaker 1: 2:17

But where does this desire come from? Psychologically, it actually makes a lot of sense. Submission offers a break from control. In a world where we're constantly responsible for our jobs, our families, our image, our inboxes, giving up that control in the bedroom can often feel like a relief, a release, if you will. In fact, neuroscientific studies suggest that BDSM play, including submission, can activate a type of flow state that's similar to what athletes or artists describe when they're totally immersed in an experience. This is when cortisol drops, endorphins rise, and many people report feeling calmer and more connected afterwards. For some, though, submission is about surrender. For others, it's about sensation, it's about ritual trust, performance or even play, and those reasons are not mutually exclusive. The desire to be submissive can emerge from personal trauma, but it doesn't have to and, importantly, submission isn't inherently pathological. In the updated DSM-5, which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, consensual BDSM was removed from the category of mental illness, as long as it's not causing distress or harm matters. So again, if you're into submission, you are not broken.

Speaker 1: 3:57

Alright, let's talk a little now about gender, because often people ask this question through the lens of masculinity. For men especially, the desire to submit can feel confusing, especially in a culture that equates manhood with dominance. But science doesn't back that stereotype. Submissive men are common, just underrepresented in the media. The truth is, submission doesn't erase masculinity, it just redefines it. For a man to say tie me up, take the lead, I trust you. That is not weak, it's powerful, it's vulnerable and it's emotionally mature. Now, if you are in a relationship and you're interested in exploring this side of yourself, it's worth talking about. And, yes, bringing up kink can be scary, especially if you're worried about how your partner will perceive you. But submission isn't about being less, it's about creating a space where you can be more More open, more erotic, more emotionally attuned. There was a study in 2021 and it found that couples who engage in consensual power exchange report higher levels of intimacy and trust than those who don't, of intimacy and trust than those who don't.

Speaker 1: 5:29

Now, that's something to think deeply about, ain't it? So what does healthy submission actually look like? Well, it starts with consent. It involves communication, boundaries, aftercare and emotional literacy, whether it's a light spanking or full-blown DOM sub-dynamics. The heart of submission is safety. The paradox is that the more structured the rules, the freer to play. Now, not all submission has to be whips and chains and leather. It could be letting your partner tie your hands, it could be asking them to take control in bed or role-playing, a dynamic where you're not in charge.

Speaker 1: 6:07

There's no right way to be submissive, only the way that works for you and your partner or partners. So back to the original question Is it weird to want to be more submissive? No, it's human, it's common and it's deeply wired into our erotic imaginations. And, when explored with care and consent, it can be one of the most freeing, fulfilling things that you ever experience. So if submission is calling you, please don't be ashamed. Lean into it, be curious, explore with partners who are worthy of your trust, because the real kink here is personal honesty.

Speaker 1: 6:57

Okay, so if this episode sparked something in you curiosity, clarity or just a delicious little aha, then come hang out with me on Instagram or YouTube. Just search Super Sex Podcast or Jordan Walker Sexology and please hit that follow and subscribe button. I'm serving up more cheeky, evidence-based goodness to help you rethink everything that you thought you knew about sex and relationships. And hey, if you're an adult who's ready to level up your sex life with more connection, confidence and actual orgasms, head over to jordanwalkerrsecom for tips, tricks and ways to work with me one-on-one. But if you've got a teen in your life who deserves better sex ed than the weird banana condom demo that you got at school, check out YouWon'tLearnThisAtSchoolcom. It's packed with workshops, resources and real talk education that's actually useful and not awkward. Anyways, keep learning, keep playing and remember your pleasure is powerful. This is Jordan Walker and you've been listening to Supsex. Until next time, stay curious, stay kind and stay just a little filthy.