Sexplained: Why You Stopped Wanting Sex—And How to Get It Back

Remember when you couldn't keep your hands off each other? That magical time when desire flowed effortlessly between you both? If those days feel distant and you're wondering if that spark is gone forever, this episode delivers hope and practical strategies backed by cutting-edge relationship science.

Passion naturally ebbs when life gets busy. Between work deadlines, household responsibilities, and the mental load of adulting, desire often takes a backseat. But relationship psychologists like Dr. Emily Nagoski and Esther Perel have discovered that rekindling intimacy doesn't require grand gestures or awkward scheduled romance—it's about understanding how desire actually works in long-term relationships.

We dive into the power of erotic imagination and how simple acts of flirtation can reawaken dormant desire. You'll learn why novel experiences—even non-sexual ones—light up the brain's pleasure centers in ways that directly translate to increased attraction. We explore the counterintuitive truth that removing performance pressure often creates space for authentic passion to emerge, and why emotional connection remains the strongest predictor of lasting physical chemistry.

Whether you're feeling like roommates instead of lovers, or simply want to deepen an already good connection, these research-backed approaches offer a roadmap to creating something even better than what you had before. Because rekindling passion isn't about returning to the past—it's about building a more intentional, playful and connected intimate life moving forward. 

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Chapters

• 0:00 The Lost Relationship Spark
• 1:13 Science of Desire and Erotic Imagination
• 2:09 Rediscovering Each Other
• 3:22 Creating Connection and Next Steps
• 5:01 Call to Action and Resources

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

All right, let's get real for a second. If you're listening to this episode, there's a good chance you've looked over at your partner lately and thought where did his spark go? Maybe things feel routine or predictable, like you're more housemates than hot lovers. And hey, first of all, that is so normal Life happens. Between work, stress, parenting, laundry piles and just the grind of being an adult, passion can absolutely take a back seat. But here's the good news Losing the spark doesn't mean the fire's dead. It just means it needs a bit of kindling. And we're not talking about forced date nights or cringy scheduled sex unless you're into that, of course. We're talking about authentic, research-backed, actually enjoyable ways to bring the sizzle back Without it feeling like a chore. Bring the sizzle back without it feeling like a chore.

Speaker 1: 1:13

All right, let's start with the science. The most recent research from relationship psychologists like Dr Emily Nagoski and Esther Perel shows that desire thrives on novelty, mystery and emotional safety. The trick is finding ways to introduce those elements without turning your life upside down. One of the most underrated tools Erotic imagination, yep, fantasy, whether it's sexy storytelling, daydreaming or sharing fantasies with your partner, letting your brain play a little, can actually spark desire even before your clothes come off. And no, it doesn't have to be 50 shades level drama. It can be as simple as texting your partner something flirty during the day or saying, hey, I had a very hot dream about you last night.

Speaker 1: 2:05

Next up, rediscovering each other in brand new ways. Studies show that doing something novel or slightly adventurous together, even non-sexual, reignites desire. This could be trying a cooking class, dancing like idiots in your kitchen, or even taking a walk somewhere new. The brain lights up when you associate your partner with excitement and unpredictability again. And if you are up for exploring in a bedroom, go slow. Start with sensuality, not just sex. Not just sex. Think massage, touching without an end goal, playing with sensations, silk, scarves, feathers, warm oils, whatever Pleasure.

Speaker 1: 2:56

Researcher Dr Laurie Brotto emphasizes mindful touch. That means paying attention to how something feels instead of rushing to a finish line, because sometimes what kills passion is pressure Pressure to perform, to orgasm, to make it amazing. Kill the pressure and the pleasure has a place to show up. All right for my long-term couples here. Bring back the curiosity. Alright for my long-term couples here. Bring back the curiosity. Ask each other questions you've never asked before or haven't asked in years, like when do you feel most sexy? Is there something that you've always wanted to try but never said out loud?

Speaker 1: 3:43

Passion is fueled by mystery, not in a hiding secret sort of way, but in remembering that your partner is a whole world you haven't fully explored yet. And please do not underestimate the power of doing small, loving things outside of sex. Emotional connection is one of the biggest predictors of sexual satisfaction. That could be a thoughtful compliment, a long hug, or just making them coffee in the morning without being asked when people feel seen they feel sexy. So if passion's been on the backburner, you don't need a grand romantic gesture or a spontaneous weekend in Paris to bring it back. Although if you can pull that off, power to you. What you do need is small, regular doses of connection, curiosity and playfulness. And remember, it's not about getting back to how it was, about getting back to how it was. It's about creating something new.

Speaker 1: 5:03

Hit that follow button on YouTube and Instagram. Just search Super Sex Podcast or Jordan Walker Sexology For adults who want to seriously level up their sex life, head over to jordanwalkerrsccom. And if you're a parent desperately hoping your teen gets better sex ed than you do, I've got you. You won't learn this at schoolcom has everything from workshops to one-to-one support. Until next time, keep it curious, keep it kind and keep it super.