Super Sex

Quickie: So You Fantasise About An Open Relationship. Now What?

• Jordan Walker

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Ever thought about what it might be like to open up your relationship? You're not alone. This eye-opening episode dives into the surprisingly common world of consensual non-monogamy fantasies that exist within committed monogamous relationships.

The research reveals something fascinating: while countless people fantasize about open relationships, swinging, or threesomes, only about 10% ever act on these desires. What holds the other 90% back? Mostly fear—fear of judgment, fear of rocking the boat, fear of the unknown. Yet the couples who do share these fantasies often report stronger, more trusting relationships as a result.

Contrary to what you might expect, having fantasies about consensual non-monogamy doesn't mean you're unhappy with your current relationship or sex life. In fact, research shows people with high sexual satisfaction tend to fantasize more about monogamy, while those with lower satisfaction lean toward cheating fantasies rather than consensual arrangements. The strongest predictors for CNMR fantasies aren't relationship problems but rather traits like being sex-positive, having an open attitude toward casual sex, and in some cases, age.

Whether you're curious, confused, excited, or nervous about these fantasies, remember: your erotic imagination is valid. Not every fantasy needs to be acted upon, but honest communication about desires can create profound intimacy. If your partner shares a fantasy with you, try responding with curiosity: "Thanks for trusting me. Can we talk about what this fantasy means to you?" That simple opening can lead to deeper understanding, regardless of whether you ever step outside monogamy's boundaries. Ready to explore the uncharted territories of desire in your own relationship? This episode provides the map.

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Speaker 1:

All right, folks buckle up. Today's Super Sex Quickie is about a fantasy a lot of people are having but almost nobody's talking about. We're cracking open the steamy, awkward, exciting and slightly terrifying world of consensual non-monogamous relationship fantasies, or, if you're into acronyms, cnmrs. Now, before you start panicking and asking whether this means that everyone secretly wants to swing with the neighbors, take a breath, because here's the deal Most people in monogamous relationships have at least thought about what it would be like to be in an open relationship. That doesn't mean that they're unhappy. It doesn't mean that they're about to throw out the rules and join a polycule. It just means that they're human and their fantasy life is alive and kicking. So what does the research say?

Speaker 1:

A recent study took a deep dive into the fantasy lives of people who are in committed monogamous relationships. And guess what? Cnn fantasies were really common, especially among men, non-binary folks and people who identify as something other than straight. Basically, the more comfortable someone is with non-traditional sexual roles, the more likely they are to be fantasizing about something other than the classic one partner for life script. But here's the wild bit While a huge number of people have had these fantasies, only about 1 in 10 have ever acted on them. That's a pretty big gap. Why? Well, fear, mostly Fear of judgment, fear of losing your partner, fear of what if I bring it up and it ruins everything. But let's just sit with that for a second, because even though the people who did share their CNMR fantasies, or even acted on them well, they mostly reported that it strengthened their relationships. Here's what's interesting, though the study found that sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner any fantasy, not just CNMR tends to be good for your relationship. It builds trust, sparks conversation and makes it easier to understand what's going on inside your partner's erotic brain. It doesn't mean that you have to do the fantasy, but talking about it. That's sexy communication. That's sexy communication.

Speaker 1:

Now, before we go too far into fantasy land, let's zoom in on what people were actually fantasizing about. The most common CNMR fantasy, well, that was open relationships, but there was a lot of variety within that. Some people imagined swinging, some fantasized about cuckolding that's, just watching your partner with someone else while others wanted polyamory, emotional and sexual openness and, of course, multi-partner sex, threesomes, orgies, sex parties. Well, they came up a lot too. But here's the key distinction While these fantasies sound similar, they are not all the same. In fact, most people who fantasized about group sex didn't think of themselves as wanting an open relationship. Sometimes you just want a fantasy to stay a fantasy, and that's totally valid. So what makes someone more likely to fantasize about CNMR?

Speaker 1:

The research points to a few strong predictors. Erotophilia, basically being sex positive, was a big one. If you've got a high sex drive or you're open to exploring pleasure, you're probably more likely to have these kind of fantasies. People with unrestricted socio-sexual orientation meaning you chill with casual sex also reported more CNMR fantasies. Age also played a role. Older folks were more likely to fantasize about swinging and cuck-holding.

Speaker 1:

But let's bust a myth here Fantasies about consensual non-monogamy weren't linked to low sexual satisfaction. That's right. People weren't fantasizing about open relationships because they were unhappy in the bedroom. In fact, it was the opposite. People with high sexual satisfaction were more likely to fantasize about monogamy, probably because they enjoy it, and people with low satisfaction were more likely to fantasize about cheating, not consensual arrangements. So when you or your partner say, I had this fantasy about us going to a sex club, it doesn't mean you're not enough for each other. It probably just means that your erotic imagination wants to play outside the usual boundaries, okay, but let's talk real world implications. If you are one of the many people who has CNMR fantasies, you're not weird, you're not broken, you're not doomed. In fact, you're in pretty good company.

Speaker 1:

But fantasies aren't always meant to be acted on. Sometimes they're about power or taboo or control, and sometimes they're about novelty or unmet needs, and sometimes they're best just left in your head. What matters most is the meaning behind the fantasy. Is it about wanting more emotional connection? Is it about craving variety? Or is it just something that turns you on in your head and you have no intention of making it real? Here's where it gets juicy and maybe a little bit uncomfortable.

Speaker 1:

When couples do try to act on these fantasies, the biggest challenge isn't usually the sex, it's the communication. The study found that partner disapproval was the number one reason that people didn't act on their CNMR fantasies. That people didn't act on their CNMR fantasies Not logistics, not guilt, just plain fear of rocking the boat and not talking about it. So if you're sitting on a fantasy like this or your partner drops a CNMR bomb on you, here's your script. Thanks for trusting me.

Speaker 1:

Can we talk about what this fantasy means to you? That's it. You don't have to agree to it, but you do have to stay open if you want honest, healthy intimacy. And for the therapists and counselors out there, the research is clear you need to be ready to talk about this stuff. Most mental health training doesn't touch consensual non-monogamy. That leaves a lot of clients feeling judged, misunderstood or totally unsupported. We need more therapists who can hold space for people in CNMRs or even just people who are thinking about it.

Speaker 1:

Anyways, here are the key takeaways. Your fantasy life is valid. Sharing it can strengthen your relationship, and not every fantasy needs to be acted upon. Consensual non-monogamy isn't a threat. It's a reality for many and a fantasy for even more so.

Speaker 1:

If you're curious, scared, excited or confused, welcome to the club. The most important thing that you can do is talk about it with honesty, with curiosity and with the knowledge that, no matter what your fantasy looks like, you're not alone, and that's your super sex quickie done and dusted. If your mind's lit up or your body's humming good, that means we're getting somewhere. Curiosity isn't a problem, it's your superpower. Now, if you're thirsty for more, you know where to go Search Super Sex Podcast or Jordan Walker Sexology on Instagram and YouTube for bite-sized wisdom, juicy convos and no BS sex ed that actually hits the spot.

Speaker 1:

If you are an adult who's tired of boring sex or no sex, sprint over to jordanwalkerrsccom. I've got tools, tips and ways to work together that'll blow your socks off and maybe everything else too. And if you've got a teen and you're praying that they get better sex ed, then don't do it or you'll die hit up. You won't learn this at schoolcom workshops, resources and one-to-one support made for modern kids in a messy world. Anyways, keep asking, keep exploring and, for the love of lube, don't stop learning. I'm Jordan. This was your SuperZex Quickie. See you next time.

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